Should I continue?

NswJ

New Member
Time is ticking.

Hi everyone, I need some advice here. Should I continue or call off the wedding?

I am a 30 year old man, and I know guys do not speak of these matters very openly, but I am at my wits end.

I have known G most of my life and we have been dating for 10 years now. We have been through Ns, Uni, and overseas postings and although it has been tough, we still manage to pull through. Our relationship has not been the smoothest of sails, punctuated by quite a bit of quarrelling. However lately thing have been getting worse. All happened after the proposal.

I popped the question in April, and it seems that since then, we have been bickering non stop over the tiniest of things, most of the quarrels seem to stem from what I perceive as a lack of consideration from her. She would reject simple things like my requests for a bedtime song and story. She naturally would not even hold my hand when we are together, I always am the one doing it. We have gone almost 2 months without sex, as I have noticed that I am the one always initiating and therefore I have stopped to see if she if she would initiate some form of intimacy, but no 2 months later and nothing has happened. I know that she earns half what I do, and I do not complain when I have to pay for most things (I assume that it is a "guy" thing to do) . She spends a lot on her facials, hair, ect ect but when it comes to shared bills, she is always reluctant to pull out her purse, even on the odd occasion. I feel that she is insensitive toward money and time, late all the time and very spend thrift (insisting that I fork out 3000 for flowers and sulking when I say that I can't afford it). She promised that she will cook if she had a kitchen, we went on holiday, I gave her cash to go shopping and rented a house with a fully stocked kitchen. She came up with excuse after excuse not to cook. She says she does not want to have sex at home, I take her out to a stay cation but all she does is sleeps until I initiate . I don't even get a hello kiss when I see her after work! I once even told her, even your dog seems happier to see me than you. Cos when I go over, knock the door, she just says a hello turns around and plops on the couch. No hug no kiss. Even her dog will pounce on me.

Whenever she is late, or when she passes a hurtful comment, I make it known to her gently but she never apologises. Her reason is " mum taught me not to apologise to anyone if I don't mean it". This is the most hurtful thing. As whenever we quarrel, I am the one always ending up saying sorry. I am always the one rushing down to her place to reconcile. There are too many things that have been said which I find rude and hurtful. For instance, just today, she arranged to go out with me at 930 am. I called at 9 to see if she was ready she said no plans changed now 11 am. Here I am all changed and ready to pick her up and I said "hey if plans had changed why didn't u inform me?" all she can say is, "what u want me to do? Apologise? Everything I do also wrong." I try not to lose my temper at her, directing all the anger inside. This has lead me to depression, and when she sees me sinking and even when I tell her, all she can do is say . "What you want me to do? I don't know what I ca do for you" . yes all I need is a hug and tell me everything is fine. Is that too much to ask?

These are simple tiny issues that seem basic. But as a daily affair, it gets pretty weary.

We have been going for couples counselling regularly for almost a year now. And I have been putting all that we learnt into practice. But as soon as the session is over, everything we have discussed seems to be forgotten. I feel that My relationship lacks intimacy, initiative, and communication.

I do still love her, I am engaged now, HDB is coming soon, my family and friends love her, I spent more than $20k on wedding preparations already. Time is ticking. Should I continue? Should I bail?
 


buddhabar

Active Member
Whatever is your decision, the hdb, the 20k deposit, whoever parents and time vested SHOULD NOT be part of the deciding factor. Marriage is about the future that lies ahead and the not base on past credentials.

Trust me.... when a marriage fails, the lost is far more than those mentioned.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Dude, there is no commitment on her side, you basically spoil her all these while taking in all the shit. You have responsibility in that. Why continue when you don't see a future. I would suggest to have a good talk and ask for the commitment to make it work, to make the relationship HAPPY and fulfilling. Things like women initiating sex, well, you need to accept her level of sexual appetite. It aren't going to change, maybe with age, yes, they get hornier later. Other than that, if she doesn't initiate, she never will.

In a way, yes, it is no point to apologize when one isn't sincere about it. What is much more worrying is that the relationship is not worth more the personal pride. That, there is no way to agree to disagree. You guys are fighting over nothing, what more when you guys start a marriage and family. Personally, I am mostly the one that make peace and apologize as well. We apologise not to agree but to assure that we care. It is important to reassure and put the foot strongly on this. You don't wiggle on your stand to compromise and at the same time, demonstrate composure to make the disagreement lovingly.

Sustainability of the finances and motions are both important. Every girl loves to be pampered however, if it will be unsustainable to spend beyond your income. Do what is possible within the budget, this discipline is something to be shared. Yes, there will be disappointment but it is always about making the most out of limited resources.

