A Place To Vent Anger on Monster In Laws

[verystress]

Another thing about living habits is washing clothes style. I’m the type who thinks that washing machine should be used for washing clothes and fmil is believes handwash is cleaner. When I first started staying at their place, she insisted to handwash everything, even though I said my clothes can be machined wash, no need to soak first wash later… then she wants me to handwash my panties which I don’t do back at my own home coz I think machine wash is more thorough than handwash as there can be detergent residue, furthermore if her aim is to save water by handwash, it is not possible also because one have to rinse a few times unless very little detergent is used, which I suspected so coz somehow htb shirt doesn’t smell nice after washing… anyway I did handwash for a while although I don’t like her superstitious way of explaining why I should do that, I just find her way of saying things very lame… anyway, because of the handwash panties, I will have to hang the panties way before my other clothes are handwashed by her and hang, and it will be the only piece of clothing on the bamboo poles in the kitchen, which looks very weird, so nowadays I will throw everything into the washing machine to wash right after I shower… one more thing fmil likes to do is to rush out of her room immediately she hears the bathroom door open coz that means htb or me is done with shower and she wants to wash the clothes immediately, regardless of time whether 8pm, 11pm, or 1am… and she will closed the kitchen windows completely and the clothes will be left to air dry in the kitchen until next morning when she wakes up around 9am, if it’s dry completely she won’t hang out the clothes to ‘sun’ at all, or if it’s still damp she will just hang out to sun only for a short while, thus htb’s shirt always have that slight men’s smell…

This closing windows thing is not just to the kitchen but the whole house, and hence whenever we return home and open the door, there will be an odour attacking right at us, I can’t help but to imagine my house next time to be a stinky one, and it just makes me so sad…

She also have the habit of appearing frightened or shocked whenever I walk along or opposite path of her, even though she already sees me walking towards her direction… I’m just normal size and not blocking the whole passage way, yet she will jump and look frightened by me and will stop short her walk to let me pass before she continues walking, this makes me feel uncomfortable as if I’m alien or something.

I don’t think fmil is a super clean freak although she tries to clean certain things her certain way, but there are a lot of stuff she doesn’t bother like basin, tiles, tabletops in bedroom, and she can just leave the sofa in the living room ‘messy’ instead of putting back the cushion properly, and she can make the bed without opening the windows to air it and let out the dust whenever one puff up the pillows…

Another thing is how I arranged the photoframes, accessories in htb’s bedsidetables, I mean, those are our photos and stuff, yet she will re-adjust to the way she wants it, coz whenever I read magazines or books I will need a certain amount of space to put and so the photoframes cannot be right in the middle of the bedsidetable so I pushed it to the back, and she will push it back when I’m not there, or re-adjust to the way she likes it… which I find it very irritating… which also lead us to think that she actually check through our bags and belongings and wardrobe to see what we have and don’t have, and this is so scary and an invasion to our privacy.

And although fmil doesn’t cook often, whenever she cooks, I feel disgusted that she actually sneeze or cough without moving away, and she will add salt and soya sauce into her soup to make it ‘tasty’, and will do the tasting and not keep to proper hygiene… To her, I’m the weirdo who doesn’t finish up the sugary water in those canned fruits, and eat little rice, when in fact, I just don’t want to adapt to her in-nutritious eating habits, without proper vitamins, proteins, etc.

there was once when htb, fmil, and I happened to share a table with a very old, wise, and rich couple, who happened to shared with us their stories and how gambling isn’t good, fmil was shaking head and kept wanting to elbow me and signal to me that that couple is so wrong about gambling and she has seen much more world than anyone else in the world, I just ignored her and find her attitude super irritating… can you imagine she is the type of mother who brought her own son, then 7 year old, to gambling dens after school, not caring if he has done his homework or have eaten, until late at night although next day still have school, and because of running away from loansharks, the then primary school boy has to walk to school every morning at 5am all alone, no proper place to do homework and study, and sometimes take shower, and she even brought htb to gamble when he grew up so that he can gamble and won’t say anything about her gambling habits… and she actually finds me a freak for so anti-gambling and ‘clean’ and that my family and people who don’t gamble are complete idiots and stupid to the world ‘happenings’

I’m very depressed and stress that I will have to live with a woman like that next time, if not for the persuasion of htb and the many endless quarrel I’ve had with htb on these issues that there is no way fmil and her bf has the financial means to live on their own becoz of her gambling habits… I’m also very worried that she will become a bad influence to our kids next time… and I still remember what she once said in her very snobbish tone in front of me and htb that ‘she wun live long/ forever’ to be inconvenient to us, although she actually was indirectly saying it to make her seem ‘weaker’ and me being ‘unreasonable’ to want to live on our own… there are more stories about fmil, and also all the superstitious ideas she has been inputting to my htb that woman is ‘low class’ and ‘dirty’ etc making htb to actually make some comments about me and my habits that make me feel sad and low class becoz I’m a woman until I corrected htb that there is no such things, but there is no way to ‘clean’ my htb’s mind when she constantly has been inputting all these nonsense ideas into him… I so very much hate her…

 

[alcifertoh]

Hmmmm very very long post.

