pinkbuttons, stay strong! At least your hb is not as irrational as his mother is. Except that he's caught in a bind.
As for your credit card bills, your statements are retrievable. You may have to pay an administrative fee, but these are real evidence, and the bank can churn them out for you.
Also, your hb can also change his will at a later date without informing his mother. It is HIS will anyway.
She probably needs medical help or LOTS of grace if she is that manipulative. One question. Do you know if your hb's family (on his mum's side) has a history of mental illness? From your accounts, I'm wondering if she's suffering from schizophrenia.
redshoes, nope no history of mental illness. i tend towards the thinking that it's more manipulation, cos it appears that his side of the family thinks she's being very reasonable & logical. i'm the one who's supposedly the 'irrational' DIL.
she told her son that he can go out to the streets, randomly pick any girl & she'd be 10 times better than me.
Get your husband to make it known that his will is against his own wishes. Get it written down or ask him to call the lawyer to tell the lawyer that. So that the will will be void. THe lawyer can't tell your MIL what your hb said to him cos your hb is rightfully his client, not your MIL.
You MUST get it documented some where.
Alternatively, get your husband to write a new will.
Bear in mind certain assets cannot be willed away - ie. CPF $ cannot be willed, and some types of insurance proceeds.
hi cactus, my mum only coming at the end of the month. my dad wanted to fly over immediately, but i calmed him down & said not to be too rash. i didn't mention to my mil abt my mum's plans to come.
cecilia, i agree that recording conversations quite impt now. but not so much to show relatives, cos they are aware of my mil's actions & are fully in support of it.
Pinkbuttons, i reali sympathise with your situation..hope things turn out well for u...
not sure if ur MIL is in menopausal stage...cos according to doctors, menopausal women are like tat...they tend to be very hot tempered & very emotionally affected...I feel she is just too protective of herself & afraid both of u will dump her...is ur husb the only son?
but also to say...if ur husb & u continue to stay will her...i think will cause u 2 very emotional stress up & affect u mentally....felt sad for u...
hmmmmmm... actually, like what cactus said, your husband can draw up a new will, but I proposed the followings :
1. Draw a new will with a different lawyer, specifically specify that the new will supercede all other will(s) made prior to the date (of the new will).
2. Get his will registered with the law society so that there will not be any dispute which is the more current will.
I am glad that your hubby is thinking of moving out with you. As for the parental thing enforceable by law, it only states that you need to provide a maintenance for the parent(s), don't think it says must stay with her leh.
yup, i mentioned to my hb that my mom is coming. specifically told him not to say anything to his mom (dunno if he'll end up saying or not...)
we're already looking out for a flat to rent. keeping my fingers crossed that he'll end up moving with me. else worse case i go ahead alone, can't possibly stay at home with my mil much longer. i'll be the one with the mental breakdown!
i think your hb may tell his mum your mum is coming given his track records... so enforce that he dun say a thing... your MIL also giving u a diff time cos she knows your are alone.. parents overseas and you have no backing.
yup record.. cos you nvr know what will happen in future. and you MAY need those recordings to prove yourself innocence in time to come
Pinkbuttons, be strong for yourself & your supportive parents.
Seriously, i don't think your hubby or your mom or in fact, any1, can reason with this MAD woman.
Honestly, if i were in your shoe, i would have left long ago. U r nice enough to your hubby for enduring till now.
Since u have decided to leave then MUST take back whateven u have put in for everything, the hse, wedding...etc.
hi everybody, yup, haven't posted in a while... have been keeping extra busy lately. have wanted to hear yr opinions though...
over the last week or so, my mil has continued w 'harassing' her son - you know, the phone-calling, crying, complaining, etc... the usual..
the other nite, she called my hubby up in the middle of the nite (remember she's just in the next room), to ask him to come out to help her paste a medicated plaster.
anyway, to a point my hb got fed up & told her that she wants him to commit suicide instead issit? she simply told him that if he dies, she'll die with him... which my hubby doubts.
he told me that even if he dies, she won't commit suicide, esp now that she's gotten him to draw up his will, she has nothing to lose. so guess all our earlier ideas abt my hubby threatening suicide won't work in this case.
i haven't found a plc to move yet, have been keeping an eye out in the meantime. initially my hb wanted to move out too, but suddenly my mil tells him that she wants to make peace. and naturally, my hb comes back & tries to persuade me not to move after all.
