A Place To Vent Anger on Monster In Laws

emptiness

New Member
Hi pinkbuttons,

Ur r/s wif ur mil cannot be mended so easily anymore. Its worse than the war between US n Iraq,its a never ending Vietnam War,its as complicated as the Japan invasion of Nanking.

The hatred between the both of u is killing everyone including ur hb. N like the wars above, nthg can appease both of u, there will be simply no win-win solutions in sight, not in a few years time.

The real reasons behind may be very complicated. They may not be just wat u see. Many aspects like, cultures, religions, personalities,do play a crucial part in how we interact wif others. Its just tt we can choose wat frds to make or stick around, but we can't choose our spouse's parents or families.

So, if all of u r so suffering, to a point where u wished her dead, then don't wait for ur hb to make a choice; u can make one urself now: choose hb, whom must keep mom wif him; or choose no mil, which means u will hv to separates wif hb.

Forget abt the flat for now ( its urs anyway since u r paying for it), leaves n live apart fr hb n mil. Hb can then assess the real situation n may come up wif new solutions. Be it good or bad to u, just see wat happens then becos during this separation period, u may also see things in a diff light. Who knows? ur mil may also find her light.

Good luck!
 


cactus_79

New Member
Hi pinkbuttons,

I'm sorry to hear how the story has developed. How is your husband taking it? You must try to have him on your side okay?

I think the best is to have your husband and you move out of the house. Just tell pple that you both want to salvage your relationship with MIL and mother, so it's best to keep a distance.

Please don't think about divorce so easily just because of a third party. I hope your husband is as committed to marriage as you.
 

cys

New Member
I think you husband is also in a difficult position. Side you also cannot, side his mum also cannot. Why don't both of you rent a place and escape for a while ? Until the whole thing cool off abit ? The Godma can be the informer - let you all know when the coast is clear then you all come out of hiding to talk things through with your MIL.

Of course you will be worried that relatives will yak and your hb will be worried about being labled unfalial, but what else can both of you do at this point ? Nothing. Because seems like counselling is not the option right? And both don't want divorce right ? So just hide away for awhile and see what happen.
 

pinkhippo2002

New Member
pinkbuttons

from your MIL's perspective, she REALLY feel you are the bad woman.

moved out of the house before she knife you!
I mean, better be safe than sorry, right?

we all watch 'crime watch' on TV, that's how big fights & subsequent murder came about

I'm not suggesting she's a muderer. But in her agitated state, better cool down & live away from her separately for the moment
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
btw, cactus... my hb cannot move out of the house, cos she said that would mean i win & she loses. if i move out, i have to do so alone...

we can't even go on a weekend trip together, cos she feels that would also mean she loses. believe me, i dun want to hear her screaming again...

she freaked out when my hb & i went for dinner together on valentine's day. it's that extreme. stress, stress...
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi pinkbuttons,

I think the ball is in your hb's court. It's how he wants to balance his priorities between his mom and his wife.
 

elovechat

New Member
writing everything in caps is very rude. I believe most who read your post on "Gong Xi Fa Cai" all over the forum will agree with me won't feel comfortable.
 

janicachan

New Member
as expected, my mil asked me why i still hv no babies. n prompted this year is the year of pig, so its good to have a baby this year.

but i never expect she would ask me this qtn b4 i even step into her house.

at first day of cny, i went to her place to bai nian, but at the gate b4 i went in the house, she asked me to hv a baby this year!

and inside the hse, she asked me again whether i have c doc to chk wat's wrong w/ me that i never conceive. ( she asked me b4 to go a doc she recommend me, claim that many couples c him for few sessions will sure get pregnant)

now everytime seeing her i am very stress. coz everytime without fail she would ask me this embarrass qtn.

in fact i am quite angry w/ her that the way she asked me implys that i am incapable to conceive.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi Janica, poor thing!! What does your husband say to that? Surely your husband is educated enough to know there may not be a problem at all. And if there is a problem it may not lie with you/only with you?!
Your MIL is probably very very anxious at having a grandchild.
happy.gif
Perhaps your husband can talk to her about it? If it happened to me, I will definately get my husband to talk to her about it!
 

dur30cat

New Member
Janica, if both you and ur hubby have an agreement not to have babies that soon, then just him tell his mom that firmly.

