miuratohko
Member
Hi does anyone live with your in-laws? Care to share?
Living with in-laws?
- Thread starter miuratohko
- Start date
jkwedding308
Active Member
Currently staying with in-laws (including my parents-in-law, sister-in-law and grandma-in-law) while we're still waiting to get a place of our own (which won't be anytime soon and probably years from now - need to get my PR first otherwise can't even apply for HDB haha). Any particular aspect or opinion you're looking for? I suppose you'll be moving in to stay with your in-laws too after the wedding?
miuratohko
Member
Yes 
just apprehensive. Thanks for sharing
just apprehensive. Thanks for sharing
jkwedding308
Active Member
Yes
No worries... Every family's different and no matter how similar your in-laws may be to your own family, there will always be some differences. It'll take time to adapt to living in a new home much less a new family. There may be some expectations of you as the new daughter-in-law but don't let that throw you off. Observe and learn what is expected of you and try to keep up within reasonable limits. If there are any issues that you don't see eye to eye with your in-laws, try to understand the perspective that they're coming from and see if you can work around it. Similarly, without being aggressive, you can let your in-laws know your point of view as well but make sure to do it in a courteous manner or else you may be misunderstood as being disrespectful. If you fear of making a wrong move, discuss it with your spouse first and see if there are other alternatives or he may even agree on your point of view and talk to his parents about it, who may be more agreeable to hearing the suggestion coming from their own son than from you. You may also want to discuss with your fiancé as to what sort of family background he grew up in. Before you even make the move into your new home, get insight from your fiancé as to the possible "traditions" and "cultures" that exist within the family including any unwritten "rules". Your fiancé may be even able to tell what kind of parents he has (as in their kind of personalities as well as any pet peeves they may have) and may have even received indirect hints from his parents regarding the expectations that they have of you as the new daughter-in-law. If your fiancé has any siblings who are married, regardless whether they're living with your in-laws or elsewhere, you can even try to talk to the spouse of those siblings to get more pointers and insight into your parents-in-law. All these can help prepare you mentally for your transition into your new home and family as well as give you a heads up to avoid doing or saying things that may potentially cause a conflict between you and your in-laws. All the best in your transition - try not to worry unnecessarily but be bold in expanding your family circle and getting to know and love them!
traciee
Active Member
have you been interacting with your in-laws throughout your r/s with your SO? Are you able to get along well with them? What are the concerns that you have?
For myself, my ROM is next month but due to some family issues, I have moved in with my soon to be in-laws, just over last weekend . Prior to that, my SO and I have been shuffling together between his place and my place.. so it isn't much of an issue settling down over there.
Of course, there are still things that we have to take note of. Like what jkwedding308 mentioned, there will always be differences and time has to be taken to adapt into a whole new place. Sometimes we just have to be more careful in the things we do, observe and see whether are they particular over anything etc.
I've just started washing my laundry there (used to pack everything home to wash after a few days) and will take special attention when my soon to be MIL tells me to hang out, bring in or keep etc 'cause my dad used to be damn anal about this when my bro's gf stayed over. So naturally i will be more careful to avoid any conflicts... She also mentioned that from now onwards she has a lesser room to clean... which clearly means that now my SO and I have to take over cleaning his room when his mum used to be the one doing. I'm perfectly fine with that as I think it is part of my responsibility to do so
Sometimes we gotta be more 'automatic' as well. After dinner, I will just go to the sink and wash all the dishes or if I see used cups left in the sink, I will just wash them. When his dog pee n poo, I will clean up and wash the floor too. All these are just small actions but trust me, they go a long way. hahahahah.
For myself, my ROM is next month but due to some family issues, I have moved in with my soon to be in-laws, just over last weekend
. Prior to that, my SO and I have been shuffling together between his place and my place.. so it isn't much of an issue settling down over there.Of course, there are still things that we have to take note of. Like what jkwedding308 mentioned, there will always be differences and time has to be taken to adapt into a whole new place. Sometimes we just have to be more careful in the things we do, observe and see whether are they particular over anything etc.
