uncertainty
New Member
hello to everyone. i am new to this place. I have read many inspiring posts here and very painful experiences but also great love stories and strengths of people. i come sharing my story (and in the process, trying to heal myself and seek some guidance).
I met my fiancé when we were still in school. we were from different schools but we fell in love over common interests. we dated then, and through towards junior college, army, overseas uni, graduation, first job. we are happy - always happy, i believe. people often said how adorable we are - because we could be so comfortable with one another - always smiling, laughing and talking about anything under the sun. i am very sure, he is my soulmate, the one. we watched each other grow up, helped each other gain strength, perspective and maturity in life, and he constantly told me that from the first day we met, he knew i was the one - he was so happy. even though i constantly made fun of him - how can a boy, barely into puberty, know that a girl - the first girl he ever dated - is the one. of course, it was the best thing i have ever heard in my life.
life hasn't been easy - i mean his parents are great but i always felt inadequate for their expectations. nonetheless, they treat me like family. i come from a broken family, with my entire extended family members having hoards and hoards of history of cheating. i grew up in an environment believing that people are liars, people are cheaters.
about one and a half year ago, i had to relocate for work. we made the decision that he stays here while i move - since the travel was about 5 hours difference and i could fly frequently as much as i could. everything went well at first - it was sad - but it was like going back to school and army again - not being able to see each other frequently albeit with Skype and FaceTime now and we spoke to each other every single day.
then, this woman came.
i believe till this day, she is a nice person - with many friends, sweet, kind and popular. but you know, i cannot shake this really uneasy feeling out of me. i knew, so deeply in my guts, that something wasn't right. it was driving me crazy. i went to work as if everything was fine, but deep inside me, i was dying. he still told me he loved me, how happy he was to anticipate my return home soon, how much he missed me. he didn't tell me about her until i asked him who this new girl was on Facebook. of course, he said it was just platonic friendship - a new person on his team. alright. they spoke to each other frequently, and i could tell because when we skyped, i could see his smile when he was talking to her - yes - i finally could not trust him and had a look at his conversations. when i came back, we were happy - he was his normal self, but i could feel something was off. i confronted him - he told me i was crazy, that he felt nothing, maybe she hit on him but he felt nothing - just purely helping a new member out at the job. when she was reappointed to another department shortly after, i found out that he was still checking her Facebook page. They sent supportive sweet texts to each other in a group chat, and i could feel that he felt happy, relaxed and fresh when he is with her - albeit this could just be conjunction in my brain. he said when he first met her he had already wanted to introduce her to his buddy because he was her type - i felt so uncomfortable because he never ever ever introduces any girl for his buddy - ever. not even after his buddy was cheated on before their wedding. i did the stupidest thing i ever ever did - i deleted her contact, her Facebook, every trace of her i can think of from him. of course, why why wasn't i thinking right at that moment? i feel terrible. i think his friends knew and must think i am crazy. i never acted so insane before. i felt a distance - i don't know if i am crazy.
it has been a while now - he is of course still as per normal. but i still feel that my feeling isn't wrong. we had countless talks over this issue - and he constantly attributes it to my insecurity, my sudden escalation of fear, that despite him being the best partner, giving me and allowing me to do anything i want that no other guys have because he knew i was hurt before and how we were going to tie the knot, i was still unable to trust him. to me, maybe from my past, i have always believed that if you think of another person other than the one you are dating, you are cheating. i know many would lambast me for being conservative, closed minded - but perhaps i am just afraid of getting hurt. i am afraid, this younger, more beautiful, lovely new friend would breathe a breath of fresh excitement into his life - after all, he has been with this one girl for more than a decade.
i love him with all my heart, and i know that he accepted me for all my flaws. we are getting married some time end of next year. childhood sweethearts. but can love die down after so many years? could she have been the catalyst? or can all this just be my fears and anxieties, and i am letting him down?
I met my fiancé when we were still in school. we were from different schools but we fell in love over common interests. we dated then, and through towards junior college, army, overseas uni, graduation, first job. we are happy - always happy, i believe. people often said how adorable we are - because we could be so comfortable with one another - always smiling, laughing and talking about anything under the sun. i am very sure, he is my soulmate, the one. we watched each other grow up, helped each other gain strength, perspective and maturity in life, and he constantly told me that from the first day we met, he knew i was the one - he was so happy. even though i constantly made fun of him - how can a boy, barely into puberty, know that a girl - the first girl he ever dated - is the one. of course, it was the best thing i have ever heard in my life.
life hasn't been easy - i mean his parents are great but i always felt inadequate for their expectations. nonetheless, they treat me like family. i come from a broken family, with my entire extended family members having hoards and hoards of history of cheating. i grew up in an environment believing that people are liars, people are cheaters.
about one and a half year ago, i had to relocate for work. we made the decision that he stays here while i move - since the travel was about 5 hours difference and i could fly frequently as much as i could. everything went well at first - it was sad - but it was like going back to school and army again - not being able to see each other frequently albeit with Skype and FaceTime now and we spoke to each other every single day.
then, this woman came.
i believe till this day, she is a nice person - with many friends, sweet, kind and popular. but you know, i cannot shake this really uneasy feeling out of me. i knew, so deeply in my guts, that something wasn't right. it was driving me crazy. i went to work as if everything was fine, but deep inside me, i was dying. he still told me he loved me, how happy he was to anticipate my return home soon, how much he missed me. he didn't tell me about her until i asked him who this new girl was on Facebook. of course, he said it was just platonic friendship - a new person on his team. alright. they spoke to each other frequently, and i could tell because when we skyped, i could see his smile when he was talking to her - yes - i finally could not trust him and had a look at his conversations. when i came back, we were happy - he was his normal self, but i could feel something was off. i confronted him - he told me i was crazy, that he felt nothing, maybe she hit on him but he felt nothing - just purely helping a new member out at the job. when she was reappointed to another department shortly after, i found out that he was still checking her Facebook page. They sent supportive sweet texts to each other in a group chat, and i could feel that he felt happy, relaxed and fresh when he is with her - albeit this could just be conjunction in my brain. he said when he first met her he had already wanted to introduce her to his buddy because he was her type - i felt so uncomfortable because he never ever ever introduces any girl for his buddy - ever. not even after his buddy was cheated on before their wedding. i did the stupidest thing i ever ever did - i deleted her contact, her Facebook, every trace of her i can think of from him. of course, why why wasn't i thinking right at that moment? i feel terrible. i think his friends knew and must think i am crazy. i never acted so insane before. i felt a distance - i don't know if i am crazy.
it has been a while now - he is of course still as per normal. but i still feel that my feeling isn't wrong. we had countless talks over this issue - and he constantly attributes it to my insecurity, my sudden escalation of fear, that despite him being the best partner, giving me and allowing me to do anything i want that no other guys have because he knew i was hurt before and how we were going to tie the knot, i was still unable to trust him. to me, maybe from my past, i have always believed that if you think of another person other than the one you are dating, you are cheating. i know many would lambast me for being conservative, closed minded - but perhaps i am just afraid of getting hurt. i am afraid, this younger, more beautiful, lovely new friend would breathe a breath of fresh excitement into his life - after all, he has been with this one girl for more than a decade.
i love him with all my heart, and i know that he accepted me for all my flaws. we are getting married some time end of next year. childhood sweethearts. but can love die down after so many years? could she have been the catalyst? or can all this just be my fears and anxieties, and i am letting him down?