A tribute to those who moves on.

alcifertoh

New Member
Well, thought of starting this thread as a tribute to a lady friend of mine (and all those who moves on) although she never visit this forum.

She was in a 11 years relationship with her ex-husband till they got married end of last year. In august this year, she found out that her husband had commited adultery and he was caught red handed. Throughout this period, she had dutifully played her role as a supporting gf and wife. When being caught, The husband mentioned to her that either she gives him another chance, or head for divorce.

My friend took the choice of divorce and headed for it. We did not know about news and she was keeping it from us till recently as she felt that we were preparing for our marriage and she does not want it to affect our mood.

I respect her from the bottom of my heart after knowing all these and her take in the whole issue. She is strong, all by herself and knowing what she want in life, what's best for her and the happiness she sought for than lamenting and grieving away her senses. She is undergoing the divorcing procedure now but taking life in a very positive note and stride. She has always been a soft person and it is really admirable to know this strong side of her.

I see the confidence of a beautiful human in her and definitely she will achieve her happiness in life with her vibrant vibes. A role model to many people out there.

To all those, walking and walked out of their past and embracing every moment of happiness in life, I salute you for your spirit and courage.

*Respect*
 


veiled78

New Member
Hei Bee Hiam,

I draw strength from your friend's courage.
Made a mistake marrying someone I didn't love 5 years ago.

I hope I can be as strong and as positive as your friend has been, to take steps to set both of us free.

Just wondering if your friend did try counselling prior to getting a divorce?
 

powderful07

New Member
Veiled...

Changes does takes time; as long as progress is being made during this time it's not time wasted...

You've shown courage in admitting that you married someone you don't love...I respect that and I'm a strong believer in not suffering in a love-less marriage due to the social stigma and how some people view divorce negatively...

Given the way that you have posted so far, I feel that you need to stay strong; draw from the positive experience and knowledge from people here who have been through what you're going through now...It'll make the process less painful...I hope you go on to have a meaningful life from now on...

All the best...
 

veiled78

New Member
Powderful,

Thanks for your post.

There is a reason why I chose my name, Veiled. I have been hidden for far too long. My feelings, my thoughts, all veiled from everyone, including myself.

I am thinking of asking some helpful friends from this forum who've been through the whole divorce drama for a coffee sometime. I have been reading and borrowing books on the law before I consult a lawyer.

At the moment, it's painful as hell because I am one person who doesn't like hurting others. I have to learn to live for myself. At times, it just all feels surreal.

Thanks and I hope to stay as strong as I can possibly be. I foresee the next few months to be a roller coaster ride though.
 

powderful07

New Member
No problem...

There's plenty of people here who's been through that roller-coaster ride before...
Tap on them to help in dealing with the upcoming ride...

Ultimately, I admire you in daring to take that roller coaster...as opposed to those other people who are stuck in their miserable married lives and are afraid to take on that roller coaster ride...

What these people didn't realise is that after the ride ends; it'll open the door to a better life and despite the rough and tumble of the ride; you would have learn something valuable from what you have just experience..
 

veiled78

New Member
Powderful,

What can I say? It is tempting to stay in a miserable marriage just out of social reasons or religious reasons. The pressure I have been getting is intense. I think my parents half suspect I've been possessed for wanting out of a "nice marriage".

But then again, it's ultimately the 2 people who have to live it out in their lives. Damn uncomfortable now in the matrimonial home as we are in separate bedrooms etc etc.

If anything, this has made me realise what I truly want in a marriage and if I get married again in future, to make sure all those thorny compatibility issues are sorted out before doing so.
 

powderful07

New Member
I FULLY AGREED WITH YOU...

A marriage is between 2 people who have to live it out in the remaining of their lives!
You're suppose to enjoy it and be happy in it...for BOTH PARTIES! And not for ANYBODY ELSE...

Screw those people who are pressurizing you into staying in the marriage for social and religious reasons...Do they have your best interests at heart when they are talking to you?

Sad to say, such people nowadays are doing it NOT FOR YOU...It's just their inner selfish instincts to want to "do good" and feel good about themselves...and in order to feel so; it's their "duty" to convince you to stay in a unhappy marriage despite the signs indicating otherwise...

So to them, it's "screw your happiness...stay in your marriage so that I FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT" mentality...
 

awakened

New Member
HBH - Thanks for sharing. It's heartening to 'hear' of such strength and women of such character are role models indeed for many of us who are walking out of unhappy pasts and moving on towards the happiness we desire.

