Anyone managed to salvage marriage?

[small_wish]

Anyone been thru hurt of extra marital affairs able to salvage marriage? Sincerely hope to save marriage but don't know how. Husband has affair but not wishing to talk about affair, so don't know what he wants but he said he will stay. Any sincere advice, no jokes, no poking fun, please, cos I have been seriously hurt but still want to save marriage. Thanks in advance.

 

[kittenpie]

why are you so sure you still want to stay married to him?

is it to make yourself happy?

do you think he will be happy staying married to you? what is his motivation in agreeing to stay with you?

you can't unilaterally 'save' a marriage, you know. it has to be a collateral effort.

 

[kittenpie]

sometimes ... you cant force people to talk to you, unless they are ready to talk to you.

how long has he imposed the embargo on the topic of his affair? depending on the situation, you may have to wait before he can open up to you again

 

[small_wish]

Hi May Ong
Thanks for fast response.

He said he broke off with TOW already and will stay. So shouldn't I believe and give the marriage a chance rather than just D? Don't feel should just throw in the towel and say D.

 

[kittenpie]

does this mean you sincerely forgive him from the bottom of your heart and want to move on?

because no point moving on if a wife is ready to use the affair as emotional blackmail and become spiteful and grudgeful

 

[small_wish]

didn't want him to talk about affair since things already happen, talk also no use. But since he said he will stay, thought of better focus on building up the marriage. But don't know how. There seems to be nothing to talk about between us.

 

[small_wish]

sincerely want to move on

 

[kittenpie]

do you know anything about the other woman? or she is a complete mystery?

im thinking that if you could find out what is so attractive about TOW, then you could pinpoint what she gave him that was deficient in you.

this is for the purpose of understanding the situation. i don't mean that a woman in your shoes should try to spruce herself up just for the sake of competing against other women out there, this would be absurd ...

 

[kittenpie]

and his attitude is very important...

is he apologetic and repentant? or is he full of resignation and unspoken misgivings towards you?

 

[small_wish]

He said she cares and concerns for him. I spent too much time with daughter.

 

[matka]

Hi Hope, I'd like to drop you a PM, but it's not activated. Thanks

 

[small_wish]

didn't apologise, just say broke off already and will stay.

So a lot of questions unanswered.

I also don't know what he wants.

 

[kittenpie]

Hope, sometimes wives need to sayang their husbands. cradle and cuddle them and stroke their hair, make them feel like baby.

it is part of the romantic fun.

is it true that you are focus too much on your child at his expense?

 

[kittenpie]

his attitude is not right.

he is ignoring your hurt feelings.

here you are trying to make it work, there he is ignoring you.

this cannot be right.

what do you think?

 

[small_wish]

matka
I clicked on the email option already. Hope this is correct to activate the PM.

May Ong
Yes. I focused too much on daughter. I admitted and said I will change. Did spend more time with him. But not sure whether appreciated or not.

 

[small_wish]

May Ong
That's what I am feeling hopeless. His attitude and he is keeping quiet what he wants. But I can't question him, can't make him talk whether he loves me or not. Ask more will end up wars. This stage is over already. Just hope to move on.

 

[kittenpie]

do you think it is necessary to obtain a heartfelt apology from him?

if i were you, i would want to. it is a matter of principle.

 

[karvna]

There's no reason to stay. He has betrayed you once and it will happen again and again. How can you trust him ever again after this?

Please pluck up the courage and file for divorce. Dragging the marriage will only bring more suffering to you and him.

 

[small_wish]

He is v busy with his work, even at home, cos he is self employed. Can't "use" too much of his time on the romantic stuff.

 

[kittenpie]

But I can't question him, can't make him talk whether he loves me or not. Ask more will end up wars. This stage is over already. Just hope to move on.
===============================================

then you have to leave him alone for a while. allow him to let his feelings heal.

but not indefinitely. there must eventually be a time when you reopen the gates of communication again. but when is it going to be?

that is why i asked you, how long has this gone on?