I've just started washing my laundry there (used to pack everything home to wash after a few days) and will take special attention when my soon to be MIL tells me to hang out, bring in or keep etc 'cause my dad used to be damn anal about this when my bro's gf stayed over. So naturally i will be more careful to avoid any conflicts... She also mentioned that from now onwards she has a lesser room to clean... which clearly means that now my SO and I have to take over cleaning his room when his mum used to be the one doing. I'm perfectly fine with that as I think it is part of my responsibility to do so
Sometimes we gotta be more 'automatic' as well. After dinner, I will just go to the sink and wash all the dishes or if I see used cups left in the sink, I will just wash them. When his dog pee n poo, I will clean up and wash the floor too. All these are just small actions but trust me, they go a long way. hahahahah.
miuratohko
Member
Wow! Thanks jkwedding308 and traciee! After Rom, i Have been staying overnight during weekends at SO's house somehow still feel like an outsider... although they have been very nice as they really want to live with their son...their daughter has moved out after marriage. Thanks will try my best!
traciee
Active Member
No problem! Maybe u can slowly increase interaction with them? Like ask your SO to suggest lunch/dinner outside together.. or u 2 can cook together for the family.. or sometimes buy small snacks home (like cakes, puffs or anything they like? .. or make small talk? Like everyday when I reach home I will call them n ask whether they eat alr anot.. if they say yes then I will make fun like wha.. eat what good food? Or if they say no then ask whether want us to buy or sth??
You will be fine!! Dun worry!
jkwedding308
Active Member
Agree with @traciee ... Them being very nice is already "half the battle won" (for lack of a better phrase, hehe)... Small efforts and interactions can go a long way. Think of it this way: when you first knew your SO before you guys even started dating, you didn't know much about him, did you? But look how far both of you have come! I'm sure you know him a whole lot more now than when you first knew him and the bond between you two has grown deeper and closer over time with the efforts and interactions that you both have put in... Same thing goes with your in-laws - give it some time and effort and hopefully you won't feel so much like an outsider anymore, especially since you also noticed that they're actually in fact very nice people, so it should be even easier for you all to get along with each other. Apart from what traciee has suggested, maybe find out what common interests you may share with your in-laws and you can initiate a joint activity or two with your in-laws. If you and your MIL both like baking, maybe you can bake together. Or if you like a similar genre of music, you can arrange and get tickets to watch a concert or performance together. Just some examples... I'm sure you get the idea...
miuratohko
Member
Wow both of u really dutiful daughters in law... i am still packing clothes home to wash will see if i can wash it there soon thanks for sharing
thanks for sharing
jkwedding308
Active Member
Wow both of u really dutiful daughters in law... i am still packing clothes home to wash will see if i can wash it there soon
Hehe, I'm sure you're be a dutiful one yourself...
And yeah, can understand about the laundry issue. Was in a similar situation myself... Prior to wedding day, I did make frequent trips to SG (I'm from Malaysia) and would stay with my would-be in-laws then. Though I was assured that it's ok for me to my laundry at their place, I still pack my clothes home to wash too haha... It wasn't until when I was moving in for good that I started doing my laundry at my in-laws' place (i.e. my current home). Guess we can all be a bit paiseh to wash our dirty laundry at our in-laws' place hehe...miuratohko
Member
Actually...my mum has been washing my clothes, cooking for me...after gettimg married...i have to wash my own...so that is something i dreadHehe, I'm sure you're be a dutiful one yourself...
Wow u bring ur clothes from singapore back to malaysia to wash!
jkwedding308
Active Member
Actually...my mum has been washing my clothes, cooking for me...after gettimg married...i have to wash my own...so that is something i dread
Wow u bring ur clothes from singapore back to malaysia to wash!
Hehe, my mum's like that too... Though it's more coz she worries I'll make a mess out of everything even though I told her I won't, haha!! And also coz she knows how tired I can get from my work (the hours can be quite long and uncertain at times).. But my years of studying abroad gave me the opportunity to learn to be more independent and in due time, household chores including cooking, cleaning and laundry become second nature... So don't worry about it - after a while, you'll get so used to it that it sort of becomes like a routine...
