Anyone managed to salvage marriage?

[small_wish]

little woman
He just said will stay but didn't apologise. I really can't insist him aplogizing but the point is since he said he will stay, I don't think it is right for me to say D.

Shanna
A mother's duty is never ending even when the kid is grown up. But at least now she is more fragile at tender age, don't think it is right to disrupt her happiness. She knows I am financially independent as I earn more than HB who is self employed. She can understand this but I doubt she will be able to understand why can't daddy and mummy be together? Why her friends' daddy and mummy can be together.

 

[kittenpie]

i may be getting a little presumptuous ...

is he actually very reliant and dependent on you, more so than you are on him?

for example, if you divorce, it would bring him a tremendous inconvenience that he is not willing to handle?

 

[small_wish]

May Ong
I really don't know why he wants to stay. He won't say. That's why I am so clueless. Don't understand.

Thanks for all of you well wishers. Don't really want to consider D just hope to move on. I know I am stubborn in this aspect but since he said will stay, just don't wish to D. Whether he apologise or not is not important to me. Things already happened, apologise or not any difference. Maybe it's man's ego that he will not admit wrong. Maybe he still thinks I force him to turn to TOW. So insisting on apologies only makes things turn ugly.

 

[small_wish]

May Ong
He is not reliant and dependent on me. He earns less than me, but still financially independent. Money is not an issue in our family. He is only dependent on me on all the daughter's aspects, cos' he is too busy at work to attend to daughter, also don't know how to attend to her needs and study.

In fact, when I discovered this affairs, he keeps insisting he wanted to leave, cos he finds love in TOW.

 

[kittenpie]

oh no ... im sorry to hear that, Hope...

it must have been very sad for you to hear him insisting to be with TOW

 

[small_wish]

So giving him love will win him back? He is so busy even at home, want to love also no time to accept my love.

 

[kittenpie]

so, in conclusion, it is going to be a loveless marriage for the sake of the daughter?

 

[small_wish]

May Ong
So it is already a big breakthrough now that he is willing to stay. That's why I have no wish to keep asking on the affairs, he will say pressurised by me, and want to leave again.

So to me it is already a great improvement. Don't wish to dwell on same issue why this happens. And I think man's ego is what we woman don't understand. When he courts you, he don't need his ego. But when you are married to him, suddenly this ego thing is very important to him. So I don't see any chance he will ever apologise.

 

[miloice]

Like I can't force him to talk more, same I also can't force him to spend more time with daughter. He quotes "Busy with work, even at home."

Frankly hope, do you FEAR your husband? He is like God to you. His comments are your commandments and you cannot question and communicate with him at all. Why is that so?

I see a major self-defeating issue with your thinking. Instead of going all out to push for solutions, you sit there passive and clueless. Come here and ask stranger this or that can or not. I tell you straight, NOTHING will work if you guys don't communicate. How to feel the love? There is zero connection, let alone intimacy of any kind. I would be damn frustrated with a relationship this clueless. I suspect your self-esteem is also very much affected. Start believing in yourself and what you believe in. Push for open communication to find out his side of the story and push for ways to improve your relationship with him.

You want to work on the marriage, then you must take steps to realize it. Not guess this guess that. The more you do this kind of guessing, the more frustrating it is for the both of you.

 

[kittenpie]

i see ...

anyway, try to cheer up since you have decided to move on. watch some comedy on tv, go out jalan jalan, have some nice food, play with your daughter.

there are still many fun things in life to do.

 

[kittenpie]

by the way, i do not agree with the following statement:

===============================================

And I think man's ego is what we woman don't understand. When he courts you, he don't need his ego. But when you are married to him, suddenly this ego thing is very important to him. So I don't see any chance he will ever apologise.

================================================

i think there is no need to be always like that.

but it is alright, we can all agree to disagree.

 

[simpleman]

As I mentioned, you need to understand the psyche of the wayward.

They may not necessary be repentant nor apologize.. at least not till later..

If you can't understand this point then it is going to be difficult for you.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Maybe you should apologise to him instead for making him turn to TOW???

 

[xylon]

"Sincerely hope to save marriage but don't know how."

