A Place To Vent Anger on Monster In Laws


lesc

New Member
hi,

i am very frustrated with my parents-in-law.
Wver since my boy is born, they would come and disturb. No doubt they love him but is causing me stress and anger.

I have since put him in childcare but they woud say things like i dun care abt him and dun love him since he is oni 19mths old.

I have been very frustrated as they would make hurtful remarks as if i am not a good mother.

But they are unable to take care of him. They let him watch tv the whole day, climb on table and dun even realise that he is having fever of up to 39. They were several occasion that she dun even realise that he is sick

Whenever my son is sick, they would push the blame away so as to divert responsiblity ... ...

I am doing this for myself and my son by sending him to childcare.
 

goooogal

New Member
Hey bel, I got an ex-colleague who's in the same position as you (dun tell me you're her :p)! Just do whatever you think is necessary and of coz make sure your hb supports you on this. Ignore what your ILs say cos they're not helping much anyway.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
thanks, everyone.

i haven't sought any legal advice yet... my mom has been pushing me to. think at the back of my mind i'm also holding back. although i do know that it's prob best to just move on.
 

cys

New Member
dun understand why U holding back. cannot be husband & wife still can be friends. Sometimes in life we have to make certain decisions to ensure our survival, otherwise you'll go crazy carrying all the emotional baggage.
 

rara

New Member
pinkbuttons, take some time to get used to living on ur own outside first before taking the next step? it's understandable that ur mum is anxious and concerned about ur well-being, but do take things at ur own pace. perhaps a short getaway might do good. it might be easier to come to a decision when u've found the way to live ur own happy life again.

take great care!
 

cho

New Member
maybe PB still hopes for the situation to turn ard?

sumtimes we may not do things which seems so outright logical and apparent to others..

i guess it takes time..?
 

cecilialim

Active Member
i feel u shouldn't torture yourself further... if that guy really belongs to you, no matter what he will still be yours ... but now nothing shows u are the one that he is willing to shiled and take care for the rest of his life, so what is the poinT? nd by saying move back and divorce after 3 years, i could have slapped him hard on his face
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
yah, i know... i shld be more selfish & start thinking of myself...

guess now u all shld wish me luck, and hope that i can meet someone better! =)
 

simpleman

Active Member
pb, Actually there is no need to seek any legal advice yet. Just take a break and recharge yourself first.

In this case if you are waiting for the 3 years separation, there isnt much need for legal action for the time being.
 

vvn

New Member
hey pinkbuttons, so gald you've put your mind and make a decision.

yep good luck, you definetely will be able to meet someone better.
 

vvn

New Member
bel,

dun feel too bad abt what they say. i agree with ggal, must have hb's support on this and that's it.

if they say anymore abt not loving the child, you can say 'at least now i can always blame the childcare center' wah rao, how can they not know when a baby is having high fever?
 

rara

New Member
hey pb, not sure if u read chinese, but here're some lyrics to share.

有时候 走过一段路
心æ‰ä¼šæ¸…澈 也æ‰ä¼šçœ‹åˆ°

关于爱 延伸的滋味
ä¸è¦åŽ»å‘酵 仔细æ€è€ƒ

爱过的他
å’Œæµè¿‡çš„泪
都会是ç贵的记å·
忘ä¸å¿˜ã€€ä¸é‡è¦

åªè¦å‡†å¤‡å¥½ã€€æ˜Žå¤©çš„微笑
无论在天涯海角
相信爱 总会åƒæ–¹ç™¾è®¡æŠŠä½ å¯»æ‰¾
å¯èƒ½ä»– 终于明了你有多好
想回头 æœä½ å¥”è·‘

åªè¦å‡†å¤‡å¥½ã€€æ˜Žå¤©çš„微笑
当你想拥抱
爱总会 出其ä¸æ„é™é™æ‚„æ‚„æ¥åˆ°
也许在 生命里的æŸä¸ªè½¬è§’
å¦ä¸€ä¸ªäººã€€ä¼šç»™ä½ é»˜å¥‘相åŒå¾®ç¬‘

whatever it is, stay strong, and let happiness find you again!
 

sway

New Member
Dear PB,

We have very similar mil, but my Chinese horoscope definately not crushed with hers because I can get along very well with people under the same horoscope as her (that included my mother) while she forever has problem living in harmony with all living creatures in this world, I heard even her dog disliked her when it was still around. Lately I'm having problems with my mil again that makes the thought of divorce with my hb getting stronger each day.

