Advice on verbally abusive boyfriend and impending BTO completion (2 years left or so)

[broadshoulders]

Recently, my grandfather passed away and sister had a premature baby birth. During this period, me and SO had a big fight.
1) I had to visit the funeral everyday (5 days) to pay my respects to my grandfather but SO keeps questioning me to WHY i visit him so many days
2) I had to stayover one night at the funeral location and SO kept asking WHY i have to tire myself to do it
3) My sister was hospitalised and i had to visit her (taking time off from funeral)

My SO was not allowed into the hospital ward as my sister was really sensitive due to her baby's premature arrival.
He waited for me when i went to the hospital that day.
Since we only meet up once/twice per week as we are working adults, he was frustrated he couldnt spend time with me and had to wait outside of the ward for me.

On top of that, the week after i told him out of a sudden on saturday that i have to visit my sister at her house for a while 1-2 hours to deliver her confinement food with my mother. He flared up and insist i do not visit my sister as he had to wait for me again. His reasoning is that he thinks i do not have consideration of his time, annoucing to visit my sister out the sudden.

So when we met for lunch that Saturday, he suddenly flared up again and said something along the lines of that he felt my sister deserved the hospital bills of baby incubation (since he took it personally that my sister didnt want him to come up to the house and hospital ward).

Few issues at hand right now is that i no longer consider him to be someone i can settle down with, since he does not respect my sister and family, in effect also disrespects me. He trying to control and force me to break away from my mother/sister so that i have less responsibilities to do for my own family. As such when if i do marry into his family, he does not have to accompany me to see or do things for my family. Also, it really reveals his personality that he is too immature and evil hearted, which i do not think i can ever accept him anymore and wish to break it off. This includes forfeiting the 5% deposit of the flat we have paid, and all the other plans we have made.

 

[Boss117]

All these problems sound so recent and honestly quite minor. Try bringing up how you feel over a meal one on one with him. If he is willing to listen to how you feel and vice versa without getting angry, then great.

Honestly if you are going to be a wife one day, your husband should be your priority rather than your family. Both need to work on maturity and sending more time with each other. If not suitable then faster break up, don't stay together cos of bto

 

[beaverjuice]

It does sound like you're looking for an excuse and a way out of the relationship. The BTO deposit is a small price to pay over settling into a relationship that neither of you are willing to work at.

 

[broadshoulders]

I am not sure why you should think that its a small issue for someone to criticize your family. He actually did it before and i forgave him. But this time he seem to not understand my point of view and insist of saying that my sister deserved the hospital bills of baby incubation . Which is extremely sinister.

Fast forward we went to couples counselling. He deduced that he has gaslighting tendencies and is emotional abusing me.

I am about to cancel the bto.

Thoughts?

 

[Boss117]

Yeah faster cancel if cannot resolve issues.

 

[broadshoulders]

How to resolve issues when the issue is that he is emotionally abusing me. Which he learnt from his parents from young. I love him but how can i take it for the long term. Its not easy to change a person's personality as a whole.

He said he is willing to take counselling to solve the issue. But i am not hopeful for change as his character is built over the years.

Thoughts??

 

[Boss117]

I myself came from an abusive family. Left home at am early age. But I take my parents as a bad example. How Not to treat my family. Doesn't mean people can't change. All about the attitude. If your bf willing to change then that's a start. Trust your judgement.

 

[broadshoulders]

He has always said he will change throughout the years, occasionally shouting at me (learnt from his father) when i am not in the wrong. But i shout back (as im not a docile woman) and my character is quite strong i should say. I made us go to the counselling as i realise there is something fundamentally wrong with him, being only son and extremely doted on by parents. Result is that he is extremely immature in his ways. Coupled with emotional abusiveness (gaslighting). Gaslighting is extremely toxic and may cause me to have emotional scars, which i feel i do right now.

Me also going for individual counselling to find out whats wrong with myself.

 

[MyENV]

Read:
1)What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like 2) 20 signs Your Partner is Controlling (psychologytoday.com)

 

[Boss117]

Do you have a helpful neutral third party both of you can ask for advice/ help if either of you have problems?

I had a friend and my pastor who me/my wife will ask for help when we were having a tough time (we had to juggle renovating house, wedding, business, money issues)

In the end we found third parties sometimes made it worse, but we got closer through that experience cos we know we have only each other to solve any issues.

 

[broadshoulders]

Right now we have cancelled the bto.... I felt i couldnt have a happy relationship long term with him....

He really has alot of personality issues.. So i decided to end it after 3 years and all those planning we have for the future....

How do i move on from this...

 

[beaverjuice]

Right now we have cancelled the bto.... I felt i couldnt have a happy relationship long term with him....

