Advise needed for Divorce with 2 kids or stay in a marriage without love

adelene

Member
Can I have a better understand of the life after divorce and live with 2 kids and living in a marriage without love and communication?
 


unhappy bride

New Member
How only is your 2 kiddo?
I know talk is always cheap, end of the day everyone still need to move on. Everyone deserve a second chance in another relationship. I have friends surrounding me all second marriage, got kids from previous marriage. They still move on, and fight for what is best for the kids future & needs. Times are bad now, if you could survive through this, nothing in this world stop you.:)
 
Can I have a better understand of the life after divorce and live with 2 kids and living in a marriage without love and communication?
It would be very difficult with 2 kids on tow. Difficult to find another man who wants to accommodate 2 kids. Kids need to like new father as well. Also, money may be a problem.
 

adelene

Member
Have to look into this matter first.
Nowadays, women are very independent. Besides, he loves the kids so much to stay in marriage without love, so will support them financially.
Just the matter that we will no longer be staying under one roof is a great relieve. Facing each other daily is so different from facing each other monthly.

Anyway, no intention to get into another marriage after this.

Just wondering are there many couples staying in their marriage without love? Won't there be tendency that one of them will end up have EXA?
 

uglydude

Member
Very hard for another men to love someone else kids....no one like to be raising another man's child....not forgetting that according to woman charter...in the event of divorce again....u would have to pay maintenance for another man's child....*Ouch

So good that you have no intention to get into another marriage...coz chances of you getting married again is virtually zero....
 

adelene

Member
SO which is better? A life living alone with 2 kids or a life living with a man who will not love you, but love our kids?
 

harlelynn

New Member
Hi, I am sorry to hear about this.. I hope you can think back how you and your husband become together and started your family and how you two raise your very first child. Look back at the photos and I hope things will get better then. I will wish you will stay on for the sake of your kids. Because when your children grow up , they will have the childhood memory of how their family are and it might affect their growing up process. Growing up in a broken family is very tough. I know it's difficult to handle right now but you gotta stay on and try to talk things out and start from the sketch again. Afterall decision is still yours, everyone will respect your decision. Think wisely. May everything be better for you.
 

adelene

Member
Thank you very much.
I still love him, but he is the one who cannot love me. Yet he would like to stay in the marriage because of the children.
I cannot stay with him as he will flirt with other woman and share bad things about me with them.
All this while, I have deluded thinking everything is fine, but I supposed I have been living with a live bomb.
 

Sera22

Member
Your husband not willing to give ur relationship another try? Why not go for marriage counselling? Hope you both can work things out.. :)
 

adelene

Member
Perhaps he is trying. Yes, we went through counseling for more than half a year. He wants counseling to change my mindset to accept his idea (to stay together without love).
The counselor said he do not understand what is he talking about.
 

Sera22

Member
How about you try to make him fall in love with you again.. Do sweet things to make him touched? Since u love him maybe it's best you both reconcile.. Maybe for the sake of ur kids he will give you both another chance :)
 

life_is

Active Member
Marriage doesn't work if it is just fulfilling of duties. Am in one right now, where the wife does not want to try anything for the marriage and nothing can satisfy her. Already going to apply for divorce after realising she is deliberately not trying in order to force a divorce out of me. After all, the impression I get is that she wants money, all shown through her actions. Zero communication.Takes two hands to clap. The best way to bring up kids is to show through your actions as a marriage couple how a good marriage should be. They will learn from what they see, so you will have to get your husband to do his part. Have you asked him frankly why he doesn't love you anymore? Surely there must be love for him to marry you in the first place (trust me, it is a hell of a leap of faith for men knowing all the stupid laws here). What did he like about you before? Why is it different now? A man who truly loved you will not ditch you just because you are old/fat/uglier now. When was the last time you had sexual relations? I think men connect somehow through that. Do you spend any time alone with him? Sorry if the questions seem very intrusive.
 

hitori

Member
I empathize with your situation. If it is any consolation,
I belong to the gp who do not mind getting into another marriage with a woman with kids if
She is special to me. I have clients who Remarried and happily married with the new hubby who love the child as much as their new baby. One happy and blissful family. You do not Need all the men to accept u, only one special One good enough.

