Anyone managed to salvage marriage?
- Thread starter small_wish
- Start date
miloice
Well-Known Member
you are lying to yourself and clinging dearly to your lies to hang on to the marriage. If you really intend to treat this as a fake marriage for your kid, your focus should be just that. TOW, his lack of love etc isn't going to unrest and stop you from getting back on your feet at all. You keep asking what can you do and I told you numerous time. You need to get a grib over yourself. Your self belief and esteem. What kind of bullshit are you saying that by doing so, you would push him away? Total rubbish.
Like the other things you are mentioned. You contradict yourself bigtime. If you really want to move and remain in this marriage in name. You need a proper action plan to make that possible too. Look at that. Don't tell me you cannot do that. There should be nothing to be sad about and nothing to wait for him to react. This is a marriage in name. React what shit? Let him be busy for all he wants. Why worry about TOW threats when u guys are only in name? Focus on your life, kid and strike your own balance. Stop giving excuse on why you cannot do that. You can, you just don't want to.
Its so clear why one would be frustrated with you. You are like a rotti prata flipping up and down, popomama, drama style. Turning sides in super draggy style excusing yrself to continue behaving like this. Such a short conversation here, you are already displaying this characteristic big time. Imagine to face a partner doing that all the time. And you don't get it still??
Like the other things you are mentioned. You contradict yourself bigtime. If you really want to move and remain in this marriage in name. You need a proper action plan to make that possible too. Look at that. Don't tell me you cannot do that. There should be nothing to be sad about and nothing to wait for him to react. This is a marriage in name. React what shit? Let him be busy for all he wants. Why worry about TOW threats when u guys are only in name? Focus on your life, kid and strike your own balance. Stop giving excuse on why you cannot do that. You can, you just don't want to.
Its so clear why one would be frustrated with you. You are like a rotti prata flipping up and down, popomama, drama style. Turning sides in super draggy style excusing yrself to continue behaving like this. Such a short conversation here, you are already displaying this characteristic big time. Imagine to face a partner doing that all the time. And you don't get it still??
small_wish
New Member
Sorry if I make any of you angry.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Hope, why not you tell your husband you intend to remain in the marriage in name only, for the sake of your daughter. Strike a deal with him, that he can play the field but must come home every night and must discharge his paternal duties. Tell him you are not obligated to entertain him.
Honesty is the best policy.
Honesty is the best policy.
angry? none of us is angry. we are just passionate when we discuss topics and issues.
doll's idea might just work.
in the meantime, you can find a boyfriend too, if you are not too preoccupied with your daughter. this could be a pragmatic solution. now this would really be win-win.
doll's idea might just work.
in the meantime, you can find a boyfriend too, if you are not too preoccupied with your daughter. this could be a pragmatic solution. now this would really be win-win.
gluttonish
New Member
Hope, really, the main thing should be to focus on yourself, and your marriage.
It wasn't easy for me to win my hubby back. He did consider staying with TOW.
I did alot to win him back, I reflected alot to find out what's the 'push factor', and try to improve from there.
Since you've made the choice to stay, then make the best out of it. If you did your best, but still can't win him back, then its probably time to leave.
You have to view your marriage and his affair as two separate relationship, although its with the same man.
Only your marriage is within your control.
It wasn't easy for me to win my hubby back. He did consider staying with TOW.
I did alot to win him back, I reflected alot to find out what's the 'push factor', and try to improve from there.
Since you've made the choice to stay, then make the best out of it. If you did your best, but still can't win him back, then its probably time to leave.
You have to view your marriage and his affair as two separate relationship, although its with the same man.
Only your marriage is within your control.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
It's not that difficult to remain in a loveless marriage when there is mutual agreement.
small_wish
New Member
Thanks for all. Will try my best.
Agreed... Keep harping on the fact that HB doesn't want to talk, no time for communication etc wun improve things... Personally, I dun see how sincere can your HB be whereby he refused to talk and/or even admit that it is also partly his fault that he had strayed and perhaps still do now?
Why mus it be you to win back his love whereby he is the one who betrayed your love, the marriage vows in the first place? I am not trying to say that you shld harp on the mistake but why hold on to a man or trying to please a man whereby you can't even be sure how he feels towards you now?
"Really, I am not harping on what has happened and what TOW has done or going to do. I just want to move on. I can be happy as long as my daughter is happy, but I can't make HB happy. Unless the only way is to let him go to TOW." - Why bother whether he is happy or not, whereby you aren't happy either by staying in such a loveless marriage? You kept telling us that you are happy if your daughter is happy, i doubt she will be unhappy if you are not unhappy and if your daughter's happiness is what it matters most to you now, why bother with those unnecessary qns on how to win back the love and marriage, since you are sure that your daughter will not be affected so long there is no D?
Why mus it be you to win back his love whereby he is the one who betrayed your love, the marriage vows in the first place? I am not trying to say that you shld harp on the mistake but why hold on to a man or trying to please a man whereby you can't even be sure how he feels towards you now?
"Really, I am not harping on what has happened and what TOW has done or going to do. I just want to move on. I can be happy as long as my daughter is happy, but I can't make HB happy. Unless the only way is to let him go to TOW." - Why bother whether he is happy or not, whereby you aren't happy either by staying in such a loveless marriage? You kept telling us that you are happy if your daughter is happy, i doubt she will be unhappy if you are not unhappy and if your daughter's happiness is what it matters most to you now, why bother with those unnecessary qns on how to win back the love and marriage, since you are sure that your daughter will not be affected so long there is no D?
Hi Hope,
Just to share my story with you.
I was in your situation last yr. I posted here before that I was truly hurt by his action and liked your situation, my husband is self-employed and "no-time" to work on the marriage. I was expected to just simply keep mum about what happened and move on in the marriage since he decided to leave the gal.
Throughout this whole yr, although I convinced myself hard that he truly wants the marriage, I get paranoid whenever he is uncontactable. And 1 mth ago, he came back real late and was locked out cos I fall sick and was on med so didnt hear the phone ring. He managed to break e latch and came into the house. And he later threatened me with a chopper in which now I am filing for PPO against him.
I am seeing a psychologist and I realized that I was being emotionally abused all the while. From your statement that you fear of doing something wrong that he might leave you, you seem to be emotionally abused. No one in a marriage should fear of the other party because a real marriage should be built on love and respect, and there shouldn't be fear.
You can PM me and I can share more info with you in regards to what you are going through. Of cos, I am not encouraging you to divorce but do you think you want to live in such fear for the next 30 years or more? It will take both of you to work if both of you want to make this marriage last. Do u think you can convince him to go for martial counselling to salvage the marriage?
Btw, you can go to this http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PhyVio.pdf and take a look under the using coercion and threats.
Hope the above info helps. All the best!
Just to share my story with you.
I was in your situation last yr. I posted here before that I was truly hurt by his action and liked your situation, my husband is self-employed and "no-time" to work on the marriage. I was expected to just simply keep mum about what happened and move on in the marriage since he decided to leave the gal.
Throughout this whole yr, although I convinced myself hard that he truly wants the marriage, I get paranoid whenever he is uncontactable. And 1 mth ago, he came back real late and was locked out cos I fall sick and was on med so didnt hear the phone ring. He managed to break e latch and came into the house. And he later threatened me with a chopper in which now I am filing for PPO against him.
I am seeing a psychologist and I realized that I was being emotionally abused all the while. From your statement that you fear of doing something wrong that he might leave you, you seem to be emotionally abused. No one in a marriage should fear of the other party because a real marriage should be built on love and respect, and there shouldn't be fear.
You can PM me and I can share more info with you in regards to what you are going through. Of cos, I am not encouraging you to divorce but do you think you want to live in such fear for the next 30 years or more? It will take both of you to work if both of you want to make this marriage last. Do u think you can convince him to go for martial counselling to salvage the marriage?
