Can someone help me get outta this shadow?

[etleen]

hi everyone,

i will be going on a long story below, so pls bear with me..

i am currently 3 mths married to my husband (ROM) and we're preparing for our customary wedding in 2012.

a few weeks into our initial dating days, my husband (then bf) told me that he cant forget his ex-gf and wanted us to be friends before proceeding further. he feels that he rather be honest to me than to hide from me and i appreciate that. but i came from a previous r/s where my ex-bf was 2-timing me, even though my current bf is honest, i felt that why is the same sh!t happening again? i was upset over it and drank. yes, i know i was quite emotional. eventually, we got over it when my bf promise his commitment to me. but somehow, i kinda of hate that ex-gf of his.

once, during a heart-to-heart talk, my husband (then bf) confess on why they broke up. that woman was actually married. she went around knowing guys and was in a r/s with my husband for 2 yrs! i was so shocked that he didnt notice anything was wrong. he mentioned that he did almost 1 yr into the r/s and asked the woman if she would divorce her husband? she said she cant as her mother was sick and she do not want to stress her illness.

after this confession, i know that at least im treating my husband better than her. but i cant help but to dislike/hate her. maybe becuz i love my husband, i feel that why is there such a woman? who go around knowing men and cheating them? and maybe becuz previously i got cheated, i felt that it's not justifiable!

i started to do things like creating a fake fb account to add her as friend, talk to her, get her number, etc. i even asked her out and she turned up! but of course, i didnt turn up. i only turn up at the place as my normal self since the person in the fb account is fake. i manage to dig more and got to know her husband's name, her address, her residential phone number, her workplace, etc.

my gf asked me to let go and said that i shouldnt do things to lower myself to her level but i dunno why i cant. i have the mindset of wanting to pull her down! i tried to tell myself that im already married to my husband, i shouldnt fear that he'll be gone. my husband had proved to me that he does love me alot and had spend most of his time with me and my family. but i still have that shadow over me! i still wanna pull her down!

i thought of going to a psycharist so that i dun dwell in this problem. but i dunno how should i start or what should i do. can anyone here help me? i dun want to live in this shadow for my marriage.

 

[cuclainne]

your husband was honest with you, without realising that with that information, you are spiralling into a dark hole. there have been so many previous threads when the TS would lament about knowing this-and-that about their SOs' past - how they are so tormented by the knowledge etc etc etc, yet they are the ones insisting that info be shared. personally i've always believed that if it's better silenced than known, then I'm all for it.

so what if the woman is married? your husband was aware of that fact, yet the relationship lasted for two years. they were both consenting adults. it wasn't just her in the relationship.

and this happened in the past. you are his present and future. don't let something in his past weigh you down.

why do you feel the desire to bring her down? she's not going after your husband now .. she didn't ruin your life or your relationship with your husband .. all these happened before you were in the picture. accept that - we all have our past, our past moulds us into the person that we are today ..

you really should stop with your mind games .. eventually you're just going mental. and what do you think your husband would feel or do if he finds out? would it be worth your trouble then?

 

[infojunkie]

"my gf asked me to let go and said that i shouldnt do things to lower myself to her level"

come on, u r the lowest ok.

what really scares me is that u dun find urself sneaky at all.

it's perfectly ok...

she's a bitch and u're just insecure...

what shameless intruder.

 

[etleen]

culainne,

thanks for your reply.

yes, i agreed that i rather he not tell me anything. i think it's just his character that he doesnt like to hide things from me.

i've been trying to get outta this sh!t since months but i seem to fall back into the same hole again. i dunno how i can make my mind stronger.

 

[etleen]

junkie,

whatever you call me. but seriously, i think i have a problem here. i wish that someone here can help me walk out of the shadow.

i would appreciate if you could do that. =)

 

[infojunkie]

yes, u hv a BIG problem here...

fix it else u r DOOMED!

