Should I marry someone who had annulment before?

Louvre

New Member
I'd just found out my bf had no idea he was married for 3 years and now he's filing for annulment. This is weird in many ways for me because his ex-fiancee (a Japan foreign student) had left Singapore ever since they broken up in 2012. He had never went through any solemnisation, no witness or ceremony on his side as he let his ex-fiancee to process all the paper work.

One time, she let him sign one paper all in Japanese before when they were about to get married, but trusting her, he signed the paper although he didn't understand a single word. After the wedding was called off, the girl went back to her country and they never kept in contact anymore. Before she left, she did not mention anything about the signed documents to him so he didn't think it'd affect him at all. Back then he was 24.

In any case, how can someone not know he's married or not for years and sign a document which he can't read or comprehend at all???

Couple of weeks back, when we're discussing on our wedding preparations, he suddenly remembered about this document he signed and hired a lawyer to check on his marriage status, only to realise he is married to her ex-fiancee over the last 3 years.

Now I don't know if I should marry him anymore or how to break the news to my parents. Or is it okay not to let my parents know about it at all. I grew up in a very traditional family and my parents, if they knew about it, most probably they'd not allow me to see him anymore. But I'd be very guilty if I hide it from them and go ahead with the wedding.

If we were to get married, during solemnisation he has to declare his first marriage and produce the final judgement document when the solemniser asked if any of us are married, divorce etc..By then, my parents would find it a humiliation and that might be worse, especially when all their business partners, relatives and friends are around.

On top of that, on ROM records, his first marriage would always be there, the mark will follow him the rest of his life. I didn't want our marriage papers or ROM records to have him stated he was once married to another woman. I still hadn't been able to get past the fact that I'm going to be his 2nd wife, 2nd marriage. I can't imagine my marriage is going to be like this as to me, marriage is a once in a life time thing. I'm very upset and frustrated with him now. What should I do?
 


hippo_woody

Member
Whats past is already in the past. Love him for who he is now. I guess he is still young then and doesn't know what is happening back then. The fact that he asked a lawyer to check on his own marriage status reflects that he is unclear of what is going on back then. If u love him, he loves you, he treats u and your family well, I see nothing wrong in marrying someone who has had an annulment or even a divorce b4. If he is eligible for annulment (not divorce), then it's even better. Annulment & divorce are 2 very different matters.

If you were to get married with him, he will need to produce the court document (for divorce is called certificate of making interim judgment final - some ppl called it decree nisi absolute, it might be called differently for annulment) during the verification of document at ROM (which only u & ur fiance need to be present).
However, during the solemnization, he do not need to declare his prev marriage nor produce the certificate of making interim judgment final and the solemnizer will not say things like "XXX, this is your 2nd marriage, blah blah...". Everything will go as per normal, so you won't have to worry about other people knowing.

Not everyone is first time lucky in a relationship or a marriage. What's important is one learn from past mistakes and become a better person.

At least he doesn't have any children with his ex-wife, that will make things much much neater and no "leftover" from prev marriage.
 

xueyu

Member
After reading your post, I felt it was quite funny.

1: You said you don't know if you should marry him. What's stopping you from marrying him? It's not like he cheated on you, or was really "married". He didn't even know that was the document. So you're bothered not being the "first wife"? Or do you not love him enough to not let that fact bother you? It was just a mistake. He's legally married on papers, but outside he's not. If you're bothered about not being the "first wife", then I would suggest you to let him go and find his happiness, cause you do not know how to be a wife yet, neither do you want to be his.

2: My parents are very traditional too. They do not like guys who pierce their ears or wear accessories such as necklaces or bracelets. No tattoos. Anyway, why don't you just tell your parents that he made a mistake of signing a document he thought nothing of, but apparently it was a marriage cert? But he didn't hold any wedding nor did he live with his "wife". I think all parents want their kids to be happy. So which brings us back to point 1.

Do you love him and want to marry him? Or do you want to just get married? Marriage is not just extending the pak tor. It's about responsibilities, love and commitment. Love him enough to go through thick and thin together, to solve problems together. To support each other. But it seems to me that you are more bothered abt the status than wanting to live the rest of your life with him. So the solution is....BREAK UP. He deserves a much better woman.
 

leemei04140414

New Member
I dont think u should despise or maybe feel your parents might feel humiliated. Bcos loving someone is different. Everybody makes mistake and u cant penalised him just bcos he made a mistake when he is young.
He might be abit naive when he was 24 and signed a document without understanding it. Anyway, all problems can be resolved.:)

As for your parents, I think they should respect your decision. Whether its his second marriage or not, what matters is he loves you and he can give you the happiness you want. If you missed this chance just bcos of that reason, you might not be able to find someone whom loves you as much as you love him. .
 

