bluey_wind
New Member
Anyone have any experience in handling parents disapproval in dating / marrying a divorcee?
Dating / marrying a Divorcee
- Thread starter bluey_wind
- Start date
it is easier if the divorcee does not have a kid but i have an cousin who was married to a divorcee with kid from 1st marriage...
of cos my cousin's parents not happy but what to do... daughter like so no choice. It takes for ur parents to accept that. If your partner is nice to u, your parents shd eventually give their blessings hopefully. Afterall, it is you who is goign to live with this person.
of cos my cousin's parents not happy but what to do... daughter like so no choice. It takes for ur parents to accept that. If your partner is nice to u, your parents shd eventually give their blessings hopefully. Afterall, it is you who is goign to live with this person.
I was smart. I didnt tell my parents that my life partner is a divorcee. Par toh for 6 yrs, less than 5 quarrels and finally decided to get married.
Now I realised its not a smart action at all. My divorcee HB is insecure towards marriage. Refuse to have joint a/c and house. Only thing we share in common is a kid.
Yes yes yes, should work hard to win his trust. Easier to say nia...
If that man is sincere and nice, time will prove to yur parents that u made the right choice.
if not...
GOOD LUCK!!
Now I realised its not a smart action at all. My divorcee HB is insecure towards marriage. Refuse to have joint a/c and house. Only thing we share in common is a kid.
Yes yes yes, should work hard to win his trust. Easier to say nia...
If that man is sincere and nice, time will prove to yur parents that u made the right choice.
if not...
GOOD LUCK!!
blingbride
New Member
ME!! Well, both me and my HTB are divorcees, difference is I have a kid from my past marriage, aged 7 and he has none. The first day we got to know each other, we both came clean with each other. Of course my parents didnt disapprove him, like they did my past bfs, cos he was clearly different, responsible, trustworthy, etc etc. But his side, his parents could not accept me cos I come with a package (buy 1 get 1 free!) haha!
They didnt mind me being a divorcee but the fact bout the kid troubled them. They became judgemental that since I got preggy at a young age, Im immoral, cheap, bla bla. But HTB knew, understood and stood by me strongly. Even after 5yrs now, he holds his stand whereas his parents dont approve of me. He told them straight that it's his life and he's gonna live it his way. Not to mention he is a filial son to them, not the disrespectful, rebellious sort. He never swayed from his duties and roles as a filial son before but in my case, he stands firm. I am really lucky I should say.
When it comes to my son and HTB, they clicked very well from initial stages. I was not one to introduce my child to all my bfs and let them get to me through him but I got close enough with HTB to get him involved with my family. Today, my entire family calls HTB if they need help, favours, his presence, good and bad days! Son and HTB are like family, only weird thing is son's so used to calling him uncle over the years that it's weird when we go out and he calls me Mummy and HTB uncle.lol. He treats him closer than my own family now and is learning to address him as Daddy.
HTB wise, he's looking forward to marriage with me since years ago, just like I am. He says his past marriage cannot be compared with what we have, he has never compared any ex before with me and what we have is what we share specially.
The only thing that pricks me is his parents' disapproval of me.. I want them to be present at our wedding and HTB is trying his best to convince them and making them accept me and be present as he knows how sensitive and sentimental I am about it. But I know that even if they strongly chose not to come, HTB will not let go.. Well, after lots of sh*t in the past, I think it's a blessing I got to have gotten him...
They didnt mind me being a divorcee but the fact bout the kid troubled them. They became judgemental that since I got preggy at a young age, Im immoral, cheap, bla bla. But HTB knew, understood and stood by me strongly. Even after 5yrs now, he holds his stand whereas his parents dont approve of me. He told them straight that it's his life and he's gonna live it his way. Not to mention he is a filial son to them, not the disrespectful, rebellious sort. He never swayed from his duties and roles as a filial son before but in my case, he stands firm. I am really lucky I should say.
When it comes to my son and HTB, they clicked very well from initial stages. I was not one to introduce my child to all my bfs and let them get to me through him but I got close enough with HTB to get him involved with my family. Today, my entire family calls HTB if they need help, favours, his presence, good and bad days! Son and HTB are like family, only weird thing is son's so used to calling him uncle over the years that it's weird when we go out and he calls me Mummy and HTB uncle.lol. He treats him closer than my own family now and is learning to address him as Daddy.
HTB wise, he's looking forward to marriage with me since years ago, just like I am. He says his past marriage cannot be compared with what we have, he has never compared any ex before with me and what we have is what we share specially.
