A hurtful truth

P

puipui

New Member
After a month of discovering his r/ship with another woman. I been living in anguish, question marks, pains, crying etc. I finally got a reply from him yesterday "I already don't have feelings for you since 2 yrs back!" This statement came with such impact i do not know how to react immediately.

A month ago, i called the oversea nos. stated in the hp bill. Before the call, i mentally already prepared it might not be some good news. Sad to say, the party admitted they are together since
2 yrs old however she didn't know he is married. I thanks her for giving me all these infos. She even advised me to have a good talk with him.

For the whole month, he didn't want to dicuss about this issue, life still goes on as per normal. This period of time, i came in here to read the threads, articles on self-help etc. They were still contacting one another daily.

Yesterday was our 3rd ROM anniversary, a day worth celebration yet it turns out to be such a painful day. Since yesterday morning, i been walking around the house packing my stuffs with so much hurts in me.

Evening time i still prepare dinner for us as per our routine cos he will always have meals at home during weekends. Cooked as my heart bleeds!

He doesn't want to get a divorce cos he doesn't have time to settle the flat not because he still want to save the marriage. He just want to leave it as it is now.

Day in day out, we'll still see one another cos we work together. Now then realised how a fool i have been, trusted him fully with whatever reasons
he gave me whenever i find something is not true.
All his timely overseas trips, same phone nos. etc.

Most of the time, whatever i do, it always consider about him first. Everything changed without me realising it.
 


Hi Pondering

Sad to see that, is both the parent aware of this issue, did u have a good talk with him? what make him do this to u? how long have u all together b4 marriage. maybe u can consult those marriage counsellor that can help.....
 
hi happygolucjy,

how i wish your nick is what i able to do.

My family is not aware of what is going on. Only my sis-in-law (his side) is aware of what is going on.

My father-in-law just dropped by to send me my lunch and he told me he is aware of what is going on from my sis-in-law. He assure me whatever decision i made, he will support me.

If this marriage is not worth saving then let it go. He will help me to find accomdation.

My husband placed all blames on me cos it started when he shifted in my mother's place while waiting for our flat to be. He claimed he were under tremendous stress from my siblings... cannot get along with them etc.

He is not willing to talk about the marriage. So there is no way to get marriage counsellor for help cos it takes two parties to work it out.

I just so badly hurt that these past two years he has been 'acting infront' of me. To others we seem to blissful married. Infact that was just an act.....till now then i realised.
 
sm,

Time will heal right! That what i been consoling myself lately.

It's just too tough managing work & home with him around.
 
Hi Pondering,

U are not alone, at least that ur FIL & SIL is Supporting u... hmmm aren't able to get along with ur silbling, what a stupid reason he can find, not asking him to marry ur sibling, is u are the one marrying to him, actually marriage is like gamble, u either win or lost, u will never know this marriage is successful only when u are at coffin, cause only that day u will know that will ur husband / wife is with u forever so i am always happy go lucky. dun think so much ok, take care of urself. anyway how old are u and ur husband
 
Time won't heal, it just make people forget.

i just wanna ask, are you happy with all these now? We only live once, do what you think that will make ur live happy.
 
simplemii,

Why are you saying time won't heal. All wounds will heal. It is people's attitude that will determine if they want to move on and forget.
 
happygolucky,

I'm 30, he is 4yrs my senior.

Whatever reasons he is giving now is just to cover up his part. His father said he has the habit of pushing all blames to others since young.

Today, he ends work earlier. Came back office to pick me up and told me to have dinner at home. Back to his 'nothing happen' style.

He seems to forgotten what he mentioned to me yesterday.

I must have pampered him too much that why he is taking me for granted. Anytime of the day/nite, if he wants any food i will surely whip up something from the kitchen.

Being lovely & taking care of all his basic needs, issn't these what a husband would want from a wife.

He doesn't want to shift out of the house for the time being and he knew i have no place to go too. So now kind of stuck!! Morever, we work together that even worse.
 
powder,

i do, however now after realising what is going on i no longer feel like one. Contradicting right!

it seems that he just need someone who is able to assist him at work and ensuring all his needs is well taken care at home.

when my father in law came over to send me lunch earlier this afternoon. he did mentioned he doesn't know how to apperciate until he loss it. wonder is that statment trying to make me feel better.
 
it's a mutual thing...

some guys in their 20s may have a subconscious need to transit from present mum to 'new mum'...

some gals who have this strong inclination to nurture, naturally take up the offer and make it a simple transition for the guys... even better if u pay the bills, make meals for him whilst he plays computer games, make the bed, clean the house etc etc...

