Resentful wife (any hope)

ordinary

New Member
Hi guys, i hope you can hear me out. Currently I am already legally married to my wife about 2 years back. We havent gone thru our customary wedding yet therefore we are not living together yet.

Recently, my wife drops a bombshell on me all of a sudden. She told me she was thinking about annulment or separation. I was devastated, few hours before we just went to tried on suits for our up coming wedding photo shoot. When she broke the news to me she seemed genuinely sad and confused. She was still tearing. I could feel it. She mentioned "She felt useless that she felt this way as I never cheated on her or do anything to harm her."

I began to read alot over the internet, it seems many of these cases do experience their spouse falling out of love suddenly. With my limited knowledge, it seems to point to 3 various signs.

1- Anxiety, getting the cold feet just before wedding. As our life are about to change forever. We will need to live by each other etc.

2- Affair, spouse getting swept off her feet causing her to rethink that her current relationship is what she really wants.

3- Resentment, getting resentful towards spouse as her expectations are not met all along.


With this 3 signs, i wanted to believe it was anxiety. But subsequent meet ups with her, she told me actually she has already felt this 2 years ago and she stayed on hoping she will find the feelings back again. The last straw for her was when she tried on the wedding gown and could not feel happy as a bride this was the point where she felt she couldnt hide anymore. Her responses was cold and calm this time. (my guess me probing further made her realize she hates me)

As I probe further, all points seem to be pointing towards resentment towards me. She thinks i am repulsive for reasons like:

- I have gain weight (link to repulsiveness ultimately intimacy issue)
- She hates me snoring
- taking too much cold water which might affect fertility which ultimately affects our chances of having kids

I tried to assure her this can be changed and does not need to take such a drastic measure for annulment.

Her attitude changed from the first time. I could see her being cold and angry towards me. As more meet ups i find more reasons she hating me (too many to list, even my mother wasnt spared). Things like happened in the past which she didnt voice out she bottled them up and press charges against me. I told her i didnt know those stuff were affecting her so badly, she should have voiced out and as a husband i will certainly do something about it. She entrusted her heart to me, i would really protect it if i knew...

She says she feel not being cherished and sees no future for the both of us. Not to mention we got our parents to meet up (which i think made it worst and was requested by her). During that night we met up, my mother was shocked to see her in this state which we never saw before (sweet vs bitter). She felt that she can no longer face my mother if we should continue. I believe showing her anger infront of everybody she felt that everyone will judge her, things cannot go back to once they were.

I would also like to add that we play an online game together. But ever since with work and me losing interest in the game I was not so active. There was once I saw her playing late into the night 3+am with a mutual guy friend. I was shocked and confronted her about it. She told me i was being too sensitive. I thought so and I let go of it. A few weeks after this incident she declared annulment, i begun to search for answer. This particular 3+am incident crawled back to my mind. To search for more evidence I secretly monitored her activity in the game. Truth to be told I always see both of them playing late into the night. When confronted again, she broke down in tears saying she had nothing to do with the guy just that the guy is helping her in the game. I felt she was so defensive when i brought this up despite i am her husband. I do not want to believe there is an affair on going but the dots are joining up and leading me to believe so. May I include during night where our parents met up, my mom did ask her if she had someone else in mind. She cried and flew into a rage. Saying why the whole world questions abt her faithfulness. My mother inlaw assured me that she has seeing no one else so did her brother. But i have this gut feeling they do not know the full story.


At our current state, she is very cold towards me and agreed to go for marriage counselling before making a decision. I can find myself trying to reach her but she is just angry right about everything known and unknown stuff. Some of her complains are really first time i heard of. Come on if you agree with me on something. You can't you go back on your words few years later and blame me for not understanding you better? This is the vibe i am getting now that everything i do is wrong and she can hurt others and get away with it. I do not feel she did reflect on herself truthfully.

As much as I want this relationship to continue, but to be truely happy both of us mus change for a better future and compromise. I am really afraid she will be just asking me to change and change. I get nothing in return.

I mentioned about cancelling the wedding banquet first as not to pressure her from making a decision. Her answer was let her think about it first. She said if i further press her for a decision she does have a conclusion if i want it right now (Well I know that must be the annulment.)

I still love her, but my patience and feelings are slowly wearing out. SHould i give in?

I really want to find the old her....
I wonder where is that "her" now..........
 


stephiey

Member
Hi @ordinary I guess, you have to 1st ask yourself how much you love her now.

Feelings do fade, I agree nonetheless. But if there's things that cannot be changed.
For instance, snoring.. How can u change that? Are u planning to actually go for surgery or something like that?

Love is about compromising.
Marriage is 101% on compromising + communication + sharing a life together.

If your SO cannot stand small things that you do, etc, drinking cold water (which doesn't make any sense to me all at)
I think life after marriage will be hard on you. and honestly, I feel that crack will always be there.

I asked you how much u love earlier in my post, becos my next question is that, how much you love her enough for you to make changes in life for her?
I believe that staying together, you will have more problems arising.
Everyone has their own ways of living. marriage with two person staying together takes a lot of work and effort.
Take a step back and ask yourself what you want now instead of catering to her needs

:)
 

ordinary

New Member
Thanks Stephiey for reading my story. Yes ultimately i need to weigh how much i really still want the relationship. Maybe the hurt i am feeling is so bad now that I cannot think logically.

