jcys, yah, not only did she take all our ang pow, she also took the pin jin, jewellery (incl that which other ppl gave me), got me to pay her money, took money from my hb for dunno-what, & 'borrowed' money from other relatives for various unknown reasons... she's like a black hole.
anyway, now my hb called me saying now his mom offered to help him 'beg' me to come back. sheesh... what next?
been following your story for a while...really feel so unjust for you.
And it's seems like your MIL is a very talented script-writer..maybe can suggest to your hb to ask her to go TCS to look for a job. Sure will earn enough money to buy her own place.
PB: My bf's mum disappearance is kinda similar to yr MIL tatic, wants to use threat to make otehrs submit and portray to others she's the 'victim' . Think she wants to use emotional blackmail to make everyone in the family to listen to her. Not sure if it'll ultinately pays to act 'pitiful'... well well.... by bf commented her bahv is 'childish'. She is a grandma alr still like that... haiz
PB: support u to not go back. its ridiculous. so long as tour hb is supportive of you, let them go and sort their own mess themselves.
melon, yours is a bf's mum you cannot submit now cos if u do if you and your bf marry it will be mei wan mei liao. my sis's MIL also like this every other day drama wan to live wan to die now they totally ignore her liao and she stop so just like kids dun give them the attention they will have to stop somehow.
What we people have to say here are just our thoughts as a 3rd party following your thread.
Only you know your hubby's character the most out of all of us here.
So, my 2 cents worth is...
Your MIL has PROVEN to be EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to handle all these time. What makes you think that just because you shifted out and wanted a divorce will make her change her attitude? Her actions are just trying to placid her son "not to hate her" right now and not so much as genuinely trying to patch things up with you.
As for your hubby, he has also PROVEN to be useless (sorry for the harsh words here) in PROTECTING YOU as his WIFE. This is his character, and I'm sure this wasnt the 1st time you brought up the subject of possibility of divorce to him due to his mum's attitudes. He didn't do ENOUGH to stand on your side and so, what makes you think he'll really change his character totally and become a new him just after you mentioned divorce here. He should have saw this coming.
Don't forget, which step you choose here will affect your future. You already have a glimpse of how your huuby's like in handling such matters, you also know how his mum is like, you also know how his relatives are like, you also know how YOUR LIFE will be like if you choose to go back. Of course, there's a possibility that BOTH his mum and himself REALLY CHANGES their thinking and character after this, but be honest with yourself, what's the possibility rate if this happening. Are you really able to forgive your hubby for not standing up for you enough in the past?
If you choose to take back your decision to divorce, then it's your choice cos it's your own life (and sanity). Either way you choose, there's a risk, pro & cons. I believe you'd have already given much thought about this before you even went to the lawyer's office.
It's ok to give people a chance or 2 to change, but if things keep happening despite getting his/her assurance that "such things won't happen again" and then it happens again the very next day, then you can somehow know that this will be a common occurence in future. If a person is determined to change, you'll be able to sense it. So in this case, only you yourself can judge.
I feel that, if you move back right now, it would seemed to his relatives that you caused his mum to be homeless. Even if you are having 2nd thoughts about your divorce, don't shift back in the meantime. See how it goes. You may also consider giving yourselves a time frame to better judge the situation better before deciding to sign the papers...but don't let your hubby know your time frame.
As for your MIL, it's already clear that she's good at acting. One day say move out to make place for DIL, the next day start to act pitiful and blaming the DIL on everything.
Best wishes on whichever path you choose. Really hope you can find real happiness some day.
winter: i oso know its her tactic but what can we do? Btw she just returned home. Made now still feeling v upset n angry, quarelling with the dad.
My bf told me that she asked him why cant he stay single? say things like "see, yr fren so is single and got no gf, also leading a happy life". I got a great shock of my life..!! that those words actually came our fm a mother! She's implying that if her son not going to live with her, she rather he be single.
