Pregnant to stop IN Laws from moving in?

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by dingdingding, Feb 12, 2010.

  1. dingdingding

    dingdingding New Member

    Hi all, i'm in a dilema. my in laws have intention of moving into our house in 2 - 3 months time. however, once they moved in, there will be no more rooms if we have children in future.

    i really dislike the idea of giving up my freedom and 'er ren shi jie' for them and no one is bothered about the fact that i'll be approaching 30 years old soon and we should start planning a family of our own. my husband is 'anything' type and he said maybe we will have more money in future and can buy a bigger house, but his plan and money kind of thing is not definite, at least not for now.

    currently in laws rent a room outside, but mil always complain the landlord used up her shampoo n etc and how she can't wait to move in to stay with us.

    once when we chatted, i told her that impossible to have children coz no more rooms after they moved in, and she just say will 'see how'...

    it's like no one will take charge of the situation or care if i would want to have my own children soon.

    is it very selfish of me to want to get pregnant within this 2 months so that i can have the excuse not to let them move in? coz i dun think once they move in, they will say they wanna move out so that we can have kids, most likely they will say 'wait until got kids then see how'... and husband most likely won't want to have children once they moved in coz in laws will have no place to stay... but if pregnant then house cannot do any shifting of things, and in that case, how will they be able to move out during my pregnancy? then in that case, no place for a baby or babies?

    so should i take action now and pray hard for a baby so that all problems solved?
  2. two_piece

    two_piece Member

    if the ones who want to move in is ur own parents, will u still wan to get pregnant just becos u wan to prevent them fr moving in?
  3. xiao_nu_ren

    xiao_nu_ren New Member

    <u>two piece</u>

    Fantastic answer!!!!
  4. dingdingding

    dingdingding New Member

    fantastic coz both of u weren't in my shoes
  5. miloice

    miloice Active Member

    its amazing that you didn't realize nor reflect about what was said. Reflect.

    'Not in my shoes' is about the most abused reason. If no one here can be in your shoes, then why bother to ask for advise? I suggest you to indicate exactly what you only want to hear. Even so, in a forum, everyone can have their say still.

    Seems you are not looking for solutions. Just want to rant about what you want and not what's the situation you are in. Good luck.
  6. simpleman

    simpleman New Member

    Using baby as an excuse? I think you should find better reason..

    Your problem is that your hb don't see eye to eye with you. when you knew him and decided to marry him you should have known this.

    I can't advise much except for you to talk with your hb and tell him your concern and needs..

    A baby don't need a room.. at least until they are much older.
  7. two_piece

    two_piece Member

    so u think tat's the right way to do, then why dun u just go ahead and get urself pregnant?

    i myself do not like to stay with in laws too, but wont think of such ways to stop them fr moving in with us.
  8. salsa_babe

    salsa_babe New Member

    I see this as a very selfish thought.

    A baby will be a tool for you to stop your ILS from moving in.

    Go think about it.
  9. xiao_nu_ren

    xiao_nu_ren New Member

    <u>fd</u>
    FYI, I stay with my in-laws and never once regretted my decision. As I do have loads of time to go for holidays without even worrying who will take care of my 2 little ones. I can go to work on time, knock off and go for drinks with friends.... and don't have to worry on the timing at all! You just don't know the gem in them to have them live with you.

    Best of luck to you.
  10. dingdingding

    dingdingding New Member

    yes, i'm selfish.

    keep the insults coming.

    i'm wishing and ranting, can't anybody see?

    i wish to have my home i truly call my own, freedom to have children as and when i want, love and money from husband, simple and happy and carefree in life

    but i cannot help but to think of all the negative things in my life and i cannot help but to think of all the possible solutions to prevent myself from getting more negative in life
  11. xiao_nu_ren

    xiao_nu_ren New Member

    FYI again:

    I stay in a 4 room flat :

    Master Bedroom - Hubby + Me + 2 little ones
    2nd Bedroom - MIL + FIL
    3rd Bedroom - Helper + 40% of our wardrobe

    Maybe you just won't see the joy to be able to sleep in the same room as your little ones for as long as possible. So sad.....
  12. dingdingding

    dingdingding New Member

    Chilli Queen,

    how many rooms does your house have and how many children do you have?
  13. sleepwalker

    sleepwalker New Member

    FD, i happen to agree with you. go ger!
  14. dingdingding

    dingdingding New Member

    i admire your tolerance for such a living situation

    how old are your children? do they ask you if they can have their own rooms?


    my masterbedroom is those new flat types, hardly any space to walk

    but i do have a big comfortable sofa in the living room, and i can remove the shoe cabinets in the bomb shelter to make room for a small bed
  15. miloice

    miloice Active Member

    no leh... u were asking for opinion.
    Asking if its selfish and if you should go ahead.