Same as yours, my mil likes to call hb on his hp to complain about this and that person for several times a day and at least 30 mins each time. It's so irritating to go out with your hb but you can't talk to him because he's on the phone at most time, and I hear no news from him for the whole day if he isn't with me because he is occupied by his mother. She'll call and ask me why hb doesn't answer her calls as often as he used to, I told her he's most probably busy at work...... but please lah, how would I know when I'm not at his side?

My job requires me to be on the phone or meeting my clients including weekends, sometimes I even have to work from 8am and back home past 12am, but my mil doesn't understand at all. Knowing she likes to call me for nothing important, I'll ignore when I see missed calls from her while I was on the line with my clients and it was the biggest mistake to return her call.

One day, I called her back by the next second I ended my call with client which was less than 5 seconds after she called. She started to raise voice at me asking why I always either taking forever to answer her calls or not answering it? I explained to her I was on the line with my potential client and it's not so nice for me to always tell them I'll call them back later, and she scolded me loudly "fang ni de gou pi! who says it's not so good to do this when you're at work? if a client doesn't want to wait for you to call him back later then forget about doing business with him, next time you better answer my call!" Then she asked me to go Penang with her to attend her distance relative's wedding (she has plenty of these for us). Knowing she'll be going with my sil and the rest of her family, I told her this time I'll not be going with her because I have to work and will be very busy on that few days. Again she raised her voice and shouted at me over the phone for putting my work before the trip. I explained to her in tears that I'm working so hard because besides supporting my retired parents, I'm paying for about 70% of my own family expenses because her son, my hb doesn't earn enough (in fact it's because he spent a lot on her) to allow me to get away from work. Anyway she still think it's nothing big deal to take one week's leave for every quarter of the year, change a job if they don't allow me to do this, She also thinks I should spend my weekends going shopping with her like how my sister-in-law (her daughter) does, she's always angry with me when I told her I'm working or want to catch up with some sleep.

We visit my mil once everyweek and I can't miss the visit no matter how tired I am, but my mil is unhappy when she knows my hb is at my parents' place.Because of this I always go back to my parents' place alone but she is still complaining to others that I'm married to her family yet visiting my parents for almost everyweek. What's wrong with this? My mil is staying with her own daughter, gets to see her and the grandchildren everyday and she's still complaining a lot about her sil bringing my sil and the children to visit his parents during weekends. My mil says I'm married to her family so shouldn't go home regularly, her daughter married to other's family also can't visit her in-laws too?

Yesterday I was so busy with my tight scheduled works and she called. I'm sorry to say that lately useless me have started to answer her calls almost immediately like they are zillion dollars deals that can't be missed. Again, she's talking about something not important (asking me to apply a supplementary credit card for her friend's daughter from China). I told her I'll give it a consider (she doesn't take no for answer) and will get back to her again because I am SUPER busy now to rush for some urgent documents, but she refused to end the conversation until I lost my patience...... not too badly kind but just not the usual sweet and polite tone. Just as I expected, she called and complained to my hb, my sil and fil that I'm in my bad day and throwing tantrum at her over nothing. Again, my hb knows what happened but not taking the opportunity to educate his mother that it's not right for her to keep calling people at work for long duration especially when they're very busy. Hearing only my mil's side of the story, my fil and sil called hb to concern about what happened between my mil and I, this has again caused hb to feel stress and voice raising at me.

