11 years of relationship, no sex. Normal?

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by peterpan, Oct 25, 2015.

  1. H3I

    H3I New Member

    Sorry, hate to break it to you but this is 2016. If you are not having sex with your partner, you are not normal. You still want to waste time on this bullshit. Life is short. You are past 30.

    Being weak is not attractive at all. You don't need to be in a relationship to get sex. You don't want to enter a relationship being a submissive to your illogical under-experienced partner.

    Have a life and stop comparing yourself to those at the bottom of the barrel to make your situation seem better. That is a weak mentality.
    xinj likes this.

  2. florallure

    florallure New Member

    I know this is an old thread (okay perhaps not ancient old) but is TS still lurking around?

    Here's my view and experience:
    My bf and I have been together for 4 years. Our sexual life wasn't all that great in the initial stage. I kept rejecting him because like your gf, I felt that sex wasn't a necessity. Yes, sex makes you feel connected to each other but it shouldn't be a must. I remember me telling him that because of my bad experiences from previous relationship, I am not as open to sex as I was before. He said that he understands my worries and that he will give me the assurance and commitment that I need. On a few occasions when he came over, he will try to arouse me and make his moves on me but it would end in disappointment on his side and frustrations on mine. I knew that I was tormenting him but there's just something that was keeping me away.

    When he messaged me to voice his frustrations at the lack of intimacy, I gave the reason that I can't do it with him at my place because I will feel guilty. So he actually suggested booking a hotel room instead. This in all made me feel worse off. I refused to go with him and he actually flared up at me. We almost broke up then. After communicating about it, we got to see some progress. I was more receptive to his advances and now we have sex perhaps 2 to 3 times a month. We do have dry spells whereby I will give excuses like headache or menses but I never cut down on the hugs and just fooling around on bed. I know that he loves me from all the little things he did for me and going out of his way to make me feel happy and I love him, too. So now I try to channel my thoughts of sex as our way of showing affection.

    The thing is, I actually don't find penetration all that enjoyable. And I am perfectly capable of satisfying myself with my fingers to the point that I don't see sex with my partner as being highly satisfying for me. Is this the case with your gf? Have you ever asked her whether she plays with herself? If she does, it means that she isn't shy to explore her body but could mean that she prefers to do it herself than with you. However, if she doesn't then this could spell a bigger problem. Being able to abstain from sex for her 30 odd years of life and yet not doing it herself as well is kind of abnormal.

    Have you heard of the term Genophobia? Some people have an adverse reaction to sex, they can't even think about it without freaking out. I really suggest you and her get some counseling done. It's kind of risky of you to BTO for a flat when you are facing this dilemma. I mean you mentioned that you have your needs as well and she's not fulfilling it. You are not even sure if you can endure this kind of married life. Think very carefully before treading down this path because from all that you mentioned, she certainly doesn't look like she's saving it for marriage. Many couples can divorce after years of marriage, so being together for 12 years doesn't warrant the need to be tied down to each other. Divorce is much more painful.

    That said, it's been months since your last post. I do hope you and your gf have made some progress.
    peterpan and white_open_water like this.
  3. peterpan

    peterpan New Member

    Thank you so much @florallure for sharing! Yes, it's an old thread, but sadly the problem isn't fixed yet.

    What you've shared is very close to what I experience with my girlfriend!
    It was very difficult to talk to her about anything related to sex in the past. So, not much could be done for the first 10 years.

    When you said you are capable of satisfying yourself, I'm sure your bf must have thought that there is hope. I've asked my gf several times whether she masturbates or "plays" with herself. Sometimes, I ask her in the form of teasing and other times in the form of trying to understand her. She has consistently affirmed me that she has never done that to herself and she doesn't understand why she or any (decent) girls would have to do that. At first, I thought she was shy to admit. Later, I know she really mean her words.

    She has often given me excuses like tired or menses or sleepy when I advance. On days that I'm lucky, I don't seem to be able to arouse her much to get her excited which feels somewhat disappointing at times. Recently, we discovered that she likely has vaginismus. This plus her indifference for sex is an excellent combo for celibacy.

    We both want kids when we marry. So, this revelation has had her opened up to sex a bit more lately. She has become slightly more willing to react to my advances but mostly on the condition that we are "trying to improve her condition." Advances on her are still not easy, but still get to try about once or twice every 2-3 months. Strangely though, the whole thing feels somewhat objective to me like it is mostly to assure us that we can have kids in the future.

    Imagining life after marriage and having kids with her assuming that her mission is completed worries me like hell! Yet I can't tell her how I feel for she might think I'm a jerk who wants sex more than her when this is not entirely the case at all.
  4. Ziraffe

    Ziraffe New Member

    Yup, yup, I have that too - Vaginismus. Damned it..

