Need advices for marriage problems faced

ENTYL

New Member
Hi all,


I am facing some problem with my marriage life. I am married to my husband for 8 months. I am getting doubt in our marriage life and need some advices.

I am currently staying with my mother-in-law “MIL”. The issue of mine is not with the MIL. The issue is with my brother-in-law (“BIL”) and his wife. They are very irritating. I never see such a selfish and greedy people before. I moved in to my hubby’s house when he proposed to me two years ago due to his house location is nearer to my workplace and I am not very good term with my parents.

My BIL had a daughter and they sold their HDB flat and bought a condo. However, as they couldn’t afford their condo, they rent it out the whole apartment and move in to and stay with us. From young, my hubby is not in good relationship with his parents. Worse still, he no longer speaks to his brother. Can you imagine staying in a house with “stranger”? I never talked to them before till now. To make the situation worsen, they causing inconvenience to us. One toilet is shared among 6 people in the house, they will sometimes purposely use the toilet at times when we in need of using (i.e. early in the morning when we preparing to go work). One most ridiculous thing that ever happens is that my BIL was in the toilet in the midnight, me and my hubby waited so long that we drove to petrol station to use toilet. What a joke!

They seldom do dishwashing, leaving their dirty plates on the table waiting for someone to wash for them (i.e. my in law if not grandma). Worse still, they sometimes don’t flush toilet after they use it. When their daughter cried in the middle of the night, they will open the door and wake up everyone in the house. Super irritating and inconsiderate!

They are “using” my MIL and FIL as they loved the granddaughter so much and pampered her with all stuffs she wanted. Can you imagine my in law bought a hand phone, a 40 inch television, a bicycle and even a single bed for a 4 years old child? A bit too much I think and make her a super spoilt brad.

The point is that my BIL is not poor. He and his wife are rich who earned at least $10k per month and his wife is some rich man’s daughter. That is the reason why my MIL feels that is kind of bad for her to marry to her son and treat her like queen and her daughter as princess. My in law will send and fetch that kid to school, feed her, pat her to sleep. As if my in law give birth to their daughter like that. Seriously, I can’t stand it seeing all this stuffs happening.

I knew this issue when I was preparing my wedding with my hubby. As I was busy with work and my examination, I don’t really see how serious this problem is until now. Didn’t know how bad it gonna affect my daily life.

My nightmare is going to begin next month as they are expecting another baby. As usual, my in law will buy a lot of things for the unborn baby. Currently, there is a cupboard full of baby stuffs in the kitchen. I did not write wrongly. KITCHEN! More than 50% of the stuffs belong to the two irritating couple. I feel like I am staying in the rubbish collection centre. I am expecting even more ridiculous things is gonna happen soon.

I only feel my presence in the house on Sunday when the irritating couple with their daughter will not be at home. Then my in law will talk to me and concern about us. I feel like going prison every weekday after work. Sometimes my hubby will be home late and I am in the room alone. I feel so bored while the living hall is full of noise of that child with my in law. Prison is the only word I can describe.

I don’t feel family love. I had problem with my parents and I don’t want to move back. I feel like renting a room outside sometimes.

On top of this, I also facing some problem with my hubby. When we are dating, we are so happy. Happiest couple on the earth (i.e. puppy love). But after our marriage I start to see problems between us. He is a workaholic. I am not happy with the fact that he seldom or never msg me during weekdays. Not that I want him to report to me every hour. At least let me know that he is safe at work. This started to happen when I moved in to stay with him. When I voiced out, he will say we are seeing each other every day, what the point of msging. I am very sad. Does it mean that once you gotten me, you no need to msg me? I admit that I am a person who needs attention. If I don’t get attention from him, should I get attention from other guys?

In addition, he loves to watch anime. He watched it at least 2 hours every day. Not that I dun want him to watch. I feel bored in the “prison” with him, while he watching his anime, what should I do? I keep surfing net if not msg my friends. Is that what newlywed do at home on weekdays? Sometimes, I feel like running out of the house. So every weekends I will ask him to bring me out.

We also have little intimate time as he said that there are people at home. If not he got no mood due to stress from work. He wanted a baby and we are not “doing” it that frequent. How to have a baby? Doing it during my ovulation period? I feel like a baby making machine. Do it just to produce. That is not what I want. It hurt my feelings. Thinking of it makes me reconsider of having a baby now. I feel that I am not ready. I am in my twenties now.

He watched porns. I knew it. Sometimes I start to wonder am I not that attract enough. However, after my friend’s analysis, my friend told me this is cleaner and faster solution to men’s urge. Does all marriage man watch porn?

