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A Place To Vent Anger on Monster In Laws
- Thread starter janicachan
- Start date
pinkbuttons
New Member
hi all, my mum is in town & spoke to my mil last nite.
but then, my mil never listen to any reason. throuhgout the conversation she twist our words, using them to her advantage, until my mum gave up talking to her... instead we all end up just listening to her rant.
but she was very rude. she even scolded my mother. then again, she was scolding our entire family for our poor upbringing and lack of respect for her.
she also asked my mum if it was wrong for her to claim that this house is hers. when my mum answered that the house belongs to me and my hubby, she was angry. difficult to describe.. it went something like this:
mil to my mum: i ask u, is it wrong for me to say this house is mine?
mum: yes, cos the house belongs to your son & my daughter.
mil (angry): no, that's where u are wrong. i can say the house is mine cos i stay with my son whereas u cannot say the house is yours, nor can you claim any share to the house cos u are purely a guest here. no one can prevent u from coming, but u are just a house-guest.
at this point my hubby told his mum that cos i own half the house, by right my mum is as entitled to the house as she is. that's when my mil got even more pissed, and argued that we are all wrong, she's right, that she even went to consult lawyer.
anyway, my mum was very angry. got throughout the conversation we realised that things i told my hubby in confidence, ended up he told his mum everything - just adding fuel to the flames.
she also told my mum that she was angry that i claimed back her hospital bills. she said if i treated her like family i wouldn't have asked for the money back. which is why she decided to take back all the si dian jin.
my mum told her since u took back eveything, u dun treat my daughter like family in the first plc. my hubby then asked her why dun she return the jewellery, she just ignored the question. then my mil kept talking abt how i married 'into' the family, so i shld accommodate her. she said she'll stick to her son until the day she dies.
also, pls note once again, my hb just sit on the sidelines while me & mum kanna scolding.
but then, my mil never listen to any reason. throuhgout the conversation she twist our words, using them to her advantage, until my mum gave up talking to her... instead we all end up just listening to her rant.
but she was very rude. she even scolded my mother. then again, she was scolding our entire family for our poor upbringing and lack of respect for her.
she also asked my mum if it was wrong for her to claim that this house is hers. when my mum answered that the house belongs to me and my hubby, she was angry. difficult to describe.. it went something like this:
mil to my mum: i ask u, is it wrong for me to say this house is mine?
mum: yes, cos the house belongs to your son & my daughter.
mil (angry): no, that's where u are wrong. i can say the house is mine cos i stay with my son whereas u cannot say the house is yours, nor can you claim any share to the house cos u are purely a guest here. no one can prevent u from coming, but u are just a house-guest.
at this point my hubby told his mum that cos i own half the house, by right my mum is as entitled to the house as she is. that's when my mil got even more pissed, and argued that we are all wrong, she's right, that she even went to consult lawyer.
anyway, my mum was very angry. got throughout the conversation we realised that things i told my hubby in confidence, ended up he told his mum everything - just adding fuel to the flames.
she also told my mum that she was angry that i claimed back her hospital bills. she said if i treated her like family i wouldn't have asked for the money back. which is why she decided to take back all the si dian jin.
my mum told her since u took back eveything, u dun treat my daughter like family in the first plc. my hubby then asked her why dun she return the jewellery, she just ignored the question. then my mil kept talking abt how i married 'into' the family, so i shld accommodate her. she said she'll stick to her son until the day she dies.
also, pls note once again, my hb just sit on the sidelines while me & mum kanna scolding.
pinkbuttons
New Member
also my mil told my mum point blank that she absolutely forbids my hb to visit my parents house.
pinkbuttons
New Member
anyway after that i had a long, long talk w my mum.
she agreed that after last nite's 'preview', it's really difficult to stay w my mil. it's clear that my hb has no backbone, he won't move from his mum. she may drive him crazy, but he'll still stay with her.
my mil kept emphasizing to my mum how filial her son is, how nice, how clever, how patient, such a good boy... it used to be fine, just the 2 of them. it's all cos of me that i single-handedly destroyed their happiness.
even my mum thinks it's better to move out, even if it means ultimately going for divorce. she had a taste of my mil last nite, and could see that spending a lifetime with her would be torture on me. she said she's never come across a woman like her before.
she agreed that after last nite's 'preview', it's really difficult to stay w my mil. it's clear that my hb has no backbone, he won't move from his mum. she may drive him crazy, but he'll still stay with her.
my mil kept emphasizing to my mum how filial her son is, how nice, how clever, how patient, such a good boy... it used to be fine, just the 2 of them. it's all cos of me that i single-handedly destroyed their happiness.
even my mum thinks it's better to move out, even if it means ultimately going for divorce. she had a taste of my mil last nite, and could see that spending a lifetime with her would be torture on me. she said she's never come across a woman like her before.
princess_momo
New Member
Hi Pinkbuttons,
Had read thru through this thread..
She can just ruin her son's happiness by being so selfish. Regardless who her son's with, I think your MIL will think of something to tekan the DIL. Really getting divorce because of your MIL or your hubby not decisive enough?
Your hubby is really in difficult position, he's close to his mum but loves you as well. Your hubby might not able to take it in long term. Your MIL might even drive her own son to grave....
Any chances of recording down her conversations and records her behaviour just in case you need evidence in protecting yourself? Your MIL needs consulting.
Had read thru through this thread..
She can just ruin her son's happiness by being so selfish. Regardless who her son's with, I think your MIL will think of something to tekan the DIL. Really getting divorce because of your MIL or your hubby not decisive enough?
Your hubby is really in difficult position, he's close to his mum but loves you as well. Your hubby might not able to take it in long term. Your MIL might even drive her own son to grave....