Now having said that, is there really no way for the both of u to work things out? Or have you given up trying? I juz broke up with my partner over differences in character, communication, frequencies, lifestyle. She walked out of our "unplanned" wedding bcoz she cannot accept my temper. She rather be a single Mum than to marry u. I waited for 3 years till she accept me and give me a chance to work things out. I know i have my weakness but men need time to change. She cannot wait or she given up trying or maybe her default/innermost thoughts is to do it alone. For me, my default mode is
To work things out, keep trying, for us and for my 3 yr old son. She only See me As wanting to be wit my son when I always see them as a package. She is kind enough now to let me see my son and I still support financially. I still have feelings for her but I think i should move on to rest my weary heart.

I sharing all this with you bcoz there are some similarities between you n her. And from a man viewpoint, there will always be some remaining feelings, no matter how a relationship become stale over time. Have you looked deeper why he went out to flirt? Have the both of u stop effort to keep fire burning?

Marriage is a decision. A decision is a commitment to uphold planned standard or action. Not something that emotions can sway. Do not be selfish to take care of your own emotion or "injustice" and sacrifice
The kids. It a very sad thing. I am in this situation right now, and trust me, you will not want to be where
I am. If your hubby is a bastard and has A change Of heart, then just walk out the best solution.

Pls think very carefully, do not win the battle and lose the war
 

adelene

Member
Hi Sera22,
There are far too many baggage between us and his heart was harden long time ago. For instance, the children and I gave him a surprise birthday celebration. He was touched for that 2 secs, then it was gone.
He remembered my birthday and our anniversary, but he purposely do not want to celebrate, not even a word of it. He told me when I asked.

Hi Life_is,
Yes. Marriage won't work without love in it. Your wife might not be forcing you out of marriage. There are a lot of resentments, in layman term "THORNS". When she needs your supports, you are not there for her.
When she do not feel being loved, I supposed the next thing she need to secure is money. Standby her, give her the support she needs, in order to remove these "THORNS". Who doesn't want to be live happily with their loved one?
If there is an option, I also want to take in my marriage.

My hb said he had lost the love for me long time ago. He needs time to find it back, but he had been saying this for the past 3 years.
Yes. We definitely loved each other when we married. Things deteriorated after we have our children. Many things happened at the same time within a period of 2~3 years and due to the lack of time, we are distant.
Initially, I deluded thinking everything will be fine, but needless to say, what seem to be peaceful is actually having strong, turbulent current beneath the surface of the water.
I cannot even remember when is the last time alone with him. It went to an extend that even holding his hands are luxury to me. When I touch his body, it will send a rebellious reaction to me.
He feel he is a hypocrite to send me a love note and so saying "I love you" is never a word for me, however he can send tons of it to other woman as he claimed that he has no liability sending them.
Basically, he gave many excuses not to be alone with me. These excuses can be very logical such as he need to work, the children are still young we have to spend more time with the children.
 

adelene

Member
Hi Hitori,

Thank you for your consolation. It really not an issue in my mind.

you are right. He told me he needs time. Very often, when there is hope, there is also disappointments at the same time. The toughest part is the feeling that he is sharing many bad things about me with others. He let me makes the decision and criticize on it behind my back. Often, he will give the rolling eyes expression immediately after I decided on things, which will give me self-doubt on my decision. When I chose another, he will say I am like roti prata (flip here and there). I know it is tough at this point as he bear many baggage, but I cannot move on with him continue pump in like that.
The strangest part in our relationship is we still can communicate on topic such as his work, the children, our friends and some activities except other then ourselves. Life is calm before the exposure of his behaviour. The exposure only make our bad relationship open up to others. I do not have to bottom down many things which will drive me crazy over times. I wanted to save his face initially, but he only tell others it is my fault to throw temper at him. Over the years, I have been playing the image of a big bully towards him and he was a big sacrifice and a saint. I had been yelled for my innocence.

Yes. He have feeling for me. He told me he wants to mend the marriage, but all I see is a mixture of care, concern with many frustrations, excuses and lies and most of all, he is unhappy staying with me.
I have friends who parent stay together just for them. At the end, the children are not secured and happy.
He cannot commit that he wants me with the children as a package. But he definitely told me he wants the children.
 
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harlelynn

New Member
I hope you two can give your marriage another chance again, take a step back and try to give in to each other again. I am very sure it will work it out since you two can still communicate. Everyone will change , it takes alot of patience and understanding to accept each other. I am sure if you two cannot accept each other characters and personalities , you two won't be having two kids now.I am sure some understanding will be able to mend your marriage. It might just be the peak period and it will get better..
 

hitori

Member
Hi Adelene, sorry to hear about your plight. I hope I did not give u an impression of being judgemental with my comments. If i did, pls accept my sincere apologies. Some of the things you shared made me realize and understand perhaps my ex partner was going through the same kind of thoughts/emotions as you.