And haha yeah lorr, have to pack my dirty clothes home coz too paiseh to do my laundry when I'm not even married into the family yet hehe...Erm no one is washing anyone's clothes because everything goes in the washing machine hahaha. It's been treated like a second laundry basket. I've been throwing a few pieces in when I stay over at the htb's during weekends. Just need to help with putting them up to dry and taking down and folding.
miuratohko
Member
His family doesnt trust the machine...so everything hand wash... clothes are the most troublesome
clothes are the most troublesome
jkwedding308
Active Member
Haha yes, there's the convenience of the washing machine in today's era, but not all families necessarily have or use one. Even when there's a washing machine, some families will still prefer to have their delicates e.g. their undergarments hand-washed - supposedly to be more hygienic and also helps keep the undergarments last longer hehe... Unless the hubby does it himself or unless if there's a domestic helper, it is usually assumed that his laundry is now his wife's duty... As for the husband's parents' laundry, it could be 50/50, so some in-laws may want their son's wife to handle it while others are perfectly fine to sort out their own laundry themselves...
D: Then why did they get it in the first place?His family doesnt trust the machine...so everything hand wash...
Yeah at first everyone washes their own underwear but his sister got lazy so now us 3 ladies dump our underwear in a laundry bag then throw in to wash with the rest. I don't really mind mixing so good thing they don't either. Strangely mine last longer that way instead of handwashing. I think I underestimate my strength hahaha. Unless next time have fragile fabrics if not will just continue to let the machine do its job. Haha guess I'm lucky. The skin on my fingertips will dry and peel easily if I prolong contact with water and detergent so good thing next time don't have to worry about it.
I might wash clothes differently next time when we have our own place like sort out colours that kind and separate underwear, but that's for then when I'm not living under an elder's habits la haha.
jkwedding308
Active Member
Laundry habits aside, I'm sure there will be some practices where you prefer to do it differently from your in-laws... But yeah, have to wait till we get our own place - till then, as the saying goes, "when in Rome, do as the Romans do", or in this case, "when in your in-laws' home, do as your in-laws do"! Hahaha...
traciee
Active Member
It depends actually! I dun think there's a norm.. my auntie was v particular about my cousin's wife taking over his laundry after marriage. And I have a friend whose mum didnt really bother about that.
Personally I've told my HTB to put his used clothes with mine so that I can wash together but he doesnt want. He says its more convenient to dump together in the service yard with his fam (since he has been doing that since forever) but I feel like a tenant if I wash just my own clothes. Hahahahaha.
miuratohko
Member
Haha i thought of buying a superb washer to do all the job or pay someone to do it. But i think his mum will not be happy to learn that his son's shirts are in the washer....they only use it to spin dry the clothes
jkwedding308
Active Member
Maybe do a lil enquiry and find out why they don't trust the machine? Was it because of some bad experience before or something else? Then maybe can gently suggest that you'll get a new washing machine to ease the job for the whole family (so they'll know you don't intend to just use it for yourself but you've also thought about them)... If they're agreeable, then good news for you (and make sure the machine is a reliable one or if anything happens, it may come back to bite you!)... If not, well, hang in there ya?
miuratohko
Member
Haha thanks i will see how long i can hang it there if cant would have to live separately.
i will see how long i can hang it there if cant would have to live separately.
jkwedding308
Active Member
Haha thanks
May be a bit tough at first, especially since you're not used to handwashing your laundry... But hopefully it'll get better over time...
Hi, I will be staying with my FIL after marriage till my new flat comes. I'm very apprehensive about it. My SO's mother is generally nice but she has a really bad temper, very particular about how things are suppose to be done and she likes to order us to do things and help out around the house during the weekends.
I'm intimidated by my future MIL because I've seen her humiliated and put down my SO when he made a mistake/when he doesn't follow her orders, I'm very afraid that after the marriage I might accidentally do something to offend her. I don't even talk much to her now and is very careful with what I say because I worried I might offend her without knowing. My SO''s mother complains that I don't chat with her and seem unapproachable and somewhat stern.