Any chances of recording down her conversations and records her behaviour just in case you need evidence in protecting yourself? Your MIL needs consulting.
cecilialim
Active Member
this woman has no respect for anybody.. can even scold your mum... think your father got to come back even and let the MIL have a taste of her own medicine. how can your hb just keep quiet! sigh..
hi all, have started planning for my wedding n rom.. and currently foresee problems with my future MIL..
she's 60+, comes from a frugal family.. (btw, i'm 24, bf's 26)
my mum's 50 and comes from a middle class family..
bec MIL's knees r nt so strong, she tend to stay at home n does nt interact much.. n has a fiery temper, cares for family but does not show her affection easily..
while my mum's still working n younger.. more "up to date" with current events..
lately, my mum has been planning for our rom date n viewing of hse with us.. my mum consulted FH if his mum wishes to seek an auspicious date for us etc.. but since MIL knees nt strong, would b v troublesome for her to go to e geomancer etc..
so my mum fixed e date and asked FH to check with his mum if it's ok..
as for hse, we saw a hse near my mum's place n since we had some other competition, we agreed to pay option fee on 2nd viewing.. MIL nt able to kae it for 2nd viewing..
now, MIL is unhappy.. she told SIL tat she feels left out:
- seek rom date nv consult her
- view hse nv inform her
also coz my bf's turning 29 next yr (chinese bdate) she feels not ausipicious for him to have AD, so muz postponed to 2009.. (i'm fine with it la)
so FH spoke to her n cfm with her if she wans to postponed to 2009.. then she replied "it's ur wedding, u wan to hav it in 2008 who can stop u?"
FH explained tat we juz wanna cfm n seek her advise.. she said "ur wedding, if u wan 2008 then take 2008 lo, not like i say anything u will follow"
so difficult to speak to!
SIL told FH tat MIL feels upset tat FH seems to be following everything fr my mum's side.. but, i mean, FH is not free to plan lo.. i did all e research for BS, overseas PS, rings, date etc myself and selected a few for FH to choose.. (reason being FH tinks there's still PLENTY of time to book for ROM which is in 070707)
i tot MIL might b appreciative that i'm planning it! so tat FH can hav less headache abt it (since his job v stressful)
n she noticed my proposal ring n juz nw asked FH hw much.. FH told her only 1k (he spent abt 6k)..
n she asked "y muz buy so many rings?"
but isnt it a norm to hav proposal ring n wedding band???
imagine if we were to tell her we're gg overseas for PS.. i tink she'll flip..
i mean, she's totally nt in our "era".. not to b rude but i somehow cant stand it!!! for CNY if she noes my FH buying goodies for my family, she'll sorta expect sth fr me too..
i do buy her some small things fr time to time (like desserts over to his hse etc) but to sorta expect sth from me coz FH bot sth for my mum is a bit weird!..
it's like she's q calculative n expects a DIL who does not expect $ or gifts etc fr e hubby and yet will slog for e family.. (i mean i dun expect FH to buy me gifts or pay for meals etc but i'll give my best for wedding lo.. juz feel her "expectation" is unrealistic)
oh my gosh.. alt she sumtimes show concern for me (like ask me nt to drink cold drinks when i hav dry coughs etc) but she's juz like those v traditional calculative MIL.. urgh!!!!
sry for e long complain..
she's 60+, comes from a frugal family.. (btw, i'm 24, bf's 26)
my mum's 50 and comes from a middle class family..
bec MIL's knees r nt so strong, she tend to stay at home n does nt interact much.. n has a fiery temper, cares for family but does not show her affection easily..
while my mum's still working n younger.. more "up to date" with current events..
lately, my mum has been planning for our rom date n viewing of hse with us.. my mum consulted FH if his mum wishes to seek an auspicious date for us etc.. but since MIL knees nt strong, would b v troublesome for her to go to e geomancer etc..
so my mum fixed e date and asked FH to check with his mum if it's ok..
as for hse, we saw a hse near my mum's place n since we had some other competition, we agreed to pay option fee on 2nd viewing.. MIL nt able to kae it for 2nd viewing..
now, MIL is unhappy.. she told SIL tat she feels left out:
- seek rom date nv consult her
- view hse nv inform her
also coz my bf's turning 29 next yr (chinese bdate) she feels not ausipicious for him to have AD, so muz postponed to 2009.. (i'm fine with it la)
so FH spoke to her n cfm with her if she wans to postponed to 2009.. then she replied "it's ur wedding, u wan to hav it in 2008 who can stop u?"
FH explained tat we juz wanna cfm n seek her advise.. she said "ur wedding, if u wan 2008 then take 2008 lo, not like i say anything u will follow"
so difficult to speak to!
SIL told FH tat MIL feels upset tat FH seems to be following everything fr my mum's side.. but, i mean, FH is not free to plan lo.. i did all e research for BS, overseas PS, rings, date etc myself and selected a few for FH to choose.. (reason being FH tinks there's still PLENTY of time to book for ROM which is in 070707)
i tot MIL might b appreciative that i'm planning it! so tat FH can hav less headache abt it (since his job v stressful)
n she noticed my proposal ring n juz nw asked FH hw much.. FH told her only 1k (he spent abt 6k)..
n she asked "y muz buy so many rings?"
but isnt it a norm to hav proposal ring n wedding band???
imagine if we were to tell her we're gg overseas for PS.. i tink she'll flip..
i mean, she's totally nt in our "era".. not to b rude but i somehow cant stand it!!! for CNY if she noes my FH buying goodies for my family, she'll sorta expect sth fr me too..
i do buy her some small things fr time to time (like desserts over to his hse etc) but to sorta expect sth from me coz FH bot sth for my mum is a bit weird!..
it's like she's q calculative n expects a DIL who does not expect $ or gifts etc fr e hubby and yet will slog for e family.. (i mean i dun expect FH to buy me gifts or pay for meals etc but i'll give my best for wedding lo.. juz feel her "expectation" is unrealistic)
oh my gosh.. alt she sumtimes show concern for me (like ask me nt to drink cold drinks when i hav dry coughs etc) but she's juz like those v traditional calculative MIL.. urgh!!!!
sry for e long complain..
Hi pinkbuttons
If I'm your mum and not in hurry to go back to your dad, I will stay and invite my friends to the house and tell my friends that the house is mine! Ha ha ha! Let your MIL taste her own medicine. Tell her that lawyer has been consulted too!
Well I believe your mum won't do that ...... But if you are going to divorce, you should ask your mum to act along with you. Most important thing is to take back what you have paid for and your husband should bare for the loss since the mess is caused by his mum and she would then be very happy as she could include her name in the house in order for your husband to keep it.