Today I went to see my son and pass him and her Xmas
Presents. She was still cold towards when my son pass her the presents with some enthusiasm. Halfway during playtime between the both of us, he ask me "if mummy will talk to me later?". I could not answer him and avoided his question. He held back emotions and words (related to mommy) many times, for a 3 yr old reali breaks my heart. I cannot imagine if he has to do that everyday if we are still staying together.

I guess you are very right to say it worse for the kids in a family with no love, ESP when they sense it everyday. I can't help but to agree(unwillingly & unfortunately) it time to move on. The differences in character and expectations may be too wide to bridge by solely pure effort, more so when one party is half hearted. The guy just want to have time/access to the children but at your expense. Mayb bcoz I am guilty of the same crime unconsciously that why I saying this. Take care of yourself and your sanity well. Pls keep your door & options open should they come along. There is always hope and better tomorrow. Merry Christmas!!!
 

adelene

Member
Hi all,
thank you for your encouragement.
We have given each other many chances. 5yrs of resentments are not so easy to resolve.
the thread makes me understand his bitterness and able to put myself in his position. this is so much better then to bottle them up or to share it with a single friend like he did.
His stamina is better than mine. at least he is firmed with his decision to mend.

hi hitori,
there is always chances for reconcile. we do not understand what exactly happened between you and your ex. some people just need space to breathe. a space where they wont see and remind of the person who hurt them.
i need this space, but was forced to abandon this idea as there is too drastic changes. i grounded myself under the condition. now this T&C was not fulfilled due to all his logical excuses again.
 

life_is

Active Member
I suspect your husband has another woman outside (hopefully not). Or simply not trusting you with his emotions any more. There are always distractions outside, but a man who loves his wife will stay firm no matter what.

Takes time to actually feel the love, especially if too much time is spent with the kids and chores. There has to be the 'couple time' to sustain the marriage as well. Communication with each other is key. Ask him what he likes or doesn't like about the marriage. See if there is anything you can do as well. If there isn't enough time for love, then there will be no love. Guess if the kids are old enough you can always put them with the in laws or parents over a weekend and spend quality alone time with him. Think of the times before marriage, and the reasons for loving each other. Put away all the daily chores and focus on the 'we'.
 

adelene

Member
Hi life_is,

i told him about the "we" time since 3years ago. initially, i thought he din get it too. 6months ago, i saw that he fully understand the importance of the "we" time through his sexting with my girlfriend, but he din plan it with me. i supposed i am emotionally abandoned since.
 

sadman2009

Active Member
Dear Adeline,

I'm sorry to hear that about you. And I'm sorry to say that my advice for you is to leave him. Yes, I'm sure you already have enough of the rubbish from him. It's VERY EMOTIONALLY TORTURING to have known that the person sleeping with you doesn't love you and is having another girl outside. I mean, at start, may be you can still give him chance... But until now, I'm sure you know that things are not going to be better. So, LEAVE HIM is what I advise.
You know, life is not about this. Marriage life is not about bearing up with your partner having sex with man/woman.... Not just one time but many many times.
YOU DESERVE BETTER. Yes, we don't deserve all these shit, you know.
You know that you won't be happy if you continue with this.
When you leave and be on your own then you will be happy.
There are many other beautiful things in life... Things for you to enjoy and to laugh about and to appreciate...really...
Not every day going home and facing someone who has betrayed you and continue to do that and doesn't love you...

Regarding financial side, you can still ask him for alimony and also maintainance for the kids. And don't be soft on this.
Smart woman will not bear everything on your own. Get maintainance support from him.
Only then you can live better and happy after the divorce.
 

life_is

Active Member
When was the time you last had a meaningful conversation? What made it stop? Was there an event that caused the loss in communication? Such things don't occur overnight. Do you try to understand each other and the needs? Just wondering why he is so interested in talking to someone else. Perhaps there was a communication problem. At least for my case I have given up trying to talk to my wife because she only believes she is right all the time, and anyone who opposes her always gets a lot of shit. Communication is probably impossible now and in future. Perhaps there was a trigger like this. If so, perhaps you need counselling to resolve issues together.

Not quite right to be 'sexting' though. Platonic friendships are probably fine, but not cheating (at least from a man's point of view).