1) She has unhealthy gambling habbits. Agree. Her BF wanna give her the money to gamble, is his problem. Your BF will have to step in and counsel her about this if it is putting a strain on him. Does she always ask for additional allowance for her gambling?

2) BF paying loan is true. Because the house also belongs to him. How much money she wanted from him for household? A few thousand dollars? Even if not cooking, Money for household includes toilet paper, electricity and water bill, detergent, conservative charges and many more.

3) Never cook is okie. Can always eat out. It's not the responsibility of a Mum to cook. I have friends whom mums do not know how to cook. Been eating out for their entire life.


4) Your BF had been eating unhealthy lunch. So you are unhappy that his mother got for him healthier dinner? Why can't he discipline himself to go for healthier lunch as well?

5) You do feel inspected and under her scrutiny everytime you use her kitchen. Well Kitchen I would say is a woman's thing. Some of them very particular on the cleaniness of it. But Ultimately as you mentioned, it's her kitchen and she like the way it is. You are just borrowing it.

6)I don't know why someone's fridge is half full during CNY can be a Main issue?

7)If you don't like the way she wash the clothes, get a separate washing machine or wash it and dry it yourself. Why depend on her to wash?

I can sense so much more hatred... Not going to list down anymore

Venting yes I agree. But venting is not going to make your life any easier. Have you tried in any ways work out something with her? Or your BF? As you are not married into the family yet?

It's to an extend that I feel that there are nit picking in the living habbits of individuals here. I can almost hear the same from her complaining to her friends "My Son's gf, aiyoh throw underwear into the washing machine... use my kitchen then never reinstate everything to original, aiyoh this aiyoh that."

Reading through I sense that rather that you work out something for peace, it gives me the feeling that it would only be good if your BF's Mum compromise into it.

The washing underwear thing I face it too. My wife was not use to the practise and my mum nicely explain to her about it. It's due to different living habbits and eventually all come to a common consensus. Or if not, I would have bought another washing machine for my wife. Will you be able to accept it if I wash my shoes in the washing machine? Some families does that and it's perfectly normal to them wor. But I deem that totally disgusting too. I will not allow someone to even drop their socks into my washing machine.

My mum is a cleaniness freak. After my wife and I use the kitchen, we would just clean up there after. However she wanna arrange the stuffs, it would be her problem because it's her kitchen. Put it in her shoes if it's your kitchen next time and your boy's GF pop along and use it. Get what I mean?

My general point is, She is not making life difficult for u'll but the living habbit of both to accustom to. Rather than hating her and blaming her for "intoxicating" your BF mind, you'll should find ways to co-harmonise.

She had been living like that for all her life and very likely she is not going to change it for you. Unless both of you can find the allowance for each other to live, it's better that you and your BF move out in the future.

As the similar saying, live and let live. It will make the both of u'll happier. Rather than lamenting, do something about it and try to improve the situation.

Frankly, the only thing I see that could really be an issue is her love for gambling. That's all. The rest all workable. Even the gambling can be curbed.

 

[nikita]

notverysweet (verystress)

sorry to hear about your story, it must be very stressful! did you tell your htb? what is the outcome of that discussion?

is your FIL still around? if he isn't, then it would be difficult not to live wiht your MIL. could you talk to your HTB about his long term plans to this arrangement? does he intend for his mother to stay with you after marriage? when are you getting married and is it possible to delay/ stay separate after the wedding if you are afraid of friction?

In cases such as these, i feel it is difficult for the man as much it is for the woman. you really need to have a good talk with your husband so that both of you understand where each other stand - for example, so that he understands that your living requirements are different from your MIL.

if you really have to stay with her/ have no place of your own, etc, you might also want to consider staying 3 days with MIL, 4 days with your family, or 4 days with MIL, 3 days with your family, etc. you vary accordingly la.

you guys not married yet. best time to talk about all these things now and not wait until after marriage.

 

[alcifertoh]

I still think if you wanna get married to this guy, apart from talking to your bf and sort things out, your mentality plays a very big role also.

I can safely say the alternating of stays between here and there gona invite further problems to surface. Although your BF would be the best person to speak to his mother, you are also required to communicate with her to reach a mutual understanding. If it's gona maintain at such state, things will not look pretty at all. Behind each other's mind there's the bearing of grudges for each other. A little misunderstanding is gona spark off something big.

Face it. Marriage is a package. Everything comes together whether you like it or hate it. Rather than hating it, find a way to like it and build the harmony. Effort is needed from both sides.

 

[babypie33]

" Although your BF would be the best person to speak to his mother, you are also required to communicate with her to reach a mutual understanding."