Btw, you can go to this http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PhyVio.pdf and take a look under the using coercion and threats.
Hope the above info helps. All the best!
small_wish
New Member
Thanks for all the advice. Don't think HB is that bad, just that he is lost and stuck in between me and TOW don't know what to do, so choose to keep quiet.
That's why I thought since he has chosen to stay, I have to give him love so as to give our r/s a try to win him back and prevent future affairs too. Just hope I can find ways to break the ice.
Will try my best. Thanks for all your encourage too.
That's why I thought since he has chosen to stay, I have to give him love so as to give our r/s a try to win him back and prevent future affairs too. Just hope I can find ways to break the ice.
Will try my best. Thanks for all your encourage too.
gluttonish
New Member
Somehow... I feel that you are not really here to seek any advise. More like coming here to rant? No offence intended.
small_wish
New Member
Gluttonish
No, not ranting, nothing to rant about, what has happened has already happened. I have to accept the fact. And I accept the fact that I am partially at fault also. So I did apologise to him.
So here I am seeking advice. I know I need to win back HB to have a normal healthy family, but am stuck on how, since he does not talk most of time. I have to initiate conversation, but since I do almost everything myself and he is so busy with work, don't know what to talk to break the ice.
I read that some people are able to rid thru the storm and emerge with stronger r/s like your, I really envy. Hope to be able to do so also.
I can live w/o love from HB but given a choice, if he can love me again, I will be even happier. But if cannot, since no expectation it will reduce more future heartpain. But at least if he stays for our daughter, I will still accept.
No, not ranting, nothing to rant about, what has happened has already happened. I have to accept the fact. And I accept the fact that I am partially at fault also. So I did apologise to him.
So here I am seeking advice. I know I need to win back HB to have a normal healthy family, but am stuck on how, since he does not talk most of time. I have to initiate conversation, but since I do almost everything myself and he is so busy with work, don't know what to talk to break the ice.
I read that some people are able to rid thru the storm and emerge with stronger r/s like your, I really envy. Hope to be able to do so also.
I can live w/o love from HB but given a choice, if he can love me again, I will be even happier. But if cannot, since no expectation it will reduce more future heartpain. But at least if he stays for our daughter, I will still accept.
gluttonish
New Member
Maybe just give him some time to settle his issues and emotions.
Seems like he has made a choice, but just need to execute it.
Recovery takes time, but make sure he settles his issue within a acceptable timeframe.
Seems like he has made a choice, but just need to execute it.
Recovery takes time, but make sure he settles his issue within a acceptable timeframe.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"I can live w/o love from HB but given a choice, if he can love me again, I will be even happier. But if cannot, since no expectation it will reduce more future heartpain. But at least if he stays for our daughter, I will still accept."
Since you are all prepared to deal with the worse case scenario, don't see what more you can do now.
Since you are all prepared to deal with the worse case scenario, don't see what more you can do now.
I have been following this forum for the past year, since my own marital problems came to a head. I cried and laughed along with so many of the forum regulars, and held some in really high esteem. Doll, powder, Milo On the ROcks and simpleman are amongst them. However, I feel so compelled to write on this particular thread, that I registered just do it. Yes it may seem inconceivable that someone would still harbour hope to be with her hubby even after an affair. But that is HER decision to make. Now, she has very clearly stated for help from people 'who have managed to salvage marriage' after an affair. She has painfully reached this point of reconcialiation, and we all should not judge that, but rather respect it. If you do not belong to the group of people who've managed to salvage marriage after an affair, in my humble opinion, please don't say anything to make life more difficult for her than it already is. Some things would have to come from personal experience. So yes, she has come in with a frozen mindset, a fact she had already made clear, on the outset. And she has indeed decided. I applaud her for her bravery. If her action offends you, you're probably not someone she can get help from. Saying this with all due respect
A nice article to share. (source: http://blog.tianya.cn/blogger/post_show.asp?BlogID=2241951&PostID=25030951&idWriter=0&Key=0)
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yeelin,
i beg to differ.
while it is true that the TS titled her posting in this way, i dont think responses should be confined to it.
if someone complained to you that driving a car to the Genting casino is tiring but that she will bear with it nevertheless, what do you tell her? bless you for your patience? no ... you would probably tell her she could go by plane to KL, or she could take a relaxing holiday cruise up the west coast of Msia then make her way slowly to KL, or she could take a coach where she can sleep on comfortable reclining seats, or she could get a friend who likes motoring to do the driving.
or you can tell her, go to Malaysia less often, or you can tell her if she liked Malaysia so much, she could consider migrating there in her retirement.
or that altogether she should stop going to malaysia and visit the MBS casino instead.
we shouldn't narrow our responses because in life there are a myriad of options available to people. there is truly no harm receiving feedback from different perspectives, or experimenting with mental simulations on what could be done differently.
if someone tells the woman who frequents Genting casino that she is very stubborn to insist on her tiring weekend trips up north, there is an element of truth in it. if she recognises that, she gains a new perspective. if she doesnt recognise that, she could just dismiss it.
offends? nobody is offended here. i believe we are all just passionate about topics we write about. what is there to get angry about other people's problems?
having different types of feedback that originate from constructive intentions is what makes interactions in a forum more varied, interesting and meaningful
i beg to differ.
while it is true that the TS titled her posting in this way, i dont think responses should be confined to it.
if someone complained to you that driving a car to the Genting casino is tiring but that she will bear with it nevertheless, what do you tell her? bless you for your patience? no ... you would probably tell her she could go by plane to KL, or she could take a relaxing holiday cruise up the west coast of Msia then make her way slowly to KL, or she could take a coach where she can sleep on comfortable reclining seats, or she could get a friend who likes motoring to do the driving.
or you can tell her, go to Malaysia less often, or you can tell her if she liked Malaysia so much, she could consider migrating there in her retirement.
or that altogether she should stop going to malaysia and visit the MBS casino instead.
we shouldn't narrow our responses because in life there are a myriad of options available to people. there is truly no harm receiving feedback from different perspectives, or experimenting with mental simulations on what could be done differently.
if someone tells the woman who frequents Genting casino that she is very stubborn to insist on her tiring weekend trips up north, there is an element of truth in it. if she recognises that, she gains a new perspective. if she doesnt recognise that, she could just dismiss it.
offends? nobody is offended here. i believe we are all just passionate about topics we write about. what is there to get angry about other people's problems?
having different types of feedback that originate from constructive intentions is what makes interactions in a forum more varied, interesting and meaningful
I have replied sporadically but TS did not seem to read or probably thought nothing about what I read.
Nothing is impossible. It is possible to reconcile with her hb but she needs to understand a couple of things to increase her chances of doing so.
Firstly, it is a given that HB will not want to talk about the affair. NO. He won't want to talk about it. PERIOD. She has to learn to accept this first. He won't be able to talk for a long long while about this. If she can't accept this and I know it is natural for her to want to talk about the affair, she will be frustrated. She did not seem to get this point. So, first, learn to accept that there may not be any talks about the affair in the immediate future. If she really wants to know more about the affair and the psyche of the HB, it would be more helpful if she can find someone - could be HB's best friend or whoever, he may trust - for him to confide his feelings and thoughts.
Secondly, there won't be any apology in the short-term. In fact, hb would want everything to be back to normal as if nothing has happened. It may be difficult for TS but she has to. She has to act like nothing has happen.
Thirdly, and she has to continue to love her hb and as attentive as ever. The fact that her hb strayed was because there was a emotional gap that TS cannot fill. So, she has to try to fill this emotional gap. She may not think it is fair for her. Her hb is straying and yet she has to work doubly hard. But this is a reality if she wants to reconcile. The only hope is that through her patience and actions, her hb can "feel" it and can rekindle the love all over again.
