Can I still salvage my marriage?

Hi all,

recently wife sat me down and say want to divorce.

Some background. we married for 5.5 yrs. I mid 30s, she early 30s. have a kid, 1.5 yr old. kid is with infant care. and we spend weekday night with kid together, put her to sleep. then chit chat a little.

wife is working, quite busy recently. I am working also. our life machiam typical married couple. weekdays night spent at home. weekend go out eat, bring kid to park, swimming pool, in laws place. a little stale, ordinary, but not too bad also as we still go out have meals, sometimes watch movie together wo kid. we don quarrel often. only big fights like 4 or 5 times so far.

she say got few reasons. firstly she say I nv agree on anything she wants to do. things like bringing kid overseas with friend for a trip, having some small tattoo. she did ask, but being the conservative and rather traditional guy I am, i said no with safety reasons, or scared she regret. she say i said no without even listening to how much she yearns for these. seems i am too stubborn and close-minded. over time, she just stop asking liao. anyway she went ahead and got 3 small tats. i didnt say much, or chided her.

Then she say that we nv agree on anything. we seldom talk, share emotions, and only talk about practical, functional stuff about kids. I realise recent mths we talk less and less. except the surface functional stuff.

she dislikes me keep telling her what to do. daily small things which I try to show care and concern, eg. eh remember to eat on time; not well dun stay up too late; remember to apply some lotion etc. i guess my love language is not right to her. she thinks why i keep telling her what to do? she is not kid anymore.

lastly she is not in love w me anymore. she is not happy in a loveless marriage. and she cant stay on. wants out. she is ready to be a single mom. she says she has been thinking about it for one year, then finally said it out.

this conversation was rather high in emotion. I was affected. we shouted a bit here and there. since then she slept in different room.

then few days later, when both more calm, we talked again. this time she share about maintenance, custody, splitting of assets after her chat with lawyer. even though no official docs or actions taken yet. She laid down some terms sounded reasonable.. I was confused. I didnt want to fight, and thought shd be calm, and listen. so i sat there, listen, didnt agree nor disagree.

And since that conversation few days ago, things were in limbo. nothing mentioned anymore. nv fight liao. things seem normal at home. less negative vibes.

I did some deep soul searching. realise where my mistakes were, and me neglecting this relationship and nv put in effort to maintain, and make her feel loved and appreciated. I am willing to change my behaviour, for good. I want to show her that things not as bad, and there are other options. If i could remove the problems that arise from me, and show her life can be better, then there is no need to divorce.

I love my wife deeply, and do not want to divorce. But i am also confused, and worried. Afraid that she may move on to initiate legal matters, then i will receive lawyer letter one day. Or she ask me to move out.

I will try my best to change my behaviour, for good. I need to bring back the man she once loved last time. But I am also afraid its too late, too little. the fact that she can share the divorce matters so calmly really scares me.

I am also torn between my guilt of neglecting her feeling and not making her feel loved, and my logical brain of thinking this is totally unfair. I mean, marriage is a two person affairs. its unfair for wife to drop the nuclear bomb like that, without even trying to explore some possibilities. Just few mths ago I was still warning her that she has to voice out, or else i wont know. bottling it all up will cause her to explode, and we may end. but there wasnt much action till the day she told me.

I feel deep remorse, frustration, and stupid. Its as if i can see the train approaching from a distance, tried to move away, but I cant and now i got hit and force to face consequences of exact things i warned about.

Of course. its also not totally her fault. communications is both way. and our communications break down. She didnt say. I was too insensitive to notice.

as confused and mentally deflated as I am, I need to be the bigger man and put in effort to make things work. I know where the problems are. I listed down all her pain points, acknowledge them, came up with action plans to address those issues. the objectives of change is to show my appreciation of her actions/words, display sensitiveness to her feeling, deliberately create time for us or her (if she not willing to spend with me). and be more positive, affirmative, inject more laughter into our life. Make her feel loved, in her love language, again.

And with this actions, i hope to find a good time to talk to her calmly. share my suggestions, and appeal for fair treatment, and a final shot at trying to work out. i will make it clear, she, our marriage, is worth fighting for. I am not fighting to win, but fight for a possibility for both of us to start afresh. If by the end of timeline, maybe 4 mths, half yr, still dont work, i will happily let her go. and wish her all the best. This is my promise to her.

