more than a decade...is it going the right direction?

uncertainty

New Member
hello to everyone. i am new to this place. I have read many inspiring posts here and very painful experiences but also great love stories and strengths of people. i come sharing my story (and in the process, trying to heal myself and seek some guidance).

I met my fiancé when we were still in school. we were from different schools but we fell in love over common interests. we dated then, and through towards junior college, army, overseas uni, graduation, first job. we are happy - always happy, i believe. people often said how adorable we are - because we could be so comfortable with one another - always smiling, laughing and talking about anything under the sun. i am very sure, he is my soulmate, the one. we watched each other grow up, helped each other gain strength, perspective and maturity in life, and he constantly told me that from the first day we met, he knew i was the one - he was so happy. even though i constantly made fun of him - how can a boy, barely into puberty, know that a girl - the first girl he ever dated - is the one. of course, it was the best thing i have ever heard in my life.

life hasn't been easy - i mean his parents are great but i always felt inadequate for their expectations. nonetheless, they treat me like family. i come from a broken family, with my entire extended family members having hoards and hoards of history of cheating. i grew up in an environment believing that people are liars, people are cheaters.

about one and a half year ago, i had to relocate for work. we made the decision that he stays here while i move - since the travel was about 5 hours difference and i could fly frequently as much as i could. everything went well at first - it was sad - but it was like going back to school and army again - not being able to see each other frequently albeit with Skype and FaceTime now and we spoke to each other every single day.

then, this woman came.
i believe till this day, she is a nice person - with many friends, sweet, kind and popular. but you know, i cannot shake this really uneasy feeling out of me. i knew, so deeply in my guts, that something wasn't right. it was driving me crazy. i went to work as if everything was fine, but deep inside me, i was dying. he still told me he loved me, how happy he was to anticipate my return home soon, how much he missed me. he didn't tell me about her until i asked him who this new girl was on Facebook. of course, he said it was just platonic friendship - a new person on his team. alright. they spoke to each other frequently, and i could tell because when we skyped, i could see his smile when he was talking to her - yes - i finally could not trust him and had a look at his conversations. when i came back, we were happy - he was his normal self, but i could feel something was off. i confronted him - he told me i was crazy, that he felt nothing, maybe she hit on him but he felt nothing - just purely helping a new member out at the job. when she was reappointed to another department shortly after, i found out that he was still checking her Facebook page. They sent supportive sweet texts to each other in a group chat, and i could feel that he felt happy, relaxed and fresh when he is with her - albeit this could just be conjunction in my brain. he said when he first met her he had already wanted to introduce her to his buddy because he was her type - i felt so uncomfortable because he never ever ever introduces any girl for his buddy - ever. not even after his buddy was cheated on before their wedding. i did the stupidest thing i ever ever did - i deleted her contact, her Facebook, every trace of her i can think of from him. of course, why why wasn't i thinking right at that moment? i feel terrible. i think his friends knew and must think i am crazy. i never acted so insane before. i felt a distance - i don't know if i am crazy.

it has been a while now - he is of course still as per normal. but i still feel that my feeling isn't wrong. we had countless talks over this issue - and he constantly attributes it to my insecurity, my sudden escalation of fear, that despite him being the best partner, giving me and allowing me to do anything i want that no other guys have because he knew i was hurt before and how we were going to tie the knot, i was still unable to trust him. to me, maybe from my past, i have always believed that if you think of another person other than the one you are dating, you are cheating. i know many would lambast me for being conservative, closed minded - but perhaps i am just afraid of getting hurt. i am afraid, this younger, more beautiful, lovely new friend would breathe a breath of fresh excitement into his life - after all, he has been with this one girl for more than a decade.

i love him with all my heart, and i know that he accepted me for all my flaws. we are getting married some time end of next year. childhood sweethearts. but can love die down after so many years? could she have been the catalyst? or can all this just be my fears and anxieties, and i am letting him down?
 


Dar dar

New Member
Your family past is affecting your judgement. And, Negative begets more negativeness. Was it just your own negative imaginary or maybe u r right? Only u can figure that out.
 

taming_the_mind

New Member
Hello uncertainty,

Thanks for sharing.