If she can't understand the 3 points that I have listed then the best I can advise her is to let him go. And truly live a life separate from him. Eventually to separate physically from him. It is a possibly as a last resort to "wake" him up. When the loss of his wife is imminent, he may wake up.. or she can lose him forever. As I said, this is the last resort.
Nothing is impossible. It is possible to reconcile with her hb but she needs to understand a couple of things to increase her chances of doing so.
Firstly, it is a given that HB will not want to talk about the affair. NO. He won't want to talk about it. PERIOD. She has to learn to accept this first. He won't be able to talk for a long long while about this. If she can't accept this and I know it is natural for her to want to talk about the affair, she will be frustrated. She did not seem to get this point. So, first, learn to accept that there may not be any talks about the affair in the immediate future. If she really wants to know more about the affair and the psyche of the HB, it would be more helpful if she can find someone - could be HB's best friend or whoever, he may trust - for him to confide his feelings and thoughts.
Secondly, there won't be any apology in the short-term. In fact, hb would want everything to be back to normal as if nothing has happened. It may be difficult for TS but she has to. She has to act like nothing has happen.
Thirdly, and she has to continue to love her hb and as attentive as ever. The fact that her hb strayed was because there was a emotional gap that TS cannot fill. So, she has to try to fill this emotional gap. She may not think it is fair for her. Her hb is straying and yet she has to work doubly hard. But this is a reality if she wants to reconcile. The only hope is that through her patience and actions, her hb can "feel" it and can rekindle the love all over again.
If she can't understand the 3 points that I have listed then the best I can advise her is to let him go. And truly live a life separate from him. Eventually to separate physically from him. It is a possibly as a last resort to "wake" him up. When the loss of his wife is imminent, he may wake up.. or she can lose him forever. As I said, this is the last resort.
But just to add.. She may do all the right things.. but she must be prepared still to lose her hb. Doing those things will only increases her chance.. it is not a sure thing. There is no 100% in a relationship.
And if she is not successful, she should not be bitter.. rather that she has tried her best.
The other point I want to add is this. I know she loves her daughter. Which mother won't love their children. But staying in the marriage for the sake for the daughter MAY NOT be the best thing. Yes, she may have the best of intention but it is not necessary the best thing.
One fallacy of parents is that we when we think that something is good for our children, it has to be good. Nothing can be further from the truth. Some parents will learn the painful truth many years later when their children grow up.
But I still do not know if she is staying in the marriage because of her love of her hb or because of her daughter. She has to make a clear distinction. She has to put her daughter aside for the time being and deal with her own feelings. If she is doing for her daughter, her hb can feel it and it won't be a conclusion that she wants.
And if she is not successful, she should not be bitter.. rather that she has tried her best.
The other point I want to add is this. I know she loves her daughter. Which mother won't love their children. But staying in the marriage for the sake for the daughter MAY NOT be the best thing. Yes, she may have the best of intention but it is not necessary the best thing.
One fallacy of parents is that we when we think that something is good for our children, it has to be good. Nothing can be further from the truth. Some parents will learn the painful truth many years later when their children grow up.
But I still do not know if she is staying in the marriage because of her love of her hb or because of her daughter. She has to make a clear distinction. She has to put her daughter aside for the time being and deal with her own feelings. If she is doing for her daughter, her hb can feel it and it won't be a conclusion that she wants.
Hope, you apologised to your husband for ****? No doubt, both parties have a part to play in a broken marriage BUT is finding TOW a solution? If you were in his shoes, what would you expect him to tell you?
And are you sure you are more 'educated' than him? Ok whatever, it's your life so live it in any way you like. None of us can wake you up from your self-denial. Only you can help yourself. The more I read about this thread, the more pissed I get. I better go.
And are you sure you are more 'educated' than him? Ok whatever, it's your life so live it in any way you like. None of us can wake you up from your self-denial. Only you can help yourself. The more I read about this thread, the more pissed I get. I better go.
small_wish
New Member
Hi All
Sorry I am not responding, offline at home.
Understand and appreciate all your concern. You guys are right, I came into this thread with a decision already set that I want to salvage my marriage. I don't see anything wrong in trying to salvage marriage especially when HB wants to stay. The purpose of starting this thread is really to seek advice on how to salvage, due to HB not talking or doing anything. I think Yeelin understands it best my intention. I did not reject everything that is suggested, really, I am reading, I am listening, to see what I can really do single-handedly on my part to salvage, since I don't see any initiative by HB.
sm
Those that you listed, I am doing. Maybe you get me wrong that I am not doing.
Why you said I can't accept the fact that HB don't want to talk on affair? I mentioned few times I didn't demand him to talk on this already. This stage of asking and why is over for me. Altho' I want to know, I am not harping on the affair, just want to move on. Really no point harping on what has happened since no way to turn back the clock. I think you and maybe many others got me wrong in this.
Secondly, I also said a few times I did not need an apology, since I guess it's his man's ego, he will never admit he is wrong. In his heart, he may agree it's wrong to have affair but he thinks it was me who pushed him to TOW. So I really am not asking for apology.
Thirdly, I want to continue to love HB, but he has no time for me.
Isn't my posting here v clear I tried my best to do what I can, not that I am rejecting what was suggested, but many things are just not possible, it is not within my control. For instance, HB spends most of time working even at home, not wanting to talk. So what should I do? I can't force him to stop work and spend time talking to me, it will cause more frustration to him.
Only yeelin got what I mean. I am not here to rant or to grumble or to pour my sorrows. I am here sincerely to see any possibility to salvage my marriage, at least for a try, especially learning from those who have been thru this. I believe there are people who managed to save the marriage after affairs, just hoping to learn from them. HB said I pushed him to look for TOW for love, so I admit my part resulting in the affair also, thus trying my best to avoid the same mistake so as to win him back. Of course, if it still doesn't work and HB still looks elswhere for love, at least I did try. At least I will not regret later since I did try.
A lot of you said should do this do that, but many of these are "should do", the "can do" is really not controllable by me. Which is why I am seeking help on "how to do". Maybe for those who have not gone thru this, it is easy to say should do this, should do that. I am listening and see whether feasible in my case. But yes, as what yeelin said, I really wish to hear from those who have really gone thru this. How they do manage to salvage the marriage and how long did they take. This really is my motive in this thread. My mindset is set to save the marriage, so probably those who advise going for D, looking for freedown and boyfriend are not the advices I am seeking, altho' I do appreciate your suggestion. These are probably what I can do if I fail to save the marriage. As my username suggests, I am not hoping for the sky, I am not hoping for a new me, but just having a small wish to have my family back.
Sorry if I really make anyone angry or misunderstood my intention. I do really appreciate all your suggestion.
Sorry I am not responding, offline at home.
Understand and appreciate all your concern. You guys are right, I came into this thread with a decision already set that I want to salvage my marriage. I don't see anything wrong in trying to salvage marriage especially when HB wants to stay. The purpose of starting this thread is really to seek advice on how to salvage, due to HB not talking or doing anything. I think Yeelin understands it best my intention. I did not reject everything that is suggested, really, I am reading, I am listening, to see what I can really do single-handedly on my part to salvage, since I don't see any initiative by HB.
sm
Those that you listed, I am doing. Maybe you get me wrong that I am not doing.
Why you said I can't accept the fact that HB don't want to talk on affair? I mentioned few times I didn't demand him to talk on this already. This stage of asking and why is over for me. Altho' I want to know, I am not harping on the affair, just want to move on. Really no point harping on what has happened since no way to turn back the clock. I think you and maybe many others got me wrong in this.
Secondly, I also said a few times I did not need an apology, since I guess it's his man's ego, he will never admit he is wrong. In his heart, he may agree it's wrong to have affair but he thinks it was me who pushed him to TOW. So I really am not asking for apology.
