Advice?! An affair...

[ihaterose]

yup, just as mentioned...
Im actually being selected for grooming at the current new position...so, really need to weigh the factors. I've already started to hunt for a new job as well. If the new job's offer is better, i'll quit.

I dont know when my heart dies after his "confession", would i be stay cool in my current position or not? maybe yes, maybe no...maybe i'll still feel the hurt but the last relationship (the 8 years one) has actually strengthen me alot..i hope i can cope well..

 

[powder]

so u gonna do it like on tv... confront first ah? ok ok, put on some make up and imagine u're acting for mediacorp...

else actually u normally just avoid.

 

[lmat]

xiaoling, i wish u strength. u don't need to confront him, easier to just walk away, as much as it'd hurt. like opal said, if u confront and he plays his cards right, u'd just melt. and back to square one.

i wish u courage, girl. u will find the right one out there. just not a man who is still married, no matter how rocky his marriage.

this of it this way, if he leaves his wife for u, he can leave u for another woman.

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

XiaoLing,

Go ahead and confront if you really feel like it. Cos it's the only way you could let your heart die off in natural cause. Though there's a risk of repeating of the vicious cycle.

However, what I learnt from TOW in my case. You really got to toughen your heart towards anything he will have to say to you. Build up a determination in your life on whether you wish to move on. Reject all his would be advances during the confrontation. And everything will work.

I wish you well!

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Xiao Ling: I believe it has been a really tough journey for u, falling in love w a wrong man who cannot commit to u n who is just enjoying 2 women.

Personally, I wld just send an sms to the guy n stop contact after all. But as chiliqueen says, if u really need to confront him in order to close the chapter, then go ahead but make sure tat ur eyes, ears, heart n mind are clear to see beyond his excuses n feeble lies.

Many yrs ago, my work trainer (a married man) got to know me more cos he trained me n supervised me in the new branch. Somehow we slowly felt smthg for each other. For me, it was tis matured, strong n knowledgeable guy who could teach me so much n solve all my work issues. For him, maybe i could understand his heart n his past. It reached a day when he told me he loves me, he doesnt love his wife, give him some time. I was young n naive, ard 20yrs old. I gave him the benefit of the doubt n got closer to him, went for dinner after work, go to the beach etc. Then one day he mentioned tat his parents like his wife alot, he is sure he loves me but his wife has not done wrong so he doesnt know how to leave her. After tat, i tot about it for a wk n i msged him to meet up for lunch n shopping. I got him to buy me a soft toy. When we reached my place, i told him 'if u really love me, then forget me n love her more'. It was sad n painful but i know i did the right thing n i am proud of myself. It took some time to move on but after tat, i met guys who really loved n cared for me n devoted themselves to me. Rather than me being unsure abt the r/ship n feeling confused over the guy's sincerity n words.

Think on it. => Jia you! We all have to be strong.

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

Evon,

Claps for you!

 

[texasholdem]

evon, not all girls are like u who can tell straight to the guy to make a clean break. rather than wasting time n youth on a useless relationship , u move on .kudos to u!

 

[ihaterose]

First of all, bravo to evon! Salute your courage & determination. I wish I can be like you, at least not so fragile & indecisive like what I am current as...

The idea to confide my thoughts to him is to let him know clearly my decision & what I really want in a r/s. It's also a way to be myself & to face myself of what has been resided in my mind. Like what you all mentioned, before confronting, I must be very clear in mind on what I really want in future. In short, to protect myself too. 

I foresee he might push the blame to me because he might think I was the one who said yes in this game. I think I need to well prepared to face the blames he might put (or might not). 

Actually, few weeks before I've drafted an email to say bye-bye to him, but never send it out. I'm not a person who will choose to distance someone for a period of time to cool down & slowly break the r/s too. 

Just curious, is it true a man who ever cheated once to his partner (as in having an affair or being a 2-timer) will have the same pattern??
My very little experience can't tell myself about this trend...maybe anyone has such experience can share piece of advice?