The only thing that pricks me is his parents' disapproval of me.. I want them to be present at our wedding and HTB is trying his best to convince them and making them accept me and be present as he knows how sensitive and sentimental I am about it. But I know that even if they strongly chose not to come, HTB will not let go.. Well, after lots of sh*t in the past, I think it's a blessing I got to have gotten him...
sad_girl81
New Member
Jus to check, for 2nd marriage, does u guys go for customary n wedg dinner??o jus rom n tea for both parent???
hub_hub_wee_wee
New Member
but don u guys feel like shy after all, all the relativ know d previous marriage n given angpow, now again wants them to giv angpow???jus my 2 cent...
blingbride
New Member
A wedding is not about ang pows. At least thats what I thought.. Its about showing family and friends that this is the person you choose to live your life with. I am proud to be with my partner and want the entire 'world' to know who we are together. If ang pows are all you are concerned about then what is wedding and marriage to you?
For me, my HB's side at 1st didnt want a customary because its like... they feel paiseh to ask the relatives to give the 2nd time.
But at my point of view, I think its a must for me as I am "1st time getting married". Since financial allows, I insisted one. Have to fair for me and my family. A kind of respect as well.
Angbaos seriously... I find its a token. I wun have such thinking if I have to attend the same guy's wedding for the 19th time. Its just like paying for a nice 10 course dinner, why not?
But at my point of view, I think its a must for me as I am "1st time getting married". Since financial allows, I insisted one. Have to fair for me and my family. A kind of respect as well.
Angbaos seriously... I find its a token. I wun have such thinking if I have to attend the same guy's wedding for the 19th time. Its just like paying for a nice 10 course dinner, why not?
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Mmm, it's interesting to note that people don't give two hoots about ang pows from guests when spending $20K-$30K (conservative figure) on the wedding banquet.
blingbride
New Member
Its an occasion called for a celebration. It's the union of (in alot of cases) a long awaited, couple. If recouping the event's cost and seeing profit is more important or valued than sharing the pride and joy of their union, then what can I say? Then dont spend that kinda money, conduct a simple or cheap affair. In our case too, we have spent few tens of Ks with our wedding preparation and more to come as the AD nears and it's completely ours, not a cent from either side parents but yet we dont keep any expectations or calculate how much we would be able to recoup.
It's an event we long awaited for and are proud to host and thats far more valuable than any profit and loss calculation. Perhaps people have started to hold banquets as a form of ang pow collection and profit sharing occasion. Duh!
It's an event we long awaited for and are proud to host and thats far more valuable than any profit and loss calculation. Perhaps people have started to hold banquets as a form of ang pow collection and profit sharing occasion. Duh!
sgbabydoll
Active Member
A wedding banquet isn't a profit-making business but there is nothing wrong with looking at P&L because it concerns your personal finance. If you earn a few hundred thousand dollars a year I guess $20K or $30K is really peanut. Also, the value of ang pows or gifts from family, relatives and friends could be an indication of how well liked you are!
Aiyor, not spending parents' money on wedding is not something to be proud of. It's a given since we are all adults lah.
Aiyor, not spending parents' money on wedding is not something to be proud of. It's a given since we are all adults lah.
blingbride
New Member
There's clearly a difference between NOT EXPECTING ang pows from yea family, relatives and friends and NOT GETTING ang pows from them. We are not expecting and that has no connection with how well liked we are.
Well, are all 100% of adults out there now doing a banquet completely without their parents' money? If they are then well, then nothing for us to be proud of.. But we all know the real figure out there and for that, we are definitely proud. thx. (unedited)
Well, are all 100% of adults out there now doing a banquet completely without their parents' money? If they are then well, then nothing for us to be proud of.. But we all know the real figure out there and for that, we are definitely proud. thx. (unedited)
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Nothing to be proud of if it's a celebration instead of a show-off.
blingbride
New Member
You know what, I have learnt one lesson from this thread, especially towards you and that is to IGNORE your rants cos its mostly irrelevant and pointless. Do something better. Remember, manipulating will not change facts full-stop.
