A Place To Vent Anger on Monster In Laws

[janicachan]

Anyone hvg the same mil problem as me?

I dun stay w/ her, but oso feel the pressure. i regret lett'g my hb pass our hse key to her. now she will suddenly come by uninvited, even open the door herself! as if it is her own hse. when she knows hb n i at home, she wont brg key, but will yell at us to open door for her. y nvr press door bell? need to yell? so rude.

sometimes we r tkg our nap in the afternoon and she will yell and knock heavily at the door. we gotta qucikly get up to "greet" her. what a nuisance.

hb has told her not to open the door herself n call b4 coming. yes, she followed. but she will call us like 30 sec b4, while she is in the lift?

too bad we cant resist coz she stay so near us. we cant pretend we r not at home coz she can see fr her house that our windows r open. worse, if we dun ans the door, she will by all means opens it!

 

[cactus_79]

Hmm...seems like your MIL is really making her presence felt!

Change your lock or add a lock to the gate- say you/husband misplaced house keys. For security, just change the lock.
Don't make an extra key for her. Get a digital lock - such locks can only be purchased from the manufacturer of the lock at a very high fee (I think about $50/$60 bucks per key). Tell her it's very expensive and not easy.

Tell your MIL if you are at home, you won't lock the extra lock so she can viist anytime she wants. If you are not at home, you wlil have to lock, for additonal security and you can't give her the key to the lock co sit's very expenseive.

Start by keeping your windows opened when you are out of the house even for a while. This will get her used to the idea that it's hard to tell when you guys are in and when you guys are out.
Sometimes, close the windows when you guys are actually at home. Just switch on the aircon.

You should be able to limit your MIL's visits by occassionally pretending to be out of the house. She can't open the door cos she doesn't have the key to the extra lock. Your MIL will only realise "you are not at home" when she is already at your door step. She may learn to call before coming over next time.

 

[janicachan]

hv told hb to get a additional lock n dun pass her the key, but he refused as he said she is her mother blar~~~

then i bot a latch myself and get him to fix it. so that even if she open the door, she cant open it w/ the latch. but hb refuse to fix the latch to the door, and i dunno how to fix too.

he doesnt like the idea that i prevent her mother fr coming over, whenever i brot up the issue he will b angry.

even when we r sleepg n she yell at the door, hb will sure open door for her. i ask hb to ignore her mother's yelling but he think i am not respectful to her mother.

 

[cactus_79]

Hmm... if it really gets into you, it's best to sit down and seriously speak with your husband about it. If still cannot, then speak to a marriage counselling. Best is to resolve issues with in-laws quick or it may affect marriage. Don't fight the battle alone. You and your hb are either in it together against your MIL or together in it to let her have her way. You and your hb must be not on the different sides.

 

[goooogal]

Hey Janica, you bought a latch ah... sounds like what Ezanne Lee's character in the channel 8 drama did the last time leh.. keke.. Anyway, I also think it's a bit disrespectful lor to lock out your MIL. I know she's irritating, but this kinda thing must be handled sensitively too. Sometimes, must use some "charm" lah. Try to "sa jiao" to your hb about this issue instead of fighting with him. Say something like "dear dear.. I can't sleep with your mum making so much noise at the door leh... You want your honey to look like a panda tomorrow meh??? You know I'm dam grouchy next morning without my 8hrs of sleep lor..." etc etc.. maybe this will work?? Keke..

 

[cactus_79]

think you are very smart, G-gal!

Sometimes, must use soft approach instead of hard approach.

 

[babyfifi]

My suggestion:

Can try getting your mum to help to. Arrange with your mum to put on a good show. Something like:

Since he give his mum the keys, you give yours too. Ask your mum to purposely show up at weird times when you know will frustrate him most. E.g. when he is watching soccer, when he is showering. You can also purposely be not at home, let him deal with your mum. And ask your mum to poke her nose into everything he does. Like why he wear such clothes, etc, etc.

The idea is to get your mum to make him feel frustrated and that his privacy/freedom is intruded upon.

After that, you can sit down with him and talk to him. He will be more open to talking now cos he has experienced the feeling and will not think that it's all your fault, you disrespectful, etc.

