Cofused...Should i let go or wait

rapier78

New Member
Over work i have slowly developed feeling for my colleague. Knowing that she has a BF for 6 years i chose to love her sliently and showed my support in work by being around and helping her to solve problems that has arises during work.

I guess it also the concern, support and little thing that i done has let her know that i have feeling for her. Cos i do not need to be around during work but i will chose to be around and having excuses like i have lots of paper work to be clear.

When i know that she and her bf is facing problems as her bf does not support her in her work as her bf always complaint and argue that why she is working so hard. Complaint that he used to be her prioity and after she has come out to workforce all this has change. The most important that they are facing is that her mum does not like him.

Day by day, we get closer and everyone in the workplace can get that we are always together.. whereever she is i am always there. Colleague are even teasing both of us.

One fine day she sort of asking me why i am treating her more than a colleague. That when i decided to tell her that i have develop feeling for her and i do know that she has a bf and i do not wish to affect them that why i did not make any further advancement. She told me never say never cos we will never know what will happen in tomorrow.

I ask her but would she mind all the teasing from the colleague. She say she doesnt mind at all. That when we both started to text each other every night, during work we both msn and i started to acc her to work and send her home etc.

Both of us get closer and closer day by day. She told me abt the plan of her breaking up with her bf. i told her that think over it first, it will not be easy to give up like that and her bf will not give up like that. I guess her BF i felt that she has changed and have a talk with her. Since he opened a can of worms she told him what he dislike and she cant feel the sense of security with him. Cos her bf is born in a well to do family. His parent provide him with car, credit cards etc. He is ORD soon in may and till now he has no plans of finding a job. He did question her is it becos of a 3rd parties involve. She told him yes and no. Cos both of us have not started and it becuase of my present that gave her the courage to speak up as she wanted to do that long time ago as she felt that she has been taken granted for long.

Of cos after the breakup we get closer and she would lean on my shoulder during bus ride home or work. We also started to hold hands, small hugs and i do sometime give her kisses on face but not on lips and she mention that yes she enjoyed the feeling of having been pamper again but she does not want to start another R/S right away so no kisses on lips and wanted me to go after her cos it seem so natural and easy for the both of us.

I know that her bf will never give up so easy, which indeed he is fight back very hard. He post comment on fb that he is lost the meaning of living he is very sad and said that it not fair for him as she have never gave him a chance to changed. Naturally she also feel bad. So after sorting out her thoughts after 1 week of the break-up she decided to give him a last chance to changed. Sigh... i was feeling damn sad and down. But i also know that if i dun let her give him a chance to change she will never give up on him as she still have feeling for him. She thanks me for being so understanding.. (I have no choice)
 


confused09

New Member
since her choice is made then just let go n move on. wish her well n remain friends. this phase u're in will soon pass.
 

powder

Active Member
if u want to give, then dun be afraid to lose...

if u want to win, then dun be afraid for others to lose...

if u dun want to lose then dun have to try to be nice...

problem with u is that u try to be a gentleman whilst ignoring the fact that u are going after an attached girl. personally i find nothing wrong with that, but why try to be nice and all that whilst doing that?

u are obviously confused abt what u want... so if u ask me, u love yourself more Becos u think that u can maintain courtesy and still win. u overestimated yourself liao...

dun study law, then go into banking line and expect everyone to treat u like a lawyer...

the role u choose will be the role u will be treated for.
 

powder

Active Member
well u can still have her, if u want. but the key is whether u want to or not... unfortunately u're trying to win it your way, and want her to have some sort of higher willingness and initiative towards wanting to be with u.

altho there is nothing wrong in that, it might be a tad too egoistical, but since u're willing to up the stakes to win it your way, just be prepared for a higher chance to lose. as u already know it, your way has allowed for the ex to come back...

it is what u do, not what u dun do.
 

rapier78

New Member
Power to be frank i wanted to stop her ex from coming back.. i let go off her to let her by happy. But it seem like she is not happy at all.

