A Place To Vent Anger on Monster In Laws

bluebells

New Member
Pinkbuttons,

I don't advocate divorce, but I feel that after marriage, if the husband cannot place his own family (meaning wife and his own children) / wife as first priority, then there will always be problems. Yes, he can still love his mum and be filial to her, but æ„šå­and å­are entirely two different things.

I hope your husband will realise that eventually, it will be his wife who will accompany him to the end of his time, that it will be his wife who will be bearing him children, and not his mother.

If, while taking a break, your husband is still unremorseful, and blinded by his æ„šå­, and does not come looking for you, then I would think it is time to really re-think and re-look at the situation.
 


pinkbuttons

New Member
my hb's main concern throughout our conversation, was of wat his relatives would think of him if he moved out to stay with his wife. cos she says she's not well, so can't desert her. who said anything abt deserting her?? furthermore, i told him the docs at Mt Elizabeth hospital certified that she's in good health, nothing wrong w her, unless she prefers to be seen by some specialists at Gleneagles instead.

he says he's already being scolded by everyone he sees. ironically, all those who scold him are those who don't have to stay with their in-laws.

my mil was scolding me, that if i wanted to stay away fr in-laws then i shldn't have married her son. i shld've gone to look for someone w/o living parents.

when she knew that i had asked my hb to choose sides & not to stay silent, she said i was brainless for asking such a question. she said it's obvious that he will choose his mum, did i really think he wld choose to defend me??

i told my hb that his mum truly is very fortunate. fortunate to have married his dad who could provide for her, no need for her to work a day in her life (no need to face in-laws), now only 52 and relying on son to provide for her, to have a son who's willing to forgo his wife just to have some peace in the house. such a good life where to find? previously my hb didn't use to be so submissive to his mum, dunno why it turned out like this.

my mom had warned me before the wedding, that it's obvious that my hb is scared of his mum. there are no secrets btw the 2 of them. i told her not to worry, i can take care of myself, won't let myself be bullied. and see what happens now...

sorry everyone, my posts are so long... really needed to get everything off my chest. been crying buckets of tears over this. enough is enough, can't take it liao.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi pinkbuttons, I'm really sorry to hear of your story.

I have some thoughts after reading your posts.

(1) Try to keep out of the issues between your MIL and your husband. You mentioned that your MIL is black mailing your husband. Try to be as removed as possible from these occurences. Don't even add oil to fire. Instead, try to be as constructive and as supportive to your husband. Let your husband see that you are on his side (assuming of course he is upset with his own mother to begin with) and both of you try to resolve problems with your MIL together,jointly and always on the same side.

If your husband doesn't feel that he is being "blackmailed" by his mother, then have a talk with him. Objective talk. Gain an understanding from him as to what he views marraige. Then ask him if anything his mom has done prejudices your marraige. Finally, if there is prejudice, then tell him it is very unfair to you and you need him to deal with his mother because there can be no hatred between mother and child.. unlike DIL and MIL.

(2) Whenever your MIL does something you can't stand, try to be as objective as possible. Don't say that she is being unfair. Instead, try to say that you cannot undesrtand her actions. Don't compare with what your parents won't do with the "unfair" things that she does. Everyone is different.

(3) You say that your MIL is bad mouthing you behind your back. During family gatherings, outwardly show signs of love and respevt to your MIL. of course, these must be sincere. If you are not nice to her, people will ultimately believe your MIL right?

(4) You mention that your MIL was under the wrong impression that she would be living with you and your husband. Did your husband "mislead" her without her knowing? Did anyone "mislead" her? Did anyone make her think she would be living with you guys after marraige? Is tehre any reasonable basis for her thinking that? Or is she being purely unreasonable?

(5) Finally, you suggest that your MIL could be faking illnesses to get attention. I feel that as children and chidren-in-law, it would come to a rather unmanageable stage when our elders need to resort to these to get attention from us. ALthough she soudns very unreasonable and a Monster IL, she sounds very lonely and very sad... I feel as children, it is always our duty to ensure that our parents' emotional and physical wants are satisfied. It must be the same for your husband. Perhaps, instead of a private hospital, tell your husband to send her to a public hospital? Or share the medical costs with your husband's other siblings (if any)? Perhaps giving her a bit of time and attention and love may solve this issue.. not sure if I'm just simplying the whole issue though...
 

cys

New Member
symphatise u pinkbuttons.

