AD or ROM first?

Hi all,
i'm not sure is this is the right forum place to post this. but my htb and i recently been quarreling non stop regarding this matter.

as our bto flat will be ready early 2016, i would wish to have a AD wedding + solemnization all done in one day, and later on concentrate on doing our house reno. however my htb mum didn't want me to stay tgth with them after married while waiting for our house to be ready.

on the other hand, my htb suggest that we could solemnize first, followed by renovating our house and then proceed to the full AD wedding. however i feel that its tooo dragging. i know his concern is due to money issue and his mum, however, i feel that after married, we could still continue to stay at each individual house .

i wonder who have the same issue as me, hope to hear some advance

For mine is ROM this yr march & follow by AD on 2016. I feel that AD is just a ceremony . Most important is the marriage cert. previously i also wanna do ROM & AD (banquet) tgt in one day but it's better to plan things slowly then rush everything all in one day. It will be tiring for the Groom & Bride too . So my advise is ROM first then AD .

I'll be having rom n ad on e same day in sep2014. But we will still b staying apart until house is ready in end 2015. Try having a chat w him again n run thru pros n cons of having same say vs diff days?

I really don't understand why couples nowadays are so hurry to ROM when their HDB flats are still so far away from ready.
Can't couples wait till the flats to be ready first? May be 1 - 2 months before?
Is a requirement from HDB?
Ideally I think you should wait till your flat is ready before you get married because your in laws don't want you to stay with them. Which I think is good too. Haven't you heard the many stories of wives can't get along with the inlaws and because of that it affects the whole marriage.

Living apart for too long after your marriage isn't healthy, or that's at least what I think. 2-3 months is fine, if over a 6 months that's a tad too long. The purpose of getting married so both can live together as one, where everything is shared and to communicate everyday, isn't that the core purpose of getting married? Why not wait till it's closer to your flat TOP then marry? What's the hurry? Good time to save more money for the reno and wedding as well. I always encourage my friends to have both AD and ROM on the same day, if not closer, solemnization/ROM is more meaningful for the couple, esp when both exchange vows, however AD/customary weddings are meaningful to the family and relatives. Always good to be married both in the eyes of the Singapore law and in the eyes of your family. Esp of the bride I feel. Yes marriage is about two people, however weddings are not, good to find a common ground btw you, your HTB and your future in-laws. Good if you could find out whats the real issue of your HTB, could be financial worries, if that is so, why not postpone the wedding a bit later?

P.s: Having ROM and AD on a different day could incur more cost, like gown rental, MUA, photographer and flowers.

Renovation for BTO shld be quite fast. .like max 1 mth? ?

Look at things and its limitations for what it is. Cast aside expectations. If it is not in line with REALITY, it is just naive and dumb to fight over them. The wedding is only one social ritual, your lives together is way bigger than that. If you fight non stop over it, take steps backwards and reflect. What for? Is your relationship and marriage all about this kind of little details ?!? Why do you have the EXPECTATION that you can and should be able to move in to your mother in law's place? Its her place, she decides. Period.

My AD and ROM on same day I see no problem with that ..

I had my ROM on Sept 2012 and my AD on Jan 2014. initially planned for the same day or within a year difference, but my MIL doesnt allow as she wanted my sister in law to get married first due to her age. I was rather upset back then as we had almost everything planned and organized where they do not even have any plans on their wedding. But everything is over now! Just keep cool, it seems to me like it's gonna take long, but before you realised it, it's already over! Too fast for me to realised too! We are now waiting for our new home. All the best to you. Dun have to rush into it, if you are the only one ready for it. make sure both of you are mentally and financially ready so that you will reduce alot of disagreement during the process. For the moment just enjoy hunting and researching what both of you wants. Good Luck!

I'm same as you. My new flat is coming only in 2nd qtr of 2016. So I plan to get ROM and AD on the same day by late 2015 or early 2016.
Right now, I am already living with htb for the past two years, so another 2 more years to go before we move out from his place.

