A Place To Vent Anger on Monster In Laws

honesty

New Member
Sigh..my heart really goes out to u pinkbuttons. I think we all sympathise with u and can only lend u our listening ears...ur MIL is really damn too much and i think we all ran out of ideas for u already. Like u said, ur HB shud be the problem solver here. In the long run, can totally kill ur relationship with hubby, even if there's love, the marriage cant survive like this. Didnt u know his mom is like this before u "marry into the family"? Sigh.

I have a fren who's a property agent, if u really need it, can pm me, i'll put u in touch with her. All the best
 


pinkbuttons

New Member
thanks honesty, nope, didn't know his mum was like this. if i knew, i would never have agreed to get married.

prior to this, i've known that his mum dotes on him, but then again every mother dotes on their children. didn't imagine her to be so jealously posessive of her son to this extent.
 

babyfifi

New Member
cho,
I dun mean totally throw he out. What I mean is for PB to scare her enuff to show that she means business. Although the relatives is like the freebies that come with the HB, I'm sure wad PB wants is the HB. He's more important that the relatives. Instead of sacrificing her marriage, which he still wants, sacrifice the relations with the relatives.

I personally feel that PB shld get a rented place so that if things get too bad, she can go to a place to seek some peace but dun really move out. Once PB moves out, the war is over and she lost. MIL has won HB and her MIL will get the HB to divorce her cos seperation has already started. Dun let the "seperation period" start counting if you still want the marriage.

Although its mean, fight for you HB if you still love him and dun want to divorce. Even if it means u have to pry him away from his mum, do it. Even if you have to be mean, do it. This is a war between 2 women for 1 man. The one who gives up first loses the man cos the moment she lives, the other will have all the opportunity to "win over his mind". If you stay and fight, its hard on you but at least he remembers that you are still there.
 

september

New Member
win the husband over? it is difficult...unless u can make ur husband hate his mum......which may mean to stoop real low and evil liao....but is it worth it?
 

cactus_79

New Member
fifi, personal protection order will only be issued if there is history of violence, physical violence. mental won't work. the police won't care.... it's sad but true.

also, if chase MIL away, MIL can file a letter with forget-what's-the organisation-called, to ask PB's husband to take care of her... this can be done if it can be shown that MIL has no income and no roof over head. It's some parental maintenance act thing. It's been legislated.

I think the fight shoudln't be between PB and the MIL. It should be heart to heart discussion between PB and her husband. After all, PB married the man, not the MIL. It shouldn't matter whether MIL hates her or likes her. In the event MIL hates PB for whatever reason, the person to be upset shoudl be PB"s husband , not PB. AT least, if PB's husband is able to protect her from his mom. Sorry for being brutally honest, PB, I think your husband is really to be blamed for mmost which has happened here.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
it's all right, cactus. i appreciate all of your frank comments.

i agree that my husband hasn't been handling the situation well (if at all!). in fact, it's obvious that my mil is taking advantage of the fact that he won't dare do anything.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
simpleman, currently still staying at home until i find a place to rent.

i din mention to my hb or mil, cos i know there'll be another scene if they know i'm planning to move out.

just taking one step at a time...
 

cys

New Member
where do you work ? the forumers can help you look out for renting place and post here for your ref.
 

cactus_79

New Member
hi PB, I feel you should tell your husband that you plan to move out. Then, do move out. Cos I don't think your husband will appreciate it if you drop the news on him at the same time you tell your MIL...it will make him feel you view him and your MIL on the same side. NOt sure if I'm getting what I feel accurately across in this post.
 

jsim

New Member
Hi PB,

have been following the thread so far. I have only this to say "Get out of the house fast" At the rate your MIL is going, sooner or later you will go insane.

Just make sure that you talk it out with your hubby. Be very firm and get him to see things from your point of view. Tell him you know that it's hard to be sandwiched bet his mum and wife but he has to be very rational to see the whole situation.

Give him a scenerio where your future kids faced that with their inlaws. How would he want his kids to handle the situation?