Also not right to stop all meaningful communication. Kind of manipulative and plain wrong. Wife has been doing this to me for years, and can understand from a man's point of view how that is toxic to marriage.
 

adelene

Member
Hi Sadman,

It is really an emotional torture. After reading from this thread, I realized that both parties are equally despaired. Left him is the easiest way out. I want to be sure what am I headed for. No doubt I almost headed that direction many times. Even get the lawyer to draft out the letter. wish I have the courage to take that step.

Hi life_is,
Meaningful communication is very subjective. We did many meaningful agrument after I discovered their secret. I can't accept the emotional detachment and fact that he no longer love, want to mend the marriage and still want his overboard friendship.
Platonic friendship is acceptable. But theirs are explicit.


He thinks like you did on the part that my own thinking and decisions are correct. But actually, I need a lot of decisions from him. However, he always wants me to make decisions and in the end, reason why my decisions are wrong and his are right. Or give me the eyes rolling expression.
 

sadman2009

Active Member
Hi Adeline,
If it has to be the way, then let me be the final push for you. I know what you are going through...
Go ahead and file for divorce. You will not regret it.
Last important thing is to get him to pay you alimony. Something like $3k to $5k if his salary can afford. Then you are into something fantastic ahead....
 

adelene

Member
Last night, my 5 year old suddenly commented that she is old enough to sleep on her own. Something sadden me when she encouraged me to sleep with my hb.

OMG. Am I going to take away all her hopes to seek my happiness?
 
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hitori

Member
I know how you feel very well. It like when I go to see my son every week. I have to leave before his mother is back from work. And I will try to leave her hse before she reach house. I will pre-empt my son that "papa is going to leave in 10mins" and when I said papa is leaving and going to "work", he will ask me "10 more mins, 5 more mins". Maybe he is trying to make me wait for mother to come home. It an extremely terrible feeling when I reject him repeatedly. And you can see his "disappointment & resignment" despite he trying to hide it by being nonchalant.

That is why in the beginning of y replies, I try to encourage you to work things out if possible. Now, I am still searching &
Finding a way to minimize my son hurt, but to no avail. I wish you the best!!! Think through carefully, if really all avenues are exhausted between the 2 of u. Your partner need to acknowledge and recognize he is hurting both you & the kids with his actions. If he proclaimed he love the kids, then he should walk the talk.
 

life_is

Active Member
Hi adelene,

Have you been sleeping separately from your husband for a long time? Not a good idea. Builds a lot of resentment from a man's point of view. You need the 'we' time in bed for the intimacy. That may help get him to reconnect. Men connect through sex. Perhaps he is using 'sexting' as a means to cope with the complete lack of intimacy. No way he can get more gratification from 'sexting' compared to the real stuff. Seduce him before someone else does. Forgive me for writing such explicit content.

As for decision making, perhaps you may be more of a perfectionist in terms of that aspect. Be willing to ask for his opinion, and decide on something that he will like (he may lie about liking something just to appease you and avoid arguments). For my case, it does get frustrating when the other half wants perfection in everything when reality is rarely that way. Learn to accept that nothing is perfect, and start to just take what he wants for some decisions. He may start to give more input when he feels that you respect his input.
 
Perhaps he is trying. Yes, we went through counseling for more than half a year. He wants counseling to change my mindset to accept his idea (to stay together without love).
The counselor said he do not understand what is he talking about.
if i am not wrong, your hubby could be toying with the idea of hvg the best of two different worlds. sorry for being blunt but in fact my hb did spoke out the exact words as your hubby 4 t0 5 years ago n in fact afterwards he did got involved with another married woman too.. it toally broke my heart and greater damages done.

now i am like u thinking of the same question too.

right now today is the last day of 2013 and u hv to be calm n think through and weigh the pros and cons carefully before u go ahead with your decision, and dun forget your kids' emotional needs and well-beings too.. i was struggling very badly for financial on top of caring for my kid and myself. still thank god for the govt financial assistance schemes out there. u hv everyone support here who will encourage u positively. do take care of yourself first,
 
nothing can be prefect nowadays.. practically i still dun understand the idiotic husband of mine.. what he wants exactly , i dun know... only he himself knows the answer and btw i lost trust in him totally... despites he claimed he had changed for the better and faithful but come on,, once a liar, nothing good can come out of the liar.
 

adelene

Member
It is 2014. Happy New Year to all of you. wish every unhappy person free yourself. For those helpful friends wish you great health always. :)

