Broken marriages - who has a greater responsibility?

lynnnn

New Member
I've been reading this forum for a while but I have never posted here. I've always thought that all these things about being the third party will never happen to me but I was so so so wrong. Before all of you start blasting at me, perhaps hear me out first. Anyway, I'm here to share, not really to seek advice. I think I know what I should be doing somehow.

To start off, I never liked people who break up others' families and will never be one. A year ago, through a casual friend, I got to know this man called A. A was everything you can ask for and needless to say, I started out a relationship with him. It was all sweet and wonderful until I got to know he's actually married for 4 years about half a year into our relationship. He blurted everything out when I kept asking him why he hadn't brought me home before or asked me to join him in family outings or for drinks with his colleagues. Since then I was resolved to end the relationship and leave him for good but each time I initiated a break up, he would keep contacting me. I gave in most of the time simply because I still have feelings for him. Infact I feel so cheated and kept asking myself what kind of shit I've gotten into by being the third party. It's been a year and now we've sort of parted. I said 'sort of' because he is still contacting me now and then. We still talk on the phone or sms but I told myself never to meet him.

This incident made me wonder if people have many misconceptions about third parties? In this case, I feel myself more of a victim than third party you know. Of course, I asked for it later on when I found it hard to leave him but trust me, I've tried really really hard and I'm still trying very hard now.

Recently, I confided in a male colleague who is quite a good friend of mine who would often listen to my relatinship problems. This colleague of mine is married himself. In the past, he would simply lend a listening ear and provide some advice sincerely. The moment he knew that I was seeing some married man, I was utterly shocked to hear his responses. One evening while sending me home, he confided in me and told me about his own marital woes and that he's been seeing some girls behind his wife's back and that this is very normal. The next thing he said still sent chills down my spine till today. He said, "You can use me. Use me to forget him. I'll be very nice to you."

My heart kind of sank after I heard that. I wonder what is this world coming to? Why is infidelity becoming more and more common? Is it really the third party's problem or are there more issues with married couples nowadays?

Any views from anyone? I feel very depressed these few days not because I couldn't be with guy A or what but I just lost faith in relationships - how longlasting can a marriage be? Will I become a victim in my own marriage in future?
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sundownprince

New Member
so sad to hear. i appaulade your courage and morality to break off. it must have broken your heart in doing so.

but yah... after i heard of many occasions where men with apparently happy marriages have affairs my faith in marriage and relationships was shaken.

i guess people are more open?
 

tomasulu

Member
Haha gotta give it to the guy. "you can use me." can almost imagine him slowly unbuttoning his shirt with tears flowing copiously down his cheeks. Haha.
 

lynnnn

New Member
Hi, yes. It can be rather amusing but it was really a daunting experience for me. I literally did not know what to do or say when he said that. I just brushed it off that he's a great joker. These days at work, he would sometimes ask about how are things between me and guy A and keep reminding me that I need someone to help me forget about this Guy A. It's getting irritating because to me, I don't think it's right to find a man to help me tide over this period of time. And even if I were to find a man, it will never be him, someone who's married.
 

tomasulu

Member
lynn, guys will say anything to get into your pants. he wasn't the first and won't be the last... and i suspect he is not done trying his luck with ya. you wanna be careful with whom you share your problems with. what if he tells your fellow coworkers you're seeing a married man?
 

sundownprince

New Member
haha. he's trying to teach u irony... but yah there are many guys who prey on vulnerable girls who share their problems with them. so do becareful!
 

lynnnn

New Member
Yes, I am really afraid now. I regretted telling him but I've known him for three years already and we've been confiding in each other like friends so I didn't expect things to turn out this way. Infact when I shared with him my problem the first time, I was still afraid he would look down on me and lecture me or give me a piece of his mind but really didn't expect things to turn out this way.
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I'm trying to avoid him as much as possible now.
 

lynnnn

New Member
u mean my colleague or guy A?

my colleague is much older..I think about 8 yrs older..guy A is only 4 years older
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Lynn, my wife is now be harrassed by such a guy in her office too. Really very common actually. What's important you for you to keep your eyes wide open. I suppose you are attractive and young. Naturally, other people would be attracted to you.

