Am I wrong?

[maggies]

Really need some 3rd parties' views. Am I too demanding? Or he simply isn't ready for a gf and commitment?

My bf and I have been together for 2 years. He is 5 years younger than me, 29 years old this year but we find no gap in each other's maturity and got along very well. In the first year, everything went smooth and both of us were happy. We met each other's parents and I joined in almost every of his family gatherings, be it cousin wedding, granny's bday, CNY dinners, and even accompany his parents to Sentosa to name a few. 2012 is the 2nd year of our relationship, and it has been a year full of constant quarrels and arguments.

He felt that his engineering job isn't giving him any job satisfaction. In order to gain recognition and credibility, he volunteered as the chairman of his company Recreational Committee (RC). And it was also this that caused our major drifts.

Since he started on RC work, he was devoted to making it the best RC in all the years his company sees. He planned many many activities, even overseas trips. He spent his day time in office organising activities, and even off-office hours to talk to vendors, source for costumes etc. And it got worse, he even used weekend time, meant to spend with me, on doing RC work! We used to meet up 2-3 times on weekday nights after work, and Sat and Sun together. Now it got as bad as only 1 week day night and perhaps only 1 weekend, as all the time was spent on RC and hanging out with people from RC.

I was not happy at all. I felt neglected. And he said I was not supportive. I didn't stop him from doing RC work, but the extent he went, I feel it was just too much and straining our relationship already. If it were his engineering work, i totally understand the need to commit. But RC?! He spent time organising activities to make people in his company happy, but totally ignoring the unhappiness in his gf.

I asked him if there was another girl in RC, and thats why his entire soul was absorbed in it. He denied. But I don't know to believe or not.

There was another instance where his RC had a KTV session after office hours. He and I agreed to meet at 9pm, so he could spend time at the KTV, but at 9pm, at the venue agreed, he didnt appear, I called him and he was still at the KTV *sighs* When I blew my top, he said he doesnt understand why I need to get so angry. He could just take a cab from Marina Sq to Orchard 313 within 15 mins.

And there was this time, I whatsapp him. I had a really long day at work, totally drained out, just wish that he could send a few words to warm my heart. After an hour, no reply. So I sent another message, and it was not to demand to know why he hadn't reply. No reply from him, and I just kept sending messages like - gosh I am so tired; team dinner changed to xx place; poor Jeff (he was from US) fell sick. For 6 hours no reply from him at all! After that i got unhappy and asked him, he said he was busy at work and he was busy playing basketball after work. *sighs* so he values basketball more than replying his gf? Would sending a few words take up alot of his time?

He said I don't join his RC friends and RC activities. I did try in the beginning. But whenever there is an activity, he will be busy running around, leaving me alone and I don't know anyone else from his company. I've met his RC friends, but as they work together and hang out together they have their own click. Yes they are nice to say hi to me, but thats about it. After some small talk, they'll still go do their stuff together, and I still get left alone. It was really no fun to be left alone, feeling awkward in a supposedly fun activity. So I didn't want to go anymore after a few times of being left on my own. And he said I am being anti social and do not mix with his friends. *duh?!*

I never pressure him into marriage. In fact, I myself do not really see myself in a marriage. Maybe as the saying goes, women before 30 are dying to get married, but women after 30 do not see the need to get married haha. He has been the one bringing up marriage a few times.

Anyways, after a few major quarrels, he decided to quit RC. I felt happy he did, as this shows he still care about me. But I also felt a sense of loss.. for him. He spent so much time and effort but couldn't manage to see it to the end. I felt sad too. But between his RC and me, he has got to give up 1. I didnt force him to make a choice. He told me he would quit RC on his own. In fact, I never even want him to quit RC, he could still gon on doing what he has to do, but just within limits. Like not letting it eat into our time together.

After that I thought that finally, our lives could go back to the happy days before RC. But it seems there was still 1 last agenda on RC list - the annual D&D. And he was supposed to do a dance. Ok fine, he would go practice dance 2 nights on weekdays. But on D&D day itself, he called me using a different number, telling me he dropped his phone and it couldn't work, so he is using his friend's phone to call me, and that he would go with his RC friends to club after D&D. Essentially, that would make him totally uncontactable. I felt unhappy but didnt say anything. Perhaps everything was just so coincidental and whats wrong with just 1 night of clubbing? I told myself I'll look forward to spending a happy weekend with him

The next day, which was a Sat, he sent me a message. I replied him and the next message he sent was that he felt tired and wanted to go sleep. Ya of course, burning the whole night on clubbing, how would he not be tired? I showed my unhappiness again. Why must he go until 4am? Why can't he spare a little thought for me in his heart, to know he has to spend time with gf on Sat and so leave the club at 1am or 2am?