Veiled - "Made a mistake marrying someone I didn't love 5 years ago." I am not sure if you've read this somewhere before but let me share with you something that I read and inspired me greatly during my darkest days. "There are no mistakes in life, only lessons. There is no such thing as a negative experience, only opportunities to grow, learn and advance along the road of self-mastery. From struggle comes strength. Even pain can be a wonderful teacher." - Robin S. Sharma

I stopped blaming myself for the mistake I made by marrying my husband and slowly, I was able to focus better on the things that really matter.

Some people dread roller coaster rides. Some others enjoy them. Some people get off roller coaster rides and feel all nauseous while others thrive on the excitement and are all eager to go on the next ride. It's really a person's choice how he/she wants to view things. I believe everyone has the strength to be positive (there's a very thin line between positivity and self-deceit however).

Having read your previous posts before, I hope that whatever decision you take, your past will stop being your prison.
 

vios

New Member
Actually, a very appropriate topic for a wedding forum itself -

I would like to add that there is nothing better than measuring your own happiness truthfully...
self-deceiving is the worst form of our life.

I sincerely hope that the troubled-group will believe that they can progressively walk the paces to their ideal destination.

All the best.
 

veiled78

New Member
Powderful & Lyn,

Thanks for all your kind inputs. I am so grateful that there are some souls out there that understand what I am going through. Not easy but I'm not the sort that likes to wallow.

I have taken down Robin S. Sharma's quote in my notebook and I am going to look at it everyday. Incidentally, another friend said the same thing this morning, that what I'm experiencing now is not screwed up, but it is a lesson.

I've been back for under 2 weeks but I hope it will soon become crystal clear to me what I need to do. I'm the sort of person that once I decide on something, I try and make sure I finish it.

Lyn,

How's your journey now and have your paperwork been finalised?
 

awakened

New Member
Veiled - My journey, since I have decided on a divorce, has been one that is liberating and I have learnt many valuable lessons about myself and life.

My paperwork is not finalised yet so technically, I am still on the roller coaster ride. I remember I first took the ride with alot of fear. I wondered what people would think of me as a divorcee. I worried about the impending gossip. I hated the thought of people saying 'you mean you didn't know? she is getting a divorce. so poor thing hor.' or 'aiyah, i didn't think her marriage was a good idea in the first place anyway.' I was afraid of the uncertain future. I was also quite consumed by self-pity.

That was then, a few months back. I was plagued with worries that were really quite unnecessary. I cannot remember when it was that I started being honest with myself and dealing with the real issues at hand. Now, I look to each obstacle as a challenge. It's not all a bed of roses and I still do get hit hard by the pain but I've learnt that it's all in the mindset and the essence of life is really how I control my mind.

This path of self-discovery and rediscovery has been amazing. I have regained much of the self-confidence I lost during the years I spent with a serial cheater who put up a great act of how much he loved me. I know that I will never look back on this decision with regret and that I will be happier once this chapter draws to a close.

I am sure that you too will find the strength within to do what you want for yourself.
 

powderful07

New Member
Lyn, the most important thing is that you're on the path to recovery...

And that is something which will be an invaluable experience for you as well for people like veiled who can benefit from your experience and what you have done...

See..Robin S. Sharma was right after all...
You have learnt, you have grown, you have advanced and you have used that experience to help others...
 

powder

Active Member
one of the things i realise abt our local pple is that there's quite a number of pple with below-average self-esteem who would crack at any criticsm. there seem to be this need for sociaql acceptance and for one's existence to be validated...

tat's actually quite sad... we should give ourselves more credit and have more faith in who we are and what we are...

problem with our society is that there's alot of judgment and yardsticks, comparisons and competitions... that pple feel somewhat lesser just becs they didn't get top marks... and all these are nurtured from schooldays...

on one spectrum u got nice pple who have low esteem, and on another u got morons who think they rule the world... and tat's what's really sad.

what others think or say of u should only matter if it should. else it shouldn't bother u at all. u know it's funny this 'cute biscuits' thing came abt... cos tat's abt as low self-esteem as one can get, needing to suckup to pple u never needed to suckuo, and then creating this whole need to followup on that act... WHy?

even in this forum, i see pple having to succumb to all the nicties unnecessarily... whereby they say things tat are acceptable, But unhelpful... what;s the point of being a popular unhelpful person? and tat just sums it up.

dun worry abt what others think of u... it's hard enough to make decisions on your own... why could it with other pple's expectations of u?
 

alcifertoh

New Member
Nope veiled, she never went for any counselling.

