Cheating Wife

needhelpnow

New Member
Hi all, apologies in advance for hijacking this forum and the long story, I would like to seek some advice on the conundrum I’m in.

So my Wife of 2 years has been cheating on me with another male colleague (A) emotionally (she says she found another ‘me’ in A and it’s more of an emotional bond than physical relations, I also came across a message of her apologizing to A how she was drunk during a company event and was intimate with another more than a year ago) and physically (checked into hotel rooms with A while lying to me) for about half a year. In her messages she has been more than forthright in asking for intimacy, and seems to enjoy the thrill and excitement of the novelty of an affair. A is someone who is very popular in office and is a married father who just welcomed his 2nd newborn.

Just before we married, she changed jobs to a more glamorous industry and started mentioning how attractive the men look and how they shower her with attention, which was something she said I could but didn’t do enough. But she was open about it and said they are just eye candy and even introduced me to A before. Throughout all these she behaved as normal around me, caring for me still and doing her part for the household.

After I confronted her she reiterated that I had neglected her all these while as we would spend time apart when we are home (she did mention before but I did not think much of it), me not being gentlemanly enough and being controlling (we mutually lost interest in each other in the bedroom as well), and that she just found someone that filled her void. She also harbors deep resentment towards my family for mistreating her previously and I didn’t stand up for her back then, hence she kept suggesting we should divorce during the confrontation.

Thereafter I acknowledged these, and we promised to work on rediscovering ourselves. I also changed my behavior towards her, which she now agrees was much better than before. Her other main concern was that she did not see herself putting up with my family for life, to which I suggested to keep them out of our lives as much as possible, and I also recently resolved the previous issues with my family together with her present as well.

Nowadays we are rebuilding and most times it’s as though nothing had happened – we still enjoy each other’s company very much, although with little physical intimacy as she only thinks of him when it comes to that but she says she is ‘working on it’ to eventually have children with me - she mentioned she cannot accept A as a father, only as a lover. On the one hand she says she knows our marriage will be for the long term and A is temporary, yet she still continues the affair physically and emotionally in office. Even though it was agreed with both spouses (A’s Wife knows about the affair as well) there should not be any unnecessary contact between them anymore.

Another issue is that now she would become angry and threaten divorce every time I talk about her feelings for A as she says I don't trust her enough (as she says she’s slowly loving me back) and that A is unrelated to our marriage issues. It seems like they want to keep this going on for as long as possible behind their spouses' backs while staying married, even though she had said before it’s a forced ‘breakup’ and she just needs time to recover from it, and eventually stay married to me for life. A month has passed since the confrontation, should I wait for time to tell or confront her a second time, as only I know that they are continuing the relationship in office? Is she really trying to break away from him or just loves both of us at the same time?
 


rip_curl

Member
honestly, you deserved someone better. Dont waste your time anymore pls bro! There is no guarantee she will change...You make the change before you have kids which is much easier. Moreover, she already get intimate with others physically. Seriously...WTF!
 

foolishguy

New Member
Hi needhelpnow, feel for you bro..take care and stay strong.

By stating that you are for the long term amd Mr A is temporary means she is taking you as a safe harbour (atm) and A as a f**kboy to satisfy her own selfish lust. No point trying to rebuild your relationship as you already say she will threaten to divorce whenever you spoke of A. Instead of reassuring you, she threatens you.

In my opinion, better to just divorce your wife as she is already gone case from what you have described. No kids will be much easier to make a clean cut..don't regret after only having kids.
 

needhelpnow

New Member
Thank you everyone for your replies, i am getting numbed by her behavior, i will try religious counselling and if it fails, i will collate evidence and spill the beans to all. I am also mindful of the kids portion and do not want such a mother to my children - i am just waiting for time to tell everything. Once the time limit is up i will walk away with no regrets.
 

rip_curl

Member
engaged a PI if you really want so that it helps in your process. If you intend to do it yourself at the expense of your sanity or work , pls do think twice. Care for yourself first before anything else now. Dont let your life go to waste for this kind of woman. Its not worth it that she is happy over there and you are suffering here at the expense of your own well being. Whatever you do starting from this point, put yourself first. Think abt your close friends and parents.