I know how you feel very well. It like when I go to see my son every week. I have to leave before his mother is back from work. And I will try to leave her hse before she reach house. I will pre-empt my son that "papa is going to leave in 10mins" and when I said papa is leaving and going to "work", he will ask me "10 more mins, 5 more mins". Maybe he is trying to make me wait for mother to come home. It an extremely terrible feeling when I reject him repeatedly. And you can see his "disappointment & resignment" despite he trying to hide it by being nonchalant.
That is why in the beginning of y replies, I try to encourage you to work things out if possible. Now, I am still searching &
Finding a way to minimize my son hurt, but to no avail. I wish you the best!!! Think through carefully, if really all avenues are exhausted between the 2 of u. Your partner need to acknowledge and recognize he is hurting both you & the kids with his actions. If he proclaimed he love the kids, then he should walk the talk.
The feeling hurt when you see the hope in them and your current situation is out of your control. Correct me if I has misinterpret your situation. Possible to speak to your ex regarding your son feeling? After separation, the relationship should be less tensed and easier to communicate better?
Is it still exhausted for you and your ex to stay together in the first place for the sake of the your son? Are you holding on to the baggage after separation? Has your tension between both of you released?

As far as I can access to it, we have not find the rootcause to our tensed relationship. as a result, similar things happened again and again. It is exhausted to caught in this cycle. And our existing method is not going to work, yet we could stop applying the same method. For instance, it starts with us not spending quality time together. Now, we still cannot spend time together due to our work and life commitment.

Hi adelene,

Have you been sleeping separately from your husband for a long time? Not a good idea. Builds a lot of resentment from a man's point of view. You need the 'we' time in bed for the intimacy. That may help get him to reconnect. Men connect through sex. Perhaps he is using 'sexting' as a means to cope with the complete lack of intimacy. No way he can get more gratification from 'sexting' compared to the real stuff. Seduce him before someone else does. Forgive me for writing such explicit content.

As for decision making, perhaps you may be more of a perfectionist in terms of that aspect. Be willing to ask for his opinion, and decide on something that he will like (he may lie about liking something just to appease you and avoid arguments). For my case, it does get frustrating when the other half wants perfection in everything when reality is rarely that way. Learn to accept that nothing is perfect, and start to just take what he wants for some decisions. He may start to give more input when he feels that you respect his input.
No. We did not sleep separately. At least I don't, but many times I will catch him not sleeping with me as he claims that there is little or no space for him on bed. I think he deliberately avoid it. He is the one who want to cut the intimacy portion and claimed that he doesn't need it, but he din prove it. He just proved that he doesn't need the intimacy portion from me since he got involved with my married friend.
Thank you for your advise. It really make sense that I am the A type of person (the perfectionist). It is time to be less perfect so that I can live easier.
 

adelene

Member
if i am not wrong, your hubby could be toying with the idea of hvg the best of two different worlds. sorry for being blunt but in fact my hb did spoke out the exact words as your hubby 4 t0 5 years ago n in fact afterwards he did got involved with another married woman too.. it toally broke my heart and greater damages done.

now i am like u thinking of the same question too.

right now today is the last day of 2013 and u hv to be calm n think through and weigh the pros and cons carefully before u go ahead with your decision, and dun forget your kids' emotional needs and well-beings too.. i was struggling very badly for financial on top of caring for my kid and myself. still thank god for the govt financial assistance schemes out there. u hv everyone support here who will encourage u positively. do take care of yourself first,
Yes, the dilemma is there as there is kid involvement. Have been staying low for a long period of time due to this crisis. Hopefully i pick up as soon.
It is true that once the trust was broken, it takes many years to rebuild it. Have u forgive him truthfully?
 

adelene

Member
Hi Pasir_ris_beach and sadman2009,

You are right that I shouldn't give my hb any more chances.
Yesterday, I had been thinking through our relationship and something alert me to check if he has a FB account.
Although he insists he doesn't have one as far as I know, in actual fact, he has one. An account just between he and the woman.
There is this bonding between him and this woman that they cannot stop contacting each other.
I hinted him if he had stopped contacting her. And he insisted that he had no longer contact with her.
I was very very upset. This is my last straw... I told myself.

He had been very sincerely telling me to stop thinking if he had been contacting her. But all these are lies.
 
Yes, the dilemma is there as there is kid involvement. Have been staying low for a long period of time due to this crisis. Hopefully i pick up as soon.
It is true that once the trust was broken, it takes many years to rebuild it. Have u forgive him truthfully?
Hi adeline, yes it is true that once trust broken, it is very difficult to forgive my hb in my case. he still asking me to let the past go especially his past affair with the other woman.. oh yes, i also found out by chance few years ago that my hb also used to have one special facebook account under a female nickname just to bond with the other woman. of cos everything was exposed by himself and the other woman. I was able to track her down and watched very tightly and closely. But now i just heck haiz abt the other woman and am learning not to be so clingy to my hubby slowly. am learning to let myself and son go without this stupid low eq (yet high ego) man.