Thirdly, I want to continue to love HB, but he has no time for me.
Isn't my posting here v clear I tried my best to do what I can, not that I am rejecting what was suggested, but many things are just not possible, it is not within my control. For instance, HB spends most of time working even at home, not wanting to talk. So what should I do? I can't force him to stop work and spend time talking to me, it will cause more frustration to him.
Only yeelin got what I mean. I am not here to rant or to grumble or to pour my sorrows. I am here sincerely to see any possibility to salvage my marriage, at least for a try, especially learning from those who have been thru this. I believe there are people who managed to save the marriage after affairs, just hoping to learn from them. HB said I pushed him to look for TOW for love, so I admit my part resulting in the affair also, thus trying my best to avoid the same mistake so as to win him back. Of course, if it still doesn't work and HB still looks elswhere for love, at least I did try. At least I will not regret later since I did try.
A lot of you said should do this do that, but many of these are "should do", the "can do" is really not controllable by me. Which is why I am seeking help on "how to do". Maybe for those who have not gone thru this, it is easy to say should do this, should do that. I am listening and see whether feasible in my case. But yes, as what yeelin said, I really wish to hear from those who have really gone thru this. How they do manage to salvage the marriage and how long did they take. This really is my motive in this thread. My mindset is set to save the marriage, so probably those who advise going for D, looking for freedown and boyfriend are not the advices I am seeking, altho' I do appreciate your suggestion. These are probably what I can do if I fail to save the marriage. As my username suggests, I am not hoping for the sky, I am not hoping for a new me, but just having a small wish to have my family back.
Sorry if I really make anyone angry or misunderstood my intention. I do really appreciate all your suggestion.
small_wish
New Member
You know I am reading over and over all your postings a few times trying to listen and learn what are the things I can do to salvage my marriage. I cried over when being misunderstood by many of your posting. After so many postings, only yeelin knows what I am actually looking for.
miloice
Well-Known Member
hi hope, this is absolutely nothing is wrong with the decision to savage the marriage. But, the point I'm trying to bring across to you is it always takes 2 to tango. This is a reality that doesn't change. Whatever things you try to do alone would be really limited to making yourself recover from the episode and to ease his getting over that affair. You cannot work the marriage alone. This is a reality. You can ask every relationship that had worked out, every single one would tell you the same thing. You cannot do it yourself. You must accept this truth. When you are asking the question how do you do it yourself, its as good as slapping yourself on the mouth. You know there is nothing you can do yourself that will savage the marriage. You need him in the picture.
Did I advise you to do ANYTHING that is beyond you? No. I'm asking you to get a grib over yourself and stop being reliant on your husband moods to decide your every action. That isn't going to chase him away at all. I duno why you have this idea that the moment you stop clinging to him like glue, he will somehow leave you. Feeling your love isn't done by you breathing down his neck or something of that sort right?
Think about it. You really need to take back some control over yourself. That is not something BEYOND you at all. When you are more comfortable and less fearful and worrisome, naturally you would ease the tension in a relationship. No matter how you try to hide your fear, its going affect your every action and behavior. You do not even need to say anything, its in the body language, your eyes and expression. This is completely natural. He isn't stupid, he will sense that.
Did I advise you to do ANYTHING that is beyond you? No. I'm asking you to get a grib over yourself and stop being reliant on your husband moods to decide your every action. That isn't going to chase him away at all. I duno why you have this idea that the moment you stop clinging to him like glue, he will somehow leave you. Feeling your love isn't done by you breathing down his neck or something of that sort right?
Think about it. You really need to take back some control over yourself. That is not something BEYOND you at all. When you are more comfortable and less fearful and worrisome, naturally you would ease the tension in a relationship. No matter how you try to hide your fear, its going affect your every action and behavior. You do not even need to say anything, its in the body language, your eyes and expression. This is completely natural. He isn't stupid, he will sense that.
small_wish
New Member
I am not frustrated at the affair anymore. I am not even feeling frustrated for weeks already. I don't even know what is anger now. Don't know why some of you see frustration in me. Probably the only frustration I have now is I am frustrated with myself on what can I do. That's why I am seeking help here.
Misako San
Sorry I don't get what you said "BUT is finding TOW a solution?" I did not look for her and have no intention to look for her. Are you suggesting I should look for her? But I think no meaning. As what I said, what has happened has already happened. I just want to work on saving my marriage. If I don't save my marriage, even if I look for this TOW to leave my HB, there will be more TOWs. So I really need just to work to win my HB back. I really don't know why you are pissed off. I do appreciate those who offer suggestion but I didn't force anyone feeling pissed off to read my posting. Sorry if I make you feel so pissed off. Or maybe those really feel pissed off by me don't have to continued to be pissed off by coming to this thread. Sorry for being crude but I think many have misunderstood my intention.
I really feel v sad. My intention is very simple to ask for advice especially those who have been thru this. But it seems like I make so many people angry. I really don't understand why.
Misako San
Sorry I don't get what you said "BUT is finding TOW a solution?" I did not look for her and have no intention to look for her. Are you suggesting I should look for her? But I think no meaning. As what I said, what has happened has already happened. I just want to work on saving my marriage. If I don't save my marriage, even if I look for this TOW to leave my HB, there will be more TOWs. So I really need just to work to win my HB back. I really don't know why you are pissed off. I do appreciate those who offer suggestion but I didn't force anyone feeling pissed off to read my posting. Sorry if I make you feel so pissed off. Or maybe those really feel pissed off by me don't have to continued to be pissed off by coming to this thread. Sorry for being crude but I think many have misunderstood my intention.
I really feel v sad. My intention is very simple to ask for advice especially those who have been thru this. But it seems like I make so many people angry. I really don't understand why.
miloice
Well-Known Member
hope hope....
why upset over comments in a forum. Come on!
Do you choose to take the positives or the negatives. The choice is really yours. Please realize that the intentions of most of the responses are just as simple as your intentions.
What's worrying is you don't seem to understand many things. Reread everything again. Do you really now understand why the advises are becoming strong? Its really to help wake you up. You are allowing yourself to remain in misery. You can stand up and become strong. For yourself, your kid and the marriage you are trying to savage. Stop the negativity.
I tell you the truth, no one will be happy in a marriage with a person that is always miserable. Not you nor him. You need to let go of your expectations and hopes. Although you kept saying you are not expecting but in reality, the very objective of this thread is just that. So are all the worries you have that is making you so miserable. Don't cling on so hard over your emotions, let it go. Cry all you want if you need but feel better by the end of it. The situation of the marriage is really beyond you. All the continuous trying to find ways you can save it yourself WILL NOT help.
The more balance you try to establish, the more positive and less reliant on him for your every emotion. You need that to remain sane in your marriage. Wake up hope. I will keep pushing you to wake up. Stop trying to fix things that is beyond you and focus on things you can control.
why upset over comments in a forum. Come on!
Do you choose to take the positives or the negatives. The choice is really yours. Please realize that the intentions of most of the responses are just as simple as your intentions.
What's worrying is you don't seem to understand many things. Reread everything again. Do you really now understand why the advises are becoming strong? Its really to help wake you up. You are allowing yourself to remain in misery. You can stand up and become strong. For yourself, your kid and the marriage you are trying to savage. Stop the negativity.
I tell you the truth, no one will be happy in a marriage with a person that is always miserable. Not you nor him. You need to let go of your expectations and hopes. Although you kept saying you are not expecting but in reality, the very objective of this thread is just that. So are all the worries you have that is making you so miserable. Don't cling on so hard over your emotions, let it go. Cry all you want if you need but feel better by the end of it. The situation of the marriage is really beyond you. All the continuous trying to find ways you can save it yourself WILL NOT help.
