i dun think your hubby or you mil can survive without your financial help.. they seem so dependant on u. ask your parents over.. thrash it once and for all... talk everything out on one day. make or break, its really up to fate then.
*hugs* pinkbuttons dear... what can I say? You really power! Can tolerate till now... you hubby hasn't been putting in effort and your MIL is indeed a monster, yet you can put up with all these. I really admire your peserverance!
You don't have to feel sorry about ranting. We are here for you, to listen to you and to offer our kind words if you ever need them. That's what forums are all about right?
I've been following this thread for quite some time... and now i must really write my 2cents worth to wonder "aloud"....whatever made your husband tell his mother that your mom wishes to speak to him????
The least he can do is to talk to your mom first to find out how she thinks, what she says abt the situation between both of you etc. Is he afraid to get a scolding so went to his mother for "backup"? Can he have it worse (over the phone) than you (living with MIL)?
Did your husband even realise that he was clearly making things worse between u and MIL? Even if like what cactus said, he is giving up or avoiding, he can just choose not to speak to your mom. Instead he is adding blatent damage to the situation at home. No good reason that I can think of why he reported to your MIL, unless he had been "trained" to report every detail of his life.
It could be a case of insensitivity on his part but sad to say if he's insensitive to such an extent, I don't see how he can take care of you. I certainly wish to see you both together and not succumb to your MIL's nonsense. But its obvious you are going to be very much alone in this "war" with MIL.
Its a good thing your parents are now aware of your plight. Even if they clash with your MIL, you know you have the most important support from your closest and dearest. At least your MIL knows whatever she does has to be able to take on 3 pple. Good luck!!
Ha. The MIL will definitely not be afraid of 3 pple from pinkbutton side, Because The MIL has the support of a whole troop of relatives from Her side.
Pinkbuttons, the way i see it after reading thro' the so many posts, this problem will not go away unless your MIL is Dead or you get a police order to bar her from the abuses.
Otherwise... not that I want to pour cold water on your hopes, I really foresee that you will have to live with the abuses (inorder to be with your HB). Please please don't start a war of the in-laws by incolving your parents or relatives, might end up in fights & ppl will get hurt...
I apologise first if whatever I say tends towards the extreme of "fighting a war". But you have to protect yourself.
1. Stop supporting your MIL financially. He has to do it himself and not depend on you. Without your help, I dun think she or her son will be as comfortable as they are now. Why give her money to stomp on you?
2. Do not move out of the house. I believe you are paying your share for it (or even more than your hubby). In the event of a split, at least 50% of the house is yours. Don't give it to your MIL so easily.
3. Let your MIL know that the house is yours. You are paying for it. Your name is on the lease, not hers. You are the female owner of the house. You are just being kind and filial to let her stay there. If she wants to make things difficult for you, you can just get a court order to throw her out. You have the right to do so as the house is yours.
4. Let her know also that in the event of a divorce, her son will have to pay you maintanence (unless he can prove that he really cannot afford it). Ask her if she wants you 2 to divorce, then let her son have to pay you $$. Let her know that this will mean he has to work harder and have less time and money for her as well. Put it across also that in the event of a divorce, chances are you will get a bigger share of the house cos you can prove that you have been supporting the household expenses. She will have to move out.
Basically put it across that she has to butt out of your marriage and stop creating problems. Her son's immediate family nucleus in the eyes of the law now is you and him, not she and him. Force her to butt out. Shock her to butt out (I dun think she thinks that you will retaliate). After you remove her from the whole equation, solve your communication problem with your husband. Let him know that you dun really have anything against your MIL but you would appreciate if he stops being a mother's boy and start being your husband properly. Remind him that a marriage is meant to be forever and needs communication and work.
Stay strong for yourself, don't give in to your MIL or your husband request for money. I think you should list down the payment you have contributed so far to the household including the renovation and wedding dinner. Your husband should at least pay for half of the cost and make him payback to you by monthly installment and don't forget to include the $2K you gave him for his mum's furniture. Please add in the value of the pin jin and jewellery. You have been too nice to these 2 persons and you should also think for yourself in long term.
Why do you allow MIL to abuse you mentally? You should be the person controlling the situation since your husband is so 'coward and useless'. I'm not sure how did you survive 5 years of courtship with your husband but you should not let an old lady ruin your happiness. Control them financially then slowly widen your area of control to reverse the current situation. Your MIL is in her early 50s and take very long time to die so please brave yourself to rebuke her accusation or unreasonable request.