Are there any kind bros/sis who can share
-any case of husband/wife managed to turn things around even after one party insisted to divorce?
-what else can I do to salvage the situation?
-what is she really thinking?
-how can i make her realise there are a lot of memories and love worth cherishing and divorce hurts everybody?

lastly, to clarify, there is no third party, domestic abuse, alcoholism, or financial difficulties. I am an ordinary guy who truly loves my wife.
 


Didn't you already post the same topic in EDMW? There's already a number of serious replies there. If you still do not accept the fact, posting here would be equally pointless.
 

Mr. J

New Member
Hi There,

I am a guy and in my case, I am the one considering the divorce. Just wanna share some experiences. For me, I feel that there is fundamental mismatch between me and my wife: economic background (I am from middle upper class, she is from low class), cultural background (we are from different countries), sex appetite (I am very sexual and open minded, she is very boring), habit (I am tidy and clean, she is very messy) etc.. How did we get married then? It was because she promised that she would follow my way back then. It turned out that she couldn’t fulfil her words. You may put up a mask when you date, but once you get married, over the years, this mask will go down to show who you really are. In your case, if you and your wife are fundamentally not compatible, it will take great effort to maintain your marriage. I have a male friend who deeply regrets marrying his wife stating fundamental mismatch. However, as he is a religious Christian, he takes it as his life task...

As you seem to be the one who is willing to put great effort, you may wanna try to follow your wife’s way of life...



Hi all,

recently wife sat me down and say want to divorce.

Some background. we married for 5.5 yrs. I mid 30s, she early 30s. have a kid, 1.5 yr old. kid is with infant care. and we spend weekday night with kid together, put her to sleep. then chit chat a little.

wife is working, quite busy recently. I am working also. our life machiam typical married couple. weekdays night spent at home. weekend go out eat, bring kid to park, swimming pool, in laws place. a little stale, ordinary, but not too bad also as we still go out have meals, sometimes watch movie together wo kid. we don quarrel often. only big fights like 4 or 5 times so far.

she say got few reasons. firstly she say I nv agree on anything she wants to do. things like bringing kid overseas with friend for a trip, having some small tattoo. she did ask, but being the conservative and rather traditional guy I am, i said no with safety reasons, or scared she regret. she say i said no without even listening to how much she yearns for these. seems i am too stubborn and close-minded. over time, she just stop asking liao. anyway she went ahead and got 3 small tats. i didnt say much, or chided her.

Then she say that we nv agree on anything. we seldom talk, share emotions, and only talk about practical, functional stuff about kids. I realise recent mths we talk less and less. except the surface functional stuff.

she dislikes me keep telling her what to do. daily small things which I try to show care and concern, eg. eh remember to eat on time; not well dun stay up too late; remember to apply some lotion etc. i guess my love language is not right to her. she thinks why i keep telling her what to do? she is not kid anymore.

lastly she is not in love w me anymore. she is not happy in a loveless marriage. and she cant stay on. wants out. she is ready to be a single mom. she says she has been thinking about it for one year, then finally said it out.

this conversation was rather high in emotion. I was affected. we shouted a bit here and there. since then she slept in different room.

then few days later, when both more calm, we talked again. this time she share about maintenance, custody, splitting of assets after her chat with lawyer. even though no official docs or actions taken yet. She laid down some terms sounded reasonable.. I was confused. I didnt want to fight, and thought shd be calm, and listen. so i sat there, listen, didnt agree nor disagree.

And since that conversation few days ago, things were in limbo. nothing mentioned anymore. nv fight liao. things seem normal at home. less negative vibes.

I did some deep soul searching. realise where my mistakes were, and me neglecting this relationship and nv put in effort to maintain, and make her feel loved and appreciated. I am willing to change my behaviour, for good. I want to show her that things not as bad, and there are other options. If i could remove the problems that arise from me, and show her life can be better, then there is no need to divorce.

I love my wife deeply, and do not want to divorce. But i am also confused, and worried. Afraid that she may move on to initiate legal matters, then i will receive lawyer letter one day. Or she ask me to move out.

I will try my best to change my behaviour, for good. I need to bring back the man she once loved last time. But I am also afraid its too late, too little. the fact that she can share the divorce matters so calmly really scares me.

I am also torn between my guilt of neglecting her feeling and not making her feel loved, and my logical brain of thinking this is totally unfair. I mean, marriage is a two person affairs. its unfair for wife to drop the nuclear bomb like that, without even trying to explore some possibilities. Just few mths ago I was still warning her that she has to voice out, or else i wont know. bottling it all up will cause her to explode, and we may end. but there wasnt much action till the day she told me.