The more balance you try to establish, the more positive and less reliant on him for your every emotion. You need that to remain sane in your marriage. Wake up hope. I will keep pushing you to wake up. Stop trying to fix things that is beyond you and focus on things you can control.
small_wish
New Member
MiLo On e RoCkS
Yes, I am listening to you. All you said I understand and agree. It takes 2 to tango, I accept this fact, but you know my difficulty? My HB won't tango and I can't force him to tango with me. So if he still doesn't tango, does it mean I should just give up? Which is why I am so helpless now cos' I am alone and he doesn't tango with me. You see why I am seeking help now? I can't even approach anyone he knows to help cos' it will hurt his ego that his family/friends know about his affair, and it will make things worse. I need him in the picture and I will try to bring him in the picture, but can only slowly and only when he is free to give me time to do so. I can't force it by insisting him stopping work to feel my love. I fear him not because I can't live w/o him. But I want to give our marriage a last try before throwing the towel, so at least I have a chance to do so before driving him away. So I am really calm and have no more anger no more questioning as compared to the time I discovered the affair. I cannot by my continued stupidity, do some stupid stuff that give him an excuse to leave before I try, and the trial period is going to be long and trying. So I need patience. I need to know what should I do during this period to win him back.
Yes, I am listening to you. All you said I understand and agree. It takes 2 to tango, I accept this fact, but you know my difficulty? My HB won't tango and I can't force him to tango with me. So if he still doesn't tango, does it mean I should just give up? Which is why I am so helpless now cos' I am alone and he doesn't tango with me. You see why I am seeking help now? I can't even approach anyone he knows to help cos' it will hurt his ego that his family/friends know about his affair, and it will make things worse. I need him in the picture and I will try to bring him in the picture, but can only slowly and only when he is free to give me time to do so. I can't force it by insisting him stopping work to feel my love. I fear him not because I can't live w/o him. But I want to give our marriage a last try before throwing the towel, so at least I have a chance to do so before driving him away. So I am really calm and have no more anger no more questioning as compared to the time I discovered the affair. I cannot by my continued stupidity, do some stupid stuff that give him an excuse to leave before I try, and the trial period is going to be long and trying. So I need patience. I need to know what should I do during this period to win him back.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Hope,
"It takes 2 to tango, I accept this fact, but you know my difficulty? My HB won't tango and I can't force him to tango with me. So if he still doesn't tango, does it mean I should just give up?"
that isn't your difficulty. This is the reality. The difficulty is for you to accept its not for you to give in or up. The situation is hopeless but you do not need to remain hopeless. You can become hopeful REGARDLESS the situation. This is my simple advise for you. To transform your mindset from one that is dependent on the situation to one that is in control despite the situation. You would be in better shape to handle whatever the outcome.
Do all you can to savage it. You can try for a miracle. But, you need to survive that. Can you? You know the likely outcome. This is what I'm trying to help you through. I cannot help change the outcome of things at all. No one is there to cushion the fall for you except yourself. I seriously do not want to read of another tragic suicide story of that kind. The world continues to spin regardless, life goes on. You have to be there for your gal. Get out of the misery and don't push it to how difficult it has been for you.
"It takes 2 to tango, I accept this fact, but you know my difficulty? My HB won't tango and I can't force him to tango with me. So if he still doesn't tango, does it mean I should just give up?"
that isn't your difficulty. This is the reality. The difficulty is for you to accept its not for you to give in or up. The situation is hopeless but you do not need to remain hopeless. You can become hopeful REGARDLESS the situation. This is my simple advise for you. To transform your mindset from one that is dependent on the situation to one that is in control despite the situation. You would be in better shape to handle whatever the outcome.
Do all you can to savage it. You can try for a miracle. But, you need to survive that. Can you? You know the likely outcome. This is what I'm trying to help you through. I cannot help change the outcome of things at all. No one is there to cushion the fall for you except yourself. I seriously do not want to read of another tragic suicide story of that kind. The world continues to spin regardless, life goes on. You have to be there for your gal. Get out of the misery and don't push it to how difficult it has been for you.
Hope,
perhaps you are not so familiar with the nature of internet interaction. interaction is virtual here, so we do not get pissed off or angry as real people would in real life.
I think only Miyako is pissed off, as she herself has said. but i can tell you no one else is. even if this is so, it doesnt matter, because interaction here will not overspill to your actual life.
as i have said, your choice is yours to make. my own intention is to make you aware of the pros of alternative options.
with due respect for your feelings, i do not see why you should feel misunderstood that forumers come in to say things which do not address your question directly. the nature of forum is to give alternative opinions.
just like if you go to a fishmonger and ask for garoupa, he has sold out so he recommends you salmon and starts to talk about the nutritional content of salmon, do you get upset or listen to his information with an open and inquisitive mind?
it is not that we do not know what you want, or that we think that what you want is wrong. it is just that we see that you are facing an uphill task and is likely to become more and more unhappy down the road, so we want to let you know that this road is not the only way. also, some of your beliefs (for eg. only married parents can make daughter truly happy) are open to debate, from the very people who have undergone the same situation as you. so i do not think that the interactions so far in this thread have been irrelevant and useless.
the forumers who answered you include happily married people, divorcees and the recently separated, so what you have gotten is actually a healthy balance and variety of opinions. whereas if you kept to yourself, you would not have the advantage of so many different perspectives.
anyway, pls take care because i can sense your sadness. do not take whatever happens here to heart, but to your head. thanks
perhaps you are not so familiar with the nature of internet interaction. interaction is virtual here, so we do not get pissed off or angry as real people would in real life.
I think only Miyako is pissed off, as she herself has said. but i can tell you no one else is. even if this is so, it doesnt matter, because interaction here will not overspill to your actual life.
as i have said, your choice is yours to make. my own intention is to make you aware of the pros of alternative options.
with due respect for your feelings, i do not see why you should feel misunderstood that forumers come in to say things which do not address your question directly. the nature of forum is to give alternative opinions.
just like if you go to a fishmonger and ask for garoupa, he has sold out so he recommends you salmon and starts to talk about the nutritional content of salmon, do you get upset or listen to his information with an open and inquisitive mind?
it is not that we do not know what you want, or that we think that what you want is wrong. it is just that we see that you are facing an uphill task and is likely to become more and more unhappy down the road, so we want to let you know that this road is not the only way. also, some of your beliefs (for eg. only married parents can make daughter truly happy) are open to debate, from the very people who have undergone the same situation as you. so i do not think that the interactions so far in this thread have been irrelevant and useless.
the forumers who answered you include happily married people, divorcees and the recently separated, so what you have gotten is actually a healthy balance and variety of opinions. whereas if you kept to yourself, you would not have the advantage of so many different perspectives.
anyway, pls take care because i can sense your sadness. do not take whatever happens here to heart, but to your head. thanks
miloice
Well-Known Member
hope, there is a chinese saying, in direct translation : When the sky falls on you, treat it as a blanket.
One can be going through the most difficult times in their lives but it need not be done miserably. It can be so difficult but the person can be positive still if their positivity isn't reliant on the outcome. You are too focused on the outcome that you want. Everything you are doing and saying is all about savaging the marriage. It isn't going to help make things any easier. Transform that to positivity. The spirit of trying your best and happily moving on regardless the outcome. With that, you find your peace within no matter how hard it is.