It a tough fight now.. i have chose to fight on and wait. cos a leopard will never change it spots. I know it will be tough
 

powder

Active Member
wait?

honestly if u know the Other guy is an asshole, or if u are sure u are the best guy for her... why even let go? aren't u destroying her by reopening that choice to her?

think long nd hard.... this is just the beginning of one of the many tough choices u have to make in life... sometimes u have to be the bad guy even if u are not, and u have to have the world see u as the bad guy even if u are not... sometimes u have to let the wolrd misunderstand u... unfortunately, and u simply cannot explain.

that is life... it is similar to the tough decisions MM Lee made which most will not understand, but yet we get to see the fruits and enjoy it.

think deeper... cheers!
 

tomasulu

Member
I think you watched too many chick flicks or read too many romance novels. In the real world, and like most other ventures, energy and boldness are needed to close the deal. Have you not heard of the saying about love and war? Or the link between hesitation and self abuse eh gratification? Trite but very wise. Nobody says you should play dirty but it's retarded to encourage the chick to give it another go with her ex. Do you even love her? Finding the right girl to marry is about the most important venture a guy can undertake. It's more important than any business opportunity or job interview you'll ever have. If she is worth it, she deserves your very very best effort to win her over. Good luck.
 

denise80

Active Member
Rapier, if you seriously think she's going to be worse off with that bf of hers, then by all means, fight for it. My ex bade gdbye to me only to return four months later, crying for a patch back. I was already dating my hubby. And my hubby who aggressively pursued me then won me over and till today, I am really glad that he did or I might have been 'wishy washy' then and wasted more time trying to work out something which hadn't quite worked out earlier.
 

powder

Active Member
i think one of those great bitter and painful regrets... is in letting a girl go, knowing full well u were all for her... then few years down the road, see her in the most pitiful of states whilst u have moved on or settled for second best... and then u wonder if u should blame yourself for it.

by all means, if she's your life... what are u doing letting her exit your life?
 

rapier78

New Member
Dear All, Thanks for the advise.

The reason why i have let her go in the first place is she still have feeling for him. And she mention that if she do not give him this chance to change she might not be able to let go.

I am not giving up the fight yet cos i know that this guy will never change. Whatever he is doing now is just for a moment. I am still aggressively pursuing her still. By showing her support in work and showing concern to her.

I now is a tough fight and plus our feeling between each other is not that strong compare with her ex. If i ask her to make a choice she will choose him over me. She has already make her stand
 

powder

Active Member
u should start seeing other girls if u can. no need to pursue, but just go out on soft-dates and stuff...

reason i say this is becos u dun wanna screw her also, and to do that... u need to be pretty certain she's the one for u. u can only do that by exposing yourself to many other girls... if she's still the one for u, she'll still be. u get what i mean?

the best thing we can do for our partners, is to be certain that when we say they are the one, we are totally convicted that they are Indeed The One... and not just becos we're infatuated at that period and point of time.

that way, u do not give her a 2nd blow... but of cos even if u do, that's life and how it works...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Nothing wrong about wanting to be a gentleman. But, why like yourself rot in insecurity? If you don't have what it take for your decision, then don't try to act cool about it. Be honest with yourself.
 

vios

New Member
i dont agree with many opinions here.

it's not egoistical or retarded of Ivan to let her go in a bid to work out with her bf again, after all that's her choice? And, Ivan respects her decision.

It's human nature to get confused at this stage, morever everything sorta happened in a flash - so Ivan, don't beat yourself up too much and you're a fine guy - based on the fact that you're not pushy towards her decision.

yes, hang out with more gals and be there for her if you could (but merely as friends/colleagues) please.
 

tomasulu

Member
Chose to fight on and wait? Fighting and waiting are mutually exclusive. Which is which? Why don't you stand up and be counted?? Why is it so hard for you to go after her? She is not married. Tell her she should consider you because you are the better choice. They may have a longer history but from what you've described she likes you. She has given you enough hints - she allowed you to kiss her for goodness sake - it's time you man up and go after what you want. Enough with all your gentlemanly Jane Austin nonsense. Go hunt!
 

denise80

Active Member
Rapier, sometimes women also can't decide properly and may just go back to her ex thinking that she'd invested all the time in the past and thus she should continue to stick by him...this may not be love or true feelings...I think only you could judge this best
 

denise80

Active Member
lol since when do you care about calling ppl names - old fart, tortoise or what. Not visually impaired lah..maybe just cross-eyes that don't really know where they're watching haaaa
 

rapier78

New Member
Dear all, thank you for the advise. I was very confuse than but now i have decided to fight back. Even if i lost the fight. It will be worth it as i have fight for it.
 