We're no longer newly married, I've given enough time hoping hb to educate his mother (even sil's husband agreed they ought to do so) but all he knows is to tell me "what you expect me to do when she's my mother? I can't choose what kind of mother I want!" I answered him in heart "you can't choose your mother and you refused to educate her, but you can choose a new wife until you find a woman who can handle your mother". I'm seriously consider to end the marriage, my father supports my decision but my mother thinks put asides that I'm no longer in my sweet 20-something, it doesn't bring good to a woman to divorce too, especially that my hb is a perfect husband if it's not because of his mother.
 

eighty

New Member
My future MIL has been very nosey in our wedding plans. She has a lot of suggestions which are NOT what we want so my FH will reject them but she'd get unhappy and grumbly.

We got a master to give us dates and the ones that we managed to book at the banquet venues, his mum says isn't a good date to get married and refused to let us use those dates.

It was his mum who was rushing us to get married in the first place. She wants us to do it within this year but it is impossible as all the places that we like are already entirely booked.

Now I want to go ahead with the "bad date" next year, if not we'd be postponing our wedding till months later, but my FH is afraid that his mum and aunties and grandmas will all come and nag us nonstop and we'd have no peace in future.

What's worse? I'm moving in to stay with his parents. I'm getting very very frustrated. Don't feel like getting married anymore.
 

eighty

New Member
*HUGS CORRINE*

Your MIL is SO NOT understanding!!! I wish my future MIL won't turn into such a monster-in-law.
sad.gif
And I have to live with her!!!

*HUGS PINKBUTTONS TOO*
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
my mil told my hb to ask me again, that if she moves out does that mean i will move back?

this time i told him straight out that i'm not considering moving back. i've learnt to see thru his mom's tactics by now.

if i say yes, and she does move out, i can predict that she'll complain till all hell breaks loose again to her relatives, & she'll say that her dil drive her out of the house, her son not filial, then she'll demand more money again...

then i can predict my hb will weaken, heart soften & tell her to move back (no matter what, she's still his mother) then we'll be back to square one. there'll be no end...
 

cecilialim

Active Member
corrine... so sad to hear that from you... i should think you dun even answer her calls and or call her back. tell ur hb how you feel, dun just answer him at heart.. he can't read your heart.. and he sholdn't be raising his voice over you for something u have not done wrong...

take care all ladies here... and darn those evil MILs.. i dun understand why they are like this.. were they treaed the same before?
 

simpleman

Active Member
pinkbuttons, Yes, that is right. Your HB is just a puppet and mouthpeice of your MIL. If the basic problem is not solved and MIL don't recognize that and your HB is not standing up to her - you are much better on your own.
 

vvn

New Member
corrine,

so sad to hear from you. Actually I also know one MIL who always call her DIL and talk and talk non-sense, but lucky during non-office hours. but imagine picking up her call in the middle of the night to hear her say things over and over again.

anyway, that MIL is my grandmother. i had my sufferings too because if i am alone with her, she will just talk and talk and complain and complain. but usually we just do our own things and let her talk (in person/ over the phone) and once in a while mutter 'uumm' 'yah'. anyway, all her DIL have now installed answering machines to their phones (the good thing is that she doesn't have my mom's HP)

i guess usually such MIL are overly reliant on others because they probably live on their own and are lonely, or just want attention, and want everyone to do what they say and listen to everything they say.

I hope that your hubby knows that situation you are in and he is with you and understands what you go through. (be it the constant phone harassing or the job thing)

Eighty,

*hugz* may be you try look for alternative wedding venues or something? let the mom know that 'hey most places are booked already so we either have to get married later or change venue"
between dates and venue, there's going to be a compromise - either a not so good (but still not BAD) date, or probably a lunch or something. throw the dilemma back to her and let her decide (then next time she can't blame u liao!)
 

sway

New Member
PB, I don't know how long have you married to make you give up on this marriage, but I strongly agree with you that no matter what hb will still give in to his mother in certain way and slowly the marriage will be back to square one again and again.