That friend of yours is clearly a wolf in sheep's clothing. I have never step over the line. Even if my emotions for a friend has gone beyond platonic. The alerts can only be enforced by the individuals themselves.
 

lynnnn

New Member
Milo, I think it is still alright for your wife to tell him off. I'm only afraid that if I tell him off, he might spread news of me having dated a married man. That will ruin my career or some sort. So far he has not 'threatened' anything yet but he's becoming more and more like a pest, always reminding me that such affairs are very common and that ironically I should be with him to forget about the married man I dated?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
its his words against yours. Why would you be threaten by him unless he has no reputation at stake in the very first place. Else, his action will ruin his own reputation as well.
 

lynnnn

New Member
It's true but I can't possibly tell everyone that yes, i was seeing a married man but this married man is worse and is using that fact to threaten me. I think I want my pride and wouldn't like the whole office to know.
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miloice

Well-Known Member
There is nothing you can do to stop him. If he indeed spread rumours about you. Get evidence of it against him. No point worrying over things beyond your control at all.
 

lynnnn

New Member
I think you are right. I should not worry so much, especially when things haven't happened yet. I better get some sleep than to worry over it. Thanks for your advice so far!
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Lynn, we don't have our martial status labeled on our foreheads. If the man had the intention to hide, there is no way you could have find out initially. There is really nothing shameful. So what you have dated this married man. You could have just denial it and indicate that you guys were merely friends. Who could really verify exactly what level of relationship were you guys in previously. No one.

Such rumors hold very little credibility on its on. Unless you re-enforce it with your reactions. Best is not to react to it at all. And when asked, treat is as nothing more than a surprise question.

Matters of the heart is difficult to draw the line in the 1st place. Getting married doesn't make the relationship secure in anyway actually. The security comes from the quality of the relationship and the integrity of the individuals involved.

For my harassment my wife is getting from the married man. He approached her for drinks and then lunch. Now, trying hard to date her and volunteering his mobile number and going direct to ask her out every few days. Nothing to worry about as long as she doesn't react to him. Likewise, she doesn't want to burn the bridges with a colleague as their team needs the approval by his side for the transactions. She has put me on standby, to come down and meet her in event that she ran out of excuse to decline him.

This kind of things are really very common. Don't let it affect you this much. You will get better in handling it when you gained some experience in dealing with situations like this.

Normally, its more for the guys that are really bad in declining. Gals normally get experienced in rejecting guys.
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Not every guy is a player and most of us are not so used to be wooed. It can be really humoring and nice on our ego. Especially if that gal is a hot and popular babe. One can literally feel afloat.
 

lynnnn

New Member
Milo, I felt guilty when I knew it like half a year into the relationship that he's married. Then I wanted to let go but kept giving in in the end and the relationship lasted about a year in all before I really want to call it quits a month ago. Perhaps I felt more guilty that I actually allowed myself to be in the relationship even after I knew about his marital status.

Your communication with your wife is really ideal because she trusts you with the information about this guy going after her at work and you showed her that you can be trusted by providing her care and concern and support.

Actually till today, A will still contact me now and then. I'm trying hard not to give in to temptations again even though I have to admit that I still have feelings for him. If not for his marital status, he's really everything I hope for in a man. He has brought up the possibility of divorce with his wife but I did not even contemplate about it because I do not want to be labelled as a third party - something which I really frown upon myself.

That is probably why I started this thread because I read many 'haters' here who expressed their unhappiness towards the third party. In situations like mine, I often feel I was the victim though I'm also the villian by allowing things to drag on for another half a year living in fear hoping that his wife will never find out. Sigh.
 

simpleman

Active Member
lynn,

You can change your contact number if you really want to cut off contact with him. And also your email, MSN, everything..

And with time, everything will be fine again.

But I know sometimes people are itchy backside. Still want to know if we mean something to other people. Or give excuses like too troublesome to change numbers.
 

lynnnn

New Member
hi sm,

I thought of changing my contact number and everything but he has talked about looking me up before and I am afraid he'll really come and find me at my residence or worse, work place if I suddenly cut off contact. My only hope is that with time, he will slowly cut off contact.

I am not one with itchy backside. As mentioned, I didn't ask to be with a married man. When I knew it, I just could not control myself and put an end to it immediately and therefore it took some time. Now just hope for the best, as in he will stop one day.

No offence but I do not think changing number will help or that it is a mature thing to do.
 

vios

New Member
lynn,

i also had a laugh-out-loud over that colleague's attempt to bed you... super hilarious.

okay lah. don't have to worry abt guy A or guy B or some freaking indecent proposal. based on your posts, i actually find you admirable as you know what you really want. at this moment, it's norm to entertain talks with guy A - there's some chance he'll be on the ignore list after some time.

and it's quite silly to feel guilty over a discovery that is meant to be hidden in the first place. so pls scrap that?
 

matka

Member
Hi Lynn, I'm sorry that you had to go through such heartache. The fact that A omitted the fact that he was married and continued to 'woo' you says a lot about his character - unreliable. By dragging you into a relationship and into a mess which affected your conscience and wellbeing, I feel was really irresponsible of him.

