A Place To Vent Anger on Monster In Laws
- Thread starter janicachan
- Start date
I think it is rather sad that these days PIL are considered as monsters. One of these days you will be one also and god forbid if yr kids treats you as one too.
Sometimes i pity the husbands cos imagine marrying someone that treats his parents this way. One of these days, he will regret ever choosing you. A marriage is abt give and take and treating each family member with respect, rather than the easy way out to 'despise' them cos of the generation gap.
My opinion is that the generation gap is generic. There will be one too btw you and yr kids in the future. These days the value of family has changed. It is sad to hear some comments from you gals on the topic. But if u really love yr husband that much, love his parents too.
Sometimes i pity the husbands cos imagine marrying someone that treats his parents this way. One of these days, he will regret ever choosing you. A marriage is abt give and take and treating each family member with respect, rather than the easy way out to 'despise' them cos of the generation gap.
My opinion is that the generation gap is generic. There will be one too btw you and yr kids in the future. These days the value of family has changed. It is sad to hear some comments from you gals on the topic. But if u really love yr husband that much, love his parents too.
hi kent & lois lane (clark),
I think you are speaking from a guy point of view... we gals here are merely venting our frustration and i find there is nothing wrong with it....
maybe you have neber encounter such monsters in ur life.... you have a charmed life lor...
But NOT every PIL are as good ok... if the husband regret marrying someone who treat their parents tt way... why dun we tink tt its the wife regretting to marrying into the family...
I think you are speaking from a guy point of view... we gals here are merely venting our frustration and i find there is nothing wrong with it....
maybe you have neber encounter such monsters in ur life.... you have a charmed life lor...
But NOT every PIL are as good ok... if the husband regret marrying someone who treat their parents tt way... why dun we tink tt its the wife regretting to marrying into the family...
Clark,
I believe that you have understood the comments here in a very surface level. Please allow me to elaborate.
In my religion, we believe that the couple should "leave" their parents to become united as one and start their own family. The idea of leaving is not to totally cut off all ties but to realise that a new family neucles involving only the couple should be formed. This new neucles should still have ties with the PILs but the PILs should not be stuck in between the couple. This applies to both side parents.
The problem that many of the brides/bride-to-bes here face is that the MIL is forcing her way into the new family neucles because she cannot accept that her son's life does not revolve around her but has changed to revolve around another woman. Because of this, the MIL will try to regain control by edging out the DIL. This often starts to take place after the wedding because it will really sink in then that the son is the husband of someone already and not her little boy anymore. He is part of "Mr & Mrs So-and-so" and not "baby of Mrs La-and-la" anymore.
The men often to realise this because the MIL cannot opening say "get out, I'm the queen here. I'm the most important woman in my son's life" when her son is around but has to get her message across to the DIL in subtle ways.
On the topic of kids. Every mother wants the best for their kids and are extremely protective. They will not dare to risk anything when it comes to their children. Hence, they will definitely be afraid of any superstitions, etc that in their opinion, may cause the child more harm then good. In addition, they are the ones who carried the child for 10 mths, how can they accept it if someone "takes over" the child the moment they are born? (This is something like how the MIL feels when the son is married but a lot more justified cos the child is still an infant and not an adult, not due to leave her yet). There are many MILs who DO NOT allow their DILs to even carry, feed or look after their baby. The baby is the PIL's grandchild but not the mother's child. This is why the mothers have to react.
Personally, why i would not want to let my PILs look after my bb in future is this:
1. I do not want my child to be exposed to gambling, drinking, etc as an infant/child.
2. I do not want my child to be starved when they are ill because of superstitions/beliefs that a sick person cannot eat. Not even plain porriage. He/she has to survive on plain water. (This was what I witnessed happening to my FH when he was sick)
3. I do not want my child to be kept at home at a time when he is so ill that he should be hospitalised just because hospitals are expensive. (My FH had high fever of > 40 degress for 5 consecutive days. He was diagnosed have dengue fever after blood tests and was adviced to be warded immediately because his condition was a bit dangerous - may get stroke. But he was almost prevented from going to the hospital because it was expensive.)
4. I don't want my children to have to drink/bathe in any ashes of charms.
Just my 2 cents.
I believe that you have understood the comments here in a very surface level. Please allow me to elaborate.
In my religion, we believe that the couple should "leave" their parents to become united as one and start their own family. The idea of leaving is not to totally cut off all ties but to realise that a new family neucles involving only the couple should be formed. This new neucles should still have ties with the PILs but the PILs should not be stuck in between the couple. This applies to both side parents.
The problem that many of the brides/bride-to-bes here face is that the MIL is forcing her way into the new family neucles because she cannot accept that her son's life does not revolve around her but has changed to revolve around another woman. Because of this, the MIL will try to regain control by edging out the DIL. This often starts to take place after the wedding because it will really sink in then that the son is the husband of someone already and not her little boy anymore. He is part of "Mr & Mrs So-and-so" and not "baby of Mrs La-and-la" anymore.
The men often to realise this because the MIL cannot opening say "get out, I'm the queen here. I'm the most important woman in my son's life" when her son is around but has to get her message across to the DIL in subtle ways.
On the topic of kids. Every mother wants the best for their kids and are extremely protective. They will not dare to risk anything when it comes to their children. Hence, they will definitely be afraid of any superstitions, etc that in their opinion, may cause the child more harm then good. In addition, they are the ones who carried the child for 10 mths, how can they accept it if someone "takes over" the child the moment they are born? (This is something like how the MIL feels when the son is married but a lot more justified cos the child is still an infant and not an adult, not due to leave her yet). There are many MILs who DO NOT allow their DILs to even carry, feed or look after their baby. The baby is the PIL's grandchild but not the mother's child. This is why the mothers have to react.
Personally, why i would not want to let my PILs look after my bb in future is this:
1. I do not want my child to be exposed to gambling, drinking, etc as an infant/child.
2. I do not want my child to be starved when they are ill because of superstitions/beliefs that a sick person cannot eat. Not even plain porriage. He/she has to survive on plain water. (This was what I witnessed happening to my FH when he was sick)
3. I do not want my child to be kept at home at a time when he is so ill that he should be hospitalised just because hospitals are expensive. (My FH had high fever of > 40 degress for 5 consecutive days. He was diagnosed have dengue fever after blood tests and was adviced to be warded immediately because his condition was a bit dangerous - may get stroke. But he was almost prevented from going to the hospital because it was expensive.)
4. I don't want my children to have to drink/bathe in any ashes of charms.
Just my 2 cents.
I feel it's not only the parents of the sons who may have problems letting go of their sons, it's also the parents of the daughters who may have problems letting go. But perhaps cos daughters are more thoughtful than sons, it is easier for daughters/wifes to bridge the gap between their parents and the husbands.
I think whenever there are problems with in-laws, the son/daugher should step in and attempt to resolve issues amicably.
I think whenever there are problems with in-laws, the son/daugher should step in and attempt to resolve issues amicably.
Hi Fifi, I agree with you that parents must be the primary caregiver or decision maker for the welfare of their own children - not grandparents. Most things the older generation do boils down to superstition, and we can try to avoid. But where it is beneficial or no harm to our children, perhaps we can try to "give in".
My grandparents believed that when I had the flu I should not eat chicken. When I have cough, I should not eat oranges. My parents gave in to their "beliefs". When I had flu, I ate other meats like pork and fish. When I coughed, I ate other fruits which were less acidic.
Thankfully my grandparents never made me drink any charm water.
