A Decision to Give Up Hubby or My BF

charmaine82

New Member
Ive been married for 3 years but it has been a very very unhappy marriage though in my previous topic i did mention i wan concieve.

We got married @ very young age after we known each other for 1/2 year (im 24 while my husband 23),all my relatives & colleagues thought we are shotgun marriage,but it is not.

We married out of a moment of foolishness as we thought as long as we loved each other,it doesnt matter how old/young we get married.

However,after 1 year into the marriage,i find that my hubby is not the 1..he has been good to me except his bad tempered character. We alwys tend to quarrel over financial issues so often.

At that same time,i get to know this guy "M" & fell in love with him. I tried to hold back & "M" knew im married. And @ the same time,things get worse btwn me & my hubby over the financial issues till he beats me twice & there is once my neighbour saw him use knife point towards me & report police.I even have to explain to police so that they will not arrest him.

At that moment,i blew it & left home to cool off. "M" accompany me whole night (we did not do anything indecent).
He's been very decent towards me & he mentions that he will wait for me to made up a decision whether to divorce with my hubby.
He also been helping financially without any grumbling except asking me to accompany him for dinner or movies & get jealous when i accompany my hubby more.

He hopes to marry me but i told him i cant give up my marriage now.

He says he will wait for me.

I feel very confused now. I tot if my hubby & i have a baby,we will have a more stable marriage & i can just cut off the rship btwn me & "M".

I know this way is not right,but im loss. I do not know what to do
sad.gif


Advise pls... should i give up "M" or should i give my hubby last chance to change his bad tempered character?
 


powder

Active Member
trying to conceive - is just abt the WORST decision u will make in Life... much worse than the decision to get married...

seriously, How difficult isit to figure out that if both of u have a baby, it's NOT gonna stabilise your marriage???
 

canbear

New Member
The problem with getting married early while you are not prepared for it is that you tend to get swayed easily when the relationship is in trouble.

Having a baby will not necessarily bond you and your hubby closer. It could instead create an extra burden on you.

I strongly suggest you try to resolve your present problems with your husband first before thinking of having a baby.

From what I see, the present relationship is heading no where. For a husband to use a knife on his wife and beat her up, no matter how much forgiveness he asks from her after that, I would advise the woman without any doubt to go ahead and file for divorce.

M looks like a potential candidate for you. But think carefully before jumping in again.
 
Can M be a rebound bf for u? He's the nice guy who is there for u when u need someone.

And please do not use baby as a tool to save your marriage.
 

powder

Active Member
that's the thing with most pple... their choice-range seems to be just A or B. their sense of Hope for the foreseeable future is only based on the pple they know now, and there's no Strive/Search/Effort towards something better.

it's the same freakin reason how pple hold that diploma in their hands and look for diploma-job, get a diploma-pay, live a diploma-holders' life and that's it - at 20 they've got a diploma so at 20 they decide their life is a diploma-life. and later on the whole darn idea of upgrade is to get a degree somewhere along the way and then they jump to a degree-holder life.

how abt Choice C? Option D? Life E?

pple in spore are to eager to reach the next level and as youths they try so hard to be adults, then later in life they try so hard to be young again...

can u imagine, in the other thread she sounds like she's someone who is ready for a baby, then in this thread everything has a different angle...

dumb. that's the word if u're gonna start having babies to 'save' your marriage. in the first place u dun love him, dun have a good relationship and now u're expecting an unborn baby to solve the problem?

anyway it's your life. u have youth now so u still have time, give u another 5-7yrs of mistakes and u will be regretting... all the best
 

charmaine82

New Member
Hi,

thanks powder & every1 here for your advice.

all along,i thought a baby can stabilise the marriage as i do not want to end it.
I hope the baby give him responsibilty & wake him up to change his bad tempered character thats explain why im very eager to have 1.

i feel that my marriage are falling apart,we tend to get into quarrels & big fights to the extent he using his hands to bang my head on the wall & push me fell down so many times. The very next day,my hands will have bruises everywhere. And i have to hide it with wearing more clothes to office to avoid colleagues gossiping on this.

as for "M",i cant commit anything to him as im married. And i try so many times to leave him but i just cant do it as i found out that i fell in love with him so much.

"M" being a 3rd party alwys having very stressful period throughout these 2 years being with me,he does not understand why i still cling onto this marriage where i can jolly well chose him.

sometimes,i also will wonders myself "Y i still dun wan divorce?"