I spoke to him recently on our issue. He told me I am too free to think of this issues that are not a problem. Maybe we have a baby will keep me occupied and stop thinking all this crap. This make me even upset. We even come to a conclusion to send me to counselling and he is even ok to let me reconsider our marriage.

I am very sad. Since marriage, all this problems start to surface. However, we do have happy times together I must say. We went travelling twice. We laughed at each other jokes. We hug and kiss each other every day. I am happy being with him. He never failed to make me laugh. But I don’t how to overcome all this problems I am facing. I am currently waiting for my BTO and will get my keys next year May. I do not know how I gonna survive this few months. The fear I having now is whether this gonna be a problem still even if we move in our own flat. His BIL problem might be solved, but what about ours? I dun want to start regretting this again after I have a baby. It will be very unfair to our baby.
 


miloice

Well-Known Member
just for a few months and you cannot endure.

I would suggest you to reread all the things you wrote not as yourself. Rather, as if its someone else ranting all these. Does it tell you anything? You are getting into a marriage without realizing what it really means. You should really consider his suggestion to see a counsellor and reconsider everything. his BIL is indeed not the main issue here. You have very unreal expectations of your marriage and relationship. Not happy that he doesn't SMS you during weekdays, needing a friend to analyze for you about your partner watching porn. You talk like a teenager.

You are not ready for marriage, let alone parenting.
 

ENTYL

New Member
just for a few months and you cannot endure.

I would suggest you to reread all the things you wrote not as yourself. Rather, as if its someone else ranting all these. Does it tell you anything? You are getting into a marriage without realizing what it really means. You should really consider his suggestion to see a counsellor and reconsider everything. his BIL is indeed not the main issue here. You have very unreal expectations of your marriage and relationship. Not happy that he doesn't SMS you during weekdays, needing a friend to analyze for you about your partner watching porn. You talk like a teenager.

You are not ready for marriage, let alone parenting.

Thanks for your comment. I dun think you know exactly what is happening. You do not understand how I feel unless you are in my shoes. Yes. I know I might not be ready to be a parent which I think that too. But who is ever ready to be a parent? I am trying to resolve the problems I am facing with my hubby and not inviting unnecessary nasty comments. Hope you can understand how a upset and frustrated wife feels before saying anything. Appreciated.
 

Hanjin

New Member
This is a communication issue and communication breakdown is one of the key issues in a marriage. When one partner brings up a concern, the other partner should not dismiss it. We all see things differently and we cannot deny our feelings. Having a child will not solve the issue but may even aggravate it as the underlying issue is not taken care of. Both of should take time off to see a marriage counsellor. A professional one will help you walk through the issue together if both of you do your part.

By the way, my spouse and I will be celebrating our 22 years of marriage in November. Marriage is a lot of hard work. If both hold similar values and are committed to stay together, any issues can be worked out.
 

ENTYL

New Member
This is a communication issue and communication breakdown is one of the key issues in a marriage. When one partner brings up a concern, the other partner should not dismiss it. We all see things differently and we cannot deny our feelings. Having a child will not solve the issue but may even aggravate it as the underlying issue is not taken care of. Both of should take time off to see a marriage counsellor. A professional one will help you walk through the issue together if both of you do your part.

By the way, my spouse and I will be celebrating our 22 years of marriage in November. Marriage is a lot of hard work. If both hold similar values and are committed to stay together, any issues can be worked out.

Thanks Hanjin for your advice. Appreciated. I had a talk with my hubby yesterday. He seem to be more serious into resolving our issue. However, I am not sure if this gonna work out. As he is a self-centered person, he admitted, this make me worry about it. Hopefully he really see the real problem and not just make me worry free for awhile.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
well... don't even bother to ask for opinions when you are going to start this you are no in my shoes reasoning.

have you taken the simple advise to reread what you posted and reflect what the entire post tells about you?
 
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miloice

Well-Known Member
Which part of the comment is nasty? That you are not ready, that you speak with expectations that are really far from reality? A person's sexuality doesn't happen overnight. Your husband have been probably masturbating and surfing porn to get his sexual urges fulfilled, this developed since puberty, not something that happen last night and your presence doesn't change that either.

