Advice please

zolzaya

New Member
I don't know where to start this long story.

3 weeks after we started the relationship, he then confessed to me that

1) He was married with a kid and he is going through separation with his wife - Since they are separated like what he said, I accepted it cause divorce is very common these days

2) He had a one night stand with a lady and she was carrying his child which is due anytime soon.- I was concerned about this but he assured me that he was not in any relationship with her and i'm not a third party. He will still bear the responsibility of being a father to the child.He said they are mutually agreeable that marriage is not an option

I thought since he has confessed and be honest, then I can learn to accept because these were the past.I seriously would not mind to parent his kids together with him. But a lot of signs are pointing out, he is just juggling 3 women at the same time (And some other flirting too)

But as the days goes by, i kinda discovered things weren't so simple.

His wife msg-ed him every night, telling him about their son. (Common, but what is disturbing is the content, there was one msg that his wife asked him if he is coming back to her, be honest and dun give her false hope. His reply was he is trying to go back)Initially he brings his son over every weekend, but now he goes over instead and stays over. Sometimes he says he's at his mum's place (which is really close to his wife's place), but i seriously doubt so. But I have to give him credit that he is a really doting father when it comes to his son

The other lady carrying his child sent msgs which clearly defined that their relationship was more than what he has tell me.She had even went to the extent of helping him get his hp line reconnected, although she is hard up on herself, and she is pregnant.

There are also some other msgs from other gals which i do not want to go into details.

I know looking into his smses is not right but his behavior is downright suspicious all the time.
(Putting his hp below his pillow when he sleeps, stories he says always have loose ends etc)

I think he is playing mind games with me all the time, when things doesn't really goes his way, he say things like "Since you don't believe me, there's nothing more to say". I find that it is very manipulative because he always got me trapped in a corner.

Confronting him is pointless, cause i tried once and even though the fault was on him, obviously, becomes my fault.

He is staying at my place now, and i dun ask for much, which is the basic respect for me,he doesn't even let me know if he is coming back for the night if he goes to his wife's place.

I think i had enough of the nonsense and I want to leave. But the complicated thing is, I know it is not going to be easy. I do not want to be manipulated at any cost.There are some money issues involved too but I'm prepared to forgo them.

I do not need flaming but just advice on how I could get him to move out of my place without too much of a drama. To minimize the impact as much as possible. I also do not want him to have the excuse to blame me on anything. Coz from these 2 months that i've observed him, there must always be someone to blame but not him. Even the reason he told me that his marriage fell apart.

If you are going to ask why I let him into my place so fast, that was because he told me he was staying with a fren when we just met and it was very inconvenient. Part of me took pity of him and since we are going to be together, why not since i stayed alone. I didn't know of his background then.
 


Why are you so worried that he won't leave your place? Sorry to say this. He can shift to his other women's shelters any time. I doubt he will beg you for your forgiveness too.

I guess you just have to be firm when communicating to him. Tell him about your decision to break up with him and ask him to move out within 3 days.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
just ask him to get out and change the locks once he moves. nevermind the blame game, u're not going to see him again...
 

zolzaya

New Member
I don't know how to broach the subject.

There was once he almost shifted out, he wanted to. In the end he didn't.
 
You need to be more assertive, tougher and fight for your rights!
happy.gif
It's your house, not his one. He has been successfully manipulating u all this time because of your timidness and soft-heartedness. Don't let him manipulate you further.
 

soontobe

Member
hmm..pack his things and put them outside when he's not in? Err......change your lock too...

If he dares to do anything to you after that, dial 999 immediately.

If you dont wan to complicate police, then have your family member or a close fren to stay with u for the meantime...
 

its_fate

Active Member
What 3days?? Get the ball rolling now.. Packed his things and leave it at doorstep. Wait for his return and get back the house key. Good bye...

Call me heartless..

Meng Zi said: tian1 zuo4 nie4 you2 ke3 wei2, zi4 zuo4 nie4 bu4 ke3 huo2.. For those who understand Chinese and knowing the meaning
happy.gif
 

zolzaya

New Member
There are quite a lot of stuff he has at my place. It seems so heartless to leave it at the doorstep.

I know i'm being soft-hearted.. but i just dunno how to do this stuff... I even thought of running away from my own home... hoping he can catch the hint
 

zolzaya

New Member
I'm going to meet a fren later and discuss what can be done.

The thing is now, he is out of job and he doesn't leave the house. He don't tell me his plans in advance. Put it in a simpler form, it is easier for him to lock me out of my own home.
 

cwaves

New Member
Just tell him that it isn't such a good idea to move in with you afterall, and that your parents are nagging constantly about you letting him in.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
continue to be soft-hearted and he will stick onto u like a leech for a long time.

p.s. call the police if he locks u out.
 

its_fate

Active Member
1 lousy idea: Trick him out of the house. Call him said that U bought alot of things and unable to carry up home. Hide at doorstep and when he leave house to "help" U, immediately go back your home can change padlock.. Even when he come home oso no use.. juz refuse to open door and tell him come back collect his things some other days.. JUZ don't let him into the house again even he come back to collect his stuff..

During this interim period, U may be in "danger"... have someone to escort U in n out...

OMG.. wat an idea I've juz said... *fainted*.. juz for discussion, someone can elaborate more???
 

blueberrytea

New Member
sigh.
this is another man, trying to be a chinese emperor in those dynasty era and get as many concubines as he can.

just call the police and get this fellow out of the house if he won't go.
 

blueberrytea

New Member
sorry. double posting.

anyway, just change the locks and tell him "yea. nothing much to say. So please get out of my life and my house."

be VERY firm and dno't even think about giving in.
You wanna be one of the 'concubines' preg with his child and be manipulated by him for life?