 

[miloice]

You need to address the issues with your spouse. Will need your closure to move on. Get it from him. He cannot just eat outside, kenna found out already, just wipe mouth and prevent it didn't happen and leave u hanging like this. You are human with feelings. You are his WIFE!

 

[matka]

Hi Hope, I don't think it's been activated yet. I think you need to uncheck the option and "save profile".

 

[small_wish]

May Ong
Can't get apology from him, he never thinks he is wrong. He said pressurised. He don't want to talk anything on the affairs. Talk more will push him to leave. So as long as don't talk about affairs, we are peaceful.

karvna
Can't divorce. Daughter will be sad. Daughter has always wanted daddy and mummy.

 

[small_wish]

matka
sorry not v computer literate. Tried that already, can you try PM again. Sorry for trouble and thanks for kindness.

Appreciate all your kindness compared to the attitude of HB.

 

[miloice]

Tell me, have you been perfectly happy throughout your life? No right? Then, why do u expect to give your kid a perfectly happy life then? Its impossible. For sure, it is impact your kid. But, they can learn to deal with it. You are restricting your options with your mindset.

I'm not advising divorce right away. But you need to get the communication channels working again.

Can the marriage still function? If you are going to be in endless suffering, do you think your daughter will be HAPPY seeing u suffer? She might be young now, but she will grow up and understand what's going on.

Ask yourself all these. Find out more from your partner. No point remaining clueless and ask strangers but reject suggestions given. You will still be as clueless.

 

[matka]

Hi Hope, oops. It still doesn't work. Maybe you can PM me instead.

 

[vios]

given his post-tow behaviour, i believe he is buying some time to ponder over the marriage...

since you are willing to forgive him and salvage the marriage (because you truly love him, i hope, and not for some other reasons) - do not proceed to question him further and do your part as what you have promised.

if he's still behaving non-chalently after a specifed period, then pls take time-off to regain your sanity.

 

[small_wish]

MiLo On e RiCks
My kid is a happy kid no matter what happens in the family. Don't wish to make her sad by D. Me happy or not is not important.

Ya, I am v clueless. He said he will stay so I hope to make the marriage works. Just so simple wish. Just small woman mentality.

 

[kittenpie]

Hope, whatever you do is eventually a decision, but as anonymous well-wishers we hope that you make a well-informed one.

(1) MUST the child have both parents married to each other? is there a possibility that parents can become more effective to their children after they get divorced? if the parents stay UNHAPPILY married, the child is not a block of wood, she will sense it to the detriment of her growth.

im not discounting the fact that divorce is traumatic for children, but im bringing to your attention that if no D, could be equally bad. cause you will be perenially moody and unhappy, thus affecting your child's development.

i suggest you open up more possibilities, get out of the box and explore different options. it is just going through a mental exercise only, no harm done.

(2) i hope that you are aware that if he continues his bad attitude towards you (not even bother to apologise), it can cause you only more grief down the road.

you weigh your alternatives. the ball is in your court.

 

[simpleman]

Have to understand the psyche of the wayward hb. NO. He may not repent openly or ask for forgiveness. He just wants to brush it aside.

You need to have patient... It is funny but the betrayed will need to work doubly hard. This is because you want the relationship more badly than him.

If there is hope of recovery, then you will need to take time. When he is feeling better it may be possible to talk about it but mostly they won't want to talk about the affair. But at least you can talk about how to go forward.

 

[small_wish]

MiLo On e RoCks
can't find out from him, can't ask. Ask more leads to wars, just want peace and move on.

Who can say he / she has been perfectly happy thru' out his/her life? I find happiness in making my daughter happy.

 

[kittenpie]

Hope,

im not a mum, so what i say may not be credible.

but if you throw your entire life and happiness into your daughter, would you grow to have some unrealistic expectations towards her? would you expect her to give you more love, because you 'sacrificed' for her, and end up as a possessive mum?

is your attitude towards parenting healthy? this is not a criticism, just an open-ended question

 

[miloice]

Hope, your approach is possible provided he is okie to remain married to you in name. But you need to get your expectation right. Since u give up on happiness in your marriage, then learn to cut of the emotional hopes on it. Else, I assure you that you will be struggling like hell. Don't cling on to miracles about your husband. Be realistic.