some pple call her a wife. i see a younger version of Mum.
 
powder,

that exactly how i felt now.....he just need a mum taking care of his needs. it sounds so real with what u mentioned here!!! that exactly what is happening.

he mentioned he wants a separation however with both of us still living under the same house. he mentioned he doesn't have any feelings for me anymore and yet he is behaving as lovely as before. so what is what now. i don't know.
 
i think maybe you should try what your father-in-law had said. let him have a taste of lossing you.
maybe for the time being stay with your best friend's place, if possible?
let him have a taste of how isit like to live without u. mayb he has taken u for granted and doesnt know whether he love u or not at all. mayb he do but is confused by everithing that had happedned and so blinded?
 
angel,

that is the reason why i want him to shift out.... it would be easier for him to shift out rather me. my best friends couldn't accomodate me cos they are staying with inlaws. My parents' place is out too. *sigh*

we are working together so no matter what still be seeing one another.

he can't be confused and blinded by his new love since it happened 2 yrs back till now.
 
Hi Pondering,

I thinking that he also dun want to loss u at no one will spoon feed him and also want to be with that "third party"..... can i suggest that maybe u can move to ur parent house first than see will he call u or what, this is my suggestion la, let him feel the lost and see if he can wake up of his mind, sorry to ask this 2 years or more did both of u have any intercourse as he mentioned he have no feeling for u 2 year back, are u all intending to have customary before this incident start
 
nope...we do not have sexual r/ship and our customary hasn't done yet.

if able to move back to my parents' place i would have leave straight away.

i guess whether at work/home he relies on me...that why i think he is not willing to change whatever that is the norm or routine now.

i will talk to him again and get him to move out till he is able to give me a answer whether he wants a straight divorce or separation 1st.
 
Hi Pondering, u mean that ever since u guys have rom u all have never done any sexual intercourse yet.... is it because of thing, he think that he have no feeling for u... cause i thought most of the guy need it, or is this the reason why he need other gal?
 
hmmm. abit agree with happygolucky, mayb that's the reason? u reject or he didn't initate with u at all?
understand that u are not able to move back to ur parent's place bcos they are not aware of all this. but like u mention, he does not even wan a divorce bcos he doesnt wan to settle on the house, much less ask him to move out. he will deem it as not necessary.
u 2 work tog, meet often in the office. but under the same dept and must work tog everidae? if not, i think shouldn't realli pose a veri big problem.
 
Pondering, you should sort out your own thoughts and know what you want first, and then work from there. What he wants is secondary.
 
happygolucky,

after rom, we didn't so it just carry on from there.

angel,

at work he is my boss so definitely have to face it since we go to work together every morning.

doll,

that wat i m doing now, dont bother too much on his needs and wants.
i need to be more hard hearted right!
 
Omg, he is ur boss..... hai. or he dun want so many gossip at the company so he does not want to come to SEPERATE or what, since u are working together u should know his wherebout every where and then, does ur colleugue aware of this? I think the relationship is not healthy lo, cause u all have been together for so many years but did not even have any thing, what do u think? did he initate to u
 
hmmm.. but why carry on from it? it's abit weird isnt it? i jus dun understand. for a couple still in courtship they had sex, much less for a couple that's married and sleeping on the same bed right? did u 2 talk abt it?
sometimes i think it's wise not to involve with your company colleague esp your boss! sigh. did u ever tot of actualli leaving the company before? i mean not because your husband is in that company hence u would wan to leave. like if my hubby is in the same company as me, even thou i know no prospect i would still stay bcos he's there. but if he's not there, i would definitely leave.
for u, i think the only way out is to try to move away from him. distant yourself. i feel he's jus taking you for granted. ive a fren whose husband is like tat too. and u know why 2 girl? 1 is the 'wife material' and the other one is whom he realli love. dun let him tot that u are just a maid that he employed by giving u a status.
but i find him abit weird also. doesnt he wish to married the other girl? if yes, why wun he wan to divorce u jus bcos he find it troublesome? too many qns mark
 
Pondering, you need only to be kinder to yourself. By the way, is your husband the owner of the business, and you are working for him?
 
pondering,

Am assuming that you are considering separation/divorce.. then why so difficult about quitting? Unless he is the owner of the business.. then.. still for your happiness in the future.. you have to think about your own independence..
 
hi all,

yap, he is the owner of the business whereas i take charge of all the administrative matters.

so cant simply just walk away.

i just simply confused and stress out by this.
 