If perhaps you do not wish to change your phone number, you could just sound bored with him over the phone. Just keep your calls cordial and short and say you're meeting someone and have to go. You need to move on with your life. Can you imagine a life being of more complications if his wife ever found out about you?

The adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" isn't really true.

As for your colleague, his attempts are really laughable. Well, yes... irritating, I agree - trying to take advantage of your 'vulnerability'. He obviously doesn't respect you enough to know that you're smarter than he thinks you are.

You have nothing to fear... I agree with Milo. He has no credibility at all. Stay strong
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lynnnn

New Member
matka,

thank you for your advice. Indeed, I was really afraid of further complications if his wife got to know about it. I even imagined the worst scenario of what will happen if my family and colleagues know about it.

Yes, my colleague is really a bothersome. At times he would irritate me and say things like "I think you will go back to him in no time..that is for sure", as if to spite me. Maybe it is time I look for another job.
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miloice

Well-Known Member
Lynn... your colleague is a player. HE is trying to play with your mind here. Ignore him.

As for this married guy. There is no right or wrong. We continue to fall in love regardless of marital status and commitments. But, life is more than just emotions. So is marriage. Being a 3rd party comes with its consequences. And you are clear headed enough to understand them. Nothing in life is perfect, you can only make the best out of your decisions.

You figure that out for yourself and stick by that decision. No point flip flop like rotti prata. Most people have been stuck in some difficult relationships before. For sure, its easy to advise than execute. Its all part and parcel of life. Before we could get over it, it seems a mountain too high to climb. And when u are over it, as you look back. You will realize how high and far you have walked. Its just another challenge you go through. And you become stronger and more confident to make your future plans and decisions no matter how challenging they are.
 

simpleman

Active Member
lynn,

Actually you don't have to worry too much about people knowing...

And what is the point of worrying right? You can't change anything.

As for changing nos. do it if it is bothering or affecting you. He is a married man and he won't be so stupid to blow it up.

However, if you are strong and determined and unaffected by his calls/SMS, then it is not necessary to change numbers.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
Lynn,

During that initial 6 months of dating, I would agree that you are a victim. But now that you are aware of his marital status and still deemed yourself to be his gf, you are a part-taker so please stop calling yourself a victim. You are as much a willing party as he is, except that you do not meet him anymore. But then again, since you refused to meet up with him anymore, why would you say that you are still in a r/s with him leh?? Why wait for him to stop calling when your life is in your own hands??

Now that you know that he's married, he is no longer the man that is everything you want in a partner. However, despite this fact, you are not avoiding him (just avoiding meeting him) and are still "attached" to him, so you should be aware and be prepared for anyone to comment. You dun want anyone to gossip about you, yet you do not want to "leave" him... Contradicting, aren't you??? Fact is you can't stop people from talking since it's their mouth..

Changing number or not has nothing to do with maturity level. It's a matter of how much you want to get out of the situation. If it's a pervert who call you instead, would you then think that it is immature to change number?

I also think that you are thinking too much... be it that your friend will tell your colleagues that you are seeing a married man... or that your bf will come and look for you at your house so that your family will know about it... Did your colleague really threatened you? Do you really think that your bf have the cheek to show up at your house to announce to them that he's married and you are seeing him?? Would you really think it'll happen in real life or is it just in your dramatic mind??

I would think that your colleague would keep mum if you tell him that you are not interested in him. If he does tell, wouldn't he be concern that his affairs would also be made known by you for revenge? And if your bf were to appear, wouldn't he be making known his marital status as well and what would your family make of it and how would they regard him then?

I have nothing against you but I think you are trying to victimise yourself to justify your actions. It is not wrong to fall in love, but self-control have to be practised at all time.
 

powder

Active Member
well lynn, to me the 3rd party has the hardest time cos they cannot openly show affection, they know the future isn't exactly the type u tell pple nor shout to the world abt... but socie is such that pple are quick to jump and start a witch-hunt.

when 3rd parties are badly abused, i often wonder if it shows that the affected spouse treats the husband/wife like one, or are they just defending what they think they own. i dun believe in ownership even in marriage, but some pple do think they own a persona dnthey try to control n protect their'belonging'. nothing wrong, but i dun think it's anything rite either.

some ple marry early, and then they meet their perfect one... dun realy care wat pe think, love is love and if possessing a person is not required, u'll be alot happier than the person who needs to possess.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
In regard to your question about who is responsible in a broken marriage, and in your case, where a 3rd party is involved, I would say none and all. It's all dependent of which perspective you are coming from.