Counselling needs both parties to willingly accept and work on and in her case she recognised that it would just be another step to prolong the whole thing.

So, she choosed just to move on. Of course there were grievings, but one just cannot grief the whole life away. Another day of plain grieving = a day lesser of the happiness and future which awaits. It just ain't gonna do anything better to the situation or help in anyway, than being consumed by the bitterness and hatred.

She fuels her life with positive energy and thoughts. Now she is very well on this happy path she choosed and enjoying everyday. She never let other's "expectations" get into her life either as she came from quite a reputable business family where "faces" are important. But hell, it's her life
happy.gif
She don't live it for the faces of others.
 

veiled78

New Member
HBH,

I really salute your friend!
I will garner up the courage to do the same!

Lyn,

I draw strength from you as well.
In my case, I think better to be single then 2 people to be unhappily married tied together by that piece of paper.
 

simpleman

Active Member
veiled,

I don't know but I always feel that it is easy to say that we marry the person we didn't love (in hindsight). But why marry in the first place?

I am not saying that it is not possible to marry someone we don't love but it is all too easy to say this now in hindsight when we look back. What is love? Then and now?

Don't get me wrong. If you really find no love in your marriage NOW - never mind about why you got married in the first place, then it is only right that you should end this marriage - not only for yourself but for your hb. He may be hurt and rightly so and people may give you pressure to hold on to the marriage - but if there is no love, then really it is quite pointless to hold on.

The main thing is for you to know yourself and know what you want. Counselling may be useful - it is not necessary for both the couple to go for counselling. I did counselling sessions with a very well known marriage therapist alone - and he pointed me to the fact that by exploring my own feelings and emotions (even by itself) I will be able to know if it is time to move on rather than to hold on to my marriage.

Human beings are complex. And it took me a while to even know myself to explore what I want and what I need. Counselling is not a mean to save your marriage (although it could if both parties are willing) but at the very least, it helps to let yourself crystallize your thoughts and feelings and decide for yourself how to proceed with the marriage.

Be true to yourself. If there is no love and if you are sure, walk away. Don't delay the decision. The longer you wait.. the more painful it will become. It is better to hurt now than later.

Marriage is only one aspect of our lives. A marriage that ended in separation and divorce is not the end of the world. In fact, it can open us to another world. And it is not really that difficult to get used to a single's lifestyle. We just need to keep an open mind and embrace what life has to offer.

Actually I am quite amazed that life can be so much more fulfilling after my separation with my wife - we remain separated but not divorced. We both became much better parents. And we never quarrel for a long long time after we were separated.

Funny thing is that people always ask me why I am still not divorced. If marriage is just a piece of paper, then divorce in reality is just tearing that piece of paper. It does not matter to me because my marital status is of no significance.

For me I never see my marriage as a failure. I see it as a success for 17 years. It is just that it ended earlier than what I have envisaged.
There is nothing wrong in the first place. Must a marriage be forever to be a success? No. I don't think so. As long as we cherish what we had, it is enough. When a marriage ends, it may mean a new beginning. I have three wonderful children as a result of the marriage and how can I say that my marriage is not a success.

I guess the most difficult part is the acceptance of the end of the marriage. Once you have accepted it, the rest is easy.

I have made many friends of couples who were divorced and not surprisingly many of them today are happily married. And you can say that their first marriage prepared them very well for their second marriage as I can really see the happiness in their new marriages. They became much more understanding and tolerant. And not surprising, they do appreciate more their new found happiness which mostly they took for granted in their first marriage.
 

awakened

New Member
Oh yes... powderful, Robin S. Sharma was damn right when he wrote what he did though I never really saw that my experience can be used to help others.

Powder, I saw that 'cute biscuits' thing come up a couple of times in other posts but I never quite figured out what that was about lor.

Quote HBH: "Counselling needs both parties to willingly accept and work on". This cannot be more true. Counselling was something I contemplated and in my craziest state of mind, I gave it to him as an ultimatum to save the marriage. Yes, ashamed to admit that I was like many of the women in here who were desperately trying to save the one-sided marriage. I can only say that eventually, I'm glad I got out of the insanity and did not proceed with counselling. Coz in the end, I saw that he was only doing it coz he wanted to save the marriage for all the wrong reasons.

Veiled... I'm glad what I shared with you helps a little. Heard of the phrase that only you can help yourself? You can either be your greatest friend or enemy. It's your choice.
happy.gif
 

simpleman

Active Member
lyn,

Counselling needs both parties to willingly accept and work on". This cannot be more true

As I have shared in previous post, it is possible to have counselling for just yourself. In the beginning I also asked my wife to go counselling with me.. she refused .. but I still proceed. And very surprising after the sessions, my mind became very clear on what I should do.