 

[cuclainne]

if it's in his character to share info with you, then don't let his past consume you! when he talks, just listen with no opinions and prejudices .. from there, help him to move forward to the future - your future together. don't you also move back two spaces when you should be moving forward!

just like junkie said, what you are doing now is sneaky and frankly, borderline psychotic. i would be worried if any of my previous exes' current girlfriends or wives would come after me like you did to your husband's ex.

aren't you concerned at how this will make you look if your husband finds out?

seek help if you need to .. before it's too late.

 

[serene_yam]

I think it's better u go and see a counsellor or a psychiatrist (if u deem it too serious and affecting ur life). Most of us here in forum are just layman, and though we might be able to give u some sound advice, would u really take it per se, or from a professional?

It's not that ex for u to go to maybe places like FSC or Fei Yue. They have the experts there who are well-trained. Give yourself a life, stop hanging on to a past which you didn't even belong to in the first place.

All the best.

 

[etleen]

cuclainne: seriously, i never thought of what would happen if my husband found out.

i guess, i shall stop doing all those "psychotic" stuff and to delete all accounts and throw away all data i've kept.

to be honest, i've tried to get out of it once for almost like 1 - 2 mths. but somehow, fall back again. really wish to have that kind of mentality to be firm and strong again.

do you guys think it'll help if i speak to my husband?

 

[cuclainne]

focus on the now .. focus on the relationship between you and your husband - work on that.

you will find that more fulfilling than doing detective work on a person whom you shouldn't be concerning yourself with in the first place.

 

[cuclainne]

personally, NO!

 

[infojunkie]

1st and foremost, work on ur character.

stop being so self-centered... as if the world revolves ard u.

 

[etleen]

cuclainne: thank so much for your advices. i really didnt think of what would happen if my husband finds out.

it really didnt occur to me and wakes me up from all my actions. i guess, i still need time to get outta it. i believe time will heal all wounds...

 

[powder]

u're doing this on Stalker level liao...

how abt looking it as your husband having adultery with a married woman?

it's funny how after so many decades... we guys can still get u girls to hate the other girl instead of hate us for betraying u, your trust, and going along to satisfy our small head.

seriously... women are just abt the easiest creatures to manipulate and it's even easier to guide u guys to hate someone else, blame someone else...

totally non-objective and emotional...

wake up before someone really gets hurt.. stop trying to bring the past Forward to hurt yourselves.

u're not even living a life at all. pple like u should never get married or into relationships... i dun know what the hell u've learnt in school and life, but there's no such thing as Possessions... especially not with humans and relationships... even children or parents can be disowned.

stop this.

 

[etleen]

powder: how dun get wat you meant by "how abt looking it as your husband having adultery with a married woman?"

means he commits adultry?
he doesnt even know she's married in the first place.

 

[powder]

it doesn't matter Now, does it? he knows now... pls live in the presence... and by the way u ask me, u're still pursuing this matter...

Why? the past is the past...

u wanna know my history? of cos it won't come out becos it doesn't matter... leave it behind... time is still ticking, treasure your time and your life on earth... dun seek things which no longer apply and has past...

treasure your life...

 

[ajumma]

Initially when I read your post, I thought you were talking about an ex that he is still in touch with. Then it dawned on me with shock that you're actually obsessing about something that happened a long time ago, during your initial dating days.

Although having once been "rejected" before by your hb can be a bitter pill to swallow, but all those times after he committed to you ought to have been more than enough to make up for his indecision at first.

Are you really such a petty woman? What would happen if your husband found out that you've been doing all these things behind his back? You already married him and the woman has also let go of him long ago. What more do you want? You're not Justice Bao reincarnated on earth to right all the wrongs. She will get her just desserts for cheating men. You don't need to pull her down.

Please delete your fake FB account and get a life. If your own life is unhappy, do something to make it better. Don't focus on someone or something that has passed.

 

[miloice]

it is good that you are honest with your issues and willing to work on it. Do make an appointment with a shrink if needed. The charges is nothing compared to your happiness, marriage, emotional and mental well being. Do it. Make that appointment and seek professional advise on how to cope with your issues.

