hi Hope,
I understand your intentions. I haven't been in your situation, as such I don't really have the so-called right to advice, but I can empathise and share.
My hubby had always a trust issue, he feels that since I had cheated on my first love of nearly 7 years, that it's inherent in my character to cheat, and that one day it would happen to him, even after marriage. To protect his heart, he distanced himself emotionally away from me after the first years of marriage. It was frustrating to be Scarlet-branded; he doesn't trust that people learn and change, and evolve.
Increasingly over the next decade, the love he had for me eroded away, it was a systematic elimination on his part, if there's such a thing. He was in the 'self-protection' mode. On hindsight, I'm sure he was in a lot of pain thinking that I've been unfaithful to him, those times I was uncontactable in the office etc. In the initial years, I was acting like the petulant and defiant child, thinking that I've done no wrong, so why the hell should I submit to his demands. Things were not easy, not easy at all, imagine being called the ugliest names that a woman can be called; the fights are just legendary, as we are both stubborn and hard-headed. Things got so unbearable that I asked for a divorce. He softened up and asked me to stay. I stayed, but I knew very well that wouldn't be the end of it. He was almost dead to me in my heart, having bore the brunt of the psychological and verbal abuse, and I can't even bear him touching me, but still I stayed and I concentrated on being a good mother to our child. For that was happiness to me. I was amazed at how I could 'compartmentalise' happiness, but when things happen to you, i guess you choose to cope, or collapse.
In my younger pre-marriage years, this would have been unthinkable. I would have asked myself to regain my dignity and walk away. But when when the unthinkable happen, something kicks in - whether it's the instinct to fight for happiness, or some sanity (which is my son). We both love our child dearly and my hubby is a good father to him. We don't quarrel in front of him, and my priorities are simple, though they change and evolve through the years. I stood by my decision to stay and through the following years, I regain my love for him. So yes it's very possible, a heart of stone can be softened. The impossible becomes the possible. Now this may not be a good thing, for as it happened, I came to need him more than he needed me. Yes, our relationship can be likened to a power struggle. By then I wanted very much for things to be set right between us. But there was no way in hell he would go for marital counselling; It was purely a matter of ego for him.
Anyway, things came to a head last year when he said that he felt no spousal love for me, but rather views me as his best friend. WTH. He says that he's been systematically eliminating any feelings for me - no feelings, no hurt. So whilst my feelings build up for him, his has still been on the downward spiral.
I was crushed. Now the tables are turned. We discussed separation, and one day, he again accused me of infidelity, with a friend of his. He wanted a divorce. What do I do? I was almost going mad. Previously I would have wanted reasons, I would have been needy and clingy.
This time, something snapped. My heart had walled up as well. Why the hell should I stay with someone who didn't want me.
I found a place to move out to, but he asked me to stay. I did, but I told him I'm not obliged to wifely duties, since he is not treating me as a husband should, but that I'm residing in the same house, for my son's sake. I had set a timeframe for the legal divorce proceedings, as I am certain it will have to come to that.
Some of my friends asked me to fight for the marriage, but it's hard to fight to be with someone who wants you out of his life. I don't want to stand in his way of happiness. But yet, everytime I want to move out, he stops me. I was truly truly mindf!@&*ked. One day, I decided, heck it, the best thing I can do for myself, and that is within my control, is to live well.
I went to the gym as often as I liked went to the spa as much as I wanted, I went back to my interests, I reconnected with my good friends. I was truly happy, after a while,I was practically glowing. Also through this time of hurt, I came to self-realisation of my follies of not doing enough to help my hubby with his insecurity issues.
Then slowly, all the loving and caring came creeping back. Started with the little touches here and there at first - buying my favourite snacks, downloading my favourite movies/music, the little knick-knacks that were symbolic to us, we were almost like blushing young loves, embarassed by our hints of affection. We started talking, and then eventually re-connecting. I never forced the issue of talking, but it happened eventually. Our son would make fun of us. I had by then, achieved balance and self-happiness in my life, it was like I was untouchable emotionally and psychologically, for the first time in a very very long time.
One day, he put his wedding ring back on, first time in years, and that's all he needed to do, no words no letters. We may not have addressed every issue, but hell, it was more than good enough for me.
No marriage is easy, and those who have had it easy, congrats to you, but deal with the rest of us with respect and choose your words carefully.
So you see, nothing is really ever set in stone. Perceptions, gold-standards in relationships, past experiences, a person's character - they can change, and no matter what anyone tells you, if you have decided on the course, set on it, and you never know, you are taking a chance at happiness. Who can stop you at that? What worked for others may not work for you. We don't know you, nor your husband personally, and this is your marriage. I would hesitate to judge you or your actions.
As someone's said, this is a free forum, and so I am airing my views, whether you agree or not. Some views have been put forth by people more eager to prove they are right (though I doubt if they would have experienced your kind of pain, hence I don't understand their impatience) than helping you, seeing it through your eyes.
To be honest, I find some forumers post to justify their opinions and forcing their validity, whilst you are the one living the reality.
Whilst we post, it doesn't mean that Hope's obliged to listen and to react to our every comment.
Freedom didn't ya'll say.