Then i asked my bf. If her sense of possiveness iis sooo great, then imagine future if married n really stay tog, then will she 'let go'?? i think its almost impossible since to her, only she can have her son cos she gave birth to him. She says things like "i pregnant 9mth to give birth to u, took care of u till date, always cook for you bla bla"... But to me, i feel those things she mentioned are "mother's responsibility" which shld not be used as a reason for 'repayment' and expect child to be 'indebted' to her. I told my bf, that if a couple is not willing to sacrifice for their child, then dun hv kids. My parents, and other pple's too, also sacrifice and do things for he good of the child without wanting any return.. i dun understand how come his mum hv such thinking, its not as if we're in TANG dynasty etc... its alr 7yrs past 2000!
Your FMIL also very one kind. Very selfish.
Even if the house issue is settled, I foresee more issues from her to come up in future due to her character. You should sit down and think twice before rushing to buy a house with your bf now. Are you really mentally prepared to have her as your FAMILY in future? Don't forget, even if you both moves out, she's still be part of your life cos she's your MIL. Dont wait till sign the dotted line liaoz then regret.
Better try to see if can solve her insecurities issues first before buying flat or getting married if you really want to be with your bf.
hi melon, i agree with samgirl maybe u realie shld take time out and reconsider if u reallie can tahan this kind of family member in future. its reallie ridiculous loh and look at PB's post imagine this is wat is going to happen to u in future its like your future is just here for you to read... i noe its unfair to you but I tink you reallie should ponder carefully.
Samgirl, youâ€™ve just correctly summarized my entire thought process.
I know my mil wonâ€™t change, I also know my hb will always have a soft spot for his mom, no matter what happens, which is why I hesitate now. Honestly, I can probably forgive my hb for being weak, but I cannot forgive my mil for taking advantage of it.
melon, i have to agree with winter & samgirl. take it from someone who's now in a fix because of an unavoidable 3rd party. i would say don't even commit to the new plc first.
Thank you for your advise. I am in a v confused state. I agree that PB's case is real and both MILs have similarities. My only source of comfort is that my bf stands on my side and certain abt what's going on (i.e. his mum was unreasonable and create trouble). This to me, is already enough cos i think both of us can hold hands n fight thru all these.
My only fear is he will lose this sense of justice towards me in the future and i am left alone to protect myself. I dunno how long can it last and what other tatics his drama-mama will come up with. The situation btw me n bf hv improved, from 1.5yrs back then, he disagreed on moving out, i persuade and talk to him and he agreed, he made lots of effort to tell his paretns and handle his diff mother. Now he finally gave up on his mother after witnessing the things she did and he knows what he wants of his own future.
I dunno why his mother did all these, creating chaos within the family all bcos of her 'willfulness' and 'childishness'.Why she chose to jeop relationship amongst the family and make everyone dislike her????
could ur bf's mum be sufferin from depression? Or maybe she craves attention? From wat I've read so far, at least ur bf's dad is on his side, tats the consoling part. On the othr hand, ur bf's mum now realising that the "whole world is agst her", might resort to even drastic actions.
As long as ur bf's mum dun change her way (but I dun tink she will, even if she does, might oni be putting on an act, furthermore there is a sayin: a leopard nvr changes it spots), it will pose as a problem and a threat to ur r/ship. Its gonna be a long term fight and are u willing to go thru tis endless tug of war?
Sorry to put some harsh words here but I tink ur bf's mum do reali noe hw to inflict emotional stress on her own family members (playin the "I leave home" game) and if she can suggest tat u've gotta reserved a room for her, it juz shows tat she will nvr nvr let go of her son, no matter wat happens.
So do reali consider carefully b4 u make any long term commitments.
sheepo: i know, maybe i am trying to avoid the long-term implications but its hard for me to let go this rs. My bf is v good to me. I find it a pity to end cos of his mother.
We have called up family services for assistance, hope the counsellors can help talk sense into her head.
I am so confused.... how...? My agent going to confirm the unit soon, i dunno get or not. If missed, then we may not get another one within so close vacinity and his mum will create the trouble another round. I dunno if i shld bite the bullet and give it a try? Me n bf are so confused n under a lot of stress.... All cos of his mother.... I think i am the one getting depression soon, or maybe i am already one.