No need to stress. The next time you go over, *borrow* a pet dog and say it's your son or daughter. :p

Pinkbuttons,
Actually, I think all your mil is doing is to attract her son's attention. If he is out of the picture, maybe she doesn't have any reason to put up a show.

I suggest that your hb move out alone for a few days or so. Let your mil feel the panic and call her son.

Have hb tell her that he feels very sandwiched between so he decides to move out since he feels no peace in the house. And that he won't come back until there is a resolution and that divorce is not a solution -- if your mil wants to continue staying with you both at your place, she needs to know that she has to maintain peace. Else she can move out.

You know, sometimes, the unexpected may jostle your mil out of her wits and knock some sense into her. With your hb *doing the outburst*, maybe it'll work.

Of course, your hb has to agree to *act* on this else it won't work. His breaking down would have more impact on your mil than you since he's still ultimately her son.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
hi emy, my mil told my hubby that she would follow him wherever he goes, till the day she dies. she already knows that he feels sandwiched, but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

she sent me an sms that day, told me to stop asking my hb to go on holidays with me. she said i was the source of all their quarrelling.

today she asked me for $2k to replace all the furniture in her bedroom cos i had allowed my relatives to stay over during the week before my wedding. i was upset & told my hb about it, & he spoke to his mum. she threw another fit, & from wat i know she threatened that she won't be coming home tonight - she'll be sleeping at the airport.

i'm really on the verge of breaking down. i haven't been happy at all since the wedding, & just want to continue with my life, w/o all the emotional baggage. if anyone could offer me some advice on annulment / divorce, i'd be very grateful...
 

dur30cat

New Member
I just think you shouldn't be so rash. If she's so adamant about following her son wherever he goes, ask your hb to go stay outside for a while. That will buy you some peace.

I am not quite sure how both of you have agreed to come to be married but you do have to remember and remind you hb that you are now *both* in it together.

I have a feeling that your mil is probably jealous; fearing irrationally that she is losing her son's attention and $$$ which is going to you. Or perhaps knowing that you have paid for a lot of stuff, assumed that you have a lot of $$.

If the furniture in her room is paid by you, just tell her calmly that you can't afford to replace them. She can replace them with her own $$ if she wishes or not use them if she wants.

I bet she's just trying to drive her son to an ultimatum to do a divorce so the more both of you have to stick together and rough it out.

Since your hb still brought you out for dinner on Valentine's, it shows you still mean something to him.

Both you and ur hb should sit down with your mil and ask her in her face why she is so unhappy with you. Let your hb inform her that he loves you and so that's why he marries you -- your mil has to live with that fact. And that she has not lost a son but gained a daughter. It may be a showdown but it may well work.

At least if she spits and hisses, you know what's on her mind and it's straight onto your face. She's just being sneaky by going to her son, behind your back and complaining.

Is your hb her only son?
 

elovechat

New Member
janica, ask ur hubby to help u out. that's wad my hubby does. i can't conceive which is a sad fact. my hubby knows. whenever people asks, he'll said, "it's destiny, wadever it's yours, will be yours."
 

jycs

New Member
pinkbuttons

I think you should not give in all the time. Sometime you have to show to her that you are the mistress of the house. Let her throw tantrum and if she insist to get the furniture replaced, then her son should foot the bill. Let her know that everything in the house was paid by you.

May be she stays outside and trying to be funny like telling story about DIL chased her out of the house to make a scene!

Have you discuss with your hubby how to solve the problem? As long as your husband wants to keep the marriage, he should play his part and not blindly playing the role of a filial son. I agree with Emy about the 'acting'. Get him to tell his mum that he loves you and divorce is not the option. The flat have to be returned to the board at a loss and he could not afford to rent or buy another flat for her to stay as he owes you a lot of money and need to payback .....Whatever it is , he has to tell his mum he is not divorcing you.

Your husband godma dare not confront your MIL but can she talk to her relatives to clarify? At least the folks will know her better and will not support her 'act' then your MIL will slowly stop telling tales when nobody listen to her?
 

tge25

New Member
pinkbuttons
hai...such idiotic MIL still exists... when mine threw a fit over small things... i just switch on the tv, turn up the volume... let her go complain watever she wan to other pple abt how miserable her life is... whatever... as long as dun come and disturb me....