Pondering, you don't have to walk out immediately since you are not ready, but you should start planning your way out now as the situation does not look bright for you.
 
hi doll,

yap, i did some calling such as to felicia ng to get some details and hdb. the flat is an issue need another 3yrs to sell in open market.

me planning for a short getaway to cool myself down next week. dun intend to inform him till last minute.

hopefully, after the trip i will be fresh and positive in dealing it.

i just felt so sad....why till now (until i found out) then tell me there is something with the r/ship which i believe there is way to conquer it.

when love is lost that means that the end of the marriage?
 
pondering,
first of all, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Be strong ok? You must be strong.
This may seem childish, but why inform him at all that you're leaving for your trip? Turn the tables on him and see what happens. What's the worst that could happen from this? The worst has already happened, right? What I'm trying to say is, he did not put you first. It's time to save yourself. To save your sanity. Don't give him the opportunity to prevent you from healing.
 
l.s.,

in order to keep my sanity, to heal that why i chose to go for a short trip.

due to work committment, can't just leave without informing.

at least over here, i found people who is able to understand, to provide me the different outlooks.
 
Go save yourself and your sanity. No need to involve him. He's done enough damage. Maybe this time apart will be good for both of you. Will give both of you time to think thoroughly and weigh all the pros and cons of your upcoming decision.
Have you considered working someplace else?
 
Pondering, if the HDB flat cannot be released now so be it. It's not a big deal. Either you or him can occupy it till it is time to sell it in the open market.

It isn't such a bad thing that he tells you he has no feelings for you. Better this way than to continue to misleading you into thinking that he still loves you, making it hard for you to let go.
 
pondering,

Going for a short trip is only a temporary relief.. you still have to face the issue when you are back..

I would suggest you make use of the trip to think through things - about your future. For a start, you may have to start to think how to be independent financially first.
 
right....the trip is just to ease myself first.

that why hopefully when i'm back i able to face all this with courage.

i guess in a way i m a coward....too used to the current environment...routine....that why not stepping out in big strides.
 
powder,

it used to be love....really thought that way
now.....i guess is nothing.

life is so ironic, when i read your post for others. i find it so so true, there is reason/meaning behind each sentence which i agreed.

however now when i'm facing with all this.....it so difficult to stand on my own. thinking for my own happiness, needs, wants etc.

i'm such a coward right, doesn't dare to face reality bravely.
 
nope u're not... not yet at least. we're not cowards for Fearing change, cos Change is SCARY... we're cowards only if we acknowledge we need to change and yet choose to constantly do nothing for the rest of our lives... procratination is the greatest thief of thime, it is also the greatest thief of Life.

i dun acknowledge a marriage simply becos 2 pple have a cert that says they're husband n wife. there has to be More to it...

there's a misconception that Marriages that lasts Are successful. i think that's bull... any idiot can make a marriage last simply by not doing anything and staying married. it's easier to stay in a marriage than to divorce...

Once u've learnt to see thru how society and everyone sees and agrees to things... u learn to come to terms with your true self and never ever need to agree becos u're expected to. Walk out becos it is one of the most significant things u're gonna do for yourself... learn to walk out of lousy frenships, abusive bosses, crap companies... and even unfulfilling marriages.

locals have a big problem walking out of things they dun wanna stay in... so they stay put. and soon they turn into coffeeshop uncles and void-deck aunties... and it's really too late to do anything more...

Life has passed them by...
 
we just spoke on our way back in the car...started to talk about this raw topic again.

told him if he wants me to wait till the flat ready to sell in the open market....that fine so long he shift out of the house first.

end up, he told me he has no where to go. suggested to me i move back to my parent's place even though he knew i there is some issue.

just don't understand how can love between two so fragile and gone without noticing it. do we always have to wait till it lost then realised how precious it was.

how should i move on, where should i move on, why should i move on.....all this seem to have an answer in my heart. why am i allowing him to torture me mentally and emotionally. how to convince myself i will be a better, happier person when i let go.

the thought of starting all over is so tiring and tough at the present moment. i'm too used to the routine....that why i'm calling myself a coward. already step out to made the calls to lawyer, hdb etc and yet still walking around in circle.