Are you sure you are going to divorce your husband? Maybe he could leave everything to his mother and leave the country and stay with your parents for a while and let his mother jump? Divorce should be the last resort.
......... Tell your husband may be he should consider to become a monk as his mum will never be happy with a DIL (whoever) as she is sooooo difficult to get along ...and somemore cannot have children..... then she will really lost a son....
If I'm your mum and not in hurry to go back to your dad, I will stay and invite my friends to the house and tell my friends that the house is mine! Ha ha ha! Let your MIL taste her own medicine. Tell her that lawyer has been consulted too!
Well I believe your mum won't do that ...... But if you are going to divorce, you should ask your mum to act along with you. Most important thing is to take back what you have paid for and your husband should bare for the loss since the mess is caused by his mum and she would then be very happy as she could include her name in the house in order for your husband to keep it.
Are you sure you are going to divorce your husband? Maybe he could leave everything to his mother and leave the country and stay with your parents for a while and let his mother jump? Divorce should be the last resort.
......... Tell your husband may be he should consider to become a monk as his mum will never be happy with a DIL (whoever) as she is sooooo difficult to get along ...and somemore cannot have children..... then she will really lost a son....
Hi pink buttons..
having read ur post, i really sympathise with you!
not much advise for u thou.. since i have barely 2 cents worth on MIL vs DIL battle..
i hope tat things will eventually work out for u!
reading ur post, i'm oso v afraid tat MIL will bec like tat in future esp coz FIL passed away n FH becomes more inclined towards his mum coz she's 'alone' etc.. MIL will stay with SIL coz SIL not intending to get married.. hope it stays tis way..
dun mind staying close to MIL.. but staying under a roof i tink i cant take it.. (alt FH doesnt wanna tink abt it)
spoke to Fh abt it and tat we muz remain firm on our stand and decide for urselves.. if MIL wans A, mum wans C we will definately offend 1 party or more wateva decision we make.. in tat case, might as well decide on sth we like n tell both parties our decision..
feel so frustrated!! as if wedding planning is nt stressful enough! sumtimes i wonder if mums wan e best for their sons, y dun they tink tat wat they're doing is putting e sons in a spot?
i really feel tat if FH sides his mum instead of me.. i might end up in a divorce.. sigh.. haven rom oredi tink of divorce.. undue stress mann
having read ur post, i really sympathise with you!
not much advise for u thou.. since i have barely 2 cents worth on MIL vs DIL battle..
i hope tat things will eventually work out for u!
reading ur post, i'm oso v afraid tat MIL will bec like tat in future esp coz FIL passed away n FH becomes more inclined towards his mum coz she's 'alone' etc.. MIL will stay with SIL coz SIL not intending to get married.. hope it stays tis way..
dun mind staying close to MIL.. but staying under a roof i tink i cant take it.. (alt FH doesnt wanna tink abt it)
spoke to Fh abt it and tat we muz remain firm on our stand and decide for urselves.. if MIL wans A, mum wans C we will definately offend 1 party or more wateva decision we make.. in tat case, might as well decide on sth we like n tell both parties our decision..
feel so frustrated!! as if wedding planning is nt stressful enough! sumtimes i wonder if mums wan e best for their sons, y dun they tink tat wat they're doing is putting e sons in a spot?
i really feel tat if FH sides his mum instead of me.. i might end up in a divorce.. sigh.. haven rom oredi tink of divorce.. undue stress mann
machiavellian
New Member
Greetings Pinkbuttons,
Been following this thread since you first voiced the predicament you're facing with your MIL. I have to admit that judging from what you've provided so far, your MIL is more than intolerable, and definitely way too overbearing and unreasonable to live with.
With in-laws of such nature, it is terribly difficult to come to terms with having to swallow the injustice dished out upon you. I also feel that although it should be our duty to at least make the effort to accommodate in-laws' behaviour however ridiculous they are, there is also a threshold for the nonsense we can stomach. Personally I believe for your case, you might have reached the point of no return with regards to attempting to make things work.
I think perhaps by now you might have considered the very real possibility of a divorce to end this episode. I do agree with the rest that divorce ought to be a last resort, but in your case, I do feel that it might be a most viable option to go for.
Try evaluating for yourself how the relationship between you and your husband is right now. Is there still love for each other? Do you still care and love him as much as before? Is your concern for his well-being reciprocated?
From a man's point of view, I find it farcical for a husband to claim that he still loves you dearly if he cannot even find the will in himself to stand up to his mother's unreasonable manners. This isn't about how filial a son he wants to be. He has wedded you and made you his wife, made the vows to treasure and cherish you as his spouse. The very least he can do is to protect you from harm's way. Seeing as to how he has been leaving you alone to withstand your MIL's endless barrage of verbal abuse, I do question his 'love' for you. Before anything else, he has essentially failed in his duty as a husband.
It is reassuring to learn that your mother's in town, as you know there is someone to look out for you regardless of what may result. Speak to her, speak to your husband, and then decide for YOURSELF whether or not this is the life you desire.
It is true when faced with problems in life, and marriage, that we must brave through them and make it a point to resolve them at all costs. But if our best is not enough, then we just have to accept that we have tried our best, and move on. Life's short, too short to waste precious time on such unhappiness.
Been following this thread since you first voiced the predicament you're facing with your MIL. I have to admit that judging from what you've provided so far, your MIL is more than intolerable, and definitely way too overbearing and unreasonable to live with.
With in-laws of such nature, it is terribly difficult to come to terms with having to swallow the injustice dished out upon you. I also feel that although it should be our duty to at least make the effort to accommodate in-laws' behaviour however ridiculous they are, there is also a threshold for the nonsense we can stomach. Personally I believe for your case, you might have reached the point of no return with regards to attempting to make things work.
I think perhaps by now you might have considered the very real possibility of a divorce to end this episode. I do agree with the rest that divorce ought to be a last resort, but in your case, I do feel that it might be a most viable option to go for.
Try evaluating for yourself how the relationship between you and your husband is right now. Is there still love for each other? Do you still care and love him as much as before? Is your concern for his well-being reciprocated?
