Boyfriend is stressed

ariel84

New Member
Need some suggestions on the ways I can show support for my BF... he has been stressed over work and financial issues. I can't help much in terms of finances, but would really want to show support in other ways.

How can I show that I'm there for him, without doing it too much? I don't want him to feel smothered. Sometimes when he's very stressed, he seem to draw away from me and become slightly less affectionate.

Would appreciate comments and suggestions. Would like to hear from men especially, how you like your partner to show love and support at times like these.
 


ariel84

New Member
Sigh, sometimes feel really useless and helpless when he's like that.
sad.gif
 

rain1983

New Member
words of encouragements, hugs & kisses, cooking him a meal, or small surprises of any kind is good enough... :D

JIAYOU!!
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
he needs time alone to destress and go back to his cave. You cannot stop him from doing so.

No one can be loving all the time. BE REALISTIC.

Be supportive and trust him to overcome them. Don't expect him to be always so appreciative all of the time. Anyone down can really feel bad and its not your fault. You should attempt to understand how to best cope with it. As no 2 persons behave the exact same way.
 

thommy

New Member
ariel, sometimes its best to leave him alone...my wife leaves me alone also when I'm down in the dumps. If he asks for some privacy, do respect that. Not all men react in the same way like Milo mentioned, some want their other half to give them 100% undivided attention, others just want to be left alone.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
As mentioned, no 2 persons will behave exactly the same manner. But understand that everyone has its down and moody periods. Don't take them personally. If you do, you will feel miserable and it will make it more stressful for the both of you. It will be a vicious cycle. You will also be moody and show black face and he is in no mood to smoothen your emotions either.

Generally, everyone needs a balance of some personal space. Finding that right balance is the key. One could tactfully ask if he wants to talk about it. If he doesn't want to, let him be. Don't try to probe further. Pamper him is minor ways like a good shoulder massage in bed or warm bath. If he talks, listen. Unless he asks for your views, don't fix him. He probably doesn't need answers. Just validation to feel understood.
 

ariel84

New Member
Thanks for the advice everyone.

Milo and Thomas, I understand what you're saying. I do pretty much leave him alone when I sense he is stressed. I just want to know is there something else I can do for him that will help decrease the stress. Okay, will take not and try not to "fix" him.

Rain, I do almost all you mentioned except the cooking part... haha. Thanks for the advice
happy.gif
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
ariel,

u can talk to him about it when he is in the right mood. Find out if what you are doing is helping and he is appreciating them. Or if he would like you to do things differently.

Communicate about it. Just do so at the right timing and not probe when he is stressed.
 

maerceci

New Member
I am in the same situation as you, ariel. A few month back i was here asking for suggestions. I felt upset to see my bf feeling depressed and losing his confidence. I was lost and don't know what to do.

After seeking some opinions here in the forum. I choose to leave the battle to him. Let him decide how he want to strive and fight to survive. I will often ask about how is his day. It's good that my bf is willing to talk about the unpleasant things that he went through. I will listen. I know i cannot offer solution as i am not familiar with his work. I can only give encouragement. Give him more time and space for him to progress in his work.

Correct me if i am wrong. Personally, i think it is a bad time to demand attention from him. I believe when things don't work well in his work, he will put less attention elsewhere. Thats could be why you think he is less affectionate to you.
 

ariel84

New Member
Milo - thanks, I will try it.

Ray - I don't mind he is less affectionate, that I can understand. I just wish to help him and let him know I will always be there for him, without coming across as smothering.
Is your BF now feeling better?
 

maerceci

New Member
When it come with work. I think there are not much things we can do for them. The best we can do is to make them feel better. Change their mood a bit. Sometime i will tell lame jokes to my bf. If he laughs, i feel good. Yi xiao jie qian chou.

From my first thread till now, he was depressed a few times. The recent one was last night.

