1 or 3 yr mourning after dad passed away? For ROM.

libra_lady78

New Member
Can anyone give advice on whether is it appropriate to ROM for my dad passed away last december... If not, how long should i refrain from it? 100 days from the day he pass away is definitely too hurry... I'm a Khek/Teochew and is a catholic...so what should i do??? Somebody please help!!!
 


dawnday

New Member
Hi Teresa,

I believe it's not neccessary to held your ROM within 100 days since you're a catholic. Unless your mum or your hubby-to-be side are not catholic, there may be some sensitive issues to be resolved. Otherwise I feel that it's absolutely fine to held your ROM or wedding after 100 days. But I believe it's better to discuss with your family members first.
 

niceguy

New Member
from wat i knw.. for marriage matters, its either within 100days or aft 3yrs. Bt wif both r either catholic or christain, den i thk it doesnt matter at all
 

pgx

New Member
Both my FH and I are teochews and buddhists, but we are unaware of this 3 year thing. Even his mum didn't mention anything. His dad passed away in July'03 but we are planning to ROM b4 July this year. Do you think it's appropriate?
 

cactus_79

New Member
Older chinese believe that the soul of the deceased departs only after 100 days from the day he dies. Therefore, it is okay to marry within 100 days from the day he dies. Older chinese also observe a strict mourning period of either 1 or 3 years - during this period, the mourners must not attend weddings, chinese new year gatherings, or birthday celebrations to show their respect to the deceased. I have a friend who married within 100 of the passing away of her then FH's mother. Her FH insisted on 3 year mourning period. THey did not want to wait the 3 years, so they got married within 100 days.

I don't think this practise is dependent on religion. I am a christian and I know christians who strictly following the mourning period thing - don't attend the following chinese new year gathering or birthday celebrations. My personal view is as long as chinese tradition does not go against religious belief/teachings, it is okay to follow - christians don't practise idol worship, so christians skip the altar praying thing and joss stick holding, but christians still following chinese tradition of si dian jing, or waking up very early in the morning, or giving bridal cakes (for the various dialect groups.

One way you can get around this is maybe to find out from both families if they consider ROM important. Some old people still call legal husband and wife as boyfriend and girlfriend cos they only recognize the customary tea ceremony. If that's the case, maybe you can first have the ROM within 1 or 3 years? Then customary after the 1 or 3 year mourning period has passed?
 

beier

New Member
I'm a Hainanese and my bf is a Cantonese and my grandpa passed away 2 years back, my parents say that I've to wait 3 years before I can get married, but they say ROM is ok, so we are intending to get ROM in April 2007, I wonder if that's ok too..
 

rinnie

New Member
Hiya, the 3 years rule usu applies more to the immediate family members, i.e. parents..so if it's grandparents, usually will not be that particular..besides since it's ROM, it should be fine..based on what i know, it's more of the customary that they are concerned of..but then again, it's best to check with your parents and your bf's parents..if they reali not for the idea, den I guess it would be better to push back..cos no point making everybody upset ma..i'm sure all of us would want people to bless us and wish us good..=)
 

ag50171

New Member
ROM is nothing. only thing is the chinese wedding. my bf dad passed away 2005 aug. we wait for 1yr. this mth we going to ROM. chinese wedding we wait for another 2yrs. coz my bf's side more PAN DAN..hee
 

meguriai

New Member
my grandfather passed away recently. i rom the next month (cos everything is planned already anyway). and i will be having customary just slightly one year later.

my family thinks it's okay and they are all looking forward to it.

think it boils down to your family wishes. mine is okay... especially since it's one year after.
 

cho

New Member
hi all,
I have planned my rom to be in july 07.. (HDB requires us to ROM coz we're buying resale and applying for 40k grant)
however, my grandma's pretty weak rite now..

any advise?
 

sillycouple

New Member
Cho, Im in a similar situation. But its my dad who is not in good health. I really hope he can be my witness for the solemnization. I hvt efile yet cos Im kinda worried that from now to Jul, my dad's health might deteriorate.
 

cho

New Member
hi paradise,
i hope ur dad makes it.. pray hard and be strong ya?

i really hope my grandma can attend my rom to see me get married..

now stuck.. dunno to go ahead or not
 

sillycouple

New Member
Hi Cho,

Thanks. My dad is undergoing treatment. I just hope that after his treatment, his health will be ok. Am praying very hard for it.

