Advice needed-How to conceive?

[splw18]

Hi all, I have been happily married for 1 yr and me n my hubby have been trying for a baby for e last 6mths but no news. I late 20s n my hubby 30. How long do u guys take to hav a baby?? Should we go for checkup?
Is it a must to hav babies after getting married to hav a fulfilling married life? Our families are traditional n they been hinting us to hav a baby. Both me n my hubby are v busy with work n i sometimes no mood to ML.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

U're in ur late 20s n u are asking such qns? Maybe u do need to see a doctor to check ur brains, not ur ovaries. No intention to be mean, but it is v weird for a matured woman to be asking such qns.

Conceiving depends on the individual couple. There is no average timeline for couples to have a baby. Maybe u shd relax n focus on ur marriage since u have only been married for 1yr. A fulfilling married life depends on the couple, not the family, not the career, not chldn. If u n ur hubby love chldn n wish to have a child, then find time to date n create the romantic/loving atmosphere for love making. But do remember tat love making shd be for love, not for the sake of making a baby. If u n ur hubby are so busy with work, maybe it is not a good time to have a child. U should discuss with ur hubby n not come to the forum to ask general qns cos every marriage is different.

 

[miloice]

"Is it a must to hav babies after getting married to hav a fulfilling married life?"

lolz. thanks for the comic relieve.

 

[rofthelper]

Galgal, enjoy newly married life ba.

Such things cannot be rushed one.

We have tried for 5 years, in between my wife suffer a miscarriage.

Does my answer helps you?

 

[xylon]

Hi Galgal,

http://www.babycenter.com/ovulation-calculator

 

[cuclainne]

Honestly, it's better for the two of you to decide when is the right time to have a baby, than to give in to the folks. Having a child is no mean feat - there's also a no-return policy. If you are not ready, then you just aren't.

 

[miloice]

yah. parents have been pushing us for a baby for 7 yrs now.

 

[icesugar]

According to doctors, it is alright for perfectly healthy couples to take up to a year to try for a baby, and u only have 25% chance to conceive for each try...

So... Be patient, this is fate also, maybe time is not right for u to have a baby yet

Enjoy your marriage while u can, after a baby comes along, everything will change...

And u gotta be sure tat u r ready for a baby, cause it comes with a lot of sacrifices...

If u r really sure about having a baby, use the ovulation calendar to help u gauge when is ur fertile period, doesn't mean ML everyday will increase ur chances of getting pregnant

 

[nichie]

milo

What is stopping you?

Sometime I felt baby is such great responsibility and liability that make be its not wise to invest so much time and resources in bringing up one with uncertain outcome. Have seem cases where children dumping their parents here and go abroad or enjoying themselves while their parents live in loneliness, these are all good money and time down the drain….some may say having children is not expecting them to take care of us when we are old but if not, what is the purpose of having children? Sometime the thought of spending our best years of our life in raising our children and they don’t turn out to be what we want…worst if they are in unfilial….its such disappointment and already lost half of the enthusiasm. I would like to have one but bf wanted 4….ok…still a big gap to close…..need to slowly psycho him…may be he still young, dont understand the dire consequences of having 4...

 

[miloice]

We weren't trying for one. Taking things naturally and letting ourselves be ready for the baby. What's the hurry?

I do hope to have 2 but we take things step by step lah.

 

[miloice]

I never really had the strong urge for parenthood even though i didn't resented it either.

It was after my dad's passing that I really appreciated the meaning and privilege of parent child bond. Its a very wonderful thing. And I want that with my child.

I think parents should cast away expectations they placed on their children. At the end of the day, as long as they are truly happy, that what's more important right? Not how successful they are or if they are part of our retirement planning. Children are not tools for our own agenda. The joy of parenthood has to be instinctive and not looking for incentives or expectation that u mentioned.

"they don’t turn out to be what we want"
they are an unique individual, we don't just want them to be moulded in what we think is good. Its helping them discover themselves and providing them with what it needs to develop to the fullest.

None of us have any idea how our children will be in future.

 

[rofthelper]

Outcast, I wonder whether if your boyfrd is being unrealistic.


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I would like to have one but bf wanted 4….ok…still a big gap to close…..need to slowly psycho him…may be he still young, dont understand the dire consequences of having 4...

 

[cuclainne]

well, if someone wants to have more than one child, who are we to say that they are being unrealistic... thing is, both parties must agree la.

 

[rofthelper]

Now we have sister Outcast with no child yet, and the boyfrd wanting 4.