i'm very suspicious, & not quite certain of what games she wants to play this time. bearing in mind that after so many months of complaining & crying on her end, after all that she's said & done, she suddenly claims to want to make peace?? she's not apologizing for anything, she still thinks she's right, and i'm very wary of a repeat episode.
especially since in the same conversation that she told my hb she wants peace, she also told him "you'd better not have children, later u use the children to force me out of the house".
what do u think? i personally would prefer to continue w my plans of moving out. i really can't stand her tantrums any longer, and i know this episode will not be the last.
though she says to my hb she wants peace, she still glares at me when i leave the house in the mornings. i can't bear to call her 'mum' cos i can't imagine any mother acting as selfishly as she does. i admit i feel disgusted to call her 'mum'.
my thots are, she merely say she wan to make peace to look better in front of her son. so if nw u refused, u will look like the bad DIL while she is really a victimised poor MIL.
guess dis is call 'yi tui wei jing', perhaps, she noe abt ur plan of moving out ba....
so i tink it is best nt to direct clash wif her. be fake wif her....on the surface, u accept peace and try to make peace...and if she start her nonesense again, then u can act as a victim in front of ur husband....
hi pinkbuttons, I think your MIL is very afraid of her son leaving her. I think you should captilize on that. Whilst you try to make peace at home by remaining tolerant and neutral, try to make your husband see that if the need arises you guys need to move out together. Keep your MIL on tenterhooks.
so u all think it's best if i stay put for the time being? the fact remains that everything she took is still with her, jewellery, money, etc, with no signs of anything being returned. even our wedding rings are now with her... (that's if she hasn't pawned them already..)
frankly, my hb knows exactly wat games his mum plays, & he knows that his mum's threats are really just threats. the thing is, even though he's clear on that, i know he'd never move out even if the need arose.
as i was looking out for a new plc, i asked him straight out, would he be moving? he never answered directly, avoided the question & kept changing the topic. more or less i gathered that his plan that he would stay with me on alternate days if i moved out, & return to stay w his mum on the other days that he's not with me. feels like he's alternating btw wives / mistresses, huh?
i'm in a dilemma... i don't know if this is the life i want to live? if i stay put, then i have to constantly be on my toes, even at home, where it's supposed to be a safe haven, not knowing when another tirade will break out... not knowing whether i can count on my hb to stand by me.
yet if i move out, as some of u have pointed out, it's easier to be labelled as a bad DIL, walking out on her hb, prob on the path to separation.
Is it really that horrifying to live with MIL? I heard many stories from my friends who lived with inlaws and most of them have problems living together. One of the MIL even slam the phone whenever she called back.....
My bf's mother has been hinting us to live together after our wedding. She is now living with her eldest son and family. Though we are on quite good terms now, i dont know if we will problems one day.
sunflower, there's always pros and cons to living with MIL, if you can and know your MIL very well (if you have been with your bf family for very long you will know), maybe there's no problems. But there are always good MILs ard, just that no one really come in here and praise good MIL
I hardly see my future MIL as she live with her eldest son. We only had dinner with them occasionally when she feel like cooking a big feast. So i cannot say i know her very well. I know there are good and bad about living together. I hope to maintain our good relationship as it is now.
Hi sunflower, perhaps you can find out what your bf feels about staying together? I think it's okay to stay for a short while with MIL if the circumstances are such that it's more convenient for you. But perhaps not for too long. It's easy to get into arguments with people we are familiar with. think about our siblings and parents!
But it's different when we argue with family and when we argue with ILs. Our husbands will almost always be uncomfortable if we argue with ILs.
My bf is the only son, his two other sisters are married. So currently he stays with his parents (60 years old) in a 5 room flat.
But I do not wish to stay with in-laws. They are the very traditional type and I know I will go crazy staying with them. So far they are nice to me lah.
I think it's a very touchy issue, cos he is a filial son. Once I have tried telling him casually that I do not want to stay with in-laws, he told me "sorry this matter I cannot accommodate you." Then I told him the best is I'll stay near them, but I will be very far from my own house. He seemed unmoved.
Though we do not have any marriage plans yet, I'm afraid that few years down road to discuss will be too late.