"My kid is a happy kid no matter what happens in the family. Don't wish to make her sad by D. Me happy or not is not important. "

Hi Hope, I applaud your selflessness, putting your daughter's interest before that of yourself.

Here's a link for your reference.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kpumxnu5w3A

Hope things turn out well for you.

 

[small_wish]

MiLo On e RoCks
I used to not fear him, but now ya, maybe I am fearful I did something wrong, and he wants to leave.

doLL
I did apologise to him.

So maybe that's why he agreed to stay. But no time so no chance for love and communication which I afraid later he will quote "No care and concern" from me again. But strange, no time for me and daughter, got time for TOW. But I can't even ask why like that.

Going home to see any hope now. Thanks for all your advices.

 

[miloice]

Fearing him isn't going to make things better. It is going to make him more frustrated with you. Why make the relationship so tense and fearful? I can picture the kind of tension there is.

"I am fearful I did something wrong, and he wants to leave."

Have you thought that your fearful behavior is driving him away. Make him fall in love with you again. Be confident and attractive. Don't beg for his affection in such a desperation. It cheapens your self-worth and reduces whatsoever respect he has for you.

Its really a vicious cycle. The more you worry he would leave, the more your marriage is straining and driving him out.

Take it easy, focus more on yourself and find your own peace. Be confident and let that attraction shine. Regardless your outcome of your marriage, you can still survive it.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Make him fall in love with you again."

Can meh when there is no communication and couple time?

 

[kittenpie]

personally, i dont quite understand why women should make their husbands the centre of their lives (after their children) especially when something like that happens.

it is as if their lives have been hit by earthquake.

life is actually so fun and interesting. funny movies to watch in the theatre, new restaurant and clubs opening, inexpensive air travel, comical nonsense on tv ... humour websites on the internet ... there are so different things to do and try out everyday. should not waste time and heartache on people who do not deserve it.

sometimes try to be a bit more light-hearted, problems will become easier to bear.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Well, May, many of these women will tell you it is for the sake of their children.

 

[kittenpie]

nah, i dedicate this nonsense website to cheer all you sad people up:

http://www.urlesque.com/

enjoy

 

[kittenpie]

doll, why cant they think of it as a change that would give them a new lease of life?

for example, now that they do not have a husband, they can try new activities like making new friends and picking up new hobbies.

in other words: FREEDOM.

but then, im not a mum, so i cannot understand the pains of a mum.

 

[miloice]

Doll, can if she start being less tense with things. Its stressing them both. If she takes it easier, probably, it would be more comfortable to open up. She cannot just force and dig without realizing how she is behaving is probably contributing to it. She needs to break out of that vicious cycle first and not hope for a miracle.

 

[sgbabydoll]

May, whether to stay or leave the marriage, one has to be happy with the decision which does not equate to resign to fate. Don't decide to stay on now for the children and years later when they grow up, you start to lament that time waits for nobody.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Milo, I don't believe in making someone fall in love with me, definitely not an estranged husband. It has nothing to do with whether I can or cannot make him do that, but I think I have other better things to do with my time.

Ignoring the spouse is like putting a death sentence on him/her. At least have some courtesy and say please give me some time to think and I will talk to you later.

 

[miloice]

Doll, its not really for the husband. My advise is really for her to restore her self confidence and belief. Regardless how the marriage outcome is, she would be in a much better position and frame to handle it.

Looking at her sharing now, its really worrying. Just hanging on some silly hope.

 

[poitto]

Wat if one day he depends on more TOW (maybe another TOW whom earns more than u)and leave you? or you actually secretly hope it happens so that the guilt wont be on u... So that one day when ur gal ask, u can be guilt-free and tell her "ur daddy is the one that requested for D"

 

[small_wish]

Hi Friends
Thanks for all your advices altho' I was offline.

Yes, I wish I could make him fall in love with me again, but like what doLL said, no communication, no couple time, so don't really know how. If he wants so much care and concern and love (that's why he looked to TOW for these), I really wish I can win him back with love, cos I also scared there is 2nd time, 3rd time, etc. It may be correct that I should focus on myself and my child and don't focus on him (ya, why bother with this type of man who has hurt me?), but isn't this going to be a vicious cycle? Reason for his affair is I focused on daughter not him, so he looked for love elsewhere. So if I again don't focus on him, isn't it pushing him to TOW? Really in dilemma.