 

[miloice]

"Just curious, is it true a man who ever cheated once to his partner (as in having an affair or being a 2-timer) will have the same pattern??"

Quit looking for generic answers to such questions. Rather, sharpen your mind and judgement.

 

[opalstar]

*claps* Evon, you really very de 果断!!

XiaoLing, even if he puts the blame to you.. then just tell him well "since I am the one who decide, I want OUT now...".

Dun have to feel guilty or whatever rubbish over his blame..Actually, on a practical note, be careful on how you end things as well.. Although your job functions don't exactly cross, he may still have pattern to disrupt ur work.. just to either get ur attention or to annoy the hell out of you or somehow impact your movement upwards.. for example, is he close to people who are your superior /mgmt? Think along those lines when you decide on how to showdown , especially in sensitive times..

Do not disclose the jobscope here hor... it is getting abit too revealing of who you may be..Just consider the possibility , if you are one of those selected for grooming, you should have a certain level of skill in analysing the situation around you before acting..

 

[renerene]

XiaoLing, pushing the blame to you as "the one who said yes in this game" is not the worst thing.... If he really does that, it's good. Then can really Game Over since things will get ugly once blaming starts. Be prepared if he says, "Why do you have to be so cruel to destroy our relationship? I haven't told you but in truth, I have considered leaving my wife For You, you know? Why must you do this now? I just need more time..." with deeply agonised face and painful tears in eyes.

Can you take it? Will you believe him again and give him another "one last chance" or still insist on leaving? If he gives you hope, will you be hopeful again?

"Just curious, is it true a man who ever cheated once to his partner (as in having an affair or being a 2-timer) will have the same pattern??"
I guess not. Some men do learn from mistakes and never repeat them.
Haha... I don't think it's just curiosity leh... more like a hint of hopefulness. Are you?
If you marry this man one day, do you think you will feel secure knowing your husband is capable of dumping his wife over a third-party?
Take care, gal. Your resolve is not strong enough. Pardon me for being crude, that's why your "feelings" got played with over and over again until now.

"I'm not a person who will choose to distance someone for a period of time to cool down & slowly break the r/s too."
Is it really important at all? To insist that things end swee swee like how you want it? In my opinion, clean break or slow death, it doesn't matter... as long as the relationship ends and stop further torment, it's good enough. I don't think at the end of my life, I will even be bothered to regret over things like not having a clean break for an unwanted relationship. Cutting off all contacts, vanishing into the thin air works best... well, that's for me.

 

[tsunami]

Xiao Ling, as for the question you asked about a cheater having recurring behaviour, it wasnt true in the story I shared. Its not something that one can spot a straightforward pattern to I guess. I can share a little more detail thru PM if u're interested to know. Be strong and focused on your decision. Jia you!

 

[ihaterose]

MiLo,
"Rather, sharpen your mind and judgement." <- this is what i really lacked off, if not i wouldn't be trapped in this r/s by trusting his words..

Opal,
Thanks for your kind advices. As far as i know him, he would not do such "xiao ren" thing...but of course I need to be prepared when things get really ugly... maybe an email to end this r/s will be better? confused..

Irene,
if the blaming game starts, then it will disclose his true colours also, right? Perhaps this is a good way for me to let my heart dies for all. Like what you mentioned, if things happen in the opposite way, i really need to toughen my heart to focus more about my future &amp; my family ba... I hope i can do that, wish me well

Ya, the question I thrown out is to seek for a little hope...Sounds silly? yes i know...
I also know that a person with integrity throughout all years also can become a cheater suddenly...nobody can gurantee that...

tsunami,
PM-ed to you already...

 

[miloice]

XiaoLing,

no one is perfect, acknowledging your flaws can help you identify your focus for improvements. We only get sharp with practice and lots of reflection internally and some feedback from people you can trust.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Guess there is marked difference between philanderer and cheater?

 

[watching]

Tsunami,

I want to know too, can you please write here.

 

[tsunami]

Watching, I've replied Xiao Ling thru pm cos I din want to flood the thread with too many fine details..