His mum will get on your nerves but not his cos he's used to her. And your mum will get on his nerves but not yours cos she's on your side. So the best way to solve the problem is to not let anyone have keys. Be fair. All the parents have to call before they visit. Else they will not be admitted.

Disclaimer: This will not work if your mum is not the kind that can help you put on a good show or is the kind that will hog on to the key as well.

 

[goooogal]

Wow.. fifi... you take the cake liao!!! Yes, janica, ask your parents to help you out lah..Ask them to come and visit every World Cup, Euro Cup, Tiger Cup, any Cup... and better still, bring some other relatives along.. pretend they never see your house before!

 

[babyfifi]

Cos I realised the only way to get through to the men is to let them experience themselves ma... else talk until mouth dry also no use de.

 

[babyfifi]

So how's the situation now?

 

[redshoes]

We should make it compulsory for all parents to attend Marriage Preparation Course: In-laws Series.

Rule #1: Your child has grown up, it's time for him/her to make her own decisions
Rule #2: When your child gets married, he/she will have his/her own family with his/her spouse
Rule #3: Respect their property
Rule #4: Respect your Son/Daughter-in-Law like you would like them to respect you
Rule #5: Do not interfere with the way they should bring their children up
Rule #6: Blah blah blah

Legislators, are you reading?

 

[noxy]

redshoes, this is a good one man!!!!!!!! kudos to you to think of such a course!

Rule #6: Do not use emotional blackmail

we should ask the rest of the gerls to add on to the list

 

[cactus_79]

very good idea but MPC's aren't even compulsory now.. unless you are a catholic.. that it..

It's very hard to legislate something to do with human relationships.

Remember all the debate about the parents maintanece act? There were pple saying it should not be made law cos it's relatnioships. it's a social/moral obligation. cannto be legal.

 

[monizz]

redshoes,

agreed with ur Rule #1: Your child has grown up, it's time for him/her to make her own decisions

as i find there r still some parents treated their children like a kid even he/she is married! my advise to some elders who read here; it's time to "let go"! i believe, many married couple don't like their married life r being interfee & under the "parents or in-laws" control!

 

[powder]

actually if we all start 'working on' the family dynamics to be treated like adult-peers before we even venture into dating, we would not have this problem.

25yrs of treating our kids like kids, and suddenly at 25 they want us to treat them like adults... it's not easy either, not unless this son/daughter of ours has proven him/herself to be able to make good decisions.

when parents dun trust their kids, do we even question if it's becos the kid is the 'dun know how to think' kind? of cos, some parents can be stubborn mules.

i hope when our kids are all young adults, tat we can remember this thread and the things we say....

janica's case quite scary i must say. the hubby has to 'educate' the mum. if i'm hubby i'll just tell mum 3 times... if it doesn't work i'll personally change the locks myself. keke

 

[goooogal]

Ya it's true that it's hard to change the way parents view their kids as children if the kids have not been behaving like adults. Take my BILs for example. Even though they are only a few yrs younger than my hb, my ILs still help them with the housework. For me, my parents have always given me the leeway to make my own decisions... which school I wanted to attend, what course to take, etc. I've been quite independent as an only child and maybe that's why my parents have been quite hands off. Sometimes I can't stand how my ILs mollycoddle my BILs...

 

[powder]

exactly... when your parents gave u the prerogative, u prob made decisions responsibly (whether right/wrong) and gained their trust over the years... so much so tat they can trust your taste and believe tat u can stand on your own... something like tat...

we shuld not skip this step and suddenly Expect to be treated like adults simply cos we're getting married... it's not a sudden thing tat we're gonna get married, so best start early in building this trust. for the horrid parents, this does not apply of cos.

 

[redshoes]

Unfortunately for Janica, her hubby doesn't seem to really be on her side when it comes to the MIL & key issue.

The thing is... a marriage is the sole union of the husband and the wife. The extended family may come along with it, but it is not a right for them to interfere in the ongoings of the family nucleus. Problem is when some folks (or spouses) don't realise that, and feel that they (the parents) have a right to say "it's my way or the highway."

 

[powder]

ya, this type is the 'pull-hair' type of situations... i totally understand...

 

[tge25]

Hi to everyone...
i too experience the hand over key to MIL issue few months back when my new house had completed renovation..