I agree. althou a lot of ppl may say let the husband do the talking, but there are certain guys can't bring themselves to talk or discuss with their mothers. my guy is an example.

we got a resale flat recently and is waiting for our 2nd appt. as we are finacially tight, we cannot afford to do reno till after 1 yr. so we discussed that we shall buy necessary furniture only at this point. i told him to explain to his parents.

i knew he did not. so the final straw came was last weekend when his parents nag saying we have to do this and that. i was thinking, where on earth we can fork out so much cash to do painting, repolishing parque, reno 2 toilets. his father keep saying cheap cheap only, but still adds up to a few thousands!

so i speak up. i said we only plan to reno it after 1 yr bcoz we have no $$ after paying COV for the flat and our ROM thingy. then his parents keep quiet. lesson learnt this time!

there are also many incidents happen where there are differences in our living habits which i shall not bring up. perhaps mine is not as major as the ladies here, but i also have my fair share. my worst insult was being scolded STUPID to buy resale flat! his father ask why we need to buy resale flat, paying huge amt of COV when we can get a cheaper flat from HDB BTO and stay with them. how to stay in his place where there is no available room!!! he said we are STUPID, dont know how to invest!

 

[verystress]

ya, i totally agree that sometimes guys wun do the talking and explaining... they will just let things be as long as it doesnt bother them too much and to them all these r trivial issues, and it's only women that find all these things troubling their hearts....

i think it's really hard to choose between a resale and bto in recent times, especially when there are a lot of factors to consider while facing the impending marriage issue... personally i think it is too much for a fil to scold 'stupid'... totally no respect and insensitive and it just shows hw immature and inconsiderate for an elder to choose his words when talking to a new member of the family

 

[alcifertoh]

As per mentioned, respect goes both ways. As new members to each other's family, we have to show the respect to the family members in regards to lifestyle, cultural and practising habbits. You are new to them and they are also new to you. Being new does not mean that people has to make way for you.

Much of times we just take the surface value of words and assume it that way without looking into the intention behind it. Or rather shut off when things does not go our intended ways. Communication is must to let know the intention and actions which through matters can be solved without further misunderstandings. As per L!tt|e Pr!nc3ss mentioned, her fil kept quiet thereafter the reason was let known to them. When previously they do not know of the financial factor and that is what puzzling them.

Tolerance is a must when living with others. Even if it is with your immediate family.

 

[babypie33]

yes, agree. respect goes both ways. while i "expect" respect from their folks, i also understand that its their culture to behaves this way. but sometimes its traumatizing to communicate effectively with them given i am from a totally different background.

my family doesn't shout to each other when we talk, but their family is the completely opposite. in the initial stage of our courtship, its their family that gave us problems. even until now, even we have our own hse, they want to poke their nose into it. i tolerate, try not to give my htb additional pressure.

i am always very curious. while we DIL complain so much abt our MIL's habits/behaviours etc, how the MIL sees us? issit the same way and she complain to FIL as well? coz i feel that its always the MIL trying to be dominant over our things, whereas we as DIL only smile and nod to her... are we really wrong and shd listen to the elderly?

 

[babypie33]

notverysweet> yes, initially we tried to ballot from HDB, but after a yr of unsuccessful attempts, we decided to go into resale. that is when those sacarstic remarks comes in. i was thinking, his sis also bought resale, why they want to say such remarks to us...

at first, i tot im still able to stay with them and get BTO flats. so i try to bunk in their place during weekends to save travelling time. he stays in 5rm, have a younger sis and younger bro. my bf sleeps together with his bro, and his sis 1 room.

his sis moved out when she got a resale flat so weekday will not be at home. my bf told me we will move into 1 of the room coz the sis is out. but when his sis is back home, he wanted back her room, "chased" us out of the room. we wanted to sleep in the bro's room, his bro also refused to give up for us. i felt so miserable to "beg" a room out from them so i wanted to go home instead. knowing that my bf will follow me home, the father shouted "i ask bro to sleep with us already, why still need to go home!!!" but the prob is the bro not giving up his room for the night!

i was so disappointed. i feel that if i am to move in to his place after getting a BTO flat, i will have to give up my room for the princess and her hb they "shuang shuang" come back to stay. that is y i decided not to get BTO. luckily i managed to get a resale flat.

 

[alcifertoh]

No one is wrong but is just to come to terms about individual upbringing, experience, background and culture. The most important point is to have mutual understanding.

Think of it this way. Our parents generation grew up in mid of the last millenium. It was a totally different set of values and experiences that they have went through than us. If they seldom constantly update or keep in touch with the ongoing and changes over time, they would just hold on to that similar set of values.

Eg Supremacy over the DIL or whatever u had mentioned. To some their impression is still mata wearing shorts. Tough nut to crack but still possible to try.

When we moves on to the next generation in future, probably our son and daughter in laws would also find us to be stubborn old freaks with strange habbits that they are unable to accept.

Some parents like to meddle in the affairs of their children. Children find them meddlesome but I believe it's more on that they care. They feel that they know whats best for their children whereas the children will find them a nuisance and not given the privacy and freedom. A way to convince them of such would be showing them your independance to survive on your own fully. Of course probably time to time they would also want your attention hence coming up with all these actions.

Totally different background thats why would need to find a point where both can mutually connect. Via communications it can gain the understanding. The most importatant factor to take that first step is having an open heart to listen and acknowledge what is to be mentioned.