My grandparents believed that when I had the flu I should not eat chicken. When I have cough, I should not eat oranges. My parents gave in to their "beliefs". When I had flu, I ate other meats like pork and fish. When I coughed, I ate other fruits which were less acidic.
Thankfully my grandparents never made me drink any charm water.
Anyway, clark, the DILs here don't "despise" the PILs cos of the generation gap. That's no reason to "despise" anyone. Many just have a hard time treating their PILs nicely because the PILs treat them in a "monster" way.
If the husband wants to regret marrying someone who cannot be so nice to his parents, he should also consider why did he marry someone and let her suffer the torture of being treated in a monster way by his parents.
If the husband wants to regret marrying someone who cannot be so nice to his parents, he should also consider why did he marry someone and let her suffer the torture of being treated in a monster way by his parents.
Hi Clark, whilst I believe that most PILs love their own children and grandchildren, there are some PILs who purposely "spoil" their grandkids rotten.. so as to have their grandkids "love them" when they are "alive"... these PILs are aware that the grandkids may turn into brats when they are older from all the pampering but they persist.
Let me give you an example -
My cousin's grandmother refused to do schoolwork. She is 8 this year. Her grandmother told her not to do schoolwork cos schoolwork is too difficult, and gals only need to be good in housework and look pretty. She had told the school teacher that her grandmother will "scold" the school teacher if the school teacher punished her for not doing schoolwork. Note - her grandmother was previously a secondary school teacher before she retired. Her grandmother brings her to movies and to playground. I think that's a bad example. Her parents have problems controlling her now. Grandmother stays with her.
Another old lady refuses to move out of her son's condominnium because she wants her NRIC to reflect a Private Address. She shares a bedroom with her son's youngest child - a daughter. The gal is 16 years old now. From baby to now, the gal has only slept on a thin foam mattress because her mother (the old lady's DIL) refused to renovate or buy a bed for the daughter as it would mean she woudl have to buy a bed for her MIL (the old lady). This 16 year old suffers from inferiority complex and she feels her parents dote on her older brother more - older brother takes another bedroom which is well renovated with a bed and study table.
Let me give you an example -
My cousin's grandmother refused to do schoolwork. She is 8 this year. Her grandmother told her not to do schoolwork cos schoolwork is too difficult, and gals only need to be good in housework and look pretty. She had told the school teacher that her grandmother will "scold" the school teacher if the school teacher punished her for not doing schoolwork. Note - her grandmother was previously a secondary school teacher before she retired. Her grandmother brings her to movies and to playground. I think that's a bad example. Her parents have problems controlling her now. Grandmother stays with her.
Another old lady refuses to move out of her son's condominnium because she wants her NRIC to reflect a Private Address. She shares a bedroom with her son's youngest child - a daughter. The gal is 16 years old now. From baby to now, the gal has only slept on a thin foam mattress because her mother (the old lady's DIL) refused to renovate or buy a bed for the daughter as it would mean she woudl have to buy a bed for her MIL (the old lady). This 16 year old suffers from inferiority complex and she feels her parents dote on her older brother more - older brother takes another bedroom which is well renovated with a bed and study table.
Cactus, that's why I say it applies both ways. It may not be PILs vs DIL. It can also be PILs vs SIL.
For eg. there are also PILs who refuse to let their SILs look after his own child.
I will agree follow beliefs that may be beneficial. My grandma also passed some of her beliefs to me, like the oranges and cough. Those are definely ok to follow cos it's only a small sacrifice to get well. But defintely not deprive my child of any food (totally cannot eat anything) when they are sick (even if it's an extended period like >3 days). No nourishment at all how to get well. I will get a malnourished child if I follow that.
For eg. there are also PILs who refuse to let their SILs look after his own child.
I will agree follow beliefs that may be beneficial. My grandma also passed some of her beliefs to me, like the oranges and cough. Those are definely ok to follow cos it's only a small sacrifice to get well. But defintely not deprive my child of any food (totally cannot eat anything) when they are sick (even if it's an extended period like >3 days). No nourishment at all how to get well. I will get a malnourished child if I follow that.
janicachan
New Member
i agree that as long as old folk's beliefs r not harmful or unhygenic, we may give in. like my mil try to force me to drink charm water before we take off for a tour. my hb drank but i didnt. coz i dun hv the same belief as my mil. my mil is not happy w/ me. i think we shd respect each other religion. like me, i dun stop my hb fr drinkg it coz he only drink one sip. dats not that harmful i think. furthermore he has the same belief as his mum.
for baby caring and discipline issue. i think it is better to leave it w/ the bb's mother. i think ILs jz hv to play w/ the bb will do. i will get mad if my IL instruct me or teach me how to take care of the bb, or stop me fr punishing the bb. i think IL always trying v hard to show their status that they r still v impt in his sons life but trying to interfering w/ the couple's life which i find it not v healthy.
for baby caring and discipline issue. i think it is better to leave it w/ the bb's mother. i think ILs jz hv to play w/ the bb will do. i will get mad if my IL instruct me or teach me how to take care of the bb, or stop me fr punishing the bb. i think IL always trying v hard to show their status that they r still v impt in his sons life but trying to interfering w/ the couple's life which i find it not v healthy.
Yup... I think PILs just play with baby. If PILs can take instructions from baby's parents, then PILs can take care when parents are not able to... I rather trust my ILs/parents with my kids than a maid, but my ILs/parents must listen to me and my husband when it comes to disciplining. My mom used to draw up a "timetable" for me which included bathe times/meal times/play times/nap times. My grandma followed strictly.
Reading this thread really open my eyes to MIL. I am not married but intending to. My bf is already telling me he wanted to purchase a resale flat near his parents, if it is the same block, better still..so i sarcastically say, better if it is above, below or next door, easier for ur mom to shout across..haha..
He wanted to give the hs key to his mom which I said NO..but he said his mom will not disturb us, which I seriously doubt so..
He also said our future baby will be taken care by his mom which I said NO as well.. but he said his mom is willing to take care but I am not willing
I can foresee many problems in the future. Guess I will have to set the ground rules right first..
He wanted to give the hs key to his mom which I said NO..but he said his mom will not disturb us, which I seriously doubt so..
He also said our future baby will be taken care by his mom which I said NO as well.. but he said his mom is willing to take care but I am not willing
I can foresee many problems in the future. Guess I will have to set the ground rules right first..
pinkhippo2002
New Member
if you don't want in-laws to take care of children
then who do you have in mind?
quit to be a stay at home mom? send to infant care? your own parents to help out?
then who do you have in mind?
quit to be a stay at home mom? send to infant care? your own parents to help out?
pinkbuttons
New Member
let me tell you my problems with my MIL... it's rather long, but please bear with me.
my hubby & i had been dating for abt 5 yrs before our wedding. i knew his mum didn't exactly love me, but always treated me politely in front of her son or in front of my parents.
a lot of our wedding plans revolved around my MIL from the very beginning.
as my hubby & i started working not long ago, we had initially planned for a simple wedding with our close friends & family. i had wanted just a simple church ceremony, with a reception thereafter - no wedding banquet.
but when my hubby's mom found out, she sat me down & said that we cannot get married in church (she's Buddhist), that we shld hold a wedding banquet instead & threatened her son that she would commit suicide if we hold in church. we told her we didn't want to spend so much money on a chinese banquet, but at that time she offered to sponsor the dinner if we agree to go along. so fine, we compromised on that...