Louvre

New Member
It all started 8 years ago. I had dated several guys before but only fell in love when I met A.

I met A since I was 17 in a restaurant where he's working during the the school holidays. He's kinda the playboy with piercings, always out late with his friends drinking, partying, smoking. He always does well in studies so all his bad habits, it didn't really bother me. We dated for about 3 months and I had to return to the States to complete my studies for another 2 years. We had this strong chemistry and bond that both of us had never had it with any other people. We can talk about everything, anything, we became best friends. We were on a long distance relationship for that period but I'd return to Singapore during the holidays and take up part time jobs. One year later, during one of my holidays, I found out about him dating this other girl. I didn't want to expose him at that point of time, but I started dating other men as well since he seemed okay dating other women. Just before I graduated, he flew over to spend time with me and found out about the other man I was dating. He was furious until I told him I had known about his affair too months back and I didn't flare at him so why is he making it seem like I'm the only one at fault. It was childish and stupid of us but we both decided to give our relationship a second chance. We then agreed on having a cooling off period to settle everything before getting back together again.

Few months later, we finally meet up again and I was shocked like I didn't know this man at all cause he had gotten tattoos all over his body, chest, back, arms. It's like I didn't know this man at all. My parents saw him from a distance and were distraught by what he did to his body. My dad kept criticising on his tattoos saying why on earth would someone with such good grades and bright future do something like that. One day, he told me that the girl he was with had told him she's pregnant with his child. It was then that I realised I didn't want to be in the middle of something that complicated and wrong. I was still young and there's nothing I can do since the girl is pregnant. So I told him to end our relationship and take responsibility for the girl and his child. But he didn't agree on the break up and days later he told me he had asked the girl to go for an abortion. I was in shocked and very guilty back then, as abortion should never be an option. I couldn't help thinking how heartless the man I love was. I told him I couldn't face him anymore, I didn't want to see him at that point of time, I just couldn't do it. So I cut him out of my life, change my number, told my parents about it and focus on my work instead.

One year later, I dated B for over the next 3 years and finally decided to settle down, decided to get an apartment together, paid for the booking fee, and he broke up with me right after, saying he fell in love with another women and that he don't love me anymore. I was so heartbroken and cried every day as if my world has fallen apart. It was then that my mom became very strict with the man I'm dating as she did not want to see me being with the wrong man, taking me for granted and getting myself hurt once again. She had previously allowed me to date whoever I want and had never stopped me once till this time she decided she had enough of the guys I dated who didn't treat me right. 2 months later, B came crying, begging me to forgive him and take him back saying he love me and that the girl was merely using him and had dumped him after he spend most of his savings on her. I felt nothing but pity for this man, who had not just hurt me but himself. In the end, I rejected and told him to move on with his life. I don't want someone who'll ever leave me for somebody else.

Months later, I received an email from A, usually he'd only email me once a year on my birthday which I would ignore and delete. But this time, it was 6 months earlier, so I read it. He wanted to ask me out urgently saying there's something very important he would like to talk to me about. I was curious but I rejected and told him if there's anything he can just email me. No reply till weeks later, he started emailing me again, saying he had just completed his studies, started working and wants to go out with me whenever I'm ready. We began chatting online and I asked him what's the important stuffs he want to talk to me about months ago, which he replied he got it all settled.

He then told me that few years back, I just disappeared in his life without giving him a chance to explain. He'd asked the doctor to check on the DNA of the child and it didn't match his. So the girl was actually carrying someone else's child and the girl chose to abort it since the guy didn't want it. She had then migrate to the States after that. How true this story is I had no idea as there's no proof. Moreover, A is always very good at coming up with stories and excuses knowing him so well. He then told me after our break up, he'd dated his ex fiancee and back then he wanted to see me because he'd just proposed to her. But it didn't felt right as he's still thinking about me, so he wanted to asked if there's any chance of us getting back together. Although I didn't agree on seeing him back then, he'd broken up with her saying it'd be wrong to marry her. I had told him about B as well.