You have here a spoil princess that expects and demand to be pampered. You are taken for granted because you never made your pampering count for something. Like fishing, there is a need to pull and let go at the right time, this is the only way you can get the big fish with your limited (resources) thread strength and rod. There is no right and wrong in relationships, if it is heading the wrong way and you know there is no way to stop it from going down that slippery slope, cut it off. Take that responsibility, she might resent and hate you for it. You only live once. Everyone have the right to choose and be happy.
 
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miloice

Well-Known Member
one more thing....
"She would reject simple things like my requests for a bedtime song and story"

this is weird, maybe just your kinky craving to be treated like a small boy. Frankly, who needs a bedtime song and story?!?
 

NswJ

New Member
Thanks for the reply buddhabar and miloice,

The bedtime story and song is to highlight simple requests, like "hey I'm tired, can I have a backrub (reply: no I don't have any upper body strength / I don't know how to do a back rub)" or "do you mind meeting me at my office today then we can go out for dinner (reply: no it's very far and inconvenient)" or "can we sit down and do a financial review of our income so that we can account for our finances? (reply: I have managed my own income all these years, and it turned out fine. I don't like, to sit and talk about finance I don't want to be controlled.)"

She says she is trying. But how? She said she wanted to manage the family fund. I said well okay, we need to sit and talk money then, please arrange some time near our payday so that we can talk. ( reply : ok / result: it has been one month, I don't wanna nag I remind her that we have to do the meeting, she has yet to plan for one).

She says she is cold and distant because I told her long ago that the nature of my work sees me moving around a lot and I need an independent woman, and now that she is in that mode, she can't get out of it.

I totally agree to the apology thing. Even at marriage encounter, when we were supposed to write down something that we are sorry about, she says she can think of nothing, because she does not remember negative things. She also gets very upset when I "show face" in public. For instance when she says something insensitive in front of other people and I get offended, I nudge her and frown, later she will give me the cold shoulder for a long while and say that I should not give her that look in front of other people. Well I do apologise for doing it, but when I said it is because she made a joke and I was offended her reply would be "say only what. But you should not "show face" at me in front of people. Will she apologise for doing so? No.

You are right to say that this is all nothing but a clash of pride. Trivial compared to other problems.. I with this childishness will resolve.. Tomorrow tomorrow should I continue..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
there is no fixed solution, however, you guys need to find a sustainble manner to resolve your differences. This is key, the communication channel when in conflict. Its easy in honeymoon, but not necessary so tough when its rough once there is there is mutual understanding and right level of commitment. If you cannot get the commitment no matter what you guys do, then the writings are all on the wall. Being independent doesn't mean the lack of intimacy, this is necessary for every relationship. Intimacy itself is far more important than sex alone. It could lead to sex but it much more, it is what keeps the emotions refreshed and strong. When intimacy is turning cold, it takes effort to rekindle it. When its stone cold, one cannot force it back, it is already lost.
 
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buddhabar

Active Member
it seems to me your relationship has gone petty over time. both of you have lost that patient and benevolence for each other. think back .... when you first met and first got together, were you both this edgy and quick to react to jibes and actions. if you guys can't get work this out now, the next 30 years of marriage life will be ... like this. please remember marriage is not a solution in any relationship problem.
 

NswJ

New Member
Yes that is very true I have to admit. I still love her very much but things are just breaking up in front of me. We have been through a lot as a couple. I'm torn. I was hoping if we moved in together there would be some connection. Maybe we can build a stronger bond. I don't know
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Yes that is very true I have to admit. I still love her very much but things are just breaking up in front of me. We have been through a lot as a couple. I'm torn. I was hoping if we moved in together there would be some connection. Maybe we can build a stronger bond. I don't know

How would staying together build a stronger bond when there is no commitment on her part. From what you are mentioning in here, she hasn't put in the heart in the relationship frankly. It is hopeless to depend on hope. When we decide to marry, it is with confidence with someone we are so looking forward to living with for the rest of our lives. If there isn't need motivation, why marry?
 

Jehvy

Member
Yes that is very true I have to admit. I still love her very much but things are just breaking up in front of me. We have been through a lot as a couple. I'm torn. I was hoping if we moved in together there would be some connection. Maybe we can build a stronger bond. I don't know


I personally think you know and have the answers as to what is best to do with your relationship. You are just struggling to come to terms with it since you have spent 1o years of your youth with her and you have been expecting a “happy ending in matrimony” with her all these years.

