A Place To Vent Anger on Monster In Laws
- Thread starter janicachan
- Start date
yes, i believe in situations like these the husband and wife must be supportive of each other - that is what makes the situation bearable when one party understands what the other is going through. it's when one side caves in and cowers under the pressure that cracks will appear.
jan4january
New Member
i hate in laws intervening my life, controlling u the gowns u wear is too much to take! altho i dun like my in laws, at least mine kept their mouth shut abt my bridal things....
I had two evening gowns made actually, intended to change into my second one to send the guests off.. but they disallowed me to wear that gown as they felt it didn't 'match' their outfits.. come on, I am the bride. I was determined to go ahead & wear my gown but on the day before my wedding, my FIL stepped in & scolded both my hubby & myself, so I gave it. But until today I am still very upset & sore that I did not get to wear my gown.
I was reading about fetching the in-laws.. my MIL is indeed one who wants people to fetch her around even though she can drive & has 2 cars at her disposal. This is also for her 'face value' so she can brag to her friends about her filial son.
There was another instance FIL & MIL needed to go to the airport & the timing was such that my hubby left for work already so she called my hubby to ask me to fetch them. I said ok, I will but guess what, she insisted that I use their car, she doesn't want to take my car. Just because my car is a Japanese car & not her typical continental expensive car? But her excuse was that my car is too small to fit their luggages. I told my hubby either they take my car or they take cab. It makes no sense for me to drive their car when my office has season parking for my own car & I drive their car & end up parking a bomb on parking for their car atmy office. In the end, they took a cab.
I was reading about fetching the in-laws.. my MIL is indeed one who wants people to fetch her around even though she can drive & has 2 cars at her disposal. This is also for her 'face value' so she can brag to her friends about her filial son.
There was another instance FIL & MIL needed to go to the airport & the timing was such that my hubby left for work already so she called my hubby to ask me to fetch them. I said ok, I will but guess what, she insisted that I use their car, she doesn't want to take my car. Just because my car is a Japanese car & not her typical continental expensive car? But her excuse was that my car is too small to fit their luggages. I told my hubby either they take my car or they take cab. It makes no sense for me to drive their car when my office has season parking for my own car & I drive their car & end up parking a bomb on parking for their car atmy office. In the end, they took a cab.
My wedding banquet had an oriental theme so my first evening gown was a cheongsam, my second one was a modern gown. MIL & FIL were all decked out in oriental outfits so they refused to let me wear the modern gown. Of course I insisted to wear my gown but after the scolding from FIL, I gave in as I did not want to put my husband in a difficult position & everyone is unhappy on the eve of my wedding day. My husband appreciated my actions as he knew how much that meant to me. But oh well, a wedding is just a wedding, it's more important what happens after the wedding.
Now, I don't really bother anymore.. I just ignore them even though they ask me to do things. I just go to work early in the morning & return late at night. My room is well-equipped with a TV, DVD, cable, fridge & water boiler so I have no need to step out of the room.
Now, I don't really bother anymore.. I just ignore them even though they ask me to do things. I just go to work early in the morning & return late at night. My room is well-equipped with a TV, DVD, cable, fridge & water boiler so I have no need to step out of the room.
jan4january
New Member
yeah loh, it was ur wedding, instead u match their outfits, they shd match yours! since u r the focus of the big nite!
green_tranquility
New Member
Mei,
I peifu you for giving in and being understanding towards your hubby!
I peifu you for giving in and being understanding towards your hubby!
I don't stay with my MIL, in fact I'm not even married yet, but going to soon, and I'm already starting to have problems with my fuure MIL.
Actually, I don't get it, she was really nice at the beginning, but I feel like I'm only starting to see her true colors now. Is it cos she knows I'm definitely going to marry her son so she dares to show her true colors?
I'm really mad. How can someone not have freedom of feelings? Whenever I go to her house, I cannot be unhappy or show a black face. Doesn't it make me mad to forever show a happy face at her house? I can't NOT be unhappy at her house. If I even show a black face the day I go to her house, I'm sure to be lectured by my FH for showing a black face that night as she will complain to him that my face is very black that day after I've left. Actually, I can't even NOT talk, cos if I don't say anything, they think I'm unhappy and my face is black! It's really stressful! I'm starting to feel so scared, how will I get along with her after marriage?
What will you do if your husband wants to give a set of your house keys to his parents? I fear and have a very strong feeling that this will happen.
I'm really mad. How can someone not have freedom of feelings? Whenever I go to her house, I cannot be unhappy or show a black face. Doesn't it make me mad to forever show a happy face at her house? I can't NOT be unhappy at her house. If I even show a black face the day I go to her house, I'm sure to be lectured by my FH for showing a black face that night as she will complain to him that my face is very black that day after I've left. Actually, I can't even NOT talk, cos if I don't say anything, they think I'm unhappy and my face is black! It's really stressful! I'm starting to feel so scared, how will I get along with her after marriage?