Lya, Doll was not ranting. She was pointing out a flaw in your argument. When I got married finances were very tight so we had a very small casual wedding with only immediate family members and family friends. Finances are tight for them as well. We paid the wedding ourselves and asked for everyone's presence to be their gift to us. The angpows we collected not only came as a bonus but it does validate how well we are regarded by them. We were not proud that we paid the wedding all by ourselves but it is a fact that we should as working adults.
blingbride
New Member
Its not right to be judgemental saying I had a Flaw in my arguement. It was my opinion and there's no right and wrong and expecting people to feel the same way you do towards issues. Some may give importance to ang baos as a form of recouping event's cost but I was saying that we give importance celebration then that. What's with this guideline of how to feel and what to feel towards our personal wedding affair?
Ermmm… I duno which category (%) I fall under.. I am one for them who paid the banquet (all the wedding stuff) from our own saving… I agree to the point that there is nothing to be proud of for not using parents’s $$$. C’mon, we are all working adults.. Dun have to keep "sticking" the hands out to our parents... *fainted*
In fact, we made a loss from the banquet.. I dun really agree on “angpow equate to liking from friends/relativesâ€â€¦ Most of our relatives and parents’s kampong gang are not well to be.. They duno so called “market rateâ€â€¦ So, can imagine how “big†the angpow to be? I dun conclude that they dun like me bcoz of that “peanuts†they given =) Though friends did gave above “market rateâ€, we still unable to “break-even†=) We are neutral (expected) for the loss since day one we sent out the invitations…
For those who are looking for P instead of L, I would say is to be selective when sending invitations…. Wahahahahha……
In fact, we made a loss from the banquet.. I dun really agree on “angpow equate to liking from friends/relativesâ€â€¦ Most of our relatives and parents’s kampong gang are not well to be.. They duno so called “market rateâ€â€¦ So, can imagine how “big†the angpow to be? I dun conclude that they dun like me bcoz of that “peanuts†they given =) Though friends did gave above “market rateâ€, we still unable to “break-even†=) We are neutral (expected) for the loss since day one we sent out the invitations…
For those who are looking for P instead of L, I would say is to be selective when sending invitations…. Wahahahahha……
Like you said we are here to share opinion. Ok ok it is MY opinion that there is a Flaw in your argument ... But i not judging you. I am commenting. You can have a grand wedding or a simple one it's none of my business.
Iris, I am not referring to the value of the angpow but the act of giving despite circumstances. That I think meant more than the actual contents in the red packet.
Iris, I am not referring to the value of the angpow but the act of giving despite circumstances. That I think meant more than the actual contents in the red packet.
blingbride
New Member
DRAMA, Its YOUR OPINION to say what you feel about something but limit is there. Its not within your lines to say someone is WRONG. It's different perspective you are free to comment on yours but there's no definite right or wrong thinking for you to judge on.
blingbride
New Member
The meaning is supposed to be similar. What's so positive about the term flaw compared to wrong?
i know of a girl whom date a divorcee for 6 yrs till now, the guy has this job that is always busy on weekends (esp. saturdays), weekdays evening sometime, sundays...always have last minute assignments, till now, she is never introduce to FIL (he apprently cannot convince them to accept her) coz they felt that she was part of the reason the last marriage broke off......is this guy clean from last marriage? the truth is out there, is she brave enough to face it ?
What I meant by flaw here is your argument so far is rather weak. But does not mean that argument is wrong.
Hence I said there is a difference between the 2 words.
Like I said what you do and how you do it is entirely your business.
Even if I think you are wrong what is wrong for me to say so??? It is my opinion that you are wrong what. We are strangers and end of the day it's just an exchange of words. We all go back to our own lives. Right?
Hence I said there is a difference between the 2 words.
Like I said what you do and how you do it is entirely your business.
Even if I think you are wrong what is wrong for me to say so??? It is my opinion that you are wrong what. We are strangers and end of the day it's just an exchange of words. We all go back to our own lives. Right?
don't guests give their blessings to the newly-wed through congratulatory words as well as gifts, monetary or not?
my take - there are different intentions of holding a wedding banquet for different couples.
of course it's primarily to celebrate a wedding unison - that is needless to say - but nothing Duh abt Hoping to recoup losses through any pows. it's pretty common that closer relatives and friends will be more generous unless of course, circumstances restrict them from doing so.
it's even more Duh if any guest attend the banquet empty-handed.
my take - there are different intentions of holding a wedding banquet for different couples.
of course it's primarily to celebrate a wedding unison - that is needless to say - but nothing Duh abt Hoping to recoup losses through any pows. it's pretty common that closer relatives and friends will be more generous unless of course, circumstances restrict them from doing so.
it's even more Duh if any guest attend the banquet empty-handed.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
If you are not expecting any ang pows, you wouldn't be concerned if you do get any ang pows at all! No need to pretend that ang pow money isn't important when clearly they do make a difference to your personal finance.