Is there a need to know?
 

lovingyou

New Member
Lynn: It is normal for one to fall in love, jus that your circumstances is different from the rest.

Being 3rd party is not a good feeling, especially, being women, we can empathise on how his wife might feel upon knowing the hurtful truth.

Since you have made up your mind, be firm and strong with your belief. There is no point in looking back anymore. This applies for your colleague, don't fear by his threats. You want your pride, I suppose your colleague want his face too isn't it? Will he be so silly to give up on his career if you too blurt out the truth that he did try to go after you as well?

Don't be too affected by what others think and see of you. Your conscience is clear ya; you do not know that you are dating a married man and you stop upon knowing the truth... There are bound to be rumors, gossips in workplace, why make ourselves unhappier with those silly rumors that you know it is not the entire truth?
 

lynnnn

New Member
hi breakingfree,

not sure if you understood my situation and story. No, I'm not with him anymore. I was wrong to continue with the relationship for another half a year but since a month ago, I haven't met him already except for the phone calls or smes he made to me. On my part, I am trying my best to avoid already.

Actually I was not trying to justify my actions. I didn't think what I did was right to being with. And it is also true that I let the whole thing drag on for a while after I realised he's married. The feeling of guilt always haunts me even till today. I just feel that in a broken marriage, it is not always about the third party. From my perspective, I really started out as a victim since I did not know he was married.
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Thank you littlewoman. You are right that I should make myself happier but seriously, if anyone is to know about this thing, I don't think I have the face to stay on in my job place and what my colleague has been saying lately to irk me may just make this happen.
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lynnnn

New Member
Breakingfree,

you are right about the need to exercise self-control. I tried which is why we are parted now but when I first knew about it, it was really impossible to just leave him like that. After all, I had already put in so much in the relationship and there were many happy memories.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
It's good that u r able to get out of it. Give urself a pat on ur back cuz I know how hard it is. The feelings, e shock, the emotions...

He is a coward so there's no point dwelling over him. Stay focus.
 

lovingyou

New Member
Lynn: People has a chance to irritate and/or upset u only when you allow them to do so by subjecting yourself to their "threats" etc.... The more you fear, the more it might add on to his adv... Don't be surprise that he might eventually back off once you "stand up" for yourself and not be bothered by his nonsense.
 

nylek

New Member
Lynn... be strong and ignore him and leave him... this guy has proven to have no credibility... u r a victim too! U r a human with emotions and its understandable that u need some time to digest the truth and break away but again half a yr is rather long.

for my case it's different... the other woman been to my wedding 1.5 yrs ago and saw me heavily pregnant. and yet she could do this to me. she was my husband's ex-coll. This type of woman is what I called CRAZY SLUT! If she's just passerby A who doesnt know my husband is married, i won't call her that name too. Though it takes 2 hands to clap and it's the MORON whose by my side started it and this moron is still trying to get me to reconcile.

I do share the same sentiments with you now... feeling depress and no longer have faith in marriage. Sometimes i wonder, how many percentage of ppl out there are really faithful? Anyway, ppl who stray are just really selfish, they dont end their own marriage first before seeking out another partner so they can have someone to fallback to. Also, u mention that he did "contemplate" a divorce. Forget it ba! man who wants a divorce will have done it without a "pulling (you)" factor.

What milo says is absolutely true...
"Getting married doesn't make the relationship secure in anyway actually. The security comes from the quality of the relationship and the integrity of the individuals involved"
 

lynnnn

New Member
Nylek, sorry to hear about your story. Your story does shed some light on my thinking and that is there are many different types of people on earth and that a broken marriage can be due to different causes.

Same here. I have some doubts about a marriage. Does it really bond two people together forever? Infidelity seems so common these days.

And yes, I was also thinking if he could easily divorce his wife, then will he also divorce me one day if our marriage fails then. Besides, I will not want to be the main cause for his divorce too.

I will be strong. Thanks for your encouragement!
 

miamivice

New Member
"My friends feel it's their appointed duty
They keep trying to tell me all you want to do is use me
But my answer yeah to all that use me stuff
Is I wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used
Oh you just keep on using me until you use me up
Until you use me up

My brother sit me right down and he talked to me
He told me that I ought not to let you just walk on me
And I'm sure he meant well yeah but when our talk was through
I said brother if you only knew you'd wish that you were in my shoes
You just keep on using me until you use me up
Until you use me up

Oh sometimes yeah it's true you really do abuse me
You get in a crowd of high class people and then you act real rude to me
But oh baby baby baby baby when you love me I can't get enough
I and I wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used
Oh you just keep on using me until you use me up
Until you use me up"

Oh Yes....
 

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