It's not as if Outcast has 2 or 3 and the boyfrd wants 4. It's different. This I can understand.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Since both want children - They are on the same track.

There would be a gap in thinking if only one party wants children.

 

[jonathan_63024667]

Hi All: Am need here, anyway I feel that having a baby is a committment and is no easy feat. But at the end of the day when your kid calls you and plays with you is a feeling simply undescribable. And then times you spend looking at him/her when they are sleeping, taking photos of them, sharing their cries (as they do not know how to tell you what is wrong with them) at anytime of the day and I mean even in the late night and also the waking up in the middle of the night between 1-2 hours apart is no joke, some will feel depress when things go wrong, like illness, injury, family issues but the thing is to overcome with your other spouse and also involvment with immediate family members and also in-laws. So what I trying to say is do not make 1 for the sake of making, it is another step from adulthood to parenthood. Life is never a bed of roses, but you know what? Nothing is perfect anyway. We have something rather than nothing at all. So for me and my wife, we will try to make the best out of everything cos working life is full of stress already. So do not stress each other out further. Thanks.

 

[denise80]

First of all, do not be pressurised by people who think you ought to have your kids by now. They're not going to raise your kids for you. Neither are they going to be parents to your kids. You should have kids when you're mentally, physically, emotionally and financially ready. My problem now is...I'm all ready..except work stress is building up that I think chances for me to conceive are quite low. The last time I talked to my boss about this, he actually suggested 'next year' because this is my year of performance?!! So ridiculous. Of course, I wouldn't heed his advice. I'll still try for a kid but then again, with all these work stress, chances are low. But I do agree with some of the ppl here that there is certain 'stress' when ppl around u keep urging you to give birth soon due to your age factor etc etc. But if you have personal reasons not to, I don't see why you should panic.

 

[opalstar]

Four ah..... wahhh Sister Outcast Don't worry la, the gap will close very fast once the first one come about.. just throw him to change the diapers and deal with the screaming babies in the middle of night..

Of course la, there will be "nice" times.. but once the guy know it is not a bed of roses than expectation gap will narrow signficantly le..

Provided by then, you are not bought over by his ideals when the cute little bundle of joy lies in ur arms..

LOL

 

[splw18]

Thanks everyone for ur kind advice.
Sometimes social pressures cause u stress n wanting to conform n u start wondering.I guess some things cannot be rushed. Think being happy with our lives is most impt.

 

[denise80]

yes galgal, there will be frustrations no matter what..esp when we hold different views from our families and relatives...but got to really think about what we truly want...

 

[lunaaa]

Well it looks like you aren't ready to take on parenthood if you feel easily defeated after trying without success for six months only.

Don't conform to what others want or expect from you. You have to be sure you want children, not your parents or others.

My fiancé and I are not interested in children and do not want children at all. Thankfully both sets of parents don't mind.

 

[denise80]

"Have seem cases where children dumping their parents here and go abroad or enjoying themselves while their parents live in loneliness, these are all good money and time down the drain….some may say having children is not expecting them to take care of us when we are old but if not, what is the purpose of having children? I would like to have one but bf wanted 4….ok…still a big gap to close…..need to slowly psycho him…may be he still young, dont understand the dire consequences of having 4..."

Outcast, I think the view of having children so that they benefit us when we grow old one day is so wrong. Firstly, you don't have kids as a form of investment, whether financially, emotionally or in terms of security. The only reason why I want kids is really simple...I want to care for them, shower them with love and grow them into independent individuals in future so that they could fend for themselves and lead meaningful lives. If you're not prepared for these, especially if you can't picture taking care of say..an autistic child or ADHD child (yes, anything can go wrong in a pregnancy), then I think it's best not to even have one. You mentioned your young bf has little ideas of what having and raising kids entails...I think you also have to consider other more serious problems in life that are very real these days. It goes beyond changing diapers as what someone mentioned here. I believe your views will change again when you're about to approach motherhood or when you become a mother yourself. I've yet to become a mother but these potential problems are very real to me so I often challenge myself to think...what if my kid turns out to be autistic, what if my kids turns out to be..blah blah. Despite all these, I still think positively that I want to be a parent. Don't think of what they bring to you. Have you ever thought of what you can bring to them? I may not be able to cope with my lst one but I'll try my best. I also don't expect them to take care of me when I'm old. If they do, it's a bonus.

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

Galgal,

You know something? I have several ex-colleagues whom have trouble conceiving too. One particularly I remembered very clearly. She and her hubby tried for 8 yrs. But no success. And she and hubby both were in mid 30s already.