One can be going through the most difficult times in their lives but it need not be done miserably. It can be so difficult but the person can be positive still if their positivity isn't reliant on the outcome. You are too focused on the outcome that you want. Everything you are doing and saying is all about savaging the marriage. It isn't going to help make things any easier. Transform that to positivity. The spirit of trying your best and happily moving on regardless the outcome. With that, you find your peace within no matter how hard it is.
flyingstar
New Member
hi hope.
don't feel upset by the posts here. some of the forummers just want you to realise yourself what is the main problem in your situation here.
you mentioned many times that if your daughter is happy, you will be happy. and you somehow think that as long you have a "proper" family for your daughter, she will be happy. is her happiness only defined by having daddy and mommy? how about quality time spent together? doing activities as a family? going out shopping/eating as a family?
when is the last time you have done that? the 3 of you together? laughing and talking?
i find that you are very focused on making sure you keep your HB for your daughter's sake that you put yourself last in this family/marriage.
no one can tell you how to salvage a marriage. it really takes 2 hands to clap. both parties must have the same mindset to work at the marriage. see how others have shared in this thread. the HB and Wife work together to salvage the marriage. it is not the effort of 1 person only.
well, for a start, if he says you always focus on daughter and neglect him, then you should start focusing on him. pay attention to his needs? prepare meals for him? give him massage? ask how's his day?
even watching tv together in silence also can...start with little things i guess...
don't feel upset by the posts here. some of the forummers just want you to realise yourself what is the main problem in your situation here.
you mentioned many times that if your daughter is happy, you will be happy. and you somehow think that as long you have a "proper" family for your daughter, she will be happy. is her happiness only defined by having daddy and mommy? how about quality time spent together? doing activities as a family? going out shopping/eating as a family?
when is the last time you have done that? the 3 of you together? laughing and talking?
i find that you are very focused on making sure you keep your HB for your daughter's sake that you put yourself last in this family/marriage.
no one can tell you how to salvage a marriage. it really takes 2 hands to clap. both parties must have the same mindset to work at the marriage. see how others have shared in this thread. the HB and Wife work together to salvage the marriage. it is not the effort of 1 person only.
well, for a start, if he says you always focus on daughter and neglect him, then you should start focusing on him. pay attention to his needs? prepare meals for him? give him massage? ask how's his day?
even watching tv together in silence also can...start with little things i guess...
small_wish
New Member
MiLo On e RoCks and May Ong
Thanks for your continued advice. I am trying to be a better person, to be kinder, to be calmer, to be softer, to be sweeter, not to question and suspect, try to trust HB, so that HB sees a change in me and tango with me to save the marriage. I am not insisting that I need to stay married to make daughter happy. What I am saying since HB agrees to stay, I should give it a last try to save marriage before throwing the towel, so at least not to disrupt the happiness that my daughter has now. I do accept the fact that if despite my trying, HB still does not tango with me, I am willing to give up and will continue other ways to keep my daughter happy. I am sure I can do this.
Ever since the discovery of the affair, somewhat I become v emotional and feel sad easily. Yes, I will try to be strong again and not cry so often. But do you know my HB turns to TOW because I used to be too strong and independent and like don't need him at all, so he turned to someone who needs him more? That's why I am toning down to be a small woman. Not to cheapen myself but to be a wife to a man.
Thanks, I will be strong.
Thanks for your continued advice. I am trying to be a better person, to be kinder, to be calmer, to be softer, to be sweeter, not to question and suspect, try to trust HB, so that HB sees a change in me and tango with me to save the marriage. I am not insisting that I need to stay married to make daughter happy. What I am saying since HB agrees to stay, I should give it a last try to save marriage before throwing the towel, so at least not to disrupt the happiness that my daughter has now. I do accept the fact that if despite my trying, HB still does not tango with me, I am willing to give up and will continue other ways to keep my daughter happy. I am sure I can do this.
Ever since the discovery of the affair, somewhat I become v emotional and feel sad easily. Yes, I will try to be strong again and not cry so often. But do you know my HB turns to TOW because I used to be too strong and independent and like don't need him at all, so he turned to someone who needs him more? That's why I am toning down to be a small woman. Not to cheapen myself but to be a wife to a man.
Thanks, I will be strong.
small_wish
New Member
guy's posting has this "ä½ ä¸€å®šè¦æ‹¿å‡ºå¥³äººæœ€å¼ºçš„é…力，å«åšæ¸©æŸ”ï¼Œä½ è¦æ²‰å¾—ä½æ°”，用最强的é…力——温柔去感化他。†Hope that I can use 温柔去感化他 since he doesn't tango with me now.
small_wish
New Member
Thanks for guy's recommended website. I am continuing read on other meaninful pages on this website.
Small appreciation for all those who have endured my nonsense and show me kindness so far, read this page if you are free :
http://blog.tianya.cn/blogger/post_show.asp?BlogID=2241951&PostID=25369027&idWriter=0&Key=0
There is a conclusion in the ending,
"放下欲望æ‰æ˜¯çœŸæ£çš„幸ç¦â€ã€‚å› ä¸ºä½ æ”¾ä¸‹æ‰èƒ½æ²¡æœ‰æ¬²æœ›çš„，没有欲望æ‰èƒ½å¿ƒå®šä¸Žæ¸…é™ä¸‹æ¥ï¼Œå¿ƒæ¸…é™æ‰èƒ½æ„Ÿå—到舒畅ã€å¿«ä¹å’Œå¹¸ç¦ã€‚
Once again, thank you, guy for the recommendation. I hope I can do all these to find internal peace and get happiness. I also wish happiness follow all of you kind souls forever.
Small appreciation for all those who have endured my nonsense and show me kindness so far, read this page if you are free :
http://blog.tianya.cn/blogger/post_show.asp?BlogID=2241951&PostID=25369027&idWriter=0&Key=0
There is a conclusion in the ending,
"放下欲望æ‰æ˜¯çœŸæ£çš„幸ç¦â€ã€‚å› ä¸ºä½ æ”¾ä¸‹æ‰èƒ½æ²¡æœ‰æ¬²æœ›çš„，没有欲望æ‰èƒ½å¿ƒå®šä¸Žæ¸…é™ä¸‹æ¥ï¼Œå¿ƒæ¸…é™æ‰èƒ½æ„Ÿå—到舒畅ã€å¿«ä¹å’Œå¹¸ç¦ã€‚
Once again, thank you, guy for the recommendation. I hope I can do all these to find internal peace and get happiness. I also wish happiness follow all of you kind souls forever.
Hope,
If you have gone past want to talk about the affair or the apology.. then it is good.. But please when mention it.. you brought it out and brought confusion. If it is already the past as you said, you don't even have to bring them out here for discussion.. Just ask for advices on how to move forward.
As I said, the only thing you can do is be patient and do your best for him to feel your love. But take note, it is your own willingness.. If you fail in your attempt, don't ever blame him.
On another note. to love someone, you have to love yourself first. So you need to find your own life, be genuinely happy even without him. If you are happy, your daughter will be happy. And maybe he can feel it?
And once you can find your happiness - even without him, you may come to the realization that divorce or in marriage is inconsequential. And maybe by then he will need you more than you need him. And you may not even want to be with him.
If you have gone past want to talk about the affair or the apology.. then it is good.. But please when mention it.. you brought it out and brought confusion. If it is already the past as you said, you don't even have to bring them out here for discussion.. Just ask for advices on how to move forward.
As I said, the only thing you can do is be patient and do your best for him to feel your love. But take note, it is your own willingness.. If you fail in your attempt, don't ever blame him.
On another note. to love someone, you have to love yourself first. So you need to find your own life, be genuinely happy even without him. If you are happy, your daughter will be happy. And maybe he can feel it?
And once you can find your happiness - even without him, you may come to the realization that divorce or in marriage is inconsequential. And maybe by then he will need you more than you need him. And you may not even want to be with him.
serene_yam
New Member
Hope...AFter reading all your posts, I'm still very confused here....DO YOU STILL LOVE YOUR HB? or ARE YOU STAYING ON THIS MARRIAGE BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER AND HENCE YOU WANT TO LOVE YOUR HB?