Assuming that your partner is telling the truth, and that there is nothing between his female friend and him, then it's a matter of communication, understanding each other's expectations, understand the male mind and the legacy our family leaves us.

1. Communication

I think you guys have done a lot of this. There's much advice on how to communicate, so I just want to say that when you talk, there must be an objective. You need to know what you want to say, and keep to it. Don't go in a big circle. It's very easy to do so because matters of the heart are not straight forward, and there are many distractions when we start to talk about how we feel. It sounds silly but it might be helpful to do a little homework before you talk - write down what exactly you want to find out from your bf, and what you want to tell him. This will bring clarity to the conversation.

2. Understanding each others expectations

Both of you need to know what the rules of your relationship are. And this is open to debate and discussion. No such thing as "I assumed ..." I think the big issue w.r.t. to your situation is boundaries. If you think he's flirting, tell him. And tell him why you don't like it, and the reasons why (ie. your insecurity). If he laughs it off, shake him and say it again. If he still laughs it off, then it means he doesn't really understand what it takes to be in a relationship, where you MUST be able to see where your partner is coming from, even if you don't agree with it. Once he acknowledges your opinion, try to reach a compromise. Don't impose rules on him, but try to meet in the middle. It's an instance of give and take. Long term relationships are all about either ignoring a flaw, or meeting in the middle. Imposing something on your partner rarely works. I suggest you apologise to your bf for deleting the girl from his FB etc. That's an example of imposing your will on him without him being able to respond. And all this has played out in public. BUT use this as an opportunity to talk about why you did what you did, and where you were coming from.

3. Understand the male mind

There's no easy way to say this but I think guys minds and eyes will wander. What separates the jerks from the decent chaps is the latter's ability to recognise what's happening, and to stop it. Of course, you need to be clear what your boundaries are - when must he "stop it"? Again, up to both of you to decide.

4. The legacy your family has left you

This is huge and we often don't realise how much an impact they have on our relationships. As the previous poster mentioned, you could be acting and feeling and thinking the way you do because of your family history. I realise a lot of the things I'm not doing well in my marriage are precisely the things my parents did, or at the very least, can be partly traced to my experience growing up.

Here, you need to figure out what's wrong and what's right. What are the wrong conclusions to jump to, but what are the right warning signs too? It's not easy, and you could very well need professional help. There's nothing wrong in seeking a counselor. Sometimes, all we really need is an objective third party perspective. This is especially so if you do not have any older role models to look up to, or mentors you can seek advice from

While what you're experiencing is unpleasant, I can't say it's abnormal or terribly unique. My wife and I have been attending a marriage course because we too have been struggling with several issues. The biggest benefit I've received from the course is perspective which I've gotten just listening to those who have been married for 10, 20 years describe their relationships, their ups and downs. I have come to realise (and the course leader also said) that every marriage has problems. Every relationship has awful problems. He's done the course for about five years and he's seen it all. But he's also seen how couples can reconcile and fix things if they both want to. More importantly, he always says there's hope, if you have perspective. Don't think there's never any light at the end of the tunnel. Expand your perspective and time horizon a little.

Your struggle now can seem very long and very painful. And it does hurt. But take a step back and think "all this will eventually pass" if you try to solve the problem. It's like running a marathon. You suffer, you want to give up, but in the end you feel shiok. Of course maintaining that perspective is very difficult. But then again, long-term relationships are very difficult. Don't be deceived by all the happiness and good stuff you see on FB or what your friends tell you. There is indeed good stuff, but you must also recognise that there will always be friction, and what you're going through isn't unusual. All couples have their own unique sources of conflict.

Finally, love can die. Love is not a feeling, but an act. If you don't make a conscious decision to love a person, you will have big problems. Of course, there must be a basic spark, but don't assume love is either there or not. If you don't put in effort, even those who are 100% compatible will fall out of love. Also think of this - why do arrange marriages work? Especially the older generation? Why are they in love even though they probably didn't have that feeling initially. Just do lor ... love initially was an act, and it grew.

