8years of relationship (broke up before banquet and ROM)

martinNg

New Member
Dear all, I would like to seek advise from you guys.

I broke up with my fiancee 2 weeks ago due to my fault. I admit it is all my fault that lead to this issue.

How it happen?
We have a quarrel and a cold war after that. I filed an email to the hotel to inquire about the penalty for cancellation. In a few days time, it is our 8yrs anniversary and I send a flower jar to her on the 4th day hoping to break the cold war and tell her how much I care about her. Actually I was pretty stressed about the wedding and was hoping to change the venue to make it a smaller but cozy wedding. However, due to the cold war, I did not discuss with her.

This trigger the whole break up thing. She broke down during the cold war period and I did not know about it (since we did not talk). Eventually she made a decision to let go of the relationship and she revealed some things which she has been angry and tolerate at. For example, my impulsive reactions especially over texting. I could not recall when was the last time I ever scold her face to face. I did not beat her up. It is the way that I text is those 'anguish' tone when I disagree to something.

I tried to make her happy by doing all the DIY stuff. Promise her that I will change the way I talk/react. But she still insist on a break up.

We are on talking terms now. I'm chasing her all over again, getting to know more about each other. However, she said she has low confidence of us being together.

Is there anyone having the same encounter?
 


TheRepentant

New Member
Bro, I have encountered a near divorce recently. But managed to save my marriage after many months. Wife also said she tolerated my bad behavior for long time. We are married for 10 years. Sometimes, we being man can be too aggressive when it comes to disagreements, and it may cause a lot of sadness and fear in them over time it firms up the decision to want a break. But don’t worry, based on my experience as long as you really love her and are determined to change your old ways - behavior that she doesn’t like (no matter right or wrong), high chance she will come back to you.

Here are the action plans:
1. Write down all her concerns and dislike about your behavior. SINCERELY apologize to her. If not sure, check with her, let her know that you are seeing counsellor to tackle the issues she has concerns about. Show her you take solid actions to address her concerns. This also shows her how much you value and love her.
2. Besides counsellor, I would also recommend a marriage fitness course online. Check out marriage maxx. This teaches you how to win her back.
3. Ask her out for simple meals now and then, she needs to see that you have really changed in your actions and behavior. If she does not want to come out, you can also show it via the way you talk to her in WhatsApp.
4. Don’t worry about the banquet thing. Don’t rush getting it done in any way and ruin the whole relationship. If she wants it her way, give it to her. Money can be earned back, but once you lose her you may not win her back.
5. A relationship problem always start with disagreement where no one wants to give in, so if you give in totally, you secure harmony with her.
 

rip_curl

Member
Also I feel you know best whats the character and personality of your gf/wife. Sometimes when she says out, its a one way street. While you can try all means, I just want to ensure you manage your expectations and that if reconcile is on the table, try to ensure both parties dont bring up this "old issue" again. You get what I mean, sometimes just sweep it under the carpet thinking it will work out.

So long she wants out not because of a change of heart, you do stand some chance.
 

ing1

Active Member
Fights and arguments are unavoidable in a relationship but if she is reluctant to come back, could it be that you have not changed your ways as you promised previously? Or this the first time she spoke her mind with regards to your way of communication and behaviour?

When a woman gives up, she literally gave up. To be candid, 8 years is a very long time, which could also mean that she has been tolerating for a very long time. I am not saying that she is the only one tolerating in this relationship as this is only 1 sided story.

You might want to sit down and think hard if the 2 of you are really compatible. If a wedding preparation can break you guys down, there are more of such situations after wedding. Are you sure both of you can handle such pressures as partners together going forward?

On a side note, if I get to know my bf wrote to the hotel, asking about the cancellation penalty without telling me, I will think that he is getting cold feet and wants to back out.

