20 years relationship I can't loss him

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by Jjing, May 8, 2018.

  1. Jjing

    Jjing New Member

    Hi everyone, I need you guys to advise me of my 20 relationship with my husband.

    Im get married when I was 19 and now I'm 38 and my husband 39. My son is 18 year old. He always been a very good husband responsible and loving. And i was so been so demanding to him. He trying give his best to us and the family's as i don't appreciate it. Last 5 years i did very wrong to him. I have affair with a korean guy who hv a family too. He did find out too. He saw my text, and I getting worse as i don't even care his feeling. Continue to seeing that k guy for 1 years. And i did thinking to leave my husband. But he beg me badly he mention he will forgive me, he treat me even better buy alot presents to me and that time i did feel touching. I willing to give up that k guy. And we been happy together till last month. The sad thing is his dad being sick for 8 years for stroke, but getting worse on last month. he the only 1 taking care of him i not helping him at all. But i keep nagging him about his father hospital bills. And no show concer to him and his father. End up his father pass aways three week agao. He start to change he become very cold to me. I very worry after the funeral he told me he have enough of our relationship. He want to give up. I beg him told him i will change and put in effort to love our family. After one week of i begging him. Than he finally decided to give me a chance we try out again 1 to 2 years.

    But the chance he give is he keep changing his mind and keep mention maybe we wont last for long. He mention he cant love me like last time anymore. I really willing to change to become a better person for our family. Just he keep mention negatives things to me like i hv no more love for you, i want my life back and i want to be alone. (So why he still give me chance) As i really very sad...and scare to loss him. I realised i cant live without him. Now is only 3 weeks but he keep changing his mind that make me feel insecure how can i bare 1 to 2 years. It so hurt coz he so cold to me. He had never be like that before to me. I did make up my mind no matter how bad he treat me. I try my very best stay by his side to get through this.
    Anyone pls advise me...

    I really need help
    Thank you
    joleneccw likes this.

  2. Jjing

    Jjing New Member

    Hi, anyone one here can advice?
    Really need help
  3. Jessie.Y

    Jessie.Y Member

    You lost him the moment you had extra-marital affair. His father's passing was the trigger point to ending the relationship for good because you're not helping him emotionally nor financially, but complaining and stressing him even more.

    Perhaps you should give him a breather, let him heal first instead of focusing on his changed attitude towards you, You should show more concern on him, not yourself.
    arsenal_84 and miloice like this.
  4. Jjing

    Jjing New Member

    Hi Jessie, thank you for your reply.
    Yes, I'm really regrets what I did to him.
    Im trying my best now to concern him more. But he keep telling me he had no feeling and love to me. I know he trying to give our marraige once last chance.

    But this time im really worry to loss him, he mention it about him this time not others even if i change maybe he cant accept it. Coz i change when is he give up time he feel not get use to it too to a new me. He can forgive me but cannot forget what i done to him past 20 years. So it really confuse me. So i suggest we go short trips to bangkok. He seem not willing. He told we will not happy if we go. Just i hope we can find new and fun thing to try make him feel love i give him to relax himself.

    Every 2 or 3 days he will threw temper to me. Mention how i treat him last time and said he not love to me yet. But he the one want to give us a chance more within 1 to 2 years see thing workout anot.

    Do you think he still love me or just he want make me feel how he feel last time i did to him? What should I do now?

    Im very upset...I know I deserved it
  5. felirocious

    felirocious New Member

    Ask yourself if you love him.if you love him, you should give him time and put on ur best effort and endure and ensure he’s well taken care of from emotionally to physically such as ensuring he is full.

    Don’t think about if he will give up on u. Live without regrets, do all and what you can and afford to.
    Do it without feeling guilty. Do it with love and concern.
    miloice likes this.
  6. Jjing

    Jjing New Member

    Thank for reply felirocious

    Im very thankful to him honestly he been a best husband and best father ever.
    Just I'm don't appreciate it and take advantage on his love.

    He now still concern me. But he did mention coz we still husband and wife. He will still do his part. But he not sure is responsible or love to me now. That the worse part i ever heard from him.
  7. Dan B

    Dan B New Member

    If you really love him, please let him go. Having an extramarital affair with another man not just destroys the trust and marriage vows, it also hurts his pride and dignity as a man. It's pretty much over from there. A friend of mine's wife did the same to him. He was never the same person after that. The past is the past and cannot be undone, but you can leave him and both go your own separate ways. Your child is old ejoughto understand. No sense in keeping someone unhappy.
  8. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Your husband is grieving for the lost of his father. You should be supportive and focus in helping him with the closure and recover from that. The passing of his father, might be the final nail to the coffin for the marriage. When we are faced with death of our dearest ones, many of us are never the same again. Those scars will never really disappear.