I suspect your MIL might be going through menopause. Where her emotional state is not that stable and tend to have alot of negative ideas.

I'm not sure if you dare to aske her go for counselling with you and hb ? Because trying to solve the problem on your own might be rather difficult. Coz if problem persist, you might breakdown too.
 

blackeagle

New Member
Pinkbuttons,
Sorry to hear of yr plight. Be realistic about yr chances of pleasing everyone. (You never will) You need not be nasty but need to be firm to yr HB. If he cannot even protect his own wife, what good is he as a man.

Shld give him an ultimatum as I see there will be no end to all these nonsense from yr in-laws. Regardless whether she is lonely or not she is being UNREASONABLE to you and her own son.

Your relationship with yr MIL is dificult to repair and the more you give in the more she will demand. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself otherwise you will get kicked around like a football. You must give her a dose of her own strong medicine. Buy a tape recorder and tape all those nasty things she said. If she don't behave , you can play it for all her relatives to hear. I think that would put her in her place.

Please do not misunderstand me as I love & respect my own parents and in-laws very much. They display their love to us by what they do; not try to sabotage and kill my marriage!
 

blackeagle

New Member
Pinkbuttons,
Sorry to hear of yr plight. Be realistic about yr chances of pleasing everyone. (You never will) You need not be nasty but need to be firm to yr HB. If he cannot even protect his own wife, what good is he as a man.

Shld give him an ultimatum as I see there will be no end to all these nonsense from yr in-laws. Regardless whether she is lonely or not she is being UNREASONABLE to you and her own son.

Your relationship with yr MIL is dificult to repair and the more you give in the more she will demand. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself otherwise you will get kicked around like a football. You must give her a dose of her own strong medicine. Buy a tape recorder and tape all those nasty things she said. If she don't behave , you can play it for all her relatives to hear. I think that would put her in her place.

Please do not misunderstand me as I love & respect my own parents and in-laws very much. They display their love to us by what they do; not try to sabotage and kill my marriage!
 

jycs

New Member
Pinkbuttons

Sorry to hear your plight.

I can imagine that your MIL is capable of doing anythings behind you. Get a MP3 to record your conversation with her as evidence, has video recording even better. This may help you in case you need assistance to report to the authority of your abusive MIL. She is such a good actress and if she could threaten your HB then she may accuse that you hit her...... or anything worst.

You have to protect yourself. She has a scheming mind.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
hi all, thanks.. yeah, i agree about the voice recording part..

lately i've learnt to realize (the hard way) how impt it is to have that function in ur hp! have already decided to get a new hp that has voice recording function
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
btw, my mil just took back from me the 'si dian jin' that she had given me for the wedding... u know she really means business...
 

cactus_79

New Member
My gosh! It really seems like something personal between your MIL and you!

I feel mothers will always love their sons. They seldom dislike DILs unless they feel their sons are "changing" and such change is to the mothers' disadvantage. Or else, they feel their DILs are not worthy of their sons, that's why they dislike the DILs.

It seems like you should just get your husband into the picture to deal with your MIL. Your husband married you so it's none of your MIL's business whether or not she feels another lady is more suitable as her DIL. Your husband can drive home this fact. The other more probable reason - your husband has "changed" after marriage. But that is to be expected cos he is now responsible for his own family. Your husband needs to stand up for himself and you.

Any chance of fighting this battle together with your husband?
 

goooogal

New Member
"I agree that it's time to take a break, have discussed w HB last nite, and decided to do so.
he told his mum that we may end up divorcing, is that what she wants? and guess wat? she threw a fit, and angrily stormed out of the house & banged the doors, cos she felt that he implied she was the cause of the break."

"I told his mum shld be checked into IMH, not Mt Elizabeth hospital."

Pinkbuttons, from your above postings, I have to say that perhaps your hb would think that you are partly to blame for the bad r/s with your MIL. Right now, anything you say is going to be taken negatively. It's true that your hb is not firm enough to stand up against his mum, but saying those things about his mum in front of him isn't going to make things better I feel.