    READ WHAT YOU WROTE. This is so typical. Reacting emotionally. With your kind of defensive mindset, its hard for anyone to live with you. That's why I think u need a lot of luck with super patient in laws and spouse.

    Nothing so wrong to have wishes. But, instead of working things out with your partner, u think about having a child as an excuse.

    I shared room with my bro and sis till 6 when my parents upgraded to 5 rm where my sis got the personal rm. And I continued to stay with my bro throughout. One thing I learnt, is be flexible. Work things out as a family. The replies pointed out to you that you never treated your inlaw as part of your own family. Hence turning the situation around for you. Yet, you still don't get it and chose to react this way.
  16. lisara

    lisara New Member

    Wow, getting pregnant for this reason is just a bit sad. Besides, sometimes it's not as easy as "I want to get pregnant within these 2 months" and then you will get pregnant! Some couples try for years!

    IMHO, you getting pregnant might just be the best reason for your ILs to move in! To help you look after your kid!

    I think it's better to have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband and maybe your ILs.
  17. xiao_nu_ren

    xiao_nu_ren New Member

    Eldest son - 5 yrs old
    Youngest son - 3 yrs old

    Nope. They are so comfortable sleeping with us. Everynight, it'll be pyjamas party + pillow fight before we settle down to sleep. I made my room into:
    1 x King Size mattress + 1 x Super Single mattress on the floor
    Daddy - Right side
    Mummy - Left side
    Kiddos - In the middle

    <font color="ff6000">Sex life??? We still steal moments doing exciting outside of home. In the car? Checking into Hotel 81 like 2 illicit lovers or.... Lock them out! MIL knows what will be going on, so she and helper will bring them to the playground.</font>

    And maybe, it's because I have 2 sons. I began to try to feel what my MIL feels. You know? Sons now belongs to DILs?! My husband is so insensitive to his mother's emotions, her needs.... Often neglecting her in the process. Now, I'm a mother of 2 sons. Somehow, I'll put myself into her position. Or visualize myself 20 yrs down the road. Will my sons treat me the same way?

    Or maybe, cos my mother also used to live with her MIL, my grandmother. Thus, it really taught me a great lot.

    As mentioned, I said I have loads of freedom. Freedom to go for holidays, go out dating with husband.... go out with friends..... With no worries. Cos, MIL loves being with my sons. Always will tell me assuringly, go and have fun. The kids are in good hands.

    I need not rush off from work, to pick them up from childcare on time. My kids are now in K1 and N1 respectively. 3.5hrs lesson cum 2hrs lesson. All taken care of by MIL + Helper. Lunch time, dinner time, showers.... I need to fret at all.

    There's a trade-off for everything. I read that your ILs are staying in rented flats. Why not put yourself in their shoes? And imagine if you were to have a son in future, and you are staying in rented flat. Don't you wish your sons can bring you home with them?
  18. dingdingding

    dingdingding New Member

    u might be surprise i'm actually feeling calm when typing all these n seeing everyone's comments

    i expected comments of all sorts here

    i just feel like saying something here in the forum

    and i know i need lots of luck, coz if i were really lucky, i would be a rich tai tai with a huge house at sentosa and i dun have to worry about facing other ppl's black face or attitude or personality
  19. miloice

    miloice Active Member

    so calm... but your replies suggests otherwise. I wonder why. [​IMG]

    No one is even insulting you. Don't u see that??

    "but i cannot help but to think of all the negative things in my life and i cannot help but to think of all the possible solutions to prevent myself from getting more negative in life"

    u r quick to excuse yourself as 'cannot help'. Its really your life your call. Do go ahead. But somehow, I don't think things will go your way loh. Once again, best of luck.

    Even the richest have their problems. And their wishes doesn't end either. Getting rich probably can help but it isn't going to solve all your problems for sure.
  20. dingdingding

    dingdingding New Member

    Chilli Queen, thanks for sharing, i really appreciate. it does seems a possible lifestyle to live with in laws.