Is it i still love my hubby? Or im scare of the society's view? (i did mention to my dad before & he flare up that i should never mention divorce)
 

mark78

Active Member
Is it i still love my hubby? Or im scare of the society's view? (i did mention to my dad before & he flare up that i should never mention divorce)

imho, Society view on divorce .. its like 33% of ppl going thru something. its common. i am not encouraging divorce but if the marriage is wrong in the first place. why not correct it. divorce may not be bad decision but rather a correction of a wrong decision.
 

powder

Active Member
charmaine,

who gave u the idea that bringing newborn babies in the picture solves problems? was it education? was it testimonial by other pple who had babies and it saved their marriage? was it via professional counselling? or did God tell u?

there's no credible basis for it and from my additional life experience, u will fcuked up your life, the baby's life, and u might still have the marriage (which Without the baby u'd still have). One more thing to note, which may be abit extreme - but u might bring a baby into this world to be abused from birth... now how fcuked-up is that simply becos Mum (u) have no freakin ability to decide what's right, what's wrong. And u make the baby a victim of your inability to fight society's pressure on u to keep your crap marriage and stay married due to daddy's flare-up once.

your dad might see it differently if he knows the actual circumstance. and if your dad STILL think u should stick to the marriage, then your dad isn't that great a man to have to listen to in the first place.

your hubby bang your head against the wall u feel pain and u get a swelling. he ever bangs the baby's head against the wall and u get a cracked skull... he goes to jail and u go thru hell and TWO Lives are fcuked, whilst ONE innocent life came and went without a freakin chance.

DECISION... u really wanna base it on your poor judgment and bow-down to social pressure?

i feel sad for the kid... being brought into this world to be the Messiah to YOUR Marriage which u cannot handle. Do u wanna be that Baby???
 

charmaine82

New Member
i did mention to my parents yet they do not support the divorce,alwys ask me to talk to my hubby again & again.

haiz..
 

giantemu

New Member
hello, its your marriage not your parents. If you really think you need to get out - please get out. You are past 18, no need your parents' consent to get a divorce.

And please don't involve a baby in your messy relationship. The foundation is not there already, don't bring in an innocent baby. if your husband is not showing responsibility - namely managing his temper and finances - how well do you think he can manage a baby and you?
 

powder

Active Member
look, if i needed my parents to tell me my career, i would never have made my first million yet. they would have given me the thumbs up to use my diploma, get a stable job (preferably government), get married, buy hdb, raise kids etc...

unless u very certain they know u, know wat's best for u, and they know+live Life with sublime wisdom... all they have over u is AGE.

but to be fair, Do they know your hubby? u may be hiding everything from them... then talking abt divorce when they dun know where u're coming from... i find it hard to believe that u tell them abt the physical abuse and they are asking u to talk to him... so pls make sure your facts are very aligned... if they dun know the truths, then their ignorance is becos of u, and it's not their fault for Not supporting a divorce.

anyway i'm not pushing u for a divorce, i'm telling u that u hold the power and decisions. dun push it to other pple... u're pushing the thing to Baby, to Parents... who else? the Forummers here?
 

charmaine82

New Member
hi...

my parents do know that he abuses me.

but as my parents came from a very traditional family,they do not support my idea of divorcing.

instead,they ask me talk to my hubby & my dad even talk things out with him.

he will alwys say "he knows he is in wrong,he will change" to my dad but things seems like going round & round again & his bad tempered character just will not change.

powder,i did not push to baby or parents..

it's foolish thinking of me that he will change after having a baby.

i wan to move on & do not want my life to be so miserable as now.

"M" keeps assured me he can give me what i want & ask me marry him after the divorce.

but i kinda of lose faith in marriage. i still remember 3 years ago when im getting so excited & happy preparing for the marriage & surf the sg brides.com for info..but 3 years later,im here again...in a terrible marriage state.
 

powder

Active Member
dun lose faith in marriage... u should instead lose faith in your decisions. cos it's your decision that failed u, your choice of man that failed u, not the marriage.

3yrs ago it was a novelty, it was a graduation ceremony, it was anything but a Wise Informed decision to get married. perhaps it's a herd mentality...

OK, let's put the past aside for now... basically i'm pushing u hard here for u to understand One thing... there's no need to keep making decisions based on pple's expectations.

u are young, u can be vibrant and happy and have your life back... how u go abt doing it, and how u're gonna make the decision - is entirely in yoru hands and u need the courage and strength to do what's right for You, even if it means going against what everyone else thinks is Right. becos nobody is gonna be as happy as u, as sad as u or as abused as u.

You hold the key to Your Lifetime... ok? can u remember that? empower yourself...
 

infojunkie

Active Member
charmaine,

i think u're in love with the idea of love... cos u take love seriously, as opposed to taking ur partners seriously instead...

do urself a favor. straighten up ur life... get rid of the unwanted ppl in it and go back to singlehood...

and when u r there, u can date M or any other guy for all u want. but pls... with no strings attached...

u r simply not ready for anything serious yet, not in the near future...
 

