Insecurities with girlfriend's job

sunnysamtan

New Member
I've been dating my girlfriend for two years. We've talked about marriage briefly and casually but as we are still quite young, we have no concrete plans to settle down in the near future. The first year with my girlfriend was a very loving year. We respect each other and have full trust in one another till she found a second job (her current job actually) as a personal assistant. As a personal assistant to her superior, she needs to travel frequently overseas with him and also has a lot more interaction and contact with him than me I would say. I am usually not the easily get jealous sort of boyfriend but I don't feel good about this one. Maybe it's due to the nature of her job, she has to respond to every beck and call of her superior. Sometimes it even affects our dates on weekends. For instance, we could have a date on Saturday and a last minute call from 'him' would make her fly to his side for work. It makes me feel he did this on purpose. This sometimes ridiculously involves parties (business dealings as she claims) on yachts or private meetings with him in a hotel room or resort. I have not met this guy but somehow, my gut instinct tells me that I can't trust him and in fact I don't trust him more. My girlfriend is generally an innocent (sometimes somewhat naive) girl that I'm afraid she would be taken advantage of one day.

I have broached the topic before with her but she just reassured me that it's all professional work and that there's nothing going on. Despite her reassurance, I just felt uncomfortable about her working hours and nature of her job. I don't think it's fair for me to request her to quit her job. We have a great relationship thus far and I don't want to ruin it too but I just can't get rid of these uneasy feelings.

Am I reading too much into these? Is there something I could do to improve the situation?
 


miloice

Well-Known Member
what her boss is expecting from PA is beyond professional if it is off office hours and happening regularly. Suggest you to not harp on your jealousy or insecurity. Rather, on how unprofessional her boss is to contact and expect staff to respond and follow-up in their personal time. There is no work life balance for this kind of job. It is only a PA job mind you. Not a management role.
 

Georgian

New Member
You seem to be a pretty balance guy, trust your instinct. The kind of demands and places they are meetings for work does not seem right, unless she is in a very unique industry, entertainment, etc
If you bring these up, telling her about how you felt, if she understand where you are coming from, she will look for something more appropriate.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
so u think the boss is up to no gd and wanna do something to save ur gf?

well lincoln said to test a man's character, give him power...

and i say to test ur main squeeze's character, give him/her freedom.
 

sanitee

New Member
your instinct is right.
i cannot imagine being at the beck and call of someone i have no affection for.
 
this totally doesnt sound right at all.

I hope everything is fine for TS.

personally if this happens to me, i will speak to my gf seriously and explore the option for a change of job since this job breeds insecurity in the relationship.

Its not healthy at all.
 

NataDesCoco

New Member
Having worked as a PA before, I have to say that being at your boss's beck and call is actually totally part of the job scope.

I think the type of work you end up doing as a PA would depend a lot on what kind of boss you are actually working for. Supposedly if your boss was only an employee like yourself, being a PA would be less invasive. (No weird parties and hotel meetings)

If your boss was the person actually paying your salary, then too bad, you're pretty much like their maid. I have had the "pleasure" of working for 2 different bosses before, both were millionaires, and both were asses. Having to answer the phone at 11pm on a Saturday night just to attend an event with them on a Sunday morning was not my idea of fun, amongst the other weird things they ask you to do.

I'd say pay attention to how she talks about her boss (because surely she will mention him often). If she only has praises for him then you were probably right to be on guard about it. If it was anything like my case where I'm just treating it as a job, that too will be obvious. (Maybe from the complains, lol.)

Since you didn't mention if she seemed happy at her current job, it's a bit hard to gauge what her situation is with her superior. Is her boss a young and attractive man or an old and married man?

Depending on your answers to that, maybe you might just be reading too much into it?
 

sunnysamtan

New Member
Thank you, all, for responding. I, too, think like miloice...what kind of personal assistant would have to do that sort of work? She's not even that highly paid like a professional. Besides that, such work hardly qualifies as professional to me. I have tried highlighting to her how unprofessional all these last-minute meetings were but she was quite nonchalant about it and just brushed it off as part of her job and that she couldn't help it. I'm still troubled by this problem. It is hard to tell if my gf is evading my 'questioning' or there's really nothing wrong. I agree that only time will tell if everything's alright but as a human being too, I can't wait for time to tell. Yet, I don't want to act like an immature adult to give ultimatums like 'it's your boss or me' kind of message (though sometimes my heart feels this way). I'm not willing to let go of this relationship because practically everything else is going great between us except for times when she had to 'exit like a cinderella'.