tomasulu

Member
Ok fine. But let's not start with thinking even if i lose... Never fight scared. The thing is, it is as much you choosing her as she choosing you. You are doing the chasing but do it without short changing your love. Because dude you know you have a lot to offer. Really from out here looking in and from the sound of it, you do. You are the type who would fold paper cranes and record love songs in a cd. She can do a lot worse than picking you. Dont be a prick but have confidence. Never beg. Go forth like a conquering army believing that the natives need you.
 

powder

Active Member
since u've let her go back, be prepared for a yoyo effect from here... anyone can fight, it's abt the patience and endurance when it comes to these types of fights, n knowing when to cut loss...

moments lost, wrong decisions made... they will impact subsequent options. as u may well know, nce the feelng is lost, u can hardly find it back...

just remember to never ever believe in pple who suggest that u go on a holiday and walk backwards to recapture 'feelings'... it doesn't happen becos if effort to love someone is that conscious, u're better off picking someone u dun fancy n forcing yourself to love that person becos she is Nice.

likewise, dun expect her to love u more for your self-sacrificial actions... assholes can have as many girls infatuated with them too.... women are built with an innate need to tame wild horses. if u're a nice obedient pony, u offer no challenge to them.

"i married him becos he's a nice guy"... is very very patronizing. get your priorities right... there are more nice single guys than bad single guys.
 

rapier78

New Member
Tomasulu- yah i shouldnt be thinking of losing a fight when i haven even started a fight. To win this fight, i must a skill that he dun have or cant provide so as to win him.

Power- True i have friends and colleagues that has ask me to take a break go for a overseas trip. Haha i think otherwise . I dun think it will help or change my mind cos once i like a person i will not give up so easy. But of cos i also dun want to be appearing as a easy tame horse. Cos if too easy she might not find it challenging at all..
 

cuclainne

New Member
I don't understand - if both parties like each other, then why must play hard-to-get and make it challenging?

I don't like playing games, especially with matters of the heart.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"Love has its own instinct, finding the way to the heart, as the feeblest insect finds the way to its flower, with a will which nothing can dismay nor turn aside."

~ Honore De Balzac
 

cococherry

New Member
Just one suggestion
å…ˆå°äººåŽå›å­

Get her on the bed first.
A friend of mine took 4yrs to court the girl he likes but never make much move because he's too nice /shy.
In the end one man slept wif her and she dates that man. Once a while u need to move out of your Mr Nice man zone and play bastard.

Some women must close deal with this kind of method.
 

vios

New Member
powder - "women are built with an innate need to tame wild horses. if u're a nice obedient pony, u offer no challenge to them."

got what you mean but wa lau, i think Ivan sorta doesn't as he places much emphasis on the word "challenge".

yoz Ivan, the whole idea is to be yourself - the way you love and care for her - but not to be overly-accomodating with every freaking request/demand/opinion that turn you into a puppet more than anything else.

anyway, of course you can try to win her back even after you let her go. just don't be a backup as and when she faces the same kind of shit with the bf.
 

denise80

Active Member
haha...cococherry, your suggestion is really a forceful one!

But rapier, there is some truth in that. Women can be sometimes very irrational beings...they are easily swept away by emotions. Frankly, I wouldn't have agreed to be my hubby's gf then if not for a 'forceful' and sudden kiss he planted on my lips while in his car. He said he was prepared for a slap when he did that. But of course, I melted rather than be angry. I asked him before..what if I really pushed him away or slapped him..his answer was simply he's all prepared for all kinds of consequences but he doesn't regret his move. Interesting huh...so it shows that some women indeed need a man like this...maybe not to the extent of bedding her but to be 'aggressive' in your pursuit (not to be a nuisance tho).
 

rapier78

New Member
Vios - she dont make freaking request/demand/opinion. so this is not a problem.

It just that caused she has gone back to her ex and seeing them getting closer day by day i do affect me.

Maybe becaused i Bu Gan Xin just to give up like that as i know she do love me. Caused i have spoken with her before and ask do you want me to give up she say no caused she do love me and enjoyed my accompany.