I guess both of us are tired with the numerous unhappiness and quarrels. It was also on Sat that we mutually agree to break up...

He is really a nice and matured chap. We shared many common interests and had many happy times together. Seriously speaking, I am sad and tired that I've been let down so many times. I just want a guy who loves me, have me in his heart and spend time with me, is that even too much to ask for?

 

[tomasulu]

"In order to gain recognition and credibility, he volunteered as the chairman of his company Recreational Committee (RC)."

That's the surest and quickest way to losing credibility at work if you asked me.

Having said that yes you're too demanding and completely self absorbed.

 

[npyl]

Hi Maggies, maybe let me let me tell you about my story...

I have been together with my partner for a very long time, since school days. All along he is a very sweet and caring person. However he does have a tendency to be a workaholic and spends a lot of time at work. But he has no fail to call ne daily and spend his weekends with me.

Things start to change when he was posted overseas. He enjoyed his freedom and he spent even more time at work as no need to spend time with me. He even stopped calling me daily and sometimes I even hear from him only once a week.

Then he was posted back. He finds that spending time with me becomes a chore. We had a lot of arguement and even almost divorce. But we managed to work out some of our differences as time goes by.

I do admit that I gave in quite a lot. Whenever he is busy at work, I will accept the fact that I will be neglected. But I will also find something else to fill my life such as exercising so that I will not be too needy. He has also make effort to spend his weekends, public holidays with me. After spending the day together, he goes back to work. Yes, even during weekend nights.

For your case, since your partner enjoyed doing RC work, maybe there is no need to quit but just have to strike a balance. As for yourself, maybe find a hobby to fill in the empty time.

 

[miloice]

"he even used weekend time, meant to spend with me"
"But between his RC and me, he has got to give up 1"

sum up pretty much on the kind of expectation and mentality.

"Am I too demanding? Or he simply isn't ready for a gf and commitment?"

You are not ready for a commitment with a real person. Your expectations are unrealistic. RC activities is only for 1 year. What if he has other commitments, e.g. aged/bed ridden and/or in-senile parents?

"I had a really long day at work, totally drained out, just wish that he could send a few words to warm my heart"
He, being so busy, probably had so many long days, how did you warm his heart? Blowing your top i guess. Grow up gal. He might be 29, but definitely more sensible than you.

Lastly, advise for your bf on his work. Network more. Find opportunities to move to more visible roles, probably towards business side where his contributions are more visible. He can go on the technical career path as well but network will still be needed, to be able to market himself as the expert in the team and organization. Opportunities don't always come, when you are visible to management, you automatically increase your chances of being a candidate for the opening. Being the RC chairman gives him the chance to work across business units and department. Use it to increase his increase. Get to know the bosses. Don't spend all the time on the RC activities, capitalize on it instead. As chairman, delegate to the team members. Give himself time to mingle with management.

 

[miloice]

sorry typo....i meant increase his influence.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Maggie,

During our dating days, my hubby only call me once a week and only on a friday night for a saturday date.

Sometimes, he would be missing in action and not call for a date for 1-2 months. I never meet his parents or relatives either.

I was very puzzled but never think too much about it. So when he didn't make a date, I would just go and do my own things.

Anyway, after a few limbo years, he suddenly sprang into action, brought me to see his parents, bought the flat, book the wedding package & dinner, set up his own company within a space of 4 months.

His parents, my parents and I were stun by his actions but they just agree with him and go with the flow.

Up to this day, I still don't know the reason for his occasional "Missing In Action" during our dating days.

I did know he was very popular with girls even to the extent of one persistent girl who loves to tag along with us and even after marriage, even meet my hubby at work for lunch when I'm not around.

But trust me, guys are not Babies, they can handle things themselves. You just be the sweet angel and everything will be OK. Just don't be the ugly witch and results in a break-up scene.

 

[maggies]

"RC activities is only for 1 year. What if he has other commitments, e.g. aged/bed ridden and/or in-senile parents?"

That is the thing I never agree with him on. If the reasons for him unable to spend time with me are for work, or more serious things like aged/bed ridden parents, I can totally understand. In fact, I would even encourage him to not go out and have fun with me, and be taking care of them. I would even also dedicate my free time to help him out. But the fact is he has chosen to do something that everyone avoids - RC and ended up going out to have fun, organise (to me) silly events. So what do I really mean to him? Like you've mentioned, he could have dedicated all the things to his team people to do, he doesnt have to spend time himself to do them.