    my mil is a gambler, does not stay at home at regular hours, does not cook, prefer the kichen to be free of oil, prefer to da bao everyday, she encourages my husband n i to gamble so that we cannot stop her from gambling, and she will mock at ppl who dont gamble so that if u happen to be a non-gambler u will feel that u r the weird one out

    hence i dun see any reasons how such an elder person can have good influence on my future children life n can help to take good care of my future children

    fil is step father of my husband. he does not have any child of his own. in the family, he hardly tok to us, he will not ask if we are ok, work is ok, money is ok, house reno is ok, wedding is ok, future is ok, etc. the most is 'have u eaten' once in a while.
  21. dingdingding

    dingdingding New Member

    MiLo On e RoCkS

    i told u it's hard for u to understand what i'm trying to say n how i feel... words r cold n mean n black n white here in forum

    i know u r super regular loyal forum member here giving ur best advices every work day without fail

    i'm seeking more for women opinions who can share their relationships n tried n tested methods living with in laws to tell me off, wake me up, or show some support, ppl who can share real life scenarios

    but of course i understand that all sorts of comments n opinions will appear becoz it's a forum afterall, and it's die hard loyal forum members that makes keeps the forum alive, otherwise there will be no channel for us new members to rant about our stuff

    i welcome all comments coz it helps me brainstorm

    thank you very much
  22. xiao_nu_ren

    xiao_nu_ren New Member

    FD,
    Being rich = being lonely. I grew up in a well-to-do family. But married into a average family.

    In my family, I get alot of space. So much space. Though I shared a room with my sister, but the space was unimaginable. But... I was lonely. Cos, dad too busy with work, mummy busy with going shopping, grandmother shuttling around to be with her other kids.... Saturdays/Sundays, on my school holidays.... I am all alone at home, in a Semi-D house. Not even a dog to keep me company. Scaring myself with thoughts of ghosts lurking at the dark corners everywhere.

    Having someone at home to face the black face + attitude, is really much better than a huge home at Sentosa, with monthly huge bills to worry about. Are the rich happy?

    Having family around, is the greatest joy and happiness one could every find. Try re-adjust mindset. Having kids, and staying with kids and hubby only, conflicts are bound to happen. Who knows, when you have kids, MIL will adjust her lifestyle? Everything there's a possibility.

    As always said, there's a trade-off for everything. You want money, you'll lose warmth.... You want family, money might not come in. Weigh the importance of each. I know, family = happiness. Money = loneliness.....

    Best of luck bah!
  23. cuclainne

    cuclainne New Member

    the person you should be talking to is your husband. he should be on the same page as you but if he's not, then you have to take it or leave it.
  24. miloice

    miloice Active Member

    FD,

    honestly, it is not exactly that difficult for me to understand. What you have described about your MIL, my own mum is so very much like that. Only much much worser.

    My own brother is living with my mum and SIL hates her to the core. Both are not talking. While I'm living with my MIL. Being the bridge between my wife and her mum. Wife has a short fuse and often loses her patience with her mum's constant naggings, complains and worries. Wife clearly acknowledges that I'm far better in handling the folks than her. Often, asking me for help to talk to her mum.

    You don't need a kid to stop your inlaws from living with you. U just need to be firm and have a supportive spouse. I was firm throughout with my mum. But I compensate the time lost by lunching with her daily. Also, I pull her to the gym as often as I could and we go bowling or shopping together occasionally. All these, I don't need the entire company or my wife to company me with.

    Dealing with folks is always an art especially with in-laws. There are not fixed rules. You need to be flexible and accomodating with your partner to work things out. Respect each other needs and prioritize them. I spent 20-30 over yrs fighting my own mum. Only learning how to appreciate and love her in ways she needs in the last 5 yrs.
  25. dingdingding

    dingdingding New Member

    i've spoken with my husband on these issues and i knw what he has in mind

    my mil n fil n husband didn't really 'live' together as a family, each of them only care about each individual lives, nobody show concern to one another, even reunion dinner they don't sit down together to eat, they take turns to eat, so needless to say, they don't dine out together as a family for the past 20++ years, and they don't do family activity together also

    fil just wants a place to stay
    mil just wants a place to stay and ppl to give money to her to gamble

    husband just don't want to hear mil nagging n complaining so will provide a room for them to stay since we don't have children now

    it's a no one takes charge kind of family situation
  26. texasholdem

    texasholdem New Member

    better pray that u will strike toto on monday.
    then buy a flat for them to stay.
  27. dingdingding

    dingdingding New Member

    i pray a lot already, must strike top prize toto coz they dun qualify to buy hdb, i must be able to afford private housing
  28. mum_of_2_girls

    mum_of_2_girls New Member

    Hi,

    You may want to consider old condo, less expensive, but the maintenance is higher.

    I can understand how you feel. Imagine if your MIL bring her gambling kakis to your house for a session.

    Now I can understand why some of my schoolmates only insist on dating rich guys.