HB is not that bad, he does talk just don't wish to talk abt the affair. I guess he does not wish to talk abt affair cos' he feels bad towards robbing TOW's virginity. Looks like TOW is pressurising him also, so he is at a loss. But the only thing I want to talk and know is about the affair, nothing else that I can talk to him either, and he will not take initiative to talk.

poitto,
HB don't depend on me or TOW financially. His TOW is only a lowly educated clerk. Not pretty either, plain Jane. So don't think he will leave if there is another richer TOW. I think it is man's ego. I earn more than him, more highly educated than him, drive daughter to and fro classes myself, can do most things w/o him, not even scared of cockroaches, v independent. So it is more like he wants someone who needs him to prove his worth. So I thought I should quieten and tone down now, be small woman, to let him have his ego then he will accept me? Should start jumping around when see cockroaches?

Did read up on marital affairs stuff. Some advocated that some can salvage the marriage but not easy, it is a long process. So I started this thread not to ask for pity, but more for opinion of anyone who has ridden thru storms and see sunlight. If can, how and how long? I do not mean I will / must succeed, but more as a discussion so that at least I try to salvage my marriage and in the event cannot, at least I can bravely tell my daughter I did try.

Once again, heartfelt thanks to all.

 

[kittenpie]

I guess he does not wish to talk abt affair cos' he feels bad towards robbing TOW's virginity. Looks like TOW is pressurising him also, so he is at a loss

=================================================

your husband is a cad to do this to the TOW if her first time really mattered very much to her.

not to mention that the TOW is very foolish to get herself into a mess like this.

when people are as stupid as this, they kind of deserve each other ...

i think for the time being, just go with the flow. give him affection if he behaves himself like a good boy, and ignore him if his behavior is not pleasing to you. do not exert any pressure on him. it is a matter of time before he reveals what he truly wants, his true desire -whether to stay with you permanently, or to follow his heart and go with TOW.

pls loh, no need to change yourself to become Small Woman. by doing this, you are unwinding woman's progress by 30 years, what benefit would you get from it. i don't think you are serious when you mention this, anyway.

but one thing is true - to an outsider looking in, as your husband said, you really do OverFocus on your daughter. even your decision to take your husband back is a result of your commitment to her to give her a 'complete' family. your husband is being used as a prop on a stage where your daughter hogs the limelight. don't you think that he knows about this role he plays in the family, and this is not likely to make him feel good especially after he had a brief taste of freedom?

just a thought

 

[serene_yam]

Hope, get your expectations and priorities right first. Once you are done with that, put your heart and soul to it. Be it whether you are staying with your HB or leaving him, at least you know you will put in your 100% effort.

 

[kittenpie]

one thing also - some men like to be handled and sayang like a baby. they like being a couple that is all about the two of them. they like being the centre of attention of their women's lives.

does not sound mature or simply poor material for paternal and fathering purpose. but such men do exist as a matter of fact. your husband may belong to this catgory.

 

[miloice]

hi hope,

u wrote : "It may be correct that I should focus on myself and my child and don't focus on him (ya, why bother with this type of man who has hurt me?), but isn't this going to be a vicious cycle? Reason for his affair is I focused on daughter not him, so he looked for love elsewhere. So if I again don't focus on him, isn't it pushing him to TOW? Really in dilemma"

not really. You are assuming that somehow you can keep the marriage by focusing on him. Face it, the communication has already shut down. You cannot beg or cry to open it. So, your idea that focusing on yourself and child should somehow shut the communication is not correct. You cannot shut a communication that is non existent already.

Instead, you are taking steps to regain a grib over your life. This is becoming realistically important. At the same time, encourage his involvement in the family. Regardless whether you guys are in love, the roles as parents never ceases. It would help him feel less distant from the both of you. You find your own balance in your life. He doesn't need you to be a clingy sticky woman all the time. Its very fan one. Don't panick and worry over things you have no control with.