You can rom after receiving your hdb keys as long as you inform HDB in advance with proofs. Heard it somewhere.....

sadman2009 said:

I really don't understand why couples nowadays are so hurry to ROM when their HDB flats are still so far away from ready.
Can't couples wait till the flats to be ready first? May be 1 - 2 months before?
Is a requirement from HDB?
Ideally I think you should wait till your flat is ready before you get married because your in laws don't want you to stay with them. Which I think is good too. Haven't you heard the many stories of wives can't get along with the inlaws and because of that it affects the whole marriage.

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Ideally this is the case. However, not all couple have the luxury of time. If you are in your 30s and the BTO will only be ready in 3 years, by the time one collects the keys, they will be 35. When this happens, some will choose to get married first as they want to try for a baby first. At least this happened for my friend. ☺

Any other advices?

jgkc18 said:

Any other advices?

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What kind of a situation are you in? Maybe if you can share with us a little, we can better put ourselves in your shoes and suggest/advise accordingly..

jkwedding308 said:

What kind of a situation are you in? Maybe if you can share with us a little, we can better put ourselves in your shoes and suggest/advise accordingly..

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Not sure if I have mentioned this but my case goes like this :

Bf is still studying, part-time while working, which is quite stressful for him. He will only graduate next year Dec. He took a loan from his mom as well as from the bank.

Our BTO expected completion is 1Q 2016 but judging from its progress, it's already at the painting stage.
I'm not sure when it would be ready, perhaps 3Q to 4Q 2015? My sis said perhaps Jun 2015 which is 2Q.
I also note that it seems that HDB is quite strict on those who opted for AHG grant and may not allow any extension, although I have read off a blog saying that they managed to extend. I'm not sure how long we are allowed to extend also anyway.

Hence, we are quite worried about our financials and can't seem to decide whether to ROM first or have it done together. Personally, I prefer to have everything done at the same day to save the hassle although it will be tiring.

If we were to ROM first, I dont think we may want to hold it outdoor for the solemnisation since it will incur additional costs compared to solemnise 30mins before the AD dinner banquet. Also, if we were to hold it outdoor for our solemnisation, we may also need to engage photographers, pay for the lunch buffet + booking of the venue, issue a red packet to the JP as a kind gesture and the wedding deco etc

Also, can anyone advise if pre-wedding shoot is taken before AD right, regardless of whether you have solemnise or does this not matter?

Maybe if we were to ROM first, we may just head down to the ROM with our immediate family (maybe some close friends?) and then head out for lunch after that...

If we decide to have ROM and AD done on the same day, we are looking at a lunch banquet. My take is, it may be quite rushed as there be gatecrash in the morning, tea ceremony for both families, photoshoot for bridesmaids and groomsmen then solemnise just before lunch banquet starts and then commencement of the lunch banquet. Of course lunch banquet allows us to have more time than dinner banquet as it is not as rushed...but will this also depend on how long the hotel allows us to book the venue until? Does anyone have any idea what time does lunch banquet start and end, usually?
All these will again incur costs, banquet $, PG/VG, gown rentals, JP red packet....

Or maybe we can just do away with any banquets and gatecrash? But out of respect, I think tea ceremony is still compulsory.

Appreciate your help, girls

jgkc18 said:

Not sure if I have mentioned this but my case goes like this :

Bf is still studying, part-time while working, which is quite stressful for him. He will only graduate next year Dec. He took a loan from his mom as well as from the bank.

Our BTO expected completion is 1Q 2016 but judging from its progress, it's already at the painting stage.
I'm not sure when it would be ready, perhaps 3Q to 4Q 2015? My sis said perhaps Jun 2015 which is 2Q.
I also note that it seems that HDB is quite strict on those who opted for AHG grant and may not allow any extension, although I have read off a blog saying that they managed to extend. I'm not sure how long we are allowed to extend also anyway.

Hence, we are quite worried about our financials and can't seem to decide whether to ROM first or have it done together. Personally, I prefer to have everything done at the same day to save the hassle although it will be tiring.

If we were to ROM first, I dont think we may want to hold it outdoor for the solemnisation since it will incur additional costs compared to solemnise 30mins before the AD dinner banquet. Also, if we were to hold it outdoor for our solemnisation, we may also need to engage photographers, pay for the lunch buffet + booking of the venue, issue a red packet to the JP as a kind gesture and the wedding deco etc

Also, can anyone advise if pre-wedding shoot is taken before AD right, regardless of whether you have solemnise or does this not matter?