I too have problems communicating with my in laws and parents at times. Because we are from different generations and have different wave lengths. The additional effort I took was to breakdown my agenda to their frequency and discuss the issue together. You just need more patience. Not all reprimanding from them means negative and you might be able to learn more via their perspectives. I always welcome suggestions from them. If it's good, I adopt. If I don't feel so, I'll explain to them why I am not doing it that way.(At times it took hours and losing my voice for me)

And on the point of complaining, yes. DIL/SIL/MIL/FIL all do complain to each other. A very simple guage is, how you see them will be how they see you. That is why you need to build good relationship with each other, find the balance point with respect and everything in.

Sometimes it's us or them. But the bare minimum is the effort to explain and to approach it with an open mind. When we term them as traditional, they call us stubborn. But end of the day is the same meaning to me.

I don't believe in giving them the obnoxious treatment or hate them to the core etc. Because if they are really that unreasonable, we still do respect them as who they are and just avoid confrontation with them. No point bringing it down to the same level and feeling bitter all about it. It always take 2 to tango.

Relationship with in laws can be good or bad but is how you nuture it.

 

[icey]

Hi little princess,

For such dil-mil issue, the key is 'live and let live'. Don't magnify every single word / things that your in-laws does and you'll be fine. And like what you had already knew, different families had different culture and upbringing. What you deem as wrong / unacceptable, might not be the case for the other family, vice versa.

Just to share, I have a dominanting mil as well. She had plenty of ideas on how we should renovate our flat, for example, telling me to place a big cupboard infront of my main door for fengshui purposes just like her place where she thinks that old fashion cupboard of hers is soooooo nice..

To be frank, most of her ideas are a big turnoff for me and it does irritates me to the max each time she starts her engine to tell us what to do with the renovation where we wasn't going to have any reno for the next few years.
And on the 'stupid' part from your fil, I had the same thing, just that its from my mil. She didn't scold us 'stupid', but she was telling almost every person (painter, electrician, relatives etc etc) that we are so 'immature', just anyhow buy a flat without consulting her bla bla bla... so I can totally relates to how you felt.

Its true that respect must come from both. But honestly, I don't think they don't respect you as an individual, in most cases, I looked at it as they are just too straight and direct with their comments. And sometime too helpful with their suggestions. Think of it this way, you'll make life easy and better for both you and your fh.

Back to the renovation thingy, you don't need to be too over-concerned with their comments and suggestions. The important part is to communicate with your fh on your likes and dislikes and what's your fh's preference.

For myself, I usually let my mil continue on and on... if she ask for my opinion, I'll either direct her to hubby, or tell her I know what to do. That's it and leave it there. Don't take it too personal.

Lastly, there is no 'right / wrong' in a relationship. Why bother to ask such a question when there is no answer to it?

 

[alcifertoh]

"at first, i tot im still able to stay with them and get BTO flats. so i try to bunk in their place during weekends to save travelling time. he stays in 5rm, have a younger sis and younger bro. my bf sleeps together with his bro, and his sis 1 room.

his sis moved out when she got a resale flat so weekday will not be at home. my bf told me we will move into 1 of the room coz the sis is out. but when his sis is back home, he wanted back her room, "chased" us out of the room. we wanted to sleep in the bro's room, his bro also refused to give up for us. i felt so miserable to "beg" a room out from them so i wanted to go home instead. knowing that my bf will follow me home, the father shouted "i ask bro to sleep with us already, why still need to go home!!!" but the prob is the bro not giving up his room for the night!

i was so disappointed. i feel that if i am to move in to his place after getting a BTO flat, i will have to give up my room for the princess and her hb they "shuang shuang" come back to stay. that is y i decided not to get BTO. luckily i managed to get a resale flat."

Okie L!tt|e Pr!nc3ss, Bunking in also has to see the convienence and space the family has to offer. You should be glad that their family allow you to bunk in whereas for some families staying over is a strict NO NO.

What is happening here is, it is after all their house. They had the arrangments made and that is how it works. But it is just the convenience factor here. It can be a point to raise upon nicely if you'll are for the BTO. I believe that by then when u'll are married and by common consensus, your BF dad who is the father in law will make the decision. You can pose this question to him actually.

I believe that his likely solution would be reach at either the brother or sister (more likely the sister as she has her own flat) will be giving up the room for the married couple temporary. If the sister still wanna come back during the weekend, the brother will sleep with them and she sleep in the brother room. Things can be work out. If not, it would just further justify why you'll would wanna get a resale. And frankly speaking, your BF brother shares the room. He definitely has the rights to decide if he's gonna give up his convenience because you wish to stay over.

You have your place to stay at the meantime why the need to sleep over? I do know of married couples still staying apart even after they are married. As their BTO is not here yet.

 

[alcifertoh]

I agree totally with what Icey said.

"Its true that respect must come from both. But honestly, I don't think they don't respect you as an individual, in most cases, I looked at it as they are just too straight and direct with their comments. And sometime too helpful with their suggestions. Think of it this way, you'll make life easy and better for both you and your fh.
"

 

[babypie33]

yes, they are only straight with their words.

 

[13yee]

weird huh. in the thread, the very same people who slam me in the other thread actually speak so nicely to the people here with similar or equal shitty situations as mine... question :WHERE AND WHEN DID I OFFEND YOU?!

 

[powder]

cos u still think it's Other pple, and not Yourself.

