BF not ambitious

princessemei

New Member
this is really bothering me.
i think my bf is really kiddish in mentality. he is such a lovelorn when he should be more concern about his career and future.

how should i put it to him with regards to this and not hurt his pride?
 


miloice

Well-Known Member
You cannot fix or change him. Talk to him. If you guys cannot communicate freely, its a problem for the relationship. Think if he is really suited for you. There are no right answers. Don't struggle to make him what you want. Find someone you can live with happily and can't do without.
 

princessemei

New Member
Ya, thats what i tot too .. but he loves me alot. i can't bear to upset him, thus, initially, i tot why not gv him and myself a chance and see how things work out. but ... i kinda scorn him now and then when even myself as a woman, im worried about my career path etc, while he seems nonchalant about his at the age of 31.

but i have to admit he's a very nice chap though.

really vex!
 

nichie

Member
He can be earning $10000/mth but if you are a very ambitous person, you will still think he is not ambitous enough....what is your expectation of him?
 

princessemei

New Member
im not expecting him to earn that kinda amount every month .. but at least show interest in what he sees himself 3-5 yrs from now. if not, i feel kinda insecure leh .. all he tot of is love love love .. right?
 

tomasulu

Member
Lovelorn? He has you hasn't he?

Never be with a guy you don't respect. Doesn't matter how great a guy he is otherwise, he is not for you. And don't try to mould him into your ideal.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Toma is right. u will grow to despise him and he to resent you. The honeymoon period will not last forever.

You do not marry someone just because he is nice. There are lots of nice guys out there. If all woo u at the same time, how? Take all?
 

eddie77

New Member
Is he hardworking? Does he care for the family? Can you see him doing his best in taking care of the family if you both get married one day?

You are a woman with ambition. But maybe he is one who prefers a simple live. He may feels that having a family life with you forever is good enough for him and he is happy with that. Other than that, he is not so concerned.Both of you are not the same. He is just not your ideal guy but are you willing to accept him for what he is?

I sincerely think that both of you should sit down and discuss about this. You said he loves you very much, however I sense that you don't really love him that much. So, I think u should think hard about this relationship to see if you want to continue. If you really think that he is not the person for you, then don't waste each other time. Getting married and then go for divorce is ten times more troublesome and hurting than now.
 

nichie

Member
At 31, how is he in his job and finances? Did he ever discussed or talked to you about his goal or plan?...cannot every minutes and second talked about love love love right? Sometime its not that he has no ambition but may be both of you have not discuss or talk about it seriously...you should pose the question to him...however in your own view how will you visualize him to consider as an ambition and motivated person?

Funny lei...I have a friend complaining about his hubby spending most of his time working and studying and kind like felt neglected by him…she knows he is working hard for their future but still feel that way…..think of it this way..if your bf is an ambition man…he may not be so nice to you and not much time to be lovey dovey with you then you will not fall in love with him and you will not have this problem…I don’t know…I am used to be like you…hoping my bf to have some accomplishment in his career etc but he is quite interested in charity work and planning of doing it full time for a few years…I was thinking then…should I stick with him huh…I mean how much can you earn in going charity…how to save for house, marriage etc….but I felt his joy and happiness from what he likes to do and most importantly I felt happy and loved whenever I am with him….I guess that’s the only thing that matter…others are secondary…keke…may be I have been thru worst scenario when I am young and nothing can be worst than that especially when you are going through with your loved one…
 

princessemei

New Member
Outcast: you are right! It seems to me that he just love love love everyday. I did tried to bring this topic up in a diplomatic way, but he was rather uninterested and will start acting coy sometimes. I hate guys acting coy! Come on, man shld be the stronger one, I really don't know how to react when he does that *faint*..

Another thing I can't stand is his sloppy dressing *arghhh*!!
wearing the same pair of bermuda everytime, how abt that?
-_- best part --> he wants to meet me everyday! He'll be unhappy when I say no I just want to rest at home. But yet when I agree to meet him each time he will come in that pair of bermuda and just any t-shirt .. it makes me wonder "doesn't he wash it"? OMG! Sorry I may sound like a bimbo, but hey, im not expecting him to dress like any super star, neat, tidiness and looking clean are the very least ways to respect yourself and who you are meeting right?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Both of you seem unstable. things you look for vs things you mentioned. Rather superficial frankly.

we wear what we are comfortable mostly and have enough common to know what is appropriate ourselves. It is prey common that women disapprove the guys dressing. Do it in a more proactive and positiv manner than complaining here.