I got to chat a bit with my ex abt the current hubby of mine last night and he mentioned he felt sad for me as he knew i suffered a lot with my hb. what is done cannot be undone. sigh.. wat to do.. i chose this path and it turned out to be a bigger mistake on my decision.
 

hitori

Member

The feeling hurt when you see the hope in them and your current situation is out of your control. Correct me if I has misinterpret your situation. Possible to speak to your ex regarding your son feeling? After separation, the relationship should be less tensed and easier to communicate better?
Is it still exhausted for you and your ex to stay together in the first place for the sake of the your son? Are you holding on to the baggage after separation? Has your tension between both of you released?

Hi Adelene, thanks for the advise. Tmr my bday and she was kind enough to get something for my son to pass me for my bday and allow me to bring him out of the house. There is zero communication now. She wish to move on and make it very clear to me. Killing all future chances. I clueless what to do but my gut tells me to respect her and give her the space away from me, to give her peace & respect of her decision. Afterall, I caused the outcome. (No 3rd party involved)

Today my son ask me to go to her room to play Lego when I about to leave and she about to come home from work, it saddens me to reject my 3yr old son request and attempt to bring us back. He is disappointed but try to hide it. I try to hide my feeling and appear nonchalant in front of him and his grandmother. Her whole family hates me now for being callous but deep inside, the hurt/pain never lessens. One positive thing is we both avoid "bad mouth"
Each other in front of our son.
 

sadman2009

Active Member
Hi Adeline,
Some people just can't stop lying. I have been through that. Every time she would tell me there is nothing between her and the man anymore. But only to let me find out that they have been together, all the time. And it's like I'm the third party and they are together.

And just like pasir ris beach said once the trust has been broken, it never to be found anymore. You can't trust the person anymore. Especially if the cheating and lies are done again and again. Especially if the hurt is done over and over again. It's like a sharp knife that keeps stabbing you again and again. And if you continue to hold on to this relationship, it's like holding onto the blade of a sharp knife, the harder you hold into it, the more pain you are going to feel.

I have been through that stage and now I'm out of it. I have awaken. I have realised that life is not about this. Life is not about having to endure the pain given by an unworthy person or a person who doesn't like you.

We deserve more. Even if we can't have a partner but at least we deserve to have a happy life without pain from them.
In fact, once u have come out of it, you will feel good and have a much happier life.
 
Hi Adeline,
Some people just can't stop lying. I have been through that. Every time she would tell me there is nothing between her and the man anymore. But only to let me find out that they have been together, all the time. And it's like I'm the third party and they are together.

And just like pasir ris beach said once the trust has been broken, it never to be found anymore. You can't trust the person anymore. Especially if the cheating and lies are done again and again. Especially if the hurt is done over and over again. It's like a sharp knife that keeps stabbing you again and again. And if you continue to hold on to this relationship, it's like holding onto the blade of a sharp knife, the harder you hold into it, the more pain you are going to feel.

I have been through that stage and now I'm out of it. I have awaken. I have realised that life is not about this. Life is not about having to endure the pain given by an unworthy person or a person who doesn't like you.

We deserve more. Even if we can't have a partner but at least we deserve to have a happy life without pain from them.
In fact, once u have come out of it, you will feel good and have a much happier life.

totally agreed with this sadman2009.

I also used to feel that i m the third party instead of the legally wife.. Yet i kept finding out more things abt the other woman and taht she did cheated on my hubby and even infected with std... yet my hubby chose her blindly n declared his feelings for her. me.. he told me he has nil feelings for me that time in sept 2011. yet he left me for her the following year. now he claimed he was awakened n realised his folly. so now he wont divorce me , after all he lost everything. now really hard to trust my hubby. All i wanted and still want is an end to the marriage n have a better life without getting hurted repeatedly by him.
 

adelene

Member
Hi Hitori,
Happy belated birthday. Sometimes giving extra space for each other to breathe is a good idea. Woman usually would like man to respect and understand them.
I don't think you should hide your feeling. Too much hiding will lead to people guessing your intention which many will think negatively.