Hope that helps a little.
happy.gif
Meanwhile be brave.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
headache, i work at raffles place. but my job entails quite a bit of running about in the East. looking for a small unit close to the MRT (and affordable!) cos i don't drive.

if anyone has any lobang, pls do pm me. i'm starting to get a bit anxious.

cactus, i understand what you mean... but seeing my hubby's track record, i'll likely tell my hb only after i've found a place. else he'll go blabbing to his mum, then my life would be even more miserable before i move out. furthermore, my mum is with us now, i dun want to have her spend her days kanna scolding by my mil & her relatives.

my mum is also quite concerned. she saw a show on tv abt a psycho wife who's behaviour reminds her of my mil - she's afraid that one day my mil will snap & come after me with a knife or poison or something (like a jealous wife!).

JustMe, i've tried talking to my hb so many times. he sees my point yet doesn't seem to understand. i've asked him a few times the question of what if the person in my shoes is our daughter, what would he do? he never answers...
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi PB, I'm glad you have some sense of direction and what you plan to do going forward. We can only provide you with suggestions but only you know the situation and how different personalities interact.
 

faintz

New Member
hi,PB

Really pei fu you.. you are determined and know what you wan and your love for you HB is overwhelming even though he does not seem to be supportive.. must jia you to fight for what should belong to you! jia You!
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
many thanks to all for your support...

frankly faintz, i'm rather tired of fighting... of cos i wish everything will fall into place, but since nothing has, then i suppose the next best thing is simply to walk away. else, i really will 'faintz' (sorry, a bit corny - couldn't resist...)

as some of you have pointed out, i'm still young & got many years ahead of me. i dun wan to spend the next 10 - 20 yrs in gloom & doom.

my mil said that when my hb was young, she brought him to a very famous geomancer cum fortune teller, who told her that he will have 2 wives. she believes that, and even as we speak, she's probably on the look-out for her son's potential 2nd wife. she's already recommending to him his cousin's ex-girlfriend... i dun really believe in such, but then again recetly i've learnt that anything is possible. anyway if my mil is bent set on getting her son a new wife, i doubt my hb has the spine to reprimand her.
 

faintz

New Member
Hi, PB

You MIL is really loose up there.. my goodness!!! She is siao or what.. every mother wants her son to be blessed with a good wife and you are one and she is still treating you that way.. she very kan bu kai..aiyo.. pardon me but really can't stand it.
 

flyingstar

New Member
Hi PB,

Seems to me that your MIL is trying her best to make the geomancer's words come true.

Oh well, I guess for yourself it is all the better to quickly get away. Sorry to say but I am starting to think that divorce is the probably the best if not the only option right now.

Really feel very unfair for you.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi PB, I'm starting to see some light in why your MIL is behvaing in this way. She's a very superstitious lady and she prob was told that the 1st wife is "not good", therefore, your husband will have a second wife.

That aside, you are right to say that your husband prob won't stand up for you. I think you seriously need to reconsider whether you want out of ths marriage.
 

cho

New Member
PB: agreed with Diana that it might nt be worth to chase MIL out.. looking at another angle.. ur HB is having a hard time because he wans to please both women (alt he prob doesnt understand what "1 mountain cannot hide 2 tigers" mean)

if he were to chase his MIL out n stay with u.. it'll only show wat type of son he is, rite?

i agree that his mum mayb a little insane etc.. but mayb look at it tis way.. parents will nv forsake their children no matter wat reasons and mayb similarly ur HB feels he shouldnt forsake his mum? (juz my tots.. =))

However,he really needs to be firm and stand up for u.. tat is the role of a husband..

or mayb u can bring up the old wedding vows..? and remind him of wat he "promised" u last time?

i mean, all u're asking for is not to chase MIL out of house.. but at least keep her "in line".. and how can he stand aside n watch u suffer?