Can someone recommend me where to find good counsellors for old folks?
hi pinkbuttons, I think you are luckier than your husband. he has no choice cos she is his mom. But a MIL-DIL relationship is a legal relationship, not blood ties. At last, you have a choice. I think MILs from hell are not all that bad if husband is smart and willing to protect his own family.
A point to comment:
Pple always label the woman in an affair who breaks up other's marriage and is a nasty bad woman. I have a question here, what abt a mother who tries to/ casuse break up her son's marriage?
Why is it that onlookers will label the gal as a bad DIL who snatch the son away fm the mother instead? Why other pple by looking at the surface sees only how e mother in the plot cries, laments child is unfilial, threaten to die bla bla?? All jus bcos she gave birth to him and suffer for 9mths during pregnancy and bring him up? She keeps saying such stuff over n over, lamenting that all she deserve is her son not staying with her... bla bla... Then what abt parents of all others out there? All their mothers had a painless n enjoyable pregnancy? Their mothers had a relaxing and pleasurable time bringing them up? I cannot agree abt her keep using that against her child as a 'debt' which her son hv to pay. In the 1st place, isnt it the case a mother gives unconditionally when she decides to hv children? Isnt it the case a mother will sacrifice for the safety n happiness of own child? or am i wrong? ... I feel as long as a child pays reasonable filial piety is good enuff, its not an endless lifelong debt he has to repay his mother. In the first place, he didnt ask his mum to give birth to him!!! Gosh writing all these is making me fuming. I guess if my bf knows that he hv to 'repay his debt' to his mum i this manner, he rather he died at birth. Its really depressing for me to even write this....
Also, I felt so frustrated and upset... totally injustice! I felt i'm the one being vistimized in this whole plot, although the mother appears to be the victim. If the one who cries and threaten to die can gain sympathy of others and will ultinately win, can i do it too? But i doubt anyone will care.
since u've called up family service for assistance den gotta wait n c if they could help "counsel" ur bf's mum.
But as wat I mentioned b4, its hard for a leopard to change its spots and we are tokin abt the older generation here. Some of them haf the tinking tat gif birth to son means son indebted for life. Everything the son does must put interests of parents b4 his. I reali tink his mum reali nids to c a psychiatrist. Coz her behaviour is too extreme for a normal person to react in the correct manner. Besides, its time for the professional to takeover, dun u tink so?
Since u've already done ur best and even ur bf's dad is on ur side, dere must b something seriously wrong wif ur bf's mum up dere. Like wat u sae, who in the right mind frame would wanna c their own family in chaos. Apparently, ur bf's mum cant stomach the fact tat u've overtaken her place in his heart & life and hence turned all hell loose.
Mayb u can "chase" the family service to quicken up their counselling process so tat u will get some answers to ur predicament.
I think most moms feel insecure cos they are growing old. They may be menopausal, husbands aging, little savings, so that leads to insecurity. My MIL is terribly unfair to my husband and they often get into arguemnts, but I try not to be involved cos my MIL is good to me and I just leave things to be sorted out between mother and son. Just that my heart hurts alot for my husband.
If you care for some advice, I would also caution against getting a flat. Unless your bf is totally adamant and *mentally strong* enough to stand up against his mom's antics.
Moms at those ages are really insecure (is she a housewife?) Why not attempt to proactively get into her good books?
She says outside meals not healthy, bring her to those soup restaurants. She don't like to eat out, then tell her you want to learn cooking from her. She calls ur bf to check his whereabouts at night, you volunteer to call her before she calls him. And get your bf to bring some desserts home to *xiao shun* her if he goes home late.
Being wedded to him means the entire family package comes along with it, if your bf's mom sense that your presence may wield her son away from her (spending less time; giving her less money etc), you just have to make a bit more effort with her.
Seriously, most guys are quite filial and they are just more prone to emotional-blackmail by their mom; then they just blank out.
You can say that we gals are trying to stand up for our rights but it's also the way we try to get things across that sometimes don't work as well as we think they should (like talking reason) and then we end up frustrating and tiring ourselves.
What I really mean is there is no point in trying to get wedded, have a hse, then realize that his mom ends up being the breaking point for the 2 of us.