 

[small_wish]

Daughter is always happy don't wish to disrupt this peace. She is with me most of the time cos' HB is always busy at work. Her thinking is daddy's work is busy so no time for her (altho' she knows mummy is financially independent and don't actually needs the daddy to bring in the money). Mummy is the one who attends to her needs.

So long as HB stays in the family, don't think this will make any difference. But if D, daughter will be sad.

 

[matka]

Hi Hope, I've replied your email.

 

[small_wish]

sorry matka, PM you already (I hoped I did).

 

[scope_guy]

Silly woman. Not worth to waste time on... LOL~

 

[kittenpie]

the dad has to play more active role in daughter's life.

many teenage girls go astray because they do not have a positive father figure in their lives and they look for love in all kinds of wrong places.

i have digressed

 

[simpleman]

Divorce may not be worse for the children.

The children still can be happy.. with both parents - even in divorce - still parents who love them very much.

 

[small_wish]

May Ong
I am not possessive mum, just a well-wishing mum hoping to do more for my daughter. I didn't expect anything from her. I only expect her to grow up to be a good person and be independent. Then my duty as a mum is done.

 

[kittenpie]

Hope, would your own mum be sad to see you sad?

she can sense it even if you dont say

 

[small_wish]

MiLo On e RoCks
Thanks for advice. Really didn't cling on too much hope for him to love me, as long as he stays and loves my daughter. But don't think it works. He quote he strayed due to no care and concern from me. So I am supposed to give him care and concern to make him stay. Shouldn't I?

 

[lovingyou]

Hope: It is possible for a marriage to be salvaged provided that the party who is involved are apologetic and sincerely wants to make the marriage work again. One side is not gonna to help things. If he is not apologetic and not gonna to talk about things, how are both of you gonna to set things right again? We are humans and we have feelings; we dun brush aside our feelings and taking nothing has ever happened. What about those questions that gone unanswered, what about your feelings that was uncared during those period? Your child will feel it as she grows up that her family is not "normal" regardless how much you try to make it normal again...

 

[simpleman]

may,

How you know teenage girls go astray because they don't have father figure.

Wah, gals go bad.. blame on father..

 

[simpleman]

Hope,

I know you have good intentions.. but seriously do you even know what is best for your daughter? Or you think what you are doing is the best?

 

[kittenpie]

sm,

my source of info: friends, newspapers and magazines.

like i said, im not a mum, so my info may not be most credible. purely anecdoctal only

 

[shannat]

a mother's duty is nvr done til she has passed on.
that's how i feel.

Hope, D doesnt mean it will bring unhappiness to your child. may i ask how old is she? if she is old enough to understand the "mummy is financially independent part etc" im sure she is able to understand why daddy n mummy is not tgt.
do u still love your husband? or is it for the sake of your girl only?
would she be happy if u r not happy? bcos i feel this "happy" family thingy u r giving her is not real.. a child can still be happy even if the parents r not tgt anymore, but still give her the love n concern she needs.
what kind of r/s u want to maintain with your hubby? just a couple in name? or do u wish to contd a real r/s again? if so, u need closure to move on. n if u do close this chapter, it means burying it in the deepest end of your heart n not to bring it up again. can u forgive, n "forget"?

 

[small_wish]

May Ong
Like I can't force him to talk more, same I also can't force him to spend more time with daughter. He quotes "Busy with work, even at home."

Can't ask and won't ask anymore questions pertaining to affairs. He quotes "I am willing to stay, what more do you want?"

Just simple wish hoping to be able to continue. Yes for the sake of daughter. She can sense my unhappiness cos I am quiet most of the time, but I just told her daddy is busy, don't disturb him. She is v sweet, will try to cheer me up. Once I play with her, she will be happy, I will be happy.

 

[kittenpie]

Hope, am i right to say that he agreed to stay because you asked him to?

did he explicitly say it is for his daughter?

what is his true motivation for staying? or is he too mentally and emotionally confused now, so will go with you as a matter of habit?

 

[vios]

like i said, you still need to find your OWN sanity after a certain time....