What will you do if your husband wants to give a set of your house keys to his parents? I fear and have a very strong feeling that this will happen.
bridestobe
New Member
will your MIL be staying with you after marry? if not, why bother about her?! hack care lor. i also dont really like my parents in law. but my MIL has passed away last year so no monster MIL for me anymore. now i only left my FIL. frankly speaking, sometimes i also cant stand my FIL and my hb intends to ask my FIL to stay with us after we married. sianz. i really hate the idea of parents in law to be part of my life.
but on the other hand, you also must think how many years can they still live so just close one eye lor. my FIL is already 70+ liao so sometimes i'm trying very hard to close one eye.
but on the other hand, you also must think how many years can they still live so just close one eye lor. my FIL is already 70+ liao so sometimes i'm trying very hard to close one eye.
sorry ah if i am a little different but staying with PIL is okay mah .. although i do not . Perhaps it is because some days of the month i have to stay at home alone and yearn for company haa ... quite used to people at home when i go home already ... there's once when i went to my HB place after work & upon opening the door , my FIL ask " eaten your dinner ? if havent i go heat up for U " wah .. touched... then my MIL came out and then ask if i had drank the soup... its really a very warm feeling ... i know PIL tends to nag i mean whose parents dont ? Some PIL really a little overboard and timing not so right .. i also know some PIL gets over gancheong over their son / daughter but again whose parents dont .. but then they are still parents of your partner mah ... think again who are the ones who had bring u to this world , given u bread and love until you grew up ? People say u only understand the pain of parents when u are .. perhaps mommies and daddies ( young ones ) can share with us if its true
I am one who support staying with PIL haa
I am one who support staying with PIL haa
christie79
New Member
Misspooh i understand your plight cos i was in a relationship like that too. But i think you should tell your FH about how you feel and explain that it's not that you're blackface but that's how you look when you're quiet but that doesn't mean that you're unhappy or simply not talking cos of tired etc etc..
i have a 'stern' and no nonsense look too when im quiet and my hubby will comment if im angry or annoyed..haha and we joked about it sometimes!
i have a 'stern' and no nonsense look too when im quiet and my hubby will comment if im angry or annoyed..haha and we joked about it sometimes!
christie79
New Member
And oh my PIL have a set of keys to the house and we have a set of their's too! Actually it's like in case of emergencies and they'll come in handy. But if they were to come visit and we're at home, they'll usually ring the bell or knock before entering. We take it positively lah..
bridestobe
New Member
hi oveydovey, since you support the idea of staying with in laws then why dont you stay with them now? i can say my FIL isnt the worst of the worst type. whenever he saw me and he would ask whether i eaten a not. i've a dog and he also asked whether my dog eaten a not. surprisingly, my dog likes my FIL bcos she likes to sit beside him. but of course, my dog also likes my mum lor. basically, my dog likes everyone! hahaha.
christie79
New Member
I agree that staying under same roof is different with just visiting for meals and gatherings cos more confilicts i find lor..cos if don't see eye to eye on things or the way each person does things. But all in all also depends on each character..whether can click or not..
bridestobe
New Member
ya, i agreed with Mei. it's a completely different story when staying under ONE ROOF!
oveydovey, say say is very easy but when comes to staying together is different liao lor. i can say my FIL is not bad and he doesnt really bother us much. he's a person who prefers freedom and likes to shop around by himself. he also didnt interferred with our reno, wedding preparation etc. last time when occasionally i stayed at my hb's house and FIL even bought breakfast for me.
oveydovey, say say is very easy but when comes to staying together is different liao lor. i can say my FIL is not bad and he doesnt really bother us much. he's a person who prefers freedom and likes to shop around by himself. he also didnt interferred with our reno, wedding preparation etc. last time when occasionally i stayed at my hb's house and FIL even bought breakfast for me.
jan4january
New Member
so angry! my mil asking me to bear bb again!
I attended her daughter's bb full month. and when i carried the bb, mil think it is good opportunity to ask me n hb bear bb.
she raised her voice in high pitch (as if its the bb talking, rather than she herself talking), said to us,' when you two bear a biao di' to play with me?'
i immediately showed black face to her.
1. coz i hate her always ask me bear bb
2. why i must bear a biao di, but not a biao mei? u r zhong nan qing nu rite?
cant stand her for so lao tu.
i n hb ignored her, n she got the cheek to repeat the same sentence 4x!
then i fed up, i passed back the bb to her and went away.
I attended her daughter's bb full month. and when i carried the bb, mil think it is good opportunity to ask me n hb bear bb.
she raised her voice in high pitch (as if its the bb talking, rather than she herself talking), said to us,' when you two bear a biao di' to play with me?'
i immediately showed black face to her.