Love is build, sustained and nurtured when there is commitment, responsibility and mutual understanding between a couple. I don’t sense any from her from what you have mentioned. To expect that commitment or any change in her attitude after the marriage is even harder. If you have doubts, don’t commit yourself because it will only lead to a heartbreak.
 

NswJ

New Member
Thank you miloice and jehvy, well I mentioned to her today that we needed to talk and she replied that she has a facial appointment after work and would be too tired after that to deal with heavy emotions. She said we could meet for supper but we'll talk about it another day. She proposed Friday to chat about what was going on. I said why wait so long I would take mc from my night shift tomorrow just to talk to her. She said no, work is important, I replied, I don't understand how you can let me go to work in this state. Now she says ok we can meet tonight after the facial appointment.

I don't know what to think of it.
 

NswJ

New Member
I feel like renting an apartment for the time being and see if we can work things out by being closer in proximity what do you think?
 
Just follow your heart & do what u think can help. I can see you have been trying hard to make it work. Seems like she is the less sensitive party and prephas you have been pampering her too much that she didnt realise her behaviours can cause so much hurt to you.

Just wana share this w you
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


Regards,
Fioeve
 

NswJ

New Member
So tonight I met up with her at 11. We sat in the car, bought drinks and proceeded to chat. I said I'll keep quiet so say what you feel about everything that has been happening. She proceeded to talk about how awkward things are between her and my family (basically complaining about how everyone seems to be more interested in my brothers new wife and ignoring her) and also how I seem to nag at everything she does. Like asking her to be more punctual, communicate with me more, change into new clothes before jumping into my bed,etc.

It was getting late so I told her, I want to know, what your intentions are and what she was willing to do to strengthen the relationship. She continued to repeat what she said earlier in the conversation, saying I don't text her when she is at work, that I am very calculating when it comes to the wedding budget and other things. I asked again what was she going to do to strengthen the relationship. Her answer was I don't know, we will see what need to be done.

By then, it was almost 130 am and late so I drove her home and stopped at the foot of her blocks. I had prepared a letter to read if I had decided to call everything off. I felt so bad already that I was numb as I felt she could not even tell me in what way she was willing to meet me halfway. I sat there clutching the letter but I could not bring myself to do it. So I said it is late. Go home. Then she reached over and tried to hug me at that moment I was too numb of emotion that I pushed her hand away wanting to tell her that at this point it would take more than a hug to improve things. On hindsight I should have went along with the hug. She told me she felt shocked at my reaction walked off crying. I'm torn..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
yo dude, seems she is still like a little girl. You cannot demand a person to grow. If you are willing to wait for her to grow up, you gotta be that patient guide. It is not sitting there waiting for things to happen. It is in a way, like a parent, empathize and encouraging the kid through every mini step, giving her lots of feedback, making her see from more than her own perspective. Once again, there is no right and wrong. You guys are not in the same page in terms of expectations and maturity. The gap can be bridged but it takes a lot of time and commitment.
 

NswJ

New Member
So we met again tonight. Now I am seriously thinking of moving out and renting because I am very suffocated in my parent's home with the in ability to have intimate contact (we are both 30 by the way). So happened she wanted to meet after work and therefore had to follow me to view some apartments.

So after the viewings she began her usual pouring out of frustrations and unhappiness, and I just kept quiet. I was on the brink of calling it off when suddenly she turned, asked me to shut up and gave me a hug saying that we will try to go on more dates and to spend more time together. And there was no need to move out and upset my parents, waste money, and further more it will be a hassle for her and she is unwilling to move out with me because she is "pampered" at home.

So my points were
1. She does not need to move in with me just come over as and when ( she says she rather go on staycations now and then)

2. My parents are actually very supportive of my move (she says that if I do, in the future, our children would move out on us)

3. Money is not "wasted" as I am seeing it as a good opportunity to rekindle the romance by having some time together. And I am investing in this relationship. The cash is actually surplus reserved for future investments but for a temporary move I think it is a good idea.

4. This location is near an mrt station, with two direct busses to our workplaces.

She says she can see no way this could help the relationship and that we should just stay status quo and she what happens after the wedding

Any thoughts? Will moving out help?
 

BerryDreamy

Member
IMO, i always believe that couples should try to stay together before marriage. This move will enable us to know each other differences better and it also let us know whether can we accept each other character & differences.

From what I read, it seems that she is kinda stagnant in the relationship.

Sorry to say, i felt that she is stagnant till the extend is becoming selfish (in terms in a relationship). It seems that whatever happen, she will thought of her feelings first before taking into consideration on whether her words will hurt you.