6 months later, I agreed to finally see him on his birthday. We met and confessed we still had feelings for each other, but with all that history, we know things gonna be hard. Having my parents accepting him back again was tough, my mom was so against it and scolded me for not learning my lesson and I should never take anyone who had betrayed me back at all. On the side, trusting A is another big problem for me too, he's a compulsive liar I'd put it. He said he'd try to earn back my trust. But he'd lie over the smallest things in our life just so I'd not be angry for the things he didn't do right like being late on our dates most of the time and giving empty promises. With our history and his lies, I started to questioned myself what if the stories he told of weren't true at all and one day the girl might just turn up with his child and appear at my doorstep? Am I able to accept that? With much struggle, I decided to live with it, and he promised to be a better man. He did got better and tried to make things work. Until this ex-wife problem came up....again, how true his story of him not knowing anything is a question mark for me. He's a first class honours science student, how dumb can someone with such grades like that be?
 

Louvre

New Member
Both our parents had met and discussed on the wedding details. He then came up with this ex-wife thing which he first told his mom, his mom cried not knowing how to explain to her relatives or how to face me and my parents. Apparently, the wedding news had spread. His mom says he had been giving her problems since young and these problems will happen again if he doesn't change his ways. I do want to tell my parents about it with him but he hadn't got the guts to face my parents at all. He's been trying to escape and avoid seeing my parents as long as he can. I love A but he would always have such problems because of his stubbornness and lack of responsibility. Despite everyone telling him not to do something because it's just a bad idea, he'd still do it and when things screw up, he'd then regretted his actions but never learned his lesson. Such situations happened countless times ever since I knew him but those are other stories altogether. Whenever he got into trouble, it's always his mom or me had to clear his mess. This can be a big issue for our marriage if such situations keep happening. I wouldn't have a choice but to clear his mess, time after time whenever he do stupid things but never once prevent such situation from happening ever again.

Why should other people like his mom or me be responsible for the mistakes he made? Like being his second wife, I didn't like the fact I have no other choice but to accept it because I love this man. I'm still angry with him for this. And his answer is always he didn't know it'd turn up this way. He don't know about anything and he had no idea of it. Plus he can't change the way things are so I just got to accept it. He expects me to overlook this matter and that I should change the way I think because he didn't do it on purpose and it's not his fault. Whenever, he gets in trouble, he'd always come up with all sorts of excuses and reasons to defend himself instead of acknowledging his mistake and take responsible for it.


My parents know of our history, if we told them about this issue now, I think they'd just go crazy. Especially my mom, if I'm in her shoes, would I want to see my daughter marrying someone who doesn't seem that trustworthy? Of course my parents wouldn't be able to stop me from marrying him by law. But my mom had warned me before that I choose the man I want to marry, and when things goes wrong, don't come crying to her or ask for divorce as she had not approved of our marriage right in the beginning when I got back with A. She would never take me back in once I marry out. I was upset when she said that to me.

I need A to be more responsible and face the consequences he had to bear. I don't know if I should marry him now because of the way he handle such situation, gets into trouble but didn't want to or had no idea how to fix it like a real man should. I'm not despising him, I'm struggling between marrying a man I love and not letting my parents down or had them worrying for me for the rest of their lives. I want them to approve and acknowledge the man I marry and be rest assured that I'd be well taken care of. It's a dilemma. Now, we're waiting for the case to be processed and pray his ex-wife doesn't fight for alimony as the lawyer said they were legally married for 3 years which can happened and told him to be prepared for it. If this happens, it'd definitely worsen the already complicated situation.
 

xueyu

Member
Actually you already have an answer. So why ask us? People here are commenting to just let it go and forgive. To just accept him. But you had to write such a long essay to explain why you should not. You actually DO have an answer already.

One thing about marriage, DO NOT expect a man to change after marriage. Ask 100 married people and at least 95 - 98 would agree with this. He's going to be the one who's gonna be by your side till either one of you passes away, not your parents. Find someone that you can rely, communicate and love. Stop dragging your parents into this picture. It's what you want, not what your parents want. If you wouldn't want your parents down or worry for you, in the first place you wouldn't have got back with him, so don't give this bullsh*t about you not wanting to let them down if you marry him.