Like what a bro told me here, no one pity you and we are just a little droplets in the big ocean. Stay strong and brave..you can do it. Time will heal...Good Luck
 

Chocogal

Member
Hi needhelpnow, sometimes being super understanding to the one you choose to be your life time partner back fire after yrs down the road. The more reason or excuses you will find or spare a thought for her all the more she will take advantage of your kindness towards her.. the day she choose to betray your trust she already knows what she's planning for even when she jolly well knows she's married..

Having the best of two worlds is her ideal goal. But you finding out wasn't part of her plan thus being angry with you at the slightest reason or even unreasonable is her best way of treatment towards you for spoiling her plan.

You thought that you meant the whole world to her only to feel crumpled when you realise you were already out of her world.

You know what's the best for your rs. Jia you!
 

eileen85

New Member
Thank you everyone for your replies, i am getting numbed by her behavior, i will try religious counselling and if it fails, i will collate evidence and spill the beans to all. I am also mindful of the kids portion and do not want such a mother to my children - i am just waiting for time to tell everything. Once the time limit is up i will walk away with no regrets.
Hi there, when a marriage failed, both parties will have to take a step back and reflect. You mentioned that you have neglected her hence probably that is why the affair started as well and it seems that she is also not on good terms with your family..all these are contributing factors and i guess things are swept under the carpet instead of having an open communication. Having said that, she should still work on the marriage instead of looking for someone to fill her emptiness. It's up to you if u still want to rebuild this relationship and do not use kids as chips as part of the rebuilding process. Else if it doesnt work, everyone will feel torn especially the kids. I am also in the process of divorce, and the silver lining is that we do not have any kids and it makes the process much easier and the hurt is just between the adults. Give yourself a timeline and if there is still no effort from her side, then it's time to move on. You will do fine, take care. :)
 

buddhabar

Active Member
TS, She knew who she love but also knew you make a better life time partner thus resulting in you current situation.
Your pain will only double over the years when you one day find out A has never been out of her life.
Apparently , you have lost her. Be kind to yourselves.
 
Hi all, apologies in advance for hijacking this forum and the long story, I would like to seek some advice on the conundrum I’m in.

So my Wife of 2 years has been cheating on me with another male colleague (A) emotionally (she says she found another ‘me’ in A and it’s more of an emotional bond than physical relations, I also came across a message of her apologizing to A how she was drunk during a company event and was intimate with another more than a year ago) and physically (checked into hotel rooms with A while lying to me) for about half a year. In her messages she has been more than forthright in asking for intimacy, and seems to enjoy the thrill and excitement of the novelty of an affair. A is someone who is very popular in office and is a married father who just welcomed his 2nd newborn.

Just before we married, she changed jobs to a more glamorous industry and started mentioning how attractive the men look and how they shower her with attention, which was something she said I could but didn’t do enough. But she was open about it and said they are just eye candy and even introduced me to A before. Throughout all these she behaved as normal around me, caring for me still and doing her part for the household.

After I confronted her she reiterated that I had neglected her all these while as we would spend time apart when we are home (she did mention before but I did not think much of it), me not being gentlemanly enough and being controlling (we mutually lost interest in each other in the bedroom as well), and that she just found someone that filled her void. She also harbors deep resentment towards my family for mistreating her previously and I didn’t stand up for her back then, hence she kept suggesting we should divorce during the confrontation.

Thereafter I acknowledged these, and we promised to work on rediscovering ourselves. I also changed my behavior towards her, which she now agrees was much better than before. Her other main concern was that she did not see herself putting up with my family for life, to which I suggested to keep them out of our lives as much as possible, and I also recently resolved the previous issues with my family together with her present as well.

Nowadays we are rebuilding and most times it’s as though nothing had happened – we still enjoy each other’s company very much, although with little physical intimacy as she only thinks of him when it comes to that but she says she is ‘working on it’ to eventually have children with me - she mentioned she cannot accept A as a father, only as a lover. On the one hand she says she knows our marriage will be for the long term and A is temporary, yet she still continues the affair physically and emotionally in office. Even though it was agreed with both spouses (A’s Wife knows about the affair as well) there should not be any unnecessary contact between them anymore.