I think because of the resale unit, no matter how still have to go ahead rite? Even if u can defer is probably ard 6 mth's only.

Maybe u can seek your parents' opinion?

I'll also pray for you that your grandma will be ok and that your ROM will proceed as planned.
 

cho

New Member
thanks paradise..

juz visited my grandma today.. she cant see in 1 eye (cataract), and cant operate on her coz she doesnt know what's gg on..

no major illness la (except for dementia..) but her body's juz getting v weak as she doesnt eat much..

visited her and she smiled at me.. v v touched.. tink will try to let her see us more often..

and ya, the ROM will go ahead as planned.. =)

hope ur dad and my grandma will strive on! we muz be strong for them! =)
 

xiaoyun

New Member
My grandfather pass away Ang 05 my Bf father passed away Jun 05 but we both getting ROM this Jul 07 not even 3 years. If really cannot my parents will scold me my family are paranakan very very pantang 1... ROM shld be find lah...
 

cho

New Member
hi xiao yun..
my bf's father oso passed away late 04 (will be 3 yrs tis nov 07)

however, we're still getting ROM oso.. hopefully all goes well for us all!

=)
 
aiyo, not necessarily to follow this tradition(waiting for 1 or 3 mourning years) for those who r only ROMing, but for chinese customary wedding, then observe this practice.
 

eclipse2

New Member
My bf dad passed away in Sep. We are having our ROM on Jan. The only thing we are advised is that we cant 'celebrate'. Thus we can only do it in ROM and can't hold the celebrations outside. I had to appeal to ROM to get a room, since their room is limited.
 

thommy

New Member
My FW's father just passed away last Sat and we will still be going ahead with our ROM in Feb next year as it is within the 100 day period. Have checked with a fengshui master and he confirmed it's ok to proceed too
 

daintyaqua

New Member
hi guys, i am in the same boat.
initially wanted to ROM & AD on 20 sep 09 but becos of my fh's mom's health, we may need to have our ROM in apr 09 instead (rom at home, have not e-file). its already coming end of feb 09 as of now.

other than wedding bands, we have not finalised anything at all, we did have plans to proceed with our wedding banquet on 20 sep & we already have venues & bridal shop in mind but did not dare to commit in case something *touch wood* happens.

is it really great taboo if we still continue with our wedding banquet albeit more toned down (w/o wedding deco etc, with 20 tables)?? as least this way, the banquet will not go to waste as the package we are interested in does not allow transfer & can only extend for 6 mths.

not possible to have wedding banquet at an earlier date due to some other reasons. also with his mom's cond, its a risk regardless the wedding banquet is held early or sep.

any comments? i am very stressed out now but cannot proach the subject with my fh as he is very sensitive about this. also we are both in our 30s, to wait another 3 years before customary, by then, i think i may be too old to have a child.
 

daintyaqua

New Member
sorry, some more questions:

is it possible to have the tea ceremony after the ROM on the same day (apr)? even though wedding banquet is 7 months apart (sep)?? is this weird & is this consider the customary wedding then?

in that case can still proceed with a toned down wedding banquet in sep in the event 'something' happens?? or is the wedding banquet also consider part of the customary wedding?

i will really really appreciate if anyone can offer any advice.

thx!
 

zerochristy

New Member
Dainty> I would agree with your intention of ROM in Apr 09 and AD in Sep 09 as plan. *Touch wood* if anything happens.. you will need to get everything settle (eg. Your AD) done within 100 days or 3years later. One of my frnd did that withn 100 days¡­ deco can still be done no changes and no need to tone down that¡¯s what I see from my friend¡¯s wedding her dad pass away with a sudden heart attack.

Yes I have seen couples doing tea-serving after their ROM which is on the same day itself. For your bridal shop you have to sit down and check with them if they are flexi enought... my bridal shop are very flexi on this kind of things... cause for us we have a very old aged grandma at home and her helth is not very good... so we request to have our PS ASAP.. in less than 2 weeks time we will be going to our PS. Is also good to have your PS to be done up cause my AD is not very far from you too.

God Bless!
 

thommy

New Member
Dainty,

Tea serving after ROM sounds weird...have not heard of anyone doing this so far, usually it's done on your AD after fetching of bride in the morning. Unless you are holding your ROM and AD on the same day then that's a different story.