Maybe if we were to ROM first, we may just head down to the ROM with our immediate family (maybe some close friends?) and then head out for lunch after that...

If we decide to have ROM and AD done on the same day, we are looking at a lunch banquet. My take is, it may be quite rushed as there be gatecrash in the morning, tea ceremony for both families, photoshoot for bridesmaids and groomsmen then solemnise just before lunch banquet starts and then commencement of the lunch banquet. Of course lunch banquet allows us to have more time than dinner banquet as it is not as rushed...but will this also depend on how long the hotel allows us to book the venue until? Does anyone have any idea what time does lunch banquet start and end, usually?
All these will again incur costs, banquet $, PG/VG, gown rentals, JP red packet....

Or maybe we can just do away with any banquets and gatecrash? But out of respect, I think tea ceremony is still compulsory.

Appreciate your help, girls

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I believe you have already thought through some of the points yourself.. Correct me if I'm wrong but your main concern here is financials itself right? Would it make a significant difference in terms of financial strain if you and your fiancé hold the banquet before your HDB's completed? If you are both fine with it, then I think you may have answered your own question when you said you want to save cost and hassle and wouldn't mind having both ROM and banquet on the same day.. Yes, it may be a lil tiring but it's still possible. I had mine both on the same day. Though my banquet was a dinner one, I think it's still doable even if your banquet is a luncheon. That's coz aside from the usual gatecrashing and tea ceremony, our ROM wasn't just a 30-minute ceremony but a complete church solemnization ceremony which lasted 2-3 times longer, plus it was followed by a post-solemnization buffet lunch which started around the same time as any standard banquet luncheon would start (around 12.30pm).. So yeah, doable if you put your mind to it.. Plus if you're gonna do the ROM at the banquet venue, then it's even easier logistics-wise.. In case you end up deciding to hold your ROM and AD on 2 separate days, it's still really up to you when you wanna do your prewedding photoshoot - there's no definite right or wrong whether you choose to do it before your ROM or before your AD.. For us, we chose to do our ROM and our AD on the same day because we believe in having the one same date of marriage, be it in the sight of God, family, friends or even the law.. That plus we like having everything all done and settled with within the same day itself and we can then go enjoy our honeymoon together hehe... Also, gatecrashing can be kept simple and very low in cost so you can discuss with your bridesmaids about this. As for whether to proceed with the banquet or scrap it off completely, financial concerns aside, you may want to consult your fiancé as well as both your parents and his. Different families have different expectations. I know we often say that it's our wedding and not our parents' or in-laws' wedding but it would be a sign of wisdom and kind consideration to at least get their input on this matter. Given a choice, I don't think anyone would want to incur their parents' or in-laws' wrath even before the wedding itself - it's always good to start off on the right footstep if you both can help it.. If you can't, then just be open and honest so others can see where you're coming from but be tactful and eloquent in how you express yourself so that you won't be misunderstood as either being stingy or disrespectful.. All the best!

If you have plans to ROM on a separate day from your banquet, why not check with your hotel coordinator if they allow you to have the room for solemnization first? After all, if you are doing both on the same day, they would provide a solemnization room for you, so no reason why you can't have it separate IMO.

As for the red packet to JP, I think it's regardless of whether your ROM is held on the same day as AD or not. So, in other words, no savings on that.

Photoshoot - yes, you can take it before ROM. Up to you. Even if you don't want a photoshoot, also can. No rule to that.

If you're worried about financials, I suggest you start listing down what you plan to have, and then go through as a couple to see what is truly necessary. IMO, videographer is good to have, not must have. Same for photographer - instead of getting the professional ones and pay big bucks, why not approach those amateur photographers or those just starting to build up their portfolios? Cheaper price.

sorry folks.. may I sidetrack a bit? how much to give for JP's red packet?