    For my case, I only got to know about my condition after my wedding. My husband and I did not have sex at all during our initial 7 years before our wedding. No sex because I was brought up in a conservative family.

    He was literally devastated. Ha. Well, me too..

    I find intercourse very painful and due to the pain, it turned me off completely. Everytime my husband initiated sex, I will be feeling very dreadful. Yes, dreadful is the word to describe my feelings.

    Our marriage was on the rocks on many occasions due to the usual problems couples faced and imagine having problems with our sex life too.

    We went through many ups and downs in our 17 years of marriage. Our sex life is really pathetic. But surprising we are still together.. with an addition of an adorable daughter. Somehow we just come to an understanding over the years.. He accepted me as who I am. And I need to overcome my guilt of not being able to satisfy my husband. That hurts.

    Long story cut short.

    From my experience, you have 2 options.

    (1) You love your girl and want to be with her. When you marry her, you need to prepare yourself to have a pathetic sex life in your marriage. Your sex life will not be satisfied.

    (2) Leave her. Because you cannot change her. Why must you change for her or why must she change for you? You can only accept her.

    http://www.vaginismus.com.sg/ Maybe this link will help her if she has vaginismus. For me, it doesn't help.

    Wishing you best of luck.
  5. 60secs

    60secs Member

    For ladies with vaginismus, did you ever tried to do hand or oral on your husband in order to satisfy his sexual needs? Or you find that to be more of a turn off.
  6. chinleng

    chinleng Administrator Staff Member

  7. ning91

    ning91 New Member

    I think I have vaginismus too :(
    Me too, feel dreadful every time my fiance initiate sex.
    Sometimes I even felt like it's a waste of time, like we could have spent the time on doing something else.
    I completely lost interest in sex.

    We have been together for 6 years and during the first and second year, I did not have this issue.
    We were able to have sex without pain, only thing is I have never reach the big 'O' through penetration.
    I admit my libido dropped from sky high to ground and I have no idea why.
    Thinking back now, I don't even remember how it started and when it started.

    Now that we are planning for marriage, I really hope to treat this issue because both of us wants to have children.
    I have ever sought medical help but stopped because I find it useless.
    The specialist keep pushing me to go the "Leave him" route which is not what we want.

    You must be really lucky to have an adorable daughter amidst suffering from vaginismus.
  8. ning91

    ning91 New Member

    I satisfy my fiance's needs through oral, but i know it's not enough.. and i feel very guilty.
    Every time we talk about vaginismus, it will lead to me feeling guilty (and crying) :(
  9. Ziraffe

    Ziraffe New Member

    Hi ning91, don't lose heart! We may have vaginismus but we still can conceive. We have the ability to give birth to a healthy baby! We just have to endure the pain. :)

    To the husbands out there with wives suffering from vaginismus, please have patience with us. It is not that we don't love you or we are not turn on by you. It is the unbearable pain that is giving us hell. Which wife would not want to be loved by their husband? Which woman would not want to enjoy sex with their loved one?

    Marriage should not be just about sex. It is also about the companionship, commitment and trust etc. My husband may be devastated during our early years in marriage and our relationship really suffered a lot. But somehow we pulled through. As he gets older, he realized his sex drive has fallen too. He could not "perform" at times and he tends to "complained" to me about his "performance". We would joked around commenting "his" not working well now while as "mine" is still under utilized!

    My husband travels a lot due to his work and he has absolute trust in me in taking care of our daughter. He also have total faith in me that I will not be doing "something" behind his back. Sounds pathetic? I hope not. Having someone you know whom would never betray your trust is a blessing too.
  10. newproject

    newproject Active Member

  11. xinj

    xinj New Member

    @peterpan There are people with naturally low sex drive, high sex drive, or normal level of sex drive. It seems that your partner is totally disinterested and is on the low drive side. I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but you can either accept her as it is, or just leave her. Sex and intimacy IS an important part of a relationship, unless both parties are on the low drive end of the spectrum and both do not mind a sexless life. But this becomes problematic when you have a normal drive while she has extremely low drive. It is just who she is, but it is selfish of her to impose this view on you. She should go find some other guy who is willing to accept a low sex drive life.

    I can assure you that this will not improve after marriage. She is not saving herself for marriage. She is simply disinterested, that is all. Yes, love is more than just physical pleasure, but physical pleasure IS THERE to HELP bring both of you closer, not drive you guys apart. She is not giving in to you, but you are the one who has constantly have had to give in to her way. This is not going to be a happy marriage for you both. She should not give excuses and make you feel guilty, or emotionally guilt-trip you. That is her being emotionally abusive towards you, being passive-aggressive like giving you black face expression, silent treatment or giving you attitude. I am female, and I do not recommend you stay on in this one-sided relationship. It is best you both part ways, especially if she refuses to seek help and counselling together with you. She is the one being selfish, not you.