But the gist of it is a suggestion to take some time to sort her thoughts out before meeting her bf in person to talk (if she must). If she is still wavering, perhaps delaying that final talk is a better option now till she is better able to stand firm on her decision..

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Xiaoling: I agree w Opal. Even if he is so low-class to push the blame to u, then just tell him tat u accept the blame n u want out now.

But seriously, a man who will stoop so low to push the blame to u is really not worth any bit of ur love at all. By having an affair w u, he has broken his marriage vows, disrespected his wife n u. So dun drag it on, u deserve a proper love. U can do it. Be firm n strong n think about ur long term happiness. Seek a happiness tat is solid n strong, not smthg which will nva be urs.

 

[powder]

funny, after seeing, smelling, touching to verify that the brown thiing on the floor is indeed a lump of shit...

we are still trying to confirm if it's a lump of shit by looking more closely and discussing scrutinizing the colour.

in order not to step on it, why not just walk around it or step over it? need to discussing so much abt stepping on it meh
.

 

[susanna_low]

Seriously, I will feel tired to be with someone whose heart is not fully with me and it makes me a fool if I tried too hard and it's like maintaining a r/s one-sided.

XL, wont u feel tired too to be in a complicated r/s?

 

[star_dust]

Don't search for reasons to stay and lengthen this relationship any longer... men who cheat will of course say things and do things that make you sympathise with them.. they want your attention and they want to keep your attention. simple as that.

when it boils down to a showdown with you, him and his wife, u think he will say the same things he said to you behind his wife's back? he'll say things to make HIS wife sympathise with him and push the blame to YOU for seducing him.

know what is right, know what you want. say it out, do it.

 

[susanna_low]

I dun understand y guys like to find trouble for themselves??
As if they are not busy enough with their hectic work, they can find time to spend time with their TOW.
How about the poor wife who's spending time at hme alone waiting for the hb?
Tat's prb y i cant understand these men's mentality..

 

[powder]

neither do i understand why marriage would mean waiting home waiting for another person's return,.. is there no other facets in life?

ewhen we're young students, we've got mum who cooked n waited for us to retrun from school, then young adults it's after we return from work...

then we marry and now the wife takes over the role... what isit with women waiting home? can't find a lilfe?

tat's why i didn't wanna marry a woman who cooks... u spend your entire life returning home to eat and laze... it'll really be a waste of life just working eating shitting...

 

[tsunami]

Is there a strong correlation between a woman who cooks n a woman who stays at home waiting..?

 

[powder]

it's fuzzy logic... i have issues with pple waiting for me unnecessarily and planning their life around me.

 

[susanna_low]

I have a frd whose wife only revolve his life ard him, waiting for him to come hme everyday and she will go to bed and when he's later than 11pm, the calls will start coming.
He say tat she has no frds and prefer to jus stay at hme. Sometimes he feel v pressurised too.
Likewise, my married ex colls juz rotate their life ard children and work, tat's it.
They find it v sinful to hv their own life, dun understand y too. Married = staying at hme??

 

[powder]

it's a means to an end...

the quest for knowliedge and fulfillment in life should not see one leaning onto another nor one stop in gearing on personal goals... unfortunately some pple can actually embrace the mundane without any thoughts on a wasted life...

if more can be done, then it should be done.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"How about the poor wife who's spending time at hme alone waiting for the hb?"

It's time to wake up and stop playing the role of a "victim".

 

[denise80]

Just to provide another perspective...

Now that I'm so busy at work (so is my hubby), I do think it's a priviledge for the wife to stay home to look after kids, do chores and look forward to the hubby's return every night. So if this is what the wife prefers and the hubby's agreeable to such an arrangement, I don't see the wife as a victim here. Of course, married is not = to woman staying at home but these days, married = both parties work, maid / grandparents for the lucky one) take over kids and chores - how fulfilling can this type of life be too? If I could put down everything in my career in the future, I like to explore the option of being a stay-home mum for a short period of time and if well-adjusted, I don't mind staying this way or simply work part-time.

 

[susanna_low]

So how XL, have u ended with him yet?