There's a whole deal of difference here...because if you love your hb, you will be putting your heart and soul now to be the xiao nu ren that your hb wants, instead of always trying to find out whether anyone successfully managed to salvage their marriage. Every individual is unique. What works for others may not work for you, and what works for you may not work for others too.
Whereas if you stay on in this marriage because you love your daughter and hence willing to love your hb and be the xiao nu ren that he so desires to have from you, then also, please make sure you concentrate on that and don't think of yourself as the martyr in the end.
One thing I'm worried over here is, if you stay on and change yourself because that's what others want of you and what you think others will be happier with your change....what if, i mean what if (touch wood), what if God takes away your daughter....does it mean that you will want to end your marriage then?....Hope to help you to think through some of your feelings here...
There's a whole deal of difference here...because if you love your hb, you will be putting your heart and soul now to be the xiao nu ren that your hb wants, instead of always trying to find out whether anyone successfully managed to salvage their marriage. Every individual is unique. What works for others may not work for you, and what works for you may not work for others too.
Whereas if you stay on in this marriage because you love your daughter and hence willing to love your hb and be the xiao nu ren that he so desires to have from you, then also, please make sure you concentrate on that and don't think of yourself as the martyr in the end.
One thing I'm worried over here is, if you stay on and change yourself because that's what others want of you and what you think others will be happier with your change....what if, i mean what if (touch wood), what if God takes away your daughter....does it mean that you will want to end your marriage then?....Hope to help you to think through some of your feelings here...
hope,
are u open to the possibility of marital counselling or not? Your husband says he wants to stay on, you want to stay on. You two can't talk straight because he doesn't want to talk about his affair. You feel blocked because you don't know what to say to him to engage his interest. You can suggest to him that maybe going for counselling together can help u2 manage your relationship better. I suggested this earlier, but I did not see/hear any reaction. It sounds as if you did not listen at all.
are u open to the possibility of marital counselling or not? Your husband says he wants to stay on, you want to stay on. You two can't talk straight because he doesn't want to talk about his affair. You feel blocked because you don't know what to say to him to engage his interest. You can suggest to him that maybe going for counselling together can help u2 manage your relationship better. I suggested this earlier, but I did not see/hear any reaction. It sounds as if you did not listen at all.
Hope, no I'm not suggesting that you look for TOW. What I meant was why did you apologize to him for in the first place? If you were in his shoes, meaning you had TOM, what would he say to you? Having problems do not mean one has to stray, but your husband did in this case.
You said that your 'da nu ren' has a part in driving him away. But from what I read from your posts, it seems that you are a meek woman. Or is it you are independent in taking care of your child and do not require any participation from him? Hence resulting in him feeling neglected.
The others gave you alot of constructive advices. Did you practise them? Eg. Cooking for him, massaging him, asking him to join you and your child to shop, dinner, etc? How did he respond? Don't tell he kept quiet all the way. It's really frustrating to live with someone like that. Even a pet reacts better. Does he even love or respect you?
Pardon me for reacting this way because I would speak like this to a friend too, if she is in the same situation.
You said that your 'da nu ren' has a part in driving him away. But from what I read from your posts, it seems that you are a meek woman. Or is it you are independent in taking care of your child and do not require any participation from him? Hence resulting in him feeling neglected.
The others gave you alot of constructive advices. Did you practise them? Eg. Cooking for him, massaging him, asking him to join you and your child to shop, dinner, etc? How did he respond? Don't tell he kept quiet all the way. It's really frustrating to live with someone like that. Even a pet reacts better. Does he even love or respect you?
Pardon me for reacting this way because I would speak like this to a friend too, if she is in the same situation.
hope - glad u found it useful. Here's another snippet from 蔡礼æ—è€å¸ˆ's teaching.
(source: http://www.xuefo.net/show1_7026.htm)
我第一次在海å£è·Ÿä¸€äº›æœ‹å‹åƒé¥ï¼Œåƒé¥çš„时候å了一桌人，其ä¸æœ‰å››ä¸ªæ˜¯å¥³æ€§ã€‚结果了解之下，三个已ç»ç¦»å©šäº†ï¼Œä¸€ä¸ªå‡†å¤‡è¦ç¦»å©šã€‚我们读圣贤书就è¦åŠ›æŒ½ç‹‚æ¾œï¼Œå› ä¸ºå¦å¤–那个女士的儿åæ‰ä¸€å²ï¼Œæˆ‘们ä¸å¸Œæœ›å†è§åˆ°ä¸‹ä¸€ä¸ªæ‚²å‰§ã€‚表é¢æ˜¯åœ¨åƒé¥ï¼Œäº‹å®žä¸Šè„‘åé‡Œåœ¨æƒ³åº”è¯¥æ€Žä¹ˆæ ·è·Ÿå¥¹ä»¬è®²ï¼Œé¥ä¸èƒ½ç™½åƒã€‚所以当è¯é”‹ä¸€è½¬ï¼Œæˆ‘就说夫妻相处有一å¥çœŸç†ï¼Œè¿™ä¸€å¥è¯åšåˆ°äº†ä¿è¯ç™½å¤´å•è€ï¼Œè¿™ä¸€ä½æœ‹å‹çœ¼ç›çžªå¾—很大，耳朵都竖起æ¥äº†ã€‚我就说了，哪一å¥çœŸç†ï¼Ÿç»“婚之åŽï¼Œåªçœ‹å¯¹æ–¹çš„优点，ä¸çœ‹å¯¹æ–¹çš„缺点，åªçœ‹å¯¹æ–¹çš„优点ä¸çœ‹å¯¹æ–¹çš„缺点ï¼