    I suggest both of you part ways and find a partner who has the same values towards sex and intimacy as you do. She should also go and find someone else who has the same values as her.

    In the long run, you are not going to be happy in this relationship. You will always have to DIY or go outside to satisfy yourself if you can't take it anymore. Is this what you want to do? If no, then you should both part ways. You will have a lot of tension and friction in your marriage over the years and you both will not be happy.

    Your partner is only wanting to be with you for the emotional (and perhaps financial) security, but she is not willing to be intimate with you. Please do not stay on in a relationship just for the sake of it, or just because you both dated for a decade. It is the QUALITY of a relationship that counts, not the duration or quantity of years. There are people who date for 10 years and still break up.

    You both need to evaluate if this sexless/no intimacy life is what you both want. I suggest you both cut your losses now. It is not too late for you to find another partner, you are only in your early 30s. You still have time. Do not stay on with your partner just because you feel sorry for her/you pity her, you don't want her to be alone. No. You both deserve to find your own happiness.
    newproject likes this.
  12. tomasulu

    tomasulu Member

    It doesn't matter what others will say. You should've broken up much earlier. It's not too late to do so. Don't over analyse this, just do it.
  13. babyblues1235

    babyblues1235 Member

    To be honest, the first 10 times would probably be painful. At least for me.
  14. Mary Victor

    Mary Victor New Member

    After reading your post, it made me realise that it could be there she is Asexual? Asexual is someone who is capable to be romantic but has not interest in any kind of sexual activity. 10 years is an extremely long time to not have sex, fear is not even a reason for your case because if she loves you she would have told you that she was afraid to be sexually intimate. I suggest you speak to her and ask her if she is into sex at all and tell her about Asexuality. This could affect your life for your differences. i hope the best for your life and relationship. :)
  15. JaneLi

    JaneLi Member

    1st of all, i must salute you for being so gentleman & listening/respecting to your the other half. I feel your gf is really 1 of a kind, she's saving the best for you after marriage. So hurry up & propose to her !
  16. candyapple

    candyapple New Member

    I recently came across an article on a sexual disorder called Sexual Anorexia. As the name suggests, the affected starves themselves of all sexual intimacy. So that could be a possible reason as well.

    As for those with vaginismus, or whereby penetration is just too painful, I have read about success cases where the couple are able to please each other in ways other than penetration, and methods devised to help them conceive. So don't lose hope!
    miloice likes this.
  17. Huathuat88

    Huathuat88 New Member

    Hi @ning91 , dont be disheartened! I only found out about this condition of mine after we got married and tried having sex. I guess this is more common than we think and there is actually alot of forums out there where alot of ladies are sharing on how they overcome it. I was a virgin before marriage which makes this much more unbearable, but with a very strong determination, im getting over it now! Feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to :)
  18. newlosthusband

    newlosthusband New Member

    Found this page through the web searching for help.

    My wife and I got ROM in early this year. Both of us are in our first relationship.
    Sadly.our marriage seems broken down down for now and looks toward annulment.
    I am looking to save the marriage

    The official reason that she give me is that she is scared of intimacy/sex during our last talk.
    She mentioned she felt uncomfortable when we had our first few intimacy, but she was curious and thought she will get used to it as we moved towards ROM.
    Things got bad after ROM, as she mentioned that, instead of getting more comfortable, it is getting more uncomfortable and chore for her.
    I admit it is partly my fault for failing to notice her uneasiness. She also admitted for her part for not letting me know her uneasiness sooner.

    During intimacy period that we had, I had only reached 2nd base with her, while she reached 3rd base with me.
    She mentioned that she wished to wait till the chinese wedding night, in which i didn't force her to consume the marriage and respected her wish.
    We had looked forward our BTO and booked wedding banquet and gown this year.

    Since we know there are issues for us, I convery my wish to her that we hold each other's hand and work this issue our together, like marriage counseling/sex therapy.
    Sadly, she isn't much willing to do that.

    As her husband, I am very distraught at what happened.
    Would appreciate any advice....
  19. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    you have already sum up your conclusion, if the other party is not willing to clap with you, you still can walk away with reasonable losses.
    life is short, don't put your eggs in one single basket unless you knowingly wish to get yourself into your current predicament.
  20. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Intimacy and sex are 2 different things. Being intimate, doesn't necessary mean sexual either. When she is not comfortable, I believe you refer to the sex. Don't rush things. Both of you are virgins, so it is quite understandable. Don't zoom into the sex. Being comfortable with both your bodies, just sleeping together, massaging and cuddling together. Break the comfort zone, before to go further.
  21. solar99

    solar99 New Member

    Hi .

    hav a prob 2 share. wondering if this is normal for some men...

    my husband and i just got married 2 months ago but we live together since a year ago.
    when we dating, sex was very frequent. but after move in together, become less frequent (once a week).
    he always say he tired but still always use phone and sleep late everyday and if i initiate, he will push me away.
    as a female, i feel super dejected when kena rejected hais..

    seems like i have a much higher sex drive than him and need a lot of intimacy.
    when i voice out my problems to him, he thinks im crazy and need to manage my expectations.

    fyi, im not asking for sex everyday. but i think 2 times a week is a healthy amount.
    fyi, we are 28 and 31.