 

[mewmoon]

Maybe you have too much time on your hands. Take up a new hobby or start projects that interest you. When you have other matters on your mind, you won't obsess over it as much

 

[the_giving_tree]

Yes, I think you should seek professional help. Make an appointment soon with a counsellor.

 

[etleen]

thanks everyone for your help.

i dunno if i should try to overcome this issue first? if i could, then i dun need to go to a shrink?

 

[xylon]

etleen, go see a psychiatrist, u'll benefit from it.

 

[etleen]

do you guys have any recommendations on which psycharist to go?

 

[sgbabydoll]

"after this confession, i know that at least im treating my husband better than her."

No, you are no better than her. In fact, you are not even the lesser evil.

Are you consumed by jealousy, possessiveness or a huge sense of insecurity? Or were you born evil? You gotta find out for yourself.

 

[renerene]

et.leen,

"i dunno if i should try to overcome this issue first?"

Why not?

Simply delete all those fake accounts and ALL information about that woman from your database. Then stop thinking about her. When you think of pulling her down, you are actually destroying yourself and ruining your happiness.

Whenever you feel the itch to spy on her or think of doing silly things again... Take out $10 from your wallet. Hold it in your hand and tell yourself, "I let go of the past, treasure the present and look forward to the future." then put the $10 inside an envelope.

At the end of the month, give that envelope to charity.

 

[ajumma]

If you have misgivings about seeing a doctor, then follow irene's advice.

 

[infojunkie]

why do this? the woman did u no wrong, no?

in ur warped little mind, everything is linked to u...

SCARY!

u hv to see a shrink rite away.

 

[etleen]

@doll: "after this confession, i know that at least im treating my husband better than her." - i meant not cheating on him. why? cuz i felt that initially she was the one who occupies the heart of my then bf. then after, as our r/s progress and this issue was brought up again, i felt that she did my bf and many other men.

@irene: i've threw all info down the chute and deactivated and delete all accounts yday. i'll heed your advice and see how it goes.

@junkie: i dun think your advice is even helping me. pls do not give unconstructive advice.

 

[infojunkie]

the ugly truth is too hard to swallow huh?

whatever

 

[sgbabydoll]

et.leen, so you wanna teach her a lesson now? You think you are bringing justice to "unhelpless" men?!

OK, first things first, are you aware that your obsession about her is very unhealthy and dangerous? I have a feeling that you don't know where has gone wrong in the whole equation.

 

[miloice]

et.leen, its just another more direct advise. The message is pretty much the same as most others actually. You need to seek help and put a stop to the monster you are growing inside you. Don't protect and grow it further. You are messing with no one else but your own life and marriage. Does that matter to you enough to protect? Than that monster in you?

You need a wake up call. I think Junkie just push that bitter pill to you. Face your issues not excuse them. Just because its bitter doesn't mean it isn't constructive and good for you. You asked for advises, you get them. Its still your call. No one else. What is important to you? Your unhealthy cravings to investigate, spy and need to hurt your spouse ex? Is that really important to your life?

 

[etleen]

@doll: i cant anyway. i juz want to help myself now. not anyone else. i want to maintain my marriage and not leave in this shadow anymore.

@junkie: the ugly truth is you cant provide any constructive advice. SWALLOW IT!

 

[infojunkie]

now, that's ugly...

very ugly...

 

[miloice]

et.leen, don't let your emotions run over you. What's important isn't fighting everyone here. You recognized your issues from the very beginning no? Its dead serious. So, why are you defending the need to remain as such?

Don't get into an emotional roller coaster. Just a simple hash reply and u r already flying high. Think abt that? What are your priorities right now?

Do you see the contradictions here... On one hand you acknowledge on how it is affecting you and how you want to get better but at the same time, you strongly defend your behavior. Everyone screw up in life at times. Face it. Admit and move on. There is nothing so unconstructive with others pointing out how screw up u have been. Look ahead, that hasn't been written yet.