 

[nylek]

hi hope,

i'm in same situation on extra marital affairs but what is different is my husband has been asking me to go back for 2.5 months already, i have not give in yet and still dragging... btw i'm 29 yo with a 4.5 mths bb... whatever decision i make is a turning pt in my life hence i don't want to rush things. Plus, I discovered mentality clashes in us that really impacts the marriage in long run... he promised to change but will he "really" change and embrace these changes? if not, i must have the mentality to accept him for who he is.

do you know how long has the affair been? my opinion is he is not even repentant and doesn't recognise his own mistakes. He puts the blame on you. Did u force him to go for an affair? Even if love doesn't exist in both of you, shouldnt he be responsible enough to just divorce you first before going for someone else?

So Why did he not divorce you? He is at a comfort level where he may not want to make much change to his life. And you mentioned ego, how is he going to face family members and relatives? The way you gladly welcome him back, he will "learn" that his wife is willing to compromise on affairs.

To love your daughter, please love yourself more first. When you are unhappy, it has a negative impact on you and this spreads and impacts other areas of your life and closest kins too.

but bottomline is you ask yourself, can you accept that few years down the road, if he have another affair again and this time round, he just move out of house leaving you and your daughter and not even a reason given to you?
If you can accept this or even worser case scenario, by all means to continue staying with him, because anything better will be considered a bonus.

 

[lovingyou]

Hope: He is reliant on you in relation to taking care of your daughter etc, and gave excuse that he made that mistake coz you focus too much on his daughter and left no love for him? This is purely reasons justifying his actions... I can understand those fear that you are facing now but the point is is ur fear caused by you can't lose him coz you love him too much or purely for the sake of the family and daughter?

A question for you to ponder about: You can give him another chance but things can happen again and again, knowing well that there is a high possibility that you will give him chances and chances, do you think you will be happy in such a marriage?

I am not saying that you should proceed with the D stage now or the marriage is beyond salvaging, like you said, it is a long process but most importantly is both parties gotta to make it work, have the determination and mindset to do it... One party can't do miracles...

 

[small_wish]

May Ong
Ya, I also find it strange. If he cares so much of robbing other's virginity, shouldn't he not do this in the first place, knowing he is married and can't commit to her? I find it strange also why an unmarried woman who knows he is married with kid still so willingly gives and so many times? What's happening to this world? I wish I know the answers. But again, did ask him before with no answer and cannot continue asking in order not to pressurise him. I think this TOW knows the consequences but still did such things, either plain stupid (she is lowly educated) or for money sake (she comes from poor family), or simply enjoy it (since she allows so many times). Now she is just using her "precious virginity" as a weapon to pressurize my HB. How do you deal with this? How to stop her? Another question mark.

MiLo On e RoCks,
The communication has not really shut down. HB will talk but not on the affair, but will not take initiative to talk and I have always have to initiate conversation. V tiring, cos I also have nothing to talk. Also he is busy, no time to listen to me talking. Talk more = more pressures to him cos he can't finish his work.

How to get him involved in family? He keeps saying busy busy. Since he is busy and I can do almost all things myself, so I handle myself and don't disturb him. I am not really over focus on daughter but since he is so busy, I just have to do all by myself. End result, he didn't feel love from me cos he feels I focus on daughter. What can I say?

Nylek
You have better bargaining power than me. At least he is asking you to go back. For my case, I am asking him to stay that's why I am just afraid I do something he doesn't like, then he has excuse to leave. Which is why I think now that he said he will stay is a great breakthrough for me. I rather not harp now the why and why of the affair but just move on. But it's like I have to initiate everything and I don't know what to initiate. Nothing actually I need him to do and say. I just would wish I know where his heart belongs now.

He don't need to face family members and relatives. No one except some of my friends (whom I pour out the pain) knows. Knowing he is so egoistic, how to tell his family? It will be another war if I tell.

 

[gluttonish]

Hi Hope,

I was in your situation 9 months ago. I found out that my hubby has an affair, and TOW requested to meet me without his knowledge. He ended his relationship with that girl immediately, but our marriage is badly stranded at that time.

After the whole episode, we worked really hard to salvage the mariage. He stayed home more, communicated more. While I try to reflect on my own behaviour, watching my temper, learning to manage my own emotion. I've also learnt to be more gentle, and shower him with more TLC. And I believe, we have emerged stronger after this incident.