Another issue is that now she would become angry and threaten divorce every time I talk about her feelings for A as she says I don't trust her enough (as she says she’s slowly loving me back) and that A is unrelated to our marriage issues. It seems like they want to keep this going on for as long as possible behind their spouses' backs while staying married, even though she had said before it’s a forced ‘breakup’ and she just needs time to recover from it, and eventually stay married to me for life. A month has passed since the confrontation, should I wait for time to tell or confront her a second time, as only I know that they are continuing the relationship in office? Is she really trying to break away from him or just loves both of us at the same time?

Sounds like a textbook example of a contingency man.
Just like your wife, my ex wife also cheated and was extremely creative with her excuses for cheating.
I was being treated as a fall back plan while she searches for her true bf. And she readily divorced when she found him taking away a lot of money. I gave her that money and moved on in life. Costly but I found freedom to remarry the right woman. I am now a proud and happy father of one. Seeing my child's happiness never fail to remind me how lucky I am to be able to finally leave that toxic marriage.

3 years down the divorce, my ex-wife came back to me demanding to re-negotiate the divorce settlement citing her rights as a singaporean woman. She apparently lost her bf for who knows what reason and now wants to use me as her fall back plan again. Several of my friends in the legal industry warned me not to provide any $1 nonsense during the divorce which I stood firm and demanded for a clear and concise NO MAINTENANCE clause.

Good luck and please divorce.
 

Alexiaseifert

New Member
I feel your pain and I'm sure your partner is a manipulative person. In my own case, I didn't know he had been sleeping with his secretary but I was sure something was up even through he said it was all in my head. A friend recommended [email protected] and within a short time I was able to confirm my suspicions. They were completely anonymous and highly professional, it was a big risk but the reward has gotten me out of the bad marriage, now I'm in a much better place and don't regret endorsing this recommendation.

Alexia.
 

margret

Member
I feel your pain and I'm sure your partner is a manipulative person. In my own case, I didn't know he had been sleeping with his secretary but I was sure something was up even through he said it was all in my head. A friend recommended [email protected] and within a short time I was able to confirm my suspicions. They were completely anonymous and highly professional, it was a big risk but the reward has gotten me out of the bad marriage, now I'm in a much better place and don't regret endorsing this recommendation.

Alexia.
Hacking Ian illegal!
Any evidence you take from hacking cannot be used as evidence in court.
This is a scam
 

TheRepentant

New Member
It is clear she has made serious mistakes with her affair. Now perhaps a few important questions you should answer.
1) Can you forgive her on her affair?
2) Are you willing to put in immense efforts to make the marriage works even though it seems one sided
for now?
3) Are you willing to change yourself to make the marriage works? Esp when something you did or fail to do may have contributed to the current issue.

I asked the above because it is what help salvage my marriage. At this moment in time, while she is still on the fence, you can do is to work on it on your side. I came across a marriage fitness website when my wife left me with kids, I took on the course myself and one of the key concept is one can still bring back a marriage by working on oneself, although with huge efforts. I thought it was nonsensical reading thru the endless list of testimonials from people on the web, but when I bite the bullet and try it, it worked like a charm, it took me about a year or so, but I win back my wife and get reunited with my kids. Every day is a painful day until your behavior started to win her over. Check out maxx marriage fitness course on web.

During conflict there will be a lot of blaming, anger, hatred etc. Sometimes these negative feelings were so strong that it makes one thinkS that the love is dead and gone forever, but trust me, every storm will pass and feelings can be rekindled. So have faith. This is what happened to me. I just want to share my experience.

Next, do not go for marriage counselling. True to what the marriage fitness guru advised, if u were to go marriage counselling together as a couple what the counsellor will do is to talk about the problems you have and often it caused things worse as the conversations focus on problems and make both defensive and argue even on the spot. I know because when my wife wanted me to go as condition of her returning, we went and my heart nearly jumped out of my mouth with the counsellor poking on the already fragile relationship with all kinds of questions that ask what happened and make us go through the tension all over again. Any failure to maintain one’s composure is bound to result in heated arguments.
So having fulfilled my wife’s criteria of joint counseling, I followed the marriage fitness rules not to touch on the conflicts at all, instead work on the marriage fitness. As the guru said, any problems can be solved once the relationship has grown very strong. On the other hand, what most couple did wrong is to try solve issues between them when the relationship is very very fragile. This is very true! So I followed this religiously, steered clear of all unhappiness, keep building on our relationship until it got very strong and loving. And when it happened,there is no need to visit the past for me. We may talk about some learnings but that’s it.