 

[sgbabydoll]

STOP helping your marriage because you are definitely over-doing in preventing your marriage from falling apart. You are too afraid that you will lose your husband, but sometimes in trying to protect your marriage you are destroying it instead.

Start helping yourself please.

 

[cococherry]

et.leen (etleen)

Learn to let go of the past and forgive her for what she had done to your husband.

Concentrate on your relationship, your life and not hers anymore.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Forgiving her for what she had done to TS's husband? But he is no longer hurting over his past with the lady!

 

[etleen]

okie, seriously, i dun wanna fight anyone here. i thought this might be a place that i can seek help from (looking at how others get replies from here) before i can seek professional help.
i had identity the issue hence, the post.

@milo: you are right. i am an emotional person which resulted in my actions.
@junkie, i apologise for being too emotional. pls accept my apologies.

i hope everyone here understand that i dont wanna live in this shadow anymore and WANT to get out of it. i want to do sth about hence, my post. maybe that junkie meant well but i took it too hard. from my point of view, i just feel that junkie couldnt understand it's norm that everyone has sh!tty times.

i was thinking to do the following:
1) to focus on preparing for my AD instead
2) to delete all info on that woman and fb account (which i already did).
3) practice sth like wat irene suggested.
4) should i fail to do the above, i hope it's not too late to see a psycharist

 

[powder]

it's scary when u have past a point in your life... and the pple along the way who feel aggrieved (despite not having the right to), try to chase u down and 没完没了 with u... it's seriously irritating.

and it doesn't stop there... they hunt u down and try to hurt u, thinking that it is justified in some warped manner of justice... Totally forgetting that they themselves are inflicting pain despite never being the target.

this is like a rampage, a campaign against a person who has never directly meant to hurt u... but somehow u have embraced it to be a personal direct attack...

i personally can't stand pple who always think pple are always attacking them.

good luck with the recovery, as long as it doesn't end in stabbings... i think u're doing ok.

last thing, u are in NO POSITION to be the forgiver of anything, like chocolatte suggests... that's crap. i dun understand why anyone would even think she is in that position... that's crap advice.

 

[nichie]

Hello etleen

I am not sure how long you have been stalking her and as a male or female character, however, just curious, have you find out why is she behaving like that? I believe there is a reason for every problem and have your hatred for her increased or reduced during this period of being a ‘friend’ of her and understanding her situation? Sometime, unknowing to you, you continue stalking her not because for what she had done to your hubby but the thrill of getting her secret and making her follow/attached/affection for/to you with a fake identity that you are unable to pull yourself out of the black hole. It must feel good for you when she turn up upon your request. Yes, it can be addictive but I am glad you start to do something to correct it.

 

[xylon]

Hi etleen,

You could try the following:

Dr C.B. Khare from National University Hospital

Dr Chan Herng Nieng from Singapore General Hospital

Dr Chan, Pamela from The Psychotherapy Clinic for Adults and Children [email protected]

 

[awakened]

"i have the mindset of wanting to pull her down! i tried to tell myself that im already married to my husband, i shouldnt fear that he'll be gone."

Excessive Jealousy can result in a man leaving, not necessarily some other woman, past, present or future. And this is what has caused your probing actions on the other woman, who is a character of the past. How will you feel if you find out your HB is hunting your exboyfriends down? That's scary, at least to me.

Focus on the present and stop before the jealousy eats you up.

 

[tragic_comedy]

Maybe you should try counselling at your nearest family service centre instead of seeing a psychiatrist. I've done irrational things in the past too, due to my excessive jealousy and insecurity. Counselling really helped me alot. Don't be affected by how others judge you..right now you recognise you have a problem so try to solve it and be better.

Good luck!

 

[xylon]

Yes u can check out fei yue as well http://www.fycs.org/

One more recommendation, from my psychologist (non clinician) friend:

DR Lee Cheng (institute of Mental Health)
Tel: +65 63892000 / Email: [email protected]