Right now, your hb is caught in between and he probably feels v bad about being scolded and seen as an unfilial son. In this situation, it's best to take a step back and let things be. No point fighting and causing more damage to the r/s. Lay low for awhile and if need be, move home to stay with your parents. YOu can give some excuse about your hb going for overseas trip, etc. Whatever it is, give your hb some space to get things sorted out.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
cactus, i'm afraid my hb is not willing to stand up to his mum. in fact, last nite he himself decided that the easiest way out is to file for divorce.

he says he'll be labelled a b*****d either way, whether he stands on his mum's side or mine - so by going for divorce at least he'll be a filial b*****d.

i'm disappointed & disgusted, to say the least.
 

cactus_79

New Member
I'm very very sorry to hear that, pinkbuttons.

Sigh!!! Would you and your husband be keen to attend marriage counselling? Or seek advice from a religious leader?

I can't stand guys who think they can still be mommy's boy after they get married... sorry for my harsh words. It's good to be fillial but a line has to be drawn. When married, the guy should take responsibility towards his own family. That's not to say the guy needs to side with his wife when his wife is being unreasonable, but certainly not to be so "childish" as to think relationships are all about "taking sides".

Are you keen to work things out with your husband, pinkbuttons? I feel very sorry for you. I think your husband has not yet seen light.
 

cactus_79

New Member
I agree with G-gal that your husband probably feels caught in between... that's not a nice situation to be in.

Instead of moving out to stay with your parents, would it be possible to take a more "low-key" approach insteaed but continue with normal daily routine? The reason I say is this - it's not going to help you in the future if your MIL says you walked out on the family. You can't control what she says right? I don't think you can forgive yourself if pple said that of you. Also, I feel it's not good for us ladies to run back to our parents for any problems, unless they are very very serious problems like abuse. Cos we are taken to be adults when we step into a marriage and we need to bear responsibility for consequences, whether good or bad. If there are problems within the marriage, I'm sure you wouldn't like your husband to leave you alone and go to be with his parents? Likewise, your husband may feel "deserted" if you leave him now.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Also, not every guy will take the initiative to resolve problems when you are away. Instead, guys tend to take the laid-back approach to things cos they don't want "trouble". So for you to leave your home and return to your parents may not resolve issues.
 

goooogal

New Member
Hi cactus, I dun mean for pinkbuttons to go home and cry to her parents about her problems. Just that sometimes it's better to be away for awhile. Maybe the hb needs more space to think. Right now, if she stays in the same house, it could be hard to control saying those negative things to him, thus adding to his frustration.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Yes, G-Gal, I understand what you are saying. To give the husband more time to think. I agree that guys need space, but not all guys use this "space" to resolve issues... and there is a risk MIL will say bad things about her. Pinkbutton's husband already "mentioned divorce".

I'm not sure how serious pink button's husband is about "divorce". Some pple only "say say". Others treat marriage very sacred and would only say to give advance warning.

It depends on pinkbutton's personality. It's not a situation where one size fits all.
 

honesty

New Member
pinkbuttons, i read your posting and feel very sad for u. Do u have some frens who can talk some sense to your hubby? Your hubby appear to be not only scared of his mom but more scared of his "face" in front of relatives...u need to sit down and have a good CALM talk with your hubby about this marriage. Having just been married for less than a year, he can quote divorce freely like that, ask him seriously if he meant every word he said. Tell him u're disappointed. Ask him if he still loves u. And ask yourself if u still love him. If the answer is yes for both, tell him dont ever ever bring up divorce. U shud both stay together and work things out. Tell ur hubby it's not about being a Bas**** or a fillial Bas**** but it's about being a man and walk his life. Tell him it's not about which relatives think he's a good fillial son or ungrateful bas****, as long as both of u know u are NOT abandoning his mom, that's all it matters.

Now u need to first settle the immediate outstanding issues before thinking of "strategy" for the long run to handle your MIL as what some of the people here suggested.