1. coz i hate her always ask me bear bb
2. why i must bear a biao di, but not a biao mei? u r zhong nan qing nu rite?
cant stand her for so lao tu.
i n hb ignored her, n she got the cheek to repeat the same sentence 4x!
then i fed up, i passed back the bb to her and went away.
cecilialim
Active Member
old ppl are like that la... her mouth bo bian lor.. at least your hubby dun listen to her and decide to really have a baby
sgbabydoll
Active Member
When my ex-MIL hinted for a grandchild, I just smiled and replied that we would let nature take its course. Hehe
jan4january
New Member
I really cant make myself to smile when she ask me such qtn. i dun like people interfere in this private matter. yes, luckily my hb is on my side.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
But to her it is a family affair mah.
what to do..some MIL buay zi dong one... wun let u have a chance to let nature take its own course...
by the way...i am pregnant now.. and happen that its a boy... my MIL super happy..suddenly treat me in a diff light
everything i do.. she will ask me to be careful...
and she "dun" bird nest for me etc...]]
well...count myself lucky tis time to eat free bird nest lor... as for her nonsense...heck care lar.
by the way...i am pregnant now.. and happen that its a boy... my MIL super happy..suddenly treat me in a diff light
everything i do.. she will ask me to be careful...
and she "dun" bird nest for me etc...]]
well...count myself lucky tis time to eat free bird nest lor... as for her nonsense...heck care lar.
I'm falling into depression, there are too many misunderstandings and stress in my marriage. We moved out and rented a flat as my husband has so much to pick on when I wanted to buy a flat of our own, everyone including myself thought he was trying to pick on things so that we will not move out from his parents' house.
Nowadays it isn't cheap to rent a house. A small hdb flat cost us $1500 per month, that takes up almost half of his salary. I earn more than him and he conveniently put me into the role as an atm machine and married him for so long, I've never seen him spending his own money like there's no tomorrow and he doesn't even bother to ask do I have so much cash with me? He'll always ask me to loan him at least $400 to as much as $1000 each time, and this happens once every few days and sometimes everyday. Although he put it as a loan from me but until now he has yet to pay me a single cent, he doesn't even bother do I earn enough to support ourselves, our mothers and his new spending habit.
I sold my car away and stop going to restaurants, I hate seeing the amount in my bank dropping so fast. I rather save than to move back. Last weekend, he said something which I've never expected to come out from his mouth. We went back to visit MIL once every fornight and sometimes I'll encourage him to stay over for 2 days. I need to meet my clients when they aren't working, this means besides working during office hours, I have to work at nights and weekends and it takes us 23 stations and about 30 mins to take a bus to the nearest mrt station, I can't afford to visit my MIL often and in fact we spent more time with her than my lonely mum. Last weekend, out of sudden my husband scolded me for being heartless to his family after we moved out, cos I didn't call his family members often to chat with them. I was so surprised he can see how hard I work for our life and even ended in hospital but yet scolding me over this when I'm in the hospital? Last time I mentioned that nobody likes my MIL, and she's the kind that will expect a mile from you if you give her just an inch, and she doesn't take no for answer. None of their relatives dare to keep in touch with her, how does my husband expects me to spend at least an hour once every few days to call his mum? And it's also so not me to chat on the phone for long and often.
Yesterday, my SIL called to scold me too and I found out from her it was my MIL complaining to my husband about me, that's why he got affected and said those things to me. My SIL asked me "she's your MIL, what so big deal for you to visit her 1, 2 times a week? You think every mth paying for the bills here means very big deal can treat us like transparent?" Great! My SIL's MIL treating her like a queen but she isn't willing to visit her once a mth and even unhappy to see her husband there. My SIL and her family (2 boys and husband) are staying with my MIL but giving her $600 including 3 meals while we still paying at least $500 for the bills for MIL because we thought since we aren't giving her any money (my FIL gives her $1000 to $3000 mthly allowance), and she has the cheek to scold me?
I'm so disappointed with my marriage. I don't know why am I doing so much for a man who always choose to treat me badly just because his mother told him his wife is this and that, don't he know what kind of a person I am and help me to explain to his mum and sister? He said I don't understand a married woman should always follow her husband, after discharged from the hospital why must I have my dinner at my mum's place but not his? I felt this is such a stupid question. There's a direct bus service from my office to my mum's house and also to our house, it takes me only 15 mins to reach. My mum won't say anything if I'm just there for dinner and left within 1 hour but his mum isn't even happy when we've already stayed at her place for 4 hours! What disappoint me most is knowing I was sicked he walked off when he saw my tears rolling out due to these misunderstandings, not even a word of concern and that's someone calling himself my husband.
Nowadays it isn't cheap to rent a house. A small hdb flat cost us $1500 per month, that takes up almost half of his salary. I earn more than him and he conveniently put me into the role as an atm machine and married him for so long, I've never seen him spending his own money like there's no tomorrow and he doesn't even bother to ask do I have so much cash with me? He'll always ask me to loan him at least $400 to as much as $1000 each time, and this happens once every few days and sometimes everyday. Although he put it as a loan from me but until now he has yet to pay me a single cent, he doesn't even bother do I earn enough to support ourselves, our mothers and his new spending habit.