my hubby & i had bought our place, and his mum had sold her place to move in to stay with us. my parents stay abroad, so just before the wedding, i moved to our new house first, and some of my overseas relatives flew in to Singapore to attend our wedding. since there were a few of them, they all stayed at our new place.
my MIL made them feel very unwelcome - making snide remarks that my relatives were staying at her house, implying that they shouldn't be there. to the extent that my mom pulled me to one side, & asked if it was true that the house belonged to her, and not to me & my hubby as she was implying?
i was angry at my MIL's attitude, but resisted confronting her, as i didn't want things to get ugly. my parents were simmering inside, but also resisted replying to her snide comments. then i heard from my hubby that my MIL was telling all her relatives that my parents & family were very snobbish! (excuse me????)
fast fwd to the 2 days before our wedding... it had became clear that she was not going to contributing any financial assistance towards the dinner expenses, me & my hubby had already planned to foot the bill ourselves. I didn't tell my parents, as my MIL had initially told them that the groom's side would pay for the dinner. I didn't tell my parents that i had been the one who placed a rather large deposit for the banquet bookings much earlier at my MIL's insistance. I thought, at the very least, i would save my MIL a little bit of face, and save my parents from any worries.
then came the surprise, at the end of the dinner, my MIL asked my hubby's uncle to help her pay for the dinner first, to be repaid later. that evening we counted out the ang pow money, relieved that it was sufficient to pay back my hubby's uncle.
early the next day, my MIL then came to claim all the ang pow money, not leaving a single cent for us, telling my hubby that she would repay his uncle with the ang pow money (which is fair) but the excess was for misc expenses which she wouldn't specify. (she did not return any of the excess to me to recuperate the deposit that i had paid earlier, even though my hubby had requested for her to do so.)
when my hubby asked her what expenses were for, she became very upset, and snapped at him saying that he shouldn't be so calculative towards her. over on top of that, she told my hubby that she also 'borrowed' money from his uncle for other unmentionable expenses, totalling about $3k, which my hubby is expected to repay. similarly, when questioned on what sort of expenses, she was very upset & wouldn't answer.
one week after our wedding, other issues cropped up. my MIL suddenly claimed that she spent over $10k helping us with our house reno, (which she didn't, because we only did minimal works to the house, & i had paid for it!). again when questioned on how she arrived at the excessive amount, she snapped & said not everything can be quantified.
next, she asked my hubby to 'inform' me that the flat belongs to her, even though my hubby & i are the owners & we are paying for the flat. she wants me to acknowledge her as the woman of the house, and she said she wants to make it clear that the flat is hers.
i tell you, this is only the beginning of a nightmare. my hubby is stuck with trying to be a filial son, but at the same time he can recognize that his mum is being very unreasonable, to the point of being excessive.
if she is rebuked, she threatens that she will jump out of the window. none of his relatives can or will help, because in their eyes, she's just a harmless lady who makes herself out to be a victim of a new DIL. (For the record, I have never raised my voice at her, no matter how unreasonable she is. Though, i can't guarantee that it won't come to that...)
sigh... i need strength...
my hubby & i had been dating for abt 5 yrs before our wedding. i knew his mum didn't exactly love me, but always treated me politely in front of her son or in front of my parents.
a lot of our wedding plans revolved around my MIL from the very beginning.
as my hubby & i started working not long ago, we had initially planned for a simple wedding with our close friends & family. i had wanted just a simple church ceremony, with a reception thereafter - no wedding banquet.
but when my hubby's mom found out, she sat me down & said that we cannot get married in church (she's Buddhist), that we shld hold a wedding banquet instead & threatened her son that she would commit suicide if we hold in church. we told her we didn't want to spend so much money on a chinese banquet, but at that time she offered to sponsor the dinner if we agree to go along. so fine, we compromised on that...
my hubby & i had bought our place, and his mum had sold her place to move in to stay with us. my parents stay abroad, so just before the wedding, i moved to our new house first, and some of my overseas relatives flew in to Singapore to attend our wedding. since there were a few of them, they all stayed at our new place.
my MIL made them feel very unwelcome - making snide remarks that my relatives were staying at her house, implying that they shouldn't be there. to the extent that my mom pulled me to one side, & asked if it was true that the house belonged to her, and not to me & my hubby as she was implying?
i was angry at my MIL's attitude, but resisted confronting her, as i didn't want things to get ugly. my parents were simmering inside, but also resisted replying to her snide comments. then i heard from my hubby that my MIL was telling all her relatives that my parents & family were very snobbish! (excuse me????)
fast fwd to the 2 days before our wedding... it had became clear that she was not going to contributing any financial assistance towards the dinner expenses, me & my hubby had already planned to foot the bill ourselves. I didn't tell my parents, as my MIL had initially told them that the groom's side would pay for the dinner. I didn't tell my parents that i had been the one who placed a rather large deposit for the banquet bookings much earlier at my MIL's insistance. I thought, at the very least, i would save my MIL a little bit of face, and save my parents from any worries.
then came the surprise, at the end of the dinner, my MIL asked my hubby's uncle to help her pay for the dinner first, to be repaid later. that evening we counted out the ang pow money, relieved that it was sufficient to pay back my hubby's uncle.
early the next day, my MIL then came to claim all the ang pow money, not leaving a single cent for us, telling my hubby that she would repay his uncle with the ang pow money (which is fair) but the excess was for misc expenses which she wouldn't specify. (she did not return any of the excess to me to recuperate the deposit that i had paid earlier, even though my hubby had requested for her to do so.)
when my hubby asked her what expenses were for, she became very upset, and snapped at him saying that he shouldn't be so calculative towards her. over on top of that, she told my hubby that she also 'borrowed' money from his uncle for other unmentionable expenses, totalling about $3k, which my hubby is expected to repay. similarly, when questioned on what sort of expenses, she was very upset & wouldn't answer.
one week after our wedding, other issues cropped up. my MIL suddenly claimed that she spent over $10k helping us with our house reno, (which she didn't, because we only did minimal works to the house, & i had paid for it!). again when questioned on how she arrived at the excessive amount, she snapped & said not everything can be quantified.
next, she asked my hubby to 'inform' me that the flat belongs to her, even though my hubby & i are the owners & we are paying for the flat. she wants me to acknowledge her as the woman of the house, and she said she wants to make it clear that the flat is hers.
i tell you, this is only the beginning of a nightmare. my hubby is stuck with trying to be a filial son, but at the same time he can recognize that his mum is being very unreasonable, to the point of being excessive.
if she is rebuked, she threatens that she will jump out of the window. none of his relatives can or will help, because in their eyes, she's just a harmless lady who makes herself out to be a victim of a new DIL. (For the record, I have never raised my voice at her, no matter how unreasonable she is. Though, i can't guarantee that it won't come to that...)
sigh... i need strength...
Hi Hippo2002
I m not sure yet..mabbe hire a maid or a nanny will be better.
His mom will be old by the time I wanna give birth..I doubt she will be able to take care of an infant.
Hi pinkbuttons.. I am sorry to hear ur plight. Look @ the bright side, at least ur hubby is not siding his mom all the time. I can't advise on what you shuld do with your MIL cos if I were in your shoes, I will also dunno wat to do.. but I will definitely tell my mom..hehe
I m not sure yet..mabbe hire a maid or a nanny will be better.
His mom will be old by the time I wanna give birth..I doubt she will be able to take care of an infant.