When you guys go shopping. Let him try on some clothes you picked for him. Compliment how nice he look.

Seem put much like puppy love to me. Just enjoy the relationship and progress from there. don't rush into anything til both of you really know what you need and want.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
u can talk until the cows come home, but still NOTHING will CHANGE...

OR u can do something to initiate CHANGE... since u wanted it so badly
happy.gif


tell him u need a break from him (and mean it). And tell him exactly why u're doing that b4 u stop seeing each other... well, hopefully for a while
happy.gif


i know it's kinda drastic (and risky), but the aim is to set him thinking... whether it is worthwhile for him to change for u.

of cos, there is a more economical way for this - go for a Clean Break.

if u can't enjoy each other's differences and one needs to change to suit another then perhaps u guys were not made for each other.
 

powder

Active Member
sadly... when i was dating in my 20s... most women would want guys to be like your bfren... whilst i was envisioning my current life when i was in my 20s...

it came to a point when i stopped dating... not much point when i didn't have the time nor the patience to constantly explain why my time was such a luxury.

it's been more than a decade, and meeting some of my ex-gfrens now... it's nice to know they finally understand Now, why i had to do what i had to... the breakups were amicable yet sour at certain points becos neither party could understand how 'the future' can mean more than just 'u+me" to include career, property, cars and many other stuff.

my point is simple... u either see it or u dun. u either take it or u dun. unfortunately u can't always have your partner see things in similar fashion, nor envision what u do. some of us are able to see very far, some are not... some live for the moment, some live abit in the future... whilst the sad ones live in the past. who's to say what's right or wrong... but i guess it would really be nice to grow with someone from young to old, poor to rich, trials to smooth sailing...

i guess one of the things u can do is to share your dreams... if he loves u, that itself can be a spur & motivation to actually push himself abit more than he wants, perhaps get out of his comfort zone abit. BUT u have to be aware that IF he tastes success, he may change entirely and not be able to go back to being that sweet guy who adores u at your feet. Are u just as prepared for that??

and in some cases... some guys dun have to work as hard as many others becos they are actually quite brilliant and can push their own button at Will, when they need to. dun underestimate the potentials of pple... u'll have to make your own assessments and decision.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Michelle,

If your hubby wants to love love love you, so be it.

As long as he takes care of you and the kids well, just let him be.

I have to warn you, this love-lorn habit doesn't die off after years of marriage.

My hubby stills calls me a several times every day till my mum and his staff thinks he is tracking my movement.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi,

However, this kind of behaviour is not too healthy.

Sometimes, I think to myself, he is so attach to me, if suddenly I die, I don't know if he can cope well.
 

ene1010tan

New Member
Most gals in 20s wld be so touched and love the lovelorn side of him but lets be practical, once gals hit late 20s -30s.They will find all these actions too impractical,dreamy. Gals still seek for stability and the security. I have a 30ish fren who does the lovey action till now when he goes after a gal, things like baking for her, doing handcraft stuff but still cant get a galfren in the end. Guess these behavouir make gals think he is immature in thoughts. probably u should try to say tactfully that a man shd have a career and dreams etc
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
not true... those that marry practical could lament how boring their lives become as well and seek sparks and excitment elsewhere.

Its really a balance. We need to fulfill various aspects of our lives. Its not all lovey dovey, but romance and sparks are very essential elements to sustaining a loving and lasting relationship. We don't just bullshit or belittle one part. Its always about striking the right balance.
 

susanna_low

New Member
u either see it or u dun. u either take it or u dun. unfortunately u can't always have your partner see things in similar fashion, nor envision what u do. some of us are able to see very far, some are not... some live for the moment, some live abit in the future... whilst the sad ones live in the past. who's to say what's right or wrong... but i guess it would really be nice to grow with someone from young to old, poor to rich, trials to smooth sailing...

This is so very true, i like it so much tt i posted on my wall
 

gi_gi

New Member
"The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well."

- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
 

tomasulu

Member
What many guys fail to understand is that chicks want to be with someone they respect or admire. Baking cakes and making shitty looking crafts register very low on the respect meter.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Michelle,

Are you bother by his career or bother by his lovelorn attitude?

I have a classmate who is the boss of several conmpanies and have many employees working for him. Everyday he just spend time with his wife and kids, love love love all the time, he doesn't really work because the employees do everything for him.

Will this be ok with you? There are some people who love love love and yet do well in their career.

