cant believe he changed

serene_ho

Member
Hi All,

My problem started 2 years ago when hubby stab in the back by his friend at work and lost his job. He was unsucessful in getting a job for a while and decided to start his own business. The biz didnt do well and we evetnually lost it in a short period of time.

during the time when he was looking after the business there was not much to do and he started texting his ex classmate. Although they are in different countries. initally i didnt think much of it. but one time when he was helping her with work, i saw a msg come in on his messenger, I said to him "she" texted you. The first thing he did was said to me "i dont know why she text me, i havent been communicating with her" while on messenger she had already told me that she had ask for help with her work. I wasnt happy that he lied to me, and so we argued afterwards.

from then on i find him texting and being very secretive. we had fought on and off the last year about this subject and 2 weeks ago i delibrately deleted her number from his phone, since he said that he doesnt text her anymore, just to find out the next day he had saved her in a different name. to make it worse now he goes on wechat people nearby to chat to girls to destress. We havent been talking since i initated a separation.

but i know they are still keeping in touch.

I have always been insecure.

Have i over exagerrated in this case? we are currently sleeping in different rooms and he takes his phone and ipad everywhere in the house so i dont get to touch it.

am i being over sensitive? I use to be the world to him until last year. Now he tells me "i can communicate to whom,when, where i want and its none of your business, you either accept or move on" now i feel so unwanted. He doesnt talk to me anymore and instead prefer to be texting other ppl.
 


newproject

Active Member
So is it confirmed the ex classmate is living overseas?

Then it might be an emotional affair. Or if not that he might have feeling for her and just feel guilty and defensive.

From the guys point of view, when a guy fails in work, he may feel the need to prove himself in other ways.

Helping a girl he finds attractive at work helps him feel useful or manly so maybe in began from there.

Is he working now? Is he unhappy about his career? How old are the both of you? How long were you both married?
 

serene_ho

Member
yes she is living overseas, but in constant communication.

Worse is i found him going on dating sites too, when confronted he denies even when i showed him proof.

we are 40yrs this year, and have been together for 8.

Currently he is working odd jobs here and there.

im not sure how i can get him back, i am now constantly checking on him. I feel very tired doing this and it shouldnt be this way.

he no longer wants to assure me saying that everytime he assures me it will go back to square one. It seems that he wants a single life?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Hi All,

My problem started 2 years ago when hubby stab in the back by his friend at work and lost his job. He was unsucessful in getting a job for a while and decided to start his own business. The biz didnt do well and we evetnually lost it in a short period of time.

during the time when he was looking after the business there was not much to do and he started texting his ex classmate. Although they are in different countries. initally i didnt think much of it. but one time when he was helping her with work, i saw a msg come in on his messenger, I said to him "she" texted you. The first thing he did was said to me "i dont know why she text me, i havent been communicating with her" while on messenger she had already told me that she had ask for help with her work. I wasnt happy that he lied to me, and so we argued afterwards.

from then on i find him texting and being very secretive. we had fought on and off the last year about this subject and 2 weeks ago i delibrately deleted her number from his phone, since he said that he doesnt text her anymore, just to find out the next day he had saved her in a different name. to make it worse now he goes on wechat people nearby to chat to girls to destress. We havent been talking since i initated a separation.

but i know they are still keeping in touch.

I have always been insecure.

Have i over exagerrated in this case? we are currently sleeping in different rooms and he takes his phone and ipad everywhere in the house so i dont get to touch it.

am i being over sensitive? I use to be the world to him until last year. Now he tells me "i can communicate to whom,when, where i want and its none of your business, you either accept or move on" now i feel so unwanted. He doesnt talk to me anymore and instead prefer to be texting other ppl.

Even if its not this classmate, look at the situation of your marriage. You contradict yourself.

You guys have initiated separation and sleeping in different rooms. So what are you expecting? That he comes begging you to rekindle the marriage? If you guys are working towards seperation, it means you are both ready to move on, so who he wechat or sleep with, has really no meaning for you. Your insecurity means nothing to the situation.

"im not sure how i can get him back, i am now constantly checking on him. I feel very tired doing this and it shouldnt be this way."

Who initiates separation expecting to get him back? Logical or not? You cannot believe he changed but you are changing your mind like roti prata. No man can understand you like this. If you decide to seperate, naturally both parties should be planning their exit path. Suggest you sort out your thoughts and have a good talk with him. He might have already moved on.
 

serene_ho

Member
Hi Miloice,

what youre saying makes sense. It seems i am the one who wants to leave and wants to stay. I am confused!

I have asked him for a talk but he wouldnt.
 

Infernolord

Active Member
Honestly it is frustrating if you keep checking on him.
From a guy point of view, i get very very angry if my gf keep checking on me. I let her have all the access to my ipad, mobile, computer etc.
If everything, everytime i need to explain why i talk to a "lady", i feel betrayed. Cos i let you have every access for you to find "proof" so that you can confront me ? (if a guy give you all access, mean nothing to hid, nothing secretive. Dont be over sensitive!!)
I believe it all started like this, so he start to chat on dating app to spike you one way or the other.

Worst till, u ask for separatation.

PS. This is speaking on how i would feel as a guy. Maybe give you some thoughts on it. A rs is based on trust. This man give you a home and access to all his items.
How would you feel, if you cook for a person, and this person keep comparing your food and say it sucks. sooner or later u will stop cooking for him, cos you dont want him to keep complaining how suck your food is..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Hi Miloice,

what youre saying makes sense. It seems i am the one who wants to leave and wants to stay. I am confused!