    Though we may try to deny the fact, that money is not everything, the reality is sometimes money can really solve problems.
  29. lovingyou

    lovingyou New Member

    fd: I can sympathise how u feel. But I presume ur HB is also the only son ya? In such cases, there is not much options in a way, as being the only son, he has the obligations to take care of his mother, esp when his mother doesn't has a roof over her head in one way or another. Next, it is not a healthy thot to use children as an excuse to get anything... This is not fair to them in one way or another. U might want to consider working hardewr with your HB to get a bigger flat instead; I think this thot seems more practical?
  30. siobhanlee

    siobhanlee New Member

    Have your in-laws been renting a room all this while? What happened to the family home? What about asking your HB to talk to his siblings and you guys help to rent them a small flat for themselves..instead of having them rent a room if yr mil's major gripe is about her landlord. But sooner or later, your hb would have to deal with their lodgings issue.
  31. thommy

    thommy New Member

    have kids only when u love them and want to have them, not bcos of other reasons. to use a kid just to achieve your aims is appalling, to say the least.
  32. lovingyou

    lovingyou New Member

    I guess TS herself wants kids too? But the reason for the time being is a little not that right...
  33. dingdingding

    dingdingding New Member

    all along i've wanted kids, love children so much that when i see other ppl's kids, i can feel tears welling up inside me coz i knw that my situation wun allow to have kids

    in fact, i've been telling myself the past few months that i shouldn't think of having kids as such a situation will be unfair to them, not the kind of family lifestyle that i would want to give to my children

    i dun want my children to grow up in an environment where the elders encourage gambling or even if not involve in gambling oso show no objections to the habit

    i dun want my children to grow up wondering how come their friends can have their own study room and bedroom and they have to squeeze with us in a small house and in a small room without their own privacy especially nowadays children are very mature even when they are only in kindergarten or primary school

    i dun wan to just have one child to satisfy my desire to have a child and then let the child wonder why he or she cannot have other siblings and i have to tell them it's because we have no extra space for them or no extra money to have more children

    i dun want my children to live under a family situation where parents (mil fil) and son (husband) dun talk to each other and show no love and concern and go about leading their own lives and this kind of situation will make my children think they should behave like that also even if me and my husband treat each other with love and respect becoz me and husband (2 person), mil fil husband relationship (3 persons) it's negativity is leaning more towards majority

    or maybe i'm thinking too much on all these future issues

    but how not to think?

    and of course i know getting pregnant is not as if i want then i can get

    i've thought of a lot more other things

    i'm just still thinking and thinking and planning quietly in my head what might be the best out of my situation
  34. cys

    cys New Member

    Agree that having a gambler in the house is courting trouble, what if she owe loansharks, what if she bring her gambling khakis home, what if she teaches your children to gamble. It is also not positive education for children if parents and grandparents are cold towards eachother. Better to meet less with things to talk about rather than meet everyday and nothing to say.
    If HB has not given the confirmation that they can move in, why don't you make the decision and tell your MIL that your house is too small as you need the spare area as a study or have other use of it. You have a share in the house, nobody can force you to do what you don't want to do.
  35. ginasjm

    ginasjm New Member

    Hi fd, i agree that all you wanted is a normal environment for your kids. It's fair enough. But, have you communicate this to your hubby?

    Im currently pregnant with our first child. Thinking ahead is parent's instinct. My hubby did told me he would like his children to receive the same amount of opportunities in sports, education and living space which his parents had given to him. Though i come from a different background but I respect his wishes, knowing all he wants to give his kids the best he could, that's your intention.

    Kids picks up alot from the way their family communicates. Telling and showing my family that i love them is very important to me.

    Being married and planning for the future is a couple's thing. Your husband has to play his game. You can't be alone worrying and knowing that you need his support.
  36. its_fate

    its_fate Active Member

    Excuses!!

    It is YOU who are uncomfortable to have them in the house…. Just acknowledge that you don’t want them in. Don’t have to give so many reasons to sustain your points. No one out there can fault you wrong for doing so. It is your life/choice.

    I trust that as a parent, your hubby would also want to give the BEST to his children. Not ONLY you have such mentality .. He would have THINK twice before deciding to allow his parents to move in with him.

    Why didn’t you hubby get influence by them since they are the ONE who gave birth to him? Think again..