I may be wrong but seems to me the old lady concern is only about $$$. No need to give respect to that old lady since she took back the pin jin and jewellery meant for your wedding.
I must say I feel very indignant, very buay tahan when I read about your MIL. What ur MIL did is wrong but frankly, your husband by avoiding the issue is even worse. Indirectly, he is pampering her to continue all her antics.
What you should do:
1) Read the post by Fifi & JCYS
2) Reread the post by Fifi & JCYS again, and make sure you absorb the details
3) Now, reread the post by Fifi again, and make sure you know your RIGHTS. And FIGHT FOR IT
Sorry for saying, but your husband is a damn a**hole. He is just avoiding the issue and do not dare or maybe, donâ€™t see the need to stand up for you. He is hoping you will learn to accept the whole thing, don't quarrel with his mum and basically, accept everything even when the mum do not show u respect.
Pardon me from asking, does he really love you? You have been spending quite alot for the household, for the mum but did he contribute anything or spend effort/money on you? Sorry to ask but I just want you to think through so that you are clear that the family (son and mil) is not trying to cheat you of your money or home. Not trying to frighten you but there are such families...
Please have a talk with your husband on the relationship between u two and see where you stand (I presume the mother will never be out of the picture). Remember, do learn to stand up for yourself and protect yourself as sadly, ur husband is not the one you can depend on. If ur husband continues to be so useless and is such a weakling, maybe, u are better off being alone. ( not advocating divorce, just wanting you to know that you have to fight for your own happiness)
I believe in mutual respect between people but if the other party is like ur mil, I seriously see no need to maintain. Will tell/chase her to GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
I have the urge to print all these out and show your hubby pinkbuttons, if I ever get to know who he is!
Let him read and feel your anguish and frustrations from dealing with him and his mum. And let him read about all the comments on how terrible and not understanding he is as a hubby and not putting in effort to fight for his wife. He ought to feel ashamed. He has to do something about this! How could he let you fight the war alone while he can still spend his free time watching TV and chatting with his mum, while you are kept busy working hard and fuming over them, even paying for them, and still have to tolerate all their nonsense? I feel really upset for you pinkbuttons!
Tell your MIL either she shut up or leave, or you leave. And firmly let her know that if you are leaving, it's not without getting back your pin jin and stuff, and your share of the flat and the money you've spent on her and her precious son! And oh, tell her you're so gonna give her precious son one hell of a terrible terrible time!!! And don't worry about being neglected as she's in for it too!! *fumes* I'm feeling so unjust for you!
to be fair, my hb does treat me well, just that he's a weakling when it comes to managing his mum & me. too concerned with what other ppl will think to consider how it makes me feel. in the past his mum wasn't an issue, now after marriage, she's the one creating all the issues.
my hb told me he's been bombarded with phone calls & sms fr his relatives telling him off, saying how could he let his wife bully his mother?? his mum also sent him many sms, saying that he's a heartless son, to "join forces" with me to drive her out of the house. if only i could...
i angrily confronted him yesterday evening. told him after all i've been thru the very least he can do is talk to my mum. he din want to talk to her, but i kinda forced him to. my mum din scold him or anything, just spoke to him to gauge his position. he admitted to her that he's caught in the middle, kind of distancing himself from the mess.
my mum asked him if i were to insist on moving out, would he agree to do so? he told her that his moving out will only create more trouble, cos his relatives will say he's not filial.
my mum told me she understands that he's in a fix, but the way it's carrying on is not a solution. since my hb can't handle it, my parents are planning to fly over here to speak to my mil.
my dad asked my mum to stay with me a bit longer, to see if my mil still dare to bully me. they don't see why i shld be the one to move out, if anything, as you all say, i shld be telling my mil to get out of my house.
at least now that my parents are aware, i feel more comforted, cos i know they will stand up for me. esp since they've already had a taste of my mil's attitude during the wedding preps.
I see u mentioned that "to be fair, my hb does treat me well, just that he's a weakling when it comes to managing his mum & me. too concerned with what other ppl will think to consider how it makes me feel."