U mentioned last time your parents are abroad. So after this confrontation, are u still staying at home? with your MIL? If you are, i suggest first talk to your hubby like wat i have suggested earlier. Emphasised that u love him very much in the conversation (only aft u asked urself) and ask him if he loves u? If he say yes, then ask him how can he bear to hurt u like this barely 1 yr aft the marriage. Ask him if he acknowledges his mom is driving u apart. Tell him u need his support. Thru out all this, do not raise ur voice in heated manner. Be calm, cry if u wan, but BE CALM. If things go well with hubby, go BRAVELY to your MIL, holding hands with ur hubby. Apologise to her for raising your voice and having the confrontation with her BUT NOT for what she asked u to apologise for ie kowtowing and giving tea kind. Tell her u love her son and he loves u. Together, talk to her CALMLY all the things she said about u is not true. Do note that since your MIL is so unstable now, she might rant loudly, shout, scream or cry loudly or abuse u with unkind and harsh words like get out of my house, u eveil woman, leave my son etc. IT WILL HURT. But be reminded of the conversation with your hubby earlier. Squeeze his hands if u need to. if u're quiet and calm (and i'm pretty sure u'd be crying by now with all the abuse hurled at u) your hubby can see how u're tolerating his mom and hopefully he will step in to stop her. Do note that during the conversation, he will have to periodically step in also to "declare" to his mom that he loves u very much, calmly as well, and not scolding her like "we're ending in divorce, ru happy now" sort of tone. Most of the time, when both parties are reacting in anger, the anger and animosity will never stop. It will just escalate further.

So u MUST rem to be calm. Speak to her like u would to a child. Take deep breaths and tell her i know both of us cant get along, but cant we just try cos both of us have love for the same man, that is your son. I have never banned him from being fillial to u. And i have also never do all the evil things u think i did to u. U're still my MIL. Dont shout at her accusations when u're defending yourself.

And if after this, your MIL didnt calm down...and your hubby didnt say a single word to defend u, i think u shud also reconsider this marriage. If u decide to end it, tell your hubby ure ending it NOT becos of his mom BUT it's becos of him, becos u know dat he will not be the one who standby u in the long run, that he's not capable of standing by your side to solve problems TOGETHER with u, be it parents issue, finance issues, children issues.

All the best to u, take care. Let us know again if u need to vent.
 

honesty

New Member
rem when u're talkign to your MIL, she will scream accusations, like u want me dead, etc, just calmly tell her No, i dont want u dead, just calmly refute all her accusations. I know u feel "wei qu" for having to apologise, but do note u're not apologising to her for things u didnt do, but rather by doing this, ure jus apologising for the chaos done, ie u shouting at her the other day. For her, perhaps as long as she heard the word "sorry" perhaps she will be calmer? Chinese saying "take one step back, sea wide, sky clearer"

For your hubby, stressed that u will tolerate only with his support. Tell him clearly u're doing this for him becos u love him. Educate him or get frens to educate him dat others' opinions doesnt matter as long as u all have done the right thing.

I always tell my hubby this when we quarreled about his face issues...

"isnt it ironical that u care so much wat others think and this people actually dont care about ur life and all, but u dont care about the thos and feelings of that ONE person that care most about u, and dat is ME?"
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
thanks all, for your advice... didn't want to consult my frens or family, cos i didn't want to make the whole thing escalate further than it already has by bringing other well-meaning frens. not a nice thing to wash dirty linen in public, after all.

thanks honestytrustfaith, think the quote is very appropriate..
happy.gif


but my hubby did consult his godma, who initially thot it was his mum who was the victim. after hearing the whole story, she also agrees that it seems that my mil is causing all the problems btw us. hopefully, she can help somehow.

i found out that my mil had given my hb 2 so-called options to choose from. (1) he chooses to stay w me, she moves out & commits suicide (2)divorce me.

anyway, for now i decided to continue to stay at home for the time being. she's ignoring me, and i'm trying to lie low. there's a lot of tension in the house...
 

goooogal

New Member
Hi pinkbuttons, looks like your MIL is really too much! How can she make him choose between her and you?? Anyway, I believe these are only empty threats...she will not dare to kill herself, but just said so to make him feel guilty. If my parents were like this, I wld severe all ties with them. Sooner or later, the relatives will know the true story.

Look, if your hb cannot stand up for himself and you now, he probably never will. Hopefully he can be mentally and emotionally strong, and hope his godma can help as well. But meanwhile, you must think of a plan B for yourself (ie the worst case scenario) and what you should do to protect yourself if push comes to shove and you need to split the assets. Really hope it will not come to that, but the last thing you need is for your MIL to claim your property as hers.