I hate my hb for being so forgetful about how his mother has been treating me. How am I supposed to forgive and forget when I'm being mentally tortured for almost everyday before I can forgive what the both of them done to badly hurt me when I was newly married to their family (we stayed together)? I told him about this and just as usual, voice raising at me for bringing up the past. Well, to him anything not happen on that particular day is considered as past and I'm not supposed to bring them up, but he refused to talk about things that happen on the day itself too...... smart way to get himself out of troubles. I'm sure they'll not forgive or forget so easily if it's the daughter from their family who get these treatment. All I need now is more courage to divorce, things have not been turning better but worse. I've became the monster who only knows how to instigate my hb to quarrel with his mother and the dil who ill-treating my oh so nice mil.
 

eighty

New Member
Now I am indeed very scared that my future will be like pinkbuttons' or Corrine's... having second thoughts of going ahead with my wedding already.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
corrine, that's exactly how my hb is behaving. the only difference is it's my mil that's instigating all the quarelling & arguments, creating one scene after another. but my hb puts up with it... if after a few days my mil doesn't make noise, then the two of them will be back to normal again. then i'm the one seen as harbouring a grudge until her next outburst.

like u, i also can't just forgive & forget when me & my family are being treated like sh**.

i've only been married since Dec last year, barely 5 months. some may think it's a bit too soon to consider divorce, others tell me it's good to get out early & not to waste time.
 

vvn

New Member
i think an evil mil is the secondary issue. the most impt thing is that hubby is by ur side, understands the pain u are go thru, and supports you.

so PB, that's y a few ppl think u shld move on. u really do deserve a much better man!
 

cactus_79

New Member
Totally agree with Charly.
It's a husband issue. MIL is secondary. Your husband married you so needs to protect you from unfairness, pinkbuttons.
Would you and your husband be keen to consider counselling before contemplating divorce?
What does your husband feel about your relationship now?
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
my husband seems to be in denial or something. i've moved out, but i get the impression that he's pretending nothing's happened (or going to happen!).
 

cactus_79

New Member
Wow! Then I guess you have to consider if you want to live for the rest of your life with someone who is prone to being in denial when things happen. I don't think he's the type to provide much support in times of need if he is prone to being in denial.

Anyways, just follow your heart, gal. But don't take drastic action just to force your husband to react unless you truly want the consequences of such drastic action.
 

simpleman

Active Member
pinkbuttons, Actually that is a blessing in disguise. Since he is pretending that nothing has happened, just play along lor. On the other hand, he could wake up from the denial state anytime, so be prepared.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
simpleman, why is that a blessing in disguise? being in denial means that nothing has changed, nothing done to make the situation better, nothing resolved.

everything is just hanging in mid air, neither here nor there...
 

simpleman

Active Member
pinkbuttons, he pretends that nothing has happen mean probably you don't mean much to him? Give him a bit more time and if he does not do anything, then your decision to leave is absolutely correct.

What if he decides to beg you to go home? Will you be happier and go home with him? Isnt it better that he is not responding - meaning it is easier for you to walk out and not look back.
 

cactus_79

New Member
pinkbuttons, sometimes when we feel the other party is "laid-back", we may take a rebellious attitude, take some drastic action, to get the person's attention, in the hope that the person will react.

I hope you can stay level-minded and don't take such drastic action unless you really really want to go down that route of walking out on the marriage.

But note - I'm not saying a divorce is bad. What I'm saying is don't force a divorce just to get your husband to react, in the hope he will ask you back home. Cos if he remains "in denial", you may regret having initiated the divorce. When you do something, make sure you mean it and you won't regret making that decision.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
he has asked me to go back. but what's the point of going back to those days of constant stress & scoldings? the situation is still the same, and i doubt my mil will change her attitude. for her to admit she's wrong is like asking her to go to hell...

if i were to go back, likely it means that i have to be prepared to live with her constant rantings & ravings for the rest of my life. it's something which i've seriously thought through, and it's not something i want to live with. my hb & his mother are a package deal... u can't take one without the other. guess that doesn't leave me with much other alternatives, does it?
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hey pinkbuttons,

Try to put aside your MIL first. ASk yourself if your husband can protect you from your MIL in the event you DO go back. I think the answer is a clear NO!

