Birth of 1st baby - had miscarriage - conceive 2nd child - 2nd BB delivered: All within one year?

blurblurman

New Member
An ideal situation:
Hubby and wife having dinner together every week with MIL/FIL etc .... no matter how busy u are ... u hv to make this a priority ....

But this situation seldom happen as they is always many things crop up ... or issues here and there
 


octo

New Member
nolem> You sounds more demanding than your mil. Seems like you're restricting your hb from going back to visit, despite him being ok with the travel distance, working late etc. Since you already managed to shift out with your hb, try to let go of the past and look forward to building a better r/s with your inlaws.

You should be glad that your mil didnt come disturbing your life at the new place. Live & let live, your hb is old enough to make his own decisions. It doesn't do you good to be so negative about your inlaws. Try to think more positive about them.

I read your old thread and at this new thread, you are still harping about the red flower and pushing head stuff. You should really let go of it. Like what you mentioned, its 2yr already. Why kept thinking of those bad memories and reminding yourself of the bad experience? You're replaying this scene in your head each time you bring it up.

To me, it seems like the whole issue is about you not being able to let go of the past.
 

mootie

New Member
yea lo.. but if u cannot make it or dun feel like going. juz send ur hubby as a representative lo. since he feel obliged.
 

mootie

New Member
huh? she already tok about this for 2 threads ar??? wat the...

if that's the case... pls, stop turning round in circles. it's a simple thing to begin with...
 

nolem

New Member
Its not that i want to restrict him to go back, i just didnt like the idea of him being brainwashed not to listen to his wife. The thot of her trying to control me by controlling my hb really makes me fear.

Yes, i still cant let go of the nasty things that had happended, that's why i wished to be as far away from her as possible. When i know hb is regularly going back to get a dose of influence, i detest it.
 

blurblurman

New Member
u see, now u are seeing ur bubby for more than 6 days per week, ur MIL just manage to see ur hubby for a few hrs ... actually u are in the upper hand now...so just let ur MIL to have ur hubby for those few hours to nag on him ... ( old people like to nag ... they will feel uncomfortable when there is no one to nag to ... poor hubby)

what ever happen before ... just erase from ur memory (note: don't ever mention it again or think about it) .... u will hv a wonderful marriage
 

nolem

New Member
I know there is no way out for this marriage anymore, maybe i just need some sort of confirmation which i am lacking....

I am unsure how to get annulment or divorce. I ever raised this to hb and he says he doesnt want to break up with me, but his relations with his mum is making me upset and paranoid, fearing for the future.

I wished he could better manage her and this would give me security and certainty that he is able to defend himself against MIL and protect me. He being so obliged to her, he cannot go against her to protect me. Small things like being too busy and hv no time to go back for dinner which he cannot reject her, makes me feel terrible and wonder what abt bigger things? I am worried to get pregnant to prevent more contact with MIL after having a child. But i knwo she sure want to snatch to take care since she always say "Male side hv bigger say, woman is married out" She tells my hb not to listen to me but FIL is totally submissive to her. Double standard
 

mootie

New Member
wat brainwash? wat dose of influence? u r not even there for dinner, how will u know wat they spoke about. u r being very paranoid and that's not gd for u.

Nolem, if u continue to picture situations here and there and create everything by urself, i;m worried for ur mental health. this is really unhealthy.
 

nolem

New Member
secretly i am planning to not to come back SG after i start my delegation overseas. Then slowly seek a divorce.

I just cant get over... be it the flower incident or how she called to scold my mother that she dun know who to teach her daughter (me) when i stayed over maiden hse occassionally after wedding. Her own daughter had moved home to stay for a few months and she feels its alright bcos her daughter missed home. Other pple's daughter she treat like dirt.
 

salsa_babe

New Member
if your husband can be so easily brain-washed by the MIL....then I will say something is very wrong with husband.

He does not have a mind of his own...
 

bobochacha

New Member
eh..sometimes i also fussed abt why my hubby wants my MIL to tag along our shopping trip..coz initially he said both of us nia..

my MIL treats me nice..but sometimes i just want time alone with me and my hubby..

i told him u always last min like tat..then he faster say okok i dont ask my mum then..then i said u already ask her to come eh..then i ok with it..

he said he will compensate back to me..

i give in to him everytime with regards to his parents stuff..i get back alot in return eh..

i'm never tot of asking anything from him coz i think its normal..but he treats me better eh..

psychological effect on the guys ah?? kekeke
 

nolem

New Member
how can i accept her again? i'm trying hard but she just stirs problem and i cant help but desire to get as far away as possible with my hb.

i know she tries to brainwash him bcos i hv heard her telling him not to listen to his wife, whatever hv to consult her first. I could tell she wants to be in control of our couple decisions and i am worried that she will continue to dictate him and the only things is to prevent them meeting to reduce the chance their meeting
 

its_fate

Active Member
One thing to bear in mind... Whatever parents they are (in terms behaviour, attitude, knowlwdge, many more), THEY are STILL PARENTS of the PERSON U CHOOSE TO MARRY....