Well, I see it that though he treats you well, but he's not doing his part to protect you in front of his relatives and esp his mum. He loves himself more as he's more concerned with "face" (ie, how he's perceived in front of others) rather than the wellbeing of his own wife.
My hubby is also a very passive guy. Prefers to stay silent and avoid all forms of confrontation. But even for him, upon reading your post, he's also fuming for you and feels the same as me that it's about time your hubby wake up from his comfort zone and protect you.
I believe that the results will be much better if your hubby tries to salvage the situation between you and his mum & relatives cos he knows them better and it'd be a better scenario if it boils down to his mum's words against his words...rather than his mum's words against your words...in front of the relatives.
I think given your MIL's character, I guess your parents also can't help much in this case...since you already mentioned that your MIL never give face to them already during your wedding period...wad makes you think she'll give your parents face when then come down now?
I'd spare your parents the anguish and humiliation which I'm quite sure your MIL is capable of inflicting.
You've already done your best. It's your hubby's turn to do someone for you.
It's like, you fell into the sea and you couldn't swim...so you are yelling out for help. Whereas your hubby, though he can't swim, he can at least try to look for life buoy or get help for you rather than standing at the docks, looking at you screaming for help. Yes, he can't swim, but at least he can try to do something to help...instead of waiting for you to drown.
Which brings us back to reality, yes, your hubby's character is passive..but instead of staying silent and avoiding confrontation, he should try to do something to help situation. Because no one else can do much. Only him.
pinkbuttons, u mention ur mum is nt feeling well...then will staying wif u and putting up ur MIL nonesense and the constant fight wif ur MIL worsen her condition?
as for ur husband, i tink he hv to noe the difference between xiao shun and yu xiao....basically he is nw yu xiao. as for those kpo relatives of his, if he is man enough, he could have shut them off by telling them not to poke their nose in when they do not hv the whole story. also, he it time he stand on his feet to gif his mum a piece of his mind. he shld tell his mum, that if he is really heartless, he wont will hv put her in old folk hm and nt like nw caught in between such fix.
tell ur husband, if he cant stand up and protect u, then he cant blame u or scold u if u protect urself by fighting head on wif ur MIL. i tink it time for u to show hand to ur MIL. sometime, a fierce MIL nid another fierce DIL to teach her a real good lesson. and if those kpo relative dare to come up i tink u shld spare no face liao....anyway, afterall, whether u r a good DIL or nt, u r oredi branded as a bad DIL liao...so y nt juz si bo lian and scold and chase all these people out once and for all....
and if ur husband choose to crawl to his mum out of his yu xiao, i suggest u let him go....such man is nt worth ur effort. but make sure this pair of mother and son pay u back every single cent u hv pay on them! let them suffer finiancially since they ask for it! tink only till then, ur stupid unreasonable MIL will noe wat shit she got her own son into!!!
alternatively, shame her....put ur story in those chinese newspaper....create a big scene, show the reporter those sms she sent u....let the whole singapore judge her!!!
diana, yup, dun think my mum can do much. like me, she's not the confrontational type. she asked me to help her buy plane tickets, but i'm a bit hesitant. my dad is a no-nonsense type of guy & has quite a temper though, so i'm also a bit worried abt that. later he tell my mil to go jump off the roof then how?
pinkbuttons, I hope you aren't so thoughtful. I dun think this is the time to be thoughtful. Just get your parents in the picture. It's your life. If your husband isn't going to stand up for you, your parents should.
pinkbuttons, i think your MIL will be very silly to threaten death when she speaks to your parents. She should know that the trick works only on her son.
I agree with everyone here who has asked you to keep a record of all the money you spent and its high time you stop (announce it to them) and get from your husband his share of the expenses. He will definitely tell your MIL and she can scold you for all she likes but it serves to tell her that the big losers are mother and son.
aw pinkbuttons, if you worry about your mum being unconfrontational and dad's bad temper, and now don't want them to come over, then how come you go and tell them your problem in first place ?? Naturally they will want to come over right ? because you told them you are in trouble.
Now that the damage is done, just go ahead and let your mum come over. Doesn't matter if she keep quiet together with you, at least you will have a shoulder to cry on at night right ? And someone to share the burden. Maybe after all the crying together, both of you might miraculously think of a good plan.
Just take 1 step a time now and see how it developes.