Counselling is not only to help you save your marriage. It can make you see the futility of saving your marriage.
 

awakened

New Member
sm - When I wrote what I did, it was in the context of two parties trying to save the marriage. I do not disagree that it can be possible to have counselling just for myself. I just never saw it that way then. If I did and have gone for the counselling on my own, I might have cut short the amount of time wasted on not knowing what to do.
 

powder

Active Member
hi lyn,

cute biscuits r just a representation of the niceties pple go thru to gain acceptance... nothing wrong with it, just tat some pple compromise good advice and good wakeup calls and instead just be nice...

it's like going for counselling and have a counsellor who is more interested to make the couple like him, than for the couple to resolve their issues... so the counsellor Isn't as interested in solving problems, but just want to be nice.

there's pple who live their life this way, and therefore never live their lives as themselves... tat's sad to me...
 

awakened

New Member
sm, parents like yourself make a divorce less impactful on the children. It is admirable while you no longer can be husband and wife, you still are able to carry out your roles as father and mother. Not many couples can do that. I am against the idea of staying in a breaking-down marriage for the sake of the children. No matter how noble this idea may sound to some, it is far from beneficial to the children.

My parents got a divorce two years back, after more than 2 decades. For more than a decade, their marriage has already broken down and I grew up in an environment where anger, tears and pain were pretty much what I knew. I used to resent my parents in my younger days but I've come to realise that they just did not know better and let it go.

Of course, I've been 'counselled' by the '3 gu 6 lo's that I should not follow the footsteps of my parents, by getting a divorce myself. Some even went as far as suggesting that the women in my family are 'cursed'. I wanted to laugh in their faces when they told me that but i figured they are also just another bunch of people who did not know better. So why bother even granting them a reaction?

Having said the above, I do recognise that the environment I grew up in had a large part to play in impairing my ability to choose the right man and I am determined to walk out of it.

"I have three wonderful children as a result of the marriage and how can I say that my marriage is not a success." sm, one day before it is too late, I hope to be able to tell and show my father that he has wonderful children as a result of the marriage too and he should not let the end of the marriage stop him from living a more fulfilling life. It pains me to see him mope. At this point in time, I am far from a wonderful child to him because I have decided on a divorce against his wishes.

powder - now I know what the cute biscuits are about. haha. I had many ugly and bitter biscuits accompanying me on this current journey man, that took me out of comfort zone and I will never trade them for the cute ones.

doll - no problem. I only wish I could write like him. haha
 

powder

Active Member
good for u! am glad tat u've found the positives thru the negatives... tat's more important than having niceness keep u in a perptual state of denial...
happy.gif
 

simpleman

Active Member
lyn, Yes, staying married for the sake of being together for the children sucks big time..

It is at least better to be separated.. like in my case we live separately - we have no conflicts at all.. we don't even have arguments.. oh well.. minor disagreement sometimes over the children's education or the maid but my wife respect that my decision is FINAL..

And for me, I will not tell my children whether they should divorce nor not.. I don't even want to influence my children's choice of schools once they reach 16. I let my daughter choose between going JC and Poly - but I lay out all the pros and cons for her to make the decision.

Sometimes I wonder how can a parent have a wish for his/her children regarding marriage or divorce. At the most, he can support but he can't wish ..
 

veiled78

New Member
Lyn,

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I am sure I will face the same problems as you are facing with disapproval from your dad.

Especially as the husband has been spending time with my family when I was overseas, so even more, in my parents' eyes, he is the saint and I am the sinner.

Deep down, in spite of all the side issues, religious doctrine etc, I do know I want a divorce and keep the (ex) husband as a friend for the future, if that is possible.

sm,

I marvel at your positiveness. Have u ever considered being a life coach youself?

I will seek out a counsellor to try and work out what I really want. How long did it take you to explore before you discovered what you really wanted? Also, can you give me his or her contact?
 

simpleman

Active Member
veiled,

My counsellor is overseas and we conducted the sessions through the phone..

PM me if you want more info..

Must be joking about me being a life coach. I have a very busy full time job. But I do give out my email and sometimes people do email me and I will try to answer them to the best of my ability. I also made a lot of friends through such email correspondences..
 

veiled78

New Member
sm,

I just sent you a PM.

I hope everything will soon be crystal clear for me as it was for you.

Cheers,
Veiled
 

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