I sold my car away and stop going to restaurants, I hate seeing the amount in my bank dropping so fast. I rather save than to move back. Last weekend, he said something which I've never expected to come out from his mouth. We went back to visit MIL once every fornight and sometimes I'll encourage him to stay over for 2 days. I need to meet my clients when they aren't working, this means besides working during office hours, I have to work at nights and weekends and it takes us 23 stations and about 30 mins to take a bus to the nearest mrt station, I can't afford to visit my MIL often and in fact we spent more time with her than my lonely mum. Last weekend, out of sudden my husband scolded me for being heartless to his family after we moved out, cos I didn't call his family members often to chat with them. I was so surprised he can see how hard I work for our life and even ended in hospital but yet scolding me over this when I'm in the hospital? Last time I mentioned that nobody likes my MIL, and she's the kind that will expect a mile from you if you give her just an inch, and she doesn't take no for answer. None of their relatives dare to keep in touch with her, how does my husband expects me to spend at least an hour once every few days to call his mum? And it's also so not me to chat on the phone for long and often.
Yesterday, my SIL called to scold me too and I found out from her it was my MIL complaining to my husband about me, that's why he got affected and said those things to me. My SIL asked me "she's your MIL, what so big deal for you to visit her 1, 2 times a week? You think every mth paying for the bills here means very big deal can treat us like transparent?" Great! My SIL's MIL treating her like a queen but she isn't willing to visit her once a mth and even unhappy to see her husband there. My SIL and her family (2 boys and husband) are staying with my MIL but giving her $600 including 3 meals while we still paying at least $500 for the bills for MIL because we thought since we aren't giving her any money (my FIL gives her $1000 to $3000 mthly allowance), and she has the cheek to scold me?
I'm so disappointed with my marriage. I don't know why am I doing so much for a man who always choose to treat me badly just because his mother told him his wife is this and that, don't he know what kind of a person I am and help me to explain to his mum and sister? He said I don't understand a married woman should always follow her husband, after discharged from the hospital why must I have my dinner at my mum's place but not his? I felt this is such a stupid question. There's a direct bus service from my office to my mum's house and also to our house, it takes me only 15 mins to reach. My mum won't say anything if I'm just there for dinner and left within 1 hour but his mum isn't even happy when we've already stayed at her place for 4 hours! What disappoint me most is knowing I was sicked he walked off when he saw my tears rolling out due to these misunderstandings, not even a word of concern and that's someone calling himself my husband.
Corrine: I feel so sad for you as I read your post.
I was wondering if you and your hubby has sought professional help for your marital issue? It isn't a small thing if you find yourself being extremely stressed and slipping into depression.
Also, it seems like your hubby is not able to meet your hopes of him being a loving and caring husband. Sigh. It is sad when we are disappointed with our hubby. Please take care and let us know how we can be of support to you alright?
Also, it seems like your hubby is not able to meet your hopes of him being a loving and caring husband. Sigh. It is sad when we are disappointed with our hubby. Please take care and let us know how we can be of support to you alright?
cecilialim
Active Member
sad case... dunno what to advise also... just hope u feel better after venting out and find a way to solve the problems... hope thing turn out fine for u
Thanks Hui and Cecilia, your patience with my long post is a good support for me cos I can't talk to my friends about this, since my first month in the marriage they've already been telling me to divorce because they think my husband is not good enough for me and his family is the most horrible torture to any DIL. They aren't happy that I still stay in the marriage, to them I deserve these since I do not want to save myself out of it, but I guess to many married women here, it's not as easy as abc for us to end our marriage.
I wish to seek for non-religious marital counsellor's help, but I do not know any. Anyone here knows a good counsellor please let me know, thank you.
I wish to seek for non-religious marital counsellor's help, but I do not know any. Anyone here knows a good counsellor please let me know, thank you.
Hi Corrine,
Try CCC - http://www.counsel.org.sg/counseling.htm
They are pretty good. And if cost is not a factor for you, you may want to engage their principal therapist, Ruth. She is very good.
Try CCC - http://www.counsel.org.sg/counseling.htm
They are pretty good. And if cost is not a factor for you, you may want to engage their principal therapist, Ruth. She is very good.
Hi Corrine,
I went for 2 sets of sessions. 1 set with a Family therapist way before we decided to wed (cos we wanted to be sure about our choice to spend our lives together before he propose) and had 5 sessions with our family therapist.
The second set was after he proposed, and then we had to attend compulsory Pre marital counselling with my pastor. That was ok, more teaching than counselling actually.
I feel that its important to be able to find a space where both parties feel safe enough to discuss and explore problems, esp if both parties want things to work. Of cos things will not just change overnight, so 1 session is definitely not going to solve your problem. It's like seeing a specialist for your medical problem, one time meeting doctor isn't going to cure you isn't it?
I think it'll cost about $100 a session to see Ruth. Not too sure about that though. Thats the usual private rates. If you do not mind voluntary welfare organisations, you may want to try the Family Service Centre nearest to your home. They either do not charge or charge only a nominal fee of $20.
http://app.mcys.gov.sg/web/faml_supfaml_familyservicesctr.asp
I went for 2 sets of sessions. 1 set with a Family therapist way before we decided to wed (cos we wanted to be sure about our choice to spend our lives together before he propose) and had 5 sessions with our family therapist.