I feel I cant tell her as it it will push her away even further. I also do not have trust in her as well.
I do not now how long more I can last, everyday the feeling is dying off bit by bit..

I wish I could turn off my heart and move on... Life is too short to be the sad man always...
 

stephiey

Member
Hi @ordinary may I know when is your AD? annulment is supposed to be done within 2yrs of ROM right?

I feel that maybe it's best you both take some time off each, maybe a weekend or so.
Take a step back, think through whether is this what you want? Are you both on the same page? what/how things can be done to salvage this r/s?

It will be tiring if it's only you doing the job, takes two to tango...

Having said that, this is just a bias side of view as I have no idea what causes all the resentment in her.
If what she said was true (2yrs of keeping things to herself n trying to relive the sparks) then I honestly think nothing much can be done on your end.

Sometimes, it's better to have loved and loss than to never have loved at all.
 

ordinary

New Member
Things are not improving.. i guess the very fact i have already voice out my concerns and she continues it. Just means that she already left.... I am not longer of any importance...

Maybe I always accepted her willingly as a person good or bad. It was only one sided all along...
 

swashed

Member
It seems really strange she is bringing up all these stuff only now
Seems like she was pretending to be someone she's not.. If so better for both of you to move on now. Good luck and stay strong.
 

pinkpetter

Member
hi @ordinary I'm sorry that this has happened and you must be really sad.

This is really difficult but I guess it's better that it has happened before you go through with everything. It seems to me more like she doesn't want to go through with it anymore and just wants to nitpick with you to give excuses.

Really talk it through... and be prepared to let go. It takes a lot more strength to let go then to hold on sometimes. Be strong.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Frankly things like snoring etc could not be the reason to back out of a marriage. When you want out, any weakness will become a reason. I mean... come on... Drinking cold water affecting your fertility is as good as believing in voodoo.

She is just regretting her decision. Better now than later. Even if you guys go through it, with her half hearted, what is the point? Let her go. At the same time, give yourself time to reflect. Things like getting healthy can be done so easily, it is a matter of consistency, that's all. With the level of science and knowledge we can get about fitness and health today, it is EASY! I wish I have all these knowledge 20 years ago !
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
I'm going to try to stay as neutral as possible as I'm neither in your shoes nor your wife's shoes so I don't know the full story from both sides. If I assume wrongly or make any hurtful statements, I apologize beforehand. You mentioned that you noticed the change in your wife after the 3AM computer game incident and that you had suspicion if your wife may be having an affair. There can be two sides to this story. If your wife really is having an affair, then we know where the root of the problem lies. But what if she really isn't having an affair? Perhaps the thought of you suspecting her made her doubt if the marriage will work in the long run hence her wish to get an annulment. This is all the more so when you've confronted her more than once and have even gotten your mother to question her about her faithfulness. She may feel that you and your family don't really trust her anymore and that it may be pointless to proceed in a marriage where trust is no longer there. Once the seed of suspicion has been sown (as it has in your case), any potential triggers will only further ignite more suspicion and mistrust in the future even when no affair has been committed and she may feel that this is something she doesn't want to face. It is not uncommon for people to hide their real reasons and be reluctant to talk about it so she may end up giving all sorts of petty excuses like your snoring, weight gain and cold water habit. If neither of these two situations (affair vs feeling of not being trusted) is the answer and if she is really picking on you because of your snoring, weight gain and cold water habit, then this is a whole other issue to be tackled with (again, be mindful that these excuses may or may not be a cover for a totally unexpected real reason). Either way, try to get her to be really open as to the real issue here. Rather than confronting her, gently probe her if there are other reasons why she wants an annulment. Avoid any possible blaming words as well as the finger-pointing "you this, you that" phrases but try humbling yourself to "I-may-have-done-this-wrong-and-is-this-the-reason" sort of phrases. Hopefully your sincerity and gentle approach will make her open up to you the real reason. If the real reason is something that you both can and agree to work on, then I wish you all the best for your marriage. If it is the other way around, I'm sorry that you're facing such a predicament but take the time to also reflect on the input that she has given you so that even when you both part ways, you can learn and perhaps improve on things that you need to improve on. Wish her well, forgive her if she's in the wrong (being vengeful will only add to your hurt later) or apologize to her if you're in the wrong (it takes great courage to admit that you're wrong but what a noble courage it is), and let this incident not be a setback to your future relationship but one that serves to teach you what can make a relationship stronger.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Often, when it already comes to a point of annuling the marriage, the other party pannick and focus much energy on confirming if there is an affair or not. Realize that temptation and attraction is always out there. Spending time digging if an affair did happen does nothing to help. One is usually confused and clouded at this moment. Do not channel more time on the what ifs. Do what is helping, be it for closure or acceptance. You can do everything to try and savage the relationship but the expectation should be realistic.
 
From my point of view, I suggest you to make her " fall in love" with you again. To charm her and win her heart.
Love may fade over time so be creative and keep the sparks alive.
 

meimei1601

Member
I think love is to accept who the person is, and not trying to change the person to who we love. Bad habits is encourage to change for the better. But a person character is who the person is.
Its good to ommunication when both get to understand. But when excuses are used more than a reason, Than love is no longer there. U can change fore her just to make her happy & walk down the Isle, the qns is... For how long can u tolerate and force Urself to change whenever she is not happy at who u are.
 

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