My experience? I observed my mom's behavior and saw some of it towards my bro. But his galfriend makes a lot of effort to come over and have dinners with us, brings things over for my mom and my bro. Whenever she is over, she makes an attempt to stay in the living room to chat with my mom and dad and also offers to help her with some tasks. And those gestures do create positive impressions on my mom as she is taking comfort in knowing that the galfriend knows how to take care of her son, and also *respecting* her.
I did those stuff u mentioned, but not appreciated:
1) buy food back : 'criticise' i dunno how to choose watermelon, my da-bao food not good
2) stay over for dinner : almost fortnights, but once we wanted to eat out alone, she laments and blew up.
3)bring her out to eat: most of the time resist cos travelling and Q-ing is tiring (drive own car, not take public transport!), she needs to zxz early 9-10pm so its v rush and can only go nearby malls.
I hv done my duty to be respectful towards her n keep quiet whenever i see or hear stuff that makes me uncomfortable. Yes, u r right, she is the 'breaking pt' of our relationship, the only source of our countless quarrel.
My bf hv been putting in effort to educate n talk to his mum but no use. She is stubborn.
After her 'leave home' incident on monday, it really scares me, that she will use same tatic in e future to get things her way n harm my marriage. Now that i witness her 'sacry tatics', even more no-no to stay with her. Actually, while she was missing, i told my bf that since she is so upset that drove her to leave, i shall give in and end this tug-of-war. However, i changed my mind and decided that she doesnt deserve my sacrifice. Reason: she came back home herself and was again shouting n screaming, lamenting that her son unfilial, abandons her etc. All these, i heard while i was over the phone with my bf. Imagine, he was in bedroom and she in hall, it was so loud already.
i think i cannot tolerate such behaviour and put my future and relationship with bf at risk when we get married. Thoughts of ending our relationship keeps flooding my mind whenver his mum comes into the pic. But i didnt bear to do it cos he really did put in effort, like quarelling and opposing his mother, which thru out his 30 yrs did not.
I think i am the one who needs counseling and call the helpline now. She's causing me distress n depression..........
Really, please solve this issue first before you and your bf buy a flat. Really worried for you that you'll buy the flat liaoz, then feel compelled to get married for the flat, then once you get married, you'll still be stuck in this situation with his mum for the rest of your life.
Think hard now to avoid regrets in future when it's too late.
melon, i agree with samgirl. you've seen my story. really there's only so much her son can do... don't get caught in my situation. it becomes even more heartbreaking for all involved once you sign the papers.
don't worry, i have no intention of shifting back. my husband has called me several times saying he doesn't wish for divorce.
my lawyer shld be sending a letter to my hb anytime now to request for separation & that he pay me some rental in return for his (and his mom's) continued stay at our flat.
my hb is suggesting that we get a 3-room flat, buy it in his mom's name, and the 2 of us stay there while his mom stay at our 5-room flat.
i was telling him it's only a short-term solution, cos who knows what other ruckus his mom will conjure up? judging from her past actions, who know's maybe one fine day she can claim she got weak heart or suspected illness (doesn't matter if the doctors says she's fine), must stay with son else die alone also no one know, then we'll be back to square one.
in response to that, my hb can only tell me it won't happen, but who's to guarantee that history won't repeat itself, esp when it concerns his mother? i admit i have a bit of a phobia of his mom right now. as u correctly pointed out, who knows what she'll do next?
"my hb is suggesting that we get a 3-room flat, buy it in his mom's name, and the 2 of us stay there while his mom stay at our 5-room flat."
It's like you guys will be staying at his mum's place and this way, won't his mum have an even more say in the "3-room flat" which you guys are staying?
I agree that this is just a short term solution. And I also believe that this is not the first time your hubby has told you "it won't happen".
I feel kinda bad to be seemed as persuading you against going back to your hubby...but really, as a gal's point of view, I feel that since your hubby is not capable of protecting you, then it's about time you did something to protect yourself. It's good that your lawyer came up with the suggestion of requesting rental from your hubby & his mum since the flat they are staying now rightfully belongs to you. These are facts of law and even though the mum says she has a claim to the flat also no use cos it's invalid. Just her own ignorant wishful thinking.