I feel deep remorse, frustration, and stupid. Its as if i can see the train approaching from a distance, tried to move away, but I cant and now i got hit and force to face consequences of exact things i warned about.

Of course. its also not totally her fault. communications is both way. and our communications break down. She didnt say. I was too insensitive to notice.

as confused and mentally deflated as I am, I need to be the bigger man and put in effort to make things work. I know where the problems are. I listed down all her pain points, acknowledge them, came up with action plans to address those issues. the objectives of change is to show my appreciation of her actions/words, display sensitiveness to her feeling, deliberately create time for us or her (if she not willing to spend with me). and be more positive, affirmative, inject more laughter into our life. Make her feel loved, in her love language, again.

And with this actions, i hope to find a good time to talk to her calmly. share my suggestions, and appeal for fair treatment, and a final shot at trying to work out. i will make it clear, she, our marriage, is worth fighting for. I am not fighting to win, but fight for a possibility for both of us to start afresh. If by the end of timeline, maybe 4 mths, half yr, still dont work, i will happily let her go. and wish her all the best. This is my promise to her.

Are there any kind bros/sis who can share
-any case of husband/wife managed to turn things around even after one party insisted to divorce?
-what else can I do to salvage the situation?
-what is she really thinking?
-how can i make her realise there are a lot of memories and love worth cherishing and divorce hurts everybody?

lastly, to clarify, there is no third party, domestic abuse, alcoholism, or financial difficulties. I am an ordinary guy who truly loves my wife.
 

maritalbliss

New Member
Hi There,

I am a guy and in my case, I am the one considering the divorce. Just wanna share some experiences. For me, I feel that there is fundamental mismatch between me and my wife: economic background (I am from middle upper class, she is from low class), cultural background (we are from different countries), sex appetite (I am very sexual and open minded, she is very boring), habit (I am tidy and clean, she is very messy) etc.. How did we get married then? It was because she promised that she would follow my way back then. It turned out that she couldn’t fulfil her words. You may put up a mask when you date, but once you get married, over the years, this mask will go down to show who you really are. In your case, if you and your wife are fundamentally not compatible, it will take great effort to maintain your marriage. I have a male friend who deeply regrets marrying his wife stating fundamental mismatch. However, as he is a religious Christian, he takes it as his life task...

As you seem to be the one who is willing to put great effort, you may wanna try to follow your wife’s way of life...

There's a significant difference between seeking & reaching a compromise, versus 'force-fitting'.

The latter is usually a guarantee for disaster.
 
@
There's a significant difference between seeking & reaching a compromise, versus 'force-fitting'.

The latter is usually a guarantee for disaster.

true. force -fitting two fundamentally opposite end person to live together is a disaster. for example, one that has yet to settle down and live the high life and go clubbing often, and one that yearns for stable married life and focus on looking at the kid. these seldom work out.

but compromising, its much grey area. most couples will have differences. And so long as these are not fundamental difference in values, lifestyle, a certain level of compromise needs to exist btwn both parties. and both parties need do it willingly, give and take.

me and her, not fundamentally different. but daily habits sure have much difference.
 

Jezebel

New Member
Whatever the mismatch. Regardless of your partner failing to change as promised or expected. The bad decision making is actually both ways.

Compromising with your partner is not an option after marriage. It is an everyday reality. Get to know your partner. Do things that only the two of you can talk about. Make life interesting. And mmm... you have a kid. Strangely both of you seem to have no consideration of the kid's future.
 

maritalbliss

New Member
@


true. force -fitting two fundamentally opposite end person to live together is a disaster. for example, one that has yet to settle down and live the high life and go clubbing often, and one that yearns for stable married life and focus on looking at the kid. these seldom work out.

but compromising, its much grey area. most couples will have differences. And so long as these are not fundamental difference in values, lifestyle, a certain level of compromise needs to exist btwn both parties. and both parties need do it willingly, give and take.

me and her, not fundamentally different. but daily habits sure have much difference.

"long as these are not fundamental difference in values, lifestyle, a certain level of compromise needs to exist btwn both parties. and both parties need do it willingly, give and take." - how's your situation that warrants you starting threads here and in EDMW?

U will know the true state of your relationship with her.
 

arnoldchen

New Member
i have lotsa differences with wife too. different thinking and diff work competencies. sometimes i wonder if its my own problem or its a common problems for many.

do we work out the differences or move on with life alone? honestly i dun think anyone knows the answer
 

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