MIL ask for the keys to our house so that she can bring her frens to come our house see see look look and watch tv (my god... dun she have a tv at home??)... and of coz is to let herself in as and when she likes lar...

the moment i hear of this...in my heart is strongly disapprove... i just smile smile...

my hubby reassure me that he will nt give her the key... then u noe wat...MIL know tt we are nt giving her the key... she got angry... then act upset lar.. say she will nt ask for our keys anymore (tts great!!)...

then..things changed! my hb called me up to say his mum upset.. wanted to pass her the keys...

wah! i so angry... i told him no way am i passing her the key... if this is the case..we might as well move in with her..sell the new house.. i wun compromised lor.. i was prepared to file for a divorce at tt time...

then.. lucky he told his mum no lor...

till now..i still feel tt MIL want to invade my house

 

[bluebells]

I told my hubby, if you want to give the house keys to your mum then give loh; but be prepared that everytime you give, I will change the lock. Haha.

 

[janetwedding]

Hi Blue, I wuld suggest tat both of u muz have a neutral understanding between the "keys issue" I do have a futures-mother-in-law who is so hard to deal with. She can call me at 3am and shout at me for non-stop everytime after my quarrel with my FH. We were together for 9 yrs and will tie our knots 2 yrs later. I came to a conclusion and told my FH abt his mum. He confronted his mum and his mum admit to what she did. urghhhhh... So i tried many many many times to explain how she affected my mood and life, now she stop doing that. Let the men do the job, it will definately place a nicer situation.

 

[goooogal]

Hi Janet, I agree with what you said about letting the men do the job (ie be the peacemaker and negotiator) but sometimes if the guy is too much of a mama's boy, it's tough lah. I'm surprised that your FMIL is so mean to you even when you and your FH have been together for 9 yrs.

Bluebells, I like your style!! Keke...

 

[latino]

that's a good one...bluebells !! hahah

 

[janetwedding]

G-gals, I told my bf, if his mum is not changing for good, I will not want to be part of his family, so we wait and wait and wait, haha... I wuld say his mum cant do much on me as I dont see her very often, n she dont cal and nag anymore, so my perception on her had change a bit. But wenever I think of how she came to disturb me and my family in the middle of the nite, my smoke comes out.

Yep, I agree its very difficult to influence a mummy-boy.

 

[tge25]

yah...especially when it comes to mama boy... no matter whether u right anot... u are still wrong in the eyes of a mama boy...

COZ! in the eyes of mama boy, mummy is always right...
hai... so... never go against the mama openly...

do it without being discovered... hahaa

 

[janicachan]

altho my hb is not a mama boy, he respect her like she is a queen. even my fil doesnt hv a say in their home. my mil is kinda tyrant. her words are commands. and my fil, hb n sil all listen to my mil, even they know sometimes mil is wrong. so for me, wat to do? even mil's family support her so much. i sure do not hv a say.

i really regret i agree to pass the key to her. any dil or fdil, take my advice, never ever pass key to mil, even ur hb assure u that their mothers will call first b4 visiting. most of the time, mil wont coz they think it's their rite to come to son's hse.

 

[bluebells]

Janet,

Thanks. Actually, I have been married for 7 years already.

My relationship with my MIL is pretty formal. Even if I am unhappy with some of the things being said when I visit her (I visit her every alternate weekend for dinner all these while), I will just pull a long face until I leave. What happens at her house, I can tolerate. I usually raise any issues with my hubby, discuss it over, and we will agree on the course of actions should it happen again when we next visit her, ie. hubby will be responsible to tell her off, cause if I do, it will be 一针è§è¡€, given my character. To save my MIL's tears, he better do it.

Anyway, since neither of us owns 51% of our flat, it was also agreed with my husband that if he should want to pass the keys to my MIL, I have to give my blessings first. Likewise, I will also need to have his blessings if I should want to give the house keys to my mum. Otherwise, it will be locks changing every now and then loh.. haha

There was once my MIL dropped by with a bag of fruits to visit unannounced. Unfortunately, we were out. So we advised her to call before dropping by. That was the one and only once. And the last time she visited my place was during my last confinement years back. We visit her often enough, so she doesn't see the need to drop by our place, which is probably better. But... sometimes, I can't deny that I really wished I don't have to visit her so often, no common topic to talk about, can't even gossip; but really have no choice because I can't deny her the rights to see her son and grandchildren, right?