====================
cactus: u mean got such a superstition that 1st wives r no good???
 

cho

New Member
PB: sry, din see ur last post...
u mean ur MIL really serious she wanted intro "new" wife to ur HB??? does ur HB noe?

and he nv say anything? oh my god..
u shld gif him a good wake up "slap"!!

sry for the violence.. but i tink tat's WAY overboard!
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi cho,

No, I don't mean that 1st wifes are not good. What I mean to say is people only take 2nd wife if 1st wife is "not good" right? THat's prob the inference that MIL drew from what the fortune teller said. SEriously, if 1st wife is good, why would a man want to take a 2nd wife?

Of course, I'm not commenting on PB's situation. Just trying to see things from PB's MIL's point of view.
 

jsim

New Member
aiyo PB,

i am really at a lost of words liao. Your hubby seemed rather helpless. Cant even answer that question. Nevertheless be strong ya.

har? second wife ah? tell her sg laws does not allow when you are still legally married under the eyes of the law. anyway i feel that your MIL is very screw loose lah. agree with faintz.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
the part about the 2nd wife we only found out when my mom came & spoke to my mil. my hubby also said that's the 1st time he heard it mentioned...

all he does is tell his mom not to be silly. but the thing is blood ties run strong rite? i mean, his mom can throw whatever tantrum she wants, but when things simmer down, the 2 of them still laugh & talk like nothing happened. when in fact, nothing is resolved. i, on the other hand, am just standing by waiting for another outburst over who-knows-what...
 

cho

New Member
PB.. no doubt blood ties run strong..
but u're e mother of his future child ma..

i feel tat he shld at least hav a "jiao dai" to u..
mayb remind him again? wedding vowes etc?

u're not asking him to be unfilial to his mum.. but on certain occasions, he has to defend u ma..

or say sth to stop his mum when she's ranting at u and ur mum.. he doesnt need to hit or scold her.. but at least he can say sth to make her stop or pull her aside? tell him mayb tat u'll appreciate him do anything but "nothing"?
 

cho

New Member
oh! how abt marriage prep course?

alt it's a bit late.. but i tink some centres provide courses on hw to deal with in laws..

alternatively, u can try "reverse psychology".. meaning when she's meaner.. try to be even "nicer" towards her..

like if she complains e food u cook is v horrible, u can cook e same dishes every nite to irritate her? if she dun eat, say she cant waste ur HB hard earned $?

like those drama serials.. alt it's a looonnnngg shot
 

babyfifi

New Member
Why I suggested for PB to show her MIL that if pushed to the limits, she can fight back is cos drastic times takes drastic measures. I emphasize, you are not really gonna throw her out but just show her that you can throw her out. Dun let her live in her dillusional world.

It might work. My FH does not get along with hid father. He wanted to exclude the father from our wedding. The mum came and threatened me that if I cannot tell my FH to include the father, she will also not attend and we should get married in secret. Like I am jian bu de guang like that. I told her straight that given my family background, there is no way that I will get married in secret. My wedding will be a reasonably grand affair (although actually we are not gonna have it very grand la... just simple, normal one) whether she likes it or not. She kept quiet for a moment - like abit stunned.

And I told her straight to consider her son's position. If she dun want him to be in a difficult position, then she should co-operate. Somehow or other that did work to some extent. She does not interfere with our wedding preps but yet is rather cooperative.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi PB,
yes, it's true that blood ties run deep, but it doesn't mean that every child has to give in to an unreasonable parent.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
i know, i've had numerous discussions w my hb over the last few months over this. reminded him that marriage is between the 2 of us, but seems more like this marriage is between him and his mother instead.

so many times i've told him that him & his mom is not being fair to me. in response he can only say that it's difficult for him being sandwiched between the 2 of us.

when his mom scolds me all he does is frown, may say something to defend, but drowned out by his mom. when my dad called to scold my mil bcos she scolded me, my hb just glare at me like blaming me for telling my dad to scold his mom.