*sigh*
 
dun get used to routine... there's alot of beauty to a life with surprises and disappointments... even a roller-coaster life!

routine... the Life of chickens? chirp all day, lay the eggs, lay more eggs, await to be slaughtered for food... life of cows? get milked, get milked, eat grass, get milked, await to slaughtered for food...

u're born with the priviledges of being human... can think, study, make frens, build bonds, get crushes, fall in love, experience joys of living AND LOWS too... most of all, u're not forced to stay and get milked nor lay eggs... u HAVE A CHOICE...

and that's the Greatest Gift in Life... Free-Will and the actual ability to practise it. not just an empty promise...

honestly, i was born into poverty... i could either accept that, or i could change that... until i was in primary 1, life was just rice, rice-water and soya sauce... sometimes got caixin or the occasional extras... it was a routine i DID NOT WANT. (but i love rice with caixin... hehe, it's just that now - i HAVE a choice to want It.)

just as u're wondering why love can be so fragile... there are pple out there who keep wondering 'why me?' and just Stay There... pple who have poor academics who AGREE with society's condemnation that they are only good for cheap jobs... pple who believe their fate, their predicament, their Routine and they just ACCEPT IT.

pondering, your inner strength is there... supported by the many years of love from your family... Find It.
 
I cannot add much but one thing for sure, not to agree to move out of the house. If he has no place to stay u can always tell him to rent a flat somewhere... Get the support from everyone including your inlaws.
 
u should tell him back that you have no where to go also. is the house co-own by both of u? if yes, then u also have the right not to move out. maybe in that case u should try to pretend to be stranger or normal friend at home and live and work in seperate rooms? dun do anymore meals or household chores for him anymore. let him know u are not to be bullied.
sometimes i feel woman's weakness is not saying out how they really feel and then being taken advantage for. voice out that since he no longer treat u as a wife, then why should u do what a wife should do for him.

i jus saw the 7pm show. she say, now i know why ppl rather stay in a romance then getting married. bcos when u get married, whatever u do u have to tink of the other's party feeling and the other party's family feeling. but in your case, at least u have support of his family bcos they brought him up and know him too well.

a get away may be good for u to relax and think thru what u realli wan and what is the next step u can do. understand that he is ur boss and u should tell him tat u are going for a short holiday. understand ur situation is quit tough bcos he's ur boss and u still have to pretend that everithing is okie between the 2 of you.
dun give up so soon. take a break and think thru. what u wan matters most. what we can do is give u a listening ear and give u advise and how we feel. but the one going thru is still u, and the one who's going to make the final decision is also u. jiayou!!
 
powder,

tks for the enlightenment! I knew i do have a choice to make things different instead of thinking why it must be me.

sotong, angel,

tks for the post....i'm staying put
 
Worse comes to worst, you two can still live under the same roof during separation by staying in different bedrooms. You have to stop doing stuff for him, such as the laundry or meals.
 
Pondering, I am glad for you that you have a positive mindset despite the situation that you are in
happy.gif
 
doll,

there isn't much choice i have. there are days i still cried badly whenever i recalled our past memories.

there are days i kept asking myself how did i allow my marriage to fly away without realising it.

there are lots of 'y' in my head which i do not have answer to.

i have responsibility towards myself, towards myself.

that y i m here to seek balance in my heart and head.
 
pondering,

You have to start to stop asking why. There are a lot of things in this world in which there is no explanation. Sometimes it is easier just to accept and not to ask why.

don't put the blame on yourself. There are certain things beyond us - we just need to be positive to move forward.

I know the situation you are in. I have been there, done that.

Just let go and move forward..
 
Pondering, you only have 50 percent responsibility over or say in how things are run in your marriage. You don't have to make yourself 100% accountable for the breakdown of the marriage.
 
hi simpleman,

i read yr past posts before. one day i will be like u, let go and be a happier person.

just that at the present moment, the wounds is very raw, that why!

doll,

tks for the assurance!
 


pondering,

Ya raw.. I understand.. try to work on some activities to divert your attention to..

But mostly, our positive attitude is very important.

It is OK to grief and to have some self-pity once a while.. or even to be sad and depress - it is all very normal. But don't keep things to yourself - find someone to confide and talk to.

For me, I don't have anyone to confide to and that is why I blog.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

C
Cheong Yip Kwong, William - The Wedding Solemniser From Hell
Replies
0
Views
2K
Chewmida
C
T
Confession of a married woman
Replies
0
Views
4K
Troublegal20246
T
L
Feeling Lost in Marriage Life
Replies
1
Views
2K
DLo
D
P
Edward Foong - Fantastic Experience!
Replies
0
Views
587
pinkbeanjy
P
G
Solemnization Venues Help/Recommendations (Chalet/Event Space)
Replies
0
Views
288
GaudFatherrr
G

Back
Top