Even the rich and famous could be concerned about ang pow money or gifts even though some of those weddings can be entirely sponsored. It's a "face" issue for them.
Even the rich and famous could be concerned about ang pow money or gifts even though some of those weddings can be entirely sponsored. It's a "face" issue for them.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Of course I know what you mean, Iris.
My point is also - money isn't all about money. It's also about face, status, power, good planning, etc. It's regrettable that some people only see money at its face value.
My point is also - money isn't all about money. It's also about face, status, power, good planning, etc. It's regrettable that some people only see money at its face value.
blingbride
New Member
Doll and the rest.. you have to learn to admit that the world doesnt spin exactly the way you want it to. People dont feel the exact way you do. This is a world consisting of both saints and sadists. Dont push your values and thoughts into others, should they not feel the same way that you do. You are wrong.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Lya, I think you should dedicate your entry at 2.48pm to yourself first and foremost. You seem to need it more than anyone else.
blingbride
New Member
Is there some EQ problem here? The discussion was about NOT EXPECTING ang bows and not about NOT WANTING ang bows. Who will say no to money flowing in? It's the mentality of being overly concerned and conducting a celebration with the sign $ in their heads. Some people are just intend on creating a fiery thread than an objective one.... What can I say....
Lya
what the hell has it gotta do with EQ when fellow forumers were merely expressing their views in a public forum? if expressing opinions equate to forcing down one's throat, then u shouldn't be here. and if anyone has a problem with EQ, it's you.
in case u don't realise, u started even the slightest disagreement on collecting monetary gifts - which are expected in a wedding celebration - and therefore, have had suggested that it shouldn't be on the lips/finger tips of the newly-weds.
what the hell? just merely mentioning abt it does not mean that the commenter only has eyes for the gifts. so, should we just talk abt how happy we are with our partners, how fortunate we are to be marrying our partner, how expensive our wedding is?
aren't you trying to suppress other opinions by being super duper judgemental here?
what the hell has it gotta do with EQ when fellow forumers were merely expressing their views in a public forum? if expressing opinions equate to forcing down one's throat, then u shouldn't be here. and if anyone has a problem with EQ, it's you.
in case u don't realise, u started even the slightest disagreement on collecting monetary gifts - which are expected in a wedding celebration - and therefore, have had suggested that it shouldn't be on the lips/finger tips of the newly-weds.
what the hell? just merely mentioning abt it does not mean that the commenter only has eyes for the gifts. so, should we just talk abt how happy we are with our partners, how fortunate we are to be marrying our partner, how expensive our wedding is?
aren't you trying to suppress other opinions by being super duper judgemental here?
blingbride
New Member
Ppl, I havent the time nor the mood to do this all over again. It's a waste of everything and useless to me. Go on, shoot, I am taking a break from the negativity to focus on better stuffs.. Is anyone gonna be given some special award for best speaker? What are we all trying for?? Byeeee
PS: Your ideas sound useful to you and stupid to another, same goes to mine. No point harping on and on to be heard and recognised. My post was intended to share my perspective until some idiot had to blow it out of proportion. For heaven's sake, dont ruin someone's mood even if you cant make them happy! Such a damper! You know who you are! Im outta here.
PS: Your ideas sound useful to you and stupid to another, same goes to mine. No point harping on and on to be heard and recognised. My post was intended to share my perspective until some idiot had to blow it out of proportion. For heaven's sake, dont ruin someone's mood even if you cant make them happy! Such a damper! You know who you are! Im outta here.
bubblepuffs
New Member
Come on people! Don't focus on the argument anymore
We should be focusing on the thread
bubblepuffs
New Member
Just a question for ladies who are dating divorced men out there - how long was the guy divorced before you note that it was a proper time to step in?
blingbride
New Member
Bubble,
My HTB was already divorced for 7yrs or so at the time of me getting to know him bout 5yrs back.. Infact, I was still officially married to my ex husband. We had seperated for yrs and everything between us was clearly over but I just didnt know what to do from there. I applied for my official divorce only after being together with my HTB.. A yr and a half later I was done..
My HTB was already divorced for 7yrs or so at the time of me getting to know him bout 5yrs back.. Infact, I was still officially married to my ex husband. We had seperated for yrs and everything between us was clearly over but I just didnt know what to do from there. I applied for my official divorce only after being together with my HTB.. A yr and a half later I was done..
blingbride
New Member
Hehe, thank you Kenturik!