From a man's point of view, I find it farcical for a husband to claim that he still loves you dearly if he cannot even find the will in himself to stand up to his mother's unreasonable manners. This isn't about how filial a son he wants to be. He has wedded you and made you his wife, made the vows to treasure and cherish you as his spouse. The very least he can do is to protect you from harm's way. Seeing as to how he has been leaving you alone to withstand your MIL's endless barrage of verbal abuse, I do question his 'love' for you. Before anything else, he has essentially failed in his duty as a husband.
It is reassuring to learn that your mother's in town, as you know there is someone to look out for you regardless of what may result. Speak to her, speak to your husband, and then decide for YOURSELF whether or not this is the life you desire.
It is true when faced with problems in life, and marriage, that we must brave through them and make it a point to resolve them at all costs. But if our best is not enough, then we just have to accept that we have tried our best, and move on. Life's short, too short to waste precious time on such unhappiness.
Hi Cho,
there is good and bad stories about MILs. Likewise, there are good and bad stories about DILs..just that MILs in those situations don't have the means to post stories about bad DILs on this forum for sharing.
I feel that everyone is responsible for their own fate, if I can use that word. What happens to someone may not happen to you. Whilst it is unfortunate that pinkbuttons is having a very bad time with her MIL, perhaps you can use her story as a lesson to you.
Speak with your FH and see how he feels. Is he ready to commit to you in the way you feel is accpetable? Or is he a mommy's boy?
Finnally, one word of advice. Let your FH deal with his mom. Don't interfere. Just deal with your parents. Make sure both you and yoru FH are on common ground. Deal with your respective parents. Don't owrry about ILs. Just try to be polite to them.
there is good and bad stories about MILs. Likewise, there are good and bad stories about DILs..just that MILs in those situations don't have the means to post stories about bad DILs on this forum for sharing.
I feel that everyone is responsible for their own fate, if I can use that word. What happens to someone may not happen to you. Whilst it is unfortunate that pinkbuttons is having a very bad time with her MIL, perhaps you can use her story as a lesson to you.
Speak with your FH and see how he feels. Is he ready to commit to you in the way you feel is accpetable? Or is he a mommy's boy?
Finnally, one word of advice. Let your FH deal with his mom. Don't interfere. Just deal with your parents. Make sure both you and yoru FH are on common ground. Deal with your respective parents. Don't owrry about ILs. Just try to be polite to them.
pinkbuttons
New Member
personally i was quite worried abt my mum cos she has a weak heart... she was in a car accident last year, and age is catching up. i told my hb that should anything happen to her here, i will hold them all fully responsible.
anyway, luckily my mum adopts a happy-go-lucky attitude. anything my mil says / scolds, she'll just listen and let things slide. she tries not to get upset or agitated by her words or attitude cos she knows it's not worth spoiling her health over things.
my dad didn't come, but after hearing what happened, yesterday nite he called my mil and scolded her. needless to say my mil was fuming mad, and lashed out at me. she angrily scolded back my dad, and told him that i'm her daughter-in-law, she's entitled to scold me or criticize me. she said that if she's not allowed to do so, we should have warned her in advance before the marriage.
while on the phone with my dad, she immediately also scolded my mum saying that if she wants she can get her son to divorce me, surely my parents wouldn't want that, they shld first consider my marital happiness before they lash out at her. now she's demanding that my dad apologize to her for scolding her - saying that he's unreasonable and 'ye man'.
later in the night, my hb then came into my mum's room (i was hiding in there, crying after the lashing) to speak with me & my mum. his mum was obviously displeased that he was talking to us, and said that he's siding w us - trying to conspire against her.
my mum gently told my hb that she thinks it's quite intolerable to continue on like this. eventually, we would be the ones who suffer, both emotionally & mentally. she told him that she thinks of him as a son, and she also doesn't wish for anything bad on him, but she said that it may be better for me to move out of the house, perhaps even temporarily in order for things to cool down. she warned him though, that no matter what happens, he will be the one to suffer, especially financially. she never mentioned divorce to him, just told him to be prepared that she is considering asking me to move out.
she told him she knows he's sandwiched between us, and there's really little he can do. later my mum told me that she noticed my hb start to tear a little as he was talking to her. she also suggested to him that maybe he shld ask his godma for advice, and get her to step in. he told my mum that she's aware of what been going on recently, but he's afraid of her talking to his mum, cos his mum'll only get more angry. he also told my mum that there's no way that he can move out with me, seeing that his mum is so unreasonable.
after my dad's scolding, my mil called all her relatives telling her that she was scolded. then she's demanding that my dad fly over here, and asked her relatives to be on standby in case he comes. she claims that my dad threatened her (though how she can clearly make out my dad's broken mandarin is another thing i can't figure) and that she shld lodge a police report, later she step out of the house and got attacked by some gangsters or something then can trace it back to my dad. anyway, my dad has no intention of coming, someone has to be at home to look after the dogs...
anyway, luckily my mum adopts a happy-go-lucky attitude. anything my mil says / scolds, she'll just listen and let things slide. she tries not to get upset or agitated by her words or attitude cos she knows it's not worth spoiling her health over things.
my dad didn't come, but after hearing what happened, yesterday nite he called my mil and scolded her. needless to say my mil was fuming mad, and lashed out at me. she angrily scolded back my dad, and told him that i'm her daughter-in-law, she's entitled to scold me or criticize me. she said that if she's not allowed to do so, we should have warned her in advance before the marriage.
while on the phone with my dad, she immediately also scolded my mum saying that if she wants she can get her son to divorce me, surely my parents wouldn't want that, they shld first consider my marital happiness before they lash out at her. now she's demanding that my dad apologize to her for scolding her - saying that he's unreasonable and 'ye man'.
later in the night, my hb then came into my mum's room (i was hiding in there, crying after the lashing) to speak with me & my mum. his mum was obviously displeased that he was talking to us, and said that he's siding w us - trying to conspire against her.
my mum gently told my hb that she thinks it's quite intolerable to continue on like this. eventually, we would be the ones who suffer, both emotionally & mentally. she told him that she thinks of him as a son, and she also doesn't wish for anything bad on him, but she said that it may be better for me to move out of the house, perhaps even temporarily in order for things to cool down. she warned him though, that no matter what happens, he will be the one to suffer, especially financially. she never mentioned divorce to him, just told him to be prepared that she is considering asking me to move out.