 

[sunshinepeach]

My in-laws arent exactly monsters.. They, 2gether with my sil moved in with us few weeks back n they will be renting their house out. I am trying my very very best to adapt to different cultures and lifestyles. It's very difficult.

Since their moving in, I became very very unhappy and dragged myself home from work everyday. I dunno why the unhappiness arise. They are not exactly bad.. just that I am really really not used to having them in my house n their cultures. Also have an unhappy feeling of our personal life being intruded.

In order not to make my hubby caught in btw, I have to look happy on the surface. Sighzz..

All staying in the house are working full time, hence I strongly believe housework has to be shared amongst all members. How to tell all 3 of them nicely to clean their own rooms since they are 1 bedroom to each person w/o offending them? (parents in laws are those die die cannot share the same room kind and must be given different rooms). Think this kind of things.. its better for hubby to tell them.. but he isnt doing much to tell them either. I hinted to him that their bedroom floors had not been mopped since they moved in, he just, "oh.. maybe they scare to spoil the laminated flooring".. Sighz.. If mopping the floor can spoil the laminated flooring, I think sweeping wont.. I dun think the floors had been swept since a long long time ago! Help!

I know that its should be none of my biz cos it's their rooms already. But the house is still mine mah. And when i have BB in future(we are planning for 1 now), 1 of them wld have to give up their room for my bb mah.. I hope the room wld be in clean and good condition for me to take over.

I am indeed counting down to 3 years 9 mths.. tats when my house reaches its 5 years lease.. I hope to get another smaller house then..

 

[cuclainne]

what made you agree to them moving into your place?

 

[sunshinepeach]

Initially, was supposed to be only mil staying wif me.. since mil and fil cannot see eye to eye wif each other..

Then all of sudden, change of plan.. every1 move in lor.

Hubby also admitted it was his fault for not handling this properly.. Hubby agreed that if he can afford, he will buy a condo so tat we can have our own space..

Since things had materialised.. just gotten accept.. but glad that there is this place for me to vent my frustations.. But i know that if we really buying new house, i gotta stand firm!

 

[sunshinepeach]

Come think abt it.. things arent tat bad lah.. I shld also try to give and take lor...

Wish me luck and happiness..

 

[cuclainne]

It must be hard to be sharing your personal space with the extended family but just learn to give and take, esp. since you've mentioned that they're not that bad!

good luck

 

[sunshinepeach]

yeah.. compared to other pple's in-laws.. they are okie lah.. so, i must also lower my expectations of a lot of things.. Just need to accept the differences.. Hopefully, my sil also will start helping up with some of the housework chores soon.

 

[cuclainne]

at my MIL's, i do help her with clearing and cleaning plates, glasses, etc .. but at my place, she will only help to bring the dishes to the kitchen - leave the washing to me but it's not because she doesn't want to help. rather it's because she doesn't want to seem as overstepping the boundary as it's my home ..

some DIL might regard that action, or rather, inaction as being treated like a maid by ILs but rather sometimes, one needs to see beyond that.

 

[sunshinepeach]

cuclainne>> Ur in laws also staying wif u?

Notverysweet>> My hubby's family have the same tot as ur in laws.. handwash save water.. but my in laws are not particular that i must handwash my clothes.. So, for my hubby and my clothes, i just dumped into the washing machine.. of cse, i hand wash my own panties..

I certainly agree that handwash clothes will have a funny smell if only a small amt of detergent is used. I feel that the bathroom has got a funny smell because the wet clothes are hang inside.. I put air freshener in the bathroom.. but doesnt seem to work leh.. Smell is still there.. But think i am the only 1 who noticed the bad smell.. Haa.. Maybe i too fussy?

 

[cuclainne]

nope, i have never stayed with the in-laws .. it's been just me, the husband and now our two girls .. the in-laws live on a different continent ..

they've only stayed with us on holidays and even then we can only accept one guest, not more, to sleep over so most of the times they will rent a hotel room instead.

 

[rong_ruo]

i feel like getting divorce because of mil. I'm now staying with PIL + 1 SIL + 1 SIL whole family (hb +2kids). And i feel so uncomfortable and not at ease. I really enjoy my single life back then. These reasons really prompt me to get a life w/o my hb. Wat shd i do?
Btw i been married for 10 mths & my hb is a mommy's boy. Moving out is not an option at all. My hb would rather get a divorce over moving out.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Rong ruo, do your in-laws give you problems?

 

[clipperjunk]

this love thing about it's only you and i gets shattered when marriage sets in....ladies, please consider all things before putting signature on the marriage cert.....staying with in-laws is never easy...eyes wide open please, marriage includes the in-laws too, even if you don't stay with them..

 

[rong_ruo]

I dunno whether they are considered giving me prob. Mm.. my mil is beri attached to her son. Sometimes when my hb goes out par tor with me on 1 of days, eg. a fri nite, the next morning when i wake up, her face super black and refused to speak to my hb or me at all. Then sometimes i don even know wat she is angry with. But she will juz sulk & such, made me beri sian also. There are no head-on clashes, coz we practically don speak to each other. i will juz greet her, tts all.