Hello all,

finally im back to this forum ''convo'' . recently me and htb decided that we will do both our solom& AD (lunch bauquet) on the same day- end of dec next year.yes although it will be super rush but we are very lucky that we got a very good deal for a garden terrence venue for our solo + a lunch bauquet.


the reason is because, in between our wedding and getting the keys we will have more time to save money (for our hus reno) - right now my htb is studying part time and i'm still paying my school fee loan, so we feel that it will not be super costly if we did our hus n then marry later. our bto stated that the probation period is Q2 2016 but by the look of the progression now, i think Q1 or end of 2015 might even finished, ( at least we got about 6 months to save for reno)
however we decieded that after our wedding, we will both continue to stay seperatly till our hus is ready.

from what i heard from married colleagues, staying seperately after getting married is not very healthy for the relationship. Btw, 6months is enough to save for reno?

winleobee said:

sorry folks.. may I sidetrack a bit? how much to give for JP's red packet?

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There's no hard and fast rules for this.. It may also vary if you personally know your solemnizer. Ours wasn't a JP but an elder from our church - can't remember the exact figure we gifted to him but I think it was somewhere around $150. He attended the post-solemnization buffet lunch and we also invited him to our banquet dinner although he couldn't make it.. Anyway, don't fret too much over this issue - an understanding solemnizer or JP should accept whatever amount you gift so just be sincere and true to yourself and don't let how much other people gave to their solemnizers pressure you into trying to match those amounts..

imcoffeelover said:

from what i heard from married colleagues, staying seperately after getting married is not very healthy for the relationship. Btw, 6months is enough to save for reno?

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Ideally, a couple should stay together after the wedding.. This is all the more so in the initial stage where both parties are learning and adapting to one another as husband and wife instead of boyfriend and girlfriend - there are stark differences between the two. But of course, due to circumstances, some couples may not have the luxury of living together right away after the wedding. For such couples, it is very important to still open up all lines of communication and maintain a high level of trust and not cease to generously show love to one another both in words and actions...

jkwedding308 said:

Ideally, a couple should stay together after the wedding.. This is all the more so in the initial stage where both parties are learning and adapting to one another as husband and wife instead of boyfriend and girlfriend - there are stark differences between the two. But of course, due to circumstances, some couples may not have the luxury of living together right away after the wedding. For such couples, it is very important to still open up all lines of communication and maintain a high level of trust and not cease to generously show love to one another both in words and actions...

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i do agree that there will be alot of difference between being husband and wife instead of bfgf. Mind sharing in your opinion what are the differences?

actually i do agree with all of u and had the same concern too, but me and htb know each other for 9 years, get tgth for 4 years ( total 13 years) therefore we are v comfortable with staying seperatly first after marriage.
but of cos this might not apply to all couples. is more on a ''learning process'' bah

yans said:

actually i do agree with all of u and had the same concern too, but me and htb know each other for 9 years, get tgth for 4 years ( total 13 years) therefore we are v comfortable with staying seperatly first after marriage.
but of cos this might not apply to all couples. is more on a ''learning process'' bah

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Yes, it will always be a learning process.. Even for couples who've known each other for a long time, there will always be new things that they learn about one another once they get married.. So enjoy the ride when you both learn more about each other after the wedding and learn to accept the differences that can't be changed. As for the things that can be changed, give each other space and encouragement to do so without pressurizing and rushing the other... If the change that needs to be done is on your part, be humble enough to acknowledge that and be bold enough to take the steps needed to slowly but surely make the change!

Girls, if to save costs, will u ROM first or do both AD and ROM together?
Ppl usually ROM first due to the BTO completion aka "deadline"...but come to think of it, the other side of the coin (do together) also seems to save costs... photographers, rental of gowns...but that is if you engage photographers n will rent a gown for the ROM which will be held at a venue (rental $) plus food costs...but if AD at hotel banquet, then will have put in the deposit and all, rental of gowns, photographers....sigh i dont know...

any advice?

jgkc18 said:

Girls, if to save costs, will u ROM first or do both AD and ROM together?
Ppl usually ROM first due to the BTO completion aka "deadline"...but come to think of it, the other side of the coin (do together) also seems to save costs... photographers, rental of gowns...but that is if you engage photographers n will rent a gown for the ROM which will be held at a venue (rental $) plus food costs...but if AD at hotel banquet, then will have put in the deposit and all, rental of gowns, photographers....sigh i dont know...

any advice?