NataDesCoco, thank you for sharing your job experiences. She doesn't really praise her boss or complains about him. My gf has an amiable and friendly personality which sometimes makes it difficult for me to understand when she's upset or angry. Hearing such information does allay my fears a bit but well, her boss is a young man. Whether he's attractive or not, it's subjective. Let's just say he's young, not married and not fat.
 
Thank you, all, for responding. I, too, think like miloice...what kind of personal assistant would have to do that sort of work? She's not even that highly paid like a professional. Besides that, such work hardly qualifies as professional to me. I have tried highlighting to her how unprofessional all these last-minute meetings were but she was quite nonchalant about it and just brushed it off as part of her job and that she couldn't help it. I'm still troubled by this problem. It is hard to tell if my gf is evading my 'questioning' or there's really nothing wrong. I agree that only time will tell if everything's alright but as a human being too, I can't wait for time to tell. Yet, I don't want to act like an immature adult to give ultimatums like 'it's your boss or me' kind of message (though sometimes my heart feels this way). I'm not willing to let go of this relationship because practically everything else is going great between us except for times when she had to 'exit like a cinderella'.

NataDesCoco, thank you for sharing your job experiences. She doesn't really praise her boss or complains about him. My gf has an amiable and friendly personality which sometimes makes it difficult for me to understand when she's upset or angry. Hearing such information does allay my fears a bit but well, her boss is a young man. Whether he's attractive or not, it's subjective. Let's just say he's young, not married and not fat.

For me, what you describe certainly doesnt sound ok/good at all. Maybe im pessimistic but i think you shld be prepared for the worst but still hope for the best.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
How about you try to let her see things in her own light.
Tell her you just had a new female boss who think
highly of you and is keen in nurturing you. As a result
you need to support her operations and work requirements.
every now including Sat night.
I feel that your GF is pretty happy to oblige to her boss.
It's very easy for a girl to fall over a more mature and successful man
whom they are in constant close contact, we all know that.
You need to more attentive, you are losing her IMO
 
How about you try to let her see things in her own light.
Tell her you just had a new female boss who think
highly of you and is keen in nurturing you. As a result
you need to support her operations and work requirements.
every now including Sat night.
I feel that your GF is pretty happy to oblige to her boss.
It's very easy for a girl to fall over a more mature and successful man
whom they are in constant close contact, we all know that.
You need to more attentive, you are losing her IMO
totally agree with you that TS is losing his girl
 

ohsammy

Member
I've been dating my girlfriend for two years. We've talked about marriage briefly and casually but as we are still quite young, we have no concrete plans to settle down in the near future. The first year with my girlfriend was a very loving year. We respect each other and have full trust in one another till she found a second job (her current job actually) as a personal assistant. As a personal assistant to her superior, she needs to travel frequently overseas with him and also has a lot more interaction and contact with him than me I would say. I am usually not the easily get jealous sort of boyfriend but I don't feel good about this one. Maybe it's due to the nature of her job, she has to respond to every beck and call of her superior. Sometimes it even affects our dates on weekends. For instance, we could have a date on Saturday and a last minute call from 'him' would make her fly to his side for work. It makes me feel he did this on purpose. This sometimes ridiculously involves parties (business dealings as she claims) on yachts or private meetings with him in a hotel room or resort. I have not met this guy but somehow, my gut instinct tells me that I can't trust him and in fact I don't trust him more. My girlfriend is generally an innocent (sometimes somewhat naive) girl that I'm afraid she would be taken advantage of one day.

I have broached the topic before with her but she just reassured me that it's all professional work and that there's nothing going on. Despite her reassurance, I just felt uncomfortable about her working hours and nature of her job. I don't think it's fair for me to request her to quit her job. We have a great relationship thus far and I don't want to ruin it too but I just can't get rid of these uneasy feelings.

Am I reading too much into these? Is there something I could do to improve the situation?

Have you ever had the opportunity to meet her boss before? If not, maybe you should try to drop by her office to pick her up sometimes. That way you can get a better reading of who he is like as a person...
 

tomasulu

Member
Even if there is nothing between them now, it will remain a dark possibility in your mind. Also a demanding boss is one thing, your gfs devotion to her job/him is frankly disconcerting. Yacht? Hotel room? Resort?? She needs to set her boundaries with her boss.
 