I agree with milo. we really must be patient and supportive
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
An important part of listening is not letting it affect you emotionally. If listening to his stress makes u stress, then its probably u putting too much emphasis on finding the solution. And your stress and disappointment are self-imposed because of your instinctive need to help him fix it. Even if he doesn't really need your help, it doesn't diminish your instinctive urge to want to help.

Just as how we do not appreciate our parents for trying to pave the way for us in everything, our partners don't really want that either. Learn to let go and allow time for things to progress. There is no quick fixes to everything in life.
 

thommy

New Member
ariel, if he asks you to listen, pls do. Otherwise just leave him to sort out his emotions by himself. There's nothing much you can do other than to lend him a listening ear.

In life one can either choose to live his life happily or wallow in self-pity.
 

ariel84

New Member
Ok, thanks Milo and Thomas, I'll take note... ya I do have this instinctive need to help him or fix the problem. Trying to curb it by distracting myself with other stuff while he sort out his thoughts.

Ray - yes patient and supportive are the words.. I'll try my best
happy.gif
You too, take care!
 

mushigen

New Member
Seems that many have read the Mars vs Venus book. I agree with the concept of leaving the man alone in his cave. Just let him know you will be outside the cave to give him the support anytime he feels ready to come out.

If I'm stressed over certain issues and the partner cannot give practical solution, I would rather be left alone to allow me to think of a solution.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
ariel, it is also useful not just to curb and distract yourself. As you slowly realize and accept that the solution isn't a quick one and that being patiently supportive is part of the solution itself. You are not doing nothing by being supportive and understanding.
 

ariel84

New Member
Hmmmm, yup trying my best to be patiently supportive now. Well, something good happen. Just now he spent about 10 minutes ranting to me and complaining about work. At least he is talking about it now. :D
 

maerceci

New Member
I think that is good. At least he does not bottle up. You will get to know what happened. You have to listen patiently to him and don't be eager to offer suggestions.
 

milk_powder

New Member
diff men got diff char, for me, i like it best if i feel stress at work n my wife juz sit quietly beside me.

u say it best....when u say nothing at all..

When i takes occassional breaks from work, like toilet or drink, i will 'affectionate' lol.

Is sort of work on me, guess is reverse psychology ba, rather than keep asking y i stress knowing i wont say also, ego ma.

If u yearn for more affection amidst his stress, u may try running a finger on his shoulder or arm, best if he's top naked like me at home. Usually works on me well.
 

moistfaucet

New Member
i am quite surprise, when my girl ask others for help to help my financial and stress work issue.

what did your mommy and daddy teach you ?

have problem in financial issue ? give him money lar.

have problem in his work ? help him to finish it lar.

my good god.

do people know what to do sometimes ? it is just as simple as ABC, why make it so complex.
 

bedokboy

New Member
really depends on his character and personality.

you know him better than all of us so end day you should know which method or approach to administer.

but no harm sharing examples:

- encourage him to talk out his job woes, listen and respond accordingly by telling you will be here to listen first and foremost, then give whatever advice u deem suitable

- everything else in between you can try, cooking him a good meal over the weekend, planning a surprise getaway over the (long) weekend, be super nice to him, etc

- last resort which may become regular is, quite similar to what milk-powder is saying, and that is, sex. Sex for men is a form of release and it is not not invalid to say that men become more relaxed after. The flip side is, if your relationship is not strong, he may prefer to be alone or be with his buddies for boys' night out the day after. So, again, only you know best.

happy.gif
 

ariel84

New Member
Thanks bedokboy, things have improved since. When he's stress I just leave him alone to his computer games, unless he wants to talk. Usually, he will just initiate to meet me when he's ready.

Thanks for your advise
happy.gif
 

niwota

New Member
I think the most important thing is not to add on any stress to him during this period. Meaning, more understanding and patience towards him
happy.gif
 

maerceci

New Member
Haha my bf used to do that too.. He said it helps him to relieve stress. But now he hardly game.
So when he gets moody, he will sleep a lot and stone a lot.
 

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