    Ps: Make sure you hubby don’t know you have such “planning†to have a baby in order to “prevent†you ILS from moving in…You still require his “tool†ok.. You plan will be a flop should there be no sex life.. [​IMG]
  37. wjchiang

    wjchiang Member

    fd,

    what sort of "gambler" is your mil? she goes to the underground gambling den? from the way u've put it, doesn't sound like she has enough money to gamble so much?
  38. miloice

    miloice Active Member

    The idea that gamblers will get into debts with loan sharks is pretty stereo-typing.
  39. powder

    powder Active Member

    fd,

    actually the simplest thing here is simply to say No to your in-laws... i see no point bringing a child to this world just becos u can't say No, and going thru one Huge circle and screwing everyone in the process.

    as much as u wanna blame your husband or in-laws, u simply need to say No... which falls on yourself.
  40. the_giving_tree

    the_giving_tree New Member

    we should not judge fd's wish not to live with her in-laws but her plan to have a child so as to prevent her in-laws from moving in is not getting to the root of the problem and unfair to the unborn child (child is used as a tool).

    We can show our love and care to our folks without having to live with them. Some can live with their folks but some can't. So we should not generalize. Chilli Queen can live harmoniously with her in-laws but that doesn't mean her situation applies for everyone. She is lucky to have a considerate MIL and probably, her personality gels with her MIL's as well.

    fd, you should discuss this issue with your husband in a more concrete way. Find out from him what his concern is. If it is simply a place for them to stay, then it's much simpler. But if loves the idea of living with his parents or thinks that by being filial, he has to live with his mum, then it's a much harder issue to resolve.

    For your information, I have lived with my MIL for 18 years and we don't get along at all. The relationship is very strained. There was once she lived on her own for 8 months and our relationship improved. We met up for meals and I would make an effort to buy groceries for her. Hubby also called her every day to check on her and we would both accompanied her for important medical appointments (not that we don't when we live together). When she was sick, she knew she could come back to our home to recuperate.

    So, every family is different and we should not be quick to judge.
  41. noknok

    noknok New Member

    Since no body seems to want to stay together but just wants a place to stay, how about finding another room to rent for them?? Where did your hubby stay before you got married?
  42. hoddioo

    hoddioo New Member

    u dont need MUCH space for ur baby geez

    u just dont wanna share the place and resort to such a lowly method to "stop" them from moving in

    simply tell them not to move in and don't get pregnant. you are not mature enough to be a mum yet.
  43. sprouts

    sprouts New Member

    what's wrong with not wanting to stay with in-laws?

    filial piety is overrated!! it's one thing to take good care of ur parents/parents-in-law but is it so impt that you must happily want to stay with them?

    i think to each his/her own.


    i won't expect my children to stay with me unless i need to be taken care of when i m really old etc.

    same thing with my parents, they don't expect it and i have put it across to my bf and he agrees.

    u can stay apart and still visit them regularly. staying together doesn't mean anything if u are going to be unhappy and fall out with them!!
  44. joiedevivre

    joiedevivre New Member

    Staying with in laws will increase friction within the family. Let's be realistic about it. If you start arguing because you cannot see eye to eye, the result will be worse than if you were staying apart. I personally know one case of mil and dil problem that ended with divorce for the couple.

    I would say go and talk to your hubby again to see if really needed for them to live with you... If he still says yes they need to move in, then you have to start adjusting your attitude and try to tolerate them. Bcos you must also respect his opinion. Otherwise, confirm you will quarrel with them and your hb will feel stuck in between and frustrated etc. Try not to let it happen to you and your marriage.

    Another thing, not all gamblers are bad people... in Singapore so many people gamble on mahjong, 4D, toto, etc... Don't judge her so soon. Moderate gambling as long as no borrow from loan sharks and not addicted is ok. Maybe she not as bad as you think. After all, she brought up your hubby and he is normal.

    You married her son. He can't be that bad if you choose him right? So you cannot say that having a gambler mum or grandma will definitely be a bad influence.
  45. altiora

    altiora Member

    Hey fd,

    It may not be a good idea to get pregnant, cos you never know, it may totally backfire. Your in-laws may use the pregnancy as an excuse, to move in to take care of the baby! Most newborns actually stay in the master bedroom with the parents, you know, so that the parents can attend to it every 2-3 hourly for feeding, changing diapers, etc, so it does not really require a room by itself.

    Hope this helps. Good luck!
  46. lingzicy

    lingzicy New Member

    Hi FD, I understand how you feel.. U stay in how many rooms flat? I guess its no point staying together with your ILs if they are the type who "doesnt really" want to stay with you all but just to find a shelter to cover their heads.. for my case, my dad wana stay in with us... I say no to him.. coz he is a drunkard.. how to stay with him.. its not a matter of which side of parents we are saying but is the type of parents instead... Some people are lucky to have ILs who are good, can take care of their kids... but not all people have good ILs... Its easy to invite them to move in... but in future, if conflicts arises, cant stay together... it be awkward to ask them to move out.. I guess its better to think carefully and discuss in details with your husband to think for the long run...

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