she told him she knows he's sandwiched between us, and there's really little he can do. later my mum told me that she noticed my hb start to tear a little as he was talking to her. she also suggested to him that maybe he shld ask his godma for advice, and get her to step in. he told my mum that she's aware of what been going on recently, but he's afraid of her talking to his mum, cos his mum'll only get more angry. he also told my mum that there's no way that he can move out with me, seeing that his mum is so unreasonable.
after my dad's scolding, my mil called all her relatives telling her that she was scolded. then she's demanding that my dad fly over here, and asked her relatives to be on standby in case he comes. she claims that my dad threatened her (though how she can clearly make out my dad's broken mandarin is another thing i can't figure) and that she shld lodge a police report, later she step out of the house and got attacked by some gangsters or something then can trace it back to my dad. anyway, my dad has no intention of coming, someone has to be at home to look after the dogs...
pinkbuttons
New Member
regarding my hubby, i suppose i still have a soft spot. i also don't want to go for divorce, but after assessing the situation, it really dosn't appear that there is any other solution. if i don't opt to do so, then the only other alternative is to continue on like this, let my mil rule my life as well as her son's, let her have her way all the time, no matter how unreasonable... but really, there is only so much that i can bear. i don;t want to go through the rest of my life (or the rest of her life) tip-toeing around her, concentrating on pleasing her, and constantly being fearful of another out-lash. i don't know whether this is a time for that last resort, or if this is the only possible solution.
my hubby said during one of his arguments with his mum, he stood up for me and his mum was very angry. she scolded him and demanded him to kneel down and apologize to her. he said of cos he didn't do so, but u can just imagine what sort of mother she is, and what sort of in-laws i'm facing. i sympathize w my hb, but that's all i can do. if he can't do anything, then who else can?
of cos i weighed the option of my hb severing ties with his mum, but how can i even suggest that? i may hate her to the core, but even i wouldn't want such an extreme. she'll only curse me to my death. i never mentioned this to my hb, and i don;t think he would agree to that either.
u know recently the PM was encouraging that married couples stay with their elders? well, my mil also 'hinted' not-so-subtly to my hb that see even the govt says u shld live with ur parents...
my hubby said during one of his arguments with his mum, he stood up for me and his mum was very angry. she scolded him and demanded him to kneel down and apologize to her. he said of cos he didn't do so, but u can just imagine what sort of mother she is, and what sort of in-laws i'm facing. i sympathize w my hb, but that's all i can do. if he can't do anything, then who else can?
of cos i weighed the option of my hb severing ties with his mum, but how can i even suggest that? i may hate her to the core, but even i wouldn't want such an extreme. she'll only curse me to my death. i never mentioned this to my hb, and i don;t think he would agree to that either.
u know recently the PM was encouraging that married couples stay with their elders? well, my mil also 'hinted' not-so-subtly to my hb that see even the govt says u shld live with ur parents...
hi pink buttons,
since u cant really move out or stay with MIL.. hav u ever thought of moving to a place where MIl can stay nearby?? alt it might b a bit hard if ur hse's nt yet 5 yrs etc and cant sell..
i really sympathize with u n ur hubby.. i guess ur MIL could b jealous or having menopause?
how about moving out first and let MIL noe ur intention to get divorced.. then ur hubby withh of coz b v miserable and see if MIL can soften and realise e pain she put her son thru?
juz a tot... pls do take care..
===========================================
hi cactus,
thanks for ur advise..
well, in a way, he became a little more sympathetic to his mum aft his dad passed away due to a small accident suddenly..
he felt that his mum is all alone now and the least he could do since we;re getting our own hse is to please her for e wedding..
i cant imagine if she were to interfere with me bringing up my kids in future..
ultimately, i hope my FH sides with me.. whilst as much as i may not be able to stand his mum, like u mentioned, i'll still be polite towards her..
can u imagine, when i go to his hse, all i say to her is "hi auntie" and "bye auntie".. i admit i dun really wish to tok to her coz we do not have much common topics.. i do not hav problems connecting with other pp's mums thou.. probably only those who r more outgoing..
and lastly, like u mentioned, i hav spoken to him tat it'll nv b possible to please both mums (his mum wans to make sure he doesnt marry a wife who only squanders $; similarly my mum wans to see that i hav married well) hence we hav to hav a common grd and we'll b responsible for communicating between our mums..
it's juz sad that whilst i've put so much effort for this wedding (research and all for BS, PS, rings and venue.. yes, i planned everything.. he has not read a single forum etc)
e least i hope is to be appreciated.. he did tell me tat he appreciates wat i do.. yet when i call him aft work to discuss on a venue or e menu for ROM (i wanna make sure if he wans buffet or chinese dishes) he tells me "can we discuss it during weekend? i'm really tired"
i mean, com'on, ain't i equally tired? since i hav to work as well as research? haiz..
=================================================
since u cant really move out or stay with MIL.. hav u ever thought of moving to a place where MIl can stay nearby?? alt it might b a bit hard if ur hse's nt yet 5 yrs etc and cant sell..
i really sympathize with u n ur hubby.. i guess ur MIL could b jealous or having menopause?
how about moving out first and let MIL noe ur intention to get divorced.. then ur hubby withh of coz b v miserable and see if MIL can soften and realise e pain she put her son thru?
juz a tot... pls do take care..