Basic respect U still have to give it to them... Without them, you won't even have a chance to step into this family....

Let out the "grudges" which U have been holding... It's OVER..............
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"Its not that i want to restrict him to go back, i just didnt like the idea of him being brainwashed not to listen to his wife"

not listening to u = brainwashed?? huh?
The way you were lamenting, I was thinking, u guys stay together. Seems very petty to me. If your husband is this brainless, why on earth do you want this marriage with a brainless idiot. Sorry, but the the way you described your fears of him mum dictating his thoughts... If I take your word for it, your husband is literally BRAINLESS. Else, you have zero faith over his ability to think and you start doing all these things to control him.

You are doing exactly what you claim your MIL is doing. You are trying to manipulate and control him.
 

nolem

New Member
i know he's weak infront of MIL so i didnt like the idea. Bcos she is constantly up with ideas for us to sell our house, and i dislike it bcos i know one day hb will give in and wants me to follow. I jus want to prevent it from happening. I had a hell time staying there and i'll do anything to not let it happen again.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
To prevent it, you need him to start thinking and having a mind of his own. Not do exactly what your MIL do. In some competition to brainwash your brainless husband. You are so manipulative over things you don't like.

No offense to you. But, generally, this is the thing I really hate. People that do all this kind of manipulation. Its a hell if one cannot even rest and be himself at home, in front of his wife or mother. All trying to influence and manipulate him as if he is an idiot without feelings. Before you do any of these small schemes, have you considered his feelings?

When a man willing be manipulated by his loved ones, do you think he is happy about that at all? My guess, he is crying hard inside and having no way out of the pressure cooker home.
 

mootie

New Member
nolem : i believe u knew ur MIL way before u even married ur husband. perhaps in the time when u guys are dating. and don't tell me all these time u haven't seen how manipulative she is as wat u have described?

and if u do know beforehand and can convince urself to marry ur husband despite this issue, then wat's the problem now? pls do not become like ur MIL and treat ur husband as a puppet. spare a thought for him throught this whole thing. he needs to make both party happy while he swallowed all those nagging, mainpulative, unhappiness and even quarrels.

in fact, i believe the reason why he juz go along with all these things is because he doesn't want to stir up anymore trouble. who doesn't want to go back home and have a gd rest after a hard day at work. working life is already like fighting a war. going back home he still have to face 2 person he loved most telling him : I don't like this daughter in law, I don't like this Mother in law..

how would u feel if u are in his shoes?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
The diff is we cannot choose our parents but we can choose our spouse. It is difficult enough to handle the mother and now marry a woman that is doing exactly the same thing squeezing him into a corner.

He is not an brainless guy. He knows what's going on. He is just too soft to reject and decline. But both women are only focusing on their own fears and worries, never about him. Both afraid that the other party will influence him.
 

its_fate

Active Member
milo - Too bad lor.... likewise you say, "The diff is we cannot choose our parents but we can choose our spouse"... same goes to the hubby. He chosen someone JUZ LIKE THE MOTHER....

Perhaps he must be wondering, why din't he open his EYES big enuff before stepping into this TOMB....

TS - Do spare some thoughts for your hubby.... Don't keep thinking JUZ for yourself.... I do feel for you INITIALLY upon reading your posts... But, as time passed, I cannot acknowledge your doings anymore....

You heard about the Rubber Band story? If it's being pulled from both side, and if it SNAP, it not only "destroyed" itself, it also HURT both sided party that has been pulling it..

Being a wife, do your part by releasing the pressure you have imposed on him... Give him a breather.....
 

mootie

New Member
iris: "He chosen someone JUZ LIKE THE MOTHER....
" hee.. survery found that men will normally search for their ideal spouse somehow like their own mother. whilst women will find someone who's like their father. kekeke.. maybe that's why?

juz so happened that his eyes got STAMPED at tt point of time.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
definitely not for my case. No way to find someone like my mum! I think it depends on situation. If the man looks up to his mum, probably, he would want to find someone like his mum.