After so much, it just shows that you're finding excuses to justify you wanting to leave him. So just leave already. Why do you need to find so many excuses? You found so many excuses not to be with him, but I have yet to see you type one reason why you want to marry him. So just leave and stop all this bull.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
agree with xueyu, you find tones of reasons yourself yet you decided to be with him. Rant all you want, this is the package you accept. Deal with it.

Congrats, your are his 2nd mother. following him to clear his shit. There is no such thing as no choice but to help him settle, let him face it himself. Simple. The only reason why you help him is because you wanted to. So, take some responsibility yourself. He is an overgrowth baby with 2 mothers that cannot let go.

Seems you cannot deal with the fact that having emotions for someone doesn't mean you have to be with him. It is entirely possible to love more than one. Then how? Have a orgy relationship?

Just ask yourself is the relationship heading the right way, if you know it isn't going to work, why are you even marrying him for? Because you love him? Bullshit, you can love him still without marrying him. Wake up woman.
 
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dalala_girl

New Member
If you are truly concerned about how your mum will take it (if he betrays you again or did something wrong after your guys are married), you should have already left this relationship as it is when you chose to leave him (after he told you a girl is carrying his bb).

Anyway, if you are still concerned about how your mum feels, think about this: how will she feel if you go ahead to marry this guy only to file for a divorce years later?

Are you hanging on to this guy becos you are afraid to be alone? If so, i think it's high time to leave this guy and find someone whom you can trust and loves you at the same time.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
He's a first class honours science student, how dumb can someone with such grades like that be?

Do you not realize how illogical that is? How is responsibility related to his grades? Somehow you think his degree is evidence that he is sensible and responsible enough?!? So, try to apply the same logic to yourself. Does it even make sense at all.
 

Louvre

New Member
I never mention I want to leave him at all. In fact, leaving a relationship or marriage is never a solution. I'm a very forgiving person, I'm might be angry with him but if I want to leave I'd have left long ago. The fact that I'm still with him despite all his misdeeds and waiting for his case to be processed shows that I'd willing to go through all these with him. When I decided to get back with him, I already accepted his past and the person he is. I didn't need him to change, I just need him to face my parents with me, tell them the truth and postpone the wedding which he's not willing to do it now. He and his parents came propose the marriage to my parents weeks ago to discuss the wedding details. Now this thing came up is a shock for all of us and he just leaves it hanging.

We had went through a lot, apart from the things I've mentioned, I love everything about him and the list can goes on and on. So what would you do if you're in my shoes, happily planning for the wedding and out of a sudden had an ex-wife popping up in your lives and your fiance had to pay alimony to her? And how would you explain to your parents that your fiance has to pay alimony to his ex-wife and the wedding has to be postpone, so that they wouldn't be against to the marriage? Or it's okay for you guys that your parents don't give you their blessings or showing up on your wedding day?

I'm not afraid of being alone and I don't mind being in a relationship with him and not marrying him at all because I'd still love him and I don't need a paper to prove that. But we want to live together and he wants to have children in future. I had talk about this with my mom before but she won't hear any of it saying it's too inappropriate and disgrace to the family to be living with a man, having his children but not married to him.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Ok, so, it is all good. Congrats on your marriage to a wonderful husband with first class honors. After the 2 super long post on how lousy and useless he is, now you think you love EVERYTHING about him. So, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? How would you explain to your parents? Well, the truth might be revealed, so deal with it.

You accepted the marriage, live with it. Life is not perfect, there will be many problems. Just remind yourself, you love everything about him, each time he comes crying to you for help to face his consequences, don't be stress, you love it right?
 

xueyu

Member
I agree with miloice. So the point of you ranting here is? You already know the solution, and there don't seem to be any problem at all. So.....please tell me why all the complain about him being dumb and throw face and such?

Remember, do not regret your decision. Cause 1: if you have thought long and hard, this should be the correct decision. 2: if you didn't think at all, then regret also no use. Make a wise choice and stop ranting on something that's not a problem at all.
 

Louvre

New Member
My question is my title.: Should I marry someone who had annulment before?

1. Get married. (Have the possibility that maybe some day a child of his might pop out from nowhere or get dragged into one of his troubles. Most of his troubles would concern family ties, law and money.)