There are cases where MILs are bad. But it is not bleak for a DIL where the husband is able to "control" his mother and make sure his wife is fairly treated.
 

cys

New Member
yea PB, actually you already know the answer - not moving back. Don't think so much already, once you make decision, take and run liao, don't remain at the same spot pacing back & forth.
 

samgirl

New Member
pinkbuttons...

No matter how much your hubby wants you/asks you/begs you to go back...please don't! Until he proves that he is capable of being a man and stand up for his wife, only after that, you then re-consider if you want to move back. But at the moment, please don't be swayed. Because you'll only be back at square 1.

I'm also a newly wed and I usually, I don't advise couples to be seperate...but in your case, I really worry for your sanity if you continue to live in such a household. Even for me as a reader reading this thread, the acts of your mil is already making my blood boil for you!!
 

melon

New Member
Hi Ladies,

Me too hv a fair share of potential MIL problem. She is the reason why me and my bf are not getting married b'cos she doesnt allow her son to move out of the house. It's a long story if i were narrate here. But i feel this urge to burst and vent frustration, so ladies, pls bear with me .... here it goes:

My bf's mum is classified under the possessive n insecure type. Despite my bf is 30 alr, she still doesnt see the fact that her son has grown up and hv need a life, apart fm her. I.e. she refuses to cut the umbilical cord. She laments and is very unhappy whenever he eats out, stays late, sleep late etc. I am fine with this cos my bf was single. But, when we're alr 1 yr into our relationship, she still calls him everynite, asking where is he and chase him to return home. Weekends when we go out, she oso not happy, say he always not at home and scold. When we want to go out for dinner, she not happy too saying we always eat outside food which is all bad bla bla...

Given his mum's unchangeable behv, my bf is finally convinced that me n his mum cant live together, there'll be chaos. It took him a good 1yr to break the news that he intends to move out. Why? cos he know his folks would falre up (they did, his mum cried, refure to zzz, use emotional threat to jump down e flat etc.. as seen in dramas). His mum still REFUSE TO LET GO.
She refuse to let us move out although we assured that we'll get a place near (within walking dist) their existing flat and will come back for dinners on weekdays.

Yes, you may say that we bochap n go ahead n buy our own flat etc. But we can't. Reason : After his parents sold their flat 7yrs back, they insist my bf to buy their family flatunder his SOLE (not joint)name and its financing under his sole cpf. They cite excuses etc to save the resale levy etc etc.... and dreaming the fat hope that their future DIL is ever happy n willing to stay with them. But it backfired.

So now that my bf's name is stuck in their family flat and no cpf cos depleted to finance their family flat. His mum refure to repay my bf the $ he contributed to the family flat in cpf nor let us 'borrow' parents name to buy a resale flat (since his name now under family flat). A lot of drama in between. Finally, his mum says can 'compromise' which is ... she n his dad will move out to a smaller flat since she insist they do not want to live a big flat if the folks stay alone, but.... will ONLY move if there is a suitable unit in the same block of their existing family flat. We checked with our agents, there r no flats on sale at the moment. But she doesnt care. I knew its just an excuse. Like what i told my bf aft i got sooooo frustrated : its like she says will let us go but place mouse traps along the way, making it impossible.

The last straw come when my bf told me that when he told his mum if she doesnt let go and insist, then he'll not get married. Guess wats her reply ... "Nvm, i'll find another gal for u" .. I was hurt to the core! Its like a knife pierced into my heart. I can only conclude that she had acted to be nice all these while and hates me for snatching her son away.

I know we can never work out staying together, i'll go insane one day. I hv not gone over to my bf hse for 3mth already. He says his mother asked is i were afraid of her... I laughed and told my bf, yea, i'm sooo afraid she'll become the reason for our divorce if we ever get married. I'm so afarid of her tatics to be mean towards DIL, i'm so afraid of her emotional blackmail and treatening that me n bf always end up giving in to her and finally, i'm afraid of her endless unreasonable demands and the ONLY source of me n my bf's quarrel.