She is also very used of you around as she felt that u will not leave her....however i can tell, in deep, she is very afraid of losing you...

(Pardon me, I might be wrong cos i'm only based on what you wrote)

Instead of moving out and getting her to stay with you. Why not give each other some time to think about it? This mean by not contacting each other for a while...Go for a break, have some alone time, clear your mind and have some serious thoughts...

Ask urself, are u getting married because you are used to each other presence or because you truly love each other?
 

bearine

Member
So we met again tonight. Now I am seriously thinking of moving out and renting because I am very suffocated in my parent's home with the in ability to have intimate contact (we are both 30 by the way). So happened she wanted to meet after work and therefore had to follow me to view some apartments.

So after the viewings she began her usual pouring out of frustrations and unhappiness, and I just kept quiet. I was on the brink of calling it off when suddenly she turned, asked me to shut up and gave me a hug saying that we will try to go on more dates and to spend more time together. And there was no need to move out and upset my parents, waste money, and further more it will be a hassle for her and she is unwilling to move out with me because she is "pampered" at home.

So my points were
1. She does not need to move in with me just come over as and when ( she says she rather go on staycations now and then)

2. My parents are actually very supportive of my move (she says that if I do, in the future, our children would move out on us)

3. Money is not "wasted" as I am seeing it as a good opportunity to rekindle the romance by having some time together. And I am investing in this relationship. The cash is actually surplus reserved for future investments but for a temporary move I think it is a good idea.

4. This location is near an mrt station, with two direct busses to our workplaces.

She says she can see no way this could help the relationship and that we should just stay status quo and she what happens after the wedding

Any thoughts? Will moving out help?

We (my hubby & me) are so similar in some ways. For me, I see him as a very emotional person. Unable to set work and personal life apart (taking MC for a chat), which often pissed me. I'm a super practical person, if it doesnt produce some tangible result, it is hard for me to agree to do it. In this aspect, relationship is something intangible. So, for me..

1) Prefers staycation over rental. staycations allow me to break away from daily life, whereas rental does not. I still face the same environment and traces of work/life still can be seen in the house. The feeling is different.

2) She is most likely finding a reason for you not to do it. But you cant say she is totally wrong, as you will never know your kid will use this example as well. So she sees her reasoning as a valid point. But for me, isnt it better for my kid to move out and not bother me on daily basis.

3) Money is wasted as I would rather save it for frequent small trips overseas. Like what you said, the cash is surplus for future investments, so why do I want a change of plan, and to pour it into something I dun even know the rate of "success".

4) Location may seems like a convenient, but my current way of travelling isnt soooo inconvenient. I have been surviving well now, it doesnt give a good reason why I should do that move. That extra few hundred per mth, I can even take cab everyday. Isnt that more comfortable compared to squeezing with pple on transport.

By moving in together, I'm 90% sure you will discover much more difference. And the thought of spending a few thousand to rekindle will always be at the back of my head. I feel that all is just a matter of tolerance. But by placing "happy moments" around the house helps me alot.

If you really want to move, just do it, only then she can really "feel" the change. Is hard to just say and expect her to accept since it is intangible. Set a "trial" period.

Happy wife = happy life. A bias quote. But it works both ways. I'm still at the stage of "maturing", above are my personal view on the idea of moving, may not be true for your SO.
PS. You can try PPHS scheme since you are waiting for BTO.
 
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meimei1601

Member
Marriage is a 2 party thing, u need to have the love and patient to stay on with her and she needs to have the love and patient with u. The vows says to death till us apart.

If u still feel unsure maybe u can delay or postponed the wedding, till things get settle.

Marriage is a new journey not a destination. Marriage doesn't mean all this will end and everything will be happy after. It does bring in more issue more problems and new villains of character. No matter what problems u are facing now. Both need to know the problem and communicate them.

Ur little request to build passion in relationship is rejected maybe due to some barrier that she is not willing to cross. U guys have been together way long enough to understand each other. So both have to walk together. But to me, she doesn't seem want to face the issues and communicate the problems, if u decide to carry marrying her this way. Accept who she is before married and accept who she are after married. Don't find these reasons on her if u can't take it.
 

chloe1558

Member
Bro, in my point of view u really need to think twice before u getting married.
Pray to god and seeks Him for guidance.
Good luck and move on~
 

seratoh

Member
Why get a bimbo to spend your money and u can't even enjoy that pussy. Get a real women who will stick to u when u are poor as ****., who will build the empire with u.
 

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