The second set was after he proposed, and then we had to attend compulsory Pre marital counselling with my pastor. That was ok, more teaching than counselling actually.
I feel that its important to be able to find a space where both parties feel safe enough to discuss and explore problems, esp if both parties want things to work. Of cos things will not just change overnight, so 1 session is definitely not going to solve your problem. It's like seeing a specialist for your medical problem, one time meeting doctor isn't going to cure you isn't it?
I think it'll cost about $100 a session to see Ruth. Not too sure about that though. Thats the usual private rates. If you do not mind voluntary welfare organisations, you may want to try the Family Service Centre nearest to your home. They either do not charge or charge only a nominal fee of $20.
http://app.mcys.gov.sg/web/faml_supfaml_familyservicesctr.asp
Corrine, I just hope you be strong and firm...
as long as u didnt do anything wrong, i hope you wun feel guilty about all those false accuse... some pple are just ignorant...
well..as a DIL...wat can we do... if meet with such MIL....we onli can hope our hubby is on our side...
if he isnt...life is gonna be difficult for u...
just hope you are ok...
if u feel troubled... feel free to pour ur sorrows here... we will try to help
as long as u didnt do anything wrong, i hope you wun feel guilty about all those false accuse... some pple are just ignorant...
well..as a DIL...wat can we do... if meet with such MIL....we onli can hope our hubby is on our side...
if he isnt...life is gonna be difficult for u...
just hope you are ok...
if u feel troubled... feel free to pour ur sorrows here... we will try to help
Thanks Hui! My worries about it is my husband. He might not want to go if it takes more than a session. I don't know but will try to talk to him about it.
Thanks choc for your console. My MIL is weird. When I wanted to divorce, she'll go around telling people her son's wife is crazy likes to threaten her son with divorce, but on the other hand she always telling others her children will listen to her in everything, if she wants any of her children to divorce with their partner, they won't say no to her. As for SIL, she's a wife and a DIL herself...... why is it that she can't spare a little thought for me? All along everyone including my husband thinks she's acting like my MIL, but now I feel that my husband has also proven the words "like mother like son".
Thanks choc for your console. My MIL is weird. When I wanted to divorce, she'll go around telling people her son's wife is crazy likes to threaten her son with divorce, but on the other hand she always telling others her children will listen to her in everything, if she wants any of her children to divorce with their partner, they won't say no to her. As for SIL, she's a wife and a DIL herself...... why is it that she can't spare a little thought for me? All along everyone including my husband thinks she's acting like my MIL, but now I feel that my husband has also proven the words "like mother like son".
Corrine: Even if your hubby does not go, maybe it's good to talk to a counsellor to sort out your options and your plans. I mean, its a hell lot to go thru and it'll be good to receive professional support and receive help in managing your own well being amidst all the crazy stress.
pinkbuttons
New Member
corrine, my heart goes out to you. i know it's not easy... take care of yourself & be strong...
pinkbuttons
New Member
hi Diana, sorry, long time didn't check the forum...
i'm ok, esp since moving out... my hubby has since moved out with me. me & hb staying at a rented flat, leaving my mil staying at our flat. it's not exactly home-sweet-home, but it's comfortable and i feel happier here than staying at my own house with mil there.
nothing has changed between me & mil. i must admit, since i left the house, i never spoke to her again. my hb still meets up with her for meals once in a while, but he knows that i won't agree to join them. it may appear callous to outsiders, but i had reached a point where i really couldn't care less. to me, she's the one who drove me out of my own house... it was a situation of leave, or go crazy.
from wat i know, since i left, my hb's relatives stopped talking too. all that bulls*** that they said abt dil bullying mil also ceased - apparently nothing more to say. obviously my mil's threats about committing suicide also ended - she's still alive & kicking, no less.
my main regret is that me & hb don't have a house that we can call our own... cos mil is occupying our flat and we can't afford to buy another plc...
i'm ok, esp since moving out... my hubby has since moved out with me. me & hb staying at a rented flat, leaving my mil staying at our flat. it's not exactly home-sweet-home, but it's comfortable and i feel happier here than staying at my own house with mil there.
nothing has changed between me & mil. i must admit, since i left the house, i never spoke to her again. my hb still meets up with her for meals once in a while, but he knows that i won't agree to join them. it may appear callous to outsiders, but i had reached a point where i really couldn't care less. to me, she's the one who drove me out of my own house... it was a situation of leave, or go crazy.
from wat i know, since i left, my hb's relatives stopped talking too. all that bulls*** that they said abt dil bullying mil also ceased - apparently nothing more to say. obviously my mil's threats about committing suicide also ended - she's still alive & kicking, no less.
my main regret is that me & hb don't have a house that we can call our own... cos mil is occupying our flat and we can't afford to buy another plc...
green_tranquility
New Member
Pinkbutton,
Though you can't stay in your own house, you have nevertheless won the battle against your MIL. Your hubby has chosen you in the end!
I still think you have made a good decision to move out.
Though you can't stay in your own house, you have nevertheless won the battle against your MIL. Your hubby has chosen you in the end!