    Even though you repeatedly mentioned you learnt your lesson and willing to change for the better, your message suggest the same level of placing yourself first. Its you being afraid that you will lose the marriage. Face it, the marriage is what it is today, not suddenly, but all the hurts and abuse you put it through. Your husband have been enduring it for years. Stop thinking about what you will lose. Start thinking about him. What is best for him, how can you help him. If you want any chance of really changing, you need to change your perspective towards relationships. A fruitful relationship happens when both parties give freely selflessly. Both of you will receive happiness and pamperings that you didn't demand for, but given because of the love for each other. Start thinking, what is the best for your husband.
    Last edited: May 14, 2018
    JojoT and Jessie.Y like this.
  9. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    Is he still yours? Really?
    Is his mere existence all you wanted?
    Even if he is no longer present. Think about it
  10. blahblahveggies

    blahblahveggies New Member

    Give him some space rather than pestering him to love you, and you should show him you are going to change. Rather than whining here you should maybe take a look on what you can do for him to gain a little trust from you again.
    JojoT likes this.
  11. likethathow

    likethathow New Member

    Its not your husband fault to be like this to begin with.

    When you were having extramarital affair with another man, he beg you to come back and wiling to forgive you and on top of that, he still willing to shower you with gifts. He already lost his soul and pride as a man by doing so. And yet, you, yourself knowing and claim that you are getting worst and don't care about his feeling. What more can you expect from him?

    And best of all, when his father, your father in law is sick for eight years from stroke, you as a wife and a daughter in law, who took the wedding vows. Have you even try to ease his burden as his wife? You, ownself already claimed that you did not help him at all and nag at him about his father hospital bill. This is his father, who brought him up by feeding him, giving him an education and a roof over his head. This man who eventually become your husband and love you unconditionally despite all the enormity that you have committed, was bought up and probably taught him. His father.

    What have he done to deserve this? And on what ground can you expect more from him? You just killed a poor man soul who thought that the his love of his life will be loyal, committed and stand by him for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish him, ended up having the total opposite.

    Ask yourself this, what do you seek from this marriage?

    And you are asking, why is he like that now? Simple, bitten once, twice shy lahhh.
  12. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    a close friend just called me. He was in tears with no one to speak to.

    His wife have been having an affair since few years, he suspected and got into fights with her several times. Then, he had an heart attack, heart specialist recommended immediate 2 bypass surgery after the scans, he didn't want to. I was surprised. Initially, he told me because he didn't want to burden his family financially and he had stopped his insurance in priority for the property he bought for the family in Philippines. Now I know there is more to it. He found evidence of the affair, even on the day of his bypass, his wife went to meet the adulterer. That man is a colleague of hers and happily married as well.

    He asked my help to inform that man's wife of his affairs. He told me, the surgery, the heart attack is nothing. He rather die than to go on with the hurt of his wife sleeping with her adulterer.

    When people get into affairs, do you even think about how your spouse feel?
    Winniebubor, JojoT and arsenal_84 like this.
  13. Rester

    Rester New Member

    Sorry to hijack this thread but i notice this is becoming a trend since a few years back. I am friends with a private investigator due to work and i recall 2 off his advise to me way back than. 1. think before u vote and 2. the trend has changed in recent years whereby it used to be woman whom engage their company for investigation, there are more males whom hire them to track their spouse.

    Recently too i have been having this chat with my wife as too often when i have gathering with her friend's i can't help but feel that most of them tend to "bully" their husband. Perhaps it is retribution from the time's of male chauvinistic era but this has been the case a lot recently.

    Some example's of "bullying" that i see often can be something as small as comparing - simple words such as "why xx husband can like that, why u cant" yes minor but this accumulates. I have seen a hubby of her friend flare up coz the wife has been giving such statement the entire day. I doubt any ladies would like it if we are to compare them to their friend's but somehow the husband is expected to suck it up just coz he is suppose to be so all forgiving and doting husband but that is plain wrong. Simple words dont do onto others what you dont want them to do onto you. Especially when in front of public.

    Being a guy that is usually aloof in front of others, i have seen a lot of crazy behaviours. Guys being shouted at by their wife in public etc and the funny thing is how some girls can interpret that as doting.