I agree with rip curl, do manage your expectations. Just my 2 cents.
 

martinNg

New Member
We do have quarrels (over text) once very few months that kind. But we didn't talk about it. Then after a 1-3 days, things are back to normal. I guess we never actually have a heart to heart talk over the recent years. So ya.. I have kind of neglected her feelings & thinking.

I can tell she is quite affected by it and have think alot before coming to the decision of breakup. It really pain me to see her and have her go through this. No matter what I did, she wouldn't change her decision.

Our banquet was planned to be next year Feb. We have decided to cancel the banquet and the packages.

We are still texting. She say she will treat me like how she treat her friend. I decided to go after her again. I did ask her out and she is okay with it (idk if she mean it onot). So ya.. hopefully one day I will melt her heart and regain her trust again.
 

newproject

Active Member
More context.

How old are you two?

Just reading , it seems you two have ZERO communication, just text, cold war and wait until blow over .

In a relationship you cant... well I dont want to say avoid confrontation but you need to trash things out even if it makes you uncomfortable.

My wife is the avoid confrontation type and it sounds like both of you are the same. That's why it bubbles underneath until explode under pressure.

Good luck bro
 

JasonSim

New Member
Hi Martin, I hope you guys patch up.

Can I suggest that both of you come to my Enneagram course? Alot of conflict between couples are due to the fact that they did not understand each other due to their personality differences. As a marriage mentor with 13 years of experience I have seen couples having difficulty because of personality

Enneagram is a personality framework that had helped individuals understand their types and why they behave in a certain way. Unlike many other personality tools such as DISC, Myer Briggs, and others that stop at the traits of the individual, the Enneagram gives people a working guide to understanding their own deep motivations, fears, and desires, which can help with personal growth and self-awareness. Enneagram will help explain to the individual WHY they are like that.

It is a 2 days course that would open up many of the misunderstanding that each of you have. Through the course, I have witness many relationships repaired as now they understand now each other personality types.

Should you need more information let me know.

All the best
 

Infernolord

Active Member
We are on talking terms now. I'm chasing her all over again, getting to know more about each other. However, she said she has low confidence of us being together.

Is there anyone having the same encounter?
Not too sure you manage to court her, but based on my own experiences, when a ger is done and say treat you as friend. If she is quite independent kind, i think u better to move on. The more you try too woo her, the more she dislike you. Love is a thin line, either love you alot or it can backfired.
 

dream_on

New Member
Dear all, I would like to seek advise from you guys.

I broke up with my fiancee 2 weeks ago due to my fault. I admit it is all my fault that lead to this issue.

How it happen?
We have a quarrel and a cold war after that. I filed an email to the hotel to inquire about the penalty for cancellation. In a few days time, it is our 8yrs anniversary and I send a flower jar to her on the 4th day hoping to break the cold war and tell her how much I care about her. Actually I was pretty stressed about the wedding and was hoping to change the venue to make it a smaller but cozy wedding. However, due to the cold war, I did not discuss with her.

This trigger the whole break up thing. She broke down during the cold war period and I did not know about it (since we did not talk). Eventually she made a decision to let go of the relationship and she revealed some things which she has been angry and tolerate at. For example, my impulsive reactions especially over texting. I could not recall when was the last time I ever scold her face to face. I did not beat her up. It is the way that I text is those 'anguish' tone when I disagree to something.

I tried to make her happy by doing all the DIY stuff. Promise her that I will change the way I talk/react. But she still insist on a break up.

We are on talking terms now. I'm chasing her all over again, getting to know more about each other. However, she said she has low confidence of us being together.

Is there anyone having the same encounter?
You two have a communication breakdown. The different modes of communication between your two will fracture your relationship sooner or later. You can consider it as a blessing in disguise it happened before the wedding took place.

Did you ask yourself did you really change? Or it is just for the sake of fearing to lose someone and start all over again?

It takes months and years for people to change, from INSIDE to OUT. You have to ask yourself honestly, before you decide to do it all over again with your GF.
 

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