===========================================
hi cactus,
thanks for ur advise..
well, in a way, he became a little more sympathetic to his mum aft his dad passed away due to a small accident suddenly..
he felt that his mum is all alone now and the least he could do since we;re getting our own hse is to please her for e wedding..
i cant imagine if she were to interfere with me bringing up my kids in future..
ultimately, i hope my FH sides with me.. whilst as much as i may not be able to stand his mum, like u mentioned, i'll still be polite towards her..
can u imagine, when i go to his hse, all i say to her is "hi auntie" and "bye auntie".. i admit i dun really wish to tok to her coz we do not have much common topics.. i do not hav problems connecting with other pp's mums thou.. probably only those who r more outgoing..
and lastly, like u mentioned, i hav spoken to him tat it'll nv b possible to please both mums (his mum wans to make sure he doesnt marry a wife who only squanders $; similarly my mum wans to see that i hav married well) hence we hav to hav a common grd and we'll b responsible for communicating between our mums..
it's juz sad that whilst i've put so much effort for this wedding (research and all for BS, PS, rings and venue.. yes, i planned everything.. he has not read a single forum etc)
e least i hope is to be appreciated.. he did tell me tat he appreciates wat i do.. yet when i call him aft work to discuss on a venue or e menu for ROM (i wanna make sure if he wans buffet or chinese dishes) he tells me "can we discuss it during weekend? i'm really tired"
i mean, com'on, ain't i equally tired? since i hav to work as well as research? haiz..
=================================================
pinkbuttons, I think you should take most of our advice and move out of the house.
Hopefully your husband can sort things out with his mom.
It's unfortunate that his name is with his mom's in the HDB flat. But it doesn't mean that he has to stay with his mom all his life. He can always rent a place with you outside.
The PM encourages us to stay with elders. The reason is probably because the Govt doesn't want to bear such a great responsibility for the old people who have working dependents... it is an aging population in Singapore. Govt is worried that it woudl have to increase taxes and lose international competitivity if it increases taxes just to raise revenue to "feed" the aged. It was a policy statement.
Of course, I don't think it's right to leave parents in the lurge. It is important to visit parents regularly, give them financial support where necessary. Give them emotioal support and spend time with them. But I don't think it's the duty of every child to live under the same roof as their parents. What would happen if both spouses are only childs?
Hopefully your husband can sort things out with his mom.
It's unfortunate that his name is with his mom's in the HDB flat. But it doesn't mean that he has to stay with his mom all his life. He can always rent a place with you outside.
The PM encourages us to stay with elders. The reason is probably because the Govt doesn't want to bear such a great responsibility for the old people who have working dependents... it is an aging population in Singapore. Govt is worried that it woudl have to increase taxes and lose international competitivity if it increases taxes just to raise revenue to "feed" the aged. It was a policy statement.
Of course, I don't think it's right to leave parents in the lurge. It is important to visit parents regularly, give them financial support where necessary. Give them emotioal support and spend time with them. But I don't think it's the duty of every child to live under the same roof as their parents. What would happen if both spouses are only childs?
Hi cho,
It's very natural to be enthusiatic to share with your FH your research. Perhaps you can try to hold back your research and only talk to your FH about it during the weekends? Weekends is probably when he is more relaxed and not thinking about work and that's when he can give you the fullest attention?
It's very natural to be enthusiatic to share with your FH your research. Perhaps you can try to hold back your research and only talk to your FH about it during the weekends? Weekends is probably when he is more relaxed and not thinking about work and that's when he can give you the fullest attention?
cecilialim
Active Member
cactus i dun think his name is with his mom's in the HDB flat.... the mum meant cos his son's name is on the hdb flat, she is also the owner of the flat...
pinkbuttons.. i feel a big thrashing out have to tke place.. in front of all your relatives and you MIL releatives.. if not, nothing can be solved.. at this stage, you can only drag.. and " told him that i'm her daughter-in-law, she's entitled to scold me or criticize me" sigh.. what a bitch she is... and one thing... look after the dogs? are they as impt as his own daughter's happiness? everyone is not giving 100%... only your MIL is... she is defensive 100%, thats why she is winning... your mum i think can't help much, cos she can keep quiet like that even got scolded by you MIL....
pinkbuttons.. i feel a big thrashing out have to tke place.. in front of all your relatives and you MIL releatives.. if not, nothing can be solved.. at this stage, you can only drag.. and " told him that i'm her daughter-in-law, she's entitled to scold me or criticize me" sigh.. what a bitch she is... and one thing... look after the dogs? are they as impt as his own daughter's happiness? everyone is not giving 100%... only your MIL is... she is defensive 100%, thats why she is winning... your mum i think can't help much, cos she can keep quiet like that even got scolded by you MIL....
janicachan
New Member
hi pinkbuttons,
if ur mil claimed the flat is hers becoz the flat bears his son;s name and she is staying in the flat. then ur mother also can argue that she has a share too coz the flat bears ur name and if ur mother stay under the same roof.
ur mil is plain nonsense in saying such thing. n i think she does not respect ur mother too.
who knows what is she thinking.
reading all ur posts, i am speechless. altho i have some noise over my mil, mine would not b like ur mil. ur mil is totally a nuisance.
i wish u can sort things out w/ ur husband n gather ur guts to fight back! afterall, being a dil doesnt mean that we need to succumb mil's ill treatment. afterall, u have ur parents to support u and all dil in this thread to support u!
if ur mil claimed the flat is hers becoz the flat bears his son;s name and she is staying in the flat. then ur mother also can argue that she has a share too coz the flat bears ur name and if ur mother stay under the same roof.
ur mil is plain nonsense in saying such thing. n i think she does not respect ur mother too.
who knows what is she thinking.
reading all ur posts, i am speechless. altho i have some noise over my mil, mine would not b like ur mil. ur mil is totally a nuisance.
i wish u can sort things out w/ ur husband n gather ur guts to fight back! afterall, being a dil doesnt mean that we need to succumb mil's ill treatment. afterall, u have ur parents to support u and all dil in this thread to support u!
Thanks, Cecilia. Sorry for the wrong inference drawn.
I think pinkbuttons needs to decide for herself if she wants out of the marriage or if she wants to convince her husband to take a same stance as herself, at the risk of pitting himself against his own mom.
How old are you pinkbuttons? Although I don't encourage divorce, sometimes, it may be necessary to preserve sanity and happiness to get out of the marriage. Short term pain better than long term agony. If you are relatively young, say, less than 35, I think you should just get out of the marraige. You have a long life ahead of you.
I think pinkbuttons needs to decide for herself if she wants out of the marriage or if she wants to convince her husband to take a same stance as herself, at the risk of pitting himself against his own mom.