Ladies, I need your suggestions on this.
As mentioned earlier, my husband and I moved out of the house because my depression problem is getting worse, and my MIL not only refused to believe she's giving hell to my life but also not giving me rest even when I'm terrible ill. We rented a 3 rooms flat, with problems and hardship due to the high rental and overspending husband, but I thought it's worth the hardship as long as I can have a good rest after a hard day work and build up my health again.
Unfortunately, it's only months since we moved out and my MIL told my husband she wants to stay with us. My husband insisted she's his mother, it's not right for him to say no to such request, it's very natural that the children allow their parents to stay with them. After many argument with him, he lied to his mother that our landlord has decided to take one room to store their things and he asked me to remember to lock that room whenever his family visit us. Why can't we just say no without lying? When my best friend came all the way from US to visit me, my husband told me not to allow her to stay with us...... not even a day.
He has never respected me as a co-occupant (since we aren't the owners), he likes to invite his friends to stay over at our place but always inform me in the last minute when they're already in the carpark, and he'll leave the mess for me to clean on the following day after the guys left our house. Now, he doesn't even discuss with me if it's ok for his mother to move in. What disappoint me most is I just found out last time he refused to move out, ignoring how badly his mother and sister caused to my life...... I thought this time he agreed to move out because my doctor told him the stress in our marriage is the main reason to my poor health, actually it isn't so. Both his parents told me, it's because they asked him to move out asap, because my SIL's son will be going to the school near their house and they wanted to move into our room. Not too long ago, my doctor told my husband the same thing about my health again, but after leaving the hospital, he told me it has nothing to do with his mother or him, blame it on my parents for don't know what they let me ate to cause me the bad health.
Do you think I should stop trying hard hoping to salvage my marriage? Should I move out of this rented house and let his mother moves in?
As mentioned earlier, my husband and I moved out of the house because my depression problem is getting worse, and my MIL not only refused to believe she's giving hell to my life but also not giving me rest even when I'm terrible ill. We rented a 3 rooms flat, with problems and hardship due to the high rental and overspending husband, but I thought it's worth the hardship as long as I can have a good rest after a hard day work and build up my health again.
Unfortunately, it's only months since we moved out and my MIL told my husband she wants to stay with us. My husband insisted she's his mother, it's not right for him to say no to such request, it's very natural that the children allow their parents to stay with them. After many argument with him, he lied to his mother that our landlord has decided to take one room to store their things and he asked me to remember to lock that room whenever his family visit us. Why can't we just say no without lying? When my best friend came all the way from US to visit me, my husband told me not to allow her to stay with us...... not even a day.
He has never respected me as a co-occupant (since we aren't the owners), he likes to invite his friends to stay over at our place but always inform me in the last minute when they're already in the carpark, and he'll leave the mess for me to clean on the following day after the guys left our house. Now, he doesn't even discuss with me if it's ok for his mother to move in. What disappoint me most is I just found out last time he refused to move out, ignoring how badly his mother and sister caused to my life...... I thought this time he agreed to move out because my doctor told him the stress in our marriage is the main reason to my poor health, actually it isn't so. Both his parents told me, it's because they asked him to move out asap, because my SIL's son will be going to the school near their house and they wanted to move into our room. Not too long ago, my doctor told my husband the same thing about my health again, but after leaving the hospital, he told me it has nothing to do with his mother or him, blame it on my parents for don't know what they let me ate to cause me the bad health.
Do you think I should stop trying hard hoping to salvage my marriage? Should I move out of this rented house and let his mother moves in?
Corrine: I feel very sad reading how your husband seems to be so blaming towards you. I think you need a break from all these to find out for yourself why are you still in this marriage, and what are you hanging on to.
Cos it seems, the problem is not with your MIL anymore, but with your husband not being respectful of your role as a wife and your husband not fulfilling his responsibilities as a man of the house.
Can you move out to your parents' place for your sanity's sake and to reconsider your marriage?
*hugs*
Cos it seems, the problem is not with your MIL anymore, but with your husband not being respectful of your role as a wife and your husband not fulfilling his responsibilities as a man of the house.
Can you move out to your parents' place for your sanity's sake and to reconsider your marriage?
*hugs*
Hi Hui, thanks for replying. In fact I've been thinking to end this marriage since 2 years ago, but holding back the decision whenever my husband and my mother asked me to give him another chance.
I'm thinking to move back to my parents' place, but I've a worry. The contract is under my name, I've to face the landlord for everything to do with the house...... knowing my husband and MIL well, what if they don't take care of the place? Also, the high utilities bill which they'll most leave it to me. The mother and son are the type who'll leave all the lights and tvs on, very often when they fall asleep too. I think I can only leave the house worry free, when I'm sure I'll not have to face whatever s-h-i-t they're going to leave for me to settle.
I'm thinking to move back to my parents' place, but I've a worry. The contract is under my name, I've to face the landlord for everything to do with the house...... knowing my husband and MIL well, what if they don't take care of the place? Also, the high utilities bill which they'll most leave it to me. The mother and son are the type who'll leave all the lights and tvs on, very often when they fall asleep too. I think I can only leave the house worry free, when I'm sure I'll not have to face whatever s-h-i-t they're going to leave for me to settle.