I think hor... pinkbutton, dun divorce first... at least make the hell out of her first... why shld you b suffering at ur end and throw the towel first?

you should fight it out... make her have a taste of her own medicine.... make sure she feel wat u feel.... change the furniture rite... might as well have her change... waste money...

next time she mention abt changing... say "no problem.. i will have it changed using your son money..."


my stand is... why should you be the one giving in or wanting to opt out of this marriage...
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi pinkbuttons,

Hope you don't mind if I raise some issues here.
Did your marriage start on the right note?
What is the relationship between your parents and your MIL like (in the past and now)?
Did these relationships sour along the way?
If so, is there any way to bring them back to square one?

Just some thoughts for your consideration...
 

janicachan

New Member
back to the time when i jz married, mil oredi hinted to us to hv a baby early. that time we oredi told her we hv no such plan YET.

now after 2 years of marriage, she kept ask'g the same qtn, again and again.

my hb did not respond to his mom at all. whenever she ask him, he will ans "um um um". he will not say things like we dun want kid yet, or we dun hv plan yet. (coz we oredi said once but no use she still persist)

now when she ask me, i also "um um um". but it seems she doesnt get it wat "um um um" actually means. it means we dun wanna discuss this issue w/ her. i dunno if she really dunno or she pretends she dunno.

sometimes she kept asking me to see doc blar ~~ can last for like a good 15mins. i bei da han will go away n sit somewhere else. wat my hb do? he will sit down filially n listen to the lecture impatiently.

i think whether to hv kids or not is solely the couple's issue n in law or own parents shd not interfere.

it's ez for anyone to ask u get a bb asap. but the actual burden still lie w/ us. we gotta decide carefully whether we r ready to b parents, n whether we r ready financially.

my mil said if hv bb now at least she is still capable of help me taking care of the bb. but its ez to say. what abt the bb cry at the middle of the nite, n sick gotta brg him c doc. n pay for his eudcation n all that? will my mil "help" me pay for his expenses? can she "help" till the bb reaches 18 years old?

the more i think abt it. the angrier i am. afterall i still feel she has no right to qtn our decision of not having kid now.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi Janica,

Don't get angry over this. Really not worth it. If your husband is not going to speak up to his mom, there's really nothing you can do about it. Just "um um um" all the way loh. Listen to her "lectures". One ear in, one ear out.

You are right to say that the choice of having a kid really lies in the parents - not grandparents or other 3rd parties. If you and your husband have made the joint decision not to try for kids yet, just stick to your decision and ignore your MIL. Try to see her as a lonely old woman who wants grandkids cos she's envious of other relatives/friends who have grandkids. But remember that the choice is yours. No point souring relationships or causing yourself undue anger and stress.
 

dur30cat

New Member
Janica,

If nothing works, I would ask you to jokingly suggest to MIL that she go *kid /pet shopping* (aka adoption or buy a dog) with you....then at least she can choose her *grandchild*.

If she gets angry and say that you are rude, just tell that the decision to have babies or not is not like market shopping - like buy, dun like refund.

Tell her that both you and your hubby not ready.

And if what she wants is company, you can get her a pet.

PS. I know this tactic is sheer blatant rudeness but sometimes this really gets the message across.
 

cactus_79

New Member
To make it less rude, perhaps you can get your husband to tell her that both of you are not ready. Sometimes, mothers are more receptive when their kids talk to them.
 

pinkhippo2002

New Member
Janica

why don't you tell your MIL your hubby is the one having fertility problem ?

If she believes her son is the one having 'problem', she will leave you alone
 

goooogal

New Member
Hi just to share, my MIL also spoke to me on the matter about kids. I just told her matter of factly that we are tied up with my hb's further studies and bank loan. We simply cannot afford to have kids straight away. Sometimes using a less direct method may work better by not causing further conflict. Anyway old pple are naggy one, so just have to try to be patient and learn to "one ear in, one ear out".
 

bluebells

New Member
Janica,

Next time your MIL asks about the baby question, just say, "I am ok. you talk to your son." Then let the mother and son settle this. Of course, regardless of whether you and your hubby is ready to have a baby, throw the ball to your hubby's side of the court. If she still nags, then say you have alreay seen the doctor, doctor gives you all clear, so she should check with her son again loh.. in future, if she ask why only have daughters and no son (hopefully this is not the case for you), tell her the xy chromosome thing, so it is again the son's decision to have daughter or son, not you, and it is medically proven that the gender of the baby is decided by the donor of the sperm.