Hi pinkbuttons.. I am sorry to hear ur plight. Look @ the bright side, at least ur hubby is not siding his mom all the time. I can't advise on what you shuld do with your MIL cos if I were in your shoes, I will also dunno wat to do.. but I will definitely tell my mom..hehe
Hi Lingztanz, I think it's best not to say no to your husband now or set ground rules. It's better to keep an open mind about things. Just try to agree that you and your husband will make arrangements for your kids when the time comes for the best of your kids and you and your husband. Sometimes we never know what may happen. Our own mothers may be inpoor health, nannies or maids may still need someone to supervise... etc.
Hi cactus..thanks for the advise.
I at times also try to be more open minded. Today his bro ask me whether his mom's cooking is bad..cos he said i never eat at their place before..haha..it made me feel bad.
Hence, I must change!! I do not want to be an evil DIL in future..must respect the old!
I at times also try to be more open minded. Today his bro ask me whether his mom's cooking is bad..cos he said i never eat at their place before..haha..it made me feel bad.
Hence, I must change!! I do not want to be an evil DIL in future..must respect the old!
Hi lingztanz, actually, as long as you focus on your husband and your own marriage, everything else comes second - including "evil" MILs. Just give and take. I make it a point to buy food stuff for my ILs about once a month. Even when I don't viist them, I ask my husband to bring food stuff back home (we live apart cos no AD yet). But when my ILs make unreasonable demands, I am very frank with my husband. It's a give and take. Honestly, our mothers may not be "angels" too. It's just that being their daughters, we believe they are angels. : )
pinkbuttons
New Member
thanks cactus & jcys.
i agree that she's trying all she can to control her son financially.
my hubby has lately been trying to get me to submit to her just so that we can a bit of peace. but each time i think of how rudely she's treated me & my family, my blood just starts to boil.
i've agreed to be cordial, but that's all i'm willing to do right now.
i agree that she's trying all she can to control her son financially.
my hubby has lately been trying to get me to submit to her just so that we can a bit of peace. but each time i think of how rudely she's treated me & my family, my blood just starts to boil.
i've agreed to be cordial, but that's all i'm willing to do right now.
Hi pinkbuttons,
I really sympathise with you. I agree with cactus on concentrating on your husband and your own marriage. I guess it's more important that your husband also recognise that your MIL is being unreasonable etc. One of my aunt and uncle face similiar problems. My uncle's mother is completely unreasonable. I've heard my aunt complain about her numerous times (I'm very close to my aunt's family), and I really feel for her.
Luckily, my uncle stood by her, and although he's a filial son, had at times talked back to his mother in defense of my aunt. But my uncle and aunt are still very filial and give in to her a lot. Even with a bad MIL, my aunt and my uncle's r/s actually grew very strong because they stood by each other.
They have been married for 16 years now, with 3 kids. Very loving couple, partly due to the storms they have braved through together as a couple.
Then again, they do not live with his mother, so I guess pinkbuttons' problem is really much tougher.
I really sympathise with you. I agree with cactus on concentrating on your husband and your own marriage. I guess it's more important that your husband also recognise that your MIL is being unreasonable etc. One of my aunt and uncle face similiar problems. My uncle's mother is completely unreasonable. I've heard my aunt complain about her numerous times (I'm very close to my aunt's family), and I really feel for her.
Luckily, my uncle stood by her, and although he's a filial son, had at times talked back to his mother in defense of my aunt. But my uncle and aunt are still very filial and give in to her a lot. Even with a bad MIL, my aunt and my uncle's r/s actually grew very strong because they stood by each other.
They have been married for 16 years now, with 3 kids. Very loving couple, partly due to the storms they have braved through together as a couple.
Then again, they do not live with his mother, so I guess pinkbuttons' problem is really much tougher.
janicachan
New Member
recently my mil urge us to gv her a grandchild. i hv been married w/ her son for 2 yrs n we r yet to hv any plan for babies.
my mil everytime see us will ask us why n when gv her a grandson. esp these few mths. kept on asking till i sian oredi. she said this yr is yr of the pig so good to have babies this yr.
i dun want to upset her by telling her we do not hv plan yet. so i will jz answer her ok ok. then turn away.
my hb is equally sian abt her mother persistence.
i think having children is so private issue b/w a couple. y mils so kancheong of having one? (she oredi hs one grandchild fr her daughter)
then somemore she suggest i go see doc y i married 2 yrs still dun hv baby. i am quite sad when she said that. i think she implys that i am unable to conceive.
my mil everytime see us will ask us why n when gv her a grandson. esp these few mths. kept on asking till i sian oredi. she said this yr is yr of the pig so good to have babies this yr.
i dun want to upset her by telling her we do not hv plan yet. so i will jz answer her ok ok. then turn away.
my hb is equally sian abt her mother persistence.
i think having children is so private issue b/w a couple. y mils so kancheong of having one? (she oredi hs one grandchild fr her daughter)
then somemore she suggest i go see doc y i married 2 yrs still dun hv baby. i am quite sad when she said that. i think she implys that i am unable to conceive.
HI Janica, I have a grand uncle (on my hb's side) who will also ask me the same qn every yr, until I really dread visiting during CNY. At least my MIL never dares to ask me that in my face. I think she asked my hb before, but he just reply that we're not ready yet. I think your hb should help by telling his mum tactfully that you guys are not yet ready. You dun have to reply her anything... let your hb do the talking (of coz you must discuss this w him beforehand).
janicachan
New Member
my hb will never say such thg to his mum. he is a super mamaboy. he n his sister will not dare to say one word negative to wat their mum says. so, both of us feel sian even visiting her nowadays.
cny is round the corner n i bet we will hear more qtns fr her.
one time she kept talking this topic non stop for 30 mins n i really wanna shot her back. " this kind of thing we will deal w/ it, no need u to worry." but i too timid to say out lah.
cny is round the corner n i bet we will hear more qtns fr her.
one time she kept talking this topic non stop for 30 mins n i really wanna shot her back. " this kind of thing we will deal w/ it, no need u to worry." but i too timid to say out lah.
Not really a monster, and not my in-law yet... but I cannot tahan that she lets the little boy (her grandson) eats all sorts of junk and crap! He's still too young! And he's getting sick etc.
My FH told me they can't help it cos he'd cry nonstop if he wanted them and they won't buy. But in the first place he's too pampered and they should let him eat junk food and drink canned drinks in the first place!!!
My opinion is that kids at tender age should be fed proper food and not junk... which is very unhealthy for their body! Also, once started, they'll get addicted to junk food and will always want to eat, and skip the usual meals instead... like this little boy's elder bro now! It's so terrible!!!
My parents never buy any junk food for me when I was younger and so I never get addicted or overly fascinated by junk. But when kids eat them everyday, chips and sweets and ice creams and sweetened drinks from morning till night, it kinda scare me a lot! How healthy will these kids be when they grow up?
Their tender organs are not developed enough to handle so much sugar, salt and MSG etc. It's very detrimental for health! Some of my friends also won't allow their kids to eat snacks or junk food as they are concerned of their kids' health and overall wellbeing. Afterall we want the best for our own kids!
I really worry that one day we'd have conflicts when she had to take care of my kids in future. Firstly I didn't have a choice but move in with my PILs once married over, secondly I'm working so they'd be the ones looking after my kids in future.
My parents have volunteered to do the work and I know they can do it well... we were brought up well and they've been babysitting too. Everyone can trust them kids with their kids and even trust me with them, since I was younger and helped babysitting. I've neighbours who leave their enfants or toddlers with me when I was only a teenager, while my parents aren't in, and they need to go about doing other things.