    Nor can i understand how buying something for a girl means i dote on her which is even seen in the case above. yes i agree i buy stuff for my wife because i love her. I stand in queues for hours on her behalf coz i love her but if say i do it lesser by a bit means i do not love her. it might just mean that financially i am strapped. it might just mean i have not stumbled onto something which i really want to get for her. It might just mean that i am saving the money for other financial uses that concerns us both and not just her. i really wish people would stop using gift and abuse to equate doting. it is but in a very unhealthy way.

    I recall once a lady friend asked me what i looked for in my future spouse...my answer than till now remains the same respect and commitment to each other. Yes we will fail from time to time in terms of respect we will fail. We are all emotional creatures but still at least the base line is there. Commitment, hack if there is non there why the hell do u even get married. And it is pretty easy to spot those whom can do so and can't and i have never had much pity for those whom can't. There is a reason why there is so many status when it comes to relationship now and if you can't commit emotionally than.....perhaps marriage is not for u. If it takes someone leaving u before you realize u need him man.....u know what lady, i look at my wife when she sleeps from time to time and feel thankful she is there cause i already realize i need her in my life so please....please dont wait till someone vanishes before realizing u need him or her. Life is too unpredictable, cherish what you have. Cherish now what u have between each other.

    ps: looking back at my past break up, usually i have a part of me that remains attached because i feel like i have not given my all for the relationship, for my partner. Like there is something more i can do. Which is why i try to stress to myself to not get into that position again. Should my relationship fail at this moment i want to be able to tell myself that i did my best and that my best is not enough for the other party. That's it, don't regret.
    Infernolord likes this.
  14. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    well seems like his father's death is the triggering point, sometimes in life you reap what you sow.
    maybe is time to let him go since you can never have the both sides of the cake.
    plus your son will come to find your about your affairs and at some point, you probably has already lose the respect of your whole family.

    the most amazing thing is when someone cheats on you, it reflects so much more of who they are and not so much of who you are.
    ppl don't cheat because they don't respect their partners, ppl cheat because they don't respect themselves.
  15. Adrian7878

    Adrian7878 Member

    I was comatosed for 2 yrs .... woke up and found my wife having an affair with my best friend. I cannot forgive her .....

    She going to her family that I had gone kuku .... when it was her who threw me out of house. Lawyer letter going to her soon.
  16. JojoT

    JojoT New Member

    Hi Jjing

    Don't want to point fingers but if you truly loves him and the family, give him quiet time. Grieving the lost of a parent takes some time, some ppl took days, some months, some even a few years. As to your problem which you created, every decision we make bears a consequence and we have to live with it. So, would you love him enough to give him what he needs, that's time to heal and think who he wants to live his sunset years with or.... push your way in to establish your own security & place you call home ?
    Just my 5cents worth, sometimes love requires you to give him up and be as good friends than hang on to a broken mirror where both are miserable day in day out.
  17. KopiO666

    KopiO666 New Member

    Tbh, u deserve it. If I were him I would have left u long ago. Move on because he has firmly decided to leave u.
  18. sad2009

    sad2009 New Member

    Married for more than ten yrs & recently found out he nvr left his gf that he promised he did 2 yrs back. Im devastated & I decided to file for divorce. He had been begging for another chance but I knw it over as he blew his chance! The thought that he chose her over me ripped me apart! It still hurts but I believe I will recover & get better.
    From my pt of view it’s hard to forgive & forget & move on & b happily married. U can continue to try but I think it’s gg to be a tough road! He will continue to remind u wat u had done in the past! It will b a painful path... gd luck to u!
  19. xxdaggerxx

    xxdaggerxx New Member

    Dont know if this is a troll post or what. Could be fake.

    But i can tell your psychology. You only like him when he wants to leave. When he stays and loves you, you get bored and disinterested.
    Time to grow up, you are not a child anymore.
  20. Will88

    Will88 New Member

    I can sense that yr he is quite a good hubby and father. You are the person who do not cherish the good things you had. You probably felt that same, daily old relationship was boring. so you want to experience something new and different. When he said will give 1-2yrs of grace period to try patch back, and he gave up shortly, it doesnt mean he was in the wrong because he just couldnt feel the trust and comfort with you. He was truly hurt by your insensitive treatment in the past.

    Frankly, when he keeps changing his mind whether to patch back with you means there is still a chance for him to remain. But the odds is probably 10% to stay, while 90%. to leave. You are in the recovery mode to salvage him back. You should leave him alone, while maintaining the same commitment that you used to gave him,. You need to come out a different approach by judging at his reaction. Let your actions do the talking. This will take time to win back his trust and comfort to even hold your hands.

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