Pinkbuttons,

I think your hubby has been your MIL's pillar of strength for too long already. There is no problem with you, it is with your MIL. I hate to say this, regardless of the lady who might be in your shoes, as long as your MIL is in the picture, it will always be hell for the DIL. When I got married, my MIL was going around to her siblings / relatives, complaining that her son doesn't want her anymore after marriage. Luckily, we didn't stay with her, and we make it a point to visit her every alternate week, so that shuts everyone up because what she says is not the truth.

I can't advise you much, except that in the current setting with your MIL, peace will be hard to come by. It is ultimately your hubby's call to stand up to his mum to protect his own family/wife/children.
 

janicachan

New Member
my mil definitelyn not a lonely old lady. she took care of my sil's daughter everyday. n i dun get it y she still pestering me for a grandkid.

i am tired of talk'g to her. the more i discuss this issue, the more she can talk abt it.

so now i jz "um um um" n show my bored face, hope that she would stop talk'g. if she still talk, i would walk away. i know its rude, but no choice if i dun walk away to cool down i will burst our vulgar.

my hb oso find her naggy, but he would not stop his mom fr talk'g, altho he doesnt want to listen. so i jz let him sit in front of his mom, listening.

sometimes i would tell my mom abt this but i would not say too much coz i dun want her to worry me. so this website is a good channel for those dil like me to voice out our anger or sadness.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
hi everyone, i feel more like my mil is the 1st wife, and i'm the mistress. i have the most to lose & nothing to gain out of this whole thing.

i agreed to meet my hb for dinner last nite, and his mum called him 4 times in a span of less than 1 hour.
 

cactus_79

New Member
poor pinkbuttons,

Just let your MIL be lah. Think positive. You have your hb's company. Your MIL can only call over the phone.
 

tge25

New Member
hello janica... how abt the next time ur MIL talk to u abt having kids.. u hold ur stomach and say..sorrie...stomache..tok to u later... kekekekeee

better excuses hor?
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
cactus, in actual fact my hb's body may be next to me, but he's on the phone w his mother. what sort of company is that? in the end i dun even want to bother talking to him, cos every 10 mins the phone rings again.

cecilia, nope he din flare. seems resigned to the fact that he has to entertain his mum.
 

cecilialim

Active Member
pinkbuttons, i think you have to do your part as well... from what u said, you seem to demand even more now.... "actual fact my hb's body may be next to me, but he's on the phone w his mother. what sort of company is that? :

i think he is making an effort go dinner with you (w/o his mum) already.. and you are still not contented... you have to think for him also.. yes i agree you have been shortchanged, but you gotta help your hb too! don't get an inch and demand a yard now, it isn't going to help. if you continue this kind of attitude, it is not going to work
happy.gif


remember, he can't forsake his mum, but he made an effort to come out dinner alone with you, which i think is the best he can do at the moment... make sure he do it frequently, let the mother know that she can't stop both of you from going out for dinners even if she keep calling... soon it will stop... or at least the calls will be less frequent...

lets talk abt what comes aound goes around..... if he really dump his mum for you, what will it reflect on your own kids? one day if your son decided to do the same if your DIL is in such a situation, who can you blame? you son?

nothing is fair in this world... you may have done nothing to deserve all these... but you will come strong and the relationship with your hubby will be stronger as well if you both overcome this major obstacle in your life.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi pinkbuttons,

I would like to offer a different perspective from Cecilia.

If there are certain needs that you want met, it's best that you speak to your husband about them and come to a compromise with your husband.

Sorry to say this - but I think your husband has a role to play in how you feel about your MIL and how your MIL feels about you. He appears to be very passive which may not help you and your MIL build a good relationship with each other.

Perhaps you can go to the root of the problem and try to resolve it together with your husband?
 

september

New Member
pinkbuttons,

did ur hb ever told his mum tat he is feeling stress by her nonesense? erm....i got a weird suggestion lor.....if the nx time ur MIL threaten to kill herself again....get ur hb to tell her that before she died, he will hv died of all the stress she given. or....u all can tried to scare her by behaving abnormally...tat is wen she threaten to kill herself, open the window and tell her the 3 of u died together and tried pulling her to the window....of coz, it is only an act to scare her lah...

my thot and hope is tat this will scare her and she will 'tame' down abit...coz she shld noe tat a person force to the edge will do crazy tings....
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
i agree that my hubby is very passive. when pushed to the edge he will argue with his mum. next day u see him laid-back as usual - w/o solving any of the problems, instead just ignoring it till it resurfaces.