What should I do?? There is times when I think the relationship between my SO and me is going to be rocky in the future just because of his mother. Going with her wants and demands leave me very frustrated and annoyed at times.
I'm intimidated by my future MIL because I've seen her humiliated and put down my SO when he made a mistake/when he doesn't follow her orders, I'm very afraid that after the marriage I might accidentally do something to offend her. I don't even talk much to her now and is very careful with what I say because I worried I might offend her without knowing. My SO''s mother complains that I don't chat with her and seem unapproachable and somewhat stern.
What should I do?? There is times when I think the relationship between my SO and me is going to be rocky in the future just because of his mother. Going with her wants and demands leave me very frustrated and annoyed at times.
miuratohko
Member
Hi when will your flat be ready? Mine 2 years
She complained to your SO? Mine doesnt tell him at all...not sure whether i have done anything wrong. At least u know it will not be forever
Mine will come in 5 years. At least she lets him know what she is not happy about and I will try to change to meet her expectations but sometimes I get my SO in trouble because of my mistakes, he will be a little upset and feels disappointed that I'm not trying hard enough. But to me I'm trying very hard already. Eventually we get annoyed with each other about it.
jkwedding308
Active Member
You mentioned about "her wants and demands" - what are these and are they doable? If they're reasonable, then there's no harm in trying to meet them. I can understand why you try not to chat with her too much as you worry that you may offend her but this appears to her that you're unapproachable and stern as what she has complaint to your fiancé. Did you let your fiancé know the reason behind? Yes, it's normal to wanna watch what we say to our in-laws even if they're the nicest of people but don't let that be a reason to put up a cold front. Start by chatting on some "safe" topics first and slowly as you build rapport with your MIL, you can both warm up to deeper conversations. Also, what are these other things that your MIL has complaint about you to your SO? You mentioned that you've made some mistakes but that you've also tried very hard - if you don't mind sharing with us the specifics, maybe we can understand your situation better and perhaps suggest some methods you can use to handle the situation... Don't despair and lose hope k?
miuratohko
Member
So he is a filial boy or is he very close to his mum?
My SO too...very close to his mum. Once i made a request and he had to talk to his mum about it...
that made his mum cried...because she felt that her relative will look down on them. I bought gold for her and my father in law to apologise.
You are right in the long run will affect ur relationship. And once ruin cant make up in the future even after u 2 have ur own place.
My SO is happy whenever i buy things for his parents or spare a thought for them. That is the least i could do.
Is there anything you dont like about her?
Have been trying to meet them but if what she wants clashes with what my parents want then I'm sandwiched in between. Moreover, giving in is doable indeed but it isn't healthy because I noticed I do get bitter over it sometimes even when I'm consciously try not too. I start to pick fights with my fiance sometimes.
I think her complaints about me being unapproachable and stern is reasonable, because I do find myself hardly chatting with her too. My fiance knows about it, at first he will even think of topics for me to talk to her about. I know his good intentions wanting me to get into her good books but it gives me alot of pressure to get it right since he had set the stage. My fiance does not push me that hard anymore but my avoidance got worst. Thanks for the advice, just have to work more on it, find common topics to chat about.
Nitty gritty stuffs I guess, my SO always tells me that I'm doing alright - he doesn't tell me the details just reminds me to not forgot the little things his mother is particular about. I just need time to adapt into their lifestyle, what they practice at home isn't the same as mine.
Her actions doesn't coincide with how she expresses herself, she makes people fearful of her when she is annoyed or angry - this makes people very frustrated and tired sometimes. However, I do believe that her intentions for her kids and family is always good but how she express her love and concerns is really hard to understand.
I just find it might be hard for me to love her as my "second" mother because of the way she is and I feel it is a pity for her and me.
miuratohko
Member
Another way is to rent a house...it might cost a lot but at least better for your relationshops with them...
Thank you, I'm seriously considering that but at least after I give it a try staying with them for the first few weeks after marriage. My SO always comment it might not be as scary as I thought it will be.
miuratohko
Member
All the best!
Hope you can find other things to occupy you for the mean timeI havent moved it to stay with my in laws i will see whether we can get along. Dun mind living together forever if we dun quarrel.