And my hb is "chauffeur" in the family (incl SILs & her kids). So if i wan to go out w hb or need him to ferry me ard, i hav to book in advance type. If it clashes with them, then i hav to tink of alternatives. So everytime i have to plan ahead which i don feel gd abt it. Is like why am i e last on the list kind?

Its a dread for me to go home everyday. esp the lst half yr. I always look forward to weekends where i can go back my mom place. Sometimes when i sleepover, i don even feel like going back.

Find that getting married is really beri different from single life. i'm not sure whether i still adapting or i juz cant stand living w them. I guess its becoz i'm always not on my hb priority. i feel so alone. sigh..

 

[may_be_divorced_soon]

Rong ruo,

Have you spoken to your hb about your unhappiness? You may wnat to let him know how you feel so that both of you can work towards solving the problem together.

Is your hb the only son? If he is, your mil may feel that your presence has "robbed" her of her son. I think both of you need to face this problem together.

 

[sunshinepeach]

Yeah.. like wat clipperjunk said.. mil, fil and sil comes in whole package with our hubby.. Like it or not, it's true.. But come think abt it.. if not for ur in-laws, we will not have our hubbies.. as for siblings in laws.. i guess they are "bonus" ba.. Haaaa...

Rong ruo>> Since there is no hard on clash, then, just ignore her lor.. just treat it tat u never see her black face ba.. Jia You!!!!

I also miss our "Er Ren Shi Jie" back then! Miss it very very much indeed.. Now not as much freedom as b4..

 

[lizray]

Hi all

Just wanna to throw out my frustration.

>> Sunshine, my situation is quite similar to yours.

My SIL and PIL moved in with me and by hb last year Dec. Since then, everything is different.

Let me explain why they moved in. Everything started because I wanted to be a good DIL. My MIL fall and broke her left leg mid last yr. And she is the sole breadwinner for the family other than my hb.

As to lighten their financial load (as the same time my hb's stress for his family.) since my MIL can't work in her then state, I sugguested that they moved in with us in our humble 4rm flat and rent out their 3rm for income.

They were thrilled at that suggestion. But of course, I expect this to be a win-win sitation for both me and my hb and them.

The only expecations I raised was that they have to take care of the SP bill that comes in every month and they have to accept that I have a dog at home.

They agreed.

They moved in and backed out on their words!

First, my FIL was very nasty to my doggy. My doggy barked at him(my dog only bark at strangers who walked pass our door. He can even recognise my neighbour's footstep and stop barking at her now when she approach near our door now).

Then when the first SP bill came, my hb pass to them, they complained this and that and ask why so expensive. I got so upset that I told him to take it back and we will pay. From then on, they jolly well take it for granted that they don't have to pay.

Shortly after they moved in, my SIL graduated from Poly and we asked her to go get a job as times are bad. But she insist that she wanted to take a degree and applied the local uni. But she was rejected (evil me was happy). Who knows, she was so persistance that she went to apply private uni and she insisted that she will only study full-time as she can't take the stress from having to work and study at the same time.

And her wish was granted, she got into PSC. I have nothing to say. Cos my PIL supported her. when she graduate from PSC, she will have to pay 2 loans. one, is the loan for my hb's CPF which paid off her poly school fee earlier on. And the other is her bank loan for her degree now.

On top of that, my FIL is thinking that the 1.3k monthly rental that he is collecting is good enough to tide thru everything so he has no plans to work at all. *I can really faint*

But one thing, I was very firm on my stand to my hb. I told him since they break their promises and life is very stressful since day one they moved in, I would suggest that he ask them to move back once the rental lease is up.

Afterall, my MIL's leg is recovering and she can walk and go shopping now.

What make me sad is that they know we are saving for our wedding dinner next year. I wanted to strike this off my to-do list as my beloved grandparents are old and I don't want them to wait too long for the cup of tea and at the same time, the prices for everything are increasing madly now.

My MIL went to tell my hb that why are we doing it next year? Can't we wait for another year or so when times are better? As we are both Teachew, it is expected to have the 4golds. She told my hb that they have no $$ to buy for me.

I was so angry that I told my hb not to be stupid to buy the 4golds for me just bcos his parent can't afford it. As this should come from my in-law as a blessing. If it is from him, I rather not have it (it will just burn another hole in our pockets).

We are already planning to pay for all expenses for our upcoming wedding and I never expect such a reaction from my PIL.

My FIL is always sulking a look at home that make me drag to go home or stay at home too.

Everytime I'm home, I am always in my bedroom as that is the only space I got. They took the other 2 rooms and the rest of the place.

Now my room is so cramp as we have moved the study table and stuff into our bedroom so that his sis will have a room to herself.

On top of that, we SIL is a princess (FYI - she is in her twenties) who don't do chores. Despite seeing her mother limping around the kitchen just to cook a meal, instead of helping, she choose to sit in her room and read newspaper!

I was so mad that I dropped what I am doing (I was clearing work that I brought back from office) and helped her in the kitchen.

To be frank, I have nothing against my MIL as at least she helped me with chores so that I can rest and do other things on weekend.