Towards all those whom poured their trouble to me. I always gave the same advice.

'Is ML just for the purpose of making babies? What about the pure enjoyment of doing it?'

From what I know. When both are very into the ML process, a kind of hormones is released that will make it much easier for the union to happen. When you feel stressed, it goes the opposite way.

Within 5 mths of telling her that, she became a proud preggy mummy of a baby boy. That was few yrs ago I told her that. And now, she is proud mummy of 2 boys and 1 girl!

Enjoying and putting your full heart and soul into the ML process, also will improve you and your hubby's relationship. I understand, sometimes there are cases when it's not meant to be no matter what.... but then, why care why bother?

Just do it! *wink wink*
Enjoy it!
Be inventive....
Be seductive....

ML is always an art of pleasure and enjoyment for both... isn't it? It's never meant for a purpose.... We don't live in ancient time when it's so important to carry on the name right?!

Smile and face everyday happily!

 

[nichie]

The problem is that I see having kid as a responsibility but he see it as a gift of god……ok…it’s a gift but we cant just leave it in the cupboard right….effort and resources are needed to maintain them….

Yes, I understand about helping them discover themselves and providing them with what it needs to develop to the fullest or grow them into independent individuals in future so that they could fend for themselves and lead meaningful lives. However, if they achieved the above but disserted you, do you think you have done a good job as a parent? Is parenthood about raising a child to be a fine individual regardless of whether he will reciprocate your love and care you have given him? I cannot agree and I will be very disappointed if my kid grows up to such person. I not talking about retirement plan or repayment but at least show that he appreciate what we have done for them. May be I am quite a practical person, I expect some return for my effort spend, its not a feat to bring up a kid and I know what my mom has gone through. I would rather have no kid than to have such ‘successful’ one. Can any parents swear truthfully that they don’t have any single bit of expectation of their kids to reciprocate their love for them? I find hard to believe. Although my mom did not say it out but I know she appreciate my love and care for her, isn’t it the greatest joy and satisfaction a parent want and felt? I have seem quite a few of these ungrateful children and I am apprehend about having too many children because it really like casino on hw the kids will be in the future. If you have only one, if it turn bad then my lost is not that great, I don’t want to build my life around and for my kids. May be some of you will think that I am weird or its best of me not to have kid but I still would like to have one and would give him the best that I could afford and hopefully he will grow up right, hopefully.

We can know whether the kid is autistic or ADHD during pregnancy? I thought we can only know things like Down syndrome or defects. I guess autistic or ADHD is still manageable but frankly, if I know my baby will have down syndrome or heart defects or other deforms, I will not want him to come this world to suffer because I find it very selfish to bring a kid to this world when you know he will suffer in pain and ostracised by others especially you know he will not live a normal life physically and lifespan. What type of quality of life we are giving to him when he has to be assisted by people his whole life, going through many surgeries, hospitalised often, confined in the house etc? I guess it’s more humane to let him go peacefully than to make him suffer daily which we ourselves will also feel the pain when we see him struggle with difficulties and hopelessness……it’s a matter of which is of lesser evil…..I know some may not agree with my view but I saw this kid on a wheel chair which only able to move his head at my nearby hawker center sometime….the woman pushing her presumably his mother was sometime very inpatient with him…shouting and scolding him but he can only smile back because I think he cant really control his facial muscle….I felt so sad whenever I saw him…I guess if he has a choice he would rather not come to this world and I hate his mom….

 

[denise80]

Hi outcast,

precisely we do not know if a child would be autistic or have ADHD. You were quite bent on the practicality aspect of having your children support you in old age...what if your child needs more help from you instead and can't reciprocate what you've given him / her when you're old?

You're right about upbringing. If one is a poor parent, then most likely the kid is not likely to reciprocate. Then again, wouldn't you be very disappointed if you think you've been a good parents and yet your kid still does not reciprocate when he grows up and u're old one day? Then again, how would you like your kid to reciprocate what you have given? The one example you mentioned in the previous post about not bringing the old folks overseas is not even important to me at all. I do bring my parents overseas for holidays but not all the time. My sister doesn't though she has that time and financial capability too. Does it mean I love my parents more and I'm reciprocating their love for me when I was a kid? LOL! They didn't even bring me beyond Malaysia when I was a kid. Can I then be calculative with them? Is this how human beings, somemore related by blood, be calculative and practical? I can't imagine...