If you are still planning for your AD on Sep this year, you do not have much time left...bear in mind that IF your WG is MTM, it will take 3 months or more to make, and after that you still have to go down for trial fittings and make alterations from there. Also, PS is usually done about 3 months before your AD, so you can see you really do not have much time left since you have not even settled on your BS and venue. Do take note that most of the hotels now are already fully booked for weekends for this year, so you may have problems trying to find one unless you don't mind having it on a weekday. If you are still planning to have it in Sep this year, do confirm on your BS and venue quickly as you have no more time to lose.

How bad is her condition now? Is it terminal illness or? I think you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with your FH whether it's sensitive or not as this matter concerns the BOTH of you. Let him know what are the possible consequences should his mum pass away suddenly. Time is not on your side too, so you really need to give this matter serious thoughts. It is still ok to hold your banquet as per normal if it's within 100 days after her passing, no need to scale/tone down or anything. I have friends who proceeded with theirs within 100 days too. Wedding banquet is part of customary wedding.

For your info, my wife and I are holding our AD in March next year, her father passed away in December last year. Have checked with our master and he said it's ok to hold our banquet next year. Both of us are in our 30s too. Probably you can go consult a master too and ask for his opinion? Let him know of your situation now, he can advise you on this.
 

daintyaqua

New Member
hi christy & thomas,
sorry for the late reply & thanks for sharing your views.

we have since decided to bring forward both the ROM and AD to early june '09 (2 days apart from each other). we have also booked our wedding banquet (on a weekday) & bridal package.

the wedding album will probably not be ready in time for the banquet & hence no wedding album to display or montage to show but we are ok with this as our dinner is a small scale affair with around 15 tables.

we are comtemplating taking our photo shoot only after the AD. going down for trial fitting only end of this month.

we are keeping our fingers crossed & counting down to our big day! hope all will be well.
 

pingbubb

New Member
Hi everyone,

I have a cousin who is getting married just 1 month before my wedding, and his mum insisted that I should attend, but i'm worried that it might "clash". Are there any guidelines to the timeline where a bride should be avoiding any weddings/funeral?
 

thommy

New Member
pingbubb,

u can't attend others' weddings 3mths before and after ur own, it will "chong xi" (clash of luck)

talk to ur cousin's mum nicely, I'm sure she will understand

not only for weddings, funerals and wakes also applies
 

pingbubb

New Member
Thanks Angel and Thomas,

Unfortunately my cousin's mum is rather adamant on it and insisted that some temple advised her that as long as it is not within the same month its ok...but so far all I've heard is the 3 mths taboo too. Not sure if Cantonese have different taboo period?
 

thommy

New Member
to my knowledge, all dialects practise the same thing.

is ur this cousin very close to u? if not just skip it, dun bother abt what her mum says. u can't please everyone and it's for ur own good too.
 

anne_mae84

New Member
I think it bores down to what matters more... it's good to honor yr parents (or yr spouse's). however if you feel its more important to hold it earlier, than you have to decide...
 

jamesong1987

New Member
Hi all, sorry..I'm new here. But I have a question to ask. My grandma just passed away in Dec 2010. I'm confused about can I or can I not get married or do I have to wait for 3 years then I can get married..me and my partner are planning to Rom this year Nov and our Chinese wedding next year or the year after next..
Can anyone advice me? Thanks
 

lovingjul

New Member
Hi James, it's good if you can discuss this with your family & your partner's family as well. Chinese have a mourning period of 1 or 3 yrs depending on they religion or dialet group. Seek their opionion, which afterall, a marriage not only involved 2 parties but 2 families.
 

Prislalala

New Member
Hi, i am new here. My dad passed away in Jan 18 which is this year. I'd like to get married in 2020, which is already the 3rd year. So I am actually planning for my wedding now. In order for me to choose the ideal bridal shop, I'd like to try on the wedding gowns before signing any package. However, the priest actually told me that even trying on wedding gowns is not allowed if idw to get married within the 100 days. May i check what are your views?
 

felirocious

New Member
Normally they will say not to touch anything related to wedding (red event) if did not pass 3 years. Thus the priest do not recommend fitting or purchase anything during this sensitive period, not even making deposit...

Consult parents of two families and decide. For as Long as both families are not bothered by this customs, then anything is fine.

If either family is bothered, then I will not do it. Else if there are any lousy events, fingers pointing will start and arguments will follow.

Good luck.
 

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