On his family, his parents are kind enough to accomodate the both of you while you wait for your BTO. This is not an entitlement. Yes, the bil might be damn irritating. However, nothing changes, it is not your house. His parents doing jelly fish parenting style spoilt the children and now the grandchildren as well. Again, they are NOT your kids, they are not in your house either. Its one thing to share your emotions with your spouse, another, to have some expectation that somehow they will changed to accomodate to your expectations. Well, you didn't really demand that but what do you expect your husband to do? Humans are all emotional, it is not specific to you alone. There are lots of things and people that we might not agree with, that we might find annoying. You mentioned it youself, it is only a few months. So deal with it.

Now, the very first part of being parent, is to be aware and in control of our own emotion. Its a lifelong decision. Your children will observe. With the kind of careless way of reasoning for parenting, you have the cheek to think others are not in your shoes. Everyone have our unique problems as well. Just because others do not agree with you doesn't mean they are unable to understand and empathize with you. When your thought processes are so casual, not thinking into the implications, what you urgently is to realize what you are getting into. You cannot excuse bad decisions on the environment and people around you. You are part of that equation as well.

Another example on how weird your line of reasoning is. Your husband is a workaholic because he doesn't SMS you during weekdays. Not being in your shoes or the writing is all on the wall? Thank abt it.
 
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ENTYL

New Member
Which part of the comment is nasty? That you are not ready, that you speak with expectations that are really far from reality? A person's sexuality doesn't happen overnight. Your husband have been probably masturbating and surfing porn to get his sexual urges fulfilled, this developed since puberty, not something that happen last night and your presence doesn't change that either.

On his family, his parents are kind enough to accomodate the both of you while you wait for your BTO. This is not an entitlement. Yes, the bil might be damn irritating. However, nothing changes, it is not your house. His parents doing jelly fish parenting style spoilt the children and now the grandchildren as well. Again, they are NOT your kids, they are not in your house either. Its one thing to share your emotions with your spouse, another, to have some expectation that somehow they will changed to accomodate to your expectations. Well, you didn't really demand that but what do you expect your husband to do? Humans are all emotional, it is not specific to you alone. There are lots of things and people that we might not agree with, that we might find annoying. You mentioned it youself, it is only a few months. So deal with it.

Now, the very first part of being parent, is to be aware and in control of our own emotion. Its a lifelong decision. Your children will observe. With the kind of careless way of reasoning for parenting, you have the cheek to think others are not in your shoes. Everyone have our unique problems as well. Just because others do not agree with you doesn't mean they are unable to understand and empathize with you. When your thought processes are so casual, not thinking into the implications, what you urgently is to realize what you are getting into. You cannot excuse bad decisions on the environment and people around you. You are part of that equation as well.

Another example on how weird your line of reasoning is. Your husband is a workaholic because he doesn't SMS you during weekdays. Not being in your shoes or the writing is all on the wall? Thank abt it.
Thanks for your comments. Different ppl have different feelings and tolerance limit. To me I feel that you are just vending your anger accusing me. Not sure what really had happen to you , can't be bother too. You can never feel how I feel unless you were me. Cos you dun have such situation happen to you. My situation might not be worse than you but it is still a problem I am facing with my hubby. Please use your sympathy and feminine feelings to see the problem instead of jumping and make nasty comments again. Seriously, I won't bother your comments again. Nothing seem helpful to me.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
your reasoning is really reflecting how much in denial you are. Anyway, good luck for you getting deeper with this kind of logic.
 

jjjk

Member
ENTYL, you're being too defensive. I can only see all good intentions and logical reasoning by miloice. Sure, you're going through a lot of frustration now that is why you may tend to take any objective reasoning not written in a sympathetic tone as criticism, but not sounding all kind and emotional for not mean the advice is not helpful. We are all strangers, and just here trying to help you get out of your negativity. Have you thought that as outsiders, we can actually see the whole picture clearer?

To make things simple, just put your in laws and BIL and his kids out of the picture because, like miloice says, it is not your house, not your kids, not your parents. We can only control and worry about so many things in life, so just work on what you can control, ie your own marriage, your own life. If you can't stand being at home, find something to do after work until your husband comes home. Take up an activity, do volunteer work, it doesn't even cost money! If you're gonna say you're tired after work and just want to rest, then just shut the door and you have your little haven in your room.

As for your husband, I feel that all the more you need to listen to advice from the guys in this forum because men just think differently from women. Your husband may not be behaving up to your expectations not because he doesn't want to, but because he doesn't understand your expectations.
 

traciee

Active Member
Why come here to look for advise when it seems that you only wanna hear the good stuffs and not the bad stuffs?

Plus you mentioned to miloice that 'you can never feel how i feel unless you were me'. Im sorry but no one here knows how u feel. I repeat - NO ONE. And u know why? Because as what u said - we are not you. So what are u actually looking for?