He really has alot of personality issues.. So i decided to end it after 3 years and all those planning we have for the future....

How do i move on from this...

Ermmm... stop moping about what might have been and focus on what lies ahead? One never gets to one's destination driving through the rearview mirror ...

Take up a new hobby, take a course, meet new people, etc

 

[Boss117]

Right now we have cancelled the bto.... I felt i couldnt have a happy relationship long term with him....

He really has alot of personality issues.. So i decided to end it after 3 years and all those planning we have for the future....

How do i move on from this...

Yup, move on.

 

[MyENV]

Move on

Read : 1) Turning Your Breakup into a Breakthrough (by Roxy Zarrabi)
2) How to want to Get Over a Breakup (by Jen Kim)
3) 4 Ways People Sabotage their Breakups (by Jill P.Weber)
psychologytoday.com

 

[Chocogal]

Right now we have cancelled the bto.... I felt i couldnt have a happy relationship long term with him....

He really has alot of personality issues.. So i decided to end it after 3 years and all those planning we have for the future....

How do i move on from this...

Hi dear, am sorry to hear about your experience.. well I am glad you made a right decision for yourself. Someone who claimed that he love you should not be making you feel bad every time or to make excuses to prove whether or not you care or love him sincerely..

There's no way to be reasonable with someone unreasonable right from the start cause they can always make it look like you r the one always at fault..Such ppl are actually living monster trying to consume all your positive and good intentions nature.

I will say yes it's gg to be hard to leave initially, but when you look back you will thank yourself for the decision you made to a better someone who deserve you..

Haven married already so many issues, it's a wise choice not to go ahead w marriage... More ever someone who keeps saying he will change honestly it's just for the sake of saying at the very point of time during arguments. And raising voice at someone is already wrong and who is he that he can raiSe your voice at.. Moreover how frequent was that he did to you and still claim he love you..
Just leave he alone, cause you deserve better... WHich you already did.. (well done!!)

And truth to be told only if he feels the need to change and repent for the better of himself first then he will because everyone is selfish for a start.

Jia you and I am sure you will meet someone better .

 

[broadshoulders]

Hi dear, am sorry to hear about your experience.. well I am glad you made a right decision for yourself. Someone who claimed that he love you should not be making you feel bad every time or to make excuses to prove whether or not you care or love him sincerely..

There's no way to be reasonable with someone unreasonable right from the start cause they can always make it look like you r the one always at fault..Such ppl are actually living monster trying to consume all your positive and good intentions nature.

I will say yes it's gg to be hard to leave initially, but when you look back you will thank yourself for the decision you made to a better someone who deserve you..

Haven married already so many issues, it's a wise choice not to go ahead w marriage... More ever someone who keeps saying he will change honestly it's just for the sake of saying at the very point of time during arguments. And raising voice at someone is already wrong and who is he that he can raiSe your voice at.. Moreover how frequent was that he did to you and still claim he love you..
Just leave he alone, cause you deserve better... WHich you already did.. (well done!!)

And truth to be told only if he feels the need to change and repent for the better of himself first then he will because everyone is selfish for a start.

Jia you and I am sure you will meet someone better .

Hi chocogal

Thanks for the long reply. I think u seem to understand the situation completely, especially about the part abt being reasonable. An unreasonable person trying to quarrel his way through to seem like he is reasonable, there is a term for it. And its called gaslighting. After some time, u will be frustated and confused thinking u are in the wrong, but actually not! Its extremely sinister.

Now i learnt that if a man is in a bad place, he should never vent his anger on his woman. If he does, best to leave him. That is not a man, but a boy! A man will have emotional maturity to handle their own emotions, and work things out amicably.

Thanks alot for your well wishes and all my friends and family told me to leave him which I did.

I hope i will be able to find a good man to spend my life with soon

 

[Chocogal]

Babe we still have a long way to waste our youth on trash. Ok gas lighting .. haha.. and I m happy that you were able to jump out of the whole ordeal yourself without losing yourself n letting all his abusive treatments consume u..

hugs!!

 

[broadshoulders]

Babe we still have a long way to waste our youth on trash. Ok gas lighting .. haha.. and I m happy that you were able to jump out of the whole ordeal yourself without losing yourself n letting all his abusive treatments consume u..

hugs!!

Thanks!!! I hope you find your happiness in your life soon too

 

[beaverjuice]

Jiayous okies! Muacks

 

[beaverjuice]

What have you been up to? I am fascinated about covid19. Can you talk about it? If the same thread is opened please redirect my post . Thanks .
I wrote once again - i cant see answer
PS: I don't know any people with covid and you? rambo

This is a relationship thread and not a health thread .... maybe check in the Health sub-forum?