    To everyone here -
    is this a common thing for men? and how do i manage my high sex drive? :(
  22. clem

    clem Member

    No, 2 times a week is not considered high sex drive at all.

    Having less sex after maariage is very common, I don't think you need to worry. The 新鲜感 is no longer there, and it's human nature.

    To some people, marriage is a milestone, once they reached the milestone (goal completed), the motivation drops.

    You and husband just have to find ways to maintain the pleasure feeling without hurting... it's a long term on going process.. :)
  23. solar99

    solar99 New Member

    Hi Clem,

    Thank you for sharing. Feel that I am the only one who is interested in wanting to maintain the pleasue feeling whereas he has completely given in to the no 新鲜感 feels. my worry is that if we are not having lots of intimate time together now, it will only be worst when we have kids and when we grow older. How do I make him see the importance of sex in a marriage? o_O Thank you anyway for your advice!
  24. clem

    clem Member

    Try to understand what had made him turned off...
    - Is his work stressful?
    - what made him so tired? (Sleep late or use phone late doesn't mean he isn't tired.. using phone and having sex require different level of energy...)
    - Did you tell him u want baby (but he's not ready for that)?
    - Did you ever unintentionally "complain" about his performance? E.g. "why so fast..."
    - Did you tend to discuss chore during the process?
    - the list goes on...

    If he's not ready, give him some time to recover. Increase the frequency gradually, don't push too hard, 2 times a week is not that bad after all, considering he's working on weekdays... in fact, if you can maintain the same frequency for the next 3 years, it's already fantastic :)
  25. Infernolord

    Infernolord Active Member

    There are many aspects beside intimating. Like bonding timing, doing things both of you like, achieveing goals together. Most important is the committment to each other.
    Sex will come naturally when time is right, mood is right.
    Personally, i feel if you are sexually active, forcing another one who is not will make the other feel like shit. (like lady will feel being make use of)
    Same goes for guy, it will become a chore.

    Dun worry too much.

    Hehe there is a saying guy sex drive will goes down with age while woman is increasing. Partly because there is lot more things for the guy to think about, responsibilities and finance.
    As guy grow older, pot belly and others will make him feel disgusted with himself and less attractive, led to no confident and less sex.
  26. solar99

    solar99 New Member

    Hahah Clem & infernolord,

    thanks much on your opinions and views on this topic.

    i believe his work is sometimes stressful and he did mention that me bringing up the topic of "not having enough sex" makes him feel pressured - and as such sometimes he feels that sex is a chore. and def no baby business and no complaints on his performance (only compliments). what i meant was i would love to maintain at 2x a week, but he can get by without sex for 2 weeks lol. of course, maintaining at 1x every 5 days would be ideal for me - considering we have a 1 week break when I'm on my period.

    I've tried to search for other couples in the similar situation as me but all the situations are with the roles reversed (husbands complaining)! Haha sometimes I feel like I have a problem but how do I keep it under control!!
  27. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    Why do you need to treat it as a problem? You can find other men because women's charter will protect you even if he finds out just like how it did for me. Trust me. He is more worried than you are lah...
  28. clem

    clem Member

    Sounds like you already have the answer why your husband is stressful... :)

    At this point I can only suggest you to let him rest for a while... let him accumulate more bullet and confidence first... meanwhile don't stop the intimacy, which is more important than sex itself.

    Focus more on the quality first instead of quantity... I believe when the quality goes up, quantity will also go up naturally.. by then you will be a very happy wife :)
  29. clem

    clem Member

    Glad to see you again Cath :)

    Why don't you teach the ladies here how you manage your French bf? Did you do it everyday since angmo is more superior as u said? Share your skill! :)
  30. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Daily is on a bit of the high side for females generally.

    You say he happy for once every 2 weeks definitely on low side for guys.

    In a sense once a week is already both of you compromising. So I think if you can push to x2 a week is best you can hope for.

    You need to confirm though that he is truly low sex drive and not that he is low sex drive with you only.

    Temotatafu likes this.
  31. solar99

    solar99 New Member

    Hi there newproject,

    How do I confirm that he has low drive on his own?
    When we were younger, he was able to do everyday and sometimes even twice a day.
    He claims it's because he has aged + stress from work.
    I'm currently trying to be patient and not act on my sexual desires. Hopefully they will go away after I get used to it.

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