I foresee, once your hubby tells his mum that they need to pay rental to you for their stay at the place, his mum is sure to kick up yet another big fuss. Imagine, you've already shifted out for quite some time liaoz and yet, she's still so stubborn in making life hell for you...don't think it'll die down anytime soon.
i can imagine what will happen once her son received the lawyer's letter. i'll sure to kenna scolding from her. she prob still thinks i'm like her - playing strategy games by leaving home like that.
if only staying separately is a solution to all problems, i wouldn't mind. but knowing my mil's style, it will only be a matter of time when she throws another fuss. that's the thing i'm not ready to face.
like melon's future mil, my mil has tried all methods - guilt & tears, threatening suicide, 'running away' from home, roping relatives in to scold us, screaming & shouting... u name it, she's done it. which is why i can see where melon's mil is heading towards. i don't wish for anyone to land in the same situation as i did.
You've been through so much crap and drama!!! Your MIL like out of some soap opera *rolls eyes* terrible woman!!!
Yes it's only right for you to claim a rental fee when you are not living in that flat anymore. I do have friends who are doing that. Or paying a rental to ex-spouse... when continuing to stay after divorce and ex-spouse moved out. Otherwise get an evaluation for the flat and claim half of the flat's current market rate from them, and don't have to bother about them again.
altot I dun wish to c couples go their separate ways (since I'll be gettin ROM soon), but ur situation reali make me pray tat u will b able to start ur life fresh again...
Ur hb seems to be tryin his best to resolve the MIL issues but den again, as long as root of all the problems are not resolved, dere wun b much peace for u in the long run. Btw, I do respect u for sticking to ur decision nt to move back despite the fact tat ur hb has been tryin his best to win u back to ur common home again.
Do hang in dere and dun worry abt ur MIL's reaction when ur hb rec'd the lawyer's letter. Ur MIL can make a nuisance watever, u wun b dere to witness the drama, so dun haf to tink so far. Juz continue to hold onto ur decision, at least she noes u mean biz.
hi pink button,
have been following ur story, i got a feeling that ur MIL is the one suggessting "my hb is suggesting that we get a 3-room flat, buy it in his mom's name, and the 2 of us stay there while his mom stay at our 5-room flat."
Since u are earning more than ur hubby, and ur MIL sure know u r paying for most of the things. i think u is trying to squeeze more money out from you. Pls becareful.
I was in similar situation as you. I loved my bf but his mom was really a terror. I tried as hard to get along with her including bringing her on a trip with me but she simply doesn't like me for whatever reason and spread malicious rumours behind my back. It din make matters better when my bf yelled at her for some matters which she felt i was behind it. It became so nasty that they do not welcome me anymore. Til now, I still do not know what I had done wrong to deserve all these lambasting.
A 2 years plus relationship thus ended on a bad note after much delibration. As much as I wanted to get married to him, but the pressure was getting too much for me to bear. We had gone to a counsellor before but that did help the situation.
At the end of the day, it's "ta ni bu dao" to cause a rift between him and his mother. If my presence make her so uncomfortable and him having to quarrel with her daily, it's better for me to go and for him to find someone better. The last straw came when I realised, he was chatting up young girl flirtatiously on the cyberspace and behaving amorously with his female colleagues.
I can only wish him all the best.
By all faith, I wish you and your bf all the best. Mine is just a sad situation.
my fil has the habit to come to my house or pass thg to us without informing us first. (we live v near). told hb to talk to his fil call me first then come. he jz didnt listen to hb. i think he told him like 10x n fil jz didnt listen n came anyway like 50x?
i am v angry everytime he came he will knock the door v hard, n never bother to use the doorbell. n one knock expect me to open the door at once.
one time he came again while i was bathing, he knocked n i cant come out, he then left n when i was out fr toilet, he called n interrogate y i didnt open the door jz now. since then i hate to c him if he didnt inform me first.
last nite he did the same, i am v angry, i dun wanna open the door, so i let him knock. then his knocks turn into loud knock n then bang the door, somemore shake the gate!