I always have a thing for communicating with kids and they love me too~ I believe I can make a very good mother and I won't want my PILs to interfere with the way I bring up my kids!!!
And it's quite impossible for me to bring my kids to my parents place in future as my parents stay in the west while my FH stays in the east. Furthermore my PILs will not be happy if I bring their grandkids away from them even when they are at home to take care of them.
I know it's too long from now, but I'm already so vexed by them! Everytime I see them feed the kid with so much junk food or unhealthy high cholestrol food, I feel like screaming!!!
And I'm not even a health freak! I eat junk food and fried stuff too... but I think kids at 2 or 3 shouldn't be touching them yet and I'll abstain from eating such stuff as long as I've kids around. I won't want them to get addicted and think that we are torturing them when we don't allow them to have their junk. I'd rather not start having them eat such nasty junks in the first place.
I know they'd come across junk later in life when they start schooling, but I think by then it's a good time to learn already. And they are better developed and can control better. Most importantly, they are used to having proper meals and not treating junks as stomach fillers!
Gosh, I'm getting really upset over something that might take years to come. What's wrong with me?? Haha going quite bonkers over something that no one knows if will even happen or not. Goodness gracious. Please pardon my long and whiny post. And thank you if you are still reading till this very last word.
My FH told me they can't help it cos he'd cry nonstop if he wanted them and they won't buy. But in the first place he's too pampered and they should let him eat junk food and drink canned drinks in the first place!!!
My opinion is that kids at tender age should be fed proper food and not junk... which is very unhealthy for their body! Also, once started, they'll get addicted to junk food and will always want to eat, and skip the usual meals instead... like this little boy's elder bro now! It's so terrible!!!
My parents never buy any junk food for me when I was younger and so I never get addicted or overly fascinated by junk. But when kids eat them everyday, chips and sweets and ice creams and sweetened drinks from morning till night, it kinda scare me a lot! How healthy will these kids be when they grow up?
Their tender organs are not developed enough to handle so much sugar, salt and MSG etc. It's very detrimental for health! Some of my friends also won't allow their kids to eat snacks or junk food as they are concerned of their kids' health and overall wellbeing. Afterall we want the best for our own kids!
I really worry that one day we'd have conflicts when she had to take care of my kids in future. Firstly I didn't have a choice but move in with my PILs once married over, secondly I'm working so they'd be the ones looking after my kids in future.
My parents have volunteered to do the work and I know they can do it well... we were brought up well and they've been babysitting too. Everyone can trust them kids with their kids and even trust me with them, since I was younger and helped babysitting. I've neighbours who leave their enfants or toddlers with me when I was only a teenager, while my parents aren't in, and they need to go about doing other things.
I always have a thing for communicating with kids and they love me too~ I believe I can make a very good mother and I won't want my PILs to interfere with the way I bring up my kids!!!
And it's quite impossible for me to bring my kids to my parents place in future as my parents stay in the west while my FH stays in the east. Furthermore my PILs will not be happy if I bring their grandkids away from them even when they are at home to take care of them.
I know it's too long from now, but I'm already so vexed by them! Everytime I see them feed the kid with so much junk food or unhealthy high cholestrol food, I feel like screaming!!!
And I'm not even a health freak! I eat junk food and fried stuff too... but I think kids at 2 or 3 shouldn't be touching them yet and I'll abstain from eating such stuff as long as I've kids around. I won't want them to get addicted and think that we are torturing them when we don't allow them to have their junk. I'd rather not start having them eat such nasty junks in the first place.
I know they'd come across junk later in life when they start schooling, but I think by then it's a good time to learn already. And they are better developed and can control better. Most importantly, they are used to having proper meals and not treating junks as stomach fillers!
Gosh, I'm getting really upset over something that might take years to come. What's wrong with me?? Haha going quite bonkers over something that no one knows if will even happen or not. Goodness gracious. Please pardon my long and whiny post. And thank you if you are still reading till this very last word.
HI 123, relax lah... you're getting all worked up for nothing
I think your FILs will accommodate your diet plan for your future kids if you tell them nicely. I mean, kids will be kids lor. I remember last time I used to go home everyday to a pack of KaKa or Xiao Ding Dang which my granny will faithfully buy for me! 
Anyway, as my hb likes to say, it's the parents' job to watch out for the kids and the grandparents' job to pamper and indulge them. If you're very concerned, should get your FH to tell the boy's parents instead.
Anyway, as my hb likes to say, it's the parents' job to watch out for the kids and the grandparents' job to pamper and indulge them. If you're very concerned, should get your FH to tell the boy's parents instead.Thanks G~gal (goooogal)!!!
I've always wish that I can be a full time stay-at-home-mum... and take care of my own kids myself and in my own ways. But I doubt it's possible with lots of financial commitments and responsibilities like his car, his flat, his parents, my parents, and later on our kids, etc... think already also headache. *sigh*
Wish this wish that also no use. Some wishes are just not meant to come true. =(
I've always wish that I can be a full time stay-at-home-mum... and take care of my own kids myself and in my own ways. But I doubt it's possible with lots of financial commitments and responsibilities like his car, his flat, his parents, my parents, and later on our kids, etc... think already also headache. *sigh*
Wish this wish that also no use. Some wishes are just not meant to come true. =(
123,
Sometimes it just requires some planning and perhaps temporary sacrifice. For example, does your FH really need a car? My GF and I don't plan to buy a car within the next 10 years unless the need really arises. We still feel that public transport is good enough, and taking taxi is still not as expensive as owning a car. We'll rather invest the extra money for future use.
About wishes and dreams coming true, I think powder would have a lot to say about it.
Seems like there's a trend of girls hoping to be SAHMs nowadays again! There was a time when girls want to be SAHMs. Then the time came when girls wanted to carve a career. But now, when I ask my female friends, a lot of them hope to be SAHMs!
Anyway, back to the topic of MILs, I agree with G-gal that chances are that if you talk to ur PILs nicely, it shouldn't be much of a problem with them accommodating your diet plan. It's very normal for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren if the parents don't intervene. So maybe the kids' parents aren't intervening enough to keep your future PILs in check.
From what I hear and see of my uncles, aunts, whoever (with 35 younger cousins and 11 uncles and aunts on my mother's side, I hear and see a lot of cases), usually the grandparents will listen to the kids' parents on the kids' diet, even though at first the grandparents spoil the kids. Unless, of course, they are monsters in laws.
Sometimes it just requires some planning and perhaps temporary sacrifice. For example, does your FH really need a car? My GF and I don't plan to buy a car within the next 10 years unless the need really arises. We still feel that public transport is good enough, and taking taxi is still not as expensive as owning a car. We'll rather invest the extra money for future use.
About wishes and dreams coming true, I think powder would have a lot to say about it.
Seems like there's a trend of girls hoping to be SAHMs nowadays again! There was a time when girls want to be SAHMs. Then the time came when girls wanted to carve a career. But now, when I ask my female friends, a lot of them hope to be SAHMs!
Anyway, back to the topic of MILs, I agree with G-gal that chances are that if you talk to ur PILs nicely, it shouldn't be much of a problem with them accommodating your diet plan. It's very normal for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren if the parents don't intervene. So maybe the kids' parents aren't intervening enough to keep your future PILs in check.