Or it's not the money but you feel being suffocated by his too much love?
 

denise80

Active Member
Michelle,

now I'm facing a similar situation like yours. My hubby, eversince he quitted his job to help out in a family business, he's been 'slacking' to me. He would go to work as and when he pleases and knocks off at anytime he likes. Imagine going to work at 10am and knocking off at 3 or 4pm almost every day? His argument is he has finished his job, what he wants me to do? But I see his parents working longer hours and coming home late. What is happening here?? His brothers are also putting in more hours than he does. His argument is always longer hours dun equal to quality work - of cos everyone knows this but given that extra time, I'm just wondering..couldn't he stretch his potential? When I ask him what does he see himself and his business 3-5 years down the road, he couldn't answer me. When I ask him what he thinks are his areas for improvement, he said...read up more business books lor. ?!! Before joining in the family business, frankly, he's someone who works extremely hard, doing OTs and very serious, putting in 101% effort type. It's not like he's this lazy all his life. Sigh..
 

ariel84

New Member
Denise, probably he feels unmotivated in the family biz.. is his job scope very narrow? Is it very different from what he used to do?
 

denise80

Active Member
ariel, thank you for your response.

He is indeed unmotivated in the family biz and true enough, it's of a very different nature. In fact he wishes to set up his own biz in a different area of his interest next year but given that he's doing this next year, I still don't see him doing much planning as of now.
sad.gif


Actually he's earning much more now than before but I just couldn't connect with him because he seems very free all the time and is not serious about working.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Hi Denise, if the biz is doing well, then why worry? He could focus his energy on other aspects in life. Its really a blessing to me. Our value is not based on how much a workaholic we are. right?
 

denise80

Active Member
Oh Milo, he's earning much more because his family pays him more...frankly, his addition to the family company is not helping the family to earn more...they're just sharing the pie. Our value is certainly not on how much a workaholic we are but I feel he's not doing his bit...even his brothers at times grumble that they are putting in more effort than he does...he just thinks he's doing 'higher level' work though he seems to do less...I may not understand what 'higher level' work he's doing but frankly, every day at home, I don't see him working on any documents, doing any planning except to play games, watch tv, youtube etc
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Think it would be difficult for you to motivate his job if its not challenging. Let alone bring work home?

Nevertheless, you have a real concern here that his free time is not spend wisely. We do need some idle time to wind down but some balance is needed. Are you too busy to accompany him or is he only interested in idling himself?

I spent 1 yr bodybuilding and training super hard in the gym while in my previous job that I found no challenge. I left after I could take no more. With a big pay cheque, it would be harder for him to leave.
 

ariel84

New Member
Denise, just be patient and encouraging. From ur description, i believe ur hubby is hardworking by nature. This could just be momentary that he's unsure of what he wants, or feeling complacent due to the good pay and less work.

Whatever happens, dont resort to nagging (not saying you are, just in case) to motivate him. Try the soft approach, maybe find a day when u're both free, sit down and discuss ur career goals.

How long has he been like this?
 

simpleman

Active Member
denise

What is wrong about appearing not to be working but is "working effectively"?

I don't know but my approach is the "output" / "result" and not what appears to be.

If you are in sales - it is how much you sell not how much time you spent selling. If you are doing project - it is not how busy you are.. but whether your projects delivered on time and on budget.

It is difficult to comment about his work unless he is working for you. Some times we see salesman - not doing much.. only talking and yet the can earn big money.. And we think that it is not justified.. this is further from the truth. Or we see people slog like hell for a miserable pay.

Actually, I very much like to "slack".. what is wrong with "slacking" when you still earn your keep.

Not saying your hb is right.. just offering another perspective.
 

denise80

Active Member
Milo,..imagine I'm not free and yet I tried finding time to exercise...he's free and needs to exercise but he just idles...it's hard for me to communicate with someone like that.

Ariel, I don't nag..worse is I have a sharp tongue. I once asked if he could challenge me more intellectually.

I often sit him down to discuss career goals and our areas for improvements at work...he would sound like he has directions but actually he isn't clear abt his goals and is not working towards it..he'll tell u it's not time...but he has a lot of time..I don't even see him planning for it.

It's been well...almost a year?

Think it doesn't help because I'm rather focused on my job right now. This makes communication difficult I feel. Of course, we could chat about other stuff in life...but this is one area we can't touch on. Sensitive topic I would say.

There were times when he lost his patience when he waited for me after work, of which I didn't tell him to wait for me?? Sometimes he would just wait at my workplace without even telling me and when he waited for more than an hour due to my long meeting, he would express his agony. I found that most ridiculous because I had clearly told him that I duno what time I would knock off and would call him only after I'm done.
 

simpleman

Active Member
denise,

But seriously.. I won't discuss my "career goals" with my other half. Spouse is not boss.