As always, marriage is hard work. Both parties need to work really really hard to make it work. I do suffer from panic attacks every now and then, and that affects him as well. But we know right from the start that this journey isn't going to be easy, isn't it? Couples are meant to go thru high and lows together, there are hardly any fairytale marriage around these days. I'm still learning to manage the panic attacks, and trying to restore the trust in him.

Its a long and hard road down this marriage, and no certainity that such things will not happen again. But I have no regrets walking down this road, as long as I've tried my best.

 

[miloice]

Hope,

busy all the time = no time management mostly.

In fact, more likely his excuse not to talk. He needs to realize the enjoyment of family time to feel not left out. Don't fear him. There are serious issues in your marriage and family life. Talk to him. Not just for the both of you, as you mentioned, your child needs the father. Bring them closer and involve in the bonding. He will enjoy it when he experience the connection with her.

About TOW, what's so hard to understand? Humans are emotional. We don't just love in fall only when a list of prerequisites are in place. We just fall in love naturally. Hard to understand meh?

 

[hweebs]

hope,

go for marriage counselling since both want to save marriage but dunno how to

All the best!

 

[kittenpie]

How do you deal with this? How to stop her? Another question mark

================================================

Hope, she is a loser. in your shoes, i will treat her as a non-factor. because i do not lower myself by tussling with losers.

you should not do anything about her because you are above her.

your husband is as loserish as her to be involved with her. how do you feel living with a loser?

TOW has nothing to do with you. she doesnt owe you anything or an explanation. unless you wish to sue your husband for adultery and name her as an adulteress.

=================================================
I just would wish I know where his heart belongs now.
=================================================

only time can tell, but seems not likely with you.

 

[small_wish]

littlewoman
Yes, there is a possibility that's why I am afraid there may be 2nd TOW, 3rd TOW, etc, so hoping can win him back again. But again, since now he said he will stay, I can't simply say D w/o trying. This is the only chance I give to try out, don't think I can endure if another time. So really hope to try out.

 

[xylon]

Now she is just using her "precious virginity" as a weapon to pressurize my HB. How do you deal with this? How to stop her? Another question mark.

Its simple, 2 wrongs don't make a right, and a kid will lose her dad if your HB goes with TOW.

 

[gluttonish]

Honestly, you don't have to worry about the TOW, because its not under your control anyway. It is their relationship, so let them handle or end it themselves.

What you can only do is to work on your own marriage.

 

[small_wish]

May Ong
Not that I want anything to do with TOW. But she is using her "loss" sort of to threaten HB, probably causing HB not wanting to do anything, cos' choose left and right also wrong. I never even meet TOW before and can't even call her, cos HB don't allow. But this will continue to be bugging him even if he really wants to be with the family.

 

[matka]

Hope, your hb owes a lot more to you and your daughter than TOW's virginity. I think he knows that very well.

About the TOW's pressure tactic - it's guilt that's bugging him.

 

[miloice]

Hope, the reason why the threatening work points back to your husband really. You really need to wake up. You have no say and control over your own marriage. You allow him take complete control. And now, you focus on the TOW. Open your eyes! The problem is right in front of you. Don't look elsewhere. It will not solve your problem. He can just find another woman.

You are contradicting yourself big time. One moment saying you are not hoping anything about the marriage and then worry this worry that. Think about TOW etc. Learn to face your problem and deal with it. Don't transfer your attention on things that will not help you at all! You are damn stubborn in sticking to your own dream. If this is how you always communicate with your partner, then I can understand why he is frustrated with you.

 

[small_wish]

I know what you guys mean. Need both to make the r/s works. How I wish we can. For Gluttionish, her HB ended the r/s with TOW and worked with her to salvage the marriage. It's really heart-warming to hear it is possible to salvage marriage, and it only took them 9 months. My siuation is bad, too many question marks. HB said break off but she is in same office, how to know whether really broken off or not. Knowing she is still pressurizing HB, I doubt so and this could be reason why HB not making effort to save the marriage, cos he still don't know what to do with TOW.

Yes, I can only try my best to win him back. But only one-sided, difficult. You guys are right to say he should have done this, he should have done that. But all these are what he should do, and I can't make him do! I can only do what I can do and see what is the response. So sad.