From what I hear and see of my uncles, aunts, whoever (with 35 younger cousins and 11 uncles and aunts on my mother's side, I hear and see a lot of cases), usually the grandparents will listen to the kids' parents on the kids' diet, even though at first the grandparents spoil the kids. Unless, of course, they are monsters in laws.
pinkbuttons
New Member
hi, sorry... i need to vent again.
last nite was a showdown between my mil and me. since the wedding i've been trying to keep to myself. the less said, the less conflicts right? guess not.. (fyi, note that i'm not the confrontational type, my colleagues say i'm a rabbit, easily bullied).
anyway, if you read my previous post, there was a lot of hostility brewing among my family & my hubb's family during the few days before the wedding.
apparently my mil has been saying bad things behind my back to all her relatives, acting like i have been mistreating her. i never once raised my voice to her, until last nite, when she confronted me. i admit that i tried to keep out of her way since getting married, but what's wrong with that?
i also found out fr my hubby that my mil had been going to hdb, to see if she can add her name to the flat, which my hubby & i co-own. i was pleased to hear that the hdb officer told her off, saying that she would need to seek our permission before doing so, not like she can add as she likes. needless to say, my mil was very upset to hear that.
furthermore, some things which i had complained about her to my husband, he had let his mom know even when i had told him to keep it confidential. so that apparently added to her anger.
i'm also so disappointed with my hubby for telling his mum that i thought she was unreasonable. he's supposed to be the one creating peace, not stirring more trouble.
my mil also scolded me last nite, saying that if i didn't want to stay with her after marriage, i shld've told her earlier. i angrily told her that i had told her son more than a yr ago before we got married that i didn't want to stay with her, but she wanted to stay with us, so what can we say? to turn her away would be unfilial, and now by letting her stay she's ruining my life & my marriage.
she had pretended to be sick shortly after we got married, and was rushed to the hospital. the doctor said there was nothing wrong with her physically (the doc had suggested a counsellor instead), but she wanted to stay in the hospital for 2 days to run a series of test, incl brain scan. my hubby couldn't afford the bills, so i had foot the bill instead.
so last nite angrily i told her if i had been mistreating her i wouldn't even bother to pay her hospital bills. she didn; know that i knew the doc thought she was a bit unstable.
last nite after being confronted by my mil, i asked my hubby if i were to move out, would he move with me? my solution was simple, so many conflicts by staying together, at most we let his mum stay in our flat, then we rent a plc elswhere.
my hubby said he can;t leave his mum to stay alone (pls note she's only 52, physically tip-top condition), and decided to take her side.
when i confronted my mil last nite about the nasty things that she said to my family, she practically said i was lying & putting words into her mouth. all the while she was scolding me, my hubby was just sitting nearby silently, not a word out of him to defend me.
it's only been barely 3 mths since the wedding, and it's already nightmare. i'm deeply hurt by my husband's attitude & inability to give me any security against his mum's poison arrows.
i've begun to think that it was all a mistake to marry him in the 1st place. my hubby & i had a long talk last nite, and now i'm contemplating whether we can annul the marriage, or do we need to divorce? to late to turn back the clock...
think my mil will only be truly satisfied only when she sees me gone.
would appreciate any advise / opinions.
last nite was a showdown between my mil and me. since the wedding i've been trying to keep to myself. the less said, the less conflicts right? guess not.. (fyi, note that i'm not the confrontational type, my colleagues say i'm a rabbit, easily bullied).
anyway, if you read my previous post, there was a lot of hostility brewing among my family & my hubb's family during the few days before the wedding.
apparently my mil has been saying bad things behind my back to all her relatives, acting like i have been mistreating her. i never once raised my voice to her, until last nite, when she confronted me. i admit that i tried to keep out of her way since getting married, but what's wrong with that?
i also found out fr my hubby that my mil had been going to hdb, to see if she can add her name to the flat, which my hubby & i co-own. i was pleased to hear that the hdb officer told her off, saying that she would need to seek our permission before doing so, not like she can add as she likes. needless to say, my mil was very upset to hear that.
furthermore, some things which i had complained about her to my husband, he had let his mom know even when i had told him to keep it confidential. so that apparently added to her anger.
i'm also so disappointed with my hubby for telling his mum that i thought she was unreasonable. he's supposed to be the one creating peace, not stirring more trouble.
my mil also scolded me last nite, saying that if i didn't want to stay with her after marriage, i shld've told her earlier. i angrily told her that i had told her son more than a yr ago before we got married that i didn't want to stay with her, but she wanted to stay with us, so what can we say? to turn her away would be unfilial, and now by letting her stay she's ruining my life & my marriage.
she had pretended to be sick shortly after we got married, and was rushed to the hospital. the doctor said there was nothing wrong with her physically (the doc had suggested a counsellor instead), but she wanted to stay in the hospital for 2 days to run a series of test, incl brain scan. my hubby couldn't afford the bills, so i had foot the bill instead.
so last nite angrily i told her if i had been mistreating her i wouldn't even bother to pay her hospital bills. she didn; know that i knew the doc thought she was a bit unstable.
last nite after being confronted by my mil, i asked my hubby if i were to move out, would he move with me? my solution was simple, so many conflicts by staying together, at most we let his mum stay in our flat, then we rent a plc elswhere.
my hubby said he can;t leave his mum to stay alone (pls note she's only 52, physically tip-top condition), and decided to take her side.
when i confronted my mil last nite about the nasty things that she said to my family, she practically said i was lying & putting words into her mouth. all the while she was scolding me, my hubby was just sitting nearby silently, not a word out of him to defend me.
it's only been barely 3 mths since the wedding, and it's already nightmare. i'm deeply hurt by my husband's attitude & inability to give me any security against his mum's poison arrows.
i've begun to think that it was all a mistake to marry him in the 1st place. my hubby & i had a long talk last nite, and now i'm contemplating whether we can annul the marriage, or do we need to divorce? to late to turn back the clock...
think my mil will only be truly satisfied only when she sees me gone.
would appreciate any advise / opinions.
Hi pinkbuttons, now that you have confronted your MIL, I think it would be harder for you to rebuild the r/s with your ILs and hb. What did your hb say after you both had a long talk? I think he is in a difficult position now...caught between his mum and you. It's definitely not a good idea to ask him to move out with you. 1) why shld you since it's your home? 2) both of you would be seen in a very bad light by your relatives.
CNY is coming soon. If you wish to hold on to the marriage, I think probably have to make it a point to improve the r/s with your ILs. if you constantly behave nicely infront of your relatives, I'm sure sooner or later they will think tht your MIL is making up stories about you. Ppls have eyes to see lah.