Perhaps you should just install a security camera at your home and record all your MIL's antics and threats (make sure it has audio recording function too). And just conveniently broadcast it to your hubby's relatives one day
since ur MIL is so nasty and alway threaten to kill herself, the nx time she threaten again, y dun u juz open the door and tell her, if she wan to kill herself by all means, but pls do it outside ur hse and dun dirty ur hse!!!
Seriously if you withdraw the financial help you are giving to your MIL and ur hubby, I'm pretty sure it will wake her up a bit. Cos people like her will place high importance of money simply because she is afraid she will be abandoned.
don't think just cos i contribute a lot financially, i deserve respect
Say this in reply:
What if I dun contribute financially. You think your husband can totally support a mother, a wife, house and next time kids? In Singapore, unless he is a very high earner, it is not possible. Every human being deserves some respect and I certainly deserve respect simply because I have been supporting you despite you mistreating me.
I agree with you, if she really jumps, it is her own choice loh.... no one pointed a gun at her to make her jump. Of course, the aftermath will be messy because fingers will always point at the DIL; but they forget that while 1 finger is pointing at others, 4 are pointing at themselves, so who are the real cultprits?
It is true that even if you contribute more financially, it cannot buy you respect. But, your MIL also forgets that respect needs to be earned, it is not by default. Since she commands so much "respect", then respect her wishes that she doesn't like to use your money loh (like the hospital case), and withdraw your financial contribution loh.
I think it's okay to respect elders, but some elders are not deserving of respect. For examples, iressponsible parents are not deserving of respect, parents who emotionally black mail their kids are not deserving of respect.
pinkbuttons... thats THEIR definition... think there's a big problem with their family... why dun get the god-ma to make it clear to the relatives to stop interfering and its your MIL who is creating all those troubles?
relatives and san gu liu po will always gossip and fan rumours, add oil to fire etc. its free and exciting. while you can't stop them, you can certainly ignore them.
While our Asian culture do expect us to respect elders because of their seniority, your MIL has abused it. She's expecting you to worship her. Likewise she abuse the filial piety of your husband and made him her puppet.
Have you booked the air ticket for your mum to fly over?
I agree with Redshoes suggestion - can you please do a simple video install (the pinhole type) so that you can tape down your MIL's unreasonable antics (in public domain, the living room)? I think those can be easily set up if she's not in the house for a while?
That way, if there's any verbal or physical abuse, it's all material evidence for any court submission.
Also with your house, I don't know if you are both listed as tentants in common but make sure you do list your contributions. If you have to hand any more $$ over, please make sure you issue cheques so that you have paper trail as well as keep a log of those contributions.
Honestly, I am glad that your parents are finally told of the situation.
Actually, if your mom isn't in a hurry to go back, I do think you can have your mom stay with you for a while. Maybe she can speak with your MIL and seek some resolution?
i had a somewhat long chat with my mom. some parts i din mention, like the wedding money & jewellery. told her abt the $ for bedroom, & things which my mil & her relatives have been saying...
my mom basically thinks my mil is mentally unstable. she said no normal mother would threaten their children w suicide. by doing so, she said it's obvious that there's something very wrong with her.
anyway, i've booked my mom's plane tickets. she suggested we see how it goes over the next couple of weeks. when she comes, she'll talk to my mil. but personally she feels it may not be a good idea to continue staying w her.
my mom suggested that maybe i shld move out & stay elsewhere, see if my hb will follow. if he doesn't, & chooses to stick w his mom, then fine, clearly we know his decision. worse case we file for divorce. although we don't want to go down this route, but if i'm not a priority in my husband's life then no point to continue together right? anyway, i'll see how things develop as we go along...
surprisingly, my mom was quite open abt this whole divorce thing, which comes as quite a relief to me. usually it's always quite taboo amongst the older generation. guess ultimately the aim is to live happy
not to say that i'm no longer upset. as a matter of fact, my mil just sms me to pay her back another $800 for "her" wedding expenses. she's a complete b***h... pardon my language...
i'm also taking all your advice. if my hb continues to stand on the sidelines, only asking me to be even more accommodative, then what's the point of having a husband in the first place? i'd be better off on my own, and maybe happier too.
i also thought that marriage is for eternity... just starting to accept the possibility that maybe this particular one won't be...