This type of men who likes to play 'mind games' easily turn women around their fingers.

Just ignore his plight. Think how pitiful your parents are - they brouhgt you up to be bullied by a fake emperor!!!
 

its_fate

Active Member
Police charge him with what?? Transpassing?? But it's she who let him in right...

Guess police will only say " Oh, domestic issue, please settle it peacefully"....then wat come next??
 

zolzaya

New Member
Apparently he tried to hit on my best fren by asking her will she be with him if he was no longer with me, asking her out for breakfast etc.

This was the final straw. My frenz and I decided to bait him. But haizz... he saw the message my fren sent me while i was sleeping. He left a message in my draft folder,

"Feel good trying to spot me? I've seen what A(my fren he was trying to hit on) has sms u just. I fark her via sms. So this is the way you wan to carry on this further? I don't know what she told you. But when i see she mentioned the bait has replied, meaning if i asked her if she quarrelled with you, she sms you this. So you and her trying to fish something out of me? Think no need to discuss further since this has happened"

He could have left, yet he could still sleep beside me. I understand it was the middle of the night and can't move so many things.. but i have a big couch and there was where he slept during the first argument. Yet, he didn't. What is he trying to do?

Anyway, so i send him a reply,

"yes u r right. There's no point to discuss further. You've inflicted the greatest hurt to me. Obviously i meant nothing to you. To hit on my best fren, was the worst you did. N it's the final straw. You know what to do..."
 

soontobe

Member
to be honest, such man is seriously thick-skinned! you think he's going to move out on his own?!?! dream on...he probably won't unless it's by force...

If...if i were in ur shoes, I'll probably get my family members or a few guy frens to "drag" him out of the house, and throw his things out...
 

jolinr

New Member
Actually, i don't really know what to say.

It's your place, not his.
He has betrayed you, you want to leave him.

Just tell him directly lor, what is so difficult?

The suffer is not caused by the man that you are staying with now, but it's by yourself. You have to stay firm, it's your right, your life.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Pauline, as much as your bf has inflicted on you the greatest hurt that makes him one of the greatest jerks around, you cannot get off unscathed because you have allowed yourself to be run all over by him, time and again.

When it's time to dump him, you still want to be your Ms Nice! We can be nice but not indiscriminately nice to all people and in all situations. You won't be able to accomplish what you want if you are too weak to be a bitch for a day or two, or when necessary.

Bullies and jerks are here to stay. What you gonna do then?? Continue to be nice and civilised??? Hey, just because he's a bully and jerk doesn't make you less stupid ok. Then don't cry each time you get bullied when you know well what kind of jerk he is.

Get real please, lady!
 

cwaves

New Member
Yes, since he has already drawn the first blood by hitting on your fren, you might as well play the victim and chase him out. You got all the valid reasons to throw him and his things out, no need to give face
happy.gif
 

zolzaya

New Member
He's already making plans to move. But he said he can't move his stuff till he arrange his fren to help him by this week. He also mentioned that he can only leave tomorrow but he will try not to be at my house tonight if possible.

Thanks for all your advice.

Of course it hurts.. As much as i wanted to stand by him through thick and thin if he is serious, but it seems that my good intentions are just for his exploitation.

He is kinda playing the blame game on me now by saying "Since you think it's the way things happen, fine"

But I never give any response to this sentence but just focusing on the move. Cause any more response will just trigger more lies, deception and manipulation.

I seriously do not want this to happen at this point in time when the doc said the baby the 2nd woman is carrying is having problems. But since it has happened, i'll have to follow it through and through. I kinda feel sorry for him though, and his kid. But i cannot show any signs of weakness, otherwise i'll only slip back in.

Sorry ppl, I'm typing this to tell and warn myself this is my only chance. Sorry for reading my nonsensical blabbering...
 

danieltiger

New Member
he is such a bastard and you are still so soft hearted. he is a truly a disgrace to man and he is worst than a BEAST. he is a flirt and i pity his son to have such a father as a BEAST. dont know the meaning of SHAME. wonder how is he being brought up
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Don't be such a doormat, Pauline. We can make mistakes but certain stupid mistakes can only be made once. We have to grow from experience.
 

zolzaya

New Member
Out of nowhere he txt me saying, just in case he doesn't see me again, dun be so naive and believed what my so-called best friend said. And he doesn't have the need to hit on something like her. He've better ones hitting on him than him hitting on her.

So much for sowing discord before he goes.

I told him he has done enough damage to me, so please don't take what's left of me.

He says it's ok. He's leaving for good too. Don't wanna say too much on this as he is not the explaining type of guy.

So i guess he is leaving for good.
 

zolzaya

New Member
Of saying break up so he can be a winner?

Another question, should i chase him back for the money that he borrowed from me for various reasons (Mother's day, his son's stuff etc etc)?

Or just treat like i spend it to see his true colors?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Does it matter who initiates the break-up? Let him say what he wants and even have the last word. It's not going to change anything. So, who cares.
 

applepie2

New Member
Pauline

I agree with junkie, just treat the $ u give me as payment for lesson learnt. Even u want to get back from him, i dun think he will bother and worst still may blame u for calculative etc. So just take it as a fee paid for life lesson.

U deserve a better man! He is really not good enough for you. Is better u found out what type of man he is now, than waste more youth/years with him.
 

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