You see, good parents give and don't expect returns. You asked if any one of us would have kids and not feel upset if they don't reciprocate their love. There you go, you mentioned 'love'. 'Love' is different from whether you bring them overseas or not when they are old. If you can't see past this point, then it's true that you should not have even one kid.

Regarding children with down syndrome or defects, no one is a saint or angel. I must say first that I, for one, would not choose to deliver a baby who has down syndrome or other serious defects because it would pain me to see the kid suffer and I don't want to wash my face with tears every day. There are people who could do it, but I know I can't so I wouldn't proceed. This, I believe, is understandable to most. But the reality is...what if you only discovered your child has some defects when he/she is delivered and enters your world?

If you're afraid of not having your love for your child reciprocated, why don't you 'cast your net' and have more kids then? (no I don't really mean it) Why have one kid and then see if he/she reciprocates your love?
You said, "If you have only one, if it turn bad then my lost is not that great, I don’t want to build my life around and for my kids."
Huh...you actually rather have one because you want to trial and see if it's a gain / loss and in case it's a loss, you can cut your losses? I still think you don't get it that every baby is a different individual and is thus unique. I'll say, can you cut further losses to this world by not having any? Because the very mentality of cutting losses as a parent shows you're not likely to be a good parent to begin with.

 

[pantieileen]

this galgal's naivety is so amusing! Definitely entertained the last 1min of my life whilst sadden by the quake in Japan

what kind of mind would post this kind of question "is it a must to have babies after getting married" akin to asking "is it a must to have consummate my marriage on the very night?

Did you remember to skip the condom ?

 

[nichie]

Yes, Denise, may be I will not make a good parent and never in my thougths that I will have many kids. I do not have special feeling of wanting to be a mother and 1 kid is my max. I even told my mom if I were her I will not have gone through what she has gone through....when I said reciprocate it doesn't means materially but emotionally like showing care and concern of your well being...when I said bad means children who abandon their parents or unfilial type...of course...being a practical person I would have save and plan for my retirement which I believe I will be able to go abroad myself if I want to....I already said I am not talking about retirement guarantee or repyament from my kid...

 

[denise80]

Outcast, I guess you're either still young or kids are not priority now since you are still single. Priorities may shift as you age, as you enter a new commitment with someone or as you have other life experiences. I don't frown on couples who choose not to have kids because I think its to each his own. At least they know what they want /don't want and the reasons behind their decisions. It's good that you know you want 1 kid (max) but perhaps you have to adjust certain expectations and also have to communicate with your the other half about it. Your reasons to have only 1 kid to cut or manage losses are also something which your other half must be able to accept. My parents brought me up in a way that I've never blamed them for not paying my school fees from JC onwards. I used my dad's cpf $ for University fees and repaid him the full some plus interest. I consider my hubby whose dad's paid for his overseas uni fees lucky but never thought I'm suay or anything because I don't have that kind of expectations of my parents. It's about the values the parents inculcate in the children, not monetary gains or losses. Despite having it all, my hubby is still respectful to his parents and a filial child. Despite not receiving that much (in terms of $ and opportunities), I grow up well and reciprocatd my parents' love as well. All these positive outcomes take place because beyond what our parents can give or cannot give monetarily, we sense their selfless love and never had once did I feel they shower me calculated love. They gave me everything they could and did not make me feel they want any returns. As long as parents give without expecting returns and teach the right values, I doubt the child will grow up to be very different from the parents. Though not exactly relevant to this context, ever heard of 'Kindness begets kindness'?

If your kid grows up one day and ask you, "Mum, why did you have only me and not give me other siblings?"

Will your answer be typical, "Oh, mummy wants to give you the best only" OR the ugly truth..."Mummy is not sure if you would still love me when I'm old one day so in case you don't, then at least I have enough to survive in my old age...or at least I suffer less heartaches since you're my only child.."

I'm not sure if you're born in a happy family, outcast. The only person I acquainted with and who had similar mindset as you was someone who grew up in an unhappy family where the father abandoned the mother etc and thus he's not sure if he would be a good father in the future. We parted because he was adamant that he didn't want any kids at all in his life no matter what he observes of other families and no matter what positive experiences I shared with him.

 

[opalstar]

Just to add something fun... The trial and tested (?) Gender chart for predicting gender of kids..
http://www.babygenderprediction.com/chinese-gender-chart.html

So far on my families and cousins, is an accuracy of 98%? The only one who was not accurate is one who is born cross year..
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To add on, having a child is a responsibility. If one cannot handle that responsibility then they jolly well dun give birth to it. All those commercials about having a kid is "heart warming" and "complete family".. I think while not totally rubbish but is very misleading..