 

[janicachan]

hi bluebells,

during ur confinement, did ur mil always pop by ur house? or did ur mil "teach" u how to take care of the bb n so on? how can u deal w/ such a situation where the mil trying to take charge of the bb. wat advice u can gv to the dil who has jz delivered or doing confinement?

 

[tge25]

heheee..

i believe such MIL sure drop by more often to "Teach" u how to take care of bb....

 

[janicachan]

hi choc,

i dun hv a bb yet, but i am oso quite sure my mil will teach me how to tk care of the bb too.

did u oso suffer w/ it? how do u deal w/ it.

i see how my mil teach my sis in law abt bb caring, i nearly fainted. my sil doesnt hv a say in her own bb. mil will always in charge of the bb like bathing, feeding. my sil only can hold the bb when my mil is bz w/ her own thgs.

if i were my sil, i will b sad n angry that i only can hold my bb w/ the permission of my mil.

i dun understand y the grandma always want to "own" the grandchild n do not let its own parents to in charge of the bb.

 

[tge25]

hellow janica,

I just got married recently mah...so no plans for bb yet...

even if have...i also wun let the mil live with me to take care of bb,....

so hopegfully it wun happen lar...chey..how can the mil keep holding the bb and not let ur SIL carry...

hai.... nitemare hor!

 

[bluebells]

Hi Janica,

She didn't try to teach me anything. The one thing I can't stand was, while I was breast feeding my girl in the hospital, she will disregard everything, and walk right in front of me, and look at me breast feed. I thought it was so rude of her. Even my own mum waited patiently for me to finish before stepping in. I voice my unhappiness to my hubby loh. So when we we went home, I breast feed with a lock door if she is around. She asked my hubby why must lock the door, it's up to my hubby to reply her, I don't care. Be firm, be yourself, make your stand and have your hubby stand by you. If your hubby is with you, he will handle your MIL for you.

 

[janicachan]

hi bluebells,

I can understand how u feel exactly. some mils jz dunno how to "zi dong". they r as if they r superior than dils.

I think my mil is somewat similar to ur mil. there was once i was sick n slept in my room when my mil came over. after she know i was sleepg, she opened my room door n chk me out. she woke me up n ask me wat happened. told her i was sick and she ordered me to wake up to eat her food she bought over.

sometimes mil tends to act blur. i think she know y u lock the door. to prevent her fr intruding. but she mayb purposely ask y lock the door. as if she purposely let u know that she knows ur trick.

 

[babyfifi]

Hi all, need some advice.

My FH does not get along with his father. It's actually not just dun get along, but more like hate. For our wedding, he does not intend to include his father at all. As I want my FH to be happy, I will respect his decision. Furthermore, my personal opinion is that his father destroyed the family relations by his own actions.

Yesterday, my FH brought up meeting my parents to his mum. He also told his mum that he does not want his father to go. His mum, of coz, was not too happy as she is the kind that is very afraid of her husband or his family scolding her.

When I called my FH yesterday night, he was sleeping. His mum was the one who answered and cos she recognised my voice, she complain to me. Then want me to talk my FH round, to let his father be included.

She actually told me that if his father is not included, then she also won't turn up because she is afraid he and hsi family will scold her, say that she dunno how to teach her son (my FH's parents are the old fashioned kind that think that bringing up the children is the mother's job).

She also said that if don't want to include the father, then we should just ROM quietly and be done with it.

I am quite angry about this because how can she tell me to ROM quietly and keep it quiet. And how can she dun want to go to her son's wedding cos she is scared people will scold her?

In the end, I told her frankly that there is nothing I can do. This is true cos my FH is adament that he will not include his father. I personally also dun want to include the father cos I dun want my wedding to be ruined by the father's messy life and the father-son fights. His father is the one who destroy his family relations, not anyone else. I cannot imagine the kind of childhood and life my FH had.

But in this way, i will "offend" my future MIL. How?

 

[bluebells]

Janica,

Actually it wasn't any tricks on my part. It's just that since young, my family has always slept with a closed and locked bedroom door, vs my hubby's family's open door sleeping concept. So it is only natural that I do the same in my own home. I am very particular about my room and bed. My room door is closed all the times, regardless or whether we are home or not, or in the room or not.