Sorry i am so useless cos i tot i can handle it not as i have never face rejection before.
 

powder

Active Member
unfortunately, that is to be expected... if u leave a rather strong independent lady, that's gonna be ok... but if u leave a lady whom u realise - constantly need some form of male company be it fren or bfren... then erm, u will lose her pretty soon.

every second that u're not with her and she's with him... what's actually stopping her from committing to him, making promises to him etc? nothing is actually stopping her... and knowing girls, they will give in order to receive...

too bad, u took the nice guy route... what most nice guys dun tell u is how painful this period is, wondering and waiting for that girl to turn back for a moment...

they never do.

u'll need a rather heated quarrel, enough for her to come looking for u. unfortunately when she comes back and u want her back, u will be met with the commitment/promise made as mentioned in paragraph 2.

ouch... but that's life.
 

cococherry

New Member
Haha Denise,
thats what I meant.

I have rejected my fiance's pursuit for near 11yrs, only melted down after I slept with him on one emo nite.
 

rapier78

New Member
Power - yes it is very painful this period. The wondering and waiting for her to come back.

But i do know that recently they are quarreling over me. cos the guy is very insecure. Like check on her phone etc.

I am still waiting to see how long can they last
 

rapier78

New Member
Infojunkie - yah tks nice songs

Cococherry - i am keeping my option open too. Cos i know i am only able to move on when someone else has replaced her in my heart.
 

nichie

Member
oh...in that case....like other say...you have to be the bad guy to win this war....send her more missing her or concerning sms to stir up more unpleasant feeling among them....I believe in no time she will be back to you....no gal like an insecure guy constantlly arguing and doubting her sincerity....remember..gal like guy that is persistant and initiative....waiting is ok but certain action in the background is needed...makeing her believe your concern is genuine although you have other motives...abit underhand but dont expect your dream gal to drop from the sky ok?
 

nichie

Member
Denise...'a 'forceful' and sudden kiss he planted on my lips'...wow...how forceful huh...keke...your hubby daring devil le...hmm..since like to confirm gf-bf status...abit of hard tactic is required...so guys...dont be too shy or gentleman...
 

infojunkie

Active Member
ivan,

u ain't gonna get it if u're so terribly dull u know?

come on, live up to ur name!

stop showing her ur support.

stop showing her ur concern.

and stop showing that brooding face of urs.

siam her as much as possible, BUT attend to her professionally.

just be very very very Unavailable...

both emotionally & physically.
 

rapier78

New Member
Outcast - that quite true also cos every time i send sms to her. He will question her. She has given him the last chance that if they will to quarrel again she will leave him for sure.

I know to win this war i must have some skill that he does not have. Now i am winning over him by not doubting her and i have gave her full support for her to go back to him. Which i know he will not change and time will proved that he has not change.

Am i too cocky.. cos my friends say i am.
 

nichie

Member
keke...seem like your potential gf is feeding you with insider information...better lah...at least you not in the dark and can strategise abit...no wonder you give her full support to go back and so cocky....opps...I meant confident...
 

rapier78

New Member
Nichi - It is also becos of the insider information that i have make me feel that they will not last long.

I know i dun need to do anything at this moment and by not doing anything he is already feeling so insecure and if i do make a move he might become crazy. Cos when i am not doing anything he ask her am i planning anything
 

powder

Active Member
just something for the future... whether biz or relationship...

there's not just the 2 of u who can enter her life.

sadly, i see betrayed wives blaming TOW, i see men blaming another man for wooing their wives... and in this, i see u sort of assuming there can be only 2 of u.

if only all my biz competitors think like u... then i would be making millions yearly.
 

rapier78

New Member
Power - i do understand that there might be other guy that can enter her life anytime.

If i ever win her over... i wil treasure her and alway love her.. than with all my love she will not let any other guys to enter her life
 

eddie77

New Member
My thoughts:
I don't think u should fight for her to come back.
If it doesn't turn out well, I think u will be devastated more. Why waste your time?
I don't believe in fighting to get the girl back. (those were what we did when we were in Schools.)
Now, we are old already. I don't think it is wise to spend this time. It could be wasted. Why not look out for another relationship? May be there's another girl for you else where.
Besides, even if she comes back to you, will all her heart be for you? Or will she have given half of her heart to that guy? been with a girl while knowing that she has given half of her heart to another guy? What would the feeling be like?
 

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