Am I wrong?

[sunboi80]

Hi everybody I am posting here because i think i desperately needed some advice.

I am a divorcee and my girlfriend is also a divorcee with a small boy. We have been together since the boy was 4 months old... And i love both mother and son very much.

The boy have been calling me "papa" since he began to talk and i have always treated him like my own and sometimes i really believe he was mine.

All along my gf and the boy have been staying with her mum. You can say she is closed to her mum and also because she doesn't have a place to stay after her split from her ex. (her ex left her before the child was born due to affair)

Last year she manage to gain possession of her matrimony flat and i used $$ from the sale of mine to finance part of the reno cost because i tot that would be the place of our own.

I have always dreamt of one day i could be with her and the child and the 3 of us can be 1 happy family.

The child is now 3+ years old and the renos are ready (since 4-5 mths ago). but then my gf and boy are still staying at her parents house. The reason given by her is that that's the best arrangement for our boy and she can't take away her mum's grandson from her. Though they (she and her mum) keep saying that when we do anything we must do it in the best interest of our boy which i can agree.
But i just cannot convince myself that staying with her mum is the best arrangement for the boy. She just say "let the boy decide"...

My reasoning:

it's already confusing enough for our boy to have different surname from his "papa" already, now he is again "different" by staying with his "popo" and mama and not with "papa" and "mama" like 95% (perhaps) of other kids. I cannot imagine the psychological effect this will have on him.

I wan to provide for as "normal a family" to them so that the boy would feel better and not so "special" compared to other kids...it's quite frightening if other kids use these to disturb him in the future.

there is not enough space at her mum's house, right now, the boy is sleeping btw my gf and her mum. and the maid in the MBR, the other bedroom are occupied by her elder bro and father. sometimes when her younger bro comes bk frm gf's hse he will sleep in the living room. Now this arrangement is ok cos the boy is still young. How about when he is older? I feel this is not a long term solution.

we are both already 30+, feel it's time we learn to be independent.

Occasionally(very rare), we bring our boy to our own place to let him play and sometimes he will wan to go back to popo's hse. thus my gf say this is 1 of the reason why she dun wan to bring him here to stay cos he don't like. but i think this is not the case, cos whenever he is here he is quite happy and he will run around and play his toys here. if he really dun like the place, he wun even wan to enter. I feel the reason is the boy is still not use to it yet cos we don't bring him to our plc often enough. last time he go childcare also make a fuss but now ok already. isn't this the case? the sooner u get him to be use to our plc the better.

till now, her reason still cannot convince me that staying at her mum's place is placing the boy's interest in 1st priority.


her 2 main reasons:
a) Boy don't want to come, let him decide later.
(he so young wat does he know? we must teach him the right values and what is a family unit right?)

b) Can't bring him away from her mum and boy needs her family (sometimes i feel tat it's the other way round. her mum needs the boy cos all her bros and father not at home but this shld not be a reason mah, how can i control whether the other males in her house come back?)

though i think it's good that our boy stay with her popo during weekdays cos he needs to attend childcare and stay with her he can sleep later cos we need to leave home early for work.

but weekends i feel we shld bring the boy back so that at least we are more like a family. now most of the time are spend idling at her house cos boys this age are naughty and they are afraid of bringing him out.

quarrelled with her a few times over this... am already very tired... am i wrong to feel the way i feel?

sometimes i am just very envious when i see a family outside.. though i am "papa", i feel so powerless...

 

[triple]

Your Idea to bring the kid over to start the normal family life is the mature thing to do.

Her resistance is understandable. It's tough looking after a kid, and since got free caretaker, why not. That's the easy way out.

U did not mention about marriage plans. I don't want to assume anything.

You should insist on your way, and if she violently objects, perhaps the both of u not ready to start a family WITH EACH OTHER.

The way I see it, one party wants to progress forward, while another party wants the comforts of parental support. There is no right or wrong in this, just different priorities.