It is my FIL and SIL that I really can't stand. In conclusion, my hb said that they are behaving like that bcos my MIL has pampered them for too long a period.

 

[koikoi]

Hi Liz,

Maybe you can get your HB to speak to your FIL and your MIL. IF all have been spoken and nothing changes, then you have to resort to the last option - sending them back to their 3 room flat...

 

[lizray]

Hi Koikoi

Thank you for your suggestion. But to be frank, there is no rooms for talking bcos my hb did speak to them about it.

On his sis -
my PIL replied my hb saying that she will nv do chores. All they could pray for is that she will marry a good husband that will employ a maid to do what she dun.

On my FIL not working -
My hubby has raised the issue and said that if they are not going to act on it, when the lease ends they will be left with no income. Their reaction is to wait and see.

So if you are in my shoes, will you get give up hope?

I did.

 

[sunshinepeach]

Liz>> On ur SIL not doing house.. since u are staying 2gether.. as long as she never make ur house dirty.. i guess have to close ur eyes lor..

I understand tat u will feel very inbalance esp when u are doing housework and she is not.. but bo bianzz leh..

i guess to be staying 2gether happily.. u gotta really endure.. at least, for urs, after their lease is over, u can ask them to go back..

For me, staying 2gether is a permanent thing.. unless i sell the current house and move out of the area... So, now i chose to close both eyes lor. My friend said tat this is not tackling the problem but avoiding it.. So far, they didnt give me much problem.. just tat i feel awkward tat we do not have much freedom after they move in.. no privacy anymore. But to me.. i accept it cos.. love my hubby.. love his family!

 

[lizray]

Hi Sunshine

I admire your spirit on love hubby ... love his family.

I have been closing both of my eyes now. I just do not wish to see that his family take my hubby for granted.

I am just counting down my days to my freedom again.

 

[rong_ruo]

Sunshine,

U really luv ur hb.... can have so high endurance level.

But how to be happy if this and that have to ren ren ren. I'm so sick of it. And i had talked many times to hb on moving out and his ans is always no no no. So is either divorce or endure. How do u manage to close both eyes? Seriously cant stand my possessive mil. There is a quota to the no. of times we can go out per week, ie only 2 max. If exceed, will gana black face. sigh... super no freedom...

Thinking of getting an anulment since we are only in the lst yr of marriage.

 

[sunshinepeach]

Liz & Rong Ruo>> Yeah.. I love my hubby.. hence gotta love his family too..

I admit tat i am not an angel.. The initial part of adapting is difficult.. n I hate the feeling of dragging myself home.. Different lifestyle.. different ways of doing things mah..

Ultimately, I told myself to endure.. close both eyes.. Yeah.. life seems to be meaningless if really have to "ren ren ren" but wat to do? Better than not "ren" and end up every1 has their own black face everyday, right? So, cheer up, gals! Jia You!!! Life wld be much happier and brighter. Dun give up on ur marriage because of ur in laws.. Talk to ur hubby nicely.. tell him how u feel..

If u ask me.. yes, i seriously miss my "Er Ren Shi Jie"... sometimes sad tat its a luxury of the past.. Now even the baby making process has to be a quiet and silent 1.. Sighzz..

Hubby promises to work doubly hard.. if he can afford to buy a cheap condo, then, we shall move out and stay on our own.. while his family will remain in our current house if they does not wish to move back to their own house.. Guess after honeymoon, i need to do my part too.. help to save up, so tat we can work towards our goals soon!

 

[koikoi]

Sunshine & Liz,

look on the bright side... at least your HB are there for both of you...

Rong Nuo,

maybe try to go out and bring your MIL along with you and hubby lor... let her understand you and at the same time you can try to understand her...
some MILs still belong to the era where the son needs to support the family etc...

when talking to your hubby also try to stand in his shoes lor... maybe u can propose to your hubby to live in your shoe for a week and you in his for a week then sit down together and talk it over, nice and slowly... then try to work out the problem.

good luck.

 

[sunshinepeach]

koikoi>> Thanks! Yeah.. so far.. for me, its not too bad.. just the matter of getting used to it.. of cse, if hubby really managed to buy another new hse.. tat wld be great news and big bonus to me le..

 

[lizray]

Hi all

So nice to be chatting and speaking my heart out to all of you.

Sunshine >> sometimes 'ren' too much, your man will take it for granted.

Rong Ruo >> Divorce can nv solve an issue. Instead, talk to your hb.

I agree with koi koi. We have to teach our hb to stand in our position and think.

For example, there was once I was so sick on weekend that I can't get out of bed to cook or buy my meals.

My hb was out working. His parent went to buy dinner for themselves knowing that I was sick and resting in the room, they didn't even bother to ask if I would like to eat anot.

In the end, being hungry the whole day, I struggled to the kitchen and cook porridge myself by holding onto the side of the table.

My hb was so mad that he scolded his parent for not being considerate.

When I recovered I told him this - " You see, you and your sister got your parents to take care of you. For me, they still treat me like stranger and in this house I have nobody to love me except you. And nobody to take care of me except you. So you have to love me more as I only have your share of love but you got lotsa of love from everyone in this house..."

He kept quiet because I spelled it out to him and he finally understand that it is not easy to live with someone else's family members.