My HB was separated from his wife 2 years when I was together with him. Only when we were together for a year, he then went on with the divorce papers.
Think he made use of the time to disperse his assets and $$. The ex wife didnt get a share 2 yrs later.
So.. sometimes I kinda regret dating a divorcee... He is wary that I will do the same thing to him. Hai...
Think he made use of the time to disperse his assets and $$. The ex wife didnt get a share 2 yrs later.
So.. sometimes I kinda regret dating a divorcee... He is wary that I will do the same thing to him. Hai...
bubblepuffs
New Member
Ahhh..I think usually it takes a bit more time to start dating a divorcee eh?
I got to know a guy about 1 month after his wife left the house - he was a devastated man and at that time I didn't pay much attention to him.
He sort of came back into the scene about 4-5 months after that because he was hanging with the same group of colleagues I hang out with on Fridays (he used to work in my current firm so everyone knows him)- we became closer in the few months and about 3-4 months later, he expressed his interest in me. At that time, his wife moved out only about 8-9 months? But they already filed for divorce when she moved out.
I was apprehensive because he told me he didn't want to get married again and that the previous marriage was an utter disappointment and waste of time for him. From what I hear from him (briefly) and his close friends who knew his ex-wife as well, she was a huge spendthrift. Everything from her car, the house, her insurance, holidays was spent by him - including her failing business, he picked up the tab as well. From what he mentioned, divorce was never an option although he did admit the feelings for his wife did died down even before she raised the divorce. He did try to save it, his friends mentioned before as well but she was adamant about it and then left the house after he kept asking her if she wants to work things out. She re-attached shortly before the divorce was finalized about 2 months ago.
I'm only 22 years old so I''m really not ready to jump into a relationship that has no end to it(that makes him about 12 years older than me) - because he mentioned even if we went well along the way, he just cannot think of marriage at this point in time and for my safety, he will hold the view that he might continue to hold such negative thoughts for marriage.
I asked him what did he had in mind when he first declare his feelings - he mentioned he wanted to spend many years with me (which I found it weird he was planning to bring me to musicals that are like 1 year away and planned/saved for holidays that are like 3-4 years away) but he cannot see himself to marry again. He said at least for now, his view about marriage makes him pukish and he has a feeling it will not go away for a long time.
To be honest, I do like him a lot - after he declared his feelings, we did spend 3-4 months exclusively with each other. He requested I go for his family gatherings, close friends' gatherings and even company events (seemed that most people knew about me) but most of the time I declined because he wasn't officially divorced yet. He was upset but he respected my decision.
There are times I wonder if I was a rebound in anyway or did he truly have feelings for me - after our "marriage or not" talk a few weeks back, we decide to keep things cool and go back to being friends. There are moments I regret and would think why am I killing off my chance with a great guy whom I have chemistry with over unforeseen future? But I try to nip that thought and think that if I really fall hard in love with him now, it will be very painful a few more years down the road if our destinations in mind do not meet and I have to leave.
I guess I should steer clear... am too young to step into it I guess. Anyone has a similar experience?
Hi Denise,
I get what you mean because the guy in my post at time are afraid I leave him too. And when I was apprehensive about the future of both of us - he told me it is alright if I want to pull out because it's not the first time a woman walks out on him anyway :S
Heavy topic lol
I got to know a guy about 1 month after his wife left the house - he was a devastated man and at that time I didn't pay much attention to him.
He sort of came back into the scene about 4-5 months after that because he was hanging with the same group of colleagues I hang out with on Fridays (he used to work in my current firm so everyone knows him)- we became closer in the few months and about 3-4 months later, he expressed his interest in me. At that time, his wife moved out only about 8-9 months? But they already filed for divorce when she moved out.
I was apprehensive because he told me he didn't want to get married again and that the previous marriage was an utter disappointment and waste of time for him. From what I hear from him (briefly) and his close friends who knew his ex-wife as well, she was a huge spendthrift. Everything from her car, the house, her insurance, holidays was spent by him - including her failing business, he picked up the tab as well. From what he mentioned, divorce was never an option although he did admit the feelings for his wife did died down even before she raised the divorce. He did try to save it, his friends mentioned before as well but she was adamant about it and then left the house after he kept asking her if she wants to work things out. She re-attached shortly before the divorce was finalized about 2 months ago.