 

[small_wish]

MiLo On e RoCkS
How do I have say and control over my marriage? I can list down my demands and my wishes to him, then he will say I am demanding and then rather be with TOW. How?

I am not hoping he loves me as long as he stays and loves my daughter cos I really don't know whether he will love me or not. But of course I would like if he can love me again, so that he will not look elsewhere for love.

I am not transferring attention. I stop the blaming game long ago, now just want to focus on giving the r/s a last try. Why should he be frustrated at me? In fact, I am so silent compared to the old me. No more questioning, no more suspicion, no more quarrels.

 

[miloice]

Hope, it always take 2 to tango. This is essential for any relationship to function. You cannot fear him and just hope. I tell you straight that your hope is hopeless this way. It will never work.

Even if you just want a non functional marriage in name, you will need him to agree to be in it with you.

Everything you also say cannot and how you wish for. This is exactly why he would be frustrated with you. And you are completely blind to your self defeating thinking. Stop worrying for things that you totally have no control over. You have no idea how frustrating it is to deal with someone with your self defeating mindset. Nothing is going to change by itself.

"I can only do what I can do and see what is the response. So sad." You can wake up and stop being sad. Wonder why are you sad? The disappointment comes with the expectation and hope that you placed. One hand you said, u r not expecting and on the other, you are still waiting for that response. Wake up.

 

[serene_yam]

Hi Hope, while I definitely don't view what TOW has done is right, I don't think the way she behaves has anything to do with her educational level and financial background. It's more of the emotional development and psychological growth of the person, both TOW and your HB have issues in life, that could be deeply-rooted. Likewise, you might also have some issues within yourself to deal with.

TOW might be more lovey-dovey towards him, less stronger than you, because you are the more independent and strong one, that's the point of attraction about TOW for your HB perhaps. Do you think that by changing yourself for the sake of your HB's preference, he'll love you more as a result? I beg to differ, because he might end up detesting you even more, because the initial attraction of him towards you wouldn't be about the lovey-dovey pointer (because how much difference can you be, if you've been showing your true self to him all the time, unless he has a misconception of you right from the start of relationship?).

As for TOW, there's no point for you to keep harping on that. It's your HB you ought to focus on, if you want. One thing for sure, if your HB is one who has the discipline, integrity and respect for relationships, no matter what TOW has done, he would not give in to having an affair. Most probably, your HB is still a young kid at heart, he doesn't want to accept responsibilities for his own actions. That's why he kept pushing the blame onto you. So what if you become more lovey-dovey towards him in the process? If a man's heart is of the straying type, he'll always find a better excuse to say that it's all your fault. How many times do you want to keep changing? To the extent that you lose even your real self???

Your daughter won't be happy seeing such a set of 'model' parents. What you ought to give her is happiness with the heart, not simply because 'My kid is a happy kid no matter what happens in the family. Don't wish to make her sad by D. Me happy or not is not important.' If your daughter is indeed a happy kid, she'll want to see her parents really happy too, not just for show. Kids are extremely sensitive, they KNOW exactly who really love them from the heart. And for that, they also wish true happiness for that particular parent.

 

[small_wish]

MiLo On e RoCkS
You said "Even if you just want a non functional marriage in name, you will need him to agree to be in it with you."
He did agree to stay. So other than working to keep the family, what can I do?

It takes 2 to tango. I want to but if he doesn't, what can I do? He doesn't want to initiate conversation, what can I do other than try to find things to talk?

I really don't know what you mean by he would be frustrated with me. Frustated with me for not controlling him? Frustrated with me for making him apologise or talk? I did not worry about things I have no control, I don't even talk to him on affair or TOW. Why should I worry since I can't do anything on this? Sorry I don't get you.

Are you suggesting D since I can't control what he should do or make him apologise? You want me to wake up on what? To flare up with him on the why and why of the affair? To continue questioning and fighting?

 

[small_wish]

Serene Yam and all other dear friends
Really, I am not harping on what has happened and what TOW has done or going to do. I just want to move on. I can be happy as long as my daughter is happy, but I can't make HB happy. Unless the only way is to let him go to TOW.