2. Don't get married but stay in the relationship without the papers and have a family with him. (Might fell out with parents here but would not be entirely affected if he gets into trouble because we're not legally married.)
miloice: I said "apart from the things I've mentioned, I love everything about him." meant I love everything about him other than the trouble he always got into.

xueyu: The long post is so you guys would better understand the whole situation so I can get better advice. Being married for years and not knowing about it is dumb for a fact. Throw face is what I know my parents are gonna react and create a whole lot drama on this issue if they knew about it.
 

leemei04140414

New Member
Hi louvre.
The answer is yes. You should marry the guy who loves you as much as you love him whether he had an annulment or not bcos in my opinion,that is not important.

BUT since you have already decided " bcos in your posting, you say that u understand how your mother feels as she might not want you to marry someone who doesnt seem that trustworthy. " If you could input that in this posting, it means thats what you feel about him and your answer is clear to you. your future husband shouldn't be labelled in such a way as described bcos he should be man of the house and he should be relate as not trustworthy.

Lastly, its marriage and not a game which you can just cancel any time. I dont think u should get married to him, but if you really do and find out that both of you arent suitable n if you need an annulment, then maybe you can understand him better on why ANNULMENT is not the issue because everybody deserve a another chance in life.
 

hippo_woody

Member
Wow! Thats a long post.

First thing first, he may be a first class honours science graduate, but that doesn't prove anything in this case. It doesn't mean that he's too smart to be cheated (or convince) to sign on documents he wasn't aware of. Dun give too much credit to that "paper" qualification. It doesn't mean that he's very street-smart and always make the right decision, maybe only prove that he can study, thats all.

Second, seems like he is headed towards divorce route and NOT annulment. And that u are very concerned about the alimony he may need to give to his ex-wife. 1) the marriage is short, 2) there are no children in the marriage, 3) there doesn't seem to have any matrimonial property involved here, 4) both are staying apart (like separated) in the course of marriage. Unlikely court will order a high amount of alimony to her. If she can financially support herself, likely its the typical $1 nominal token of alimony a month with liberty to apply. The alimony amt should be the least concern here from what I can interpret in ur post.

Third, u are very concerned over what your parents might think or react about this whole episode. No choice, bite the bullet and deal with it if u wanna be with this man since u said u love him. It seems that he is shocked over this whole "ex-wife" episode and might not have intentionally leave it hanging for u to clear his shit since u mentioned that "it came as a shock to all of us". If u love him and wanna stick through thick & thin with this man, put away ur judgmental views about him & his past and stay by his side for the divorce proceedings. Ur marriage with him has to put on hold. Deal with the urgent matters first. I'm sure he's vexed now having to handle this "ex-wife" who pop out from nowhere and gotten himself into a legal suit. Take a step at a time. Ur parents' opposition about ur rs with him, take ur time to convince them after he get his divorce settled. Dun put too much in ur plate now, u can't handle everything & pleased everyone at the same time. Now might not be the best time for him to face your family. Divorce is a very stressful and taxing experience.

Lastly, I really feel you should take this opportunity to reconsider marrying him. You doesn't seem to be prepared to accept his past wrongdoing and there seems to have a trust (lack of) issue in the rs. Like what miloice mentioned "life is not perfect". Not everyone's first love end up to be their spouse and eventually live happily ever after. If its of any comfort to you, I been through worst than what you experienced. But that didn't stop me & my fiance from heading towards our happiness. We faced opposition of course, but slowly, we win them over as time goes by. Take a step back and think over it. Never rush into a marriage. I know the divorce proceedings at the back of my head, its no joke to go through it. Its easy and cheap to get married ($26 for the marriage fees at ROM wo banquet/fanciful solemnization/pretty gowns/etc), but it cost a hell lot of $$$ to get a divorce.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
My question is my title.: Should I marry someone who had annulment before?

1. Get married. (Have the possibility that maybe some day a child of his might pop out from nowhere or get dragged into one of his troubles. Most of his troubles would concern family ties, law and money.)

2. Don't get married but stay in the relationship without the papers and have a family with him. (Might fell out with parents here but would not be entirely affected if he gets into trouble because we're not legally married.)
miloice: I said "apart from the things I've mentioned, I love everything about him." meant I love everything about him other than the trouble he always got into.

xueyu: The long post is so you guys would better understand the whole situation so I can get better advice. Being married for years and not knowing about it is dumb for a fact. Throw face is what I know my parents are gonna react and create a whole lot drama on this issue if they knew about it.