To bring up a child well, (i.e. quality childhood), you need to spend alot of money and time.. Besides that, what about the time needed to cultivate him? Most career women can barely have enough time for themselves let alone their kids. All those thoughts about coming home to a bright smile from your kids? not possible unless you work a mundane job 9-5pm job.. or you are very well paid to begin with..

Many women with a good career path suddenly found themselves derailed after giving birth, Especially in the commercial world.. If you take leave for 4 months, be prepared to find yourself replaced or placed aside... Are they always happy? some yes, some no.. Others continue their career ascent but neglect their children at home.

For me, having a kid.. is akin to having a pet.. (pardon the comparison), if I can't find time for it, I rather not have it than a neglected child.. Actually, the responsibilty is even greater for a kids, I can't exactly put a child to sleep or give it away right?

So no, I don't think that having one or no kids due to the considered responsibility towards the child and a desire for a quality life is wrong. This is known as an informed choice, I am not sure what does "happy family" or "unhappy family bringing" got to do with this.

Actually like Outcast, if given a choice, I would not have choosen to come to this world on my own accord. From the stress we had to do well as a child, to the stress we accord ourselves in our studies not to mention the never ending rat race we signed ourselves up to..

I truly appreciate the fact that my parents brought me up. Make no mistake about that. Just that, if I have a choice, I would have chose to exist in nothing than on this plane.

 

[denise80]

"I am not sure what does "happy family" or "unhappy family bringing" got to do with this."

Opal, I already said I'm not sure if outcast was from an unhappy or less complete family and that's why she has practical thoughts about 'how much to give' and 'what's her returns' when it come to raising a child. Only outcast could answer that since I asked her that question. Besides, having one child because of a desire for a quality life is not wrong - I've never thought it's wrong but her skewed idea would be that of her thinking of having one in case she suffers losses because the kid doesn't turn out to reciprocate her love - this is the part where I highlighted was inappropriate thinking. Did you miss this part entirely and picked on others to comment?

And while fun to predict gender using that website you shared, I think we all know that it's the male that determines the gender of the child, nothing to do with month and mother's chinese age. I think your high % is just a coincidence.

 

[opalstar]

".I already said I am not talking about retirement guarantee or repyament from my kid."

Denise, similarly, have u missed out her sentence.

Besides, I don't think you are in a position to question people's family situation. Whether one has a happy or unhappy childhood is not related to the topic. Besides, there are many who came from happy family chose not to have kids cos of the risk is more than the potential rewards of having one.

Contrary, I known of several couples with unhappy childhood/family life who grew up to want many kids to compensate their childhood trauma.

Just saying dun fall into the trap of psychoanalysing people that they are happy/unhappy based ontheir decision to have/not have kids.

Well, in case u missed out the part about the gender chart being fun... Let me repeat, F.U.N..

Accruacy is 21/22 cousins, so I guess it is accurate based on my r.a.n.d.o.m survey of my family....

Sheesh. Remind me never to post after u. Sensitive much.

 

[denise80]

Yes, you should have taken heed and not post in response to whatever I've written if you're still sensitive over past issues, of which I'm not anymore.

I'm not 'questioning her family affairs' with the intent of asking her to wash dirty linen in public. I'm helping her to explore her insecure reasons for having more than one kid. Not sure why you have deemed this as a negative question or poor assumption. I remembered I used 'I'm not sure if..." - I'm asking her, not you. Plus, who are you to think that I'm in no position to question her family situation? She could be the one to come and tell me that's an offensive question. Anyway I did share a personal experience with someone like that and I'm 'asking', not generalising or making any conclusions.

I don't blame that you probably haven't done any formal research in your life because the accuracy based on a sampling size of 21/22 cousins of yours is ridiculous and a mockery which I would not further explicate why. Sure, we all get the 'fun' part but you might mislead clueless ppl like galgal who doesn't even know if she should have a baby based on societal expectations or her own.

Anyway both u and outcast are far from having babies (unless shotgun?) in your life for now so perhaps your thinking might change along the way..like I said, priorities might change so let's leave this open okay? I still end with the fact that one should not have any form of expectations of your kid despite your inputs. For instance, you don't expect equal love from your child. You don't expect you give him a tutor, he would end up in a JC in the future and so forth. You give him what you could - love, care, support, education, values inculcation...and never expect the outcomes to conform to your expectations (whether basic or high).