Take care..
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi pinkbuttons, I agree with G-gal. While it is so unfortunate for matters to come to this stage, I think you need to protect yourself in the event of divorce. Although $ cannot repair the hurt and the stigma of being a divorcee, at least it's better than nothing. Emotional blackmail is the worst.

Will your husband be willing to attend marriage counselling? If he's keen to make the marriage work, if you are keen to make the marriage work, marriage counselling may help offer different perspectives to deal with MIL problems?

If your husband plans to go down the route of divorce, you both will be asked to go for mediation to see if the marriage can still work. If you both can show there is nothng inherently wrong with the marriage, and it is just pressure from MIL, the court will encourage you to work things out and provide you with referals to marriage counsellers.
 

dawn45

New Member
hi pinkbuttons

yr MIL is too much. But i also think ur hb is too defensive over her, after marriage he should prioritise u over her , cos u are the one who will accompany him thru his life. Now u calm down first and see how it goes. U must be strong ya.

Just to share my fren's story, she is very upset now as her inlaws dont treat her well, They ignore her presence when she address them when she see them and the inlaws never talk to her during dinner or at their house. Even her hb sis also ignore her, treat her like transparent. Whole family against her, maybe they felt she has snatched the son away from their lives.
So what can she do? The hubby scared of offending his family and dont dare to question the parents why they treat the wife like that. Isnt this bad ?
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hey pinkbuttons,
I just re-read my post. I have a couple of suggestions. dun know if you may find them useful.

(1) Ask your husband to go for counselling with you if both of you are keen to preserve the marraige. Put MIL probs aside for the time being.

(2) If he or you dun want to go, and if he takes MIL's side, then no choice, divorce. But you guys will be asked to go for counselling.

(3) If he chooses you over his mom, you guys should still consider going for counselling, to mend relations.

(4) Regardless which of the above you choose, do protect your interests in terms of asset division.
 

cactus_79

New Member
I think now is not the time to say who is right, who is wrong, or get people on your side or let your MIL get pple on her side.

What is important is to get both you and your husband united.
 

cecilialim

Active Member
stand strong pinkbuttons.. a lot of ppl are helping you emotionally... being the bit money minded about me.. i suggest you get your deposit back from your hb or his mum if divorce is in the cards. you also paid for your reno loan? it seems to me that you kept paying for stuff that requires both efforts..
 

cecilialim

Active Member
cactus... but if i were pinkbuttons... diff to get united again with husband.. he rather be a filial B***d... and after all the efforts gone thru and being the one who will be disadvantaged the most, he chose to let me deal with it on my own... i wouldn't have faith in such a person anymore....
 

cactus_79

New Member
I get your point, Cecilia, but I think divorce hurts a woman more than man... whether it is emotionally or stigma. I hate to see pinkbuttons go down this route.

I don't think it'll hurt for pinkbuttons to broach the topic of counselling.

I would like to think that pple take time to "grow up" and perhaps for pinkbutton's husband, it's taking longer than expected as he appears to be a mommy's boy.

Actually, it's hard for us to understand the whole situation. Only pinkbuttons and her husbnad will know best.

Hmm... the good thing about being calculative at this stage is there is some form of "retaliation" which may make pinkbuttons feel better and perhaps more financially secure. But I feel pinkbuttons should not make it too obvious she's being "calculative" at this point cos we dun want your husband to point the finger back at you and say your actions contributed to the divorce.
 

cecilialim

Active Member
yup.. should make that clear when signing the divorce... can't lose out to matrimony assets... the MIL really terok la... i can't imagine got such ppl still ard you know? sigh
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
money-wise i had contributed more in advance, cos at that pt in time my hb didn't have much savings. no matter how he saves, seems that can't keep the money for long - always something crops up, whether a huge credit card bill, some money his mum requires, etc, etc.

since all this, i also felt it was neccesary to remind them both that i've made major contributions to this household, not just the house, but also to each of them individually, e.g. her hospital bills, etc.

i felt it wasn't fair that she take back everything - the banquet angpow, tea ceremony ang pow, the pin jin (which my mom didn't take a cent), and now the 'si dian jin' too. furthermore she stays in my hse, not needing to fork out a single cent. i admit she helped out in the initial repainting of the hse, but does that give her an entitlement to everything?

as i was rushing out of the house for work the other morning, she saw me, glared at me & said that i cannot dislike her. i just told her i was leaving for work, no time to talk.

now my hb & i are working things out btw us, neither wants a divorce. but with all the threats flying ard from his mum, i'm just taking 1 day at a time.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hey pinkbuttons,

It's very good news to know you and your hb are working things out. Please disregard your MIL for the time being. This is really between you and your hb - the marriage I mean.