Hi Sadman2009 and pasir_ris beach,
My brain takes the lead today. I think it is natural for people to lie, especially when they are afraid that they have to bear the consequences after providing the truth.
Likewise for the cheated, we will be in our defensive mode. We tends to focus on the negative things. Even strands of long hairs in the car will lead to furious fight. I totally understand the feeling of having a sharp knife stabbing on you again and again. This is why I had already told my hb that unlike his "lover" who agreed to stay with her hb as friend even after divorce, we cannot be friends after separation because of the repeated hurts he had done to me.
Eventually after 2 days of deep thoughts, I change my attitude after I discovered his lies. Instead of confrontation which I had tried in the past and I know I can never get anything out of it, I just treat him the usual way we have been. Will find a better day to speak to him on this matter.
Yes. Once beaten, twice shy. It is difficult to trust. But the time I given to myself has not reached yet. In a few months time, I shall see if there is any change. If he did, I will congratulate him. If it din, I will know what I am supposed to do next.
 

hitori

Member
Thanks for the greeting Adelene. The only feeling I dun hide is when I am angry.. Haha.. I trying to recover and look at the positive side of things now. Juz read a verse from Joel Osteen. "Where you are is never permanent". I feel that it applies to everybody.. We will all get out of our rut eventually..

And Adelene, I can feel your renewed strength & confidence. May the beginning of 2014 be the year that marks a turnaround for you and everybody!!
 

adelene

Member
"where you are is never permanent" is kinda comfort to me.
I will give my marriage the final try. Let him do whatever he likes and observe for a period of time. Seen to have help improve his attitude towards me recently.
 
"where you are is never permanent" is kinda comfort to me.
I will give my marriage the final try. Let him do whatever he likes and observe for a period of time. Seen to have help improve his attitude towards me recently.
Why not look at it as follow what you believe in. Being permanent or not, what matters are the principles we believe in and the values we uphold.

If there is anything permanent, its surely our duty to our parents. If anything bad (touch wood) happens in your life, wouldn't your parents be more concerned than anyone else on earth?

Its unfortunate that some storms occur in marriage, but we should also remain strong for our parents' sake. Permanent or temporary, it doesn't matter. Parents have a permanent place in everyone's life and so do your offsprings' place in your life. What matters more is we grow stronger.

I believe all things happen for a reason, for everyone to learn something. However tough it is, difficulties mould a person and are not meant to defeat your faith to overcome.

Have a good weekend!
 

hitori

Member
Hey Adelene! I am so glad to hear that. I will pray for you that everything will turn out fine. Just to share another quote which I hope will help u when things get a bit challenging.

This is what FAITH is about, u can't wait until you see it before u decide to believe it. You have to believe it first and then you will see it.
 

life_is

Active Member
Hi Hitori,
Happy belated birthday. Sometimes giving extra space for each other to breathe is a good idea. Woman usually would like man to respect and understand them.
I don't think you should hide your feeling. Too much hiding will lead to people guessing your intention which many will think negatively.

Hi Sadman2009 and pasir_ris beach,
My brain takes the lead today. I think it is natural for people to lie, especially when they are afraid that they have to bear the consequences after providing the truth.
Likewise for the cheated, we will be in our defensive mode. We tends to focus on the negative things. Even strands of long hairs in the car will lead to furious fight. I totally understand the feeling of having a sharp knife stabbing on you again and again. This is why I had already told my hb that unlike his "lover" who agreed to stay with her hb as friend even after divorce, we cannot be friends after separation because of the repeated hurts he had done to me.
Eventually after 2 days of deep thoughts, I change my attitude after I discovered his lies. Instead of confrontation which I had tried in the past and I know I can never get anything out of it, I just treat him the usual way we have been. Will find a better day to speak to him on this matter.
Yes. Once beaten, twice shy. It is difficult to trust. But the time I given to myself has not reached yet. In a few months time, I shall see if there is any change. If he did, I will congratulate him. If it din, I will know what I am supposed to do next.
Keep trying and don't give up. You got to convince yourself that all that can be done has been done before you give up. Because when that happens, it is his loss for not appreciating a good wife.
 

adelene

Member
Lonely desire 78,
Yes. Parent are greatest.
I like the part about "difficulties mould a person."
Thank you.

Hitori,
How to believe it when what appear in front of you are so negative and hopeless. I tried to deceive myself for 4 yrs, my hb continue his behaviour until he is so professional in it. Now he can lie without blinking his eyes.
I came to a point when I believe I am just delude myself in the past.

Life is,
Trying to do my best to put aside the grudges and understand his situation.
 