Juz forward the B***h's sms to her GOOD son, that's what i do when i received 'unreasonable demand' sms from my mil. Save it to serve as an evidence which may b useful in future They r forever twisting their words.
i've already let him read it. then last nite my mil told my hb to calculate with me all the expenses involved... make sure we settle all money issues.
unfortunately i never had the habit of keeping all my bank statements / credit card bills only until very recently (after being slapped with reality..). usually i just settle my debts & shred the statements. so now a lot based on memory.
Call up the bank for the statement, settle once and for all. Tell your HB, he has to pay the expenses your MIL incurred while staying with you. At least she has to pay rental for her room right? If she wants to be calculative or aggressive, please don't give in. Ask her to get out if she's not happy and your HB can follow since she is so unhappy to stay with you. Just bring the message across to her, the house belongs to you and you paid for everything. Oh, not to forget you paid for her medical expenses too. I think if you are aggressive and talk to your husband firmly, you can ask him to pack their things and leave by when.
If she bring her relatives to harass you then don't be nice, just call police. You can also call up SinMing or Lianhe WanBao.
Please make sure you cover all grounds, your house, the wedding expenses etc. Better still if you have the receipts. Also, for your house, your CPF statement would be proof of your payment.
For whatever your hubby borrowed and the $$ you passed to your MIL for her hospital and the furniture, renovations etc, write out an IOU statement for your hb to sign. If his MIL wants to settle all the $$ issue once and for all and your hb dares to bring it up, then he better sign and acknowledge those cash he received on behalf of his mother too!
If he wants to create a ruckus, tell him that it's your MIL's wishes to draw all lines on the $$$ clearly, so dun blame you for being heartless. <sheesh!>
i went out with my hubby today, we had a long talk over what's been happening. i know he's really in a very diff position & very upset. i pity him for being so suay as to have her as a mother, really no peace. my mil didn't know we went out together, she called him several times today to check on him to make sure that he's not out with me. when we came home, we had to come back separately or else all hell will break loose.
his mom passed me a $2k cheque to settle her hospital bills. then she insists to my hb that he's been overpaying me (which he didn't even begin to pay yet & he told her so), and not to be so stupid as to continue paying. she said her money will eventually go to him, and his money is going to me. she insists that she's spent a lot of money on him, and insists that he repay her instead of continuing to pay me anything. talk abt two-faced, right? anyway, my hb said he'll settle whatever expenses with me privately, else his mum will throw another ruckus.
this morning she had a talk with my hb, and he said she was crying and saying that i treat her like shit. she suggested that we separate for 3 yrs, if got fate then we get back together, if not then we file for divorce. she asked him to tell me that if i love him, i shld love his mother as well.
i also learnt that she forced my hb to go with her to some lawyer to draw up a will (at her cost). she wanted to make sure that he lists her as the sole beneficiary in case anything happens to him. my hb wasn't happy to do so, but even his relatives called him to make sure that he does as his mum says or else... by not doing so she'll create another scene saying her son not filial...
anyway she said that if my hb dare leave her alone she will enlist help to enforce the Parent Maintenance Act (or something like that) to force him to take care of her. When he told her she doesn't qualify cos she's too young, think min age is 60 plus, she was very upset & said she'll go appeal to some minister.
almost everyday without fail, she'll throw some tantrum, threaten to move out (not that anyone is stopping her), but she doesn't. only talk, no action. everyday my hb is bombarded by phone calls & msgs from her & her relatives. during work, when he says he's too busy to talk, she gets angry & won't hear of it. she just keeps calling & calling until he answers the phone again.
i tell u all, now i truly realise the importance of keeping record of everything. i think now even by posting in this forum, it's a form of recording of events. if one day she creates a public display & informs the newspapers, like the doctor who was reported to have thrown his mum out of the house, at least this forum serves as a summary of the behind-the-scene events. at least u all would know the truth.
even now i kinda wish i could ask Newpaper to read this forum.
now my hb is trying to figure out how he can move out with me, rent a plc elsewhere & let his mum stay at our place.
he told his mum that i'm considering moving out, she said 'Good!' my hb said he defended me, saying that i never said anything nasty to her. she replied saying that i dun need to say a word to get my meaning across. i dun need to say anything & her son is already arguing with her. she said i'm like a dog that bites to kill without making a sound.
i'm so pissed! sorry, ranting again... pls bear with me.