Your husband seriously needs to make a decision. It's tough but that's what his mom wants.

$-wise, it's good if you can start getting from your bank statements to show your contributions towards the marriage and wedding expenses. Get your CPF statement also. These things will help but DUN let your hb and MIL or even friends to know you are doing all this k.

As for fairness, I know you feel very upset and sore at the moment for everything taken back from your MIL. But this is not time to feel angry. She is still your husband's mom, pinkbuttons. NO matter how unreasonable she is, she gave life to your husband. You have to give her credit for that. Tolerance will lead to a better temperance. She can say hurtful things to you, but just tell yourself without her, no husband. You love your husband obviously. Give her respect. You don't have to love her. It's different. Just be very very good to your husband. Do'nt put him in a spot.

When you feel he is siding his mom, tell him that your focus is on the marriage. Pull him back and re-focus together with you.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
btw, after she found out that i paid for her hospital bills, she was even more angry. she had preferred that my hb go take up one of those personal loans from the bank, or James, or something.

i had offered to loan him the money, cos i thot no point cos of the high-interest rates that they charge. not to say that i'm well-to-do, in fact i'm not, just that i'm good at managing my finances & saving my salary for rainy days.

it also helps that my parents don't demand anything from me, unlike my mil from my hb. although i do give money to my parents occassionally, they don't find it neccessary cos they've built up their own retirement egg after more than 30 yrs of hard work. my mil never had to work, just waiting for $ to drop fr somewhere.
 

cactus_79

New Member
I can sense alot of resentment, pinkbuttons.

I feel it's not right to compare parents and ILs. Perhaps your parents feel it's not proper to take $ from you cos you are a gal? My grandma doesn't take $ from her married daughters. Only takes $ where neceessary from her sons. In fact, my uncle mentioned it is only "rightful" for sons to give parents $. It is not necessary for married daughters to give parents $.

It is fortunate that your parents don't demand anything from you, but that doesn't mean your MIL can't demand anything from your husband.

Some older folks think it's okay to borrow $ from banks,James...they don't know the sums. Especially if they are not well educated or don't mix around with younger people. Your MIL could be one of those older people.. do forgive her for her ignorance.

Your MIL is a little like mine. Always demand $ from my husband, and not just a bit but increasing amounts. Finally, I sat my husband done and we had a heart to heart chat. My husband understood where I was coming from - my focus being our marriage and our interests. He told his mom he would continue to give her almost 30% of his monthly salary every month.. but that was it. not a cent more. That was the deal I struck with my husband. I told my husband I need certainty. I can't have him giving various amounts at unpredictable times to his mother whenevre she asked for them. I told him he can give ANY amount... but it had to be a fixed amount and only given when his salary comes in, meaning on a fixed day every month. If my husband's salary goes down or is unemployed, no more $ for my MIL. My MIL and I are on good terms. I respect her for giving my husband life. And she dotes on me. This is despite $ matters. In contrast, I only give my parents 3% of my monthly salary as allowance.... they even tell me not to give.. no need to give. But I still give. So it's hard to compare parents and ILs...

To be honest, you will never say ILs are better than our own parents. We will only complain that our ILs are worse than our parents. I know this cos I know my husband is aware that my parents are better than his parents... but he has never ONCE COMPARED his parents nad my parents. INstead, he will say things like "Your parents have been very good to us" out of the blue... and he will buy snacks for me to bring home to my parents.... (Gals may do that.. but how many guys will do that? Only when they truly like the person...)

Please don't misunderstand that I agree with the way your MIL is treating you and your husband. I don't agree with anyone emotionally blackmailing anyone. But since it's not possible to change the situation, it's more effective to change our attitudes right?
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
hi cactus, don't get me wrong...
i'm just very tired. if i could, i would just want to walk away from it all, and wash my hands of the whole matter.
 

cactus_79

New Member
I feel very sorry for you, pinkbuttons. I really do. It's not a nice position that you are in.