I'm only 22 years old so I''m really not ready to jump into a relationship that has no end to it(that makes him about 12 years older than me) - because he mentioned even if we went well along the way, he just cannot think of marriage at this point in time and for my safety, he will hold the view that he might continue to hold such negative thoughts for marriage.
I asked him what did he had in mind when he first declare his feelings - he mentioned he wanted to spend many years with me (which I found it weird he was planning to bring me to musicals that are like 1 year away and planned/saved for holidays that are like 3-4 years away) but he cannot see himself to marry again. He said at least for now, his view about marriage makes him pukish and he has a feeling it will not go away for a long time.
To be honest, I do like him a lot - after he declared his feelings, we did spend 3-4 months exclusively with each other. He requested I go for his family gatherings, close friends' gatherings and even company events (seemed that most people knew about me) but most of the time I declined because he wasn't officially divorced yet. He was upset but he respected my decision.
There are times I wonder if I was a rebound in anyway or did he truly have feelings for me - after our "marriage or not" talk a few weeks back, we decide to keep things cool and go back to being friends. There are moments I regret and would think why am I killing off my chance with a great guy whom I have chemistry with over unforeseen future? But I try to nip that thought and think that if I really fall hard in love with him now, it will be very painful a few more years down the road if our destinations in mind do not meet and I have to leave.
I guess I should steer clear... am too young to step into it I guess. Anyone has a similar experience?
Hi Denise,
I get what you mean because the guy in my post at time are afraid I leave him too. And when I was apprehensive about the future of both of us - he told me it is alright if I want to pull out because it's not the first time a woman walks out on him anyway :S
Heavy topic lol
Bubblepuffs,
My HB is 12 yrs older than me too. I was 19 when I knew him. Married him when I was 24. Bore him a son when I was 26. Aiyer... still, hes wary of me. -_- What can I say now? I cant be possibly divorce him because of this issnt it?
Actually my problem is more on the in laws part. My MIL especially. She acts as if shes a fortune teller. Sway part is she seemed to be able to guess the ending of her son's relationship all the time. So, my HB is like sort of believing all the nonsense which my MIL created. Haha!
You are still young. And your relationship with him is still very fresh, probably still the honeymoon period. Dun be affected by the "will get married or not". Still too early to judge. He just had a failed marraige. Everything is still very raw to him. Since he is willing to let you go into his circle, grab the opportunity to know his life. Not all men are willing to introduce their circle wor... It is a good way to know if this guy is suitable for you or not by knowing what kind of people he mixed with n the kind of places he goes.
Marriage doesnt involves with 2 person alone. It involves 2 families. Grab the chance to understand your possible in laws to be.
If this relationship dun works, at least its an experience.
My HB is 12 yrs older than me too. I was 19 when I knew him. Married him when I was 24. Bore him a son when I was 26. Aiyer... still, hes wary of me. -_- What can I say now? I cant be possibly divorce him because of this issnt it?
Actually my problem is more on the in laws part. My MIL especially. She acts as if shes a fortune teller. Sway part is she seemed to be able to guess the ending of her son's relationship all the time. So, my HB is like sort of believing all the nonsense which my MIL created. Haha!
You are still young. And your relationship with him is still very fresh, probably still the honeymoon period. Dun be affected by the "will get married or not". Still too early to judge. He just had a failed marraige. Everything is still very raw to him. Since he is willing to let you go into his circle, grab the opportunity to know his life. Not all men are willing to introduce their circle wor... It is a good way to know if this guy is suitable for you or not by knowing what kind of people he mixed with n the kind of places he goes.
Marriage doesnt involves with 2 person alone. It involves 2 families. Grab the chance to understand your possible in laws to be.
If this relationship dun works, at least its an experience.
Oh ya. 12 yrs hor, can be a generation gap. I experienced it.
When I was 19, I went to his gatherings, I am always very quiet because they dun talk about st james and zouk, they talked about properties and shares. After a while, I went to my gatherings and my friends talk about st james and zouk, I find my circle kind of childish. -_-
Right now because of him, I pushed my plans forward because he doesnt want to be an old father. My degree becomes a fixture on my table nia. I am not complaining la... Just something you have to take note if you are dating someone older. Hehe.
