{"id":56180,"date":"2018-07-17T09:05:53","date_gmt":"2018-07-17T01:05:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/?p=56180"},"modified":"2021-05-11T14:13:49","modified_gmt":"2021-05-11T06:13:49","slug":"5-fight-in-relationship-marriage-conflict-skills","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/2018\/07\/5-fight-in-relationship-marriage-conflict-skills\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Ways to Fight in a Relationship that Actually Make You Grow Closer"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><i>Learn 5 conflict management skills that actually turn couple fights into a bridge to deeper connection between you and your spouse.<\/i><\/p><p><b class=\"special\">Y<\/b>our spouse is probably the person you feel most connected to. They know how much you love truffle fries, how scared you are of flying beetles, or how you hate public speaking. They know your deepest hopes, and your lifelong dreams. They see you, deep down, and really know you for who you are.<\/p><div class=\"banner\"><script type=\"text\/javascript\">OA_show(5);<\/script><\/div><p>That\u2019s why it\u2019s so hard when conflict arises. You think, \u201cHow can you say that about me? Don\u2019t you know me at all?\u201d<\/p><p>One of the most hurtful things about fighting in relationships is feeling misunderstood by the person you trust the most. Thankfully, as researchers from The Gottman Institute have found, conflict can also be an opportunity to understand each other better, and can lead to personal and mutual growth.<\/p><p>As the psychologists and relationship coaches at The Gottman Institute have found, there are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/category\/state-union\/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">a series of skills<\/a> you can learn to manage marriage conflict better, and use disagreements as bridges to deeper connection. Try some of these strategies the next time you argue with your spouse.<\/p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\"  src=\"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/aforarcade-founders-wedding-at-grand-hyatt-singapore-98.jpg\" alt=\"\" \/><i class=\"special\"><a href=\"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/2017\/03\/aforarcade-founders-wedding-grand-hyatt-singapore\/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">AforArcade Founders Min and Collin&#8217;s Beautiful Wedding at Grand Hyatt Singapore<\/a> by AndroidsinBoots<\/i><p><b><b>1.Word your issue as neutrally as possible<\/b><\/b><\/p><p>In the heat of the argument, it\u2019s easier to blame your partner and criticise them for the faults you perceive, but all that does is make your partner defensive and shout back. <\/p><p>Instead of a \u201cYou\u201d statement, which points the finger at your partner, use an \u201cI\u201d statement to express your feelings, perception, and thoughts about the issue. When you shout, \u201cYou haven\u2019t done anything to help plan our wedding!\u201d your partner\u2019s instinctive response is defensiveness and anger. <\/p><p>Help your partner hear what you\u2019re saying by using an \u201cI\u201d statement such as, \u201cI wish you would show more interest in the wedding planning,\u201d which is a softer approach. Using an \u201cI\u201d statement frames the issue in a more neutral manner, without casting blame on your partner, which makes them more receptive to your complaint.<\/p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\"  src=\"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/pre-wedding-photography-melbourne16-e1531469330644.jpg\" alt=\"\" \/><i class=\"special\"><a href=\"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/2017\/08\/pre-wedding-shoot-in-melbourne-grace-dominic\/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Grace and Dominic&#8217;s Pre-Wedding Shoot in Melbourne with Magical Light<\/a> by Bloc Memoire Photography<\/i><p><b><b>2.Seek to understand and empathise<\/b><\/b><\/p><p>When you argue, you\u2019re fired by the need to be validated, to have your partner admit that you\u2019re right. You view the problem as their fault. According to Kyle Benson, relationship coach, the key to turning things around is \u201caccepting that every situation can yield two different yet valid perspectives that deserve equal weight.\u201d <\/p><p>Once you accept that your partner has an equally valid perspective of the problem, you can shift from viewing them as the problem, to trying to see things from their perspective. If you can view the issue from your partner\u2019s point of view, you can understand where they\u2019re coming from and why they feel the way they do. You don\u2019t need to agree with them; you just need to understand their perspective. When you both understand each other\u2019s position, it becomes much easier to find a solution.<\/p><p>In an argument, you can unconsciously feel that you\u2019re right and that your partner can\u2019t see things the right way because there\u2019s something wrong with them. It might be instinctive to think \u201cI\u2019m normal; they\u2019re flawed.\u201d This hinders your ability to see things from their point of view. If you recognise this in yourself, shift your perspective to accept that their view is just as valid as yours.