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I think I've posted some thoughts about this in an earlier post. But just to add on a lil more with regards to what you posted - usually you can bid BTO under fiancé/fiancée scheme and it will take several years before the flat's completed. Those few years should be relatively sufficient time to arrange all the stuff you need to organize for AD so yes, you can just do your ROM on the same day as your AD coz all your vendors will be paid for to settle everything at one go within one day and hence, you can save some cost with regards to this aspect. I can understand your concerns when it comes to the financial aspect of the planning - hopefully if both you and your fiancé can plan and save adequately, those few years while you wait for your BTO to be completed will hopefully be sufficient to pay your different vendors... Maybe you can try to calculate how much the two of you need to set aside and see if you can come up with a plan to save that sum you need - if it is feasible, then you can consider combining your ROM and AD into one day and make and execute the necessary plans...

jgkc18 said:

Girls, if to save costs, will u ROM first or do both AD and ROM together?
Ppl usually ROM first due to the BTO completion aka "deadline"...but come to think of it, the other side of the coin (do together) also seems to save costs... photographers, rental of gowns...but that is if you engage photographers n will rent a gown for the ROM which will be held at a venue (rental $) plus food costs...but if AD at hotel banquet, then will have put in the deposit and all, rental of gowns, photographers....sigh i dont know...

any advice?

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Why not u just ROM at ROM Office with ur immd family members & close relatives if really no choice? Only $26 so I dun think its financially impossible?

traciee said:

Why not u just ROM at ROM Office with ur immd family members & close relatives if really no choice? Only $26 so I dun think its financially impossible?

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Nah, it's not no choice and my situation isn't that pathetic till such state, yeah?

I'm merely asking for the pros and cons in terms of financials for the 2 scenarios, no?

jgkc18 said:

Nah, it's not no choice and my situation isn't that pathetic till such state, yeah?

I'm merely asking for the pros and cons in terms of financials for the 2 scenarios, no?

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Huh pathetic? When did I talk about pathetic? I was just giving an additional suggestion since u seem stuck in btwn this n that. Plus u dun need make deposits here n there if u wanna do the ROM separately at ROM office? U sounded like u didnt wanna spend too much money at one shot (which I do understand) so I suggested that.

If u got offended n took it another way then I apologise.

Im out of this thread.

@jgkc18 and @traciee , it's easy to misunderstand one another especially in the midst of all the stress of planning a wedding so let's give and take a little and know that we're here not to judge but to help one another ya?

yans said:

Hello all,

finally im back to this forum ''convo'' . recently me and htb decided that we will do both our solom& AD (lunch bauquet) on the same day- end of dec next year.yes although it will be super rush but we are very lucky that we got a very good deal for a garden terrence venue for our solo + a lunch bauquet.


the reason is because, in between our wedding and getting the keys we will have more time to save money (for our hus reno) - right now my htb is studying part time and i'm still paying my school fee loan, so we feel that it will not be super costly if we did our hus n then marry later. our bto stated that the probation period is Q2 2016 but by the look of the progression now, i think Q1 or end of 2015 might even finished, ( at least we got about 6 months to save for reno)
however we decieded that after our wedding, we will both continue to stay seperatly till our hus is ready.

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Can I check what's the venue you booked in the end? I'm looking at smth similar too..

Hello @swashed, my venue will be at Hotel Fort Canning. The garden Terrence for my Solo, and the legend room for my lunch

yans said:

Hello @swashed, my venue will be at Hotel Fort Canning. The garden Terrence for my Solo, and the legend room for my lunch

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Ooo... Our banquet was at HFC Legends Ballroom too...

At times I wonder if getting married is about everyone instead of 2 person.

Money is never the problem. Its about your expectations, other ppl expectations etc.....maybe you should sit down and think....why did you want to get married in the first place.... If your convictions are strong and sure....things will work out eventually.

yans said:

Hello @swashed, my venue will be at Hotel Fort Canning. The garden Terrence for my Solo, and the legend room for my lunch

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Ah I see.. Shall go check it out. Thanks for sharing

@jkwedding308 sorry mind was at lavender ballroom.

yans said:

@jkwedding308 sorry mind was at lavender ballroom.

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Hehe no worries..