When I was 19, I went to his gatherings, I am always very quiet because they dun talk about st james and zouk, they talked about properties and shares. After a while, I went to my gatherings and my friends talk about st james and zouk, I find my circle kind of childish. -_-
Right now because of him, I pushed my plans forward because he doesnt want to be an old father. My degree becomes a fixture on my table nia. I am not complaining la... Just something you have to take note if you are dating someone older. Hehe.
bubblepuffs
New Member
Hi Denise,
Thanks for the note
Wow 19 years old! You are one brave lady
Let's just say I was very apprehensive about appearing anywhere near being a couple with him when it came to any gatherings because I didn't know how would they view me (like a 3rd party or something) although he assured me many times his friends knew better than anything to judge me that way because 2 of his close friends are divorced too.
He was very much estranged from his favourite sports and good friends because his ex-wife was not willing to interact with him and refused to go with him on any of his sports trip so to keep her company, he eventually stopped doing the things he liked and did the things she liked. So I think one of the reasons he was very active in bringing me out/inviting me was that I could gel up with his friends.
He brought me to one of the company events before and I got to go into the special areas because he requested a ticket for the F1 from his brother (there was only one pass and he was very nice to give it to me) - that was when I met his brother. He told me his sister in law and everyone was asking about me and his mum did mention to him that he should re-marry in future should a nice girl drops by. But to him now, he feels his mum is an eternal optimist and just wants her children to have a blissful marriage like every other mum. I think for now (or maybe forever) - he might just be that negative about marriage.
For the CCs he gave his ex-wife for her business - he only realized she ended up spending all of them on personal luxurious spendings instead of on the business. She chalked up a mid 6 figure bill and left the house. To be honest, I think he was broken through and through.
I do actually, hang out really well with some of them. Maybe because I am a little old (or rather I like to call it mature..hahaa) mentally, I've always enjoyed the company of people more senior than I do. I have very few close same old peers because I do not see the same level as most of their partying habits and spending. Trust me, his friends says when it comes to work and conversations, I have a mental age of 30 lol.
But I think I just didn't want to see myself going into a deeper pain if ever I think our relationship is going great in a few years to come and he does not want to bring it to another level.
I mentioned to him before - if we are really clicking well and everything is going well - and that the r/s has reached a plateau, don't you want to bring it further? He said if the lady in question wants to get married, he will probably have to let her go.
Which was why we decide to just go back to being regular friends because he mentioned he cannot live knowing he might be misleading me in any way that he might have a chance of changing his mind about marriage anytime soon/in future. We are still in contact but we don't hang around each other that often anymore - he hasn't told anyone about us being platonic friends so all common friends still probably think we have something going on and sometimes it do get a little weird for me when he behaves a little possessive in front of them.
I can't stop him upfront and yet it feels funny to be considered a potential pair (I think he really went telling some of the closer common friends that he was after me at that time) - anyways, I am slowly trying to detach so I don't get hurt in any way and is expanding social circle as well.
Not that I don't like him or don't want to give a try...but I think it's just not a great timing I guess....
Thanks for the note
Wow 19 years old! You are one brave lady
Let's just say I was very apprehensive about appearing anywhere near being a couple with him when it came to any gatherings because I didn't know how would they view me (like a 3rd party or something) although he assured me many times his friends knew better than anything to judge me that way because 2 of his close friends are divorced too.
He was very much estranged from his favourite sports and good friends because his ex-wife was not willing to interact with him and refused to go with him on any of his sports trip so to keep her company, he eventually stopped doing the things he liked and did the things she liked. So I think one of the reasons he was very active in bringing me out/inviting me was that I could gel up with his friends.
He brought me to one of the company events before and I got to go into the special areas because he requested a ticket for the F1 from his brother (there was only one pass and he was very nice to give it to me) - that was when I met his brother. He told me his sister in law and everyone was asking about me and his mum did mention to him that he should re-marry in future should a nice girl drops by. But to him now, he feels his mum is an eternal optimist and just wants her children to have a blissful marriage like every other mum. I think for now (or maybe forever) - he might just be that negative about marriage.
For the CCs he gave his ex-wife for her business - he only realized she ended up spending all of them on personal luxurious spendings instead of on the business. She chalked up a mid 6 figure bill and left the house. To be honest, I think he was broken through and through.
I do actually, hang out really well with some of them. Maybe because I am a little old (or rather I like to call it mature..hahaa) mentally, I've always enjoyed the company of people more senior than I do. I have very few close same old peers because I do not see the same level as most of their partying habits and spending. Trust me, his friends says when it comes to work and conversations, I have a mental age of 30 lol.
But I think I just didn't want to see myself going into a deeper pain if ever I think our relationship is going great in a few years to come and he does not want to bring it to another level.