There are more than just 2 options. Why must you die die start a family with him now? Cannot allow time to settle his annulment? This is the most logical and common sense thing to consider. With what you posted initially, no one is ever thinking you will consider just the above 2 options.

You have clearly in 2 msg, posted a very long list of issues on why you are not even sure about marriage and that he is a serial liar that you don't really trust. Something is very strange about your thought process, just as you hope that he would be more responsible for his actions, you probably need to as well. You are pretty much as guilty in some sense as him in finding all kinds of reasons. As pointed earlier, the kind of logic that because he can do well in studies having anything to do with his sense of responsibility. No point to worry about the impact and hurt to your parents when you are going to go ahead anyway with your family plan regardless of marital status. Somehow, you think that as long as legally you guys aren't married, there is no problem, what about the children that you intended to have without the marriage?!? There is no such thing as no choice and having to do #1 or #2. Think beyond limitations that you are setting for yourself, in terms of time frames and possibilities.
 
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Louvre

New Member
Thank you hippo_woody. Appreciate the thoughtfulness in your reply and advice after reading my long post. Yes, you have very well understand where I'm coming from and pretty much gave me the answers I'm looking for.

The only problem now is I don't know what to tell my parents cause they've been bugging me about the wedding details like every other day and it seems like they're getting really riled up about my silence and my fiance disappearance. But I have nothing to tell them for now since I'm letting him to settle his lawsuit first before we talk to my parents about it, which would take months or years I presumed.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Louvre,

maybe you can list down all your real limitations for yourself before coming to a tunnel vision on your options.
You are asking strangers how to communicate with your parents, if you don't understand your folks and how to approach them with the topic, how do you think anyone else is able to provide you answers?

The questions that went unanswered, why do you need to marry and have kids now?
You clearly know his annulment or divorce will take sometime, so, what you need is an answer that gives you that time.
Do you not know why your parents are asking non stop? They are so worried for you. Not wanting you to be taken for granted, used and without status. Very normal concerns. So, your answer should be addressing their concerns.

My suggestion is to tell your folks the marriage is postpone. Financially and emotionally, you guys are not ready yet. If you are continuing to stay with him, your folks will not stop hurrying you to marry, so, move out. Married couples can sustain their relationship even when working in different countries for some period, why can't your relationship stay strong living apart.
I'm not going to discourage your decision to marry him, despite all you said, you are determined to marry him. Rather, work out a FEASIBLE plan for your marriage. This will effective assure your folks of their concerns while giving your bf time to settle his mess. Again, it is a very logical and simple choice, why do you need to start a family now?? Or are you already pregnant?
 
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Louvre

New Member
Miloice,

1. I didn't mention that I must get married and have kids now.
2. We're not staying together now but would like to in future and the only condition that my parents would allow is only if he marries me.
3. I'm not pregnant. (Really strict and traditional family)

My 2 options as above is, after his case has resolved, should I get married or not to start a family with him? Like I said, I don't need to be married to start a family with a man. In fact, getting married is what my parents wanted if I want to move in with my fiance and have his baby in future.

So despite all of the above, my parents are pushing us to get married asap because:
1. Both parents have met and discussed on the wedding details already and a date has been set.
2. Weddings news have spread and we were in the midst of looking for a wedding venue when he found out of his marital status.
3. Both sides of our parents have seen us together for too long and want us to move on to the next step in our relationship.

My parents are very prejudice against my fiance because of his past but tried accepting him because they know I love him, but now his disappearance has made them feel that he's not sincere in wanting to marry me at all. (Exact words quoted from them) My mom had tried breaking us up, dissuading me not to marry him, saying I'd be in misery if I do.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi Louvre, I wouldn't call your folks prejudice. Even strangers online reading what you shared, there are valid concerns.
Good that there is no strict time line for marriage and starting a family, then, there is already a lot of creativity you can play with to buy time right?

The points you listed for sure set the expectations for the family. Again, it can still be worked out. You bf is concerned with sharing his true reasons with our folks but coming out with a white lie together isn't too difficult. E.g. upon visiting feng shui master, advise you guys to marry only after he is of certain age or not before 2016. You guys can come up a marriage plan that will take 2 years to implement.