How old are you pinkbuttons? Although I don't encourage divorce, sometimes, it may be necessary to preserve sanity and happiness to get out of the marriage. Short term pain better than long term agony. If you are relatively young, say, less than 35, I think you should just get out of the marraige. You have a long life ahead of you.
pinkbuttons
New Member
cactus, the HDB is in my name & my husband's.
janica, yup, my hubby & my mum did say that cos i own half share in the flat, hence my mum is also shares the same entitlements as my mil. my mil just didn't want to listen, scolded us saying that we are wrong...
really no point trying to reason with her, or argue with her.. she simply doesn't listen to reason. only her own logic is correct, other than that whatever we say is wrong. arguing with her only ends up angering ourselves, and i dun wan my mum (or my dad) getting over agitated - it's not worth it. they're much older than her, health-wise not as good. why shld i risk their health over someone like that?
anyway, from what i see, even if we win the arguments this time round, it won't stop her from picking on me in the many years to come. she's only 52 yrs old.. what if she lives to be 80??
i'm quite resigned to the situation. why fight anymore? my husband says he loves me, but other than argue w his mum & get scolded in return, there's nothing else he can do either..
janica, yup, my hubby & my mum did say that cos i own half share in the flat, hence my mum is also shares the same entitlements as my mil. my mil just didn't want to listen, scolded us saying that we are wrong...
really no point trying to reason with her, or argue with her.. she simply doesn't listen to reason. only her own logic is correct, other than that whatever we say is wrong. arguing with her only ends up angering ourselves, and i dun wan my mum (or my dad) getting over agitated - it's not worth it. they're much older than her, health-wise not as good. why shld i risk their health over someone like that?
anyway, from what i see, even if we win the arguments this time round, it won't stop her from picking on me in the many years to come. she's only 52 yrs old.. what if she lives to be 80??
i'm quite resigned to the situation. why fight anymore? my husband says he loves me, but other than argue w his mum & get scolded in return, there's nothing else he can do either..
pinkbuttons
New Member
cactus, i'm 27.
yah pinkbuttons,
I think you should move out. In fact, don't tell your husband your plans following your moving out. Just tell your husband that you think it's better for everyone if you move out for the time being given the circumstances, but that you will remain true to your wedding vows. Let your husband deal with your MIL. See how your husband reacts to your moving out. Then plan accordingly.
I think you should move out. In fact, don't tell your husband your plans following your moving out. Just tell your husband that you think it's better for everyone if you move out for the time being given the circumstances, but that you will remain true to your wedding vows. Let your husband deal with your MIL. See how your husband reacts to your moving out. Then plan accordingly.
cecilialim
Active Member
actually i felt unfiar if PB got to move out. why not make your hb and MIL move out? or just divorce and sell the flat... forgo the losses... sanity and inner peace is more impt than anything else... monetary in such situation just do not deserve to be mentioned..
I see your point Cecilia, but PB does not have parents or relatives in Singapore. She's going to be at the losing end if people gossip and say she chased husband and MIL move out.
I think PB is not willing to consider divorce seriously at this stage. She may, subsequently, but perhaps not now. If she wanted to end the marriage, she would not have called her parents in and would have just moved out.
I think PB is not willing to consider divorce seriously at this stage. She may, subsequently, but perhaps not now. If she wanted to end the marriage, she would not have called her parents in and would have just moved out.
ceci, don't think it is a good idea to ask them to move out because that would really mean the end of the marriage.
By moving out instead, pinkbuttons can get some peace and allow the situation to defuse a bit. Let hb deal with mil and over some time the picture will be clearer. Even if it ended in divorce, it is easier this way
By moving out instead, pinkbuttons can get some peace and allow the situation to defuse a bit. Let hb deal with mil and over some time the picture will be clearer. Even if it ended in divorce, it is easier this way
pinkbuttons
New Member
thanks everyone... i agree that i shld just move out.. will see if i can find a place as soon as possible.
hi PB,
i agree with cactus.. divorce shld really be the last resort.. who knows? after moving out, and everyone has more space, the tension may ease..
MIL might feel guilty and ur HB might oso miss u more? and if MIL keeps nagging, he may realise he cant leave w/o u?
tink positive ya? i tink divorce shld really be the last resort when u hav tried everything and still nothing can change..
all e best....
i agree with cactus.. divorce shld really be the last resort.. who knows? after moving out, and everyone has more space, the tension may ease..
MIL might feel guilty and ur HB might oso miss u more? and if MIL keeps nagging, he may realise he cant leave w/o u?
tink positive ya? i tink divorce shld really be the last resort when u hav tried everything and still nothing can change..
all e best....
cecilialim
Active Member
simpleman.. i see thaat either party move out means divorce in the end...
pinkbuttons
New Member
thanks again.
but actually, cecilia is right. i know the logical thing is to move out & let my hb solve his mum issues, but i also know my mil well enough to know that once i move out, there's really no turning back.
she's looking for every opportunity to get rid of me once & for all, moving out just gives her that golden chance. so now that i've decided to move, i'm also preparing for the worse case scenario.
but actually, cecilia is right. i know the logical thing is to move out & let my hb solve his mum issues, but i also know my mil well enough to know that once i move out, there's really no turning back.
she's looking for every opportunity to get rid of me once & for all, moving out just gives her that golden chance. so now that i've decided to move, i'm also preparing for the worse case scenario.
pinkbuttons, yes don't have to be too pessimistic. Be prepared for the worst but in the mean time enjoy a little peace. It is going to be quite a considerable length of time - 3 years at least before divorce - anything can still happen.
ceci, I don't think either party move is the same. The end result is not sure until the end. A lot of things can happen in 3 years and even if want to separate do it properly by moving out and not chase MIL away and create a situation that it would be impossible to reconcile.
ceci, I don't think either party move is the same. The end result is not sure until the end. A lot of things can happen in 3 years and even if want to separate do it properly by moving out and not chase MIL away and create a situation that it would be impossible to reconcile.
cecilialim
Active Member
i'm curious.... if PB moves out and get separation.. she got to continue paying for the house?
CPF board and HDB/Bank will not care about the state of the marriage. It is ownership that matters. So if the house is in PB's name and PB signed the HDB/Bank loan and agreed to let CPF deduct her account towards teh payment of the house, PB has to continue paying.