The biggest challenge to this is letting the rest of life become a greater priority. You need to somehow put your partner above everyone else. But there's a saying that's so true - familiarity breeds contempt. Once you're familiar with the person, you take them for granted, assume he or she can take whatever crap you will dish out because he or she "will understand." Not true.
 

adelene

Member
Hi uncertainty,

This is how I see about your situation from your story.

I am wondering do you believe that you deserve such wonderful relationship with him and do you consistently fear that it will not be long and lasting.
If you do, please overcome your own fear of losing him since I can see that you still love him very much.

Only time can show you the truth, but during this period of time, you have to completely trust his words and do not trust what you had seen. They might or might not be truth. At least this is for you to feel better. Focus less on his relationship with this woman and strengthen your communication with your fiance.

Love him meaning you have to trust that there is nothing between them when he told you so. Be understanding and more tolerating and kind. Put yourself in your fiance shoes, he will feel disappointed if his fiancee still doubt and mistrust him after all that both of you had been through? If he is smart, he won't give up a long and strong relationship for something that last just a few sec. But with your persistent questioning might mislead his judgement at this period of time. So, ultimately you have to do your best to show your concern and support. What done cannot be undone at your side, so your current action will change your future. Be kind to yourself and your fiance and you will have a future ahead of you.

Hope I can hear good news from you. Wish you all the best in seeking your happiness.
 

sadman2009

Active Member
I think Adeline and TS you need to understand how a guy thinks. If a guy isn't interested in a lady, he will not send very close or love messages to a lady. Unless once in a while and for special reason such as the lady was very depressed and needed to feel supported. If a guy frequently text a lady with love and care messages, it will be very difficult to argue that he doesn't feel anything. You know, for most guys, we do things for a purpose. If there is no purpose we won't waste time doing. So, TS, your concerns is justifiable. But what you can do is to tell him straight about everything. That you will trust what he says because you love him and you treasure this marriage. However, you will not tolerate him committing adultery. Let him know the seriousness of it. After that, you should focus more on yourself. Make yourself look better, in appearance and in qualities. Improve in your overall. That will make you more attractive to others and also to your husband. Then may be you will win him over without a fight. Even if eventually you choose to leave him, he will know that he has made a great mistake.
 

uncertainty

New Member
Dear all,

thank you very very much for all the heartfelt advice i have read and listened. Over the past few months, we communicated and had a really wonderful time together. I was happy again. I guess, I got this sense of crisis averted because she was out of our lives (moved workplace + my stupidity impulse on deleting her phone n social media from him), no more of her presence. I felt, we were back to normal, back to usual, back to being us, just us. We started talking about having children, planning i mean, because we are/were so excited for the next stage of our lives. Knowing that i am very child-adverse (given how I grew up with a broken family), my partner's gentle, sweet and loving and humorous qualities really make me reconsider my dislike for having children. Now that I have moved back, we have been taking gym sessions together, i have taken up biking with him, and he has planned to train with me on my marathon. He hates running while i love running. Yes, I might be very overweight and fat, battling lifelong hormonal issues and at times feeling awful about my body, but i always think i look alright enough for him because my mother instilled a habit in me since young to always look neat and presentable. Trying hard to lose weight to look good on big day, we work hard together as a couple activity.

i thought my life is set on course again.

Yet, I wonder if life is playing a joke on me, as last week, that woman met up with my partner again and they have been texting since. She would ask for meet ups, dinners and stuff. Yes, texting in a group chat where she is the only girl out of 5 guys. I can't ask to see his phone for fear of upsetting him. I reminded him to proceed with caution given how i felt previously.

But, i guess this time round, it is too much for me to bear. I don't think i can do it. I lost all my senses. We had a huge fight and for the first time, he told me i was psychotic, neurotic, crazy and he cannot deal with me anymore, that i had battered him enough and to F off (he has been saying this constantly now). Of course, there are moments when he would calm down, he would hold my hand and tell me he loves me, tell me that he has always belonged to me and no one is taking him away from him and he will never leave. But they all sound so fleeting to me now.

I do not understand why we have become like this, when all i wanted to do was to tell him, hey, this isn't going right. Perhaps i cried too much. Perhaps i was wailing and could not control myself. Perhaps i refused to let it go and kept insisting on my point about how uncomfortable she made me feel.