But, if he clearly knows what a pain she is regardless if he loves and have a good relationship with her, then he is unlikely to find someone similar to his mother's pattern.
 

mootie

New Member
haha.. milo, if it's like wat u say. then most prob this guy CLEARLY DOESN'T KNOW what he is getting himself into.
 

mootie

New Member
perhaps... both of them may not exactly know why and wat they have gotten into. until now... when all the problem arises.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
yah, things looks different from the appearance normally. We need to dig deep and get involved over period of time to truly get the full picture.

Most have this exposure so only after marriage.
 

its_fate

Active Member
milo - Dun really agree.. The decision to step into the "tomb" may not be done during honeymoon mood..... Maybe with the thinking that one can change another mentality....

Juz too bad.. "The cow dun drink water and the dog dun bark after the marriage"... No point "forcing" each other to abide to the aspects you have set.. It's not about Controling in a marriage...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
iris,

my thoughts on this :
i would think some significant number of the people only discover the true picture after marriage. For sure, people do change. But, normally these changes aren't that drastic especially when the person is mature and stable.

Most of the time when we say the person changed to completely another person, in actual, they haven't really changed that much. We just haven't seen that side.
 

blurblurman

New Member
I hv learn throughout the years that it is really no point forcing one’s “ideas†on the partner ... it is definitely useless ... maybe there is always some differences between the couple no matter how much similarity u think both of you have during the honeymoon period.

One have to learn to accept the other party the way he/she is … no matter how u dislike those “true colorâ€, one have to treat it as a “plus†point of him/his … else there will be a lot of conflict in marriage.

Like what TS mention regarding hubby “force†to go back for dinner with MIL, if TS thinks it in a positive way
e.g. “Hubby is really filial sonâ€

rather than thinking negatively
e.g. “Hubby is being weak for obliging towards MIL and MIL is too controlling ….â€

Isn't the situation will be different .... just ponder ????
 

bobochacha

New Member
i've heard so many stories here abt MIL and also saw those dramas..those CMI MIL..

i also scare i will be 1 of them..then the hubby clamp in the middle..

lucky my MIL still ok ah..but staying 2gether..i need to cook..clean the hse..hahaah..gain some pts..

anyway i dreamt last nite my MIL scold me for not washing plates..*sweat*
 

nolem

New Member
I knew her controlling nature during dating, I had also communicated to by then bf that i am not comfortable with her behaviour. Etc everytime we go out she will call him at 8pm+ asking where he is and wat time he going home. Then call again every hour asking the same and scold when he is not going back yet, fully aware we were out together. So he had to resort to telling lies to her that he is on the way home when we just were actually taking our dinner at 8pm, make sense? Sometimes he has to lie that he's working. Even when he has own activities w/o me, she will call and hurry him home as well. All his frens could predict its his mum on the line when his phone rings at night.

He assured me he will manage her over time and after we get married, she will not behave in this manner since married = grown up??? So in good faith i trusted him.

Then comes lots of unhappy indcidents while we started house hunting. She didnt allow her to move out, but when i finally agree to move in, she disallow me to renovate the house, only can paint the MBR, cant change furniture too. I was upset cos the house was under hb's sole name. She expect me to move in, and add my name to the house and take over the housing loan with hb while she keeps all the $ from proceeds of sale of their previous family flat.

I was too upset that i had wanted to call it over with him, but he begged and finally we bought a private unit and he wanted to move out. I did think abt how reltions with his mum before we were married and there had been times i confide with my close frens that i hope to cancel the planned wedding but everything is too late bcos the new hse was bought. They told me to hangin there and keep my fingers crossed MIL attitude will improve after wedding to be less controlling... so i did


During the time before the new hse was ready, i stayed at his place. MIL will give always interrogate abt our activities when hb informs her we're going out. Then she splash cold water to criticize etc. movie v nice meh? why go shop for new hse furniture again? jus buy from downstairs shop can liao... bla bla... ending with a black face and ghost chasing calls at night to hurry us back. She will intentionally stay up till we return home to check that wat time we come home and ensure hb didnt go stay at my mum's place with me.

I was disappointed that after marraige hb never educate her that she hv to change her controlling attitude as wat he promised. He jus pacify her by filling in all the info she wanted, despite i dislike other pple knowing our private activities outisde. When i trash things out with him, he finally told MIL nicely that it is not right for her to continue to behave in this manner. Then he gets a scolding from her that she is his mum, she has every right to know everything and he must obey all her commands, cannot listen to wife....

how will u handle?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Issues are flat on your face from day one. If you cannot accept it, then why agree to marry him?