 

[ihaterose]

Hi all,
Just a small announcement here...
i've ended the r/s with him recently..
now at the very tough path..
heart is still aching... trully pain &amp; hurt

 

[susanna_low]

Nice to hear from u, gal..u initiated the breakup?
Initial 1st 2 weeks might be hard but life definitely gets beta n beta as each day goes by! Meanwhile u might like to try going for a swim after work or library for self-healing books to keep ur mind occupied.

 

[ihaterose]

Not really I was the one initiate...
But I just bla everything bout my feeling especially the existence of his W, they are still ML-ing, the feeling I kept which made myself really suffered...then just cried &amp; cried...
Heart still pain though it happened few days ago.
Nobody can talk to..that's the worst thing also

Already tried to immerse myself in those self healing books &amp; articles...tried to join some activities as well...
Hopefully...I can get through it...

 

[fraiii]

u can and u will!! jia you!! we are all behind u 101%

 

[fraiii]

@ Xiao ling...
tried to PM u... we are in some similar shoes... prob can share how i m coping with u.

 

[ihaterose]

Yup..sure u can PM me...
I think I enabled the PM...u manage to send?

 

[susanna_low]

XL, glad tat u've progress and taken the baby steps. As recommended in forum, did u read the book, "He's just NOT that into you"?
Come n chat with us here if u ever need a listening ear.

Lost, hw are u coping?

 

[susanna_low]

XL, u not yet sleeping or going out chill?

 

[powder]

xiaoling,

when i was young n i went to the library to read a book, i realised one thing... i can borrow the book, but i can't keep the book. it belongs to the library...

it's sad, but then u realise that library books cannot be kept. and then i slowly end my money and i go Times, Popular, Borders, Kinokuniya... the books i like, i can buy and keep.

u should stop going to the library and start going to bookstores.

 

[fraiii]

@ Ting Yi,

Well as my nick suggest im still lost and trying to find my bearing still.. the pain does not go away but it gets easier. talking to someone close or even grieving out in forums like this really helps.

I guess what we are lloking for is support ba.

I think Powder really gives good analogy of how things are...

However, one must always remember that you and only you alone can step out of the dark shadow!

 

[powder]

typo - 2nd para - "slowly EARN my money"

 

[ihaterose]

Hi Ting Yi...
Nope..not going out..dunno where to find kaki to go out also

Lost:
I agreed with you about "you and only yourself can get out of the shadow".... But I believe you also can understand speak is easier than doing it...q. Suffering now

actually I dunno how to face him bcos still got chance to meet him at work... Can't simply resign cos basically I'm considered self-supporting..must have a job to survive though..

Erm..perhaps I'm abit slow..can anyone tell what is the analogy behind powder's post?

 

[reddyredlee]

xiaoling,

I wished you well. I'm sure you can pull through this tough episode. You are definitely strong enough to do so.

I think what powder probably meant is asking you to find a guy that is not married and not settled for a guy whom you are "borrowing" from. (powder, correct me if im wrong)

 

[ihaterose]

Hi Reddy,
Thanks for your blessing. (sorry for not replying your PM as I was at the dilemma on which decision I should make)
Ya...the road will be quite tough..I hope I can get through it.
As what always been told by my friends, I'm still having the market... Don't be trapped by the old bad memories.

There will be a stage of self-blaming or self/denying...
I'm probably at this stage now...
Trying to figure out why he doesn't choose me?
But the answer is also so evident....
No matter how great the love he claimed he has towards me...action speaks louder than words...
Sometimes I do hold a grudge towards him...

Sigh...

I must be strong &amp; confident...

 

[susanna_low]

lost, totally agreed..
u nvr plan activities wth frds?

XL, perhaps u can go for a gym, a stroll on the beach, gatherings with frds etc?
I've frd who's in quite a similar situation as u and she decided to end it and she's getting on well..
we hv been getting in close contact n meeting up quite often. Perhaps u would like to join us on our next chill up session?
Like wat lost say, only u can help urself..u hv already taken the 1st step to walk out..do not look back though it's hard initially but then life will be better..
1 day, ur heart no longer ache anymore n u noe tat u've already let it go..
Just move on n get on ur life..wat is past is already past..don't bother abt watever the truth..