CNY is coming soon. If you wish to hold on to the marriage, I think probably have to make it a point to improve the r/s with your ILs. if you constantly behave nicely infront of your relatives, I'm sure sooner or later they will think tht your MIL is making up stories about you. Ppls have eyes to see lah.
pinkbuttons
New Member
hi, g-gal,
i asked my hubby what was his mum's intention of scolding me like that? did she think that i would be extra nice to her for doing so? did she expect me to cry, and hug & kiss her after that?
i agree that it's harder to build any relationship after that episode. i have my pride as well, after being scolded & accused of being a liar for almost an hour, with my husband sitting silently... i don't even dare confide in my mum, cos i know she'll explode at the thought of her daughter being treated like that.
i've always behaved in front of his relatives, but i'm not close to them as they usually treat me like i'm transparent even on my wedding day, with the exception of 1 or 2 of them. but to be fair to them, they are closer to his mum, so naturally would side with her.
i asked my hubby what was his mum's intention of scolding me like that? did she think that i would be extra nice to her for doing so? did she expect me to cry, and hug & kiss her after that?
i agree that it's harder to build any relationship after that episode. i have my pride as well, after being scolded & accused of being a liar for almost an hour, with my husband sitting silently... i don't even dare confide in my mum, cos i know she'll explode at the thought of her daughter being treated like that.
i've always behaved in front of his relatives, but i'm not close to them as they usually treat me like i'm transparent even on my wedding day, with the exception of 1 or 2 of them. but to be fair to them, they are closer to his mum, so naturally would side with her.
pinkbuttons, your MIL really seems like the typical wicked ones we watch on tv!!
perhaps your MIL is very insecure...thinks she has lost her son to you and now has to stay in ur hse. u din mention why she sold her hse to stay with u? did she use the money to help u pay for ur flat?
if she did, maybe dats why she feels she owns the place or she may feel insecure that she is 'homeless', depending on ur 'charity' to give her a roof over her head.
no good will come out of confronting her...dat will just give her 'ammo' to shoot you with. try talking to her nicely and playing on her emotional side. tell her that you want a happy family together, dat you dun see her as an outsider but tell her that she is like ur mother...esp since ur mum is overseas. ask her to treat u like how she will treat her own daughter and assure her that you will do your best to care for her just like a real daughter.
also point out to her that all these tensions in the family are hurting ur hb, her son...dat he is getting more and more unhappy. he is in a hard position...no son will talk against his mum. tell her dat u love ur hb and dat he loves u too...dat does not mean u are taking him away from her.
tell her that u need her support and love to keep the family together. breaking up the family will make her son unhappy and also cause her to lose face in front of her relatives.
in the meantime, during cny...be super nice to her and let everyone see what a good, capable DIL you are! then she will look stupid for bitching about you!
perhaps your MIL is very insecure...thinks she has lost her son to you and now has to stay in ur hse. u din mention why she sold her hse to stay with u? did she use the money to help u pay for ur flat?
if she did, maybe dats why she feels she owns the place or she may feel insecure that she is 'homeless', depending on ur 'charity' to give her a roof over her head.
no good will come out of confronting her...dat will just give her 'ammo' to shoot you with. try talking to her nicely and playing on her emotional side. tell her that you want a happy family together, dat you dun see her as an outsider but tell her that she is like ur mother...esp since ur mum is overseas. ask her to treat u like how she will treat her own daughter and assure her that you will do your best to care for her just like a real daughter.
also point out to her that all these tensions in the family are hurting ur hb, her son...dat he is getting more and more unhappy. he is in a hard position...no son will talk against his mum. tell her dat u love ur hb and dat he loves u too...dat does not mean u are taking him away from her.
tell her that u need her support and love to keep the family together. breaking up the family will make her son unhappy and also cause her to lose face in front of her relatives.
in the meantime, during cny...be super nice to her and let everyone see what a good, capable DIL you are! then she will look stupid for bitching about you!
pinkbuttons,
I believe that after seeing your story, most of us here would stand on your side. Maybe you should talk to your HB and make him understand that marriage is between the two of you, husband and wife. Is he going to allow his mother to cause the whole r/s go bad? I really don't think that he should have remained silent when you're being treated as such.
Does living in a different place from her show that he's not filial? He can be filial in many other ways. Providing for her, going back once a week for dinner etc. Filial piety doesn't mean siding with the mother even when the mother is wrong.
Perhaps you can ease his mind a bit by assuring him that when the mother's health deteriorates as she grows older and needs someone to take care of her, you'll still fetch her to live with the two of you. But now she's still in good health and it's difficult for the two of you to live together.
I believe that after seeing your story, most of us here would stand on your side. Maybe you should talk to your HB and make him understand that marriage is between the two of you, husband and wife. Is he going to allow his mother to cause the whole r/s go bad? I really don't think that he should have remained silent when you're being treated as such.
Does living in a different place from her show that he's not filial? He can be filial in many other ways. Providing for her, going back once a week for dinner etc. Filial piety doesn't mean siding with the mother even when the mother is wrong.
Perhaps you can ease his mind a bit by assuring him that when the mother's health deteriorates as she grows older and needs someone to take care of her, you'll still fetch her to live with the two of you. But now she's still in good health and it's difficult for the two of you to live together.
dokie_dokie
New Member
Hi,
Happen to see this thread... just wish to post my unhappiness... I have conflicts with my MIL. Hubby wants to wash hand off matter and want me to talk to my MIL directly. I confronted my MIL. Huge quarrel broke out. I run out of the house. Didn't know where I can go... didn't want my parents to know about it and to worry about me and had decided to stay at a friend's place. However the minute I run out of the house... my hubby called my parents to tell them I've scolded my MIL and my MIL called my parents up too, telling them about the quarrel. My mom called me up and asked me to go back to her place to stay. Only then I told my parents what happened. But my mom says what I told her and what my MIL told her differs...
Feeling upset now... coz the first phone call my hubby made is not to find out where I am ... but to tell my parents that I had scolded his mom...
Hubby did not make any calls to me at all...
Would this be the end of a marriage....?
Happen to see this thread... just wish to post my unhappiness... I have conflicts with my MIL. Hubby wants to wash hand off matter and want me to talk to my MIL directly. I confronted my MIL. Huge quarrel broke out. I run out of the house. Didn't know where I can go... didn't want my parents to know about it and to worry about me and had decided to stay at a friend's place. However the minute I run out of the house... my hubby called my parents to tell them I've scolded my MIL and my MIL called my parents up too, telling them about the quarrel. My mom called me up and asked me to go back to her place to stay. Only then I told my parents what happened. But my mom says what I told her and what my MIL told her differs...
Feeling upset now... coz the first phone call my hubby made is not to find out where I am ... but to tell my parents that I had scolded his mom...
Hubby did not make any calls to me at all...
Would this be the end of a marriage....?
maplewedding
New Member
Hi Dokie
What exactly happened?
Think your hb is not happy with you. Otherwise he wont dare call up your parents to complain about you. And he shd call to find out where you are going but he didnt, think he is plain not happy. But could it be MIL tell him a destructive version of what happened between you and her? Was hb witnessing your conflict with MIL? Think he also very fed up with you both thats why washed his hands.
Are you ok now? Staying at mom place still?
What exactly happened?
Think your hb is not happy with you. Otherwise he wont dare call up your parents to complain about you. And he shd call to find out where you are going but he didnt, think he is plain not happy. But could it be MIL tell him a destructive version of what happened between you and her? Was hb witnessing your conflict with MIL? Think he also very fed up with you both thats why washed his hands.
Are you ok now? Staying at mom place still?
pinkbuttons
New Member
thanks blacktulip & david, i've discussed w hubby. my mil wants us to divorce...
he says he can't move out & stay separately fr his mum cos she's threatening suicide
guess i'm in a lose-lose situation...
blacktulips, believe me, it's no use talking to her. after calling me a liar, she now wants me to apologize to her by kowtowing & serving tea. this is something i can't swallow
he says he can't move out & stay separately fr his mum cos she's threatening suicide
guess i'm in a lose-lose situation...
blacktulips, believe me, it's no use talking to her. after calling me a liar, she now wants me to apologize to her by kowtowing & serving tea. this is something i can't swallow
hi pinkbuttons...very sori to hear ur MIL is such a witch...think no DIL will be happy with her. Does she have other DILs or are you the only one?
In situations like this, u need ur hb's support the most. it's tough but he has to make the decision. he knows what his mother is like and that all her actions are to drive the two of you apart. What does he say to that??