<\/p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\"  src=\"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/taobao-wedding-085.jpg\" alt=\"\" \/><i class=\"special\"><a href=\"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/2017\/11\/taobao-wedding-florence-tingkong\/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Florence and Ting Kong&#8217;s Incredible, Beautiful Taobao Wedding and Engagment Session<\/a> by Pratya<\/i><p><b><b>3.Tell your partner what you need from them<\/b><\/b><\/p><p>\u201cYou\u2019re so lazy!\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re always neglecting me!\u201d It\u2019s easy to criticise your partner during an argument, but a negative statement usually incites a negative response. Feeling criticised prompts people to defend themselves from an attack.<\/p><p>The negative emotions that you feel towards your partner can often be a sign of what you actually desire. If you examine your emotions closely, you may find hidden desires, such as a feeling of loneliness underneath your anger. Discovering your real feelings will allow you to express your needs to your partner in a more positive way. Telling your partner how you feel will help them to see things from your perspective as well.<\/p><p>Instead of criticising them, you could say, \u201cI feel hurt when you don\u2019t express interest in our wedding. It makes me feel like you don\u2019t want to celebrate our union, and that our marriage is not important to you,\u201d or \u201cI wish you would spend more time with me. I miss you.\u201d Framing your complaint as a need instead of an attack helps your partner be more receptive, and helps them to understand you better.<\/p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\"  src=\"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/wedding-photography-in-Norway-55.jpg\" alt=\"\" \/><i class=\"special\"><a href=\"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/2017\/08\/wedding-photography-in-norway-jillian-jason\/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Jillian and Jason&#8217;s Soulful Wedding Photography in Norway in the Dramatic Lofoten Islands<\/a> by Vegard Giskenhaug<\/i><p><b><b>4.Listen without defensiveness<\/b><\/b><\/p><p>It\u2019s not easy to listen without becoming defensive, when you feel like someone is accusing you or misunderstanding you. Often, people stop listening and jump in to defend themselves, and the conflict only escalates. <\/p><p>Getting defensive may be instinctive, but it\u2019s counter-productive to understanding your partner\u2019s point of view. When you keep rebutting, \u201cNo, that\u2019s not what I meant,\u201d you\u2019re stopping yourself from seeing what your partner meant. Instead, take a breath and tell yourself that you love your partner and you want to understand why they feel hurt. Without the defensive barriers you throw up, you are more able to hear what they\u2019re really saying, and understand why they\u2019re upset.<\/p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\"  src=\"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/SufiyanDiana_ColossalWeddings_049_OutdoorShoot-e1531470575216.jpg\" alt=\"\" \/><i class=\"special\"><a href=\"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/2017\/10\/malay-pre-wedding-diana-sufiyan\/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Diana and Sufiyan&#8217;s Gorgeous Engagement Session and Blush and Green Wedding<\/a> by Colossal Weddings<\/i><p><b><b>5.Understand and empathise before problem-solving<\/b><\/b><\/p><p>It might seem that solving the problem equals solving the conflict, but simply finding a quick solution or compromise doesn\u2019t address the emotions involved. Hurt feelings that are ignored or pushed down can crop again later, or fester into resentment. <\/p><p>It\u2019s more important to deepen your connection with your partner by really understanding and empathising with them. As human beings, we all need to feel understood. When you\u2019re in love, you feel connected to your partner. You feel that they really \u201cget\u201d you.<\/p><p>Conflict breaks this connection because you feel misunderstood. The misunderstanding creates a distance between you, and empathy is what brings you both to the same side. Empathy validates your partner\u2019s emotions, and builds trust and connection. When you are willing to feel what your partner felt, you stop defending your position and instead become a team against the conflict. <\/p><p>Conflict in marriage can be difficult and hurtful, but it can also become a bridge to deeper connection. When you use conflict management skills to understand and attune to each other, you will feel more intimately connected, and happier in your marriage. <\/p><p><i>Credits: Feature image from <a href=\"https:\/\/singaporebrides.com\/articles\/2018\/04\/capella-singapore-wedding-steph-weilun\/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Steph and Weilun&#8217;s Travel-Themed Capella Singapore Wedding<\/a> by Bobby Kiran Photography<\/i><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Learn 5 conflict management skills that actually turn couple fights into a bridge to deeper connection between you and your spouse.Your spouse is probably the person you feel most connected&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":21,"featured_media":56203,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"yasr_overall_rating":0,"yasr_post_is_review":"","yasr_auto_insert_disabled":"","yasr_review_type":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2341],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-56180","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v24.6 - 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