But you know, we can't change things, right? We can't change the fact that your MIL is of this personality...

I think there is wisdom in one chinese phrase - about making huge things big, big things small, small things nothing.

You can get tired with your MIL. But I hope you don't get tired of your husband and your marriage. I'm pro-marriage and I believe unions should be everlasting till death.. (perhaps naive??)...

Hang in there. You have all our support. I hope you work things out with your husband. He sounds like someone who is really mommy's boy.. I hope he egrows out of it soon.

Pardon me for saying this - I feel that a person is not ready for marriage if the person still sticks close to his own siblings/parents.. cos there will ultimately be a conflict arising along the way. Upon marriage, loyalties should be to wife/kids. Fillial piety remainds with parents. It is a darn thin line.... I hope your husband draws the line clearly soon. I really disilke your MIL... (pardon me for saying this)...
 

cecilialim

Active Member
pinkbuttons dun give up on your faith. have faith in your marriage, husband and yourself. it will become obvious to the world who is the destroyer and protector of your life and marriage. your MIL needs to be tamed... but i really dun see how to... cos she appears to me as the most unreasonable woman in the world...
 

cactus_79

New Member
Celilia - I think no point taming her lah. No use. For what? Live until so old, then declare war on DIL not caring about son's feelings, putting poor son in the spot by having him choose between mother or wife. I dun have any respect for this sort of woman... mothers all love their children.. I just can't see this MIL loving her son loh...

Anyway.. getting angry also no use. Hopefully pinkbuttons can manage her emotions and focus on her marriage instead of her MIL.
 

cecilialim

Active Member
how to focus on managing on emotions and marriage where the MIL is giving her problems in all ways... sigh... i really wish pinkbuttons all the best... persevere
 

cactus_79

New Member
Cecilia - I guess it's really out of no choice right? We can't ask pinkbuttons to throw in the towal right?

The fact is, mother and child relationship can never be severed because of the blood ties.. very very unfortunately husband and wife relationship can be severed.

Why should pinkbuttons throw in the towal and give in to her MIL? We just need to give pinkbuttons support and encouragement...
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
thanks, all of u... this is the only avenue i can vent my frustration w/o offending relatives & w/o my frens & family worrying over me. bad enuff for me to have sleepless nites, worse if i have to drag my family into it.

i won't throw in the towel just as yet, dunno whether it's from determination or just plain stubborn - the kiasu mentality.
happy.gif
 

redshoes

New Member
What cactus has said makes a lot of sense.

Pinkbuttons, it is right that a marriage should be between a husband and a wife. It looks like your husband isn't clear of that fact and allows his mother to come into the picture.

Your MIL isn't very smart -- she isn't playing her cards right if she wants someone to take care of her when she gets older. One day, she won't be as able as she is right now, and by then she will definitely be dependent on you guys. She's burnt her bridges with you, with the resentment she's built up in you. Even if your marriage fails (which I hope not), believe me, your hubby will be resentful of his own mother too. If not now, later.

I suspect that your MIL is somewhat emotionally unsound, and may require professional help. From your description, she seems to be insecure and harbours delusions. Will your hubby recognise the fact that it may be good that she sees a psychiatrist? I understand that you have a possible mediator, an aunt or a godmother? Perhaps you can speak to her about it?

You definitely can't give up! It's great to see you and your hubby are trying to work it out. I will strongly go for Cactus' suggestion of seeing a counsellor. It gives him the opportunity to hear your perspective from an objective third party. And vice versa.

All the best!
 

cecilialim

Active Member
i dun mean she throw in the towel... on one hand i hope she can work out her marriage with her hb... but on other hand there is this evil MIL who won't be giving her a good time.... its really not only abt both of them...
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi Cecilia, sorry for misunderstanding your post. We all have pinkbuttons' interests at heart. I hope she gathers strength from our posts and endures it through...
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
hi everybody, thanks again all of u for your advice. Will update you if there's any improvement (or not!?).

to address the point of finding a counsellor, think it's the mil that needs counselling more.

my hb knows that a wife shld be given priority, but when faced with a question of life & death, i.e. (1) divorce, or (2) mother jumps out the window, naturally he'd go for option (1) cos who knows when her ultimatum this time will be real or not? after all, who'd want to be accused of being the cause of death, rite?
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi pinkbuttons,

I've a suggestion, not sure if you are receptive to this idea.