He kept insisting it is just maintaining an acquaintance relationship. Not even "platonic friendship". Just some EXco-workers, networking in a group for in case someone has some opportunities that he can ride along with. Does acquaintance means texting all the time? He would scream at me and say that "no one is planning to go out with each other", and that i am overboard. I reminded him that he was the one who gave that kind of smile-but-don't-want-to-smile / smile-but-trying-to-stop-smiling type of smile when i ask him about the times they sat together, had lunches together when i was stationed overseas. IT MADE ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE but he refuses to listen. He never did that. He has never been this concerned over another girl, so anxious about maintaining relationship with another person/group of people. He tells me it is all in the context of "networking" in a social group and that i am not letting him do so. Why did she make him feel like he is so poor in networking or so lacking in friends? why must he network with just THIS particular group? If this is real acquaintance, why do i feel this is more, the effort is so much more?

He insists I do not understand the meaning of friendship vs. acquaintance vs. something more because i am socially awkward. (yes, i only have a handful of friends that i keep regular contact with unlike that girl, who is young and has many many many many friends, and yes, i do not seem to find it easy to go up to a stranger and say, hi!). It pains me to see him smile or laugh with/about her/her stuff. He kept insisting he "is not cheating and it hurts to know that i feel this way and accuse him so". No matter how hard i explained that I not accusing him of doing so but telling him she is making things very tough for us, he wouldn't listen. He said he is not defending her, he is defending himself.

My self esteem and self worth is at an all time low, given that i have a huge appraisal coming up in a few months time for a big promotion i have been waiting for. Given that i grew up with abusive family constantly telling me i am not good enough, i am inadequate, that i am fat and should diet, battling eating disorder developed during my teenage years because of this, and being told that "one day when my boyfriend or husband leaves me that i will know the pain of betrayal", this is another big blow to me at an adulthood stage.

I have lost all appetite to eat that i only eat 1 small meal a day and that is sufficient, lost all my spirit at work, and haven't had any proper sleep for the longest longest time. In fact, I haven't slept in days. Meanwhile, we fight everyday, almost to the point of me begging him and telling him i can do everything he wants, even though he insists the only thing he wants is for me to trust him and we can be happy again. to the point i tell him to bring forward our plans and just get married asap. But now i look back at what i said, i can't. not this time. i feel there is something very wrong. i don't understand why and how.

I really do not know why one stranger whom i have never ever ever ever met can turn my life upside down like this. Am i headed down a path like my family? Do i not deserve a shot at happiness? Or is this the end of our more than a decade long love? i am so lost. i do not know how to proceed, or feel.
 

bearine

Member
Wailing and crying does not salvage relationship, and only gradually makes things worse, the more time you do it.
If he's not willing to commit, even after marriage, he will not. Just let nature takes its course bah, leave her out from your conversations since talking more about her only strains your relationships and making both of you unhappy. You would not want him to be seeking her for "advices" which give him another reason to start a conversation with her.

Likewise, I also only have a handful of very close friends, rather than keeping alot of not-that-close friends, nth to be "ashamed" of.

Decade long relationship are not easy to let go definitely, but does not mean you cannot let go. Feel that it is a time you should take a back-seat and observe, and don't shower him with too much attention.
 
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gene.snit

Member
@uncertainty, first of all, not eating / sleeping is not going to help solve this problem. not eating is not going to help you lose weight in the long term.
don't ignore the fact that your instincts tell you something is wrong. why don't you meet her and get to know her? like you, your bf and her can go out on a lunch date. look at their chemistry. if something is really up, I'm sure you would know.
 

Pillowcase

Member
Hey girl, I'm sorry to be hearing of your plight.
I have been with my fiance for almost 7 years now and been through all of what you've mentioned - life's milestones (met only after poly though).
How are you doing and keeping up?

I have roughly the same family situation where trust and fidelity don't exist. I'm also built to believe nothing lasts forever - it's only until one fine day one of us loses control and morality and does the forbidden.
I had a logic of "I trust you, but I don't trust the others", and so does he. Thus we exercise caution when we realise the opposite parties whom may seem interested and talk it out.