I have asked him for a talk but he wouldnt.
Serene, as mentioned, he might have already moved on. Face the reality.
 

newproject

Active Member
Honestly it is frustrating if you keep checking on him.
From a guy point of view, i get very very angry if my gf keep checking on me. I let her have all the access to my ipad, mobile, computer etc.
If everything, everytime i need to explain why i talk to a "lady", i feel betrayed. Cos i let you have every access for you to find "proof" so that you can confront me ? (if a guy give you all access, mean nothing to hid, nothing secretive. Dont be over sensitive!!)
I believe it all started like this, so he start to chat on dating app to spike you one way or the other.

Worst till, u ask for separatation.

PS. This is speaking on how i would feel as a guy. Maybe give you some thoughts on it. A rs is based on trust. This man give you a home and access to all his items.
How would you feel, if you cook for a person, and this person keep comparing your food and say it sucks. sooner or later u will stop cooking for him, cos you dont want him to keep complaining how suck your food is..
Hey infernolord. Long time no see. How's your r/s with your gf coming along?
 

newproject

Active Member
Hi Miloice,

what youre saying makes sense. It seems i am the one who wants to leave and wants to stay. I am confused!

I have asked him for a talk but he wouldnt.
Hmm looking at your past posts assuming you not trolling, you are a very complicated woman....
 

serene_ho

Member
hahahhaha newproject, thank you for your insight. I really appreciate it. I have been hurt too many times before and I didnt even "check on them" in my previous relationships. So im kinda protecting myself but made it worse?!

yes you are right..I am complicated because i cant make up my mind.

We finally had a talk last night, he said he should be able to have his own circle of friends and i have mine. I guess i couldnt get past the initial stage when we started our relationship he told me "you are everything to me and i dont need other friends blah blah". and that he talk to makes him wants to have an affair. That i should put all my negative thinking aside.

I guess im just selfish....
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hahahhaha newproject, thank you for your insight. I really appreciate it. I have been hurt too many times before and I didnt even "check on them" in my previous relationships. So im kinda protecting myself but made it worse?!

yes you are right..I am complicated because i cant make up my mind.

We finally had a talk last night, he said he should be able to have his own circle of friends and i have mine. I guess i couldnt get past the initial stage when we started our relationship he told me "you are everything to me and i dont need other friends blah blah". and that he talk to makes him wants to have an affair. That i should put all my negative thinking aside.

I guess im just selfish....

Serene, every person and relationship is different. Whether a person can response positively to past experience or not, is also very dependent on individual. Your past experience can teach you to become wiser and a better judgement of the situation, that would be positive. However, the way you put it, it has made you paranoid and you excuse your past as reason to not trust your husband. Your past is not an excuse nor reason to hurt the man you are with. If there is nothing, all your checks and accusations just insult the relationship and effort that both of you put in to it. This is not a criticism but like Infernolord, offer a guys' perspective. I value trust a lot. There are gender traits, women needs attention and assurance. Men needs space and trust. Some guys just demand that, while others are more understanding. I communicate my expectations and needs, and offer the assurance that my wife needs to trust. If she doesn't trust, I reflect on my behavior, is there anything that I did that cause it, if the answer is no, then the issue is with her. I can help guide my partner provided she is open to feedback and taking actions to reflect and improve. Else, its a huge insult to the entire relationship. Why waste more time on it, if it is going to be a vicious cycle where nothing is about the current relationship. The key influence is always PREVIOUS relationship. Then, she should go back to her ex.

I have an ex class mate, whom I'm close to. She went thr several relationships, a divorce with a kid and finally remarrying. We hardly meet nowadays but when she was down, I never failed to turn up when she asked for my help. I knew my wife was insecure about it in the past. So, I planned meet ups together. So that she will know my 'buddy' better herself. At the same time, I keep her updated. After sometime, she is OK with my friend. Relationship is an art, building trust requires deliberate actions by both parties to be aware of our emotions and uncertainties. Being honest with our feelings BUT not punishing our partners for it. Deal with our demons, our partners can only be understanding and supportive, they cannot face our issues for us.
 
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serene_ho

Member
Miloice, newproject, infernolord - I thank you for speaking your minds and what I've read from you guys makes sense. I really value your opinions, The problem is really on me, my mindset, not being able to trust.
I want to change, but the demons in my head gets the better of me. I've lost all my self confidence wen the biz went bust. I used to have facials or go shopping to make myself
Pretty n all but no this sort of luxury these days.
For the past year he hasn't told me I'm pretty or mushy mushy things which I find important to keep the relationship alive. I know, I know I'm petty.

I'm always feeling sad n depressed these days, please where n how do I start to change my negative mindset.

I went to see a counsellor last year they've prescribe anti depressants which made me tired n not able to concentrate.
 

JaneLi

Member
Miloice, newproject, infernolord - I thank you for speaking your minds and what I've read from you guys makes sense. I really value your opinions, The problem is really on me, my mindset, not being able to trust.
I want to change, but the demons in my head gets the better of me. I've lost all my self confidence wen the biz went bust. I used to have facials or go shopping to make myself
Pretty n all but no this sort of luxury these days.
For the past year he hasn't told me I'm pretty or mushy mushy things which I find important to keep the relationship alive. I know, I know I'm petty.

I'm always feeling sad n depressed these days, please where n how do I start to change my negative mindset.

I went to see a counsellor last year they've prescribe anti depressants which made me tired n not able to concentrate.
Looks like u have some anxiety & paranoid issues ... Some indications might be there already, if u have seen a doctor already & being prescribed pills already then better to take it .. there are pills that are non drowsy.. ask your doctor for it.
 

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