I mentioned to him before - if we are really clicking well and everything is going well - and that the r/s has reached a plateau, don't you want to bring it further? He said if the lady in question wants to get married, he will probably have to let her go.
Which was why we decide to just go back to being regular friends because he mentioned he cannot live knowing he might be misleading me in any way that he might have a chance of changing his mind about marriage anytime soon/in future. We are still in contact but we don't hang around each other that often anymore - he hasn't told anyone about us being platonic friends so all common friends still probably think we have something going on and sometimes it do get a little weird for me when he behaves a little possessive in front of them.
I can't stop him upfront and yet it feels funny to be considered a potential pair (I think he really went telling some of the closer common friends that he was after me at that time) - anyways, I am slowly trying to detach so I don't get hurt in any way and is expanding social circle as well.
Not that I don't like him or don't want to give a try...but I think it's just not a great timing I guess....
Bubblepuffs,
according to my HB, his ex wife bring his pre-signed chequebook with her for mahjongs! Abuse alcohol and shops like crazy whenever she is not in good mood. Wahahaa!!
My HB did not spell clearly that he is afraid of marriage during our patorlogy days, I only got to know this after marriage. Dunno why can he remember this for so long... I calculated, he left the ex wife for 9 years le, the shadow is still there. Probably hes a cautious man in nature but its still very wrong to marry someone who you want to be wary of. DOesnt make sense. Anyway, its between me and my HB la.. not to everyone else who shares our situation.
Put marriage aside first. Your relationship is still very fresh
From how you describe this man, he seemed to be preparing you not to repeat the wife's mistake. Which I guess he has got considerations to make u as his future wife. However, he has his fears. I'm sure his ex wife is someone lovely and therefore he decided to marry her. Probably she changed or probably she began to take things for granted after marriage. DO you noe the details?
For my scenario, my HB always talked about his ex wife during our early par toh days. Erm, mostly the bad things. For eg, i step into MNG, he will say "Aiyo.. last time she (ex wife) always comes out with a 1K bill, the things here so nice meh?" Or go to KTV, he will "I am afraid to go pubs with her, she creates a scene after that". Ok la, I wasnt affected when he rake the ex's tales out. In fact I was rather amused. The ex really did things out of expected. I learnt something from there too, my HB doesnt like MNG and alcohol.
The frequency of her stories get lesser and lesser over the days we were together. It was about until during our 4th yr, I dun think I hear anything about her. Thats when the time we moved into something else, marriage and family.
You 2 are still too early to talk about marriage. Unless u intend to marry like... at age 24 or 25, 1st baby at 26 or 27. If not, just go ahead and fall in love. Nothing to be fear of. If you can take care of yourself, its not going to be hurt. =)
according to my HB, his ex wife bring his pre-signed chequebook with her for mahjongs! Abuse alcohol and shops like crazy whenever she is not in good mood. Wahahaa!!
My HB did not spell clearly that he is afraid of marriage during our patorlogy days, I only got to know this after marriage. Dunno why can he remember this for so long... I calculated, he left the ex wife for 9 years le, the shadow is still there. Probably hes a cautious man in nature but its still very wrong to marry someone who you want to be wary of. DOesnt make sense. Anyway, its between me and my HB la.. not to everyone else who shares our situation.
Put marriage aside first. Your relationship is still very fresh
From how you describe this man, he seemed to be preparing you not to repeat the wife's mistake. Which I guess he has got considerations to make u as his future wife. However, he has his fears. I'm sure his ex wife is someone lovely and therefore he decided to marry her. Probably she changed or probably she began to take things for granted after marriage. DO you noe the details?
For my scenario, my HB always talked about his ex wife during our early par toh days. Erm, mostly the bad things. For eg, i step into MNG, he will say "Aiyo.. last time she (ex wife) always comes out with a 1K bill, the things here so nice meh?" Or go to KTV, he will "I am afraid to go pubs with her, she creates a scene after that". Ok la, I wasnt affected when he rake the ex's tales out. In fact I was rather amused. The ex really did things out of expected. I learnt something from there too, my HB doesnt like MNG and alcohol.
The frequency of her stories get lesser and lesser over the days we were together. It was about until during our 4th yr, I dun think I hear anything about her. Thats when the time we moved into something else, marriage and family.
You 2 are still too early to talk about marriage. Unless u intend to marry like... at age 24 or 25, 1st baby at 26 or 27. If not, just go ahead and fall in love. Nothing to be fear of. If you can take care of yourself, its not going to be hurt. =)