All the best!
I havent moved it to stay with my in laws i will see whether we can get along. Dun mind living together forever if we dun quarrel.
Perhaps, wedding planning would occupy me.
lol, I won't mind too if we don't quarrel. As long as someone gives and take, it's easy but it doesn't always happens.
jkwedding308
Active Member
So some of these stuff that she wants contradict with what your parents want? That's a tough spot to be in... But the question here is: regardless of what both your parents want, what do you and your SO want? Is there a middle ground that you both can take that both parties can come to a compromise and be ok about it? You can always try to please some but you won't be able to please everyone... And yes, a lot of things always boil down to the nitty gritty bits... Some of my in-laws' habits/practices are very different from what my own family practices as well so I can understand where you're coming from. But like what you have already pointed out, you will need to adapt accordingly. As what I've written in an earlier post, if the saying goes "when in Rome, do as the Romans do", then our local context here would be "when in your in-laws' home, do as your in-laws do", of course to a reasonable limit... All the best!
So some of these stuff that she wants contradict with what your parents want? That's a tough spot to be in... But the question here is: regardless of what both your parents want, what do you and your SO want? Is there a middle ground that you both can take that both parties can come to a compromise and be ok about it? You can always try to please some but you won't be able to please everyone... And yes, a lot of things always boil down to the nitty gritty bits... Some of my in-laws' habits/practices are very different from what my own family practices as well so I can understand where you're coming from. But like what you have already pointed out, you will need to adapt accordingly. As what I've written in an earlier post, if the saying goes "when in Rome, do as the Romans do", then our local context here would be "when in your in-laws' home, do as your in-laws do", of course to a reasonable limit... All the best!
Thank you. The more I rant about things, I really feel happiness is in the mind - our mind. When I adapt to the differences, I just have to accept it and only till then would I be happy.
jkwedding308
Active Member
No worries... It's true that a lot of our happiness comes from being to accept the circumstances around us. But that doesn't mean one should always accept everything blindly. Know where to compromise but also know where to draw the boundaries. You can always adapt but stay true to yourself!
No worries... It's true that a lot of our happiness comes from being to accept the circumstances around us. But that doesn't mean one should always accept everything blindly. Know where to compromise but also know where to draw the boundaries. You can always adapt but stay true to yourself!
Thanks, hopefully I will find that balance.
nudieposh
Member
for my situation because my mother migrate overseas and i am all alone in sg, i have shifted in to stay with my future PIL n his 2 siblings 1 yr before my marriage. (3rd mth into staying together now)
so far so good. as my MIL is a housewife, i draw the line quite clearly, as in tell her straight. she doesnt need to clean my room, i will clean, mop and tidy it myself. as for laundry, i normally do it myself twice or thrice a week. but she will help me bring out the laundry to sun and also help me keep and iron. FIL looks very fierce but is actually quite caring n fatherly, always buying food n whats-not for the family. but he doesnt like people to wear all black, and will nag. so normally when im in formal black dress, bag n heels, i will just pull a coloured cardigan/jacket over. they are not biase too. so when the mother boiled herbs soup or those supplementary food, i will have equal portion with her children. all is good and sometimes, i will go out shopping with my MIL alone.
however, i realised. an in-law will forever be in-law.. they will never be able to replace your own parents. a good example, once, my bf overslept when we are suppose to head for a gathering at 1pm. i kinda mention to my mil in frustration, 'sigh, why did he slp so late last night when he knows we have to go out early.' and the mil replied, 'must let him slp mah. if he doesnt have enough slp how?' this one particular situation made me realised, an in-law will never be able to replace your own parents.
it does sound contradicting with what i have mention above but its really difficult for me to put this into words, but i guess those who are staying with their in-laws now would understand what i meant.
so far so good. as my MIL is a housewife, i draw the line quite clearly, as in tell her straight. she doesnt need to clean my room, i will clean, mop and tidy it myself. as for laundry, i normally do it myself twice or thrice a week. but she will help me bring out the laundry to sun and also help me keep and iron. FIL looks very fierce but is actually quite caring n fatherly, always buying food n whats-not for the family. but he doesnt like people to wear all black, and will nag. so normally when im in formal black dress, bag n heels, i will just pull a coloured cardigan/jacket over. they are not biase too. so when the mother boiled herbs soup or those supplementary food, i will have equal portion with her children. all is good and sometimes, i will go out shopping with my MIL alone.