 

[cococherry]

Its beautiful to have kidz with the one I love.
Im sure both me and my fiance will be crying tears of joy the moment we see our 1st baby.

 

[denise80]

I agree, cococherry...I think this is a positive mindset of parents-to-be. Sure, there would be ups and downs in life but with a positive mindset to start with, I think it's more fulfilling to have bundles of joy in our lives.

 

[opalstar]

Sian, really a lot of assumptions here. I am never sensitive about past issues. I wasn't the one getting shot down in the other post but i guess u are. Beg your pardon, I didn't even realise it was you otherwise, I would have not waste my time. Next time will read the author VERY CAREFULLY.

Funny, you don't even know our ages and u assume that I am "young" and not in the "phase" of wanting babies..I didn't realise that the wanting babies is the same phase as me going thorough a "rebelious" phase, or "red hair" phase.. Plenty of assumptions here, don't you think. Well I am certainly not young but I still dun want babies..Maybe some ladies are easily persuade and did not know what they want in life, but i certainly do and anything more than 1 (99% is 0 child but i cannot account for accidents can I?) will NEVER be part of my life

If I did not expect anything in return not even my "basic expectation", why give birth. I give birth to a child, cultivate him so that he be a pillar of the society. I want him to achieve something in life. Darn right, I expect emotional return at the very least from him. Otherwise, why don't I just keep a pet? At the very least, the dog will wag its' tail at me when I come home.

Before another bomb erupt, let me just emphasise, like many people here, we want to give birth to a child because he can be a sign of a wonderful union. Most people do NOT expect financial rewards or treat children as a "retirement fund". But what are kids becoming these days? Loss of the traditional values of filial piety, treat parents as a money bank, abandonment when the parents are old and ailing. My heart chills at these stories that you see almost every week, parents who worked their ass off to support the children, then when they are old,at the most vulnerable time, the child just abandon them. Try telling these parents "You give him what you could - love, care, support, education, values inculcation...and never expect the outcomes to conform to your expectations (whether basic or high)."

Who take care of them?? Modern parents who did not consider the risk and benefit and give ALL they could to the children, will one day become the same victims. In balancing the risk and rewards, it is prudent for most to keep to a manageable amount.

For parents who provide "simple life" to the kids MAY not not provide the opportunity to cultivate each kid to their maximium potential and if that was my child, I will deemed it as a failure in parenting based on my value.

my idealogy of parenting is closer to the China Parents though it is another topic by itself...so you have an idea of my expectation of my child.. just performance alone.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html


Don't get started on the part saying "oh is the parents' fault for not cultivating the kids thus loss of values/ not able to maximise potential" . Can we afford the time? at what cost? career? If we lose the career, can we then provide the kid the best he could so that he can succeed in life?
===

BTW, yes, I just didn't agree with the view that you are linking having one child due to practical reason such as the risk the child will not repay emotionally, to a skewed view and a troubled childhood.

I hate to drag another post up cos I can JUST know that someone is going to say I "sensitive" .... but I was addressing someone else when i talk about the bollywood thing. So what business is it of yours to comment on my post to her? So is either you dun practise what you preach or u have to allow me to quote ur post when i disagree.

I am just pointing out ur link between "family with sad childhood" to "skewed view that need to be practical cos child may not always reciprocate" does not stand.

===
I don't see how does people "like GalGal" well be mislead if she should have a baby. I am just saying, if she want to try for a boy /girl, traditionally chinese parents have refer to the gender calendar and subsequent to the link, I commented on the practical consideration.

Of course, I have not perform scientific research thus the disclaimer it is for F.U.N and i did state it is only done within my family. Unless people with eyes cannot read,.. then i bo bian also, LL accept the blames.

At worst what happen.. if she refer to the calendar when she DECIDED to have a child... and when she give birth, she have a boy instead of a girl.. so? Impact?

 

[opalstar]

Just to repeat..

It is okay if you want kids.. 10 , 20 , football field, is your own business and expectation. You like it , have it.

Do not tell people they have skewed perceptions because others consider things or weigh other factors which did not conform with your own personal values.

Let me just END my thoughts here on having a child. Guaranteed Final post on this thread..

Having a child is most probability the singular most important decision anyone have to make in a lifetime. If we are not happy with the husband, we can divorce, if we dun like our job we can change employer. If we have a kid, we cannot just return the kids to the nearest refund counter.

The financial costs aside, the parent have to consider how to best cultivate this individual to the maximum potential. The amount of time and responsibility to grow the individual from birth to the point when the parent die is tremendous.