 

[cactus_79]

Your MIL should know your husband's personality. It's probably a last ditch effort by your MIL to get her son to change his mind.

Don't think you need to care about her suggestion to ROM quietly. Just continue with your plans as normal. After all, it's a wedding between you and your FH. If you guys are paying all the $, you guys can make it as "big" an affair as possible. See how your FH feels about keeping ROM quiet or make it a nice celebration.

 

[babyfifi]

Cactus,
my FH is those "anything" kind de. As long as I'm happy, just ROM also can, "big" also can. Now I dunno want small (Church wedding only) or big (+ banquet).

I just feel that before I get married already so much trouble. What more next time.

 

[cactus_79]

actually, as long as you and your FH stay united in the decisions you make from now onwards, I don't think you need to be bothered with your in-laws. It's possible to have a neutral relationship with your in-laws even if your FH upsets them.
ANyway, the way I see it is not trouble between you and your in-laws. It's something between your in-laws and their son. They should know their son best and they may try to put some pressure on you as last effort. But they know you are not the cause as their son has not changed in any way.

 

[babyfifi]

Shld I go ahead with the banquet? How to explain if his family is totally absent?

 

[cactus_79]

I feel this is an issue which you and your husband should discuss. You can't be expected to make any decision cos it's not your family. You should not be expected to explain anything as it appears to be an issue between your husband and his family. I don't see why you should be dragged into it at all.

Why don't you just tell your husband what your in-laws said to you?

Then tell him that you hope both sides of the family can be happy cos wedding is a happy event.

See what your husband say.

if your husband refuses to budge, then no choice but to do wedding without his family right?

As for your in-laws, you just tell them that you understand their concerns, but it's a matter between your husband and them. You will raise the issue with your husband, but tell them you can't promise anything because your husband has a mind of his own.

 

[babyfifi]

I guess so. Thanks for your advice cactus.

 

[cactus_79]

sometimes it helps to articulate the issues bothering us. once we do that, the issues become very clear and when emotions are not involved, it becomes almost commonsensical to resolve those issues...

 

[babyfifi]

I agree absolutely. Women need to talk.

Men also need to talk but often they don't. So they die earlier.

 

[cactus_79]

haha!

 

[tge25]

fifi,

i think its best to let your hb know what ur MIL tell u...so that he can handle his family himself...

i heard of one golden rule... never reject ur MIL directly... reject it in a way ur mil dun even noe its u who reject it...

it will make ur life easier...

 

[janicachan]

hi bluebells,

if ur mil ask again y u lock the door, then u tell her u did the same in ur own home w/ u parents. it is ur habit. i think ur mil will not ask u further qtns.

for me, i will carry on my habit, whether my mil likes it or not. its the same as u wont ask ur mil to change bcoz of u rite?

people need to respect one another, esp if u and ur ILs r staying 2gther.

HI choc,

i agree w/ u. we being the DILs better not argue w/ mil directly. get our hb do the job.

 

[tge25]

hanor... else ah... u offended the worst pple in the world... be in deep shit lor...

and your life wun be easy... hahaa... so ah.. sometimes must be fake abit...

although u feel like pulling her hair and kicking tt person... SMILE... force urself to smile and swallow whatever vulgarities u wanted to throw at her...

hahaaa... mostly i bite myself when i feel like screaming at this woman... and i force myself to smile... then i let my hb handle...

 

[babyfifi]

One thing good for me is that after wedding, I will not be living with my MIL. Even when I have kids, I will not let her interfere at all.

After all, my FH's relations with his father is bad and with his mother is just civil.

I'm the rebellious DIL kind. Lolx. But no choice. I dun want my children to be influenced by their overly superstitious (sick = must bath with charm water, drink holy water kind. sick in 7th mth = offend spirits) ways.

 

[janicachan]

hi fifi,

my mil is oso the same kind as urs. she oredi v superstitious one. last time my little niece (my sil's daughter) is sick, my mil said bcoz of the spirit haunting her. i wonder y she didnt think that it is bcoz of the virus attack? many bb tend to get sick easily, not all due to spirits.

in future if i hv bb, i oso wont let my mil take care of it. coz sure she will instruct me this instruct me dat. it will drive a woman crazy, mayb got post natal depression!