i am v angry, then i called hb immed, told him fil behavoour n told hb straight that i wont open door. coz i hate fil expect me to ans door whenever he knocks, n never bother to call me!
hb later call fil. kknow wat? fil jz here to deliever a letter, a simple advertisement letter by bank.
i dun understand y fil
1. dun want to inform me b4 coming up
2. dun want to press doorbell
3.knock then bang door furiously
4.dun put the letter in my letterbox,
the letter is not somethg life n death, y he so gangcheong deliever at my doorstep?
even a delivery man wont bang the door if no one ans the door. i dunno what my lettervbox is for..
really frustated n irriated by fil's actions.
hope this post wont upset some of the reader, pls forgive me for using harsh words, coz i really v angry!
haha! your FIL need anger mgt control. if me i won't open the door also. i will just say i'm not at home (even if i'm in), went out to run errands or bathing or sleeping.. so this teaches him to CALL before coming... he machiam wanna check what u are doing..
hi janica, i support u too.. he sounds liek a big ear long (his side line arh?)i tink maybe u can sa jiao to your hb and tell him that u get reallie frighten when your FIL does that and tell him to tell his dad to call in future. say that the more he bang like that the more u wont open door cos very scary. sure to work...
don't quite understand. If you are in bath room ok no choice can't open door immediately. But if you are at home not doing anything, how is it so difficult to open the door and ask him what he wanted?
Obviously he knows that you are in and that is why he kept banging the door. He must be wondering why you refused to open the door. Yes, he may be rude in banging the door very hard but isnt it rude not to open the door on purpose?
What if your father is the one knocking on the door, will you open?
SM, i think janica felt she is not given the respect she should at least have being the owner... i wouldn't like even my mum to come over without informing 1st... and i think janica FIL probably isn't even confirmed she is at home but just came over and bang door.. thats why she felt pissed. imagine it is disgraceful cos the neighbours can hear too ya...
janica tell your husband you dun wear anything while alone at home. so when FIL come knocking out of a sudden, you get frightened. Tell him to say that to your FIL. haha.. maybe he confirm stop after that
Why not tell your fil tat he bang door so loud neighbours complain to town council, ask him to use door bell, and maybe you personally tell him in a very nice tone that sometimes you may be bathing or out or making grand children for him, bu fang bian open door, it's better he call first to avoid wasting his time. Think it will work if you were the one who bring it across to him, but remember, tone must be nice.
i really want to tell fil personally, but he doesnt seem interested in talking to me...whenever i talk to him or he ask me qtns, he wont look at me at all.
n he will jz keep it short n b4 i want to ans him or talk back to him, he will walk away.
i duno if i am that scary that he tries to avoid me as far as possible.
hv told hb abt it, he said fil is like that, but i dun feel likewise, coz fil sure doesnt do the same to him or sil or mil...
few times when i opened the door for him, i like to tell him press doorbell, but he will jz pass me the thgs thru the gate n cant wait to leave. so i cant even say goodbye to him, but i will yell goodbye anyway.
wat shd i do?
now i only depend on my hb to talk to fil abt last nite incident. hope that i wont experience it again.
he is 60, sec sch level..i think mayb he angry w/ me for not opening door. but i am not sure if he knows i am actually in the hse or not. if he not sure but bang the door anyway, i will think he is out of his mind
I just want to share that although I don't agree with the way your FIL is behaving, your FIL prob does not mean much harm to you and your husband. It may be in his nature to behave like this. Maybe he is short tempered so bangs on the door. I feel ILs are so old already, if we can just ignore, or if it doesn't hurt us so much, just try to ignore lah. Complain once in a while is okay but resentment can harm us without us realising it. If you've decided to just ignore him if he bangs on the door, then just continue to ignore him. There's nothign much he can do anyway, except mayube complain to your MIL or husband.
Your hb is really good to you. I know of some husbands and wifes who would just take sides with their own parents no matter how unreasonable those parents are. Your FIL probably has some problems understanding that a home of his son is not his own home and therefore, should be respected. And banging down the doors is a sign of disrespect. Hopefully things get better. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!