ACtually, I don't think PB should stop paying. Cos it may signal that she wants out of the marriage.
I don't think PB wants out of the marriage yet.
It is a tough situation PB is it.
If only PB's husband can be more mature and more loving towards PB.
If I were a guy, I would not marry a woman unless I am sure I can protect her. And if my wife moves out, I will move out with her. After all, I had a choice in marriage. If can't protect, why marry?
I think at the very least, PB's husband should put PB up with a trusted relative/friend, given that PB is alone in Singapore with no parents around. It's not safe for a lady to live alone. And PB's husband should give PB and the trusted friend/relative some allowance for PB's living expenses since a husband's role is to provide for a wife (traditional view, yes... ).
ACtually, I don't think PB should stop paying. Cos it may signal that she wants out of the marriage.
I don't think PB wants out of the marriage yet.
It is a tough situation PB is it.
If only PB's husband can be more mature and more loving towards PB.
If I were a guy, I would not marry a woman unless I am sure I can protect her. And if my wife moves out, I will move out with her. After all, I had a choice in marriage. If can't protect, why marry?
I think at the very least, PB's husband should put PB up with a trusted relative/friend, given that PB is alone in Singapore with no parents around. It's not safe for a lady to live alone. And PB's husband should give PB and the trusted friend/relative some allowance for PB's living expenses since a husband's role is to provide for a wife (traditional view, yes... ).
cecilialim
Active Member
i just feel very shortchanged for her.. paying for her own house but the mad MIl claims is hers.. and can't stay in there also.. so sad
Ceci - the prob lies with her husband. It's obvious lah. Root of the prob is the MIL. But before PB got marriedm, she couldn't possibly have run a check on all of her husband's close relatives and friends right? The husband has the power in him to change the situation but he is not doing it.
I also feel very sorry for PB but think there is no choice except to move out. See what her husband will do loh.
I also feel very sorry for PB but think there is no choice except to move out. See what her husband will do loh.
flyingstar
New Member
I find that in this case even the husband cannot do anything much. If he sides PB, he will be considered unfilial. If he sides his mom, PB will be victimized.
The only way is if other relatives can see the big picture and counsel his mom. Yet they believe everything his mon says, which makes it more difficult.
I just don't understand why the MIL is actually making an effort to spoil her son's marriage. Haiz.
The only way is if other relatives can see the big picture and counsel his mom. Yet they believe everything his mon says, which makes it more difficult.
I just don't understand why the MIL is actually making an effort to spoil her son's marriage. Haiz.
cecilialim
Active Member
being filial is a virtue... but 'yu2 xiao4' is not
Sorry this may be a bad idea but, PB may wish to consider doing the extreme and threatening to chase the MIL out of the house. Get the lawyers to serve her a letter of trespass and give her 24 hours to get out. Get a protection order against her too using something like "causing mental stress and threat to life" as a reason.
This may wake her up. It may be really extreme and people will talk but its a way to wake the MIL up at the moment. May want to warn the hubby first though. Let him know you will not really take the full action but warn her that the house is yours and not hers. She is a guest.
If she can wake up her idea, you marriage can be saved. Else very difficult.
Anyway, I dun think government is encouraging to live with family. I think MCYS encourage to live near but not in same house.
This may wake her up. It may be really extreme and people will talk but its a way to wake the MIL up at the moment. May want to warn the hubby first though. Let him know you will not really take the full action but warn her that the house is yours and not hers. She is a guest.
If she can wake up her idea, you marriage can be saved. Else very difficult.
Anyway, I dun think government is encouraging to live with family. I think MCYS encourage to live near but not in same house.
Be strong PB, it's always difficult when u'r dealing wz MIL, it's worse when yr hubby don't stand up for you especially when u'r right. Moving out might be a solution to cool things down and think about what u really want out of this marriage, is it still worth it for you to hold on. U'r so young, u don't want to spend the nx 5-10yrs or so feeling misearable.
hi fifi..
but if PB chases her MIL out, wun it make it easier for MIL to portray herself as the miserable MIL ill-treated by DIL?
MIL has no lack of relatives, hence, by throwing her out, she can easily stay at another relative's pl.. giving her more chance to mourn over being thrown out..
wat's more, if PB does reconcile with her HB, her relatives wun not tink good of her?
but overall, juz my 2 cents worth..
but if PB chases her MIL out, wun it make it easier for MIL to portray herself as the miserable MIL ill-treated by DIL?
MIL has no lack of relatives, hence, by throwing her out, she can easily stay at another relative's pl.. giving her more chance to mourn over being thrown out..
wat's more, if PB does reconcile with her HB, her relatives wun not tink good of her?
but overall, juz my 2 cents worth..
pinkbuttons
New Member
actually even my mum agrees that the situation can only improve if my hb stand firm and tell his mother off. but my mum noticed that each time his mom shouts, my hb will only stand in a corner and keep quiet.
my mil shows no respect for my mum even now that she's staying with us. my mum makes an effort to chat with her (even though she also detests my mil) but my mil will just ignore her & not respond.
for example, yesterday i was out at work, and my mum stayed at home with my mil and my hb. my mil went out to buy dinner for her and my hb, never even ask my mum whether she wanted to eat. my mum noticed that she just bought back 2 packets for her & her son, ignoring my mum completely. then my mum ke-ke ask her, "u never go out for dinner ah...?"
anyway, i'm still sourcing for a plc to rent. if anyone knows of any agent who does hdb rental, pls do recommend me. thanks in advance!
my mil shows no respect for my mum even now that she's staying with us. my mum makes an effort to chat with her (even though she also detests my mil) but my mil will just ignore her & not respond.
for example, yesterday i was out at work, and my mum stayed at home with my mil and my hb. my mil went out to buy dinner for her and my hb, never even ask my mum whether she wanted to eat. my mum noticed that she just bought back 2 packets for her & her son, ignoring my mum completely. then my mum ke-ke ask her, "u never go out for dinner ah...?"
anyway, i'm still sourcing for a plc to rent. if anyone knows of any agent who does hdb rental, pls do recommend me. thanks in advance!
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