Just because he beg and assured you but nothing but empty promises each time? Can I beg you to give me a few million dollars? Don't worry, I can give u assurance everyday, if you willing forgo more money. Talk is cheap and you buy it. And now, u join her in the controlling game.
 

nolem

New Member
perhaps u are right, i was silly to fall into this.... I thot since he bot a new hse for me, he will manage his mother better since he also wished she could change her attitude. Who knows he is still helpless under her
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Let him go home, eat with his mother and spend time with her. How do you expect him to influence his mum if you keep pulling him away? This only make your MIL more resolved to 'win' him back. Nothing will happen to him one. Stop imagining all kinds of things. The reason why she wants him to sell the house is so simple, because she wants him to stay with her. The more you try to pull her away, the worser it will.

Face it, she is his mum. You cannot change that. What you can do is improve things. Let him feel less trapped and be firm only on things that matters. You ask for the sky and micro manage him, it will only make him suffer like hell and it doesn't benefit you at all.

If you learn to prioritize, it will increase your negotiation power by giving in, in things that isn't important to you. In return, it improves the relationship and ease the tension.

It is only logical that more threaten someone, the more aggressive they become. Use more EQ and stop doing all this controlling. It makes matters worse. If you want something important from your husband, you don't just ask him once. Do it much more than once. Its way better if you just focus in getting what you REALLY REALLY need than trying to worry and control everything under the sun.
 

nolem

New Member
He is staying at home mon-fri already, plus weekends we only met late noon onwards. Is that too little time for her?

Reason why i didnt want to stay with her is bcos i found her too controlling. Even my SIL encourage us to move out bcos she knows her own mother is overbearing.

MIL tells me she will wash her hands off our affairs after her son is married since he is into next phase of life. But she still continues to track him down and do all those actions.

Even the time we stayed at home when we stayed together, she complaint that i always stay inside the bedroom. So her son is already at home, still not happy. Even if i stay in the hall etc, she also dont talk to me.... I knoe she just want to know what i am doing, being in the room she cant poke her nose.

If she cant let go, then i think she shld tell the JP that she object to our marriage during our ROM.
 

blurblurman

New Member
hi nolem,

Learn to let go,
learn to be less controlling,
Learn to thinks about hubby first before u, learn to put urself in ur hubby shoes before u thinks/say of anything that affect him

There is more important things in life other than ur MIL

Prioritize ur tasks....
e.g.
hubby
kids
house
work
holiday
.....
.....
..... and the last should be MIL ( can KIV this as it is not important at all :) )

u will feel happier --- i hope
 

blurblurman

New Member
hi nolem,

r u saying

Mon - Fri : Hubby stay with MIL
Sat : Hubby stay with u

?????????????????????????

super confused !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can bang wall leh
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
I'm getting confused. He is only there for dinner right? Do you get upset that you need to work Mon-Fri??
 

nolem

New Member
i think i shall just prepare for an annulment or divorce, while i find some peace while i'm overseas.

thanks for advise, this shall be my last post...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
One very interesting video clip that I watched on-line. Women tend to ask something once and expect the man to remember and follow-up. They would spend a whole lot of time thinking and wondering if he remembers and trying figure out why he doesn't place it with priority.

In the nutshell, waste time getting upset rather than asking again.

Of cos, there is the opposite of that as well, where everything is also important to the woman and she doesn't stop loading him with information. That becomes nagging.

Both extremes are very very common and its totally counter productive. Everyone is very busy with many things. We need to multitask. Men are not naturally good in that. It helps to simplify and prioritize. Remind him only on things that matters and then give him the space and respect to execute it himself.
 

jolinr

New Member
Yah, divorce bah, i think it's better for your husband. He is quite pitiful to stuck in between you and your MIL.
 

its_fate

Active Member
Guess this is what she wants to hear from us... "Supporting her action in Divorce"..

ps: A gentle reminder. Should you divorce and proceed with a new relationship, do open your eyes BIG.. not only that, YOUR HEART TOO.... 心胸放阔一点,人会活的比较快ä¹....
 


mootie

New Member
TS made up her mind liao...

yea la milo, women likes to test water. test whether their partner bothers to remember details or not. i dun deny, i does that too.. =P
 

Top