however, i realised. an in-law will forever be in-law.. they will never be able to replace your own parents. a good example, once, my bf overslept when we are suppose to head for a gathering at 1pm. i kinda mention to my mil in frustration, 'sigh, why did he slp so late last night when he knows we have to go out early.' and the mil replied, 'must let him slp mah. if he doesnt have enough slp how?' this one particular situation made me realised, an in-law will never be able to replace your own parents.
it does sound contradicting with what i have mention above but its really difficult for me to put this into words, but i guess those who are staying with their in-laws now would understand what i meant.
True, an in law will forever be an in-law, they probably won't like you complaining about their sons/daughter even knowing if their kid is the one that make a mistake etc.
miuratohko
Member
Hi your in laws seem to be very good!
I understand what u mean by not being the same..for me i feel that i will forever be an outsider...my in law has a daughter too and i can see the difference in treatment.. they infact treated her husband better than they have treated me
I was also told by my fren who is a mother in law that daughter in law will forever be an outsider
imcoffeelover
Member
Could i tap on this to ask how i should tell my parents that my girl doesnt want them to stay with us? At least not for the first few years?
Tell them you both need time to settle as a married couple and work out the dynamics as being bf/gf is very different from being a married couple?
imcoffeelover
Member
My parents aint really the negotiable kind and they generally believe that once the child gets the house, they can move in as they like. What im trying to do is to find a way to bring across to them not to do that without looking like i dont want them. Brought it up casually before and immediately they went lashing on how unfilial children are now... dont want parents blah blah...
Honestly, there is probably no totally resolution to your problem. It seems like your parents are insecure and worried that you will abandon them when you move out. Maybe, they have heard of stories or seen friends/relative's kids not caring of their parents anymore and is afraid that it will happen to them too.
Perhaps, you can engage your parents into a sincere and open conversation - assure them that regardless whether or not you two stay apart from them you will always frequently go and visit them. You will still care for them like before and keep your promise to accompany them sometimes. Let them know that you and your wife needs some years to settle down as a married couple and start your own family but they can once in a while come and visit or stay a day or two with you.
As much as you are starting a new milestone of your life when you get married, never forget that your parents might feel that they are losing their little boy in this process too - A son that was once theirs is going to become someone else's husband and part of someone else's family now. You are not exclusively theirs anymore.
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miuratohko
Member
If they want grandchildren, it is better to not live together...you can try saying that living together will affect that because there is no privacy... it makes a difference...when parents are around and when only the couple is around.
imcoffeelover
Member
i must say that this is the problem of watching too much hkdrama... they somehow really think the drama is real.
Maybe i shld try to have a open convo with them and lay down some rules while trying to assure them?
Hopefully that will work out for you. The truth is your parents' concerns and worries are somewhat true, there are children like that in our society these day. Perhaps, not totally because they are unfilial - not wanting to care for their parents but they don't have that much financial and physical means to be very involved in their parents' life after they have their own families and kids.
jkwedding308
Active Member
Haha true true... Even though my in-laws have given us a fair amount of privacy, it's still not the same as compared to if we had our own place - even my own hubby thinks so haha... There is much wisdom in the Bible when it says this: Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. As the Bible further explains this, we come to understand the leave-and-cleave process for any newly wed couple is not just merely for the purpose of procreation but also for the purpose of setting up a new household and family unit. There may arise conflict in leadership as to who the real head of the household is when it comes to decisions and even bringing up of kids in the future e.g. will it be hubby or father-in-law who gets the final say when they both disagree on how your kid will be educated and disciplined? Many parents and in-laws may feel that their children+spouse are unfilial when they decide to not let them live together but they should be assured that living apart doesn't mean they're not cared for or loved anymore - hard to put it down in words but constant actions and small gestures will prove themselves in time...