lovingyou

New Member
Hi Charmaine,

Even though it is "cruel" to separate a couple, but at times, we jus have to let go of the love, of the r/s. Only you have the firm answer if you still love your hubby after all these while. You mentioned in your posts that you love "M". Leave "M" out of the equation when you make a decision. Ask yourself will you still consider divorce proceedings or will things get so bad if "M" is not in the equation? At times, we tend to make comparsions when another person is involved and thus this might blurred one's mindset. Second point, from the posts in this forum, I guess, we have read too many stories of violent partner apologising but does it helps, do they change? It is always free to give lip service, express remorse after hurt was cause but it will always be simply empty talk if no actions is done. Given the times whereby he laid his hands on you, do you think he deserves another chance? Do you think there is any days that he might suddenly change? Thirdly, I believe no parents hope to see their children undergo any divorce process, they will certainly kick up a big fuss etc etc, but regardless of that, they are still your parents, they should love their children rather than any pride etc. Moreover, it is your own life, own happiness that we are talking about here, spare some thoughts on the life that you might want to lead for the next at least 30 years?
 

charmaine82

New Member
thanks for all your advise... no matter what,i will just have to be strong & make a decision rather than being so draggy & things are getting out of hand..
sad.gif
 

ariebeth

New Member
Please do not screw up an innocent life. A baby will not solve your problems and give you the happily ever after fantasy you have.

Take M out of the picture. Why are you staying with someone who abuses you? After being at knifepoint you have to explain to the police NOT to arrest your hubby? What on earth was going through your head? Are you that naive to think that he will change?

Can you imagine what will happen if you stay in this marraige? You silently take the abuse, and have a baby with him, thinking he will change. Your newborn baby cries non-stop thru'out the night. He is even more irritable than before from the lack of sleep. One day you come home and find that he tried to shut the baby up by covering its face with a pillow. When your child grows up, he/she becomes another victim of domestic abuse. Do you want your hubby to beat up your child the way he beats you? Slam your child's head against a wall? Hold your child at knifepoint?

Seriously Charmaine, it's time to wake up.
 

powder

Active Member
with or without support, the right thing to do for yourself... remains the same. it's same regardless of what anyone thinks...

in life many things we do, we get support... so when we dun get it - we might doubt if the decision is right. But seriously, take a good look at the pple that u hope to support u... do they have the depth and wisdom to understand and make their support worthy of any weight?

like i said, dun fall to society's expectations and bow to its pressure... it has destroyed more lives than it has enhanced. it's been a propaganda for as long as i can remember and pple still live a lie of a life, seeking support, approaval and what not all...

let me put it in another way... pple with fcuked-up parents who listen to their parents are better off without the guidance and support from their parents in the first place...
 

lovingyou

New Member
Charmaine, make a decision for yourself, a decision you will be happy and will not regret under any circumstances.. Good luck!! *hugs*
 

toyisme

New Member
just be carefull with someone using violence to solve the love problem, it is a crime passion.

when we can not get along with others, maybe it is a time we re-examine our reason and purpose.
 

flowerygal

New Member
Charmaine,
I am surprised that u are able to tolerate and live with your husband after he had physically abused u. Great tolerance level. But i beg you please don't get innocent party to be involved. Being his wife he already does not respect & regard you highly, future baby will suffer much more than u. Once he get angry, he probably strangle or hit the fragile baby for crying & make him frustrated. You should know how a bad tempered man will react if provoked. I dare not imagine. Moreover you mentioned that he has financial issues, then having a baby will aggitate him.

Unless he goes for long term counselling to prove to change his bad temper behaviour, you better be careful. You may have realised that you have made a mistake to get married to him, then please don't make another tragic mistake to bring innocent life to suffer more. You can stick to him for life if you don't wish to leave, please don't create more woes. I advise u to head down to the nearest Family service centre to seek for advice. They handle such abusive cases like yours and those who have children, they got the most hurt. Go and listen to their tragic stories and you definitely be terrified how violent a man can be. Your hus is still so young and already display such violent act, soon when he's much mature, he may become heavy drinker and consume stuffs which may further worsen his temper. Think you may not have seen the worse of what may happen in future..

Powder had given very good advice, pls heed.
 

the_giving_tree

New Member
Oh dear, there are so many cases of domestic violence in which the spouse (usually the wife) ended up dead or maimed. Charmaine, I'm going to be brutally frank, ask your dad if he is waiting to collect his daughter's body one day at the mortuary?
 

kimono

New Member
Hi Charmaine,
All of your problems start from your financial problems? So to save your marriage, you should solve your financial problems and not to have a baby to add on to your financial burden.
 

muzik_luver

New Member
Yr parents know that he's been abusing u and still dissuade you from divorcing him?!...OMG!

And the saying goes: A leopard will never change its spots.
However, i must qualify that i do not totally agree with this saying as i believe that people can change for the better, especially in times of hardship/adversity but you've gotta ask yourself this, do u think yr hubby will change?...or is the arrival of a child suppose to change him?
Like what everyone here's saying, pls do not bring an innocent child into the current picture.

In yr situation, M's arrival naturally seems like a light at the end of the tunnel but give yourself some time before u commit to another r/s (if you've indeed decided on divorce).

Life is short, pls do not live the remaining of it with misery or regrets.
Good Luck in whatever decision u'll make!
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
You married your husband for who (you thought)your husband was. You divorce him today for what he is. You don't have to divorce your husband for your bf.
 

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