Corrine: You shldn't be paying for them. If you decide to move back to your parents' place, withdraw your rent and ask your husband to move back to stay with his mom. Its time you assert your own rights. Your parents didn't have you born on this earth to be trod on as a doormat. Its financial abuse if they leave the cost to you.
That's what I think too, but I know he's too used to always leaving me in bills debt. To leave the suffering place fast, I've moved back to my parents' place last night, I don't see any possible for me to return to his side. He showed no sign of repent when he heard what I told him, and still tell me his friends will think I don't welcome them when they come this weekend? He's hopeless.
Corrine,
I have been following this thread and it is indeed very interesting. Esp Pink Buttons and your drama.
A lil background about myself: I am just recently married too, to a somewhat wonderful husband, have our ups and downs, but so far so good, and things r under control, but will not say much coz as I said we have been married not even one year, so finger crossed.
I do have a question for you ladies, as much as I realized that marriage is a gamble, you may never know 100% about the other half till u marry him or her ( could b vices, or how he handles issues and temptations in life that both of u might encounter as couple during marriage), but u can always minimize that risk but knowing what u want and setting a standard.
Dear Corrine, Your husband seems to b a total looser, sorry to say. He expects u to pay for his spending, borrowing money from you, his wife? I will have no respect for such a guy, not to mention marry such a guy. Do you know what I mean? How did u all ladies end up with such a guy? What is wrong w your standard?
I thoughts its expected for ladies to want their guys to be able to take care of them?? to treat them well?? etc etc I am not being a materialistic here, but a certain standard must b set. Am I wrong?
Second, "minimizing marriage problem" starts from the basic, about how to manage finances, about where to stay, kids or not kids, that kind of stuff.
I have been following this thread and it is indeed very interesting. Esp Pink Buttons and your drama.
A lil background about myself: I am just recently married too, to a somewhat wonderful husband, have our ups and downs, but so far so good, and things r under control, but will not say much coz as I said we have been married not even one year, so finger crossed.
I do have a question for you ladies, as much as I realized that marriage is a gamble, you may never know 100% about the other half till u marry him or her ( could b vices, or how he handles issues and temptations in life that both of u might encounter as couple during marriage), but u can always minimize that risk but knowing what u want and setting a standard.
Dear Corrine, Your husband seems to b a total looser, sorry to say. He expects u to pay for his spending, borrowing money from you, his wife? I will have no respect for such a guy, not to mention marry such a guy. Do you know what I mean? How did u all ladies end up with such a guy? What is wrong w your standard?
I thoughts its expected for ladies to want their guys to be able to take care of them?? to treat them well?? etc etc I am not being a materialistic here, but a certain standard must b set. Am I wrong?
Second, "minimizing marriage problem" starts from the basic, about how to manage finances, about where to stay, kids or not kids, that kind of stuff.
verystress
New Member
Hi ladies, just want an outlet to share my misery and stress…
I foresee that I will be staying with fmil as she has been a widow early in her marriage and this current house that she and htb are staying is bought under their name and htb has been paying off the loan and she is not working.
First of all, I find her very selfish as she has been a gambler who gambles away all the hardearned money of her bf, whom she meet 20+ years ago and has been staying with them ever since then from rental flat till now and giving her all his monthly salary even till today. Imagine, having $1000-$2000 monthly allowance, never cook on weekdays, and cook only 2 simple meals on weekend, minimal hp bills etc to pay, and yet at the end of each month she has no more money left, and her bf just took out the cpf retirement funds last year, now can complain no money already?!
Htb is paying off the loan, cable tv $80++ coz she complains nothing to watch and wants lots of channels… and she still want to ask for money from htb for allowance coz she thinks ‘money not enough for the household’, I mean, she doesn’t cook and no need to buy much groceries, what does money for household mean?
Previously, when they moved from another flat to this flat, she insisted to have the kitchen cabinets fully done and stretch the whole kitchen when she could have it done on a smaller scale to save the renovation and burden on htb… the last flat they stayed for 5 years and the housing agents and flat-viewers all commented that their kitchen looks newly furnished, so you can imagine the minimal usage… worse whenever she doesn’t cook, she will say in a hao lian/ yaya/ very snobbish kind of way that why make the kitchen oily etc and make it sound like she is smarter to choose not cooking than people who cook and make the kitchen dirty and oily… worse, when they shifted house, she wanted to give away household appliance to the new owner to appear more generous… things like fridge, microwave, bedroom furnishings, tv, dvd player, washing machine etc… all these she wanted to have new ones, just becoz she thinks that move house must have everything new and since can ‘profit’ from the sale of flat, these money need not be saved on. The main issue here is that her fridge is only half-filled during CNY period, and all other days will be mostly empty except for some empty containers she likes to keep, medicine, and occasional orange juice, and chili sauce, and washing machine also low usage coz she only used it to spin dry coz all handwashed by her, so all these 5year old appliances she considered old and want to discard are really not considered necessary …
Then, she also doesn’t care about her own son health and that he has been eating oily salty food at lunch already, and dinner will still want to buy fried rice or roast pork rice for him, so nowadays htb also decided to get his own dinner than to have her buy repeated unhealthy dinner and complain money not enough.