"He, being so busy, probably had so many long days, how did you warm his heart?"

So what is he really busy with? Busy with having fun with his RC people and activities?

As for Albee's situation, I believe different dating styles work for different people. If I were you, I don't think I can commit to someone who seems non-committal by going MIA. I will go do my own things and perhaps end up with another guy who may be more sincere and committed.

npyl, glad both of you worked things out. I am willing to work things out with my bf too. I've voiced out so many times, what I felt and my unhappiness, but things just revert to what they were, even after he supposedly "quit RC"...*sighs*

 

[miloice]

hi Maggies, who decide what is important to his life? You might like to be the one that decides but to achieve that, you probably need to influence him to understand your concerns rather than trivializing his priorities.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Maggies,

May I share something with you?

I notice some girls like to micromanage their boyfriend after being together for a while and think it's their entitlement as his girlfriend.

This is something which they don't do at the beginning of the relationship. Always remember why your boyfriend fall in love with you in the 1st place.
Definitely it is not your micromanagement skills or to be his mother hen.

I always remember something which I learned in my very traditional chinese girls' school.
Our teacher believes that most of us will be high achievers in the future but she advises us to be polite and humble, not to belittle or micromanage our husbands.

"Xiang Jing Ru Bin" is the chinese idiom I always remember from my teacher. It really helps me in my marriage. The meaning is to treat each other well like how you will treat your guests.

If my hubby has some matters which I don't agree. I will voice my views calmly to him and also add on at the end that I will respect whatever decisions he make. He will have full responsibility to his decision.

This is something which I also learned from the late Mrs Lee Kuan Yew when Mr Lee discussed the merging of Singapore and Malaysia with Mrs Lee.

 

[powder]

i would dump him to be honest...

but then some pple like such characters...

a person who needs to find recognition by working as a dog to pleasing everyone? and do it for free? sounds to me like someone who needs to be well-liked... certainly not the person that i'd wanna lean on.

as for u, i think learn to let go abit... find your own activities and source of fun, instead of seemingly setting aside time for bfrens who dun want nor need the time u wanna give them.

u are Two Individuals coming together... when 1 individual cannot be there, the other individual must realise that he/she is/was an individual.

 

[maggies]

Milo and Albee, I understand where both of you are coming from.

As much as I've grown to hate RC and his total involvement in it to the extent of neglecting me, I have never objected him participating in it. I believe in having a limit, if he could have kept his RC activities to working hours, and perhaps only a few occasions during off-office hours and weekends, I can still live with it. I am not unreasonable. I may not agree with him that RC is important, but I will not stop him if it doesn't become an issue for us. But he is basically totally absorbed with it and sacrificing our together time for it. How would I know if I were to marry him and have a baby, my baby and I won't be cast aside because he is totally absorbed in something else that may come along in the future? ie. clubbing till 4am or KTV with his friends and forgotten about our agreed time to meet up?

Yes who decides what is important to anyone's life? But if someone who is close to you and who matters to you, is telling you, on several occasions of a different view, would you value this person enough to take his/ her views into consideration and make compromises? Or will you simply ignore and go the way you like, behaving like you do not have a partner and living a single bachelor life? Isn't a relationship about give and take, and making goals together to live 2 lives together? Does it have to end up with 1 person, fed up with talking nicely, can't help it but explode, then finger pointing at her saying she is unrealistic, unsupportive, and too demanding?

I have talked to him on my unhappiness about his total involvement with RC to the extent of casting me aside. He admits it himself. But things still remain the same.

Yes I wish to "xiang jing ru bing" with him, but does he care enough to do the same for me?

This reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend a while ago. He told me alot of people in failed relationships tend to say "He/ She has changed. He/ She wasn't like this before". But has the person really changed? Or its just the case that you just have not seen THAT side of the person?

I was thinking, in our 1st year together, things went well and we were happy. But into our 2nd year, when RC came into the picture, perhaps it is my 1st time seeing how he behaves and do things under such circumstance. If I were to see this side of him earlier, we may not even made it this far...