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结果我这个è¯è¯´å®Œï¼Œè¿™ä¸ªåŒäº‹çš±ç€çœ‰å¤´æ²‰æ€ã€‚有一次我在ç 海也是这么讲，我这一å¥è¯è®²å®Œçš„时候，底下一ä½ç 海的女士就说「没有优点ã€ï¼Œæ²¡æœ‰æ€è€ƒç›´æŽ¥å°±å›žç”说没有优点。我就看看她说：「这ä½å¥³å£«ï¼Œæˆ‘真是佩æœä½ çš„å‹‡æ°”ï¼Œæ²¡æœ‰ä¼˜ç‚¹ä½ è¿˜æ•¢å«ç»™å¥¹ã€‚ã€æˆ‘说人都很å¥å¿˜ï¼Œæˆ‘åˆå¼€å§‹æŠŠæˆ‘的「时光回溯机ã€å€Ÿç»™å¥¹ä»¬ï¼Œå«å¥¹ä»¬å回夫妻还未结婚，在çƒæ‹æ—¶çš„情状，所谓åªç¾¡é¸³é¸¯ä¸ç¾¡ä»™ã€‚在çƒæ‹çš„时候，æ¯ä¸€å¤©ä¸‹ç看看手表，「怎么还没å…点åŠï¼Ÿæ—¶é—´æ€Žä¹ˆè¿‡å¾—这么慢？我è¦è·Ÿæˆ‘的朋å‹åŽ»çœ‹ç”µå½±ï¼Œæˆ‘们è¦åŽ»åƒé¥ï¼Œè¿‡å¾—è¿™æ ·æ…¢ã€‚ã€å¿µå¿µéƒ½æƒ³ç€å“ªé‡Œæœ‰å¥½åƒçš„，哪里有好玩的，哪里有好用的，念念都想我能为对方åšä»€ä¹ˆï¼Ÿå½“对方是用这ç§å¿ƒå¢ƒï¼Œå¯¹å¾…ä½ çš„æ—¶å€™ï¼Œä½ çš„å†…å¿ƒæ˜¯ä»€ä¹ˆæ„Ÿè§‰ï¼Ÿå¾ˆèˆ’æœã€å¾ˆæ¸©æš–。甚至于å在哪里åƒé¥ï¼Œåƒåˆ°ä¸€åŠçš„时候还会笑起æ¥ã€‚有没有这ç§ç»éªŒï¼Ÿçƒæ‹çš„时候是这ç§å¿ƒå¢ƒï¼Œç»“果当这个结婚è¯ä¹¦çš„å°ä¸€ç›–下去，手å°ç¾ä¸ŠåŽ»ï¼Œè¿™ä¸ªå¿µå¤´å˜äº†ã€‚本æ¥æ˜¯æˆ‘能为对方åšä»€ä¹ˆï¼Œç»“婚之åŽå˜æˆä»–应该替我åšä»€ä¹ˆã€‚所以有一å¥è¯å«å©šå§»æ˜¯çˆ±æƒ…的什么？åŸå¢“ã€‚ä½ ä»¬è¯´çš„ï¼Œæˆ‘æ²¡æœ‰è®²ã€‚æ‰€ä»¥ä½ çœ‹ä¸€å¿µä¹‹å·®ï¼Œä»Žå¤©å ‚åˆ°å“ªé‡ŒåŽ»äº†ï¼Ÿå¤©å ‚è·Ÿåœ°ç‹±æ˜¯è°é€ æˆçš„ï¼Ÿè‡ªå·±ã€‚åœ¨è¿™é‡Œï¼Œä¸€å¿µä¹‹é—´å¤©å ‚å¯ä»¥å˜åœ°ç‹±ï¼Œåœ°ç‹±ä¹Ÿå¯ä»¥å˜å¤©å ‚。
(source: http://www.xuefo.net/show1_7026.htm)
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结果我这个è¯è¯´å®Œï¼Œè¿™ä¸ªåŒäº‹çš±ç€çœ‰å¤´æ²‰æ€ã€‚有一次我在ç 海也是这么讲，我这一å¥è¯è®²å®Œçš„时候，底下一ä½ç 海的女士就说「没有优点ã€ï¼Œæ²¡æœ‰æ€è€ƒç›´æŽ¥å°±å›žç”说没有优点。我就看看她说：「这ä½å¥³å£«ï¼Œæˆ‘真是佩æœä½ çš„å‹‡æ°”ï¼Œæ²¡æœ‰ä¼˜ç‚¹ä½ è¿˜æ•¢å«ç»™å¥¹ã€‚ã€æˆ‘说人都很å¥å¿˜ï¼Œæˆ‘åˆå¼€å§‹æŠŠæˆ‘的「时光回溯机ã€å€Ÿç»™å¥¹ä»¬ï¼Œå«å¥¹ä»¬å回夫妻还未结婚，在çƒæ‹æ—¶çš„情状，所谓åªç¾¡é¸³é¸¯ä¸ç¾¡ä»™ã€‚在çƒæ‹çš„时候，æ¯ä¸€å¤©ä¸‹ç看看手表，「怎么还没å…点åŠï¼Ÿæ—¶é—´æ€Žä¹ˆè¿‡å¾—这么慢？我è¦è·Ÿæˆ‘的朋å‹åŽ»çœ‹ç”µå½±ï¼Œæˆ‘们è¦åŽ»åƒé¥ï¼Œè¿‡å¾—è¿™æ ·æ…¢ã€‚ã€å¿µå¿µéƒ½æƒ³ç€å“ªé‡Œæœ‰å¥½åƒçš„，哪里有好玩的，哪里有好用的，念念都想我能为对方åšä»€ä¹ˆï¼Ÿå½“对方是用这ç§å¿ƒå¢ƒï¼Œå¯¹å¾…ä½ çš„æ—¶å€™ï¼Œä½ çš„å†…å¿ƒæ˜¯ä»€ä¹ˆæ„Ÿè§‰ï¼Ÿå¾ˆèˆ’æœã€å¾ˆæ¸©æš–。甚至于å在哪里åƒé¥ï¼Œåƒåˆ°ä¸€åŠçš„时候还会笑起æ¥ã€‚有没有这ç§ç»éªŒï¼Ÿçƒæ‹çš„时候是这ç§å¿ƒå¢ƒï¼Œç»“果当这个结婚è¯ä¹¦çš„å°ä¸€ç›–下去，手å°ç¾ä¸ŠåŽ»ï¼Œè¿™ä¸ªå¿µå¤´å˜äº†ã€‚本æ¥æ˜¯æˆ‘能为对方åšä»€ä¹ˆï¼Œç»“婚之åŽå˜æˆä»–应该替我åšä»€ä¹ˆã€‚所以有一å¥è¯å«å©šå§»æ˜¯çˆ±æƒ…的什么？åŸå¢“ã€‚ä½ ä»¬è¯´çš„ï¼Œæˆ‘æ²¡æœ‰è®²ã€‚æ‰€ä»¥ä½ çœ‹ä¸€å¿µä¹‹å·®ï¼Œä»Žå¤©å ‚åˆ°å“ªé‡ŒåŽ»äº†ï¼Ÿå¤©å ‚è·Ÿåœ°ç‹±æ˜¯è°é€ æˆçš„ï¼Ÿè‡ªå·±ã€‚åœ¨è¿™é‡Œï¼Œä¸€å¿µä¹‹é—´å¤©å ‚å¯ä»¥å˜åœ°ç‹±ï¼Œåœ°ç‹±ä¹Ÿå¯ä»¥å˜å¤©å ‚。
small_wish
New Member
Serene Yam
I would love to love him as HB but v scared to be hurt again, cos' I don't know what is he thinking. So will love but has to lower expectation that he might not not love me but just stay for the sake of daughter. Lower expectation = less hurt and pain in future.
Miyako San
I don't know how to cook. Did massage for him before, and he perpetually busy, how to request him to join us to shop, dinner, etc? After discovery of affair, we did went for a tour as a family cos tour booked before discovery. But got comments from him "You thought I want to come ah?"
See my earlier posts, yes, I am independent in many ways, to the extent that life can go on with or w/o him. But he is so busy, how to ask him to do anything? Like what I said earlier, it is really a vicious cycle. He is always not free, so I have to do most things myself. He is not free to spend time with us, so he felt neglected and looked for TOW. But question is if he is not free, why does he has time to look for TOW?
sm
This brings out the reason why the issue of TOW was brought up. Not to harp on the fact on why is there TOW and the affair. But why he has no time for us but has time for TOW is a question mark that will remain forever in my mind. I will never be able to get an answer, and knowing him, I will not press for an answer either.
hweebs
Did I mention time is a factor? Will he have time to go counselling? Don't know, maybe can try and ask one of these days when he looks freer.
guy
I am reading the articles, very meaningful.
Thanks.
I would love to love him as HB but v scared to be hurt again, cos' I don't know what is he thinking. So will love but has to lower expectation that he might not not love me but just stay for the sake of daughter. Lower expectation = less hurt and pain in future.
Miyako San
I don't know how to cook. Did massage for him before, and he perpetually busy, how to request him to join us to shop, dinner, etc? After discovery of affair, we did went for a tour as a family cos tour booked before discovery. But got comments from him "You thought I want to come ah?"
See my earlier posts, yes, I am independent in many ways, to the extent that life can go on with or w/o him. But he is so busy, how to ask him to do anything? Like what I said earlier, it is really a vicious cycle. He is always not free, so I have to do most things myself. He is not free to spend time with us, so he felt neglected and looked for TOW. But question is if he is not free, why does he has time to look for TOW?
sm
This brings out the reason why the issue of TOW was brought up. Not to harp on the fact on why is there TOW and the affair. But why he has no time for us but has time for TOW is a question mark that will remain forever in my mind. I will never be able to get an answer, and knowing him, I will not press for an answer either.
hweebs
Did I mention time is a factor? Will he have time to go counselling? Don't know, maybe can try and ask one of these days when he looks freer.
guy
I am reading the articles, very meaningful.
Thanks.