Sure, your MIL definately needs a counseller.

But I believe your husband and you will also benefit from counselling because in a marriage, spouse is supposed to be top priority. AT least, this was what I was taught during my marriage prep course. Top priority means kids and parents secondary. Well, I can't say I agree with marriage prep course, but I would say the duty owed to a spouse is different from filial piety to parents, and also different from our love for our kids. That's where the line is drawn very very fine.

If you look at it this way - your MIL commits suicide. That's her fault. Her own parents gave her life. God gave her life. She has a married son, no grandkids. Why she wants to jump to her death? Her daughter is unmarried. Doesn't she want to be a good mother to her daughter and watch her get married? It's not your husband's fault that he has a "warped minded" mother to want to commit suicide over things blown out of proportion.

I'm not suggesting it's okay for your MIL to jump. What I'm saying is there appears that counselling may benefit you and your husband. Even if it is not for the issue at hand, counselling will strengthen your marriage. That's what you need the most.
 

jasc

New Member
pinkbuttons

The options for your husband should not be limited to these 2. Your MIL started the whole thing and to save her face she wants to jump unless her son divorce. Is your husband's godma close to her? Surely someone can speak to her right? Mother should hope that son has a happy family and not playing politics with DIL if she wants to stay with son.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
think it's getting worse...

last nite after i went to bed, there was some sort of screaming match btw my hb & mil. she's dead serious abt trying to get us divorced. she's also gone around telling everyone i'm trying to drive her out of the house, and she's getting her relatives to gang up & confront me.

my hb told me that one of the accusations (out of many!) against me is that my relatives changed the tv channel when she was around. if i was sitting down, i would've fallen off my chair after hearing that.

seriously though, i am starting to get scared.. cos now it seems more than just tension in the air, it's much more hostile. do u think it would be best if i just move out of the house? let her have her way..?

my hb's godma don't dare confront her.
 

mistng

New Member
hi pinkbuttons,

sorry to hear about the conflicts at home but pardon me for my frankness, you have to show your MIL that you are not EASY TO TRIFLE with.

Your MIL sounds really evil and u must really strategise and plan how to manage her. The priority thing to do is to ENSURE YOU HAVE YOUR HUSBAND's support.

Just my 2 cents' comments:

1) Must ensure she gets it in her head that you are not easy to bully with

2) Your MIL is super at emotional blackmail (manipulation esp. to your soft-hearted husband). Why can't you adopt the same strategy too? You are already kind-hearted to share or even contribute more to the household and even ur mil's hospitalisation expense so tell ur husband abt ur contribution. Reminds him abt ur past & current efforts towards the relationship.

3)As a last resort, maybe u can also learn to cry mother cry father in front of all relatives and highlight ur good deeds to them e.g the payment to her hospitalisation bill, the invitation to let her stay AT YOUR HOUSE etc etc. She wants to be dramatic, u can do it too. This may not sway their feelings but they will think you may not be the nasty daughter-in-law as she portrays. and then, when ur dramatic mil play her tactics again, people will not believe her. must remember to add the point, if it's ur daughter suffering from such mil, what will u do...everyone has parents/daugthers right.

me feeling dramatic now, too much drama serials recently...if i think of more ideas, i post more...

Actually, everything in life is to know how to manage each other. if people know that u are easily bullied, they will do so.

oh yes, is your mil aware that in the case of a divorce, her BELOVED son must pay alimony? the flat must be sold and proceeds split in half and whatsnot?

she has any daughter? she believes in retribution?
 


pinkbuttons

New Member
she doesn't have any daughters.

sometimes i almost wish that she would kill herself.. very evil of me, i know. i know i'm gonna get bombarded for that comment..

her relatives are blindly loyal to her, no matter wat she says, they'll believe. i almost expect them to come ram my door down soon. and they've said very blatantly, it's not my house. it's HER SON's house, hence she's entitled to it just as i am. doesn't matter that i'm also paying for it, cos i supposedly married her son just for the hdb flat.

i heard that divorce takes something like 3 yrs. i told my hb that if we do divorce & i move out, no way i'm going to continue letting them stay in the flat. i don't care if it's left vacant for 3 yrs. is it very ruthless?
 

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