 

[powder]

ok to be fair n put things in perspective... the RC work fills the void that he is facing now at this stage of his career where he may yearn a larger role within the company yet have not been put up to it, he has his ambitions but they're not being fulfilled... thus volunteering for this role is giving him the morale boost he needs, to perhaps feel important, significant and validates his existence which he would otherwise be in depression over it.

what u can actually do, is to find other things outside of his career that may give him motivation to excel in, and u can do it together with him. i have noticed a vast increase in the number of pple who have taken to running or jogging, and participating in marathons in the last few years... it's not much, but just an example.

But if he requires to feel that sense wiin the company he is working for, and amongst colleagues... then it will be a bigger battle than just making himchoose each time between the two. u can aid in his validation by joining him whenu have the chance, and mingling with his colleagues with the intention of 'promoting' or 'marketing' him... which hoepfully can result in a bigger role within the actual work he is doing, than this volunteer work.

if u understand why he needs to feel this void, and u really want him 'back', then u would probably be better off knowing wat u're really facing, than simply making him choose each time and putting him in a slight predicament of choice. One day, he will stop choosing u... and likewise.

i believe it is a good break for both of u to take stock... if u find each other again, then u know that u have to work harder togeer to stay in the relationship. If either of u actually enjoy the break permanently, it might also not be a bad thing...

be mature abt issues and life... it is not as complicated as we choose to see.

 

[cococherry]

A mismatch. Maggie, a relationship requires committment and I dont see him ready for the committment that you are looking for. At this point of time, you are not on top of his priority list. Clubbing, sleep and other stuffs are much more important.
Arent you glad that these problems surface after one yr and not after married?

 

[lemonzil]

Different expectations sets people apart unless they are able to come together and mutually agree on it.

 

[miloice]

"But if someone who is close to you and who matters to you, is telling you, on several occasions of a different view, would you value this person enough to take his/ her views into consideration and make compromises?"

Frankly, depends largely how it is communicated. Many times we hear from friends on their relationship issues emphasizing on how correct they are. Problem is, most friction happens NOT because one party is always at fault. Mostly, it happens because the manner both parties manage their difference. I'm not painting a perfect image. He probably is not suited for you and since you already broken up with him. Do you go on to think that its all his fault and you have nothing to learn from the relationship except that he is a jerk.

Things I read from the short exchanges, I could pick up how you dwell only on your pov. Do you really try to understand things from his perspective. If on all the occasions, you had different view from him, what conclusion are you drawing? You mentioned it yourself silly events. Who would appreciate a partner that trivalize things that matters to them as silly.

Let me say it again : you probably need to influence him to understand your concerns rather than trivializing his priorities.

Influencing someone. Its different from imposing.

You gave example where he is uncontactable for 6 hours. Your conclusion.... so he values basketball more than replying his gf? Would sending a few words take up alot of his time?

It is scary to me. We don't always hold on to our mobile checking for new SMS and missed calls all day. Especially when we are on the move or playing sports, it is not surprising to miss a call or text msgs. If your call is so important, call again.

 

[arsenal_84]

well, my ex broke up with me because i play too much soccer in the past.

 

[npyl]

Hi Maggies, like what the rest mentioned, it is really managing expectations. But to me, it is managing YOUR OWN expectations.

For my case, I have come to terms that I am not his top priority and I accept it as this is him. I cannot expect him to change because of me rather he wants to change himself. The only thing I can do is to change myself first.

I do not blow my top nowadays but rather I find a suitable time to just nicely remind him of certain things that I like him to do. But finding a suitable is really not easy. Have to catch him at a good mood, causally talk about issues and more or less he is open for discussion. Last time I used to say I want a heart to heart talk but usually it will end up in unhappiness and he would find that he is at fault and wanted out of the relationship.

This is how I manage my hubby. Maybe you can try as well. If you still want to continue your relationship, IMHO, try to manage your expectations first. Since he enjoys organising RC events, maybe suggest to him that he might be suitable for a career as event organiser.

Always remember you can never change someone. The only one you can change is yourself. Be it managing your expectations better or walking out of the relationship.

 

[vynara]

I agree it's a mismatch of expectations. Nobody is in the wrong, just differing views of what it means to be committed to one's partner. Maggie you sound like you want a partner who is physically and emotionally available most of the time, while your boyfriend seems to prefer to be more independent, which includes spending extra time at work and with friends.

If you want to patch things up, think both of you have to compromise... Like, you have to accept that he not choosing to spend time with you is not the same as he neglecting you.. And he have to be more sensitive to your feelings on this.

Personally I think some differing opinions between couples is ok, but there are some things which cannot really be reconciled. Plus compromise may just be too difficult for both parties. Think carefully over it... Good luck!