Sure, in the past, a child can grow free and roam to his desire. Now? with the competitive society, each and every child is subject to numerous stress as he grew. and the parents will suffer the same stress that the child will go through..

With the effort we put in, nothing will warm our heart more than to see the child genunie smile. nothing, will hurt us more than to see the same child gone down the wrong path or become sad because the parents chuck him with the domestic help cos they are busy.

Furthermore, with the changing society expectation and erosion of society value, we can no longer expect the child to financially upkeep us or even have the min expectation they will care for us as we grow old. Thus, there has been an increasing voice in the place to call for protection of the parents themselves first..

So.. In short, think long and hard before anyone give birth to a child especially if one is NOT certain 100% about having it..It is not just about being "Positive" to be parents.. it is about the "ability" to be to fulfill and commit to a role of a good parent that one should consider

 

[denise80]

It's ok, opal. I'll be the one not to reply to ur posts fr now onwards. Pls refrain urself fr doing so like u always hope to as well. I dun wish to argue with u. I like to keep this track open to all still so that ppl wun feel inhibited to share their views as a result of our disagreements.

 

[powder]

hmm, on the topic of how to conceive, i guess it's as simple as making love or having sex without the condom as regularly as u want and leaving the rest to nature...

unless u are desperate to have kids, simply enjoy Nature's process of gratification and orgasm and u have a 50/50 chance... do it more and your chances would improve. if it doesn't, it's Nature's way of perhaps giving a chance to orphans who need parents like u...

take life in your stride, believe in Nature and God and the greater plans... if me and wife could not conceive, i would have no doubt liked to adopt a child here and there and give them an opportunity in life.... they dun even need to be my race nor asian... believe in the mysteries n wonders of life.

 

[denise80]

Actually, it'll be gd to see a doc bcos many couples might have done certain things inappropriately while making love. It cld be the most unimaginable thing like entering somewhere wrong or something subtle but v impt like getting up or washing up immed after sex. It cld also be irregular menses and thus the difficulty in determining ovulation dates. We all know we shld let nature takes it's course but if age is catching up, u might have to do a bit more homework for it to happen.

 

[powder]

as for the ongoing arguments, i dun see a difference, becos both seek Goodness and a Sense of Responsibility.. these are good to have, and knowing u dun possess them is just as impt.

there are choices in life and we can choose to take them, and sometimes they are forced upon us... as long as we know how to accept that which we can't change, and change what we can, i think we're on the right track.

without kids, i would have a jaguar, ferrari and porsche parked in my orchard condo... with kids i can only have one of these cars and perhaps live further from orchard... but no zoom zoom sound can ever replace the flutter of my heart when my little baby boy cries for milk at nite, or when my girl wakes up from a nitemare.... the cries, for some reason tho irritating to most... brings a smile to me... my children. the product of love...

i dun know what the future brings for them, i just do what i can to bring them closer to a better future... when my baby boy, shortly after birth was given a 40% chance of mortality, of which if he survived had a 50% chance of being deaf... my wife and me held hands and we told ourselves that sometimes - we Are the statistic. for years we read articles and see pple fall to injuries and death, we never thought it could be so close... but it can be. that proximity to death wasn't even brought about by genes nor birth complications... our baby was born perfect, yet in a sterile hospital, he still managed to contract a virus from one of the many adults present in the hospital... be it a nurse or visitor. sucks, but lilfe goes on even as we wonder why... so we dun wonder and we simply see Life for the uncertainties it brings...

perhaps he was meant to leave us without a sin, and join the ranks of angels in heaven... perhaps there was a lack of applicants for the role... we dun know, we only know Life is such.

thing is, when me and wifey were together... we shared a belief that our Last Great Teacher in life... would be our children... our children will sharpen us in areas where we lack... they will teach us patience beyond our patience, responsibility beyond our responsibility, dedication beyond our dedication, love beyond our love and much much more... they are the ones to complete our education before we leave this life.

it is not how much we can give, how much they can give, it is certainly not about certainties... it is simply abt Living and being the best we can be in our roles. even a lousy father is capable of being good, and likewise a good father can be bad... these remain our choices and cannot be taken away from us.

we are individuals first, sons next, husbands next, fathers next... we can be good in every role, or bad in some... it's our life. we simply choose to live... and in living comes Life... and most certainly Death. maybe my children will each buy me a car one day, they may share to buy me and wifey a unit above Ion... they may well live shorter lives than me and that little thought vanishes...

i'm just so freakin blessed and fortunate, to have them grace my life and be my teachers as i go into the final stage of my life....