He is an adult. Can't you trust him to manage his own career. You chose him. So trust him.
 

denise80

Active Member
oh sm, he's earning his keep because he is well-paid by his father. In actual work, I don't think he does much frankly. I just asked a simple qns...and he can't answer me. I asked, "How has your addition to this family business helped to generate more revenue/profits for the business or are you all just sharing the same pie?" - He doesn't even know and he tells me he handles the finances and management processes. huh??
 

denise80

Active Member
sm, when I married him, he's only a worker for other companies. I trusted him because I saw how hardworking he is and he has very gd planning for time at work and in personal commitments. But eversince he joined his family business, he lost his direction and his not concerned.

I'm a bit different. I need to have both serious commuication and the mundane type of conversations with my spouse. I used to be able to engage in these sorts of conversations with him. Not now.

He has the same reaction as you..that why can't I trust that he's doing well? Perhaps coupled with other bad experiences with his ways of managing his personal finances, I can't really trust him in that.
 

simpleman

Active Member
denise,

You can't manage your hb's career not his aspirations.. You can share with him, influence him, motivate him.. but you CAN"t tell him what to do - no matter how you think - that you know him better than he knows himself.

Yes, even if you are the most focus person in the world, the most valued career trainer.. so what? He is your hb. Not your client nor your subordinate. You have to respect him first as a person. Trust him. Or make him such that you can trust him. You can guide him in an indirect manner.

The best is for him just to be a silent partner - collect money and for him to pursue other interest. Or for his family to talk to him about his value to the family business.. But not you.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi denise,

I agree with SM. Your hubby can decide for himself. I don't think you want to be hubby's mother or boss, always giving him instructions.
 

denise80

Active Member
Sm & Albee, thank you for your advice...I'll try not to discuss about work with him...I don't think I can talk about work with him..I'll start to sound like his boss (haha). The only gd thing about this whole thing is he has all the time in the world for me, cooking dinner and doing house chores etc. I'll just see where his family business takes him to.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi Denise, for me, I don't need a career or job to stay connected with my partner. I share more about my job than my wife actually. She is the least interested. To her, as long as I'm happy with my job and have time for the family and financially stable, that's good enough.

I sense that you are losing respect for him in a way, viewing him as a bum. There is more in life than work. I would gladly have a metal rice bowl with nice big pay cheque with trivial role to channel my resources in my family. Be very careful, as it could fall into a vicious cycle. It will not motivate him but rather make him feel unneeded. Manage this carefully. Men needs respect and trust. In the area of motivating him, I guess Albee would have good suggestions on how to be the xiao nu ren for your spouse.
 

simpleman

Active Member
You can discuss about work with hubby.. but not in a judgemental mode. When both of you are in happy mode and open - you can talk to him about your aspirations first.. then he may slowly open up to talk about his. and just listen and don't judge (even if you feel like telling him off).
 

yesno333

Member
Pls la..u cannot work and support him is it? all you women out there only want a guy who work and support you ppl while you all shake legs at home...time for a change....
 
When you earn SGD 5000 / month. you will see cheap in SGD 100. when you earn SGD 10,000 / month. HKD 500 is nothing.

there is always something bigger and smaller. how do you define ambitious ?

There is a difference between working in 8 hours and doing only 1 job or working in 1 hour and doing 8 jobs.
 

denise80

Active Member
yesno333, wow..what a sweeping statement. Since when did women here say they want hubby to support them while they shake legs at home? In fact, what I'm reading here is...we're all working and earning $$$ and hope the hubby could be as ambitious if not more ambitious than us. What time for a change? You prefer to eat 'soft rice' that's your problem and perspective. Sure..there may be women who might really support the hubby while the hubby shakes leg at home...just wish you good luck in finding such women. Even housewives don't shake leg at home mind you. They do the chores, cook and raise kids. I'm not a housewife but I do work and support the household expenses too.

Mirror, the definition of ambitious indeed can differ from one to another. My definition is very simple and that is a man should always optimise his time, be forward looking and take effort in advancing his career and not stay put or be complacent about current status. Someone who continues to learn and improve himself is ambitious to me too. Being ambitious is not always about how much a person earns as I've defined above.

Anyway my hubby is making some progress in his business planning (though slow in my definition but at least he is moving ahead).
 
simple suggestion is to just break up...seriously what's the point of holding on if eventually you will still resent him.
there is always more loaded fishes out there but to get one without a baggage, is not as easy as it seems.
 



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