Although you didn't specifically mention you must start a family immediately, the only 2 options you consider clearly suggesting that. Refering to your post at Yesterday at 10:34 AM This is why your entire thought process is very puzzling to me. Why you only consider to proceed to marry him now or start a family without a marriage. Kind of weird no?
 

JasmineKee

New Member
I feel that if you have so many questions and thoughts regarding this marriage, then don't get married.

I think TS needs some time to think about this whole wedding/marriage.

I also suggest to tell the whole truth to your parents and deal with any problems right away. What is the point of delaying especially you said your parents aren't very pleased with him?
 

hippo_woody

Member
hi Louvre, I wouldn't call your folks prejudice. Even strangers online reading what you shared, there are valid concerns.
Good that there is no strict time line for marriage and starting a family, then, there is already a lot of creativity you can play with to buy time right?

The points you listed for sure set the expectations for the family. Again, it can still be worked out. You bf is concerned with sharing his true reasons with our folks but coming out with a white lie together isn't too difficult. E.g. upon visiting feng shui master, advise you guys to marry only after he is of certain age or not before 2016. You guys can come up a marriage plan that will take 2 years to implement.

Although you didn't specifically mention you must start a family immediately, the only 2 options you consider clearly suggesting that. Refering to your post at Yesterday at 10:34 AM This is why your entire thought process is very puzzling to me. Why you only consider to proceed to marry him now or start a family without a marriage. Kind of weird no?

Louvre, what Miloice suggested work best imo. I would have tell a white lie to buy me (our rs) some time. Since u say ur mum keep telling u to reconsider marrying him, she has in fact given u the perfect excuse to buy some time out from this sticky situation (ie. if the fengshui master reason didn't work - parents not pantang). Tell ur folks that u have given their concerns some serious thoughts & have decided to take a step back to consider the marriage. This should buy u some time to get them off ur back. Just be discrete when u r with him. Wait till he settled his divorce proceedings then talk abt future plans (whether to really get married, have kids, blah blah blah). If u really still wants this man, then work together to convince ur folks to accept him (it takes lots of time & effort) after his divorce is settled. I do hope that his is a straight-forward uncontested divorce, should be able to get the divorce done with 6mths (with decree nisi absolute). Otherwise, it can go up to 2-3years for contested divorce (but unlikely since no kids & the ancillary matters should be quite straight-forward to deal with).


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miloice

Well-Known Member
Errr.... given the already bad impression, does sharing all the dirty linen of the relationship with the parents help? SERIOUSLY?

What is the goal here, to bear it all and make the parents hate him even more and make the decision to marry him even more difficult?!?

I will worry if my partner will share every little issue in the relationship with her parents. The total lack of common sense and filter reflects immaturity to manage things themselves ! Definitely will think twice about the person !

I feel that if you have so many questions and thoughts regarding this marriage, then don't get married.

I think TS needs some time to think about this whole wedding/marriage.

I also suggest to tell the whole truth to your parents and deal with any problems right away. What is the point of delaying especially you said your parents aren't very pleased with him?
 

JasmineKee

New Member
Errr.... given the already bad impression, does sharing all the dirty linen of the relationship with the parents help? SERIOUSLY?

What is the goal here, to bear it all and make the parents hate him even more and make the decision to marry him even more difficult?!?

I will worry if my partner will share every little issue in the relationship with her parents. The total lack of common sense and filter reflects immaturity to manage things themselves ! Definitely will think twice about the person !

Well, I will hate it too if my partner share every little detail of me with his parents.

Let me rephrase. I will tell the truth - postpone wedding (if that is what you want after thinking it through) but of course not the real reason behind it. I am all for telling a white lie. :)
 

newproject

Active Member
that's BS. is not like he knew he was married and kept it from her on purpose
Well, I will hate it too if my partner share every little detail of me with his parents.

Let me rephrase. I will tell the truth - postpone wedding (if that is what you want after thinking it through) but of course not the real reason behind it. I am all for telling a white lie. :)
 

maritalbliss

New Member
that's BS. is not like he knew he was married and kept it from her on purpose

And do you know him personally, and well enough to conclude that he did not "kept it from her on purpose".

I don't.

Ultimately, it is up to her to believe him wholeheartedly, or not. Can't be, and shouldn't be a case of "I believe you 50%".

It's all, or nothing.
 

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