But, please I know it's been 10 years for you 2 and it's hard to just let go of everything due to your boyfriend's erratic behaviour and your woman albeit paranoid instincts. If it's me, I'll be paranoid too!
I believe it takes a hell lot of determination for both parties to communicate and work the tides through but it seems to me like you're the only one with such concerns and whereas your boyfriend has even cursed and sweared at you (have you likewise been nasty to him to warrant such a reaction?)

Also... there's also this age-old saying that "What belongs to you, will come back to you ultimately" . If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Don't forsake your happiness and health just because of the situation you are facing now. If he's in the right mindset to cherish and protect you, he'll make amendments for you are the one for him. BUT, YOU on the other hand have to learn to control your temperament and emotions (especially with the eating disorders, family support, and pressures at the workplace). Let us know how I or we can help here.
 

ashes13

New Member
Hi uncertainty, your situation seems like a deja vu to mine except that we are married.

We have been together for 14 years, things changed after he had a new job and knew this woman who he claimed are just friends. And like you, I did the exact same thing. I deleted her off his facebook, hp etc and he turned back and accused that I do not trust him. To cut short, we are filing for divorce now, and it's his decision. And of cos they are together now.

All I can say is; when in doubt, don't do it. It is better to let go now. Painful but time heals.

All the best. Stay strong.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi there,

it is not the stranger that turned your life like this, it is your insecurity. Everything you shared so far doesn't suggest how your partner have even cheated on you. To have an attraction or think of another person isn't cheating. We care for even strangers starving and dying, we will care for our friends. It is being human and with emotions. We need to accept that reality. We are humans and would continue to have social needs and validation of our emotions beyond just our partners. We need friends, to connect, exchange and engage. Being an introvert, you probably have a lesser need for it. However, you know your partner for this long, is he as much an introvert as you?

I'm an extrovert, behaved as an introvert for much of my early schooling days. It is hell, hatred for all those that I felt ridiculed and laughed at by my peer. However, the reality is far from it, it is myself. My reactions is what attracted their ridicule to begin with. At one point, I often think about beating up or revenging against my classmates. You might have read about Elliot Rodger, the son of the director of the hunger games. He plotted a crazy murder killing his room mates and went around the streets targeting youths and couples. He struggled with his sexuality since puberty and self esteem. His thoughts consumed him completely that lead him to the mass murders and eventually his own death just months ago. Don't let negetivity eat into you. It kills a person and brings the worst out of them. Every single person is able to love and hate, to be really wonderful or totally terrible. How much we are aware of how and what influences us, allows us to better manage our thoughts and emotions.

As I age, I'm becoming more comfortable and confident with my emotions. As a teen, it was anger management and sexuality issues. Then, communication issues with relationships. After marriage, its dealing with temptations and guarding my own emotions. At the same time, I'm becoming more at ease with my actual personality. Each phase, we learn to cope with different things and we can become better. Unlike IQ, EQ improves with experience. Stop bashing yourself but at the same time stop excusing your bad behaviors as well. FACE them, acknowledge you screwed up and deal with it. Reflect and think over why you did what you did. Was it the best way to manage it?

Trust can be built with effort, it takes time and lots of positive communication. As a guy, I can tell you, the kinds of temptations we get is not straight forward,
on lust, there is the paid sex, spas sessions with customers and buddies, loneliness when overseas, one night stands
on friendships,
there is the brotherly caring need in men to be that macho friend to support and help the damsel in distress.
for guys that usually takes the initiative, having young sweet girls admiring us is very wonderful feeling on the ego.

I'm pretty honest with my partner about all these. Of course, I would be sensitive with her feelings not to share beyond what she is comfortable with. However, the sharing helps her understand me and at the same time build the trust.

I went through 10 blissful years of marriage, it hasn't been easy at all. Lots of conflicts and issues with family, finances, health etc. Its all part of life and key lesson points for us. That walk has been such a wonderful one. I don't even want to think about life without her.

Dear all,
I really do not know why one stranger whom i have never ever ever ever met can turn my life upside down like this. Am i headed down a path like my family? Do i not deserve a shot at happiness? Or is this the end of our more than a decade long love? i am so lost. i do not know how to proceed, or feel.
 

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