In my case, I realize besides some events that culminated in our huge fallout, one important factor is when kids came along, we became busy and tired with caring for them that we don’t make time for each other anymore. very little intimacy, buying things for each other, celebrating occasions, all the little things etc. Not to mention with kids, we started to have more disagreements on how they should be cared for, taught, fed, bathed etc all kinds of trivial issues blown out of proportion with tired body and mind. So you would have to work on the intimacy part, try something to re-connect with her. Example, romantic dinner, buy her some sexy lingerie to kindle the lust u have in her. Have regular cuddling in bed even if tired for sex. Hold hands and ask about her to make her feel loved. She will turn back.
of course it is easy to give up.
During courtship, lovers only focus on each other’s merits and tend not to see the failings. Not that they are not there. But over the years of togetherness in marriage, we started to focus on our partners’ mistakes, and this is where things started to go downhill. See if u can get her to go on marriage fitness course together (not marriage counselling).
 

Catin

New Member
If within two years she can find someone that she can throw her marriage out for ... I dun think this marriage is for the Long run... best to leave
 

Boss117

New Member
Go a pair la, unless you willing for your wife to continue f*****g guys behind your back for the rest of your life, divorce asap. And find a good lawyer, a nasty shark to get as much as you can.
 

Young Lyn

New Member
Thank you everyone for your replies, i am getting numbed by her behavior, i will try religious counselling and if it fails, i will collate evidence and spill the beans to all. I am also mindful of the kids portion and do not want such a mother to my children - i am just waiting for time to tell everything. Once the time limit is up i will walk away with no regrets.
Don’t divorce because everyone says you should.
Sometimes you should also allow yourself to giving yourself a chance. The only way to cure infidelity is LOVE. When they feel real genuine love, they will not stray.
It’s your life so when you think of D, think carefully if it is what you really want. Is there seriously no more love in the relationship.
I think there is v little trust in the relationship now but I sensed you still love her else you would not have forgiven her. Give yourself some time. Let this year pass and move on to the next year and see whether things become better.
 

dream_on

New Member
The crux of the problem is that she sees it as nothing wrong with her doing all the emotional cheating.

It is funny isnt? That the cheater justified the cheating as if it is your fault.

Remember, the issues she had with you doesnt justify her cheating. By failing to acknowledge that, she knows she will lead you by your nose and you have to walk on thin egg shells, worrying every wrong thing you did will lead her into cheating.

Due to the fundamental issue right here: she used your fear as a leverage against you, you should walk away. She is not even remorseful and did not even try to even understand the pain you are undergoing right now.

Why did I say all these, coz I know of someone who is like her, her excuses for cheating? the BF did not want to marry her. and so He did. And she cheated again? Why? Coz the now Husband did not pay attention to her.

Seriously...your actions are enabling such narcissist behaviour. Pack up and leave. But before you do so, you should consider telling the wife of A what is going on. The moment the affair blows up, your wife and A will be accusing of each other of leading each other on.
 

Find TJ

New Member
The creator of the universe is fair and kind to all of us.

We are all here to learn some lessons before we are laid to rest. (die)
I believe that cheating spouse will never go scott free because the creator of the universe can press a button to take back everything given to the cheating spouse.
If you have children, please spare a thought for the children. If they have a broken family, they may be broken inside them when they grow up.
Unless you have exhausted all options, DIVORCE should never be the first option in your mind.

I have witnessed cheating spouse who was high in their corporate ladder and became only a normal salaried person.
I have witnessed how the creator of the universe denied all jobs for a cheating spouse who walked out on his wife and children (baby and 4 yo)
I have witnessed how the creator of the universe use another person to wake the cheating spouse up
I have witnessed how the creator of the universe took away the most precious thing from the cheating spouse
I have witnessed how the creator of the universe sent an illness to the healthy cheating spouse

The creator of this universe didn't pair us up to see us break up. He paired us up to learn lessons about life. If we can pass these life lessons, we will become better.
 

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