I want my own space, how can I approach this matter to my bf?
seriously, I dun think it's a wise thing to change how a person thinks. At the best, you succeed in changing how he thinks, but bear in mind that people around him, his friends his parents his relatives, will sense the change in him and they may bad mouth you. I'm not sure if you can take this pressure. Also, eventually, your bf may blame you for changing him ... against his will.
If I were in your position, I will ask myself what I will do if my bf refused to live away from his parents. If he still insists, I will choose to leave him cos I don't want to force someone to change his mind. He will be unhappy. I may feel the repurcussions subseuqnetly. I will talk to him about my feelings, and if he remains firm, I will give up the relationship.
Your bf is the only son and his parents are old.His parents are traiditonal. It means your bf is prob traditional also. The house is not small. It has 3 bedrooms. Enough for you to riase small kids in it. You also said he is a filial son. Do you want to be branded as the woman who made the son unfilial? I think it's a great sin to be so branded.
Hi catcus, saw you reply in my other thread, thanks! This is another problems that's giving me headache. I WOULD NOT stay in his current house. His mum keeps so much rubbish in the house, you know la, old folks dun like to throw things away, everything must keep.
I want to stay in a new house under my name and my Fhb, a house I can decorate the way I like and no rubbish. and yea, keep a dog. I know the pros of staying with in laws, but I foresee more problems than advantagee as I'm someone who values personal space more than anyone. I can't imagine that if in laws stay with us, and every weekend, the sisters bring their kids over and his cousins come and visit blah blah. Is it too much to ask for? I know I may be branded, but also depends how my bf convinces his parents. I also dun wanna become the evil DIL. I may not even want kids down the road. My bf and his ex-fiancee actually wanted to stay with his parents last time, so in a way, this is like expected of me as well.
Worse come to worse, yea, I will forgo this rship as staying with in laws might make me even more unhappy.
well... some ppl hold back marriage until the parents pass away ... reason is this is only way to escape staying with ILs and at same time no label of unfalial DIL. Actually I tot this is a pretty good way out especially useful for couples who dun plan to have kids, so marriage is just a piece of paper.
i tink u r contradicting. In the other thread, u worry, if he will stray due to his ex, another, u wan to noe if he is committed and nw u say u dun wan to live wif his parents and will let go of this r/s juz becoz u dun wan to live wif in laws!
actually, u make me feel tat u r the one who is nt ready for long term commitment. perhaps u r still young....too young to understand and appreciate certain tings.
actually, a man who is filial and take care of his family are usually a good husband material, coz if he take care of his parent, u noe tat he will take care of his own family he started too. a filial man is a man wif values and moral aka traditional but reliable. unless he is yu xiao....
for ur case, since u r nt prepared to stay wif ur in laws, i dun tink u really love ur bf tat deep yet and u gif me the feeling tat u love urself the most. so, best is to gif urself sometime to 'grow up' before committing to marriage life.
perhaps, ur bf also thot tat u r nt ready and mature enough so he is nt gifing u any signs of life time commitment too....
tink abt it....weight ur love for ur bf....see if he the one u willing to spend ur life wif.....if he see, see if u two can compromise for eg. u will live wif his parent but the hse hve to be decorate by u etc...
just wanna say pls consider carefully wrt staying with in-laws.. before my hb and i got married, he told me in advance that we'll be staying with his parents. At that point in time, i thot that his parents were alright, as we seemed to get along. I had the mentality (as per Diana's thread) about a fillial son being a good hb material etc....but i was so wrong. things btwn me and in-laws starting changing during the wedding prep. Things have changed for worse since then and the r/ship btwn me and in-laws are not so good now, esp with my MIL. we are staying with them and many unhappy things have happened. during fights with in-laws, i was always "alone" cos my hb either doesnt take sides, or he supports his mum. I did talk to hb if we can move to somewhere near his parents, and he said that it is like asking him to abandon his mum.