Lonely desire 78,
Yes. Parent are greatest.
I like the part about "difficulties mould a person."
Thank you.
If I can add one more part to it, "exceptional difficulties either make or break a person". Its quite challenging to bring up a kid in Singapore. But, with faith in the impossible, why not? Never give up and you never lose in this journey. What my folks also taught me was that we should always bear in mind the things which have gotten us going and never lose sight of what we had initially set out to achieve.

Marriages fail or stagnate when people lose sight of what they had initially promised and agreed to achieve. Just to share that I ever knew one old couple, about 50+. They are not very old. In the initial years of their courtship, things were lovely and sweet. The man promised many things and the woman won over by the "promises" of life.... happily ever after (wedding). In the first year of marriage, when the husband spoke, the wife listened. Come the 2nd year of marriage, when the wife spoke, the husband listened. In the 3rd year of marriage, both spoke and the neighbours listened. The two had some kids and life became mundane.

The husband and wife still made life when they grew older. By the time they had their last kid, the relationship started to strain because the kid had certain physical disability and required full time attention of the mother. The husband was then the sole breadwinner. It was tough. The wife stayed at home and became a full time housewife. Husband gradually spent even more time outside and had EA. By then, there was no love, except obligations. Promises once made were then forgotten.

There is also the other group of ageing couples who managed to maintain their marriage and stayed more emotionally fulfilled.

My point here is that a marriage can turn stale, if its not maintained. Like any form of machinery, it has to be maintained and looked after. Its obviously not easy to make a choice to stay or to leave. Staying can be painful, if the state of affairs do not improve. While, leaving may not necessarily be a good thing because kids will lack fatherly care and will (of course) grow up in a less complete family. Not saying that kids will grow up less well, in single parent family.

There is this consideration which you have to weigh as well. If you have noticed that he has behavioural traits which you do not agree with, how much longer would you want to live with him? Life is too short to make mistakes and too long to live with them. Potentially, you could end up like the old couple whom I mentioned earlier. Of course, there is the other possibility that the marriage can turn out better, which means both of you must work hand in hand. Not an easy process, but not impossible.

I suppose you (would more or less) have your answers at this juncture. Do what you believe in and not regret later on. Problems are passing, yet what matters is the faith and direction we keep in our hearts.
 

adelene

Member
I agreed that marriage needs maintenance and we have to stay focus at all times. Our love are worn out due to the reality of live.
Things ain't that bad initially when we both realized the drift. But eventually, we both choose to ignore and the gap broaden. We lost our communication, connection and trust.

At this juncture, my answer is clear, but I am afraid that I will regret and give up along the way.
 

hitori

Member
Hi Adelene,

I hope you are not offended, but how do u know when your hubby is lying? Just to give your hubby the benefit of doubt, Sometimes we men get frustrated and tired especially when we are making the effort to change but the opposite sex will look out for the tiniest of "signs" and assume things are still the same. Have you been overly sensitive?

The way I look at your situation, I maybe wrong but I think your innermost decision is to leave him and unable to forgive him, which is understandable. If it is really so, perhaps you really should let go and move on in a different direction, at least with that, there is chance that all 3 of u may become happier , with separate lives..
 


Hi Adelene,

I hope you are not offended, but how do u know when your hubby is lying? Just to give your hubby the benefit of doubt, Sometimes we men get frustrated and tired especially when we are making the effort to change but the opposite sex will look out for the tiniest of "signs" and assume things are still the same. Have you been overly sensitive?

The way I look at your situation, I maybe wrong but I think your innermost decision is to leave him and unable to forgive him, which is understandable. If it is really so, perhaps you really should let go and move on in a different direction, at least with that, there is chance that all 3 of u may become happier , with separate lives..
You are damn right. Humans being human are surely prone to downswings.

Also, you are right that its important to query about whether its a case of being over sensitive. I have to also add that man (being man) sometimes (or often or always) tend to say stuff without thought. Personally, I'm guilty of this.

I'm not sure about Adelene's other half. As a guy, I tend to overlook and forget old issues. Its not a matter of don't care (or bochup), but really that those old matters are past. For those problems which are current, I may not think of talking it out, because it wouldn't help raising them. It may be poor communication to some, but some things are better left unsaid and (to some extent) unexplained. If too clearly spelt, it may not be a good thing too.

What also helps (for many of my friends) was to talk and clarify doubts. Never assume that you know the guy. However long two persons stay together, its never possible to fully know the other person. Last of all, you are right about "signs". It leads to more wild thinking. Honestly, why not just ask. Makes life a lot easier. Assuming stuff only makes it worse too.
 

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