Somehow i feel sadder for his wife. At least u r free to go and did not get married to this type of guys while his wife are kept in the dark not knowing wat type of guy tat she's married to.

 

[fraiii]

@ ting yi

Tried to plan but friends can only pei u to a certain extent n thus one can only help one self...

Just to say that I'm not alone n with people like u guys really keep me going. To those who have been hurt by people whom we thought loved us, Jia you!

Accept reality n move on. Else u will be at the same spot forever thinking what it could have been. Rem the mouse saying. Look forward to new cheese!

 

[ihaterose]

@TingYi, thanks for your encouragement. Actually before this, I ve already planned it forward. Already started to join some activities to know more people &amp; to upgrade myself. Though the process is not easy, but I do enjoy learning &amp; perhaps getting to know more people...
Also started to exercise more, give myself massage session to indulge...I'm a bit shocked to see myself losing weight again since I'm troubled with this affair...
Of course if you girls don't mind, I'm glad to join and know more people

@lost
I'm agreed with you that you can't really always look for people to accompany you...at the end of the day, we still need to stand up by ourselves. ESP in my situation whereby only one best friend knows this affair..I can't really bug her everytime to talk bout it too...

 

[susanna_low]

lost n xl, when ppl is no longer into u, watever u do like changing ur image, plastic surgery or to strip naked n offer urself juz wont appeal to them anymore.
In fact, the more u pester/beg them hoping tat they will change their mind will even turn them off further. Things won't be the same anymore.

Like wat lost say, the only thing is to move on..

The 2 most powerful words, "Move On"..
Move on..if u r being too sensitive on trival little issues ~
Move on.. if u r too bothered by how ppl think of u~
Move on..when someone u care doesn't even bother abt u~
You won't get to live forever and life is too short to be spent on those who's not worthy of ur time.
...Move on for a better life and towards ur own happiness..~~

I rem @ tat time when I ended a r/s by saying "let's not see each other anymore", my heart dropped but then it's a form of relief @ the same time to end it finally. I do luv him but i luv myself even more. I won't let myself suffer in a bad r/s.

The 1st week was awful and I tried not to think abt it, indulging myself in books, exercising daily, driving aimlessly blasting loud music, dancing like a mad woman on club platform but the most effective therapy was pouring the woes to my frds, chilling with them. My mood just got better after each night.

Miraclely after 2 weeks, the aching feel greatly reduced, the heart dun ache tat much anymore..n I could once again listen to our fav songs w.o feeling sad.

When I take a step backward n look @ the whole picture clearly, I realise wat a love torn fool I've been and really hate it. I wan the old me back, being cheerful, carefree, happy. I couldn't even make myself to contact or see him again.

Like wat lost say, move on..nobody could help u except urself. U can be standing @ the same spot years after years staying blindly in love, hoping ur phone will ring, wondering when u can see him again, whether he still luv u, the whole mind is nothing but him day n night or u could use some time and a little determination to get out before further damage is done, be it financially or physically..

Furthermore in XL's case, u should noe wat sort of trouble u will be in to get involved with a married man. Have u ever wonder why a married man stray? He's just out looking for thrill and fun no matter how nice he's trying to disguise with his honey coated words. Actions tell everything.

Find a book that u could really keep rather than a "borrowed" one. Luv urself.

 

[susanna_low]

He can promise u alot of things but never fulfill it. These type of guys especially when he is superb in PR are good in it. Shred off his sheep's clothings and don't be taken for a ride.

 

[irene_tay]

Just finished reading the shared story and can't help feeling that my faith in men and marriage are totally wiped off.

I discovered my husband's affair last year and since then, he SEEMS to have stopped his cheating ways but I'm not sure.

Why do married men do this ? If they really hate / dislike or loose the love with their wife, why don't they just divorce them.

Why do women willingly become TOW ?