Usually, I stay over their place on weekends in order to save time and money on traveling coz htb and I stay at extreme end of sg. So sometimes we get tired of dining outside and will buy our own groceries to cook at home… she will be very kaypo and check out what we do, comment on how to cook, tell her dear son that holding knife is dangerous and look so worried and heart pain that her son is peeling prawns etc… end up very irritating so htb always lock the kitchen door whenever we cook… but the worse things is after we are done with cooking, wiping the kitchen floor, stove, washing plates and went back into our room, we can hear her sprang into action immediately to check what we have done to her kitchen, ‘ping ping pang pang’ we can hear her check out what we have moved in her cabinets, repacking the half-used spaghettis packets (plastic bag in container in container kind of packing style for her), recleaning the floor, stove, wiping dry the plates etc… although there is barely any stuff in the cabinets, she keeps a lot of empty containers and will repack the groceries, put food blender into paper bag and paper bag into a box before putting it in the cabinet although we used it often, and sometimes when she is only at home from 2am – 10am coz of her gambling habits, she is still able to tell which of her containers are shifted and will repack our groceries again… to the pointed that both htb and I feel very uncomfortable that we are being ‘inspected’ and under her close scrutiny all the time.
I foresee that I will be staying with fmil as she has been a widow early in her marriage and this current house that she and htb are staying is bought under their name and htb has been paying off the loan and she is not working.
First of all, I find her very selfish as she has been a gambler who gambles away all the hardearned money of her bf, whom she meet 20+ years ago and has been staying with them ever since then from rental flat till now and giving her all his monthly salary even till today. Imagine, having $1000-$2000 monthly allowance, never cook on weekdays, and cook only 2 simple meals on weekend, minimal hp bills etc to pay, and yet at the end of each month she has no more money left, and her bf just took out the cpf retirement funds last year, now can complain no money already?!
Htb is paying off the loan, cable tv $80++ coz she complains nothing to watch and wants lots of channels… and she still want to ask for money from htb for allowance coz she thinks ‘money not enough for the household’, I mean, she doesn’t cook and no need to buy much groceries, what does money for household mean?
Previously, when they moved from another flat to this flat, she insisted to have the kitchen cabinets fully done and stretch the whole kitchen when she could have it done on a smaller scale to save the renovation and burden on htb… the last flat they stayed for 5 years and the housing agents and flat-viewers all commented that their kitchen looks newly furnished, so you can imagine the minimal usage… worse whenever she doesn’t cook, she will say in a hao lian/ yaya/ very snobbish kind of way that why make the kitchen oily etc and make it sound like she is smarter to choose not cooking than people who cook and make the kitchen dirty and oily… worse, when they shifted house, she wanted to give away household appliance to the new owner to appear more generous… things like fridge, microwave, bedroom furnishings, tv, dvd player, washing machine etc… all these she wanted to have new ones, just becoz she thinks that move house must have everything new and since can ‘profit’ from the sale of flat, these money need not be saved on. The main issue here is that her fridge is only half-filled during CNY period, and all other days will be mostly empty except for some empty containers she likes to keep, medicine, and occasional orange juice, and chili sauce, and washing machine also low usage coz she only used it to spin dry coz all handwashed by her, so all these 5year old appliances she considered old and want to discard are really not considered necessary …
Then, she also doesn’t care about her own son health and that he has been eating oily salty food at lunch already, and dinner will still want to buy fried rice or roast pork rice for him, so nowadays htb also decided to get his own dinner than to have her buy repeated unhealthy dinner and complain money not enough.
Usually, I stay over their place on weekends in order to save time and money on traveling coz htb and I stay at extreme end of sg. So sometimes we get tired of dining outside and will buy our own groceries to cook at home… she will be very kaypo and check out what we do, comment on how to cook, tell her dear son that holding knife is dangerous and look so worried and heart pain that her son is peeling prawns etc… end up very irritating so htb always lock the kitchen door whenever we cook… but the worse things is after we are done with cooking, wiping the kitchen floor, stove, washing plates and went back into our room, we can hear her sprang into action immediately to check what we have done to her kitchen, ‘ping ping pang pang’ we can hear her check out what we have moved in her cabinets, repacking the half-used spaghettis packets (plastic bag in container in container kind of packing style for her), recleaning the floor, stove, wiping dry the plates etc… although there is barely any stuff in the cabinets, she keeps a lot of empty containers and will repack the groceries, put food blender into paper bag and paper bag into a box before putting it in the cabinet although we used it often, and sometimes when she is only at home from 2am – 10am coz of her gambling habits, she is still able to tell which of her containers are shifted and will repack our groceries again… to the pointed that both htb and I feel very uncomfortable that we are being ‘inspected’ and under her close scrutiny all the time.