So ladies, we got to be very straighforward to hb so that they can understand the hardship we are going through for them and be appreciative.

 

[rong_ruo]

I talked to my hb thousand times on it le. But he feels that the only option is to ren lor... sigh...

Sunshine: Envious of u, at least ur hb is willing to move out. Mine would rather go to the extreme end instead.

Talk to him abt seeing things from my pt, but he juz don. He neber stayed in my hse b4 so he will neber understand how it feels to be staying in in-laws hse. And becoz his mom don like him to go to my hse, only once in a mth he will juz come for dinner. My parents had been complaining until i dunno wat excuses to give.

Am i making a mountain out of a molehill?

 

[summer_ice]

reading all these monster-in-law problems just make me realise that im so lucky. coz after our wedding, we are gonna stay with my parents (whilst waiting for our BTO flat to be ready in 2010). boy am i super glad to be staying with my parents!!

his mum's place has got no rooms for us, and since i have my own room, the best solution is to stay with my parents before our love nest comes.

initially his mum was ok with this arrangement, afterall HTB has been staying in my parents house for the past few years already. in fact so much so that he has a set of his own keys, my dad will call to ask him if he's coming home for dinner etc.. i guess we're really lucky in this sense.

then out of the blue, his mum told him that we shouldn't get married until our flat is ready. her worry is that other people will talk. who will talk?? i guess she is more worried about her 'face' issue than the arrangements. our banquet had already been booked, she even told us to forfeit the $3k deposit (our money ok, and not as if she is going to bear the loss on our behalf). either that or we go and buy a re-sale flat. if we could afford to buy a re-sale flat, we would have done so right from the start, who would want to wait so long to get your house? with the ever-rising COV and reno costs, it was a no-no for us. we even contemplated renting a room or wad, just so that his mum will be appeased. but its really so silly to be renting a room outside when my own parents have a room (masterbed room somemore) available for me.

we felt that she was ridiculous in her so-called reasons, and so HTB called the grandpa and spoke to grandpa, told him our reasons on why we cant postpone the wedding, why we have to stay at my parents place after marriage, grandpa told us to go ahead, no need to bother abt my FMIL! 3 cheers to an understanding future Grandpa-in-law!

 

[koikoi]

Rong Nuo,

Is your HB ready to settle down?
And I think it's quite ridiculous to only goin back once a week. Is your HB close to your family?

If SM is reading this, maybe he can advice more...

 

[rong_ruo]

Koikoi,

My hb on ok terms w my family de. Its juz tt his mom does not like her son to mix w my family too much. I guess she worried tt my family will "snatch" his son bah. But it makes things beri difficult for me, esp my family gathering, my aunts & such will keep probing y he is not here. Stressed...

Anyway i juz told hb, when next yr, property price is going down, we will buy a hse and i will juz stay out. If he cant stay out, then i stay on my own. I don mind de. As long as i don need to stay in the hse. Recently weekends had been staying over at my mom hse and apparently my mil is in gd mood when i always not at home!! Given the kind of condition & his response, i'm not confident to start a family w him yet.

Btw, am i kicking up a big fuss over nothing?

 

[cuclainne]

i am curious but before you ladies get married, were there no tell-tale signs of all these 'issues'? during the course of your relationship, do you ever discuss what happens after the wedding?

 

[lizray]

Hi Calclainne

For my case, I already know that my FIL is a very hard to get along person.

But I never expect that they will back out on their words before moving in.

Whatmore on the 2nd day of moving in, my MIL told me this - "... it is wise that the daughter-in-law not meddle with the in-law side's issues. Not to voice out on anything. Leave it to the husband to settle with his family..."

Come to think of it... this is rubbish lo. They are stay at my home and I can't command and complain about wrong doings on their side!

Recently when I told my hubby this, he was pretty surprise that his mum told me this... (he know I can't tolerate anymore judging at the current state.)

 

[lizray]

Hi Rong ruo

I think you should tiles out the issue and speak to ur man.

He is too much lo.

Or, you could move back to your parent place and ignore him for a period of time. Don't talk or answer his phone calls.

Few days later, he will feel that it is weird not to have his wife sleeping beside him. He will feel lonely or the needs ...

Haha... then you talk terms out with him la.

*evil me*

 

[koikoi]

Rong Nuo,

did you tell your hb tat everyone is asking for him when he missed the gathering over at your side? How does he react to it?

And how do you know MIL is so happy when you are nt at hm? ur hb told you?

 

[rong_ruo]

Hi Liz & koikoi,

You are not the first tt says he is too much. Apparently my frens feel the same way as well. So i guess i'm not kicking up a big fuss.

I finally managed to get him to promise to get a hse next yr and try to convince his mom tt he moving out by saying the hse has no one to rent it. Wahahaa.. well at least it was an improvement from his initial "no no" move out. Meanwhile i will continue to stayover during weekends at my mom place.

He says he will try to go over for gatherings lor, but i also don wan to force him, coz end up i will suffer when i reach home. My mil will black faced again when i reach home also.

I asked him my mil is it beri gd mood when i not ard, apparently he ans Yes.