Is he ok about divorcing you just cos his mother wants it? Frankly, if he cannot stand up to his unreasonable mother and fight for you, then u prob need to take a break from him.
i know its hard for a man to take sides between his wife and mother but when things get this far, he must take a stand.
are there no other family members to help you? what about your hb's other siblings or relatives. Maybe they can talk to ur MIL.
In situations like this, u need ur hb's support the most. it's tough but he has to make the decision. he knows what his mother is like and that all her actions are to drive the two of you apart. What does he say to that??
Is he ok about divorcing you just cos his mother wants it? Frankly, if he cannot stand up to his unreasonable mother and fight for you, then u prob need to take a break from him.
i know its hard for a man to take sides between his wife and mother but when things get this far, he must take a stand.
are there no other family members to help you? what about your hb's other siblings or relatives. Maybe they can talk to ur MIL.
pink buttons,
Actually I don't know if I should be advising on this or what i am saying is applicable.
I have seen terrible MIL - my mother is one. But I have seen how they can be tamed. It may take a long time and the only way is to ignore what they say. Just keep quiet. Don't confront them.
Treat them genuinely nice and in time to come - it may be many years but they will eventually see the light of day.
If you really cannnot take it lying down (and cannot ignore her), then I guess you have no choice but to walk out. Like in your case, leave your HB to be with her and you walk out - this is a bit drastic though and should only be taken at the last resort.
No need to divorce your HB yet. If your HB values you he will find a solution.
Actually I don't know if I should be advising on this or what i am saying is applicable.
I have seen terrible MIL - my mother is one. But I have seen how they can be tamed. It may take a long time and the only way is to ignore what they say. Just keep quiet. Don't confront them.
Treat them genuinely nice and in time to come - it may be many years but they will eventually see the light of day.
If you really cannnot take it lying down (and cannot ignore her), then I guess you have no choice but to walk out. Like in your case, leave your HB to be with her and you walk out - this is a bit drastic though and should only be taken at the last resort.
No need to divorce your HB yet. If your HB values you he will find a solution.
Yea pinkbuttons. Since his mum can threaten suicide. You can do your part too. No lah, not ask you to threaten suicide also... too much drama I think it's hard for your hubby to bear also.
Maybe you can go see a doc and breakdown and cry in front of doc, said you can't sleep for ages, got a lot of problem, feeling suicidal, blah blah... the doc normally will prescribe you antidepressants or muscle relaxants to help you sleep. (I know I sounds evil asking you to "act" but I believe after all these shit, it can be genuine too. I used to breakdown due to exam stress or work pressure unintentionally in front of docs, and the docs will gimme those pills... =/ I still wonder if I'm really that mentally unstable.)
Then go back and show your hubby. Tell him all these are driving you crazy. Even if you can endure this shit you have to put up with your MIL, mentally you are already feeling hurt and even worse that he's never been helping you. Tell him you cannot take all these anymore and you are breaking down soon and you are walking out and staying with your parents before he has to call IMH to pick you up if you turn too drastic at home. Tell him it's not that you want to put him in a difficult position, but that you need to take care of your own mental health. If you can't even take care of yourself, what good are you to stay and help him take care of his mum?
Give the ultimum and leave... no need divorce yet. Like simpleman says, if your hubby values you and care for you wellbeing too, he'll find a solution. Provided that he himself didn't break down after being pushed and pulled and stretched like a rubber band between you and his mum.
Cheers, and take care ok? *hugs*
Maybe you can go see a doc and breakdown and cry in front of doc, said you can't sleep for ages, got a lot of problem, feeling suicidal, blah blah... the doc normally will prescribe you antidepressants or muscle relaxants to help you sleep. (I know I sounds evil asking you to "act" but I believe after all these shit, it can be genuine too. I used to breakdown due to exam stress or work pressure unintentionally in front of docs, and the docs will gimme those pills... =/ I still wonder if I'm really that mentally unstable.)
Then go back and show your hubby. Tell him all these are driving you crazy. Even if you can endure this shit you have to put up with your MIL, mentally you are already feeling hurt and even worse that he's never been helping you. Tell him you cannot take all these anymore and you are breaking down soon and you are walking out and staying with your parents before he has to call IMH to pick you up if you turn too drastic at home. Tell him it's not that you want to put him in a difficult position, but that you need to take care of your own mental health. If you can't even take care of yourself, what good are you to stay and help him take care of his mum?
Give the ultimum and leave... no need divorce yet. Like simpleman says, if your hubby values you and care for you wellbeing too, he'll find a solution. Provided that he himself didn't break down after being pushed and pulled and stretched like a rubber band between you and his mum.
Cheers, and take care ok? *hugs*
pinkbuttons
New Member
hi simpleman, actually keeping quiet is wat i've been doing all along. she takes it that by keeping quiet = not showing her respect.
frankly i'm still fuming over being scolded that nite. kanna scolding & now asked to apologize to her for keeping quiet. it's definitely not fair to me, and i absolutely refuse to stoop so low. there's no way i can take it lying down anymore. these last few months have been like some drama serial, except w/o advertisements.
i agree that it's time to take a break, have discussed w HB last nite, and decided to do so.
he told his mum that we may end up divorcing, is that what she wants? and guess wat? she threw a fit, and angrily stormed out of the house & banged the doors, cos she felt that he implied she was the cause of the break. then she called him on his hp, and told him to make it clear, that if he were to divorce me, it's becos he can't stand my attitude and not becos of mil problems.
sigh... let me tell u, it's really no point talking to her relatives. to the outside world, she almost the ideal mil - supposedly easy-going. but no one knows that she always uses death to threaten her son, & becos i know & i've seen it, that it does make it diff for me to respect her for that.
btw, and from the way she's been complaining to her relatievs that i've been ignoring her, now some of them are accusing me that i married her son just for the hdb flat. if i knew who it was, i'd ask them take the flat and shove it up their a**.
i think it's very wrong to always blackmail her son like that, not fair to him & to others as well. no self-respecting mother shld do that to her children. i do pity my hb for having to put up with it for so long. i told his mum shld be checked into IMH, not Mt Elizabeth hospital.
frankly i'm still fuming over being scolded that nite. kanna scolding & now asked to apologize to her for keeping quiet. it's definitely not fair to me, and i absolutely refuse to stoop so low. there's no way i can take it lying down anymore. these last few months have been like some drama serial, except w/o advertisements.
i agree that it's time to take a break, have discussed w HB last nite, and decided to do so.
he told his mum that we may end up divorcing, is that what she wants? and guess wat? she threw a fit, and angrily stormed out of the house & banged the doors, cos she felt that he implied she was the cause of the break. then she called him on his hp, and told him to make it clear, that if he were to divorce me, it's becos he can't stand my attitude and not becos of mil problems.
sigh... let me tell u, it's really no point talking to her relatives. to the outside world, she almost the ideal mil - supposedly easy-going. but no one knows that she always uses death to threaten her son, & becos i know & i've seen it, that it does make it diff for me to respect her for that.
btw, and from the way she's been complaining to her relatievs that i've been ignoring her, now some of them are accusing me that i married her son just for the hdb flat. if i knew who it was, i'd ask them take the flat and shove it up their a**.
i think it's very wrong to always blackmail her son like that, not fair to him & to others as well. no self-respecting mother shld do that to her children. i do pity my hb for having to put up with it for so long. i told his mum shld be checked into IMH, not Mt Elizabeth hospital.