I thot of giving up my rs many times cos of her..

I would like to print out the posts in this thread. Anybody knows if there's a 'print-friendly' version?
 

samgirl

New Member
I think...many divorces due to mother in law issues can be prevented. Because, since before marriage, you already can't stand your bf's mum/family...then you should know that just by getting married won't change the relationship (for better). I've a friend who's also telling me how much she can't stand her bf's mum, and her bf is very heck-care and don't really stand up for my friend...so I advised her to re-consider the wedding. Because, if she can't stand her now, she will still won't stand her after marriage...and thus, will lead to future fights and quarels.

Resolve all issues BEFORE marriage.
 

janicachan

New Member
i stay near my ILs, jz few blks away. mil will always ask fil to send some food or stuff over to my place.

last time they will jz show themselves up at my house (they got my house key- big mistake!) then i complained to hb that ILs shd respect us by not opening the door, instead they shd call first b4 visiting.

then things went ok.

recently, fil will suddenly knock my door n expect me to open door, everytime. he will not call in advance to chk if i am around or not.

most of the time i am at home the time he comes up, so nothing happened.

last nite, while i am showering, he knocked the door, i cant come out, then he started knocking harder, n call my home (now only call!). i hvnt finsished shower so cant come out to ans door.

after few mins he left. 1o mins later he called again n i was out then, when i said "hello?" without identify himself or ask who i am, he shouted:

fil: u not at home meh?
me: yes i am
fil: y never open door?
me:was showering
fil:will pass things to u later (hung up)

i am v angry, coz he cant expect me to ans door every time, i am not 24/7 on call to ans door. if he dun want no1 ans door, isnt it logic to call first to chk if i am home?

the problem is he dun bother to call, n expect me stay at home every sec.

then after 2 hrs, he came again. this time, he also didnt call first. within these 2 hrs, i dun dare to go toilet, coz afraid he will knock door n i delay in opening the door.

it is a bad move to stay near them.

somemore, whenever he calls to look for my hb, when i ans the call, he will never say who he is n ask who i am. he expects me to recognise his voice the moment he speaks.

i think this is bad telephone manner.
 

jycs

New Member
I doubt your BF can do anything to the folks unless he sell the flat and buy another flat with both your names. You have to consider your rs with BF if you are not willing to stay with his parents. It's cheap to get married but cost $$$ to end.
 

pinkbuttons

New Member
melon, i think it's impt that u resolve all issues before getting married. speaking from experience, it'll be havoc if it's left till after marriage...

your future mil reminds me of mine. the advantage you have is that she's shown u her behaviour before u commit. mine didn't...
 

tge25

New Member
hai...thats the bad move lor...to give ur keys to ur ILs... realli leh..

never ever give.. even if it means them getting "Sad" that u refuse to give them... try to put the "ceremony of key giving" off...

else hor... every time they free they will let themselves in to ur home..then no difference between living with them or moving out...

coz they will always drop by as and when they like... no privacy leh.. hai...

i am lucky i managed to convince my hb not to give... else.. i be one of the victim wor
 

tge25

New Member
yalor, i think hor..the main problems lies in the hb being a "MUMMY BOY"

maybe shld cut off the umbilical cord. and the hb must learn to be independent...
 

janicachan

New Member
once given the key to ILs, i can never get it back. i agree w/ choc, shd b convince hb not to gv, somehow, my hb convinced me to give, say ILs confirm would not anyhow enter hse.
 

goooogal

New Member
Previous I gave my BILs a set of keys each when they were living w us. After they moved out, they returned us the keys but my MIL retained a set from one of them. It's convenient for them to send us foodstuff when we're out. But they still call us before they come cos we've installed a burglar alarm at our place so they cannot simply open the doors with the keys or it will trigger the alarm. ;) Maybe you can do the same so they cannot simply access your home.
 


melon

New Member
Hi cactus, i cant move out cos my bf doesnt want to spend $ to rent a place and his folks will be mad at us again if we take such drastic measures to avoid staying with them.

I am lost... no solution
 

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