Even if there is nothing between them now, it will remain a dark possibility in your mind. Also a demanding boss is one thing, your gfs devotion to her job/him is frankly disconcerting. Yacht? Hotel room? Resort?? She needs to set her boundaries with her boss.
very agree with this... and any reasonable/good boss will respect these boundaries. I would say, speak to her on a serious note about this.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Thank you, all, for responding. I, too, think like miloice...what kind of personal assistant would have to do that sort of work? She's not even that highly paid like a professional. Besides that, such work hardly qualifies as professional to me. I have tried highlighting to her how unprofessional all these last-minute meetings were but she was quite nonchalant about it and just brushed it off as part of her job and that she couldn't help it. I'm still troubled by this problem. It is hard to tell if my gf is evading my 'questioning' or there's really nothing wrong. I agree that only time will tell if everything's alright but as a human being too, I can't wait for time to tell. Yet, I don't want to act like an immature adult to give ultimatums like 'it's your boss or me' kind of message (though sometimes my heart feels this way). I'm not willing to let go of this relationship because practically everything else is going great between us except for times when she had to 'exit like a cinderella'.

NataDesCoco, thank you for sharing your job experiences. She doesn't really praise her boss or complains about him. My gf has an amiable and friendly personality which sometimes makes it difficult for me to understand when she's upset or angry. Hearing such information does allay my fears a bit but well, her boss is a young man. Whether he's attractive or not, it's subjective. Let's just say he's young, not married and not fat.

Yo buddy, power and authority in older men are natural attraction to many women. The kind of confident and bossy behavior that appeals. You can check on how professional dating coaches are advising the senior men, it comes naturally with the experience and exposure that they possess through life. Young men have a different appeal to women, and they will mostly fail trying to impress the same way. It is really instinctive. Mostly, women don't even realize, and might say such behavior are turn off. Anyway, temptations are part of life, something your partner needs to learn to cope, you can feedback for her to realize and reflect. Beyond that, you cannot really do much. You cannot cage her. Let her go, give her freedom and for both of you to sort out your priorities, clear up the mind. If she comes back, your relationship will get stronger.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
any reasonable/good boss will respect these boundaries.
a good boss can only respect these boundaries if the recipient establishes them, else men being men....one thing will leads to another.

TS.... Women are easily swept off by mature and successful men simply by the sense of assurance and steadiness they offer effortlessly.
I call this the sense of security, and feel of being cosily taken care of is very intimate and deeply felt by women knowing or unknowingly.
The last thing you should do is to kick up a fuss and reaffirm her you are just a childish little boy. Man it up and embrace her fears and
insecurities and let her know that you are capable of taking care of her well being, emotionally and physically. I think you should act fast,
once she's swayed.... you cant turn her back, really....if you know women at all.
 
a good boss can only respect these boundaries if the recipient establishes them, else men being men....one thing will leads to another.

TS.... Women are easily swept off by mature and successful men simply by the sense of assurance and steadiness they offer effortlessly.
I call this the sense of security, and feel of being cosily taken care of is very intimate and deeply felt by women knowing or unknowingly.
The last thing you should do is to kick up a fuss and reaffirm her you are just a childish little boy. Man it up and embrace her fears and
insecurities and let her know that you are capable of taking care of her well being, emotionally and physically. I think you should act fast,
once she's swayed.... you cant turn her back, really....if you know women at all.

How is TS supposed to "man it up and embrace her fears and insecurities?"

Actually i have questions though, if there is fear and insecurities, why do ladies choose to seek security in someone else rather than to work in out with current partners?

Anyway, do agree on that part that good boss will respect the boundaries only if the recipient establishes them.

A part of me feels that TS's girl is taking TS's trust for granted.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
Sorry, I over summarized I guessed. I meant to say that TS GF may haven't drawn the line because she could be
attracted to something from her boss that is missing from their relationship which I the security and assurance all
women craves for. TS should self reflect if his behavior and actions are a concern in their relationship.
When one isn't fulfill at home, one will naturally seek refuge out there.
 

ohsammy

Member
There will always be something missing in any relationship. I feel the point is to know how to accept these shortcomings and grow together as a couple.... and not look to satisfy your "missing" factors by looking elsewhere.
 

Jaron

New Member
Get her to quit this position, and take on another job. Talk to her sincerely about your negative sentiments once again, and I can tell that if she truly loves you more than her job, she will quit this job instantly knowing you are emotionally affected by it.
If she is insistent on holding on to this position, it shows explicitly who is given priority, her job over her bf. So you might want to reconsider even marrying her if she chooses the latter outcome I described.
 

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