 

[powder]

well denise,

i think it's more a lack of exposure tat would require someone to step in... we know how the deed is done, we know it can be done anywhere, we know we just need to go, to cum, to ejaculate and we certainly know where to ejaculate into...

if we dun, it's not becos we have not been given a chance for exposure, but mostly it's likely to be ourselves. surely porn or bio or knowing abt the birds and the bees cannot be that hidden from us.

the tongue, the finger, the penis, the vagina, blowjobs, frenchkisses, the car, hotel 81, prostitutes, ktv girls, porn, licking, sucking, adultery, mistresses, one nite stand, aids, std, multiple partners, condoms, lubricants, morning-after pills, iud, rhythm method, masturbation, s&m, mutual masturbation, dildos, butt-plugs, anal sex, 69, doggie, scissor, kama sutra, debbie-does-dallas, shuqi, bestiality, candles, cucumbers, lesbianism, homosexuality, transexuals, transvestites, geylang, red light districts, ecstasy, heroine, cocaine, fcuk, suck, deflower, virgin, clitoris, g-spot, gang-bang, money shot, cum in mouth, swallow, musky, striptease, cocktease, horny, spanish fly, aphrodisiac, tit-fcuk, viagra, erection, fingerfcuk, threesome, abortion.... etc...

our vocabulary, understanding with these words... should not be less than half. if it is, then what is missing? our experience should not be only 1 or 2. these are not new words and shouldn't be.
we dun need a doc for now, we just need to learn n know.

 

[denise80]

Powder, ur example is exactly what I've been trying to tell outcast and that is u never know what ur kids may turn out to be. Some things are beyond our control in life. How can we as parents wannabes be thinking of managing losses by having one kid first and if this kid does not meet expectations, at least we have cut losses by having just one kid? If one is not prepared to welcome the little life, then it's best not to have kids. Sure we learn to be better parents along the way but if the mindset for having kids is wrong, then these parents shld have thought twice. My work revolves ard kids soi feel v strongly that family is the basis of society and it all starts at home.

 

[powder]

in life we learn, in death we graduate...

 

[denise80]

Oh there are couples who don't have such exposure at all and thus it's best for them to see a doc. Seeing a doc also rules out other potential medical or physiological problems they may have. I feel we can't expect them to know all the terms u just mentioned in a long list. Everyone's life and culture are different.

 

[denise80]

Oh btw, porn doesn't share with u how u could conceive. It's a different thing here. If having sex and multiple Os can help couples conceive, then there shldnt be a problem to begin with.

 

[powder]

it's more the exposure. porn is a start... i dun expect to see pple ejaculating into ears n belly buttons. dun shy away from terms, find out and learn... no harm in that.

 

[denise80]

Like I said, some think of sex as a taboo so they wun discuss it. No harm for them to see a doc for some education. Let me tell u something. I know all those words u list and probably more words but the fact remains I have problems conceiving. Nx step? Doc loh.

 

[powder]

i'm not against medical help an an alternative... know your stuff and enjoy the process first. the doc is not the source of education, it's the source of solutions for difficulties in conceiving...

 

[opalstar]

===
Sorry to hijack.. but i seriously hate when people put things in my mouth..
=====
"I'll be the one not to reply to ur posts fr now onwards. refrain urself fr doing so like u always hope to as well."

Please, feel free to avoid my posts. I don't see why because YOU avoid my posts, I have to return it.

If I see something that is contrary to my own mindset/view, don't expect me to stay away. It is a forum after all to share views. If you make a statement, prepare to hear people with disagree wit you. It is part of learning. I don't really see a problem with expressing alternative opinions.

If my posts are re-read, each have their own valid points and stands on its own. Sure, they are passionate/emo but equally factual. So I don't see a problem with that.

But you could put a disclaimer at the end of all your posts, I can read very well. thanks

 

[denise80]

Some just cannot control themselves lol. Sigh. Sad case. Emo-management. Wonder if docs can help. They must win all the time. All those things abt wat me being shot down in another thread. Well, powder, she indeed felt u guys were taking her side then. Ok ok. Kid, let u win ok? I put words into ur mouth, I dun preach wat I said etc etc. Ok. Not going to waste more time on u liao.

Anyway, powder, gd docs do educate. I met a few gd ones. Whn comes to making love, yea exposure is impt like u said. Whn comes to conceiving, there are many myths and sometimes it's better to consult professionals.