he has told his mum tat he's very stressed by her actions, & that he's not about to divorce me but i don't forsee the situation improving for me.

perhaps he thinks by ignoring it, it'll cease to exist. i've spoken with him, but he's not willing to do anything. the only thing he's done is to go consult geomancer, who told him that me & his mum's birth signs clash severely (obviously!).

lately i have been trying to stay away from my mil. leave the house early, return late. even when i'm not feeling well, i still prefer to go to work instead of staying at home, in case she says something else to upset me. it's very stressful to be at home - like walking on eggshells.

my own mum hasn't been feeling well lately, so i din want to worry her. otherwise i'd prob have told her everything, & see wat she says.

other ppl's mil pressures the couple to have kids. mine is telling her son not to have children.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hey pinkbuttons, do try to stay positive k.

I think alot has to do with your husband now. Your MIL can call and bug him on hp several times in an hour. Your husband can switch off his hp and tell his mom his hp battery has gone flat.
Your MIL tells your husband not to have children. Your husband has to decide for himself if he wants to die without any kids/grandkids. Or if he wants to have kids late and risk kids eating into his retirement $. Or if he wants to consider your interests and his own interests as top priority.

I feel your husband truly has the ability to improve the situation. It's whether or not he wants to do so. It's difficult for you too cos you can't risk nagging too much at your husband, yet can't stand your MIL.

Actually I think a good master can give advice to improve the relationship of pple when horoscope clashes. But then again, I don't believe in horoscopes...so can't advise more.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
i gave my hubby $2k to give his mum for her furniture. couldn't stand it... and guess wat? she had the cheek to come back to me to say not enough, said her mattress alone worth $1.5k (bear in mind it's prob 8-yrs old). i told her to get whatever balance she wants from her son.

i called my mum, & when she asked how's everything, i just broke down & cried... in between tears only managed to tell her & my dad part of the entire story. needless to say they're very angry... they wanted to speak to my mil, but later decided perhaps better to speak with my hb first (he wasn't home yet).

was it wrong of me to tell them? now i'm worried that it's going to get uglier...
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi pinkbuttons, it's not wrong of you to share with your parents your problems. You also need an outlet. If your husband is not able to stand up for you enough, perhaps your parents have to convince him to do so, or perhaps your parents have to stand up for you instead.
 

cecilialim

Active Member
pinkbuttons... u shouldn't have gave that 2K to mil... anyway you had given so too late... but good to tell your parents, they will be there for you... you need support.
 

jycs

New Member
pinkbuttons

Seems that all expenses are paid by you and your husband accepted your money for his mother.

I find it alright if you have someone close to share your problems, at least you have nothing to hide from those who love you.

Stay strong and don't give up.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
i am so so so pissed with my husband.

last nite when he came back i told him that i spoke to my parents & my mom asked him to call her one of these days.

apparently this morning he told his mum that my mum wanted to speak to him. then i got an sms from my mil, telling me off. told me to get my mum to speak to her directly if she got anything to say, don't talk to her son.

talk abt double standards! what, she can tell me off anytime she likes, and my mum can't even be allowed to speak to her son-in-law over the phone?? his mum can stay under my roof, but my family not welcome to visit??

i've just abt had it with these ppl. staying strong is one thing, but wat's the point in persevering on my own when my husband is not making any effort??
 

september

New Member
pinkbuttons, keep the sms and show it to ur husband. ask him, y did he tell his mum....to scare her or to make tings worse between u and her....let him noe wat he did only make tings worse
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi pinkbuttons,

Some guys tend to "give up" and throw in the towal, and get out of the "mess" when they are pushed by either side. I'm not sure if this is what's happening to your husband but he appears to be getting himself out of the "mess". Did you give him too much pressure? Or is the pressure from his mom?

I think you need to have a good talk with your husband. I think he needs to know you need his affirmative support and not just "passive avoidance" from the issues by not confronting his mom or shoving everything to you and your parents.
 


pinkbuttons

New Member
thanks all, for your patience...really sorry, i've been ranting in this forum for a few weeks now.

i keep telling my hb for days that we need to sit down & talk, but he doesn't seem to want to. when he's not working, he just goes out to the living room to watch tv or chat w his mum. i tried not to give him too much pressure. how to anyway? i work all day, sometimes weekends too, most of the time i get back quite late in the evenings.
 

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