Like what cactus_79 mentioned, to bring this up only after u have stayed with in-laws for some time, it's going to be too late.
gals, i understand the pro and cons abt living wif in laws. and knowing my own short temper, i know i cant wif my in laws no matter how nice they will be. This was one of the reason which i broke up wif one of my ex also.
anyway my msg to iLurPurin is nt abt living wif in laws. It is abt her contradicting posts. which make me feel tat she is nt ready for life commitment yet. thus she nid to take a step back and tink wat she want in life first....
kerochan, at least ur hubby is nt those yu xiao son who will juz side their mum no matter who is at fault rite. dun talk abt staying wif in laws. even staying wif our husband, will also hv conflicts due to different upbringing esp the initial stage. but y it alway seem easier to get along wif our husband leh? coz we will make an effort to out of love rite?
actually, come to tink of it, no two individual can live together wifout conflicts....but juz how the two of them do to minimise it only. as for in laws, guess wat we all dun like is when they tried to get us to do wat they tink is right or good for us and enforce it on us wif the thougts tat wif their life experience, they cant be wrong. usually ignoring how we feel or perceive the issue. but guess tat wat we will do wen we are old too....as we wont want our children to 'hit on the same blocking stone' which we hv hit before mah.
unless, we suay suay mit nasty and evil in laws. if nt it is unlikely tat we will dislike or hate them....
Actually i do wonder if my hb is those yu xiao kind....cos it's like, whenever his mum turn on those her "waterworks" or get upset, he will be kinda like at loss and expect me to accomodate. i understand that 2 person will definitely have conflicts. when more than 2 persons stay together, wah, the conflict gets blown out of proportion sometimes... i did try to love and treat his mum as my own, but in her eyes, only her son, her siblings etc are family. those who get married into the family (eg me, her sis-in-law etc.) aren't. Furthermore,she very traditional and superstitious, which i m not, so she cant really stand it when sometimes i dont abide by all her laws of tradition and customs. Haiz, i keep on telling myself that my mil is insecure and that she is afraid of losing her only son / child..
hee, seriously if i ever have kids and become someone else's MIL, hopefully i dun turn into one who thinks that she is a know-it-all. ;o)
i am so angry!! took yr advice not to move out yet, thought no noise from mil meant all is ok (not well, but tolerable). turns out she's been harassing my hubby day in, day out. has been telling him that there's no way she'll ever leave him. he has only 1 mother, wives he can have many...
then last night she saw my hubby's credit card bill lying on our nightstand, she flipped thru & was so angry to see that i had charged $200 to my hubby's supplementary card. in front of me, she demanded to know from my hb why i had it charged to him, why not charge to my own & scolding him for it... all the fuss over a measly amount. furthermore, watever amount that i charge to his card, i always pay for my portion. not as if i expect him to pay!
then she told my hb that she wanted to have a word with me. i refused, and told my hb that if she wants to talk, she can wait till my mum is around before saying anything. can't always be that she says wat she wants & i can't retaliate.
anyway, this morning she told me that i should contribute to the housing expenses, can't always be that my hb shoulders the burden. i was so so pissed when i heard that. told her that she can't imply that i never contribute anything to the household, then i stormed off to work.
think she immediately called my hb after that, complaining that i yelled at her...
actually, if I have been in your shoes, I will probably move out anyway. Since she wants to make peace, moving out does not equate to no peace. Anyway, she is starting her nonsense again. Just be prepared. And if you need to move out regardless of what happens, please do so. And yes, it will be best if your husband defend your decision to do so.
It shouldn't matter to you that your MIL is being mean to you. I mean, you didn't marry her right? You married your husband. As long as your husband loves you dearly and takes your side, it's all that should matter.
Sure, your MIL can call your husband's hp to disturb him when you guys are together spending private moments, talk bad things about you, but if your husband still continues to love you, that's enough right?
We may not be able to stop how pple think about us, how they treat us. But do we have to be affected by them? Not really, unless they mean alot to us. And surely, your MIL can't mean alot to you. It's only your husband who means alot to you.
If you think of things in this way, perhaps you may be happier. Try to leave your husband to deal with your MIL. If your husband refuses to deal with her, be comforted at knowing that you are loved by your husband and you have loving parents. Your MIL is just another relative.
hi cactus, wish i could take yr advice... but no offense, really it's easier said than done.
she's starting again, and it's really hard to ignore the scathing remarks, the shouting, the screaming... esp after a long day at work, imagine not having the luxury of relaxing at home. instead i lock myself in the bathroom, scrubbing the floor or washing up - not cos the toilet is dirty, mind you... rather it's more to drown out the loud voices.
my mum is coming at the end of this week... hurray!! just wonder if all hell will break loose...
pb, rather hell break loose for few days then torture for your life throughout... i rather suffer for a few days... after that peace will prevail... no matter what outcome... but i can see you will feel relieve...