Even simple things like this already reflect how you set expectations. You are hoping for ppl to adapt to what YOU want and not be open to other things/changes around you. The world doesnt just revolve around u yknow?

And sorry if you also think that my reply is also not of help to you. I just HAD to reply cause i cant understand people like u.

All the best.
 

pinkpetter

Member
Since we can't see it from your point of view because we're not you.... Then I'll try seeing it from your BIL's view....

He probably thinks it's ridiculous that you suddenly move in just because you are not on good terms with your own parents and just cos the place is nearer to your workplace (because you had been travelling to and fro fine before you got married.) He's the son and that's his own father's place, so he appears to have more of a right to it then a daughter in law who just married in (no blood relation). He ALSO sees you as a stranger and is struggling to live with a stranger (YOU) in the house. He's also probably wondering why the hell you need to use the toilet just when he is using it and considering there are 6 people in the house trying to use one toilet, the toilet should be very well used and probably cannot flush fully every single time (unless you have a central flushing system like in shopping malls.) He might also wonder why you think that he loves the toilet so much that he would enjoy spending hours in it just to spite you (when a toilet is not exactly the nicest place on Earth). When his daughter cries and needs milk / diapers/ or needs to walked about, he probably needs to open the door to get the milk and diapers in the kitchen, where you mention it's being stored. Not quite sure how he is supposed to get to the kitchen without opening the door.

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Your FIL and MIL sound like extremely kind and doting people.... especially to put up with all their sons and wives suddenly moving in at the same time to a flat with only one toilet. So I would expect them to shower plenty of love on the child like they would on yours when yours arrive. And since it's their money, time and love, why make it your problem? To many old folks, having a child in their lives is like having treasure and the joy that the child brings them is priceless, much more than a tv, bicycle and handphone can bring. Again, since it's not your money, it's not your problem. And if the kid does grow up to be a real brat, then it's her parents' problem, not yours (I thought you would be happy that that's retribution for them.) Why bother?

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On a more serious note, really.

When you marry a man, the family, extended family, all come in a package. When you get upset over these things, you create a rift between you and your hubby. It's not easy for your hubby to have to comfort you and accommodate his family. Even if he doesn't like his own brother, they came from the same parents and live under the same roof. He needs to give all of them "face" even if he doesn't like them.

On top of that, you are finding fault with him. The SMSing thing, the porn thing (yes it is normal for men to watch porn even when they are married.), the anime thing (it is normal for men to have hobbies). How is he not to feel frustrated? He comes home and you complain about basically everything!

You'll be getting out of this house situation really soon. What I suggest? Talk it out with your hubby. If you really feel upset, buy a calendar and strike off the days as they go by. Count down to moving to your BTO. (I'm really not sure that'll solve your problems either.)

Just my two cents.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Husband's suggestion of starting a family to keep her mind occupied and away of all the negativity is a dangerous move. Her inability to appreciate any of the love the parents in law are giving to the grand children reflects a lot about her passion for children. When couples really want children, it is not just sex, they time it for it. Yes, many literally doing for it to conceive. It changes nothing about the quality of the relationship and marriage. The wife doesn't become a child bearer because the couple wants a baby and does it in the most effective time.

Self absorbed individuals are often reliant on others for validation and acknowledgement, but are generally speaking incapable of returning either.
 
well first and foremost - try to be a positive person...look at things more openly and you'll find that breather space may make u see things clearer. good luck
 

meimei1601

Member
Sometime, fairy tales and real life need to be separated. We cannot expect a marriage life to be happy ever after. Everyone has their own issues and problems, but we always think our own are the worst. Just bear few mths n maybe Ur fair tales will happen. Maybe... but maybe not. I agree with all the ppl here giving u comment. The truth is always the worst advice. Imagine someone out there with similar situation but hv to tolerate her entire life.

Pinkpetter is right. Use the calender thingy, go for holiday... This will lesser out the day of tolerance. Watching porn is normal, they might find new style n inspiration from it to try out.. :)

I dun like anime as well, but I rather my man watch anime than chatting online with other girls or gaming tat takes whole day.

As for sms... maybe u can tell him that u would love to hear from him when u sms hi cos u miss her when he leaves Ur side. And sms u makes u feel wanted and love more.. be passionate about those little thing b a. ..
 

acetone

New Member
This calls for some self reflection.

A word of advise, if you only care about yourself and own feelings, your marriage will not last.
 

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