i give up... for all i care, if she wants him, she can keep him. till death do they part...
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hey PB, I get the impression you are set on getting out of the marriage. If my instinct is not wrong, why don't you just go ahead and make life hell for MIL? Initially, my advice to you was to try take it cooly, cos I wasn't sure if you wanted to make up with your husband - making up with husband is not the right phrase cos the only issue is between you and your MIL, but I can't think of anything else to say liao. Now that you want out, just go ahead and make life hell for the crazy MIL lah.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
my instinct now is mainly to get out & get on with my life... whether or not i want to continue, i really don't know at this juncture
 

cactus_79

New Member
If your husband's attitude doesn't change for the better, it may be wiser to end the marriage than to continue with it. I don't see how you can ever be happy if your MIL pits herself against you and your husband stands by her.
 

cys

New Member
so pinkbuttons you intend to move out and then really divorce your HB ?

i'm just thinking, if you still love your HB, maybe you can move out for a few years, until your MIL pass away then you and HB get on with life again. If you divorce now, next time you two want to get together again - you have to get married again - very troublesome.

But if you are sure this is not the man for you, then by all means go ahead and divorce and find another HB.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
headache, likely to move out first then see how.
we've only been married less than 6 months... i'm quite at loss over what to do. divorce needs min 3 yrs rite?

i doubt my mil will pass away so soon. likely she'll live to a ripe old age. even now, she's still very young - just barely over 50 & in the pink of health.
 

flyingstar

New Member
Did you do the ROM on your customary as well? At least if you ROM earlier then the wait won't be so long.

Anyway my take is that, your hb cannot stand by you even at times of critical crisis (i feel this is a very serious problem) so obviously he does not love you as much as you love him (since you are able to tolerate so much).

I'm glad you have taken your first step...move out already then perhaps things might change for the better ya? The rest will be based on how your hb reacts then.
 

cys

New Member
if MIL still healthy , well really too bad... yea just move out first. hey hey who knows maybe during the period of living apart you may meet another great guy, apply for divorce then is still not too late. During the period of living apart, keep your relationship options open, because now you know your current HB is not really someone who'll be with you thro' thick & thin. its like changing job, not suitable/no bonus/no benefits, quit and go elsewhere.
 

tge25

New Member
Pinkbutton,

I heard before you can annul your marriage one leh...but dunno how it works...


maybe the others of the gals heard before

i have a fren who annul her marriage few years back..tt time she was like 1 year into the ROM lor... but havent customary...can annul...but must be both party agree and dunno wat condition
 

cactus_79

New Member
Yah, Diana is right. Both parties must swear to say have not had sex since ROM date...

If not, then must wait 3 years for divorce unless have aggravating factors like extreme spousal abuse,. that the marriage is causing undue hardship to a party or both parties.
 

cactus_79

New Member
If so, PB must make sure husband will never play her out and tell the truth....cos it is an offence to tell a lie to the courts....
 

cactus_79

New Member
to be honest lah, PB, all lawyers are just out to make a quick buck. They will drag out the case for you. no point. Why don't you check out the family court website for information about divorce and annulment?

From what I heard from you, I think annulment is difficult, cos when husband and wife live under the same roof,share the same bed, for a few months even, there is already the presumption that there is consummation since AD already over.

Usually annulemtn si when ROM only, no AD, and parties willing to say no connsummation. Usuually in such a situation, parties also dun stay in the same house.

If all you want is so personal space, I think no need to go all out to get a divorce/annulment now. More importantly is to move out first. Take things one step at a time.
 


faintz

New Member
Hi, PB

I empathised with you and felt you are doing a lot for your "mummy boi husband".. pardon me for saying so but really your hubby is not standing by you in this critical time and is a bit useless as a husband. I agree blood is always thicker. To them, we are like outsider who needs time to adapt to and eventually include in the family if ever there is this one day.. The lucky part for you is that you do not have children and you can still get out and move on.

But perhaps, if you really love your man, maybe move out and rent a place to stay on your own with him like what you tot earlier.. If things are still as bad, let his mum had her baby boi back.. This mother is sick!!! Dun bother abt marriage counselling thingy. waste money and waste time..
 

Top