 

[sunboi80]

Hi triple

we talked about marriage plans and about adding another sibling to our boy. she have always prompted me about "my plans". sometimes i just feel like retorting, is my plans that important? you will listen and implement my plans? but somehow i always held back to maintain harmony.
I can understand that the grandma-grandson bond is there because her mum have been looking after the boy since he was out. I am also not asking her to "take" him away. just maybe once a week go over to stay at our house (we even prepared a play room specifically for him). Is that too much to ask?
I tot that everybody (even animals) when they are old enough should fly out of their nest to start their own family. her parents shld understand that this is inevitable.
though her mum din explicitly say that but whenever we bring the boy out or over to our hse and she din follow: she will say(to the boy) "popo miss u", "got think of popo" etc...


I have comtemplated leaving this r/s but then always can't bear to do it cos seriously i love both mother and son. sighz...
sometimes i feel that she do want to move out with me, just that she cannot bear to seperate her boy from her mum and from her son.

For now, i think i will let them do watever pleases then because i also dun like to use force.

do you think we shld arrange for some counselling session to resolve such differences? because i just cannot stand such lame excuses.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Tired,

1.Move the PoPo to your new place.
2. Register your marriage and be a legal husband and father.

Problem Solved!

My mum is very attach to me and follows me wherever I move to. I shifted house 3 times, she followed and moved with me 3 times.
My hubby is very understanding and everyone is happy.

 

[triple]

Tired.. I have been in your shoes, and I understand the part about holding back to maintain harmony. It's a quick fix solution that is actually a ticking timebomb.

Counselling does not work. My advice is.. go on a holiday.. and discuss with her.. what is her vision of a family unit. Whether it involves having her mom around. There is no model answer to this question, basically it's whether u can accept her vision. If her vision and the current situation dun tally, then highlight to her. She may simply be a lost sheep.

It's natural for grandparents to dot on the kids, and for the woman to feel glued to their moms. Women are emotional creatures, and guy-type rational analysis on their actions is kinda irrelevant.

I always believe there can only be 1 decision maker in a household. The question is.. who is that person?

 

[sunboi80]

albee

actually I think "popo" would like to stay with her sons, bu then the sons dun come home, i think she use her grandson for company.

We are working on registering our marriage and she asked her bro to help us select a date (i obj to this cos i rather go find her master cos her bro is always very busy), but till now no news yet. she seem quite noncholant about it so nvm lor. slowly wait... seriously, I don't mind her mum staying with us...

triple
your words have been quite encouraging to me cos u seem to understand the frustrations that i am facing. yes i understand that it's a ticking timebomb because i've been keeping all the pent up frustration within me but that's all i can do besides coming here to rant... it always seem that she can't put herself in my shoes and whenever i brought this up, we will end up quarreling because she thinks i am just trying to be nasty. she always say got anything must say, but whenever i wan to discuss this topic, she will get angry and say all those hurtful words.. "u dun understand", "u dun know", "u use your ass to think"... i know she dun mean it, but then sometimes it hurts me... until sometimes i really feel like giving up.

i think because her bros (and dad) are always not at home, she feels oblige to acompany her mum and that involves our boy as well and you may be right, she may be just a lost sheep cos she herself also dunno what to do.

i know she may be torn between her mum, me and her boy. but sometimes i feel she can put me in more priority, though i think that if she has to make a choice btw her mum and me, it gotta be her mum. (but hope we dun come to that)...

yes there cannot be too many "indian chiefs". she always say i must make decision but whenever i say something she dun wan, she will say 'alot of other things to obj' in the end i will just ask her "why don't u make the decision?", sometimes pek chek... if u wan to be the 'chief' then go ahead lor, i am ok. but then prob is she don't want but always got alot of "reasons/ideas" but when i ask initially, reply will always be "anything"

is this a common trait among singaporean gals?

sighz...

 

[triple]

Tired..

No point u go on feeling frustrated about this relationship. Relationship shd be enriching and fulfilling.
I suggest u have a talk with her about the ultimatum. U sound like a nice guy that many ladies can appreciate. If your partner can't appreciate you for who u are, and what u believe in, why force it. It will take a few months to get over it, but that's better than a life of frustration. Sadly, in Sg, there are many lost sheep with an opinion.